Sunday, December 31, 2017

Year in Review

"Wait, you haven't had sex at all this year?" IL asked her over lunch one day.  She was genuinely shocked.  "With all the boys you had this year?"

She thought about it and realized she did have a dick-filled year for not getting any.  She'd spent the early morning hours of 2017 having tons of sex with KSL.  Things had gotten more serious with Nameless before dropping off.  She'd filed for divorce and in attempting a no-strings attached make out session with JJ and ended up in a sexless relationship with Mel.  There was even that hot moment where she almost agreed to a threesome with JJ and Mel, but ultimately decided she was "too tired."

It's funny that throwing out a tiny stipulation about getting an STD test before having sex will make your actual sex life come to a screeching halt.

But she had started her new job too, which still felt new despite being there a whole year.  Having a whole week off of it had been rejuvenating, but she was ready to get back to the grind of her life.

As she waited for the countdown, she had a mini panic attack.  She was officially getting into "too old" status.  Too old to procreate, even though she wasn't sure she even wanted to.  Too old to seriously get into a relationship.  She was very soon going to be of an age where nothing was appropriate anymore.

She tried to stifle the thoughts, as they just came with spending a New Years Eve alone.  There was something about starting a year alone that was profoundly depressing.  A friend had texted her that the crappier the NYE party, the better the year was.  She guessed this was the year to put that theory to the test.

Happy New Year

Saturday, December 30, 2017

A Blue Christmas

"What are you doing for Christmas?"  The Ex texted.

"Hopefully sleeping the whole day." She replied.  23 days of working in a row, and she was done with all people and things.

He wanted to hang, make empanadas and watch movies.

She'd gone too far, being in a show with him.  He'd gotten too close with her.  She'd given him hope instead of getting her best friend back.  Feeling more alone than before, she encouraged him to spend time with his ailing father instead.  They only had so many Christmases left together.

Christmas Eve she was getting all kinds of things done...balancing checkbooks, working on her and Dusky's project...and her phone let out the generic text tone.

It was Theo.  "Hope you are having a good holiday."

He was baiting her.  She should be strong and ignore it, the way that she ignored his Facebook message and his Instagram message.  She'd blocked him from seeing her FB feed, and un-followed him on both platforms.  Still, he persevered.

It was Christmas, she was really enjoying her alone time.  But he had gotten to her, made her annoyed.  "I'm still Jewish Theo."

"Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the holiday, lol"

He was so desperately ignorant.  She wanted to ask him how he enjoyed his Chinese New Year, because even though he didn't celebrate doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his Chinese New Year.  She knew it was time to stop responding.

"How's it going?" He texted 20 minutes later.  She continued to ignore him, and hoped he would release her in the new year.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017


"I was in a bad relationship, and I thought I found someone who put up with my ranting and craziness and laughed at my jokes.  So I kissed that person.  And I got scared."

It had been almost two years.  It was like the storm had finally passed through the town of her soul, and a quiet had finally come over, like after a great snowfall.

She wanted to say to him that he did find that person.  She was glad that he had been there to listen to her and help her through one of the hardest moments of her life.  She did find his rantings and craziness amusing, and wholeheartedly laughed at his jokes.  She still did.

But she hesitated.  She didn't want to tell him all that.  He would take it as a come on, as a want on her part to be with him, and that wasn't what she wanted to say.  That wasn't important or relevant at this moment in time.

So she stayed silent, and he fell silent as well.  She had her answer.  He got scared.  So many things fell into place from the past, and she finally felt like she could move on.  Move forward, not be stuck wondering why.  She finally had understanding, and closure.

It wasn't until a few weeks later she suddenly realized how it all must have felt from his side.  He followed his emotions and felt something for her, and kissed her.  Then she freaked out the next day.  was in her head, figuring out how to end her relationship.  So he tried to backtrack, to make her feel better.  Told her the kiss didn't mean anything, which ended up upsetting her further.

It was even more doomed from the start than she realized.  She still didn't regret a minute of what happened, and still cared for him deeply.  But she knew she cared for him far more than he cared for himself, and that wasn't likely to change anytime soon.

They did end up getting a little physical that night, but ultimately she stuck to her rule and they didn't have sex.

Monday, December 25, 2017

Playing Catch Up

It had been one hell of a December.  Before she even realized what was happening, it was the middle of the month and she had been working 15 days straight, and would continue to the end of the month.

Now that she was at the end, everything was a blur.  The end of the last month had been tumultuous between her and KSL, but by the end of December it seemed to have leveled out again.  She sincerely hoped to stay there for awhile.  More and more she felt like she was just running out of friends, even though she still felt like she couldn't really trust him as much as she wanted to.

Being at Goldie's play was difficult because she was literally running over from work, running herself ragged, only to find that the BFF had made sure that other people were doing her job.  BFF made sure she wasn't available to contribute to the director gift from the cast.  One night she didn't even show up, only texting Goldie to give her a head's up.  No one missed her.

It was funny.  BFF was the one who introduced her to the Five Love Languages, and she went out of her way to take away her main love language; Acts of Service.  She felt absolutely helpless.  She recalled a conversation she and KSL had during one of their drives, where she told him she never felt like he needed her for anything.  Nothing to contribute=nothing to love.

She might as well become an actor with how low her self worth was.  Really she was just very, very tired.  She was fast becoming too tired to care.

On a date with Mel, she was trying to get him to open up with her, to confide in her.  They had been dating 6 months, and it had stayed really casual, with bursts of emotional intimacy.  He was a really sweet guy, but she was fast feeling like a burden to him.  She was not used to someone taking her out, paying for drinks and dinner, having dinner dates...but no sex, and no confiding from him.  She, again, felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, wasn't needed by him.

A friend of his died, and she offered to go to the funeral.  He said she didn't need to, and she addressed why he wasn't letting her in.  "I'm a deserve better than that.  It's a testament to how much I like you that I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you."

It hurt.  It cut through all the numb she was feeling.  On one hand, it was nice that he thought so highly of her that he didn't want to subject her to his shit show.  On the other, it was a rejection.  It hurt.  And the only difference between him and her Ex was that Mel understood what he was doing and wasn't going to take advantage of her kindness.

It still hurt.  How did she keep getting into these faux-lationships?  If he never wanted a serious relationship with her ever...then what were they even doing?  MG said she was doing "relationship" not with a lower case or capital R, but with a cursive R.  At least without the sex part it was easy for her to not get her heart completely broken.  Again.

Wednesday, November 29, 2017


Right before Thanksgiving, she started to not feel well.  She resisted, because she hadn't been sick since getting her tonsils out, and she had fancied herself immune to all diseases since completing the HPV vaccine.

A few days later she started to feel worse, and realized she couldn't continue to blame it on allergies.  She was sick.


It was a terrible time for her.  She had time in early December to go to Urgent Care, but not before.

The Ex came over for Thanksgiving, and she was cranky and sick the whole day.  He had come over so early, wanting to watch the parade with her.  Half an hour before the parade started he knocked on her door.  They watched the parade with her in her bed and him on the couch.  When it was over they watched White Christmas, their tradition.  She put on a movie for him and she took a shower, but it didn't really make her feel any better.

They watched a few other movies, she tried to help make dinner but couldn't manage a lot.  He burned and ruined her cookie sheet and two of her pots.  She didn't have time to get new ones, they would have to wait.

The ex left around 10 at night.  She was exhausted and went straight to bed.

Monday, November 20, 2017

Going Back to the Well

"What ever happened to that guy you were seeing super casually, the scientist?"  A couple of people asked.  It was enough to make her really think about it...what did happen to him?

They'd left off with him needing about a month to get all his tests taken.  Then her next month got super busy and he had never texted her back.

She should have just let it die.  Obviously, he hadn't reached out to her, so that was the end, right?

Wasn't it?

She thought about it for a week.  She could text him.  The door wasn't closed.

She didn't tell anyone because they would tell her to leave it alone.  Not to text him.

She thought to herself, three different people brought it up...that means something.  She felt compelled.

" was your summer?"

"Wow, are you drunk?" Came the response.

"Nope, only you try and get me drunk."

They fell into their old song and dance routine.  Their tete-a-tete was unparalleled, and she realized how much she missed it.  Missed him.

She went out on a limb and told him so.  They bantered back and forth and he told her he hadn't messaged her back because she had come on too strong.  She thought back and couldn't think of when that had happened.  She apologized to him and said that wasn't her intention, and she was okay with just being friends with him.

So they made a non-date for a few days in the future to see the new Superhero movie.  He warned that he might have to cancel, and she told him that she didn't expect anything less of him.

He didn't end up canceling, and they ended up having a good night.  They did end up flirting a little, and he did end up in her apartment.  He never touched her, and she never invited it.  He told her that she had come on too strong when she had complained about her day, then apologized saying that they weren't at the complaining stage yet.

She rolled her eyes.  It was never going to be anything serious, and she was glad for it.

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

Float Like a Butterfly...

When she was younger she used to babysit this snobby little girl.  The girl loved to pretend like she knew everything even though she was essential just a little girl.

One day they found a wasp stuck in her bathroom.  "Don't!" She yelled at the girl as she swatted at insect without any thought to her own safety.  She got stung and panicked.

Quickly her adrenaline kicked in.  She checked for a stinger, there wasn't one in her skin.  She put some ice on it and then called her mother.  "She got bit by a bee!" She screamed into the phone.

Her mother came and told her there wasn't any more to be done.  She had done a good job, taken care of the problem.

The child's mother came home soon afterward, and when she was recounting the story, she began to cry.  Sob.  Completely break down in the retelling of the traumatic event.

She felt the same the day after her latest play.  It wasn't the usual ennui or la petite morte she usually had.  It was a traumatic event she had gotten out of by the skin of her teeth.

The director had been mean, to other people and to her.  She had stood up to him, more than she ever needed to stand up to anyone.  It had been one of the most stressful and emotionally draining months of her life.  She felt like she needed to cry.  Sob.  Completely break down.

She was still traumatized by it all.  She couldn't do it.  She still felt like she was still in the situation, like the monster was hiding just around the corner.  Three small bruises on her arm showed his final strike, when he grabbed her and told her she was a "straight shooter" while gifting her with a cannon from the set.  She wasn't even sure it was his to give.

She couldn't relax.  Her entire body was sore, she didn't feel well.  Her body started reacting physically as the day wore on.  She needed to get food but couldn't get away from the bathroom.  Mel brought her food in-between his two jobs.  She told him he was fantastic.

Monday, October 30, 2017

The Take Over, The Breaks Over

She and Mel had an emotional night.  She wasn't sure how they had come upon it, but he had decided before they went any further she deserved to know some dark secrets about him.  They turned out to not be dark so much as unfortunate circumstances he'd been faced with in his past.  He was clearly torn up over them though, but she said that she understood and didn't think any less of him because of it.

They were a little drunk, and she told him that she did like him, and that if he wanted to be exclusive, she would be for him.  He told her that her being with other people took the pressure off him, even though he wasn't seeing anyone else.  "If you ever feel differently let me know, okay?" She asked him.  Mel nodded.

The next day she got a text from Theo.  He was going to ask the other girl to be his girlfriend.  She immediately texted back that she was happy for him, which she was.  Wholeheartedly.  Mel had been there for her when Theo just let her fall to the wayside.  This was the way things should be. 

She told him she felt him pulling away and it was okay, she was glad that he was happy. 

"I wasn't trying to pull away seemed like you got busy honestly but you're too special to me I still want to talk to you and hang out."

Then he said he wasn't going to ask her to be his girlfriend right away, and she knew that he was playing games with her.  He wanted her to say don't do it.  He was being manipulative.  She was even more glad to be rid of him, but still stayed diplomatic.  He did not.  He fucked with her time and kept rescheduling their last date until she told him to forget the whole thing.  Good riddance and good luck to the new girlfriend.  She was sure going to need. it.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

The Love Bomb

About a month had passed since she started her polyamor-ish lifestyle.  Seeing two guys had been oddly freeing.  Without the ability to have a Relationship because she was seeing multiple people, her relationships were much more enjoyable.  She didn't worry about fixing either one of them, didn't focus on their flaws.  Never worried about where it was all going.

When Theo texted her that he started seeing someone else, she almost felt relieved. Not being someone's everything really took the pressure off of the relationship.  Because she wanted to be open and honest about everything, she asked him about her.  He refused.  When pressed he said they'd met on Tinder, and  she lived in his apartment complex so it was "convenient" and they were just getting to know each other.  He enjoyed spending time with her.  She got a little worried that he was doing it to try and make her jealous, but she felt the opposite.

She knew that Mel wasn't seeing anyone else.  She was a little worried about that because he seemed to go pretty hard emotionally in his relationships.  However, when they were together he seemed to be playing it pretty cool.

JJ kept telling her that Mel was serious, that all he talked about was her.  She didn't feel that coming from him when they were together.

Her month got busy.  She got stressed with work and taking on too much of the show she was ADing for.  Mel stepped up to the plate, waiting for her after rehearsal to have a drink and decompress for the day.  She didn't have a lot of spare time, but she looked forward to spending time with him.

Because she couldn't hang out in person, Theo started to pull away.  The daily "good morning" and "good night" texts slowed to a stop.  She barely noticed with her schedule, but did make a note that if that was something he did when she was stressed, that was another check mark in the negative column for him.

She couldn't wait to see light at the end of the tunnel of this month.

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

The Year of Our Lord

Theo had agreed to meet her at her favorite bar.  It was within walking distance, but when the time came she was tired and walked to the parking garage to get her car out.

She found it completely blocked in by new cars on either side of her.  She sighed, sucked it up, and walked through the park, texting an apology for how late she was going to be.

Of course, she ended up being there about the same time as a friend of his dropped him off.  She winced when she realized, again,  that she was there without a car by choice, whereas he still had everyone drive him around.

They had bonded over dead dad stuff before, and they obviously had sexual chemistry.  But he had some serious dealbreakers.  He'd never learned how to drive and he was 30 years old.  He didn't seem to have any kind of idea for his future--he said he was content to just be.

She talked about all these things with him, and he didn't seem to be worried about them not having a future together.  He seemed cocksure that he was going to change her mind, win her over.

She told him that if he meant it he could get a license and a car.  He complained that it was too expensive, and she pointed out that he made more money than she did, took her out to expensive drinks, so he had plenty of money.  All he needed to do was save up a little.

She knew that he wouldn't, and she also knew it wouldn't go that far anyway.  She was okay with a casual fact it seemed like the perfect thing for right now.

Monday, October 2, 2017

Back From the Burn

"Sushi date tonight?" came the text from Mel.  He was back earlier than she anticipated, and she was embarrassed to admit she'd missed him.  She wasn't sure if it was going to be weird after so much time together.  Maybe he'd met someone at Burning Man.  Had sex with them.  Was no longer interested in her.

It was possible.

He was waiting to pick her up in the back alley again, leaned up against his second vehicle.  It bumped around like the back wheel was about to fall off at any moment.  She laughed as they went around the corner to hop on the freeway.

They were waiting at a stoplight and the car in front of them suddenly put their car in reverse and back into them.  He got out of the car and yelled a little too loudly and the lady who was clearly not from the country.  She had a strong accent and didn't seem to understand what the problem was.  It was a weird interaction but eventually they were back on their way and he seemed to cheer up.

He was full of Burning Man stories, from this year and year's past.  He seemed tired but happy. Everything felt like it was on the right track again with them, and she smiled at him over wasabi and other amazing and spicy fish.

They were too tired to see a movie, again.  It didn't matter, they were both okay with how much time they'd spent together.  He was still decompressing and tired, and she forgave him.  The kiss was still just as passionate as the first time, and she looked forward to the future.

Monday, September 25, 2017

The Trouble With Mimosas

He looked like a scruffy Theo Huxtable, and they had been writing novellas to each other on the dating site.  Their compatibility was only 35%, but the way they could write back and forth was promising.  She figured that the guy tried hard enough, she might as well meet up with him and give him a chance.

For the first date, he decided on a breakfast buffet with bottomless mimosas.  In fact, he was so eager that he already had their second and third date planned before the first one came up.

She felt his eyes on her body as soon as she walked up, and it made her self-conscious.  Even when she was stick-thin she didn't think her body was anything to write home about.  She felt herself being reminded of Piz and how desired he had made her feel.  So far, this wasn't quite the same.

As the breakfast wore on they kept talking, he kept flirting.  He mentioned that he was wearing some satin PJs one night, and she challenged him to wear them on their first date.  He said he'd only wear them if she came in a tank top and leggings, which is what she was wearing in the sexy dream he had about her.

They loaded up on mimosas, and only had one plate of food each.  Their conversation never experienced pause, and eventually they ended up holding hands over the table.   As an ENFP he put her completely at ease.  His need for words of affirmation were a little overwhelming for her, but she found herself feeling so comfortable with him.

They ended up sharing their first kiss at the table.  His lips were full and sweet, and he was, as promised, a good kisser.

A haze filled swirl of booze and sexual chemistry later, and they ended up in her bed.  They ended up going much further than she ever intended, she wasn't sure what had come over her.  He was just so sweet, comfortable, and just the right amount of teasing.  She couldn't get over how fast it all had gone.

12 hours after the date had started, they had shared a late dinner and she drove him home.  He had already planned out their next two dates.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Goodbye Breakfast Dates

Mel didn't want to leave for 10 days not seeing her, so he asked to take her to breakfast the morning before he left.

He'd worked a graveyard shift and was blurry eyed when he texted that he was at the base of her building.  His sunglasses covered half his face, and he was leaning casually against the side of his car.

He apologized for the traffic that had made him late, and she leaned into him and reached up for a kiss.  It was sweet and playful, and any anger he might have had towards the traffic melted away.

The conversation was fun and easy as always.  She was always worried they were a few sentences away from not having anything to say to each other anymore, but something interesting always came up.  She would always laugh and tell him when he did something stupid, but how cute he was.

She realized he had never taken any of her quizzes and how crazy that seemed.  She made a mental note to have him take it when he got back.

He pulled up across the street from her work and parked the car.  He sweetly reached for her and kissed her gently, then more intensely.  It floored her how sexually charged they were when she hadn't given him a second thought a couple of months ago.  She told him to have an amazing time.

She sent him a message that she was already missing him.  He sent back "Awwwww, I'm gonna miss you too."

Friday, September 1, 2017

Driving Mr. Drunky

Her head had just hit the pillow, the taste of a good kiss still on her lips, when the intercom for the building rang her phone.

It was 21.  He was drunk, alone, and had lost his phone and his ID.  She buzzed him up and he was in her bathroom peeing for what felt like forever.  He was belligerent, repetitive, and annoying.  Without both a phone and an ID, she had no other real choice but to drive him home.  She couldn't even put him in an Uber because he couldn't tell her exactly where he lived.

"Far." He said.

They stopped by the bar where he thought he lost his ID and they told him they didn't have it.   She drove all the way out to the other side of town where eventually they got to his house.  He kept saying all the same things; how drunk he was, how he was missing out on a beautiful boy that he tried to follow into a bar but they wouldn't let him through the door because he didn't have his ID, how his friends had ditched him.

She figured she had nothing to lose and told him he ruined a perfectly awesome night.  "What were you doing?"

"Well I was out all night with JJ, and he was a perfect gentleman and we made out at the front of the building.  I really wanted that to be the last thing I thought about tonight.

"He wouldn't make out with you?  I'll make out with you." 21 responded.  "21 I'll never want to make out with you."

He was a mess.  Coming home the freeway was closed due to construction, so she took the sides streets home and ended up getting back home close to 6 AM.

She wasted the entire next day sleeping before her dinner plans at 5:30 PM.

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Loveish Triangles

It was 9PM when she got dropped off from drinks with a friend.  Still tipsy she entered her apartment as her phone went off.

"What are you up to?"  text from JJ.  "Nothing just got home from a couple of drinks."

"Want to go to a house party?  I'm just getting out of the show and they are all going."  He asked.

"Ummmm, well I'm still a little drunk so you'd have to come pick me up." She said, figuring that would be the end of it, and she sat down on her couch.

"I'll be there in five."


She brushed her teeth and came downstairs.  As she walked out the front door and looked for him, she spotted him outside of his car on his phone.  He looked up and smiled his adorable schoolboy grin and opened the door for her.  She made a comment that she knew how to get into a car and he stopped her saying that it was the gentlemanly thing to do.

He promised a friend fries so they went to a drive through that took a long time to get through.  While they were waiting he brought up how he didn't like the fact that he was talked about as being a fuckboy on her podcast, anonymously of course.

"Explain it to me.  How are you not a player, a Casanova?" She smirked at him.

"I enjoy the company of people, in general.  I think they are interesting, and I like getting to know them.  Women just aren't used to being treated right."

"You can say that again.  There's a whole stand-up about it.  I'm not used to it at all.  There's a thin line between being yourself, your own person, not needing anyone else...and letting someone do things for you."

"Just accept it.  You deserve to be treated well...just let it happen."

Still, in her mind, she resisted.  She could hold doors for herself.  Getting her own drink was fine.  And yet, her main love language was and is Acts of Service...why wouldn't she let herself accept the love she should feel she deserved?

When they arrived at the party she got up to get a drink and JJ stopped her and asked what she wanted.  She said that she just wanted some water but she could get it herself.  He said he was getting it, and they both said at the exact same time: "We just talked about this."

She sighed and sat down, allowing him to grab her cup of water with tons of ice.  It was going to be a hard road to just let him be a gentleman.

She managed to let it ride the whole night.  He got her water, flitted around talking to everyone but always came back to her.  She was on her phone and he asked who she was talking to, and she said Banana was out downtown with some of her drunk high school friends.

"We could go there."

So they said goodbye to all the remaining people and got back into his truck.  Making their way back downtown, they talked more about him not wanting to ever be tied down to one person, actually be in a relationship.  He said he'd never want to be in one, and sex just wasn't all that important to him.  She smiled as Mel had told her a slightly different version of the story, but she firmly put it into the "not her business" category in her mind.

They got to the bar and realized Banana's friends were beyond wasted.  She was trying to get them all to go to the next bar, but it was like herding cats.  She and JJ followed them around for awhile, holding hands and he made fun of her hand holding.  "You don't interlace the fingers, you hold hands like mittens?  My thumb goes on top!" She laughed and they walked until they had round up all of Banana's friends and moved to the next spot.

They spent some time with Banana at the bar, until one of her friends made an insensitive joke.  JJ took a minute and stepped outside because he was angry at the joke.  She brushed it off because not only was the joke not funny, but he was too drunk to know what he was talking about.  JJ came back in and ordered a water, drained it quickly, and then put his hand on her knee.  He played with the fabric on her dress until he had moved it aside and caressed her bare knee.  Suddenly, he squeezed it playfully to get her attention.

"Ready to go?"

It was around 3:45 in the morning, so she figured it was time.  They had raged hard enough, even though she felt perfectly sober.

He held open the door of his truck for her, and they breezed along the half mile to her apartment.  He hopped out of the car, opened her door for her, and grabbed her hand again as he walked her to the front door of the building.

He reached out and kissed her, and they made out for a little while.  She was glad to have the redemption of another round of kissing where she wasn't sloppy drunk, but she found his kisses to be...not as bold as she would've liked.  Still, it was pleasant to have a guy who wanted to kiss her, even if it wasn't ever going to go anywhere.

She was smiling as she went upstairs, got on her PJs, and put her head hit the pillow.

Then her phone rang.  It was the intercom system for the building.

It was 5AM.

She hesitated, then answered.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Chill 3rd Date

The maybe romance had been whirlwind.  Already on their third date, he said he felt like they should go on a normal one and get dinner and a movie.

They decided on a pizza place next to the theatre and got to talking about his upcoming trip.  His eyes got excited as he talked about it, and how he'd love to take his kids someday.  A little piece of her twinged, knowing that they'd never really end up long hauling it because she was pretty much past child bearing age at this point.

They missed the movie again, and he said he could just take her home or they could go out for a drink.  She said she was down for either one, but sensed he just wanted to go home.  Instead, they stopped at one of her favorite bars to get a drink.

They sat outside and amused themselves by watching the drunk people walking by.  After one drink he said he would take her home.

In the car, he confessed he started not feeling well in the middle of dinner.

"Oh my gosh, why didn't you just tell me so that you could've just taken me home?  I feel bad!"

He grinned shyly and said, "I wanted to spend more time with you."

She blushed.  "You are so cute."

"I'm just gonna stop in the alley way and give you a quick kiss goodnight, is that okay?" He asked.

It was.

Later on she realized it was the last time she'd see him for a couple of weeks.  She got a little sad.

Friday, August 25, 2017

Hotel Life

Mel texted the weekend after their first date.  "I got a room at the big resort for the next two nights so I'm staying there.  Want to come to the hotel bar for a drink?  My treat of course."

It was a weeknight, and she hesitated before reminding herself that her life was her own and she could do what she wanted to do.  So what if she was a little tired at work the next day?  She was an adult.

She got there just as last call was happening at the bar.  She ordered a dirty martini that he adorably turned his nose up at.  For being a bartender and a wedding DJ, he certainly didn't appreciate the strong booze.

They talked and laughed and finished their drinks.  He was a little shy when suggesting that they get another drink and take it up to the room.

"Just as long as you get that I'm not having sex with you up there."  She said, stern but smiling.

"I'm not expecting anything...well maybe some light making out."  He smiled back.

The room had a big kitchen, a living room, a huge bathroom, and a doorless bedroom.  She was impressed and went to the window to check out the view.  About a minute later he came up behind her and reached down and hugged her from behind.  She felt a bit of a stab in her heart as she realized that she and Piz had done that with her view all the time.  She tried to shake off the feeling.

"You know the LED screen on the side of this building lights up my entire apartment?  It's insane."

"Seriously?  You are like halfway across town, that's crazy!"


A comfortable silence came between them, and soon he turned her around and kissed her.  The kissing intensified, and she felt him gently guiding her towards the bedroom.  She playfully called him on it and he looked ashamed as she laughed and led him by the hand into the bedroom to the bed, kicking off her shoes as she went.

Soon enough his hands were under her shirt, and she told him about her quid pro quo.  She took his shirt off and he struggled with her sports bra and she giggled at him.

They wore each other out without anyone's pants coming off, and they fell into cuddling soon after.

His phone kept going off and she grabbed it and downloaded apps that made his phone better.  She texted with JJ and laughed as JJ told Mel about her sexual preferences that he had gleaned from her podcast.  Mel laughed and said that JJ was his best friend.

About an hour after falling asleep she woke up uncomfortable.  Her thyroid had been burned out and she felt like she got hit by a truck.

She was sort of done with being there.  She gave him a kiss, slightly waking him up, and told him that she was going home.  He wanted to walk her to her car, and she told him to just go back to sleep.  He asked her to text him when he was home safe, which she did.  It was a pretty racy but awesome second date.

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Meteor Showers of Feels

There was a lot of buzz around the meteor shower, and she loved going out and watching them.  She and the ex had been in an astronomy class together in college.  She smiled as she remembered everyone cheating off him in the final.

If she wanted to be friends with him she was going to have to do the hard things.  She texted him and asked if he was busy.  He was so clueless that he didn't even know a meteor shower was going on.

As they drove out to the middle of nowhere, it was very reminiscent of the wedding they went to awhile back.  The conversation was raw, hard.  She talked about how much she felt like the divorce was a death.

He took a big breath before telling her that he loved so much that she was able to put what he was feeling into words.  She had almost forgotten that she had left him without an emotion interpreter.  He'd never been good at it, but then again he almost never had them at all.

Until she brought all of them upon him.

She guessed that the guilt wasn't over with yet.

Monday, August 21, 2017

Dating Trickery

"I always have a fun time when you are around!"

Mel had worn her down with his boyish charm and she agreed to go see a movie with him.  Friendly, innocent...seemed okay.

"Do you want to grab some food before the movie?"

Well, she was going to be hungry after work.  She could eat.

Then he suggested sushi.  "Crap," she thought.  It was a date.

"I can't really afford sushi.  I can do tacos or pizza."

"It's all my treat!  I'm down for sushi if you are.  I'll just take it easy with my mouth, I was at the dentist this morning."

"You don't need to do that." She said.  He persisted.

She didn't mean to...but she was going on a date.

They missed the movie while eating sushi and talking.  They walked down the street to a late night coffee house and continue to talk.  He was so earnest and shy, and more introverted than she expected him to be.  Her heart softened towards him, as it had a couple of years ago when she held him while he cried about his ex-girlfriend coming to their show.

He walked her home, back to the alley that she jokingly referred to as "the scene of the crime."

His 6'2" stance widened as they talked at her door.

"Well," He said, "Since you didn't want this to be a date, I won't kiss you goodnight."

Her eyebrow raised and her voice laughed as she said "Really?  Really?"

"Well...okay then." He grabbed her and the kiss was electric.  Just like the first time.

"Do it again soon?" He asked.

"Yes please" she replied.

Friday, August 18, 2017

You Can Go Home Again

She felt sad, then numb.  The divorce had gone through.  It was over.  It was just a piece of paper, but PJ was right, it felt different.

She went out to coffee with a friend after work, and they talked about everything they could talk about besides her divorce.  It was nice and refreshing, as they hadn't spent time together too much until that night.

She put on her headphones and started the walk home and decided to take a different path, through a road with very little streetlights and tons of trees.

It was calming and relaxing to walk through the closest thing she got to nature.  She realized about halfway home, that she was actually heading home.

That studio was actually where she lived.  This was the first time she had called it home in her mind and headed there.  She had the sudden realization that she was, blissfully, alone.  Her decisions were her own.  Her choices didn't change anyone else's reality anymore.  She was, albeit calmly, free.

She no longer felt like going on the dating sites.  She didn't feel that insane push to prove that she was worthy of being loved anymore.  The pressure melted away.  The judgment from everyone else faded.

She was finally home, in herself, for the first time in her life.

It was a nice feeling.

Wednesday, August 16, 2017


"Got the divorce proclamation from the judge today.  That went a lot quicker than I thought." Her ex texted her.

She felt a stab go through her heart.  She'd just checked the website a couple of days ago and it wasn't even loaded on yet.

"I'm surprised we didn't have to go in" He texted.

She wondered if the letter was sitting in her mailbox.  The other night she'd been so drunk she tried to open her front door with her mail key and bent it, so she hadn't gotten mail in a little over a week.

"I guess that's it then?" She asked.

"I guess so..." He answered.

"I'm really sorry" she responded.

"I know.  Me too."

Monday, August 14, 2017

Friends in Low Places

It had been an insane Saturday.

She spent a fair amount of time in bed that morning, continuing to fall asleep until she had to get up to go to Banana's play.  She was running later than she felt comfortable, but as it turned out there were people still buying tickets when she arrived.

She walked into the theatre and the volunteer asked if she knew where she was sitting.  She started to say that she thought so but would like a little help.

No more than a couple of sentences into her explanation she glanced up to see JJ.  He grinned and slowly reached over and patted the seat next to his.

She returned his smile and told the volunteer that her seating arrangement had suddenly changed.

"I'm so hungover.  We kept drinking and walked a mile to the bar that MG had driven to after dropping you off."

"Ya'll are crazy.  I don't know how you put up with 21 that long.  He's a handful."

JJ shrugged.  "I like people who talk."

"Then why do you like me?" She laughed at him.

"Well I don't only like them."

He bought her chips for "their" hangover during intermission, then had to sneak out afterward because he had another social commitment.

She hugged Banana and congratulated her on her role of the lifetime, then had to move onto her next social commitment.

Her co-workers were waiting for her at the restaurant.  She declined a cocktail at dinner, and they went on to see KSL's show.  It hit her a little hard again as she watched, and there was a song about how his character had never been alone before, and it obviously struck a nerve.  She was afraid of when the paperwork went through and she'd be all alone, for the first time in her life.

She left her co-workers and went downstairs to say hi to the cast.  KSL gave her a warm hug, and it was the first time in a long time they had hugged.  She buried her face in his chest and breathed in.  His smell hit her with a powerful nostalgia.  He commented on how good the hug had been, and they went in for another.

"You okay?" He asked her.  She shook her head no.  All the sensations from the papers filed weighed down on her.  It was as if all the sentiments from the last year were concentrated in this moment.

"You need to talk?" He asked, already on high alert.  She wanted to say no but ended up nodding her head.  He said he needed to speak with some people first and then they could head out.  She ended up talking to the musical director about the show, and she shared that it was hitting her harder because of the divorce.  The musical director was shocked that they had been separated at all, so it was extra difficult to talk about.  Eventually, the director left and she was chatting it up for awhile with the bartenders.

She heard KSL laugh over where he was surrounded by people, and her heart sank.  She didn't want to do this to him anymore.  He was having fun and she was being a burden.  She said goodbye to the bartenders and left.

Halfway home she felt guilty that she'd left without a word, and texted him that she was going home.  He texted a few minutes later that he was done, and came up for a drink.  They talked and watched fireworks from her balcony, and she shared the feelings she was grappling with in regards to the divorce.

She joked about having celebration sex because she just got her results back and she was std free.  He said he knew she was kidding, and she kept quiet because she didn't want to start anything or have any sex bruises before the sex with Nameless next week.  She needed that to happen to take her mind off everything, and she was really starting to miss him.

She and KSL went to Wal-mart for thank you notes for him and milk for her, and on the way he mentioned the Memorial Day trip she didn't write about.  He wanted to know if it was because she was angry about it when in reality nothing had really happened.  They had gone to the lesser known lake to hang and found it crazy busy, so they kept driving and went to Ikea and to sushi, where he claimed to have gotten violently ill even though they ate all the same things and she felt fine.

Looking back she realized maybe that was why she'd forgotten to write about it.  He'd managed to make her feel bad about the entire trip so she put the whole day out of her mind.  It was crazy how good they had gotten at their friendship, but there were still an insane amount of land mines to avoid.

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

A Little Too Much Fun

It was 21's birthday again, and they decided to have another epic night of drinking, sans DUI this time.

Everyone had their shows to perform/direct/attend, so they all decided to meet up later in the night.  Acrobat and SD crapped out just before everyone was supposed to meet up, so it ended up being their directors from the show last year, MG, and a mutual friend JJ.

She and JJ had been flirting almost since they met a couple of years ago.  It was purely innocent and sweet, and she enjoyed his company.  He had been there for the Harmless Fun night, where she told him she'd make out with him if he came.  He accidentally brought a friend, rendering making out null and void, which is why she ended up making out with the other boy.

She remembered making out with JJ, and 21 trying to make out with her...but the rest of the night, up to a certain point, was a blur.  MG informed her that at a certain point she had fallen asleep on a toilet.

She decided that it was time to stop abusing alcohol so much.  She had a bad week and deserved to act out a bit...but the time was over.

Monday, August 7, 2017

Mountains of Haze

It was Fire Season.  Even though they'd had a great, wet winter...the summer had turned dry and there were fires all around the surrounding area.  The last few days had filled the valley with smoke.

One morning she woke up, and for the third day in a row she couldn't see the mountains.

She hadn't realized until then how much she had counted on them to be there.  She became anxious and felt exposed.  It was like a blanket that had been ripped away from her and she grew cold.

It had been quite a week of emotions too.  Getting to be okay with Nameless and where they were heading...coming to terms with the fact that she had made out with someone without any sort of emotions attached to it.

On her end, anyway.

Mel had messaged her, asking what she was doing on Saturday, a mere 8 days after the incident.  He was marching in a Pride Parade and wanted her to come.  She told him she had breakfast plans with the Unicorn and then a facial later that day.  He then asked what she was doing Friday.  Luckily she had plans to go out drinking with her Maid of Honor.

"If you don't want to go just tell him that.  If it hurts his feelings he'll get over it." JJ advised her.

"I've just seen him get really emotional and over attached."  She messaged back.

"Oh yeah.  Definitely.  But like I said, if you're not feeling it then just tell him."

"I did.  Guess I'll have to keep doing it."

Friday, August 4, 2017

Murder on the 16th Floor

As it turned out, the paperwork they had filled out was the wrong one.  She forwarded the correct paperwork to him, asked him to fill it out and give it to her mother, as she was seeing her the following Sunday.

Sunday came around and her mother brought all her junk mail, but was missing the divorce paperwork.  She claimed to have not known about it at all.

She texted the ex and asked him where it was, as now she was going to have to drive all the way back to her mother's house to get it.  He made the limp excuse that he thought she was swinging by anyway and he had left it on the kitchen table.  Her mother's hoarder style dining room table.  It was going to take her a decade to find it.

She was already running late, so she found the paperwork and left without seeing anyone in the house.  Her sister and her boyfriend were out, and her ex wasn't home either.

The next day she went to the court.  She ended being up in the wrong office, but they told her to go to the aid office to have them check the paperwork before going over to the correct building.

Smart move, because it turned out that she actually needed a friend to sign a portion saying that she had lived in the state for the appropriate amount of time.  She also needed to be at work in the next half hour.

In a panic, she called SD who she knew had the day off.  She was out, but said "Just sign my name to it, no bigs."

She wasn't about to forge a legal document that meant so much to her.

She messaged everyone she could think of, and even considered going into work early to see if a co-worker would do it.  She walked down the street next to where she and KSL had their first D&M, sat down and tried to control her tears.  For a fleeting moment she considered KSL who also had the day off.  She shrugged it off almost immediately, as he didn't even have a working car to reach her to sign anything.  If she didn't get everything signed then the dates were wrong and she'd have to start all over.

Finally she got a hold of Goldie who was coming back from a treatment and was feeling nauseous.  She was a true friend and stopped by her work to fill out the paperwork for her.

Then during her lunch break, she walked back over to the right place, paid $400, and filed the paperwork.

She immediately felt a wave of regret, guilt, and utter sadness.  There had been a murder, and she was a criminal.

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

Pesky Memories

Facebook memories dredged up the bitter reminder of how one year ago, she made her split Facebook Official.

It took her by surprise so much that she slumped down into her couch, and slowly felt herself unravel.  This had officially gone on long enough.  She cried, for 20 solid minutes...before texting her ex.

"Well Facebook is a real asshole and reminded me that it's been a year since we told everyone we were done.  I can't stop crying."

Seconds later her phone started to ring.  It was her ex.

They talked, cried, and hyperventilated with each other for 4 hours.

The question that she had been dreading for over a year finally came.

"Are you sure this is what you want?  Can't you give me another chance?"

She drew a ragged breath.  Tears again filled her eyes as she struggled to remain strong.

"If I gave you another chance....and the same thing happened again"

He interrupted.   "You'd have every right to be mad at me then."

"You think this is about mad, about hate?" She asked him.  She didn't wait for an answer.  "It's never been about that.  It's about love.  If I gave you another chance and the same thing happened, I would be devastated. Devastated.  I don't have the strength to leave you a second time.  If the same thing happened...I would end my life.  Please don't think I'm exaggerating, I'm not saying this to be dramatic."

"I still think about you everyday."

"I still feel guilty everyday."

They decided to get together to sign the paperwork in a few days.

Monday, July 31, 2017

Listening to Reason

A Snapchat came through.  It was Mel, thanking her for the "fun evening" on Friday.  She messaged him back and said that she apologizes if she had been the Han to his Greedo and kissed first.  He replied that it was all in good fun, that he'd been wanting to do it awhile, and they were both currently single so it was no harm no foul.

She breathed a sigh of relief.  He wasn't going to be weird about it.  She didn't need to worry.  She'd heard stories about him freaking out over girls and his many sexual proclivities.

Now she could just go back to worrying about sex with Nameless.

She had finally gotten her test results back, negative.  After the slight scare and a friend confiding to her that he had gotten HPV a few days prior, she had been a little worried.

She had texted him that she was "squeaky clean like a rubber ducky" but hadn't gotten a response yet.  He was so stoic, and she thought that maybe that is what was messing with her.

She had to focus on what was.  He said that he thought it was obvious that he liked her body and mind.  She'd obviously turned him on, and he had said that if he didn't want her to be there, she wouldn't be.  He had been respectful always, a gentleman...while still being fun loving, passionate about his work, and a lover of all things Kevin Smith, an apparent requirement of hers.

Slightly more assurance would be nice, but she needed to get with the facts and listen to reason.  It was perfectly okay to proceed.

Finally a response came from him.  "Hahaha...well that's good.  Now don't sleep with dirty dirty guys."

"Well crap.  Now what am I going to do with you?"

Not much as it turned out.  A friend of his had come into town and he might be going out of town the entire next week.

"It's okay," she responded. "I know you can find a way to make it up to me later. 😘"

"Challenge accepted."

Friday, July 28, 2017

Harmless Fun Part 2

The group lost AB and BFF as they moved onto a gay bar.  It came down to JJ, Rey, and a group of people she almost never spent time with.  One in particular, Mel, she hadn't seen in almost a year, save for a quick moment when he came to her work to sign up for something.  He was out celebrating his birthday that night.  They had worked on a show together 2 years ago, and he had held him while he cried about an ex-girlfriend who had come to the show and brought up some feelings for him.

He was a bad actor, but as a person completely harmless.  She had never really thought of him one way or another since, had even deleted his information out of her phone during one of those times when she needed more storage for an update.

The group had started to pair up on the dance floor, leaving them together.  She had another drink and when drunk she loved to dance, so she grabbed him and pulled him onto the dance floor.  Grabbing his hand felt familiar, and she suddenly realized that at the last bar she had grabbed it to get him to leave while he was talking to KSL's ex.  She was on a whole 'nother level of aggressive tonight.

She knew that she was too drunk to be dancing well, and started to lean into him for support...which led to slightly more intimate dancing.  The alcohol throbbed through her system as the beat got more and more intense.

She couldn't remember if he'd kissed her first, or she had kissed him.  The memory was lost in time.  All she could remember was that they were kissing, and had been for awhile.  Without inhibition, a thought to how he was 9 years younger than her, or any other logical thought, she just enjoyed the moment.  He was a great kisser, almost better than KSL had been.  He kept up with her style and knew all the right places to grab her while they kissed.  She was addicted and kept going back for more.

3:00 AM came around and they headed out of the club.  The rest of the group head off towards their car, and he offered to walk her the half-block home.  She decided to let him.

The stopped across the street from her building, and came together to kiss again.  She got lost in it until she realized people were walking by them and how they must look.

"I could come up." He offered.

"I'm drunk, not stupid" she thought to herself, but to him she just said "I don't think so.  This was fun though."

"I've wanted to do this for two years.  Even before, when you were married...I feel bad about that, but I wanted this.  I really wanted to kiss you."

Her mind went through a range of thoughts.  The first being that she thought that was a great line, and would have totally worked on a girl his age to get him to come up.  The second being that he was earnest enough to mean that, and it was flattering.  The third being that she was now worried he was going to think they had something going on...and she felt nothing for him.  Even though she and Nameless hadn't had a talk about exclusivity, she felt like being exclusive with him.  She had no idea what came over her that night.

"I had fun...but I'm way too old for you.  This was a birthday present."

They kissed again.  She was embarrassed by how addicted she was to feeling so desired by someone.

It was awhile before they broke apart and she walked into her building, alone.

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Harmless Fun Part 1

She was overthinking again, ruining a nice thing.  Really she was just nervous about getting to the point where she needed to sleep with Nameless.  She wanted to sleep with him.  She was just scared...scared he wasn't feeling that this was anything more than a fling.  Not being able to see him very frequently gave her far too much time to think.

She went to volunteer for a show and her friend Rey bought her a drink.  The show was sold out, so instead of staying to watch it, she, AB, BFF, and Rey went out to eat.  Half a sandwich and another drink later, and they walked across the street to a bar.  3 drinks after that, she had texted her friend JJ to come join them, saying "There's a 90% chance I'll make out with you." knowing it would be an innocent "Disney Friends With Benefits" situation.

She was still full of hormones from the night before, and she impulsively texted Nameless "I'm so drunk right now.  I wish you were in town."  At noon the next day he would text back "Drunk cute"

While she was having a good time she looked across the bar...and saw KSL's ex.  The one he had left when they were first together.  She was drunk and running on pure emotions, and she was totally irritated that his ex was again crashing the same bar she was in.  For some reason she blamed KSL, and texted him as such.  It led to yet another back and forth between them where she told him that he no longer had any use for her because she was no longer weak, and he preyed on the weak.

A couple of other mutual friends joined up with them, and decided to move onto the next bar.

Monday, July 24, 2017

Seeing Where It Goes

She went back through their texts and found that he liked peanut butter milkshakes, so she picked one up for him on the way to his house at 11:00 PM at night.  After a quick kiss hello, they stood by his kitchen with their liquid delights.

She had also brought tequila which he declined.  She had a shot and she talked about the rough day that she'd had.  The construction going on around her office was slowly driving her mad.  The beeping of the machines and the yelling of the workers while she tried to make phone calls was trying at best.  She was even starting to hear construction noises in her sleep.

His work had been so delayed before the holiday, and fires surrounding the area delayed him by a whole day of travel.  He hadn't even been in town for 24 hours and he was leaving the next day.

She gave him a pouty face and said "poor baby" as she moved towards him and kissed him.  He pulled her towards him as they kissed.  After a moment they broke apart and he laughed at her height, as he was almost as tall as she was standing as he was sitting on his barstool.

"I think maybe you are just too tall.  I think I'm the perfect size."

He grabbed her around her waist and said "Hmmm...maybe.  Lets take this to the couch."

After the teasing she had promised and stepping up the physical as much as they could while keeping their clothes on, he sighed that he should be going to sleep.  She asked when he needed to get going the next morning.  He said he had to be up by 5:00 AM to do a few hours of work before driving 4 hours to his other job for the weekend.

"Jeez, do you want me to leave?  I feel bad, you don't even get a few hours sleep before heading out again.  Why did you even invite me over?"

 "Hey...if I didn't want you here, you wouldn't be here."

She slept over again, if only for a few hours.  He was grumpy in the morning, and he stated again that he wasn't a morning person.

"I know.  It's adorable." She said as she kissed his cheek.  He kissed her goodbye and watched her cross his lawn before closing his door.

Friday, July 21, 2017

Vote of Confidence

"I have plans tomorrow I can't cancel, so unless you have some free time later it's looking like next week for us." She texted Nameless.

"I will be after 11PM for sure"

"11?  Think you can remain a gentleman at that hour?"

"What is the fun in that"

"There can still be a little fun"

"That sounds like teasing"

"I'm nothing if not a tease"

"I think you need to sell this a little more.  I'm not sure I could contain myself."

She blushed deeply.  "You're killing me.  I want to but I can't yet."

"Hahaha...I always hated that time of the month"

"Aaaaaaand now I'm embarrassed."

"Haha, that's funny"

"I'm glad you are finding the humor in it, you jerk.  Am I uninvited?"

"No, I wouldn't do that.  Plus I am interested in that 'little fun' comment."

"....of course you are."

"I am a guy"

"You're not wrong.  Just as long as that's not all you are after."

"I am not after anything specific."

The comment stung.  "I'm not entirely sure how to take that."

"I am just taking things as they come."

The conversation was not going how she wanted it to go.  "I was just hoping you were attracted to my mind and my body equally Sparky."

"That too...I thought that was obvious."

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Thwarted by Technology

He came around the corner and there was something immediately familiar about him.  Maybe she'd seen him while she was walking to work before and never noticed, maybe on one of the dating sites.

The music in her earbud swelled as they approached each other.  A few doves scattered and flew into their path.  A breeze picked up and gently blew back her hair.

It would have been a beautiful meet cute...if he had ever looked up from his phone.

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Waiting Game

The day had marked a week since she'd heard from Nameless.  He went camping the previous Friday for Independence Day weekend, but he had been in a foul mood just before.  She sent him a text before he left, saying she would miss him.

Maybe that had been a mistake.

She sent him a text asking how camping had gone on Wednesday.

No answer.

They'd gone this long without talking before.  But the recent physical things had seriously screwed with her.  She had no idea if he was gone this time for good.  If he was just no longer into her.

She worked herself up into a frenzy, and it took listening to one of her own podcasts about her overthinking to stop her.  Nameless was very scientific and straightforward, he had even told her he wouldn't ghost her, he would tell her before he ghosted her, which she had laughed at.

She needed to operate under the assumption that he still liked her until being told otherwise.  When he wasn't around she needed to almost forget he even existed.  She needed to just live in the moment when she was with him.  She still had a few days before getting back her test results, she had done everything she could.

He finally texted her back two days later.  "Camping was good.  Got in late Wednesday and back to the busy grind.  Heading out shortly.  Have to meet with a few professors then head out of town.  I will be back next week."

"Have a good weekend" She texted back, and then tried to forget about it all.

Friday, July 14, 2017


Sometimes technology provided people with too much power.  She found herself with an overabundance of it during the weekend of broken promises.

The dating website had a Q&A section that she had almost forgotten about.  She found herself with too much free time, and logged on to look at Nameless' answers.

What she found was so conflicting she ended up texting Mo at 1 in the morning.  She had a gut feeling he'd be up anyway, maybe feeding his newborn.

"So what do you think it means if a guy has expressed on his dating profile that sex is extremely important to him, but in person he's not pushing it at all?  Full of shit on his profile to make himself seem cool, being respectful, or not actually interested?"

Mo was quick to answer.  "He just wants to fuck but is being gentleman-like.  Every guy wants pussy--it's just how one goes about it that makes them suave, fake, or a fucking dick."

"It's throwing me off if he's so pussy centric then why hasn't he made a move or tried to pressure me into anything.  You think he's just longhauling me?"

"He could be testing the waters because he could be like me...which means he's just making sure he actually wants to have sex with you.  Like how picky I am you know?"

She knew.  He wouldn't even talk to women if they didn't have the right kind of feet, as if that was something anyone could control.

She decided she needed to put this added knowledge to rest.  Obviously he was interested in her, and she needed to give it all a rest and chill out.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Weekend of Broken Promises

At the last minute her boss decided to give everyone the Monday before Independence day off, and well as the 4th.  She was more upset than anything else, as she hadn't had time to really plan anything.

She made beach plans with MG that got shut down pretty quickly by SD,  stating they had a rehearsal that night and would never get back in time.  Goldie overheard and suggested a closer beach, and that they all go.  She acquiesced.

A few days later there was a text from Goldie to her and SD.  "Why don't we make it a staycation and do a buffet and hang by the pool?"

SD responded in kind.  She did not respond at all.  She guessed it didn't matter what she thought one way or was the exact opposite of what she wanted to do that weekend.

Later Goldie again texted her about going to a ball game on July 4th.  "No thanks, I really can't afford it.  Have fun though!"

"I already bought your ticket!"

She scowled.  She didn't even ask her if she wanted to go, just bought a ticket.  She disliked having plans made for her.  Her plans for the weekend had been all well and good until Goldie came along and blew them up.  Suddenly all she wanted to be was alone.

Again, she didn't respond.  Goldie pushed.  She became more angry, and still didn't respond.  Eventually she had to respond as Goldie kept hounding her.  She was as restrained as possible.  Goldie still said some harsh, rude things to her under the guise of friendship.  Then she insisted on a trip to wine country that was a few hours away, only to say it would be pretty pricey an hour later.

Dejected, she left her suitcase out on her coffee table, packed only with some underwear and pj's.  She was so desperately tired of being jerked around.  Her heart hurt.

Monday, July 10, 2017


"So you think you have a yeast infection." The skeptical nurse practitioner stated rather than asked. 

"I do.  I just had my tonsils out and have felt pretty crappy down there ever since and I tried treating it myself several times but it's not going away."  She waited a moment, then said "And I wanted to get the HPV Vaccine while I was here, and have another round of STD tests."  She didn't say why, figuring this lady heard the story all the time.

"What kind of soap do you use?" She asked.  "Um, the sensitive kind?" 

"The body wash or the bar soap?"

"The body wash."

"The body wash is horse shit.  It's just the cosmetics companies selling you water instead of product.  Always use the bar soap.  Tell your partner to use it too, it's important for your intimate areas to be clean without harmful chemicals."

She didn't have the heart to tell the NP that she hadn't even seen his junk yet, and she thought it would be awful presumptuous to tell him what to do with it.  The NP was so forceful about her opinion she ended up promising her that she would buy the bar soap for her and her "boyfriend" just to shut her up.

The NP did her swabs and came back in with the results pretty quickly.

"You have a bacterial infection.  Have you heard of vaginosis?" The nurse practitioner asked her.

Her heart immediately went into her throat.  That sounded serious.  What had she caught?

Someone stepped in to talk to the doctor and she stopped her explanation.  She panicked further until she came back around and said it was a typical thing.  "Most people have it when they think they have a yeast infection.  I'm sure it's just from your weakened immunity from your surgery.  I'll call in a prescription for you."

"Now about your vaccine.  It's three shots, taken six months apart.  Your insurance won't cover it, and it's $120 a shot.  Do you want to do one today?"

It was so much money, but she nodded yes anyway.  $300 for no cervical cancer and a piece of mind about not having it was worth it.

"Okay, so we will take you back out into the waiting room and get you all paid up, then take you back again for the shot.  Then we'll send you over to the lab for the rest of your requested blood work."

She got anxious again.  She was already going to be late for work.  "Listen, I didn't pack a lunch.  Can I make an appointment to do these things later?"

After work she made her way to the pharmacy to pick up her prescriptions.  The pharmacist was new, and young.  He stammered when he was talking about her prescriptions and in what order she should be taking them.

"And, lowers the potency of certain other medications you are taking.  So, if you are taking any form of birth control, you might want to um...double up?  Use a condom--use two forms.  Of birth control.  Just for this 7 day course of treatment."

She tried to interrupt, again, to no avail.  It seems everyone thought she was further along in her flirtationship than she actually was.  She had no idea when she would even see Nameless again.

"Okay, thanks" she said halfheartedly, taking her medication and heading for the exit.  In a couple of weeks she would no longer have an excuse not to have sex with him.  She wondered what she would do then.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

Ms.'d Communication

She'd shot off an innocent text to Nameless on Friday and then tried to get on with her weekend and not think about him.  She realized all to well her aloofness had gotten her this far...clearly she hadn't shown him her overthinking skills.

She went shopping with Dawn, telling her about her little PG-13 romance.  Dawn was, as always, super supportive and wonderful.

"I'm...I'm afraid."  She said.  Dawn looked up from their retail therapy to take note.

"I'm afraid I don't know what a healthy relationship looks or feels like.  This feels nice but...there isn't a big spark, a big fire.  With my ex it was like this.  Nice, easy, cute.  With KSL it was like fire and danger right away.  With Piz, once things became physical, it was so exciting...but it burnt out so fast.  I don't know what feels healthy or normal."

Dawn nodded.  "I forget exactly how the saying goes, but they say that when the right one comes along you feel calm."

"But that's not very much fun" She retorted.  After a moment of silence they both laughed.

By Sunday night she was feeling a little disappointed that she still hadn't gotten an answer from her text on Friday, but he did tend to get really busy at his weekend job.

The pain was starting to worsen on Monday afternoon until she heard her phone go off.  A message on the dating website...from him.

One of the experiments at work had fried his cell phone and three others, and he had lost all his data, including her number.  He'd been waiting all weekend for her to text him so he could get her number back.  He'd never gotten her last text on Friday.

She'd won yet another Mexican standoff that she didn't know she was even having.

Because of the accident, things were going to be hard for him at work, and he wouldn't be able to see her for a week.  The next weekend was July 4th and he was going camping with friends.  It seemed as if their budding romance was put on an indefinite hold.

"Bummer." She texted him.

Monday, July 3, 2017

The Sleep('s) Over

A full 24 hours passed in silence between them.  It gave her plenty of time to feel gitty, freak out, and keep thinking about people she could tell.  Because it wasn't a secret.  She could tell anyone she wanted to.  That was a nice change.

She was talking to Mo on the phone, filling him in on her dating life.

"I don't know if it's an insult or a compliment when he says he was licking his lips for 20 minutes trying to figure out the flavor of my lip balm."

Mo retorted, "He was licking his lips for 20 minutes thinking of you Penny!  Take the compliment!"

She pushed the envelope anyway and texted Nameless back "I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult.  I'd like to think it's an awesome olfactory siren call that reminds you of me...but the way you say it makes me think that you are kinda grossed out."

His response came 30 minutes later.  "I was actually hoping I could make time soon just so I could do it again."

So, for the first time ever, they saw each other within 48 hours of the last date.

She went over to his house in comfy work out clothes to watch the movie late that night.  She brought some rum and some coke, and because his directions to the house were confusing he said to text when she got there.  He walked out to meet her and waiting until they were inside to give her a little side hug.  She sort of expected a kiss but guessed he was "starting over" again.  She realized it was the first hug they had ever had also.

He turned off his air conditioner and they settled in on the laptop to watch the movie, him not making a move to cuddle at all.  Finally she told him he needed to turn the air back on, as she was so hot she was starting to sweat.  He concurred, and also brought out a pair of in-ear headphones back, because now the air would be too loud and they wouldn't be able to hear the movie.  "Of course, now we'll have to cuddle."

"Well played!" she retorted, her eyes smiling at him.  She snuggled up to him, but he remained reserved, only gentle grazing his hand close to her shoulder.

They talked for awhile after the credits rolled, about his experiment finally going well this week and how her week was finally about to be settling down.  She expressed how much she disliked customer service, but loved her job.

He finally, after 3 hours, bent down and kissed her.  After a few he broke it off and said "You are just so far down there.  You are so short!"

"I am, I am SO short" she laughed, straightened up, and kissed him again.  They kissed for a long time, stopping to just snuggle into one another.

"I wish we could stay just like this, and I could sleep and kiss you whenever I wake up.  But I guess I should be getting home." She said.  "I mean, if you insist." Came his light hearted but sarcastic response.

She raised her head and looked into his eyes.  "Is that an invite?  I'll stay if you remember--"

"To be a gentleman?  I remember.  I've been good, haven't I?"

"You have.  A little too good.  You could be slightly less of a gentleman."

He stood up and took her by the hand into the bedroom.  She quickly realized that it was never the passion, nor the kissing, that really stood up to a good hand hold.  He was so tall, it felt nice to be taken care of in some way, even if it felt just a little like she was a girl being lead to bed by a parent.  She was just so tired, it was around three in the morning.

His blackout curtains caused her to wrap her arm around him suddenly.  Her flimsy curtains in her apartment had afforded her little darkness in the last year, and she exclaimed to him that it was the most dark she'd experienced in a long time.  He ducked down and kissed her forehead.

He climbed on top of her and they made out for awhile before falling asleep.  His hair smelled amazing, and every beautiful thing almost made up for the fact that his couch and his bed were so poorly constructed that her body was so very sore.

In the morning he convinced her to hit the snooze a few times, and she climbed back into bed, away from the frigid temperatures he kept his bedroom.  "If we are snoozing again I need under the covers, I'm already in the second stage of hypothermia."  He laughed lightly and let her snuggle up to his back.

"I'm glad you stayed.  It was nice."  He said, still with sleep in his voice.

He wasn't a morning person.  He popped up when the alarm went off once again and said they'd slept too long and he needed to get ready.  She got her stuff and he walked her to the door with a groggy disposition, but still kissed her on the cheek.

She grabbed his hand by the door and looked into his sleepy eyes.  He understood and kissed her softly on the mouth before leaving.

"Maybe see you next week."

Friday, June 30, 2017

The Real Date

"You haven't talked to Nameless all month?  Yeah, he's done.  He's ghosted you, it's over."  Goldie stated.  Of course, Goldie had also said that he was being a gentleman and waiting a few dates before he made a move because he was serious about her.  So what was the truth?

A day later she decided she wouldn't take ghosting lying down so she sent him a text message:

"So, are you ghosting me or what?  Blink once for yes."

His response, albeit a little later, was reassuring.  He wanted to meet up next week for sure, he had just had a lot of stuff come down on him at work and he got overwhelmed.  She smiled and felt reassured that he had honestly gotten busy and hadn't forgotten about her.

They had picked a bar at the base of her building, so she bragged to him that she'd be able to do a quick stumble home.  He was, of course jealous, and gave her a hard time as soon as they met up.

He said he might make the move to the midtown area down the street from her building.  Even though it was silly she thought about how much easier it would be to just meet up at the bar in the middle if he was that close.  Even sleepovers randomly made it's way to her head, a silly fleeting thought.  He hadn't even made a far as she knew, they were still just being friendly.

Their conversation was, as always, easy to fall into.  It was as if they had just had their last conversation, even though they talked that it had been since a few weeks before her tonsillectomy that they had even seen each other.

"I'm busy!"  He would constantly state, exasperated.  With a job 4 hours away on the weekends and going for his graduate degree as well as working a full time job during the week, she honestly believed that he had just been overwhelmed.

After a couple of drinks he slowly went from facing the bar to turning his body around to her.  He propped his leg up on her chair, and she rested her arm on his leg.

She couldn't remember how it was brought up, but she mentioned her date the day before with the naive boy and how he was sweet, but was so not for her.

"You date a lot." Nameless said, completely devoid of jealousy or feeling, just stating a fact.

"Not really.  Honestly you are the only one who has gotten past a first date in a really long time.  You are the only person I date regularly, which is sad considering how often you are unavailable."

"Yeah it is," he said, amused at first, then thoughtful.

"What about you?  Had any eventful dates?"  She asked him.

"I don't have time...I've been on a few can see it in their eyes when I tell them how busy I am."

She smiled "I know that look.  I get it all the time.  Now that I'm not doing theatre anymore I'm a little more available but guys don't really think going out for pho at 11 at night because that's the only time I have to spare is great.  They tend to just give up because I'm also so disinterested in them."

He nodded, saying "They are always checked out by the middle of the date.  They don't get that what I'm doing is important, and it won't always be like this.  In a year I'll be done with my Master's degree and I'll have more time.  I'll be more available.  But they don't even want to wait for the end of that sentence.  You're cool though, you know..."

She interrupted him; "I get it.  You are crazy busy.  I don't take it personally.  I enjoy our time together a lot.  Does it suck it isn't more frequent?  Sure...but I don't blame you for it.  I don't get mad.  It is what it is."

"It's so great that you get it."  He said.  She smiled at him.  They fell into a comfortable silence.

"It might be a few weeks before I can meet up again." He said.  She smiled and said "I figured."

The energy shifted, and he leaned forward and kissed her right at the bar.  He was so gentle and delicate that it took her by surprise.  He had talked about his wild rock and roll style past being a musician,  so she expected him to feel a little more dangerous.

He pulled away and looked into her eyes.  "I could try and make some time next week."

She smiled at him and just simply said "Okay."

He leaned forward and kissed her again.

"Maybe later this week."

Her grin widened and she quipped "Now don't go making promises you can't keep."

"You know I always just keep you out as late as possible so I can spend more time with you.  I could never forget about you, I'm just always so busy." He said earnestly.

She smiled at him again and said "I get it."

"It just feels like it's so long in-between when we see each other it's like starting over."

"You don't have to feel like that."

They started talking about Marvel and DC, and she brought up a movie that she hadn't seen yet.  He became adamant that she had to see it.  He would watch it with her.  He was being so adorable about his enthusiasm that she couldn't help herself, and leaned forward and kissed him.

They shut down the bar and spent some time outside talking.  They got a few bums asking for their spare change and quickly realized that hanging out in that area wasn't the greatest idea.  They kicked around the idea of going to another bar, but he had an early morning.  Eventually they parted ways, with him teasing her about getting the "vomit elevator" when she got home, the service elevator with the carpet walls.

She texted him when she got back to her apartment.  "Ha, I didn't get the vomit elevator!"

He responded that she'd most likely get it in the morning, then asked her what flavor her lip balm was.  She told him she thought that she'd worn peppermint and wild orange that day.  He said the orange made sense but he didn't get peppermint.  She asked if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

"That I can still taste you...good.  Not knowing what flavor it was...puzzling."

"Fair.  And Cute.  In a nerdy scientist kind of way 😋"

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Naive to the Nth Degree

She'd had her doubts from the beginning with this guy.  He had messaged her back in December and stopped messaging after she'd made mention of her love for sushi.  She figured that raw fish was just one step too far for him and wrote him off.

He popped back in and immediately wanted to meet.  It was a little too fast for her and she told him she was busy the rest of the week.  They talked and the conversation was boring, but at least he spoke in full and complete sentences without any major typos.  He had higher education completed, but was 6 years younger than her.  He sent her a link to his blog about his job, then later sent her a picture from the same blog.  She noted that she had already seen it, and he responded "You actually looked!!  It just made me happy that you care."

He was a little too easy to impress.  He had sent it, she had read it.  It was common courtesy.  She perused it, she didn't actually read through the whole thing.  She had done what she assumed was the bare minimum.  He invited her to a concert he was having with his students, she told him she had to work.  He said he admired her work ethic.  She just worked when they told her too.  He was certainly celebrating mediocrity.

Then his questions started getting a little too personal.  He wanted to know what floor she lived on, where she worked, her last name...all things she wasn't comfortable telling a stranger.  One night he was down the street and wanted to take a walk with her at 11 PM at night.  She made excuses, trying not to hurt his feelings.  He persisted, and she had to shut him down pretty harshly.  Still, he persisted.

As soon as he opened his mouth she realized he was just the most naive person in the world.  His voice was effeminate, but earnest.  He didn't know what Catfishing was.  He had no idea how he was coming off in his texts to her.  "I was just excited to meet you, I didn't think about it being almost midnight!"

In the end, he was a very sweet guy...but she had already raised a boy and wasn't about to start all over again with another one.  She told him they could be just friends.

Monday, June 26, 2017

How to Save a Friendship

"You can either love it and live with it, hate it and live with it, or leave it." BFF said.  She had reached out to her and they had an afternoon together, mending their limping relationship.  BFF had started seeing a therapist who had drilled that platitude into her existence.   She wondered if, eventually, BFF was going to say that she was "leaving it" with their friendship.  When they left each other, it seemed better.

Her childhood best friend, Unicorn, had been going through a hard time, so she reached out to her and met up at her house on the other side of town.

Unicorn opened the door and she was shocked at her friend's appearance.  She had gained at least 50 pounds since she'd seen her last.  Her heart went out to her, she was clearly going through a rough time.

After hearing what Unicorn had gone through, she shared her story of the last year.  Unicorn was super supportive and non-judging. Unicorn understood her to the core, and she was beyond glad to have her back in her life.

They exorcised their demons with each other, and it was like nothing terrible had ever happened between them.  They picked up like it was the 6th grade again, although their stories of their lives had...escalated.

She mentioned all of her misadventures in dating.  Unicorn asked her why she felt compelled to date at all, stating if she ever split from her husband, she'd never date again.  She told her that she had already essentially been alone for her whole life, and she felt like it was her time.

" seems you are getting the life you always wanted in high school!"

She started laughing intensely.  Unicorn was right, of course.  In high school she had never dated anyone but always longed to have a high school relationship.  She'd had a small taste of it prom night...before her prom date told her that he had found a girlfriend in-between asking her to prom and the actual night of prom. 

She guessed it was just her time.

Wednesday, June 21, 2017


She had lately begun missing him and thinking about him a lot.  Her ex was such a big part of her life for so long.  She trusted him with her everything.  At the beginning of their marriage he had gotten 100% of her.  He might not have understood her completely, but he was willing to listen.

She missed him.  She missed her best friend.

She wished she could tell him everything.  She imagined a world where she could tell him about KSL and he would magically not be devastated.  Instead he would empathize with her and tell her what she needed to hear...that she had dodged a bullet, and didn't deserve to be treated like that by anyone.

She wished she could tell him how beautiful it had been with Piz.  How even though it still hurt like hell, it had also healed her when she needed it.

She wished more than anything that she felt comfortable coming to him with anything more than lighthearted fun for fear of crushing him.  She missed being understood, cared for...not forgotten.  Not the pretending kind that KSL did with her, but the actual caring kind that her ex did for so long.

But she had no right to try and get back in his life at this point.  Even if she needed it...even if he needed it.

God did she ever need it.  She felt like she was falling apart, and her heart was made of glass.

Monday, June 19, 2017


"Holy fucking shit Penny, what were you thinking telling IL about KSL?  She's very much about being free and open and honest, and the holy spirit will move her in a couple of weeks and she'll go straight to your ex and tell him that you were together."

Goldie had been out of town during the last week of the show and she was catching her up.  She almost wish she didn't because she immediately felt nauseated.  Everyone would know.  It would destroy her ex, almost completely.

She flashed forward in her mind to seeing him so completely devastated, and knowing she was the cause of it.  If he ever found out, she would quite literally feel bad enough to end her life.  She could not live in a world where she had hurt him that badly.

She'd deserve it.  She'd deserve everyone hating her and she considered how she would be able to hide from everyone and live, again, without friends.

She felt everything crashing down around her.  She had left Goldie hours before, but she texted her as if they were just continuing the conversation.

"Should I just tell the ex?  The only thing worse than him finding out would be him finding out from someone other than me."  She was still concerned that the whole Improv troupe knew but she didn't dare ask.

"Assume good.  Leave it be and release your worries.  IL won't say anything.  If he learns it from someone else then just be open with him.  Proactively telling him now would only be for your sake, not his.  Protect him.  Anything else would be selfish and cruel.  Blunt enough answer?"

It was the truth, and exactly what she needed to hear.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Thinly Veiled Symbolism

MG had talked at her all night, and she was tired.  Tired of her opinions about how her and KSL were exactly like her and her ex were.  She harped and harped on the fact that they were a dumpster fire just waiting to blow up.  Even though they hadn't had sex in 6 months.  MG drudged up all the emotions that she had so carefully put away.

She was distraught.


Her ex had done something terrible.  Naturally, since they were still married that also had gotten her in trouble.

 They needed to run.

She couldn't recall how, but they ended up splitting up in order to confuse the police, and she was stuck sleeping on the floor in someone's house she didn't recognize with a bunch of other friends.

"Okay everyone, make sure to keep her away from KSL!" BFF shouted loudly.  She felt her face turn scarlet. She grew even more embarrassed as everyone followed instructions and started to smoosh her down so that she just gave up and went to an opposite corner of the room.

But in the middle of the night, she got up and snuggled up to KSL.  She realized she did this just to spite everyone, and not because she had any romantic affection for him.  She just wanted to be defiant.

She woke from the dream with an icky feeling of her thinly veiled emotions.  Her dream had brought a lot to light.  Then she realized...she had a dream.  She had a fully formed, "working it out" dream.  She felt like she had dealt with her emotions in the dream, and she woke up feeling completely resolved from them.

She forgot she could do that.  She had gone so long without having a good night's sleep, having solid REM sleep.  She had completely forgotten that when other people drink, or smoke, as an outlet...she had dreamt to deal.

But she hadn't been able to do that in a long time.  She had forgotten that she was able to do it, it had honestly been that long.

She wondered how many questionable decisions she'd made without having that outlet.  Maybe she had been making horrible mistakes for years.

As she walked along the river to work, she couldn't even pretend to be angry or upset about it, because it had come back.  She was elated.  She had an emotion, dreamt her thinly veiled symbolic dream, and emerged with a greater understanding of herself.  She had found herself again.

She smiled at the rushing river, the people walking their adorable dogs, even the pesky religious folk that tried to talk to her every day.  The day was beautiful, she was on her own, and she was going to be okay.