Monday, February 29, 2016

Ascent and Descent

"It's me.  You got me in trouble." Favorite Mistake said.  2 hours after getting her text, he called her from his office line.  She never picked up a random number, literally never.  She hated talking on the phone and unknown people on the phone was 10 times worse.  Still, her gut saw that it was in the area where they had met, and she answered the phone.

The Facebook message that she sent to his wife had gotten to her.  She lost her mind when she found out, and they had gotten into a huge fight.  He had never gotten her email, his spam folder must have gotten it trapped.  She said "I'd apologize for getting you in trouble...the thing is, I'm not sorry.  You stopped talking to all your friends and we all had a bet going if she had already ax murdered you."

His co-worker, who was out sick that day, was his only friend in the world.  He went to work, came home, watched TV, and went to sleep.  She asked him if he was happy, did this life make him happy?  He couldn't say yes.  He felt very alone, isolated.  He was looking forward to the birth of his child because it was going to be a little girl he could spoil with Disney movies.  Disney was what they first bonded over, and she was happy that he would share his love with his offspring.  She was still a little upset that he had gotten himself into this situation.

"If you were me, what would you do?" He asked her.  She had a shot of deja vu as she recounted the other girls he broke up with because she had said they were trash.  Her answer this time would be different.

"I wouldn't have knocked her up."

She confessed to him about her marital woes, and he asked her if there were any positive qualities about her husband left.  She said that she was sure there were, but she couldn't see them at the moment.  He sighed and said "Marriage isn't easy."

That sigh felt like a small little lift of depression from her life.  Like when you take off fake eyelashes after a long day; you forgot how much they were weighing on you until they were gone.  Talking to him had given her a better sense of self worth, she felt lighter and more confident.

It had been such a rough time for her as of late, she realized she needed to talk to him to remind herself of who she used to be.  She needed to hold onto that and be strong for a little while longer.

Friday, February 26, 2016

Father Figures

"I've been thinking.  And please don't get mad....I've been wondering what is missing for you that you believe only Favorite Mistake can fill."

"I'm not mad, it's a totally valid question that I've been asking myself. Honestly, since it has been a long time, it might just be nostalgia, it might be my situation. Right now I feel like there is no one in my corner, and he always was.  With the added "broke his heart" thing, I really just want to ask him what the hell he was thinking for the last 20 years, even though if I could talk to him I wouldn't be able to mention it. 

But I honestly have come as close as I can get to closure at this point. I was thinking about all the people I have now, and It's almost selfish to want just one more, you know?

Even if there is a history attached.   
The only thing is he was all those friends in one. Maybe I'm weird, but you know how you go to different friends to get different things?  He was all of them."

Together they had asked another old friend for a phone number and gotten it.  Apparently he only answered it sometimes, but she shot off a quick text anyway.

Turns out, according to the friend, Favorite Mistake was about to be a dad.

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Dust Bowl

"Oh my god, you want to divorce him so hard right now." Goldie said to her.  "You want to divorce him and run away so fast."

"I mean, yes...but I also know this is a knee jerk reaction." She told her.  It was unnerving the way she saw right through her and her feelings, which she tried to keep close.  She felt exposed, but also relieved to talk to someone that openly about her situation.  Goldie had always been so amazing to her, and she felt she deserved the truth.  She gave her the quick story of how she felt that her marriage was falling apart and he was doing nothing to help himself.

"He doesn't have a job, so he's feeling emasculated right now." She said, again being insightful.  Although she was trying to make her feel better about her situation, she really wished someone would be 100% on her side right now.  He gets excuses made for him, but she still has to be the adult, the strong one, the one to pay more money than she'd make in 4 months for his new transmission and relinquish her car in the meantime.  How much more would she need to sacrifice of herself before she had given everything a fair chance.

"I just don't want to make any decisions that I'll regret when I can finally see clearly." She told Goldie.  She replied "You are in a shit storm, a wind storm right now.  You can't see what's on the other side of the storm yet.  I think you need to get out of the house, get an apartment that you can afford on your own, and wait for the dust to settle there.  Then make a decision about what you need to do."

It was good advice.  She thought of the 8 month deadline KSL was giving his relationship, and in her mind she settled on a time frame.  3 months after they had their own place, she would make a decision, wrong or right.

She started searching online for two bedrooms that were in her price range.  She'd like this to start sooner rather than later, or she would make a knee jerk decision that she would later regret.

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

Mechanical Failure

"So, the truck officially died today."  Her husband said to her in lieu of a greeting.  She was on the second day of 16 hour days for her job and her show.  He was sitting on the couch, a movie just starting on Netflix.

"So, are you going to tow it to get the transmission fixed tomorrow?" She replied.

"Well, it's going to take them 4-5 days to get the parts.  In the meantime I have rehearsal tomorrow and stuff to do so I need to borrow your car."

Inside she was seething.  She knew it would take them that long to get the parts, why wouldn't he call them before waiting for the truck to die?  Why wait this long and then insist on borrowing her car, her one place of solitude, especially when he knew how she had gotten her job.

"I need my car tomorrow.  I need my car everyday, for my job.  I can pick you up from rehearsal tomorrow night, but I need my car from 7AM until about 11PM every day, we are going into hell week for my play.  Did you ask mom or my sister, since they have more flexible schedules right now?"

"Well, no."

He'd been in the house with both of them for hours before she got home, and he never thought to ask them for help, just assumed she'd be able to give up her car and her life, because his was more important.  She was done with it.

"Well, you better ask them because I can't help you."

Saturday, February 20, 2016

Seeing the Potential

She'd kept quiet in the meeting long enough.  This was the 3rd time KSL had been made fun of for basically being himself.  She wanted to text him that she wished everyone else saw in him what she saw because he was an amazing guy.  She didn't of course, because a text out of nowhere like that would only make it seem that she was drunk or she had heard people talking shit about him.  Why did no one see how hard he was trying?

Instead, after a lot of thought, she texted PJ.

"Do you think we see people at their full potential instead of who they actually are at that moment?"

"Yes.  Sometimes.  I also think we see people as they actually are when the rest of the world sees their unrealistic potential."

"Me too!  I don't know if that's good or bad for us though, in the end."

"I think it's a curse personally.  The only exception to that is if the very few in this world that we are closest to can benefit from that insight.  I feel like that's where I'm finally at in life now, which means it's hard to reflect upon all previous years as being anything other than a complete waste.  Perhaps too negative, but that's definitely how I feel."

It was so amazing how well he understood her.

Friday, February 19, 2016

A Man For All Seasons

"Is this the guy you wrote about?"
"Which one?  Not to be a whore but I write about a lot of guys."

She'd been thinking about this short interlude with her sleuthy friend lately.  Was she a whore for having mostly guy friends?  After her Favorite Mistake revelation, where she sought out comfort, she went to many people, few of them women.  

She did tell the BFF about it, but didn't seek solace from her.  As expected BFF turned it around to be about her and all the great romances she'd had, and not so great romances.  When they saw each other again, the BFF never brought it up or asked if she was doing okay.  She knew that it wouldn't be spoken of again.

PJ had come through big time, the only one to calm her down and bring up solid points that calmed her anxiety. They even went deeper into the human condition and solved problems that she didn't realize that she was having.  She finally realized what she needed to take away from all this was that she needed to become someone in-between her 17 year old self and who she was right now.

KSL had listened, been attentive, and shared insightful things he had learned from his therapist that shown a light on her current situation.  Maybe she also needed to set a deadline.  A fleeting thought of her sharing an apartment with KSL "Odd Couple" style made her smile.

Mo she had not told the whole story to, but she knew she could come to him for advice on what Favorite Mistake could be thinking when he got her email.  He said to her that if it was him, even though he was married, he would reach out.  Everyone has one that got away, and he would rather be friends with her then have her out of his life again.  A few days later, his favorite mistake called him.  She was in town with her new husband and wanted to meet to catch up.

BW had gotten a cursory overview, but she knew he wouldn't have had much insight.  He was very against all relationships, and their friendship was mostly just bitching about people they knew. 

All these men in her life are there for her, so many.  She needed to stop being greedy and let Favorite Mistake go.  Create her own closure.

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Drunk Breakfast

BW wanted to know what was going on.  But he had spent a week or so ignoring her texts and not thinking it was a big deal.  It broke her heart a little that he thought so little of her.

So this is what she told him:

Monday, February 15, 2016

Down by the River

" that's where all that is."  She was unsure why she had spilled the whole story to him.  A wall had formed between them since their last show, she was sure he had talked about her to the director.  Who else would have?  Although KSL said that he didn't say anything to her.  She guessed it really didn't matter now.  Either way, he'd taken her out for a drink that had knocked her on her ass and she had spilled the whole story to him.  He even paid, got her the souvenir bottle that she wanted for water at work.

"Wow, that's...intense.  I need to walk this drink off...let's take this down by the river."  He said, pushing his chair back and standing over her.  The foot of height difference between them was never more apparent than when he was standing.

They walked down a few blocks, talking about their lives.  His girlfriend had become quite a burden, and he had only gotten back together with her because he felt bad about how he ended it the first time.  His therapist had said to give her a year to get her act together before he could leave her.  She had 8 months left, although she didn't know this.  His therapist sounded good for the amount he was paying, and he managed to get down to only going once a month with him.

His girlfriend was allergic to latex, had migraines more often than not, and all around seemed like a not fun person.  She was unmotivated and left him holding the bag on their entire lives, financially and otherwise.  She was unemployed and going to school part-time.  She wanted to wait until he was about 40 to start having kids.  It was a shame, because he would be an amazing father now.  He had to pay for everything, and it was a lot of stress on him. 

Seeing as how her husband just quit his non-paying job and didn't seem to be looking for another one, she was in the same boat.  A blown transmission on his car had further proved that she would always be left holding the bag.  It was a difficult situation for both her and KSL.

Suddenly KSL took a sharp turn towards the water and said "Let's break some rules."  He walked over the chain rope leading down to the water and motioned for her to follow.  As she was smaller, he laughed as she put her drink down and pulled herself under the rope instead of over. Sober she would have protested all this illegal activity, but drunk it sounded like just the perfect amount of rebellion they needed in their lives.

The weather had been warmer than usual, but a cool breeze still blew up from the riverbank.  They continued to talk about their lives and their pursuits, slowly moving closer together for warmth.  The marble beneath her registered as just a little too cold, but she held on as to not break the spell.  She knew he would insist on moving if he knew she was uncomfortable.

They needed this little bit of defiance in their lives.  They needed to regain control of what they they sat on the river walk with their open containers in a county without an open container law, and they talked.  Talked about movies, talked about their lives, talked about how different it would be if they were both single.

He put an invitation out to come over to his house, as his loser girlfriend was house-sitting elsewhere in the city and wouldn't be home.  It was a desirable invitation, but she knew with how far they had gone in their feelings towards one another that night that it would be a mistake.

He admitted to making out with the director on New Year's Eve.  She understood, as the director had gone around the party with mistletoe on a stick and convinced her husband to kiss a strange girl on the cheek.  Seems the only person who didn't get a kiss on New Years was her.  Husband had talked about the random strange girl drunkenly all the way home, and it had hurt her, both because of jealousy and because she understood his fascination.

"Were I single, I would take you in a manly fashion!" KSL quoted to her.

"Were I unwed, I might let you."  She replied, deflecting the actual return line, afraid that it would get uncomfortable.  Unable to take the cold under her ass, she convinced him to walk back to a cinema with her so she could go to the bathroom before they parted ways for the night.

Her whole life suddenly felt like a bunch of turnoffs she hadn't taken.

Saturday, February 13, 2016

50 Shades of Blushing

"You broke his heart when you got married."

"Like because he's a drama queen or because he was really in love with me?"

"Both, most likely."

"Why didn't he ever say anything to me?"

"Because X was into you."

She didn't even remember meeting X until after she was married.  Her idea of what had happened between age 17 to now was completely skewed.  She needed to re-think her entire adult life.  Favorite Mistake she had an idea on, but she had no clue that she broke his heart.  Why didn't he ever say anything to her?  She knew he and X were good friends, but she didn't really talk to X, and the last time they really hung out together he ended up sleeping with her then best friend.  Not that it was a problem, the best friend would sleep with anyone, and she had no idea that there was ever an attraction between them.

Since she was sworn to secrecy on the heart breaking, she messaged X.  She said that she heard about an event happening at his job that made her think of him.  They got to talking, and she noticed he did flirt a was the same back and forth they always did with each other, only now it was colored by what she knew.  Had she been flirting with him this entire time and not known it?  Was that even possible?  How many times had she done that?  She never felt attractive enough to have that kind of power.  The quote "You know not what you do" from Julius Caesar kept repeating in her mind.  

Then in an unforeseen turn of events, X told her a story...that basically ended with him sending her photos of him in makeup and telling her about his wearing make up and having sex.  The story had started with her being Julia Roberts and ended up with being more like Rachel Dratch.

Hilarity aside, it looks like he was a mutual favorite mistake.

"I really miss you.  Please text me?" was sent to Favorite Mistake after a sleuthy friend found his work email through Linkedin.  It took her three hours to decide on those specific words, and she panicked long after sending it.  Days later, she hadn't heard anything.

PJ called her and they talked about the situation (and more) for 3 hours.  PJ knew exactly what she was thinking and feeling, and had a great attitude he passed along.  "No matter what, if you hear from him or don't, it's not a rejection.  If he doesn't reach out, it's only because his wife is crazy and made him cut off all contact with you and he can't.  After all that you've been through together, he has feelings and will always have feelings.  You will always have that."

There were so many other feelings...was she careless with his heart, even though she had no idea of his feelings.  Was she putting him in a bad position by contacting him at all?

Don't you tell me to deny it...

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Six Things Away from being Amazing

 "I found the perfect pre-show music for the play!" KSL said to her, dropping his trademark backpack on the floor.  He told her the name and explained they didn't have an album yet but their songs were very 80's, and for kids who didn't really remember the 80's."

"So, us?" She asked with a smile.  He returned the smirk with one of his own.

"Pretty much, yeah.  Hey what is this?" He touched her necklace.  "Is it a wishbone? It's" he reached out and turned it around so that the clasp was on the back of her neck.

"Thanks, it's a rental.  It's going back, clearly if it can't stay still." She touched the wishbone to her own collarbone.

"A rental?  That one of those silly girl boxes that your type get?" His face was filled with fake disdain.
"I have to up the ante at work.  The shirt is from the same place."
"I like it, it's cute.  What's the brand?"
"I'm not sure."
"Come here," he grabbed her wrist gently and spun her around to check her tag.  "Summer and Sage...never heard of it.  Looks good on you though.  It's nice."

It was as close to a compliment that she was going to get with their relationship, which was like brother and sister, only with a bunch of harmless flirting inbetween.  Although they were both a little sexually frustrated at the moment due to two different issues in their respective relationships.

Later he approached her and gently moved the clasp back behind her neck again, brushing up against her ponytail for a brief second.  Their eyes met...then he booped her nose.

It was a fine line to walk, but she was sure she would keep her balance.

Later she sent him a text:
"I listened to Runaway.  You are right, it's so perfectly 80's, I love it."