Friday, December 28, 2018

The Six Month Lean In

She'd become worn down.  She could always pretend for a certain amount of time before she broke, but she had no longer had her own space to break down.  Living with someone, but especially KSL, caused only the tip of her iceberg to be above water.

Her mental health decided to weaken at the exact moment that she had her busiest day of her vacation.  She'd put off socializing until it all happened at once, and two social gatherings turned into four.

On the fourth however, she ended up in a conversation with an acquaintance that she enjoyed talking to.  He was a stand up comedian and they could go back and forth with great quips.  She missed having a witty tete-a-tete.

She mentioned this to KSL when she was finally home.  Naturally, his low self esteem caused him to apologize even though she never meant it as a dig to him.  But since he seemed to want to go through some self-loathing...

"It's not your fault, you just aren't the D&M type.  You just...don't have conversations.  You don't even want to really talk about the movies you make me watch.  You got cranky when I said Blade Runner didn't have as much running as I anticipated."

As if she had challenged him instead of stating a simple fact, so they launched into a retrospective of what she liked and disliked about the first half of their lease. 

"You are just so squirrely about everything between us." she repeated multiple times.  "I bought a special robe to get to my bathroom because you were being squirrely about nudity, which is silly considering our history." She dug a little deeper and let a little too much go, the tide recede slightly on her iceberg due to her being worn down by disappointment the entire month.

He stepped out of character as well, and told her a story of him happening upon a fellow actor years ago when she was changing.  He had been "squirrely" and she had said to him "These's just tits, honey"

"Remind me of this conversation in the future" he said, "So that I can try my best to be better."

The next morning he came out of his room, haggard.  "You okay?" She asked.

He spoke, and just based on his body language she knew he had taken the D&M too much to heart and was worried by it.  As if to confirm, he said "Hey, new rule; we don't start a D&M so late at night."

"That's fair" She answered.

For the next few days he was on his best behavior.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Mental Health-Weak

Since she had missed out on what seemed like a lifetime of Self Care Sundays, she was really looking forward to having the entire week of the holiday off.

Her ex had been asking her to go to a movie with her, and to go look at the Christmas lights around her old neighborhood.  Even though she'd already seen the movie with KSL, she saw it again with him.  It was nice, but for some reason it was getting hard to spend time with him again.  She put off, then reluctantly agreed to go see lights with him.

After a full day of socializing that she didn't want to do, he texted that he was starving and convinced her to go to eat even though she was emotionally not feeling well so therefore wasn't hungry.  She tried to keep up conversation with him while he ate, but very soon an old injury of his had flared up and he was clearly uncomfortable.

Searching for a topic of conversation, she told him she'd been to the doctor because her periods were so bad and they decided to put in an IUD.

"Well that will help with all the free-wheeling I bet, huh?" He responded cruelly.

"No...I literally just told you why I was doing it.  I don't want to be in pain anymore."  She was taken aback as normally he wasn't this mean.

"Well, no, that's true, you still have to worry about STDs."

She shook her head as if to get the conversation stricken from her brain.  She suspected that somehow he'd found out about her and Mel seeing each other.  Which made her laugh since she had never ended up having sex with Mel, unless he wanted to count a night of Mel not being able to get it up with a condom and her eventually getting tired of trying and going to the other bed and going to sleep.

Her ex said it with such venom that someone must have said something, or he was just in a bad head space from his injury.  Ex then brought up he got a late night phone call from a mutual acquaintance that had been after him since before they were married.  "Please, anyone but her for your rebound" she told him, then regretted saying it as she just felt like she was "getting back at him" for his comments on her IUD.

They tried to go around and look at lights for a bit, but she eventually just drove him back home and said goodbye.  He was about to go into a really hectic work month so she didn't have to worry about seeing him for awhile.

She felt the day weigh on her and her depression deepened.  She wished she was done for the evening, but sadly it had just begun.

Wednesday, December 19, 2018

Good Intentions, Bad Party

She had invited Mel to the work Christmas party.  The retirement party had gone so well that they decided they looked good dressed up together.

"After the Christmas party, I would really love to get some hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, hop in an Uber, and go around looking at Christmas lights for an hour.  How does that sound to you?" Mel asked.

She was incredibly touched by the gesture and said that sounded really nice.

When she got off work he said he was just leaving his house, so she said she'd change and meet him there.  She had poured herself into a dress of Goldie's and some high heels she never got to wear out even though she'd owned them for years.  She checked in and walked around saying hello to everyone she worked with, until Mel texted her that he had just arrived.  She stood up and went to greet him at the door and immediately noticed he was exhausted.

"Did you have a hard day at work?  Are you okay?"  Normally she would have been happy to see him but she knew something had happened.  It had.  His "friend" had an emergency and he had driven 20 hours in the last 24 to help her out.

He only had a plateful of food, said he didn't feel well, and went home instead of their plans.  She told him it was okay, he needed to rest.

But she had a feeling in the pit of her stomach, depression and low self esteem starting to flow through her veins like a cold liquid.  She wasn't prioritized enough, to anyone.  Mel didn't want a relationship with her, Nameless was content with the occasional text and hook up.

She wasn't worth it.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

Drastic-ish Measures

"So, at my last checkup, I mentioned maybe having to up the dosage of my pain pills for my periods.  It's actually gotten much worse since last year."

"Yeah, what's been going on?" Her kind OBGYN asked.

"It's so bad that I had to call into work last month.  I have to take the painkillers, drink a large amount of alcohol and take an edible just to not spend 2 full days on my bathroom floor."

The doctor agreed that it sounded like endometriosis.  She had a couple of different options to choose from; an operation to scrape it all out that would have to be done again in a couple of years, or get an IUD put in.

She was conflicted, as she didn't want to go to the extreme of another surgery.  But she thought about the depression she encountered when she was on birth control pills, and worried about the same with an IUD.

"I would give you the smallest IUD on the market, and eventually it gets to the point where you won't have your period at all, so no more intensely painful cramps.  Do you want to give it a shot?"

She decided to try the IUD first, and they scheduled an ultrasound and the IUD insertion for the same day a week into the new year.  The doctor said that the ultrasound would make sure there was nothing else strange going on before going forward.

She was scared about all the things that could happen, and decided she needed to keep track of her mood every day to make sure that depression didn't take hold again.  Cautiously optimistic, she looked forward to no more pain. 

Monday, December 10, 2018

Holiday Trysting

Scheduling had been a real bitch between her and Nameless.  They ended up going almost two months without seeing each other due to his schedule always coinciding with her period.

Finally they were able to make a date work.  Well, an evening.  In order to make it work he was driving up late one night, and had an 8am meeting the next morning.  He got them a hotel room, and texted that he could be later than usual, around 10:30 at night.

She ended up downtown waiting for him at Goldie's place watching the dog with SD.  They turned on White Christmas, made hot beverages, and talked about making "Sisters" their newest karaoke duet that they'd never perform together.

Finally Nameless texted that he had arrived.  She said goodbye to a very sleepy SD and got into Nameless' incredibly tall truck.  She struggled to get into it as he laughed at her.

She could tell he was tired though.  He had just drove 2 hours after working a full day and right before that he had just flown in from across two time zones.  Regardless, they checked into the hotel and went to grab a drink from the nearest non-smoking bar.  After catching up and buying each other 1 round each, they decided it was time to head up to the room.  It was strange how they always needed a period of adjustment to get used to each other, to remember they were attracted to each other and not just strangers.

They had also been sexting a lot lately, and she was a bit concerned how much of it he actually wanted to put into practice and how much was just talk.  She was a little bit nervous.  He actually made a joke if she brought anything to get tied up with, and she did say she brought her scarf just in case.  He laughed and said he was just kidding, and she wondered what else he was kidding about.

Maybe she had just waited too long for him to arrive, but even two drinks later she wasn't feeling it at all.  Her spirits lifted a little when he finally reached out to her and kissed her.  She was more comfortable in a one on one space with him anyway.  She had to wonder if that was a KSL holdover, trying to pretend like they weren't anything when they were in public together.  Mel was the only one who was prone to PDA out of the fauxlationships she'd had the past few years.

It wasn't long before they were both kissing and tearing clothes off.  She was suddenly acutely aware that he was always on ripping her pants off, but didn't bother with anything else most of the time.  She took it upon herself to get her top and bra off, and he didn't say anything one way or the other about it.  He was actually very attentive, and for a few quick moments she thought he had maybe forgotten about his no oral rule, but he would always end up moving away as she was getting excited for anything to happen.

As per their discussions, she 'begged' him not to stop, thereby causing him to get too tired to finish in the middle.  Stating he just needed a small break, she teased him saying it was his fault for asking her to tell him not to stop.  "Well, I hope you got yours already" He said, causing her to near-snort with laughter.  He was a man of science, surely he didn't think she was just spontaneously orgasming.  It must have been the rock n roll past where girls would just lie to him without reason.

As he rested a moment her mind wandered to how KSL always said that he would make sure the girls would get theirs before he got his.  She shook her head violently as she realized what she was doing.  Why was she in the middle of a sexcapade thinking about him?  Thinking about how well he would be treating her at that moment?

Soon they were back again for round two, and it was just as great as it had always been.  Until he suddenly stopped, and stated that the condom had fallen off for a second.  When they tried a different position he joked it had been "easier when the condom fell off" and she suddenly didn't really feel safe anymore.

It was late when all was said and done and he went quickly to sleep.  She found it hard to drift off, her thoughts going back again to people who treated her a bit better.  There weren't many.

She'd waited months for this encounter, only to feel more alone than before.

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Merry Christmas Indeed

They say that once a company culture talks about being a family, it's time to get out.  They want you to get comfortable so they can take advance of you the way a family member would.

A sad thing to think about in regards to both work and family.  Neither are easy, but you can't live without either one.

But wouldn't it be nice to try?

She'd felt uneasy ever since KSL had texted her that he didn't need a ride home from work that day.  He texted it pretty early on in the day, but since she was up to her ears in work she didn't give it too much thought until she walked in the door and found KSL sitting on the couch, not on his regular side.

"Good news, you don't have to drive me to work tomorrow!"

Her eyes narrowed and her heart dropped.  "Why?"

"Or the next day."


"Or, ever."

"KSL, why?"

As she suspected, his job had decided to pursue other interests besides him.  He could have very easily been stoned, drunk, freaking out, or all three at once.  However he seemed pretty calm and collected for what had just happened to him.

He told her not to worry, that he had gotten an incredibly decent severance package and a pretty solid approval from unemployment when he filed, as others in the company usually got it without a problem.

Her heart ached for him.  He was already going through a depression because his ex had felt the need to tell him she was "seeing" someone else, but that it wasn't serious.  He didn't deserve to lose basically everything.

Merry Christmas Indeed.

"You are taking this all really well." He said to her, possibly projecting.

Of course she was taking it well.  It was her second rodeo after all.  She had gone through her own unemployment, and had gone through being the only person earning money in the house.

He told her not to worry, possibly thinking about her ex and how she had to do nothing but worry.  She would try her best not to, but she was already mentally canceling orders and trying to figure out how to do Christmas on a much smaller budget.

It was a very, very easy mentality to slip back into.

Monday, December 3, 2018

Retired Habits Die Hard

"So what time should I be there for your boss' retirement party?" Mel asked via text.

There had been a miscommunication.  She had sworn he had said that he couldn't come, that he would be busy.  "No, that was earlier this week.  I'm free."

She scrambled and got her plus one back on the same day, and told him it was supposed to be pretty fancy.

He showed up on time, looking great in a suit as always.  His new mountain man look sort of negated his nice suit, but at least he was there.  He had, in fact, showed up for her for once.

"You look so beautiful tonight!" He said upon seeing her.  She blushed, said that it wasn't really her at all.  A friend had done her makeup and her hair, she couldn't take responsibility for any of it.  "Hey, you look beautiful.  Just you."  She smiled at him and they headed inside.

As they sipped their beverages and caught up during cocktail hour, she mentioned to him again that she really liked seeing him in a suit.  He smiled and said "I like getting dressed up and going places with you.  I'm really glad you asked me.  I've missed you."

She knew it was a bad idea at the time, but when speeches were happening, they held hands under the table.  Both of them wished there was coffee, and suddenly after dinner coffee was served and they both basked in the glory of a caffeinated second wind to the night.

The band started up and she decided that was a good time to go to the ladies room.  He followed suit and they met up and went to the bar where he ordered another cocktail, and she just grabbed her water to sip on as they listened to the band.  Her boss was very excited to perform, but she was distracted by all the signals Mel seemed to be throwing her way.

He looked into her eyes and restated: "I've really missed you." His gaze darted from her lips back to her eyes, silently asking permission.  She leaned in for a small chaste kiss.

"You wanna get out of here?"


Mel had recently moved into a new place, and gave her instructions on how to get there.  She ended up following him most of the way, and was surprised in how close it was to her apartment, just down the hill.

His dogs jumped all over her in greeting, and she used his bathroom to change into a more casual outfit than the semi-formal dress she had on.  He had recently been to the spot they went to last Autumn and picked up some apple wine which they tried to enjoy with the dogs climbing on top of them.

They listened to some of his vinyl records since his wifi hadn't been set up yet, and waiting for the dogs to calm down before they resumed their kissing and fooling around.  Once it got a little too hot and heavy and he said he "I really want to take you back there to my bed" that she pulled away.  She had work the next day and had to be going.

And she wasn't about to get disappointed by their lack of sexual chemistry again.  They might be great make out partners, but they would never be any more between them than that.