Sunday, December 31, 2017

Year in Review

"Wait, you haven't had sex at all this year?" IL asked her over lunch one day.  She was genuinely shocked.  "With all the boys you had this year?"

She thought about it and realized she did have a dick-filled year for not getting any.  She'd spent the early morning hours of 2017 having tons of sex with KSL.  Things had gotten more serious with Nameless before dropping off.  She'd filed for divorce and in attempting a no-strings attached make out session with JJ and ended up in a sexless relationship with Mel.  There was even that hot moment where she almost agreed to a threesome with JJ and Mel, but ultimately decided she was "too tired."

It's funny that throwing out a tiny stipulation about getting an STD test before having sex will make your actual sex life come to a screeching halt.

But she had started her new job too, which still felt new despite being there a whole year.  Having a whole week off of it had been rejuvenating, but she was ready to get back to the grind of her life.

As she waited for the countdown, she had a mini panic attack.  She was officially getting into "too old" status.  Too old to procreate, even though she wasn't sure she even wanted to.  Too old to seriously get into a relationship.  She was very soon going to be of an age where nothing was appropriate anymore.

She tried to stifle the thoughts, as they just came with spending a New Years Eve alone.  There was something about starting a year alone that was profoundly depressing.  A friend had texted her that the crappier the NYE party, the better the year was.  She guessed this was the year to put that theory to the test.

Happy New Year

Saturday, December 30, 2017

A Blue Christmas

"What are you doing for Christmas?"  The Ex texted.

"Hopefully sleeping the whole day." She replied.  23 days of working in a row, and she was done with all people and things.

He wanted to hang, make empanadas and watch movies.

She'd gone too far, being in a show with him.  He'd gotten too close with her.  She'd given him hope instead of getting her best friend back.  Feeling more alone than before, she encouraged him to spend time with his ailing father instead.  They only had so many Christmases left together.

Christmas Eve she was getting all kinds of things done...balancing checkbooks, working on her and Dusky's project...and her phone let out the generic text tone.

It was Theo.  "Hope you are having a good holiday."

He was baiting her.  She should be strong and ignore it, the way that she ignored his Facebook message and his Instagram message.  She'd blocked him from seeing her FB feed, and un-followed him on both platforms.  Still, he persevered.

It was Christmas, she was really enjoying her alone time.  But he had gotten to her, made her annoyed.  "I'm still Jewish Theo."

"Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the holiday, lol"

He was so desperately ignorant.  She wanted to ask him how he enjoyed his Chinese New Year, because even though he didn't celebrate doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his Chinese New Year.  She knew it was time to stop responding.

"How's it going?" He texted 20 minutes later.  She continued to ignore him, and hoped he would release her in the new year.

Wednesday, December 27, 2017


"I was in a bad relationship, and I thought I found someone who put up with my ranting and craziness and laughed at my jokes.  So I kissed that person.  And I got scared."

It had been almost two years.  It was like the storm had finally passed through the town of her soul, and a quiet had finally come over, like after a great snowfall.

She wanted to say to him that he did find that person.  She was glad that he had been there to listen to her and help her through one of the hardest moments of her life.  She did find his rantings and craziness amusing, and wholeheartedly laughed at his jokes.  She still did.

But she hesitated.  She didn't want to tell him all that.  He would take it as a come on, as a want on her part to be with him, and that wasn't what she wanted to say.  That wasn't important or relevant at this moment in time.

So she stayed silent, and he fell silent as well.  She had her answer.  He got scared.  So many things fell into place from the past, and she finally felt like she could move on.  Move forward, not be stuck wondering why.  She finally had understanding, and closure.

It wasn't until a few weeks later she suddenly realized how it all must have felt from his side.  He followed his emotions and felt something for her, and kissed her.  Then she freaked out the next day.  was in her head, figuring out how to end her relationship.  So he tried to backtrack, to make her feel better.  Told her the kiss didn't mean anything, which ended up upsetting her further.

It was even more doomed from the start than she realized.  She still didn't regret a minute of what happened, and still cared for him deeply.  But she knew she cared for him far more than he cared for himself, and that wasn't likely to change anytime soon.

They did end up getting a little physical that night, but ultimately she stuck to her rule and they didn't have sex.

Monday, December 25, 2017

Playing Catch Up

It had been one hell of a December.  Before she even realized what was happening, it was the middle of the month and she had been working 15 days straight, and would continue to the end of the month.

Now that she was at the end, everything was a blur.  The end of the last month had been tumultuous between her and KSL, but by the end of December it seemed to have leveled out again.  She sincerely hoped to stay there for awhile.  More and more she felt like she was just running out of friends, even though she still felt like she couldn't really trust him as much as she wanted to.

Being at Goldie's play was difficult because she was literally running over from work, running herself ragged, only to find that the BFF had made sure that other people were doing her job.  BFF made sure she wasn't available to contribute to the director gift from the cast.  One night she didn't even show up, only texting Goldie to give her a head's up.  No one missed her.

It was funny.  BFF was the one who introduced her to the Five Love Languages, and she went out of her way to take away her main love language; Acts of Service.  She felt absolutely helpless.  She recalled a conversation she and KSL had during one of their drives, where she told him she never felt like he needed her for anything.  Nothing to contribute=nothing to love.

She might as well become an actor with how low her self worth was.  Really she was just very, very tired.  She was fast becoming too tired to care.

On a date with Mel, she was trying to get him to open up with her, to confide in her.  They had been dating 6 months, and it had stayed really casual, with bursts of emotional intimacy.  He was a really sweet guy, but she was fast feeling like a burden to him.  She was not used to someone taking her out, paying for drinks and dinner, having dinner dates...but no sex, and no confiding from him.  She, again, felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, wasn't needed by him.

A friend of his died, and she offered to go to the funeral.  He said she didn't need to, and she addressed why he wasn't letting her in.  "I'm a deserve better than that.  It's a testament to how much I like you that I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you."

It hurt.  It cut through all the numb she was feeling.  On one hand, it was nice that he thought so highly of her that he didn't want to subject her to his shit show.  On the other, it was a rejection.  It hurt.  And the only difference between him and her Ex was that Mel understood what he was doing and wasn't going to take advantage of her kindness.

It still hurt.  How did she keep getting into these faux-lationships?  If he never wanted a serious relationship with her ever...then what were they even doing?  MG said she was doing "relationship" not with a lower case or capital R, but with a cursive R.  At least without the sex part it was easy for her to not get her heart completely broken.  Again.