Monday, December 25, 2017

Playing Catch Up

It had been one hell of a December.  Before she even realized what was happening, it was the middle of the month and she had been working 15 days straight, and would continue to the end of the month.

Now that she was at the end, everything was a blur.  The end of the last month had been tumultuous between her and KSL, but by the end of December it seemed to have leveled out again.  She sincerely hoped to stay there for awhile.  More and more she felt like she was just running out of friends, even though she still felt like she couldn't really trust him as much as she wanted to.

Being at Goldie's play was difficult because she was literally running over from work, running herself ragged, only to find that the BFF had made sure that other people were doing her job.  BFF made sure she wasn't available to contribute to the director gift from the cast.  One night she didn't even show up, only texting Goldie to give her a head's up.  No one missed her.

It was funny.  BFF was the one who introduced her to the Five Love Languages, and she went out of her way to take away her main love language; Acts of Service.  She felt absolutely helpless.  She recalled a conversation she and KSL had during one of their drives, where she told him she never felt like he needed her for anything.  Nothing to contribute=nothing to love.

She might as well become an actor with how low her self worth was.  Really she was just very, very tired.  She was fast becoming too tired to care.

On a date with Mel, she was trying to get him to open up with her, to confide in her.  They had been dating 6 months, and it had stayed really casual, with bursts of emotional intimacy.  He was a really sweet guy, but she was fast feeling like a burden to him.  She was not used to someone taking her out, paying for drinks and dinner, having dinner dates...but no sex, and no confiding from him.  She, again, felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, wasn't needed by him.

A friend of his died, and she offered to go to the funeral.  He said she didn't need to, and she addressed why he wasn't letting her in.  "I'm a mess...you deserve better than that.  It's a testament to how much I like you that I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you."

It hurt.  It cut through all the numb she was feeling.  On one hand, it was nice that he thought so highly of her that he didn't want to subject her to his shit show.  On the other, it was a rejection.  It hurt.  And the only difference between him and her Ex was that Mel understood what he was doing and wasn't going to take advantage of her kindness.

It still hurt.  How did she keep getting into these faux-lationships?  If he never wanted a serious relationship with her ever...then what were they even doing?  MG said she was doing "relationship" not with a lower case or capital R, but with a cursive R.  At least without the sex part it was easy for her to not get her heart completely broken.  Again.

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