Wednesday, November 30, 2016


"What's wrong with me that I want to go out for a drink but I know as soon as I get home I'll take a hot shower, watch a movie while I write, and go to bed early?" She texted KSL.  She had gotten out of work early, went to a doctors appointment where they had surprised her with a flu shot, which already hurt like hell, and had sushi with Dawn.  It was only 5 PM and she was done with the world and ready for the extended days off she had laid out before her.

"I don't know.  I'm down for a drink after rehearsal." He responded.

"When are you out of rehearsal?" She asked.


"Mmm.  Okay, let me know." It was so far away that she might not be in the mood when the time finally came.

She took a shower, tried to take a nap but her mother and Mo both called and kept her from both her movie and her writing.  She laid down, finally, around 8:30.  She woke up from a text from KSL at 9:34.

"What's the dizzle, P-sizzle?"

"I could drink.  Just need pants.  Where do you want to go?"

They ended up at the same bar that she had last been with Piz.  The bar was full for a Wednesday night, and KSL gestured up to the loft where Piz has kissed her.  She winced, but they went up to sit down anyway.  KSL sat in the same spot Piz had, and she deliberately sat in a different spot.

Their talk was pretty jovial, showing each other photos from their youth and memes they had found recently.  She laughed at his early 2000's sideburns and dyed black hair.  She told him that he was lucky they met when they did, or she wouldn't have found him the least bit attractive.

They snapchatted some "Ethel Merman Sings The Everything" with the 90's R&B that was playing at the bar.  He stole her phone they laughed as she tried to find it on him.  She chided him on his "old man cardigan" his brother had bought him.  It was nice.  Maybe a little too friendly, but that's where they were.

She told him about how the ex had stated that he should have encouraged her writing more, and seeing as how the first guy to take an interest in her writing she had sex with, he was onto something.  KSL winced and said "I'm not sure how I feel about that."  She responded "Well, technically B read a bit of my public blog too, and I fucked him 100x more than I did you."  He nodded but still was trying to suss out what he was thinking.

"You know I've tried finding it a couple of times." He looked up and confessed.  Her eyebrows rose in amusement.  "You did huh?"

"Yeah, it crossed my mind a couple of times.  Tried some key words...nothing came up."  He seemed genuinely disappointed.  "Well, we did stop reading before we got to the good stuff to be fair." She smiled at him.

"So....what do you want to do now?"  She winced.  Exactly what Piz asked.  KSL asked what was wrong as he saw the look on her face.  She explained what had happened that night.  "Well, at least he went after what he wanted." KSL responded.

"You hungry?  I haven't eaten dinner yet." He suggested Pho, and suddenly it was all she was desiring.  Besides, it was the only place that was going to be open that late.

As they arrived she remembered it was him who had made fun of her for never adding anything to her pho, and now she made a huge mess of things.  He asked her which was the fish oil, and she laughed at him for not remembering.  He picked out his tripe, and she made fun of him of him for even ordering it.   They tried each others and made fun of each other for how the pho tasted. 

"This is what I meant that night.  This is what I missed about our friendship.  This is where we were always supposed to be, even though we got a little lost."  He smiled at her and nodded.

He suddenly checked his watch and exclaimed "Well, it's official.  Happy Thanksgiving!"

She was glad that she was with him for the first parts of the day.  She was glad that he had really come into her life this year.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

What a Beautiful Wedding Part 2

At the crack of dawn, they woke up to "enjoy" the free continental breakfast the hotel had to offer.  As she made her half waffle from their waffle maker, her ex grabbed his plate and sat down to start eating.  For some reason it jolted her that he just started without her.  The waffle wouldn't have taken that long.  Then she realized he had always done this.  Her heart sank.  She tried to push her feelings aside.

As they drove to wedding, they talked about how soon it was after his best friend's death that his wife was remarrying.  They made themselves sad thinking about his death on the way there, and how hard it was going to be.  They cried in the car together.  They questioned why they had even felt compelled to go.

As they entered the venue, the bride was talking to someone, distracted.  She looked over and saw her first.  The bride realized that it meant the ex was there, and she lit up like starlight and rushed over to him, hugging him.  The bride was cool to her, but was good about hiding it.  Obviously she was mad at her for breaking the ex's heart.

She suddenly wanted to wait out the whole thing in the car.

The feeling only grew as her ex walked around not introducing her to anyone he spoke with.  This was usual for him, but usually she had the confidence to intercede on her own behalf and introduce herself.  She no longer had that confidence.  What would she do, introduce herself as the ex-wife?  She just stood behind him awkwardly as he had conversations.  She was dejected, downtrodden, low on confidence.  She wasn't used to this feeling of inadequacy.

The ceremony started, and it was harder than she ever anticipated it being.  She looked over at her ex, and he was also having a hard time.  Everytime they spoke of everlasting love, and made vows to each other...vows that she had spoke and now broken....the guilt of it all overtook her.  She couldn't stop crying.  Her ex couldn't stop crying.  They held hands for a short time after the ceremony was over, then chided each other to "get it together."

The bride's mother snapped a photo of them right after they stopped crying.  It was sure to be both of them looking a hot mess.

There was a bad storm coming, so they left a short time afterwards.  She fell asleep shortly after getting in the car, she had been emotionally drained.  She woke a half hour later, and they were barely out of the city.

Despite driving hours out of their way to avoid the storm, it caught up with them.  What followed was hours of nail biting driving, punctuated with the "Ethel Merman Sings the Everything" road game.

Once they got back to the house, they shared a long hug goodbye.  He said he was glad that she had joined him, even though it had been hard.

She didn't get home and asleep until 1 in the morning.  She had to be up in 5 hours to go to work.

Even though it would only be 3 days, it was going to be a long week.

Monday, November 28, 2016

What a Beautiful Wedding Part 1

The dreaded trip had finally arrived.  It started off fine, with them playing their favorite car game of saying who in their friend group they would sleep with, which was something they did when they were together as well so it was harmless.  Traffic and going around some bad weather set the 6 hour drive back 2 more hours.

"How is school?" She asked him.  She knew concentrating on schoolwork had always been hard for him, even though he was smart.

"I'm doing pretty well actually.  There is this class where we have to do a lot of writing, and most of the other students are writers.  When the teacher hands back the papers, they are just dripping with red.  Mine have red on them too, but not as much.  The other students get more than me,'s a really hard class.  It made me appreciate writing more. I should have encouraged your writing more."

She took a deep breath, and her eyes filled with tears.  "Maybe" she answered, but in her head she thought that seeing as how the first guy to take an interest in her writing she let sleep with her, he might have been onto something.

They talked a bit about their relationship.  He confided that he thought he was giving her space at her mom's, and she said it wasn't just about her mom's place, but before when he would not watch TV or spend any time with her, for years.  He just buried his head in the sand.  He was quiet for awhile.  She was sad, as he still didn't really get the extent of her pain.  Never apologized.

They finally arrived at the hotel.  She held her breath a little as he opened the door, and exhaled when she saw two beds.  She wasn't sure why she was so filled with relief, even when they were married they got separate beds because he was too tall to share a bed.

"Where in town is the wedding venue?" She asked as she dumped her suitcase on the bed closest to the door.

"You know, I don't know.  Let me take a look."  He said, picking up his phone.  His disappointed sigh followed, and she asked again where it was.

He hadn't paid attention, and since she was just along for the ride she didn't ask until then.  When they were together she did all the planning, as he was no good at it and it was half the fun for her.

The wedding wasn't in town.  It was 2 hours away.  They had just driven 8 hours only to have to wake up in 6 hours to drive another two. 

It was going to be a long trip.

Friday, November 18, 2016


She came across Piz's text messages, and on a whim went back through their entire text history. 

It was a mistake.

There were only two of note, the rest were all working out the specifics of getting together.

"I know.  I miss you too.😊"


"I had fun last night.  You're a good kisser 😃"

When she looked at the texts, it all ended so abruptly.  She forgot how often they spoke on the phone, or just spent time in person together. 

She wondered where it all went wrong.

Thursday, November 17, 2016


The elevator doors slide open and the solider stepped on with his child.  It was very early in the morning, the sun barely over the horizon.  The child was asleep in his father's arms, still clutching his toy car tightly.

She found it amazing that even in a deep sleep, a child was able to hold so steadfastly to his plaything, likely his favorite.

She suddenly flashed to Piz, and how even when he was sleeping he would reach out for her, hold her.  Snuggle into her neck, all unconsciously.  She missed that...maybe not him so much.  She was starting to become one of those dumb girls who would go to a concert and cry because her ex-boyfriend used to be a drummer.

Her boss told her a story about how the other night his wife was making dinner and they had forgotten an ingredient to the dish.  He said that he would run out and get it, and a minute later asked her "Are you coming?" because they did everything together.  She felt a pang in her chest because she had never had that.

She realized that she had missed out on the domesticity of it all in her relationships.  She and the ex had always just split chores, or he put them off until she just did them because she was tired of seeing it not done.  In fact, in remembering it, there was an element of "just go away and let me do it" when she suggested that they do things together.

She was dreading this upcoming trip with him.  Even though it would be less than 48 hours together, a majority would be in the car talking.  She knew she was bound to cry most of the way.  She was developing too many triggers...literally everything hurt.

At the very least, at least she and KSL's friendship seemed to be fully back on track.  She no longer felt any kind of romantic feelings towards him, so in that regard at least Piz had fulfilled his purpose.

After a late night movie, KSL made mention of how he slept with a full body pillow because he "doesn't sleep alone well."  It had been the third or fourth time he had thrown that tidbit of information out to her.  It was almost like he was asking for she bit.

"So, if you don't sleep well without come after all the times we had late nights together you never stayed over?"  She asked.

"Honestly, I didn't want you catching feels.  Plus we could barely fuck on that thing, it's too small for both of us to sleep on."  He said this as he hopped out of the car to check his mail.  She howled with laughter.  She thought to herself "The best way to not catch feels is to not fuck.  Silly boy."

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Be Afraid To Lose Me

"You should be alone for awhile."

"This would be a good chance for some alone time for you.  You should concentrate on yourself."

It was coming at her from every angle.  She felt doomed to be alone forever.

"You aren't meant to be alone." Said everyone of those people that told her it was good to be alone for awhile.

So which was it?

"I miss it.  The romance of it." She said to KSL one night as she was driving him to rehearsal.

"I know what you mean.  I miss having someone to go home too that asked how my day was and meant it.  Someone who gave a fuck about me.  I mean, I know I have friends that care, but it's not really the same."  He responded.

"I miss the physical of it.  The feeling that someone desires you.  Physically reaches out.  Not in a sexual way per se, but just holding hands or cuddling on the couch as you watch a movie.  You can feel their eyes on you, adoring you for who you are.  You know what I'm talking about?"  She glanced over, as he had been uncharacteristically quiet.

"I get it.  I know what you are talking about.  It's hard, man.  Being alone is a real bitch sometimes."

"Yeah.  I'm not digging it."

"Hey, you got some from marathon man for awhile there though.  Had some great sex, way better than what we had."

"Stop it.  The only difference between you and him was that he actually had feelings for me, which made it mean a lot more.  Just means he hurt me more, because I stupidly let him in...He should've been afraid to lose me, not let me go."

He was quiet again.  Unlike the night before, when she had given him a ride and he had told his lame dad jokes at high volume, and freaked her out when she tried to back her car out of her tight spot in-between two SUVs.  She went to smack his leg and, according to him, hit the tip of his penis instead.

"I'm sorry!  You scared me!"  He seemed to lighten up from the blow pretty quickly.

Now he was quiet, pensive.  Unlike him completely.  She'd already asked how his day had gone twice, so she didn't press again.  Whatever it was, he would tell her whenever he was ready.

"The ex said he did want me to go to that wedding, so that should be fun.  Wonder how that sleeping arrangement is going to work out."  She mused.

"He'll be a gentleman, he'll take the floor." KSL said.  "No he won't," she retorted "He would always take the bed because he was taller and needed it more than I did.  Nothing will happen even if we sleep in the same bed.  If he was going to try something or fight for me he would have done it already."

KSL hugged her tighter and for a longer time when she dropped him off.  "I've been dying for more of that coffee we had at the capitol.  I'm off on Monday if you want to go get some more."

She told him she was down for it.

"And didn't you mention our favorite portable beverages soon?" He asked.

"Those are always in the back of my mind." She smiled.

Tuesday, November 15, 2016


She got home from her day with KSL feeling a weight had been lifted.  She looked around her apartment, landing on her messy bed.

She needed to take that bed back to being just hers instead of one she shared with various men that felt nothing for her.  Or, maybe felt too much for her.

It was her bed.

She started several loads of laundry, determined to cleanse her entire apartment until it was hers again.  She stripped the bed, the spare towel he had used.  The bras he had taken off of her went directly into the laundry basket.  She wanted everything cleansed.  Disinfected.  Had she been rich, she would have just bought a brand new bed.

It felt good as she put away all the towels and laundry, and made her bed perfectly.  She even febreezed her couch so that ever single smell was gone from her studio.  It was finally her space again.  She swept and mopped and felt better with every sweep.  His hair was everywhere, even behind the door in the bathroom.

She baked the mac n cheese KSL had given her, and felt almost domestic doing it.

Before she even had time to sit back and admire her work, her old-timey car horn of a doorbell rang.  Followed immediately by a knock.  Then right afterwards another doorbell ring.

It was Goldie and SD, wanting to go out to the buffet.  Even though she was full on mac, she changed and went out with them.

It was good to be back to being with the girls and not having to worry about romantic relationships.  It was time to focus on herself and what made her happy.  She threw too much of herself into other people, and it was time to start being a little selfish.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Getting Back on Track Part 3

" I end up going to an AMC to see Jurassic Park 3 after my grandfather's funeral.  Two disappointments in one day."  He finished his story.

"Gosh I hate funerals.  I always get this feeling that like, anything I do afterwards is being disrespectful.  Movies, Retirement parties..."

"Sex?"  She didn't need to look over to see one of his sideways glances with a grin.

"Actually, I think that's a normal thing to do.  I know it wasn't really the right thing for us to do felt right, you know?  I felt better."  She strangely didn't feel vunerable admitting it.  She took what she wanted.  She knew he had needed it too.

He didn't hesitate to admit it.  In fact, he sung her praises a bit, telling her that he was a willing partner, and it had been super hot.  They laughed over him still going after he had finished, because he felt the need to compete with Piz, the marathon man.

"So....and I don't want you to take offense to this, and don't think I'm blaming you or that I didn't want it or anything.  But...I don't think I was sober enough to consent to all that."

He was taken aback, and said " mean, you were game.  You were the one pushing it."

"I was making out with you yes, but I wasn't taking my own clothes off.  You were the one making all the rules about taking your jacket off, and I took it off after your time was up.  I'm not claiming that I was innocent in all this at all, but honestly...I was too drunk to actually say yes to actual sex.  It was hot and I don't regret a second of it, but I never actually said let's have sex."

She let the silence sit for awhile, and she could feel that he did understand what she was trying to say.  She glanced over and he gave a small nod.  She lightened the mood.

"Speaking of our hot sex, what are you doing to me?  Like, are you biting my arm?  Because it looks like bite marks.  You are like a super sexy wild animal."

He laughed and said he really didn't think that he was biting that hard, but he was biting.  They laughed and talked more about how crazy sexy that night had been, but with an ease that had never been there before.  Maybe it was her testosterone, but she felt way more in control and over any romantic feelings she had for him.

"I know I said this during, when I was super drunk, but I do miss this.  I miss our friendship a lot.  It was a good day."

"It really was.  I had a lot of fun today.  I missed it too."

When they got back to his house they watched some SNL instead of the movie, and near the end his roommate came back home.  She did her best to ignore them as she stomped past into her room.  She looked over at him and smiled, but he wasn't amused.  He went into his room and got ready for his callbacks early.  She told him that she would drive him downtown, and he gave her the mac n cheese he had made.  She thanked him, thrilled that she didn't have to go grocery shopping for crappy food.

She dropped him at the bank downtown, he said he would walk to rehearsals from there.  He thanked her for the day out, and she thanked him for the food and the company.  She saw out of the corner of her eye his arm reach out, and she instinctively looked around for what he was grabbing for.  A split second later she realized that he was going in for a hug.  They did the awkard car side hug, and he hopped. out.

As she ate the mac n cheese later, she texted him that it came out great and was really tasty.  She thanked him again for the friend day.  He texted back welcome, and then said that the roommate was already eating the TimTams.  "Blaming it on her period, haha" he said.

She smirked and had a second helping of mac n cheese.

Friday, November 11, 2016

Getting Back on Track Part 2

"Hey Penny! Heeeeeeeeeeey!  Hey Penny!" he stage yelled jovially.  "Whhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaat?" She yelled back, imitating him.  What followed was several dad jokes that he had hilariously committed to memory.

"So, I did a dumb thing the other day."  She started.

"Ahhhh man, I had one more joke." He pouted.  She sighed.  "Tell your joke."

"No, tell me about the stupid thing you did."

"I offered to go with the ex to a wedding next weekend."

"That is stupid.  That's almost as stupid as asking my ex to go to the awards show with me.  She went back and forth on it for awhile but she went.  It was nice actually, it didn't end up being weird at all.  I thought it would be."  He mused.

"Why do we do this to ourselves?  We don't want them back.  They hurt us.  Why do we feel the need to reach out again?"  She asked.

"Because we are hopeless romantics with a martyr complex." He said.  He might be right.

After picking up the coffee they went to Costco to do some big box shopping.  He made fun of her as only he could after she got cranky not finding what she was looking for.  "We did not drive all the way to the capitol for you to get some burrito bowls, we are finding this shit.  What else are you looking for?"

"Razors.  I've decided I'm just buying the cheaper guy's razors, it's a racket." They walked around, and she suddenly flashed back to that night and realized she had not "woman-scaped" enough for an intimate encounter that night.  He immediately noticed her change in thought and asked.  She told him.

"Don't worry about it.  I've dived into deeper jungles than that."  She wrinkled her nose and said "Yeah, well...I didn't expect you to be diving into anything that night.  At all."  It was weird how she felt more grossed out thinking about hairy vaginas than she did thinking that his tongue had been in them, and then her.  Her feelings for him really felt gone.  She looked at him and didn't feel an ounce of romantic spark or electricity.

They wandered into the movie section, a dire mistake for them both.  They found several movies that seemed to be available for a limited time, childhood favorites.  He ended up with 5 or 6, and said that he would give her the DVD copies of the Blu Rays.  She paid for two of them, told him it was his late birthday present.  He thanked her, and she felt that kinship coming back.  It felt good.

They decided to head back home and watch one of the recently purchased movies.

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Getting Back on Track Part 1

She woke up that morning and knew immediately that the estrogen was finally done raging through her body.  Instead of being sad and weepy about her situation, and about Piz, she was angry.  Angry and over it.  He obviously hadn't been ready for a relationship from the start, as she said, and he's stupid.  The sex was great, but it was over and that was fine.  She was too good for him, and she was totally okay with it.

It might have been the testosterone that spilled over counterbalancing the estrogen.

Despite the 'roid rage, she was also still a little lonely and vulnerable that day.  She asked several people to adventure with her to the capitol for coffee, no one was available.  She messaged KSL, since she asked him to come along last week before realizing the weather was too bad to trek over.  After her rehearsal was canceled, it seemed they had the whole day to adventure.

He got in the car, and it was easy, no awkwardness.  He launched right into a hilarious story about his punk roommate and how they were shopping at the store and she got angry because he had finished some TimTams that she told him to finish.  Then she got more angry that he bought her a whole new bag, citing she was starting a diet and didn't need them.

"Speaking of food," he said "I made a spare mac n cheese dish that's really good if you want it.  Just return my cookware of course, that shit was expensive."

Her upbringing and pride made her hesitate.  For some reason she was just always taught that you never accepted charity, it was polite to not take anything from anyone, even when offered.  However, he had offered, and it would save her a lot of money on food that week.  It sounded really good.

"You know, I should say no, but that sounds amazing.  If you mean it I'd love to have it."

Briefly, she wondered if it was a ploy for her affections, as he knew Acts of Service was her love language...but he was just being a friend.  A good friend.  She missed that.

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Estrogen Ellen

As the estrogen from the last of the birth control pills coursed through her body, she started thinking a lot about the end of her marriage.

She really missed him, missed their inside jokes.  She read through the marriage tag on the blog to remind herself of just how bad it had been.  Although it had been bad, she missed what they had together.

She was down to the last bit of cereal in her box, and was careful not to get the powder into the last bowl.

She failed.  The powder went into her cereal, and it was like her whole life fell apart.  She could almost feel the estrogen coming off her in waves as she sat on the floor and sobbed.

Her whole life was falling apart.  Her job was on the verge of ending, No one wanted her in a relationship, No one appreciated her for who she was.  She was always giving 100% and getting 0% in return from everyone.  No one gave her the credit she deserved.

And she needed to get her shit together, or she was going to be late for work.  She tried to calm down, dabbed at the tears so as not to ruin the makeup she had just put on, and cried all the way to work.

She parked her car, gave herself a little slap on the face, and rallied to go inside.

Later on in the day she would describe the event to her office manager, and they howled with laughter, so hard she started crying again at the absurdity of her off the charts hormone changes.

She hoped that it had finally broke and she was leveling out.  She couldn't take much more.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016


"So, it's been two weeks.  I miss talking to you, and you don't seem the type to ghost, so I thought I'd reach out and see if you were still thinking about everything."

She had blown through all her emotions.  She needed her closure.  She was fully aware that after two weeks he wasn't going to go running back into her arms.  She just wanted it done.

She just wanted him to say it.  Just like she needed him to say it to start it.

An hour and a half passed, and she got a response.

"Hi Penny, I'm really sorry I haven't contacted you.  I feel like a real asshole about it and I'm sure you agree.  Look, I think you're smart, you're pretty, you're cool and you're really sweet but I don't want to be in a relationship right now.  I've realized in the last couple weeks that I don't even want to date right now."

She smirked at this, as she had rejoined the dating site that day and checked his profile.  He had been online at 8AM that day.  Looks like he still didn't understand that being on that site meant that people assumed that was what he was looking for.  She continued to read.

"I'm too busy with school and I'm leaving in a few months and it's best for me if I don't get attached to anyone.  I feel terrible about it, I feel like I led you on but I'm really happy about the time we spent together and it was great getting to know you.  If you want to be friends we can still be friends but I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with you anymore."

She got a phone call and didn't end up responding to him for an hour.

"Thank you for responding and giving me some closure.  I can't disagree that I was led on by you, but I always had a feeling about it, which is why I tried to end the romantic aspect of it.  I'm sorry if you felt like I was forcing you into a relationship that night, I was just trying to understand what you were looking for.  I will always be your friend if you want me to be.  But I don't want to be anywhere I'm not wanted."

He didn't respond.  He didn't need to.

Monday, November 7, 2016

You Think It's Really Over This Time?

She shouldn't feel this way.  It wasn't even really a break up...they were never really together.  Piz had ended up being just as bad, if not worse, than KSL.

How could her heart get trampled on three times this year when she'd only been in one real relationship?

She'd been thinking about her ex a lot.  Wondering if she had some sort of chemical imbalance and really things hadn't been all that bad.  She still loved him.  She'd always love him.  When she sat and talked with him last weekend she realized it.  She'd always care about him.  But she knew that she had broken it.  Broken him.  It would never be the same.

They were trying to be friends again.  He had said that he wanted to sign the papers and get it over with so they could go back to being best friends.  That had been healing to hear.

They were talking about another couple and she mentioned how she would never change her relationship status on Facebook without giving him a head's up first, as a courtesy.

"You wouldn't need to do that."  He said.

"But, I would." She replied.  "Not that it'll be changing anytime soon.  But I would."

Then she suddenly wondered if he had already started dating someone else.  She put it out of her mind immediately.  He was working crazy hours, he didn't have the time.

Or did he?

She was having more retrospectives.  It was amazing, all the little adjustments she had made to let Piz into her life.  Her earplugs still sat on her bedside table due to his adorable snoring.  She would lay in her bed and imagine his arms grabbing for her, enveloping her.  Not letting her go the whole night.  The way he would squeeze her and say he never wanted to stop, he wanted to never let her go.  He would grab the sides of her face, stare deep into her eyes, and say "You are just so cute!"

What happened?  How did she go from being cute, irresistible, and someone he could have sex with 3 times a nothing?  What was wrong with him?  She had been SO chill and understanding...had she been TOO understanding?  KSL had said that once, she was too accessible.  But he had also said once she was closed off.  Which was it?

She was still emotionally messed up from starting on the new pill.  She could feel that it was causing her major depression.  She had lashed out at Goldie, and had to apologize the next day.  She had finally come out of the depression, she knew the difference now.  She knew she was despondent, and it wasn't just the ghosting of Piz.  It was all the evil estrogen flowing through her veins.

"I guarantee you're on Piz's mind daily.  He just doesn't know what to do about it."  Dawn said.  It sounded comforting.  She told Dawn she felt like one of those women with hysteria in the 1940's.  If she saw him on the street she would slap him, then kiss him.

Friday, November 4, 2016

Standing Up to Sit Down

She made a last minute decision to shirk her responsibilities at the Improv show and go to see a stand up comedian that was in town with MG.  There was no food in her house, so she had a glass of wine instead.  Drinking to forget was kind of becoming her thing for the week.

She spilled what had happened to MG, who seemed too wrapped up in her own excitement over the comedian to really focus.  She felt more alone than ever before, and wondered what had really gone wrong for her.

She put on her mask of happiness, and spent the evening being nice, listening to MG, laughing a little too hard at the stand up acts, and drinking.  Before the night was over, she was very buzzed, and still putting on a brave face.

She wondered how long much longer she would have to do that.

Thursday, November 3, 2016

The Wrong Kind of Milestone

Exactly a week since it happened.  She had told him he could take a week if he needed to, which meant that after tonight, it really was going to feel like he was not going to contact her again.

She tried to shop for food, but didn't have any appetite. She knew there was nothing at home, but ended up just spending $30 on booze rather than spend money on dinner.

It was a Friday night.  Her last for awhile since her play was starting next week.  Maybe she should have reached out to Dawn or someone for support...but she didn't.  She was lonely, but maybe needed more alone time.

It was the 8th day of her period.  She wondered if her depression was just period emotions.  It had been painful for the full 8 days, but suddenly it turned into a Quentin Tarantino movie.  Her brand new jeans were drenched in blood by the time she got home.  An "8 hour" pad lasted her 2 hours...twice.

"If I die, go on Oprah and tell the world I loved puppies." she joked to KSL.  He laughed.

She wished that something would happen.  She wasn't depressed, didn't really want to die...but if it happened, it happened.  She wasn't afraid of it.

What a terrible place to be.  Depressed but realistic.  Heartbroken but realistic.

Sometimes she wish she could be fully romantic.  Fully depressed.  Fully heartbroken.  Lose herself in the emotion, let go.


Let herself feel everything.

She couldn't do it.  The strong people didn't get weak moments.

She hadn't spoken to Dawn since Sunday.  She had spilled about her weekend and said "We'll get together soon though.  I just don't know when that'll be."

Dawn never asked about how it went...maybe she never really cared.  Dawn had her own issues to deal with...she didn't have the space to care about hers too.

No one did.

She really needed to get used to being alone.  It was the only way she was going to survive.

Wednesday, November 2, 2016


She had a good feeling she was going to be ghosted by Piz.  It was the middle of the week and she hadn't heard a peep from him.  She had deleted her dating profile so she couldn't check and see if he was still checking it.  She knew he was though.  A few times he had popped up on her Facebook sidebar, liking a status or two.  She shared everything that she had been doing that week with gusto.  She wanted to make sure he knew she wasn't sitting around pining away for him.

Of course, that's all she really wanted to be doing.  She wanted to have time to get over it.  But instead she was early voting, having dinner with friends, and going to see a show.  In-between, she was trying to control the near-constant panic attack.  She drank shots of lemon juice to shock her system into somehow stopping freaking out.

She hated being HSP and yet totally logical.  She had gone her whole life without Piz, it would be effortless to continue on without him.  She had seen things in him that had made it clear that they wouldn't last anyway.  His teeth were funny.  His open mouthed smile was sometimes disconcerning. It showed his uncertainties, his weakness. He wasn't, in the end, going to be strong enough for her.  He was too similar to her ex in that sense.  It would have never lasted.

And yet, he made her feel alive when they were together.  He was so passionate, he kissed her like he was getting oxygen from her.  Like his life depended upon the next kiss.  She could get drunk on his attention.

He had noticed her birthmark on her shoulder one night, had called it an arrowhead shape.  He traced it with his fingers the way she traced the turtle tattoo on his arm earlier that same night.  She was obsessed with his adorable sailor tattoos and thought the meaning behind each was great.  She asked one night if the turtle had a name.  He said that he didn't, but she could name him.  Since he was right below his "Rebel Scum" tattoo, she named him Luke.

Whenever she had gotten up in the middle of the night and gotten back into bed, if he was awake or asleep, he'd always take her into his arms.  He had made her heart melt.  Then harden.  She felt like a half-melted chocolate that someone had thrown in the freezer for later.  She would never be the same shape.

By Thursday she was still sad, but had calmed down.  No more panic attacks.  No more drinking to forget.  Just sad acceptance that she would never hear from him again.  She finally had space to decompress and breathe.

The dumb girl part of her brain kept saying "Maybe he'll call...maybe he will come to his senses."

The logical girl part said "Even if he did...would you even want him back?"

She had no idea.  She almost wished she never had to make that choice.

Tuesday, November 1, 2016


She was spiraling.  She had finally started to feel and overthink what had happened, and she was furious.

She was mad at herself for making it seem so easy for him, putting the ball in his court.  She should have just said what she wanted.  She should have said "Stop worrying, lets have fun and in March I don't want to hear from you again."

She was mad for not making him feel bad about his dating profile.  He was leading people on by having it at all.  It was bullshit.  If he really wanted to keep it he should have changed it to "looking for friends" and called it a day.

She was mad at herself that she had sex with him when clearly she saw this as a possibility for happening.  She almost knew it in the moment, knew that when he said "It's just you and me until March" that he wasn't thinking about it.  Ugh, men were stupid.

Why did this always happen?  Why did no man want to stay with her long term except her ex, who was really just coexisting and not being together.  What was wrong with them?  She was a catch.  There is literally no reason why someone wouldn't want to be with her.  She was fun, had a sense of humor, smart.  Maybe these guys just weren't that smart.

Maybe she was too intense.  She came on too strong, seemed too free.  Maybe it was the opposite, she came off too aloof, distant, always holding everyone at arm's length.

She just wanted to be alone.  Be depressed about it, and watch sad movies and listen to sad songs. 

She hated everyone and everything and didn't want to deal with anyone's shit anymore.

She was spiraling.

She didn't have the space to be anti-social right now.  She had agreed to help at the Improv show that Saturday.  There was a guy on the dating site that had been bugging her to meet, and she said she would comp him a ticket to the show just to shut him up.  He wouldn't stop with the small talk, and she had actually told him that it was killing her soul to keep small talking with him.  He was still not to be deterred.  He had really bad timing.

She didn't recognize him at all when he came up to her box office.  This was the closest she had come to being catfished.  He looked like he had taken all of his photos before trying meth.  He looked like white trash.  She was so turned off she could barely look at him.  She avoided him the rest of the night, even though every time she did look in his direction, he was staring at her.

She went straight home after the show, and a message popped up from the guy.

"By the have a great smile."

She snapped and deleted her account.  She was done with it all.