Friday, December 23, 2016

Baby, It's Cold Outside Part 2

"I have some new stand up that isn't Patton Oswalt!" He exclaimed, then set up his phone.  They listened and snuggled, occasionally stopping the recording to relay their own stories to the topic.  It was nice and comfortable until she started getting cold despite her heat being on.

She grabbed and turned on her electric blanket, and KSL grabbed for half.  They snuggled under the blanket and watched the moon rise, laughing along with the stand up so hard their cheeks started to hurt.  He was being very playful, very physical with her.  He started reaching to boop her nose, and old game they shared.  She resisted, and playfully bit his arm that was holding hers down.

"Hey, no biting, you know what that does to me!" He exclaimed.

"Do I?  What does it do?" She asked innocently.

"Stop it, you know how much that turns me on."  He shot her a sideways smile while still holding down her arms.  She couldn't help pushing her luck.

"I thought that was just your earlobes.  I had no idea it was everywhere!  Is it here too?" She asked, going for his neck.  He protested and they wrestled with each other a little while longer.  He eventually let her go but kept teasing her with his words.

She grabbed his face and started kissing him.  He said in-between kisses "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Shutting you up.  This is the only way I know that works."

There was no hesitation from him.  He jumped into grabbing and biting, commenting "It's winter, no one will see them." Then biting her on her neck.  She yelped and pushed him a little, saying "Watch it, I don't own a turtleneck!"

He smiled devilishly and bit her shoulder.  She responded by biting his neck hard, then giving him a huge raspberry on his stomach. They both laughed and joked as they moved to the bed to continue to fool around.  He kept asking if she was okay, all the while pushing a little farther but keeping his own pants on.  "I'm just respecting this 'No Dick December' thing you've got going."

Eventually she caved.  "Alright, I give up.  Let's have sex.  Go get the condom."

He was hurt, saying "Wow.  Way to make a guy feel special.  I mean, I really am in the mood now that you are begrudgingly having sex with me."

She grabbed his face and started kissing him, again shutting him up.  The rest of their clothes came off easily, and after 3 or 4 positions, they collapsed on the bed, her head on his chest.  They talked some more, laughing about his excessive sweaty-ness on her clean bed.

"Maybe I'm just weird about the sleeping over thing." He said.  "I just feel like sleeping over is making it more serious or something."

"Yeah...well I can't speak for anyone else, but I think sleeping is just sleeping.  And, judging by our issues with sleeping alone...I think it might be helpful to us."

He turned slightly towards her, while still stroking her back lovingly and spoke into her hair "You too?"

"Yeah...I blame this stupid pillow.  A couple of weeks ago I reached out for it, and it felt like Piz's chest.  For a second I couldn't figure out why he wasn't reaching out for me, like he always did, even when he was asleep.  I haven't been able to sleep through the night since."

He remained silent.  She let the silence envelope them, then realized he might be falling asleep.  She raised her head to look at his face.

"KSL?" She whispered.

He mumbled a sleepy "Uh huh?"

"What are you doing?"

"Shhh.  Resting."  He pulled her gently to his side, and slowly he stopped stroking, leaving his fingers resting on the small of her back

Soon he was snoring loudly.

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Baby, It's Cold Outside Part 1

It really was below freezing.  She walked back from rehearsal to her studio, her face slowly losing circulation.  Before putting on her gloves she called back KSL.  They were supposed to meet up and he'd called her during rehearsal.

He didn't answer, and she suddenly realized for the first time she was hearing his voicemail message.  It was...ramblely.  He said the same thing twice or three times, and it lasted far too long.  As a performer she was shocked he didn't write it out and record it, like she had with her own.  She shrugged, commented on his extended message with her own voicemail, and said to call her.  Instead he texted her back that he was still walking home from work.  "Want to meet up somewhere?" She asked.

He was broke from buying his new car.  She said that she didn't have much to drink at her house but he was welcome to come over.  She was hoping for a gift exchange, a drink, and goodnight.  Looks like she was in for a longer evening if he was coming over.

She wasn't wrong.

He was unusually jovial as soon as he walked in the door, giving her a great big hug and asking how she was.  She said she was fine, work and rehearsal were just stressing her out.  He said he had to use her bathroom really quickly and then he'd be back.  He took off his jacket, hat, and backpack and threw them on her bed.

He returned and said "Okay, now a proper hug." and embraced her for longer.  She tried not to relax into it.  She had been so lonely, she really needed to watch herself tonight.

They caught up on each other's lives, she told him about a new play she'd read and wanted to direct.  She let him try her new tequila, and when he didn't like it she finished the shot.

She motioned to the present on the table and told him to open it.  It was two books he had put back while they were at the book store the other day.  He was so overcome with emotion that she almost thought he was being facetious, but she realized he was genuinely moved.  He pulled her into another hug, and she got uncomfortable.  She was so unused to someone being appreciative of her actions.

"Honestly, it's no big deal."  She said, trying to diffuse his emotion.  He wouldn't let it go.  "No, this was like, seriously amazing.  Like, it's just so thoughtful of you, it's amazing."

She wondered if he wasn't used to this kind of kindness as well, or if "Receiving Gifts" was high up on his Love Languages.  Either way, it eventually made her happy that he was so moved by her small gift to him.  They talked about the books for a little while, and she told him to look inside.  She had written in each one an old school "This book belongs to" with his name and a snarky saying about not returning them to him.

"Now that makes them irreplaceable." He said.

Monday, December 19, 2016


They guy she had been messaging on the dating site previously asked her out for a drink after a long day of talking.  For some reason their earlier chat from before she deleted was gone, so she had to go on her existing chat with him.

They decided to meet at a bar...of course it ended up being the same bar she had visited with Piz and KSL that ended in a make out session.  She deliberately plopped down at the bar, made it clear she wasn't moving, and he came in shortly afterwards.

What followed was a couple of hours of nice conversation, he even made fun of her a little.  About halfway through the date she got a text message from Dawn asking who this guy was.  A mutual friend of theirs had gotten in trouble last week, and she was worried.

It was then that she realized...she didn't remember this guy's name.  At all.  It wasn't on his dating profile that she checked later, and it must have been in the earlier messages that got erased.  Maybe it wasn't.

Maybe he saw her text message and realized that she was a garbage person for not remembering his name.

Maybe that's why 3 days later, without a word, he deleted his online dating profile, and thus any form of communication they had between each other.

She was going to try not to take it personally.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Desperately Seeking Validation

She had a chocolate bar in her fridge for weeks, left behind from a KSL trip to the capitol for coffee.  She didn't feel like eating it.  It struck her as very unusual that she didn't want chocolate.

The feeling was desolation.  She had no romantic prospects and woke up thinking about Piz every night, in the middle of the night.  She would cuddle with the pillow he used to get back to sleep.  She still couldn't figure out if she missed him, or the idea of him.

She couldn't figure out what kept drawing her to online dating.  She didn't find anything great last time, why try again?  She asked BFF which escalated into a fight that she shot down everything that BFF suggested that she do.  She was just trying to have a conversation, and there were so many other things she was angry at her about that she just gave up instead of fight.

This wasn't like her.  This was another, deeper level of depression.  She didn't even want to drink.

She had decided to spend time with her mom earlier in the week.  Her mom had asked her, several times, if it was really over between her and her ex.

" you think that's what I deserve?  Do you think I deserve to stay with a man who doesn't love me?  You think I'm making a mistake?"  She had to ask this several times before demanding a yes or no answer.

"Well, I mean, I guess no." She finally answered.

She told KSL about it later.  "I just kinda need someone, but my mom especially, to be adamant about my worth.  I let this happen for a really long time because I thought I didn't deserve better.  And I waffle on that everyday, thinking I'm not good enough.  And it's just so easy to slip.  So easy to go from being okay with myself and being confident to thinking; if my mom doesn't think I'm good enough, why am I using up all this air?"

He messaged back "Stahp.  You are worthy.  You deserve love.  You are right to want someone who wants you.  Truly."

It made her feel a little better, but she was still just sort of devoid of emotion.  She got a surprise call from PJ on her way to rehearsal and gave him a lowdown of the feelings, and also added that she had decided to go for online dating again.  After a few hours of being back she had a message from a guy she was talking to previously, and a guy wanting to pay her to talk about farts.  It was just freaking fantastic to be back.

"I don't even understand why I'm doing it.  Validation I guess, like I need someone to pay attention to me, which is lame and silly.  I just feel like I'm so much better than this, I deserve better."

PJ was quick to respond, "Hey, it's me you're talking to, you don't need to make excuses for your feelings.  It's funny, I feel that way about work sometimes, that I shouldn't be working at a warehouse, I'm smarter than all of it.  And maybe that's it for you, maybe because you aren't getting the validation you need at work or have a significant other to turn to, it just ups the lonely factor.  I don't think you are doing anything wrong."

That almost brought her out of her malaise.

Wednesday, December 7, 2016

Sick Day

She was beginning to wonder if doing anything physical with KSL brought down her immune system so drastically that she became sick.

She had some sort of sickness again.  Strep it wasn't, but her body aches and sore throat were getting out of hand.  Her doctor wasn't available so she again went to Urgent Care.

She got the same doctor as last time, and the doctor was very concerned about her.  "Your uvula is like, touching your right tonsil.  It's that swollen.  It's insane."

"I'm a medical marvel for sure."

The doctor actually did a test this time, for strep, the flu (even though she'd had the shot, it takes 2 weeks to work through the body), and some other illnesses. The test for strep A and the flu came back negative, the rest would need to be sent out.  In the meantime she set her up with another round of antibiotics, and instructions to skip work the next day.

She got her medication and went home, skipping rehearsal that night and the next.  They advanced her a sick day for work.  She slept in the next morning and awoke to stomach troubles associated with getting her period the day before.  Her stomach sounded like a thunderstorm.  Or a volcano about to erupt.

She was in her bathroom for what felt like the whole morning.  She even took a long call from Mo while in the bathroom.  Once the grumbles and the cramps had subsided, she finally stood up and went to flush.  Nothing happened.

She walked out to the hall to look on the door, and there it was; water was to be shut off for the next two hours.  How kind of them to give her advanced notice.

Her stomach started up again, and she went to the main floor to go to the gym bathroom.  She just sat down when there was a knock at the door.  "Maintenance!"

Of course now is when they would clean the bathrooms.  Couldn't think of a better time.

She went back up to her studio and moaned her way through the next two hours, watching tons of movies on HBO.  She really wished she felt better on a sick day so she could get more done.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Driven by Selfish Guilt

"What are you doing this weekend?  Tomorrow?" her ex asked her.  A feeling of dread overcame her.  Why would he want to keep hanging with her?

"Umm, tomorrow I have yoga and then I'm hanging with Dawn.  Sunday I have something I think, I'll have to look."  She made her escape as KSL was waiting in the car.

Later, when she had time to think about it, she panicked.  She had to fill her weekend so that she didn't have to spend time with him.

"Having a crisis of conscience.  I just talked to my friend Mo and he said I'm being stupid about trying to get out of time with the ex, that I don't owe him anything and I've spent enough time with him.  I can't bring myself to tell the ex that.  I don't know what to do.  Advise?  Opinion?" She texted KSL later that night.

"I mean, he's not wrong." He responded.

"I know, that's why it's hard." She texted.

"Wah wah" He snarked back.

"That's not helping."

"Sorry.  But seriously though, you don't owe him anything."

"I know, I just don't want to hurt him.  It's breaking my heart seeing him hurt by me, that's why I don't want to see him.  The guilt.  Which is selfish of me."

"Welcome to my life.  Driven by selfish guilt."

"I do NOT want your life."

She posed the same question to Dawn.  Her response was "You definitely don't owe him time.  You just saw him yesterday and went in a disastrous road trip last weekend.  Having forced time time apart will help him detach from you."

That was an angle she could get behind.

Friday, December 2, 2016

The Wasted Afternoon

Her vacation was leaving her with too much free time.  She had stayed in bed until noon, and then went out to pick up KSL for a movie.  They looked up movie times as they drove, then realized that all the theaters would be full up because of the holiday.

They considered driving to the capitol for their new signature coffee drink, but a phone call proved they were closed.

"I know it's not your thing, but I did get a Starbucks gift card for my birthday.  We could tie one on there!"  She smirked, and they decided to hit up one inside a book store so she could look for some stationary.  She wanted to write letters to all the people who had helped her this year.  She thought of it a few days before Thanksgiving, but it was too late to execute it before then.

Clearly cute stationery was out.  She couldn't find a thing.  They picked up some cold brewed coffee from the Starbucks and walked down to the pet store so he could fawn over the "snake cats" as he called them.  They walked through the store as he turned into a little boy, getting excited about every fish and parrot.  She laughed at his uncharacteristic positive outlook while inside a pet store.

They drove out to see if a stationery store she thought was on the outskirts of town was open.  No dice.  After another adventure out in grocery shopping, she dropped him back off at his house.

"This was a good afternoon, right?  I mean, we got some Black Friday shopping in, drove around for awhile, got to see some cute animals.  It was good!"  KSL exclaimed.

"You don't have to sell the day to me buddy." She said, surprised at his sudden need to win her approval.

"You just seemed disappointed that we weren't going to see a movie." He said.

"I was just wracking my brain trying to think of cheap things we could do, I wasn't disappointed." She said.

"But it was good though, wasn't it?  It was a solid afternoon.  We had some laughs!"

She couldn't for the life of her figure out why he was suddenly being like this.  "I never said I had a bad time buddy.  It was good, a good afternoon.  I'm not regretting any of our choices today, okay?"

"Okay, okay, I was just worried."  He exclaimed before getting out of the car.

"Just coming home from spending the afternoon with KSL." she texted Dawn, "There is this weird powerflip happening now, he's like dying for my approval.  Wanting me to tell him I had a good time today.  It's so odd."

She responded "That's what withholding sex will do to a man.  Classic."

Thursday, December 1, 2016


They went back to her studio for more drinks, and again listening to some new Patton Oswalt he had on his phone.  He slowly put his arm around her as they were listening, and she slowly snuggled into his side.

"You want to know something funny?  I wouldn't have thought you were romantically interested in me at all if you had slept over.  It was you sticking your dick in me that did that."  He laughed and said "noted."

"I almost went to your apartment that night after the trip.  I was so stressed out and tired and didn't want to drive all the way home.  I almost knocked on your door and was like 'I don't want your dick, I just want to sleep and be held while doing so.' but I drove home instead.

"That would've been funny actually." He responded.

He flicked her hair off her face, and they looked into each other's eyes and talked, slowly getting closer.  She brushed the stray hairs in his eyebrows and his beard while they talked about trivial things.  He complained about being fat, she rested her head on his stomach and told him that if he got skinny and turned back into that chode in the photos she wouldn't be friends with him anymore.  They continued to snuggle, her face buried in his neck.

She made a small noise and he called her out on it, asking what it meant.  She just really didn't want him to leave, everything was so comfortable.  She never really had this kind of ease with Piz where she could have fallen asleep on him as easily as made out with him.  She knew KSL would be leaving soon, and she wanted to fall asleep in his arms, in the most platonic way possible.

He started kissing her face, closer and closer to her mouth.  She eventually made the leap to kissing on the mouth.  He was cautious, almost shy with his kisses, unlike how he had ever been before.  They made out for awhile with slow intensity before she broke off and said "It's so weird to be doing this like...without feelings."

He made a noise then, almost a sexy kind of disdain, and he leaned her back onto the couch as they continued to make out.  His hands were everywhere, and her loose sweater slipped over one shoulder that he caressed, careful to avoid the other shoulder with her flu shot.

Eventually, when it got a little too heated he said "I think I should go."  She agreed.  They both stood and he put his hat, jacket, and shoes on. She stood for a hug goodbye, with a quick kiss.  They were both still too emotionally charged, and he took her face in his hands as they continued their passionate make out session.  He pulled her up, and she stood on her tip-toes kissing him, reaching behind his head to his neck.  He took his hat off, tossing it on the couch, and then lifted her up to meet him, bridging the almost foot long gap.  He went for her shirt and she immediately put her arms down, stopping the fabric from coming up over her head.

"You're right, you're right...sorry, got carried away."  He said.  She walked him out to the elevators and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving.

"Happy Thanksgiving again," she texted him later, "Even though we are a little dysfunctional, I'm very thankful for you in my life."


Her ex came over a few hours earlier than expected, and they had a nice meal together.  She had to ask him for help on things he should have already been helping with, but when she asked he at least stepped up to the plate.  She thought back to last Christmas when she was exhausted making treats for their friends, and he did the bare minimum and left her to struggle.  She was still doing the right thing in divorcing.

She texted Dawn about her slip up with KSL later that night.  She responded "Color me not at all surprised.  Hahaha.  I love it.  And good for you for sticking to your guns."