Leave Her

"So where did you end things?" KSL asked her.  "He told me that I had his work phone now and could call him during work hours.  I'm not sure if I'm going to though."

"Oh yeah, why is that?" KSL seemed pretty interested in what the answer might be, but rehearsal was starting and she needed to make it quick.

"Because...I think he wanted me to tell him to leave her."  She replied.  She didn't want to be responsible for the end of a marriage that had a child on the way.  She remembered Favorite Mistake saying to her "I don't think this is what marriage is supposed to be." She told him she didn't think this was how it was supposed to go either.  It was a dangerous road, to continue to speak with him even though it might mean the end of his marriage.  Again, as Sleuthy friend had pointed out to her, she wasn't making him DO anything.  The blame wasn't to be put on her.

"Awwww, it's so hard being Penny!" KSL chided her as he got up to go onstage.  Sometimes he made her want to just stick out her tongue at him, though they were far too old for such things.  Later during a break he helped her plug in her phone and made gently made fun of her again, while looping his arm around her waist.  He left it there for a little too long to be considered playful.

Was it the fact that she could break up a marriage making her more attractive to him?  It was a weird thought that she couldn't exactly shake off.

Ascent and Descent

"It's me.  You got me in trouble." Favorite Mistake said.  2 hours after getting her text, he called her from his office line.  She never picked up a random number, literally never.  She hated talking on the phone and unknown people on the phone was 10 times worse.  Still, her gut saw that it was in the area where they had met, and she answered the phone.

The Facebook message that she sent to his wife had gotten to her.  She lost her mind when she found out, and they had gotten into a huge fight.  He had never gotten her email, his spam folder must have gotten it trapped.  She said "I'd apologize for getting you in trouble...the thing is, I'm not sorry.  You stopped talking to all your friends and we all had a bet going if she had already ax murdered you."

His co-worker, who was out sick that day, was his only friend in the world.  He went to work, came home, watched TV, and went to sleep.  She asked him if he was happy, did this life make him happy?  He couldn't say yes.  He felt very alone, isolated.  He was looking forward to the birth of his child because it was going to be a little girl he could spoil with Disney movies.  Disney was what they first bonded over, and she was happy that he would share his love with his offspring.  She was still a little upset that he had gotten himself into this situation.

"If you were me, what would you do?" He asked her.  She had a shot of deja vu as she recounted the other girls he broke up with because she had said they were trash.  Her answer this time would be different.

"I wouldn't have knocked her up."

She confessed to him about her marital woes, and he asked her if there were any positive qualities about her husband left.  She said that she was sure there were, but she couldn't see them at the moment.  He sighed and said "Marriage isn't easy."

That sigh felt like a small little lift of depression from her life.  Like when you take off fake eyelashes after a long day; you forgot how much they were weighing on you until they were gone.  Talking to him had given her a better sense of self worth, she felt lighter and more confident.

It had been such a rough time for her as of late, she realized she needed to talk to him to remind herself of who she used to be.  She needed to hold onto that and be strong for a little while longer.

Father Figures

"I've been thinking.  And please don't get mad....I've been wondering what is missing for you that you believe only Favorite Mistake can fill."

"I'm not mad, it's a totally valid question that I've been asking myself. Honestly, since it has been a long time, it might just be nostalgia, it might be my situation. Right now I feel like there is no one in my corner, and he always was.  With the added "broke his heart" thing, I really just want to ask him what the hell he was thinking for the last 20 years, even though if I could talk to him I wouldn't be able to mention it. 

But I honestly have come as close as I can get to closure at this point. I was thinking about all the people I have now, and It's almost selfish to want just one more, you know?

Even if there is a history attached.   
The only thing is he was all those friends in one. Maybe I'm weird, but you know how you go to different friends to get different things?  He was all of them."

Together they had asked another old friend for a phone number and gotten it.  Apparently he only answered it sometimes, but she shot off a quick text anyway.

Turns out, according to the friend, Favorite Mistake was about to be a dad.

A Man For All Seasons

"Is this the guy you wrote about?"

"Which one?  Not to be a whore but I write about a lot of guys."

She'd been thinking about this short interlude with her sleuthy friend lately.  Was she a whore for having mostly guy friends?  After her Favorite Mistake revelation, where she sought out comfort, she went to many people, few of them women.  

She did tell the BFF about it, but didn't seek solace from her.  As expected BFF turned it around to be about her and all the great romances she'd had, and not so great romances.  When they saw each other again, the BFF never brought it up or asked if she was doing okay.  She knew that it wouldn't be spoken of again.

PJ had come through big time, the only one to calm her down and bring up solid points that calmed her anxiety. They even went deeper into the human condition and solved problems that she didn't realize that she was having.  She finally realized what she needed to take away from all this was that she needed to become someone in-between her 17 year old self and who she was right now.

KSL had listened, been attentive, and shared insightful things he had learned from his therapist that shown a light on her current situation.  Maybe she also needed to set a deadline.  A fleeting thought of her sharing an apartment with KSL "Odd Couple" style made her smile.

Mo she had not told the whole story to, but she knew she could come to him for advice on what Favorite Mistake could be thinking when he got her email.  He said to her that if it was him, even though he was married, he would reach out.  Everyone has one that got away, and he would rather be friends with her then have her out of his life again.  A few days later, his favorite mistake called him.  She was in town with her new husband and wanted to meet to catch up.

BW had gotten a cursory overview, but she knew he wouldn't have had much insight.  He was very against all relationships, and their friendship was mostly just bitching about people they knew. 

All these men in her life are there for her, so many.  She needed to stop being greedy and let Favorite Mistake go.  Create her own closure.

50 Shades of Blushing

"You broke his heart when you got married."

"Like because he's a drama queen or because he was really in love with me?"

"Both, most likely."

"Why didn't he ever say anything to me?"

"Because X was into you."

She didn't even remember meeting X until after she was married.  Her idea of what had happened between age 17 to now was completely skewed.  She needed to re-think her entire adult life.  Favorite Mistake she had an idea on, but she had no clue that she broke his heart.  Why didn't he ever say anything to her?  She knew he and X were good friends, but she didn't really talk to X, and the last time they really hung out together he ended up sleeping with her then best friend.  Not that it was a problem, the best friend would sleep with anyone, and she had no idea that there was ever an attraction between them.

Since she was sworn to secrecy on the heart breaking, she messaged X.  She said that she heard about an event happening at his job that made her think of him.  They got to talking, and she noticed he did flirt a little...it was the same back and forth they always did with each other, only now it was colored by what she knew.  Had she been flirting with him this entire time and not known it?  Was that even possible?  How many times had she done that?  She never felt attractive enough to have that kind of power.  The quote "You know not what you do" from Julius Caesar kept repeating in her mind.  

Then in an unforeseen turn of events, X told her a story...that basically ended with him sending her photos of him in makeup and telling her about his wearing make up and having sex.  The story had started with her being Julia Roberts and ended up with being more like Rachel Dratch.

Hilarity aside, it looks like he was a mutual favorite mistake.

"I really miss you.  Please text me?" was sent to Favorite Mistake after a sleuthy friend found his work email through Linkedin.  It took her three hours to decide on those specific words, and she panicked long after sending it.  Days later, she hadn't heard anything.

PJ called her and they talked about the situation (and more) for 3 hours.  PJ knew exactly what she was thinking and feeling, and had a great attitude he passed along.  "No matter what, if you hear from him or don't, it's not a rejection.  If he doesn't reach out, it's only because his wife is crazy and made him cut off all contact with you and he can't.  After all that you've been through together, he has feelings and will always have feelings.  You will always have that."

There were so many other feelings...was she careless with his heart, even though she had no idea of his feelings.  Was she putting him in a bad position by contacting him at all?

Don't you tell me to deny it...

My Favorite Mistake

Before Catfishing was a real thing, she lied about her age on the internet.  She rationalized that she was taking college courses despite being a junior in high school, so she was really just stretching the truth when she said she was in college.  She WAS in college, just...part time and semi-illegally.

He was her constant, her best friend.  She eventually came clean with him, and he was forgiving.  She hadn't lied about anything else, and neither had he.  They met in person years later, him doing the cool guy lean against a parking meter on the Haight, her chiding him immediately for hiding his face when meeting someone from the internet.  There shared everything with each other, not only that light but for years afterward.  He never judged her or pushed her to be something she wasn't.  He was the only one in her life that accepted her exactly as she was.  Was it because he didn't have to see her everyday?  Maybe.

Her good friend said that he had a crush on her in college.  She didn't believe he did, because he never made a move or brought it up in conversation.  When you had the computer to buffer, you say all kinds of things that you wouldn't be able to in person.  But it put it into her head, and she was worried.  She didn't want to ruin the relationship.  He was her Yes Man.  He validated her choices in a way no one else ever did.

Then, years ago, he decided to drop off the face of the earth.  He got married and didn't tell her about it until afterwards.  No one knew what he was up to anymore, but she missed him, now more than ever.  She was doubting herself in ways that she never had.  She needed her friend back.

It entered her mind that not pursuing a relationship with him might have been a mistake.  She imaged how her life would have been with him.  He was never going to make big money, but he would have made her a priority and made sure she was taken care of.  He would have made sure that she felt loved everyday, telling her that even when they were apart they were under the same moon.  She would have lived in the bay area like she always wanted, stayed close to home.  Maybe he was her favorite mistake.