Monday, November 19, 2018

Alone Together Time

She'd been watching Goldie's dog for days, and she was feeling lonely.  And as always happens, once she was feeling the most lonely a man would text her, and keep her on a hook.  This time it was Mel instead of the usual line up.  He wanted to hang, but he was short on funds.  She suggested a movie night at Goldie's and they would pick up some cheap tacos for dinner.

As they sat around catching up while waiting for the tacos, he shared his plans for next week in Vegas meeting Cher and tooling around in a limo with his friend from the bar.  Later on in the month he was going to Peru, to take part in some sort of ritual.  "What do you hope to get out of that?"  She asked, he answered with a little bit of peace.  She said she hoped it would help him, and she meant it.

There was still something between them.  It was hard not to want the future that he wanted for himself; house, kids.  The dream.  As it stood now, they were just the same level of lonely.

He hadn't seen The Haunting of Hill House, so they watched the first couple of episodes.  It was only a matter of a few minutes before they were snuggling comfortably, him occasionally laughing at her jumping at scary parts even though she'd already seen it.  SD came by to pick something up, and he didn't pull away from her while they were all talking.

It was easy, nice.  Nothing more complicated than that.  He hugged her and didn't try to kiss her goodnight when he left.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Losing All Sense of Home

"So, I'm actually moving in a month." SD dropped the bomb on her for the few minutes they spent together before she had to get back to Goldie's dog.  Goldie herself was moving out of the building next summer.

"Is it weird, coming back here now that you don't live here anymore?" Mel asked when he was over to visit.  "No," she answered, "It still feels like home."

She realized suddenly that soon she would have no reason to go back to her old building.  The place she still considered home.  Though she had a place to stash her crap, it didn't feel like home.  She knew it wasn't going to be forever.

The next day she had a start of a panic attack and didn't know why.  Talking through it with Banana she realized that it was just because it was like moving out of the building all over again, losing her home all over again.  Luckily the sudden knowledge of what she was panicking about stopped the attack, but the sadness of the situation remained.

She was emotionally homeless.

Friday, November 9, 2018

Roomate High

"I wasn't lost in space, I was lost in time.  All the times I'd travel that same path, or a similar one.  I lost touch with time and that's why I needed an anchor."

All she had to say to PJ was this, and he understood, got why she left early when she was high for the first time. Now that she'd gotten high a couple of times by herself she was able to piece it together.

"That's what I love the most about it.  The things that I don't want to do; work, social obligations...they can take as long as they need to.  But being home, being with AB and the dogs...I want that to last longer, which is why I puff.  To make those moments last longer."

She smiled.  "That's what I hate most about it.  I got lost going home, it was all taking too long.  I don't want anything to take that long."

She was finding her way, however.  Sometimes it was the way that it changed everything else that brought the allure of getting high.  One day she went to get the signature drink with KSL and they took it home.  She offered him an edible, and they sat on the couch and watched a movie.  She didn't feel the usual pressure to "enjoy" the movie the way he usually wanted her to, checking on her reactions out of the corner of his eye.  He might have still been doing it, but she no longer cared.  It was easier, nicer to deal with him when they were both high.

There were still certain things that she didn't feel the need to "extend" her time on and didn't end up eating edibles regularly, but they had their place.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Same Level of Lonely

She had decided, against better judgement, to reconnect with Mel.  She didn't really trust him, but feeling sorry for him sort of over-rode that emotion.  They met for sushi, and she was embarrassed to say that she had completely forgotten his beginning order, save for one roll.  It had only been a few months since they had seen each other, but she guessed it wasn't important enough to her to retain that information.  They did do a fair amount of catching up, and he made fun of her for breaking it off with him and now she had started actually doing edibles.

She apologized about how she was in a bad place and ended it through a text message.  He forgave her, said that it happened, and asked how she was doing now.  Better, she decided.  She was just overwhelmed with emotion and felt like she would never get anything more than what she had with him, that they just weren't meant to be and it was silly to continue to waste each other's time.  Her feelings hadn't changed, but the situation hadn't changed either.

They ended the evening on a good note.

She awoke one morning and started off to an annual autumn event that she had gone to with Mel the year before.  It had been both their first times doing the event last year, and it had been so long since she did a "couple-y" thing that it was thrilling in the moment.

At the last moment she decided it was too hot for what she was wearing and changed into a t-shirt, then realized that it was the shirt Mel had gotten her from the time they went to see his favorite band.  On the way out of town, their song played, from another concert they'd attended.  She decided it was a sign, and brought the spoils of the trip to his workplace that night and explained what happened.

"I was just thinking about you this morning too." He confided.  "Yeah?  What were you thinking about?"  She prodded.

"Just you, and when we went to dinner, and how it was nice to spend time with you." She smiled.  He said she made his "stoner kid heart swell" with the treats she had brought to him.  He was clearly already a bit stoned, but they had a good conversation with the other people he had been talking to, and he said he'd walk her to her car.

They hugged goodbye, and she noticed that he had taken a wider stance, This was something he used to do so that it was easier for them to kiss, and he hugged her longer than usual.  So long in fact that she asked him if he was okay, and he said it had just been awhile since they had hugged.  A look crossed his eyes briefly, then he straightened up and said goodbye.

She was slightly disappointed that he hadn't tried to kiss her, but also very impressed that he didn't.  It was incredibly respectful, while still feeling out the situation.  Even in his incredibly state of stoned he'd managed to still respect her.  It almost made her like him more than she had before.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Slowing Down

Since her big work month was finally out of the way, she had some time to breathe.  Of course, once she started to take a deep breath a social obligation popped out of nowhere; dinner and drinks with an acquaintance, dinner with another friend, a autumn day trip.  The 3 day weekend she was looking so forward to got obliterated by having to see people or do things on all three days.

She was struggling with being in the moment, slowing everything down. She thought by giving up theatre she'd have more free time, but it seems she was still being pulled in every direction.  Maybe things would feel a little easier once KSL's show was over and he was able to get a car.  Then KSL made an offhand comment that he wasn't even going to start looking until after he got his tax return back...which would be at least 5 months away.  He needed to get a car much, much sooner than that.

She hadn't had a day all to herself in a really long time, and maybe she just needed to get that one day back that she needed to go on with the remaining six.