Thursday, December 19, 2019

Ushering In the New Year

"Don't panic, don't do anything stupid" She said to herself, obviously already panicking.

She had just been spending time by herself in the lobby, saying goodbye to the ushers who were walking out from downstairs at their Christmas Party.  She had promised the House Manager that she would attend but it was too many people in one space and she had to retreat upstairs.

An usher, an older lady who lived in her old building and she playfully called "Chanel Lady" because she was always wearing Chanel earrings and a purse, had come upstairs with her date and was clearly drunk.  CL walked right up to her and said "What are you going through?  I can tell these things, what is making you sad?"

She was taken aback by the question, as she was pretty content.  "I'm fine, thank you.  I'm really okay."

"You need a hug" CL decided, and before she knew what was happening, her entire face was now covered by the fur coat CL was wearing.  She was hugging her tightly and she was having trouble breathing.

Don't panic.

She kept her grip and told her that she knew something was wrong, so she was going to "pray with her" and started babbling vaguely Christian things about how Jesus sees her and wants what was best for her.  It felt like CL was raping her with her religion.

Finally after what seemed like forever, she let go.  She just said "Thank you, I just felt like hugging someone." and finally left.

She felt incredibly violated in her own workspace, and left shortly after.  There was a two week break just after this that made it easier to forget and be able to get back to work without it feeling like a place where she didn't want to be any longer.  She reported the incident to the big boss and to HR who found it to be harmless, which only made her feel worse.

Monday, December 9, 2019

Looking For Forever

She decided that she would let her Facebook Dating page stay up until she made three connections, then she would shut it down again and only talk to those three guys and see where it went.

She ended up talking to one for a bit, and he asked her out on a date.  She said yes, but also stated that she wasn't quite in the state of mind to be seriously looking for a relationship.

They met at her favorite bar, and she introduced him to her bartender.  They talked about if they were originally from the city, and what their interests were.  He didn't seem to have many beyond his "Geek Chic" age group.  It also didn't help that he had a 9 year old daughter that he didn't talk about, or the fact that he lived with his mom so that she could help him take care of the kid.

"So what are you looking for?" He asked her.

She took a deep breath before diving into her diatribe.

"It's such a loaded question, when in reality no one can know what they are looking for.  Every person I meet is going to be a different story.  I can say I want to meet someone I'd love to spend the rest of my life with, but what if the next person I meet is someone I think is really fun and different, but I don't see a long term future with?  Does that mean because I'm looking for someone forever that I can't spend time with that person any longer?  It could've been a great time but I'm going to throw it away because I'm 'looking for something different'?  That doesn't make sense to me.  Much in the same way that I might spend my life with someone but never want to have kids, or have tons of kids.  Everything really depends on the other person and the type of chemistry I have with them."

"Wow, I never really thought about it like that." was his only response.

"What are you looking for?" She asked.

"I'm Looking For My Forever."

She hoped that she kept her internal eye rolling to herself.  The next day he messaged her asking for a second date.  She thanked him, said he was a very nice guy, which was true.  But she didn't want to get in the way of his search for someone that would be forever for him.

Thursday, November 21, 2019

The More Things Change...

Times just kept on going like they had been, without much to talk about.  She went to visit a friend in the hospital a few times as she had surgery, then complications to the surgery.  Once that was past she was out and about and up to going out to lunch and she didn't feel the need to worry about her any longer.

She almost jumped back into directing with a festival her friend was writing for, but in the end she didn't respect what the other director was doing and bowed out.  She did recommend Red to act in the production, and she ended up getting in and doing an amazing job.

She and BB were getting into a strange non-dating schedule.  They would usually interact once or twice a week, and see each other about once or twice a month.  She was still enjoying his company, but didn't really see him as a potential love interest any longer.  He had become a great friend and she no longer wanted to change that in order to love and to eventually leave. 

She did still have those thoughts whenever BB would say something like she always flirts with him, but then remembered that they always hung out by themselves and he hadn't seen her interact with other people to understand that's just want she was like.

It was getting a bit lonely living the single life, but she was settling into it.  She told everyone over and over again that if there was a potential for a relationship that was nice, but it had to be better than she was being by herself.  In the end, there weren't any worth the trouble.

Wednesday, October 30, 2019

Ghost Walk

She'd always wanted to do this, and it was finally the right time and place.  Red, with her newfound freedom euphoria, had decided to volunteer and be a host of one of the ghost walks at the capital.

She packed into the car with another friend and drove the 20 minutes into the capitol, catching up along the way. 

It was one of those days that would get cold and windy, then minutes later be slightly too warm and sunny.  They walked along beside the rest of the group, taking their jackets on and off with the weather. 

Red seemed nervous but confident.  They got lost a couple of times between houses, but you wouldn't have known it from her demeanor.  Another friend happened to be on the tour, and it was nice to catch up and drift away and back to each other within the crowd.

She didn't expect anything but an outdoor tour, but they weaved in and out of bars, theatre spaces, and homes.  It was more like the Historic Homes tour she took with her work in the fall.  Other friends "acted" as the home owners and told spooky stories about the houses they were in.  It was far longer and more entertaining than she expected it to be.

The big stop at the governor's mansion was her favorite.  Out of all the childhood field trips she'd taken, she'd never actually made it there.  It was very Twelve Oaks, though obviously not as old.  There was a haunted clock and a lady in white that was often seen walking the halls.  They then had an actor walk by upstairs in white, by a mirror so the group would be able to see them.

In the end she got a blister from wearing her new boots, but had an amazing time.  The parts that stuck with her the most were walking away from the group, and letting her mind wander. 

Sunday, October 27, 2019

The Work is to be Grateful

"Dude, I am the absolute epitome of sexual frustration.  Plus I really miss you." She text Nameless.  She knew it was a little risky to expose that she felt literally anything for him.

"Hahahaha...I mean I am sorry."  Was his reply.  He said he was sure she was still playing the field  She countered with her tale about The Final Straw and how she deleted the dating apps.  He said it was few and far between on his dating scene as well, but it was a strange conversation.  Because they took so much time in-between talking she didn't think anything of it and moved along with her life.

A month or so later he was coming into town, but said he'd be available later in the evening.  She said that she would make dinner plans and just wait for his text.  He texted that he'd have to cancel and would explain later.  He drunk texted "I was not expecting this" and then didn't text her back for 14 days.

"The main reason I bailed was because I had had a date.  I thought it the best thing since I didn't trust myself to just 'hang out' with you (I am a guy and all).  I was out late with a handful of professors and got drunk...I even drunk texted you, sorry."

"So then why did you even tell me you were coming into town? Just wondering." She replied.  She was almost happy she was out with her ex and his best friend and highly distracted from the conversation where she was losing her beneficial situationship.

"I made plans with you before I even met her.  It was only the day before I left that we confirmed a second date.  It all happened kinda qick.  Next I was up there and realized I needed to I said said, sorry."

"Dude, we aren't exclusive.  You don't have to be sorry, just be a bit more open and honest would be nice.  So did you end up seeing her?"

He fumbled through multiple messages: "Not sorry for that..fuck I know that...sorry for last minute canceling.  And yeah I've seen her a few times now.  I actually meant to talk to you later that week about it.  Didn't want to jinx know.  But I've been busy with work, this new experiment is a shit show.  I have to play captain save a hoe and fix it.  And I kinda have...a little."

She stopped responding for the night, she was distracted by the conversation she was having in front of her.  It was still emotionally difficult to be with her ex.

When she got home she re-read the messages and started to cry.  It was the dishonesty and leaving her on read that really upset her.  KSL listened to her bitch and get upset while he busied himself in the kitchen.

The next morning she sent the text "Sorry I was out with friends last night so I didn't give this my full attention.  It's been fun, and I hope it works out with your experiment and this girl."

He never texted back.

She started on a bit of a man-hating spiral.  The only male influence she got on a regular basis was her ex, who gave her puppy dog eyes of hurt every time they spent time together, and KSL was so down on himself about never being in a relationship again that she was starting to think every man was like this.

Think, no, believe every man was like this.  All those romance novels, the movies, the real life relationships she was all bullshit.  KSL was right.  It was never going to happen because it didn't actually exist.  It was a lie she thought was going to happen.

She was getting into some serious man hating when she stumbled upon a New York Times Modern Love article.  "I'm not sure if we fall in love with people, or if we fall in love with the way they make us feel."

This gave her pause.  This wasn't really about Nameless at all.  In fact, the reality was as a demisexual and an empath she was indeed just addicted to the way people made her feel.

The article continued:

"It's about honoring what happened.  You met a person who awoke something in you.  A fire ignited.  The work is to be grateful.  Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and left a mark on you."

She decided to do the work.

She remembered how funny it was that he had come back around in a way that she managed to go out on a date with him without knowing his name.  She remembered how great their conversations were.  He would take her out to nice dinner and let her rage about how the local theatre system was broken, and the steps that needed to be taken to fix it.  He would listen, really listen.  He knew when she was being serious and when she was being funny, and walked alongside it effortlessly.  He didn't pull away from her whenever she got closer to him.  He read her in a way that no one else had for a long time, while still being himself.  Their balance had been perfect.  Why let the end sour all that?

She thought back, not to their sex or intimacies, but to a small moment when they had exited a bar to move on to a more quiet run, and just walked along in a comfortable silence in the rain, hand in hand.

Sunday, September 1, 2019


Since she and BB had decided that they were going to be friends, they made a schedule of switching off making non-dates.  They had talked on their first date about how both of them seem to attract narcissistic people, and so this was a nice fair and balanced way to spend time together.  It seemed like the perfect plan.

Until it wasn't.

Other people in their lives were determined to ruin what had become the perfect friendship.

BB's father was in a band with one of her theatre acquaintances, and one night they decided to go out and see them perform.

Upon entering the bar, she saw a barrage of theatre friends who were already a few drinks in.  They yelled at her, greeted her, and she introduced them to BB.  They gave her the eyebrow wiggle, and she quickly shook her head no.  They respected it, but she was already on the defensive.

She spent the rest of the evening making it perfectly clear that they were just friends.  The last thing she wanted to do was make it awkward for him.

Of course later it came out that his friends gave him a very hard time about it, while hers had let that nod say everything.  He seemed to be miserable, while she felt okay about it.  She wondered how long until they had to stop being friends.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

The Last Straw

For the first time in a long time she'd actually gotten a sweet message on the dating app.  Their conversation had been good, but scheduling conflicts prevented them from meeting for a couple of weeks.

They were too alike, and too nice, and kept coming up against dancing around the issue of dating.

Once they finally met up, they had a 3 hour long brunch.  The conversation never stopped, neither of them wanting to actually leave or suggest moving onto a new location.  Though she felt a strong connection with him, something was missing.  The sexual attraction.  She didn't feel anything coming from him in regards to her, though he did call her pretty.

A day after the date, he messaged her.  Their date had been great, and wonderful, but he had realized that he was not in a place where he could be in a relationship.  He hoped that they could be friends.

She hoped that they could be friends too.  But she also went directly onto all the apps and deactivated all of her accounts.  She was done being hurt again.