Monday, November 19, 2018

Alone Together Time

She'd been watching Goldie's dog for days, and she was feeling lonely.  And as always happens, once she was feeling the most lonely a man would text her, and keep her on a hook.  This time it was Mel instead of the usual line up.  He wanted to hang, but he was short on funds.  She suggested a movie night at Goldie's and they would pick up some cheap tacos for dinner.

As they sat around catching up while waiting for the tacos, he shared his plans for next week in Vegas meeting Cher and tooling around in a limo with his friend from the bar.  Later on in the month he was going to Peru, to take part in some sort of ritual.  "What do you hope to get out of that?"  She asked, he answered with a little bit of peace.  She said she hoped it would help him, and she meant it.

There was still something between them.  It was hard not to want the future that he wanted for himself; house, kids.  The dream.  As it stood now, they were just the same level of lonely.

He hadn't seen The Haunting of Hill House, so they watched the first couple of episodes.  It was only a matter of a few minutes before they were snuggling comfortably, him occasionally laughing at her jumping at scary parts even though she'd already seen it.  SD came by to pick something up, and he didn't pull away from her while they were all talking.

It was easy, nice.  Nothing more complicated than that.  He hugged her and didn't try to kiss her goodnight when he left.

Friday, November 16, 2018

Losing All Sense of Home

"So, I'm actually moving in a month." SD dropped the bomb on her for the few minutes they spent together before she had to get back to Goldie's dog.  Goldie herself was moving out of the building next summer.

"Is it weird, coming back here now that you don't live here anymore?" Mel asked when he was over to visit.  "No," she answered, "It still feels like home."

She realized suddenly that soon she would have no reason to go back to her old building.  The place she still considered home.  Though she had a place to stash her crap, it didn't feel like home.  She knew it wasn't going to be forever.

The next day she had a start of a panic attack and didn't know why.  Talking through it with Banana she realized that it was just because it was like moving out of the building all over again, losing her home all over again.  Luckily the sudden knowledge of what she was panicking about stopped the attack, but the sadness of the situation remained.

She was emotionally homeless.

Friday, November 9, 2018

Roomate High

"I wasn't lost in space, I was lost in time.  All the times I'd travel that same path, or a similar one.  I lost touch with time and that's why I needed an anchor."

All she had to say to PJ was this, and he understood, got why she left early when she was high for the first time. Now that she'd gotten high a couple of times by herself she was able to piece it together.

"That's what I love the most about it.  The things that I don't want to do; work, social obligations...they can take as long as they need to.  But being home, being with AB and the dogs...I want that to last longer, which is why I puff.  To make those moments last longer."

She smiled.  "That's what I hate most about it.  I got lost going home, it was all taking too long.  I don't want anything to take that long."

She was finding her way, however.  Sometimes it was the way that it changed everything else that brought the allure of getting high.  One day she went to get the signature drink with KSL and they took it home.  She offered him an edible, and they sat on the couch and watched a movie.  She didn't feel the usual pressure to "enjoy" the movie the way he usually wanted her to, checking on her reactions out of the corner of his eye.  He might have still been doing it, but she no longer cared.  It was easier, nicer to deal with him when they were both high.

There were still certain things that she didn't feel the need to "extend" her time on and didn't end up eating edibles regularly, but they had their place.

Wednesday, November 7, 2018

Same Level of Lonely

She had decided, against better judgement, to reconnect with Mel.  She didn't really trust him, but feeling sorry for him sort of over-rode that emotion.  They met for sushi, and she was embarrassed to say that she had completely forgotten his beginning order, save for one roll.  It had only been a few months since they had seen each other, but she guessed it wasn't important enough to her to retain that information.  They did do a fair amount of catching up, and he made fun of her for breaking it off with him and now she had started actually doing edibles.

She apologized about how she was in a bad place and ended it through a text message.  He forgave her, said that it happened, and asked how she was doing now.  Better, she decided.  She was just overwhelmed with emotion and felt like she would never get anything more than what she had with him, that they just weren't meant to be and it was silly to continue to waste each other's time.  Her feelings hadn't changed, but the situation hadn't changed either.

They ended the evening on a good note.

She awoke one morning and started off to an annual autumn event that she had gone to with Mel the year before.  It had been both their first times doing the event last year, and it had been so long since she did a "couple-y" thing that it was thrilling in the moment.

At the last moment she decided it was too hot for what she was wearing and changed into a t-shirt, then realized that it was the shirt Mel had gotten her from the time they went to see his favorite band.  On the way out of town, their song played, from another concert they'd attended.  She decided it was a sign, and brought the spoils of the trip to his workplace that night and explained what happened.

"I was just thinking about you this morning too." He confided.  "Yeah?  What were you thinking about?"  She prodded.

"Just you, and when we went to dinner, and how it was nice to spend time with you." She smiled.  He said she made his "stoner kid heart swell" with the treats she had brought to him.  He was clearly already a bit stoned, but they had a good conversation with the other people he had been talking to, and he said he'd walk her to her car.

They hugged goodbye, and she noticed that he had taken a wider stance, This was something he used to do so that it was easier for them to kiss, and he hugged her longer than usual.  So long in fact that she asked him if he was okay, and he said it had just been awhile since they had hugged.  A look crossed his eyes briefly, then he straightened up and said goodbye.

She was slightly disappointed that he hadn't tried to kiss her, but also very impressed that he didn't.  It was incredibly respectful, while still feeling out the situation.  Even in his incredibly state of stoned he'd managed to still respect her.  It almost made her like him more than she had before.

Friday, November 2, 2018

Slowing Down

Since her big work month was finally out of the way, she had some time to breathe.  Of course, once she started to take a deep breath a social obligation popped out of nowhere; dinner and drinks with an acquaintance, dinner with another friend, a autumn day trip.  The 3 day weekend she was looking so forward to got obliterated by having to see people or do things on all three days.

She was struggling with being in the moment, slowing everything down. She thought by giving up theatre she'd have more free time, but it seems she was still being pulled in every direction.  Maybe things would feel a little easier once KSL's show was over and he was able to get a car.  Then KSL made an offhand comment that he wasn't even going to start looking until after he got his tax return back...which would be at least 5 months away.  He needed to get a car much, much sooner than that.

She hadn't had a day all to herself in a really long time, and maybe she just needed to get that one day back that she needed to go on with the remaining six.

Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Plans Meant to be Broken

Nameless: "The...mainly tying you up, bending you over and giving you a spanking...and maybe if you beg just right giving you those little bites you like all over your body."

"Hmm, when exactly will you be doing all this exciting stuff to me?"

The date wasn't ideal.  Her body wouldn't be down for sex that week.  "Am I still cute even if you can't have sex with me when you come?"  She asked.

"Well I guess.  At least you can be my drinking partner." He responded.  She rolled her eyes.

A few weeks later, and he wasn't coming after all.  "Boss just put me on a new experiment...I will be busy for the next few weeks.  I also won't be up until after Thanksgiving now."

She was disappointed, but put it out of her mind.

Goldie brought up the weekend and her plans on Friday, and she had told her that her plans had been canceled.  She ended up committing to dog-sitting.

A few days later, another text from Nameless.  "I was thinking about you last night.  I was thinking about the last time I saw you..then about some of the things we talked about that may or may not be done to you the next time I saw you."

"You were being naughty and thinking about restraining me?  That's an exciting thought."

He responded "I was just thinking about stuff like that.  I wish you could fly up to Portland with me next week.  Wednesday through Friday.  You should fly up...just take these days off."

She smirked to herself.  She really enjoyed their tête-à-têtes.  Just his text tone could make her smile.  She was so happy that she got the occasional words of affirmation from him.  She was slowly realizing that she was never going to get everything in one this might be a good start.

Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Go Ask Alice?

"Okay, so the bathroom is down the hall.  There's a spare bedroom if you need it, don't feel like you will need to go home tonight, you are welcome for as long as you want to stay.  Always, not just tonight."

She smiled at PJ.  He had been wanting this evening since the moment that they met and he found out that she'd never gotten high.  She thought back to that night where she'd gotten a contact high from him and told him to calm down about the $20 they were charging him at the drive through.  He thought she was going to love it, maybe almost too much.  Like he did.

He was making a pizza, had 4 different kinds of snacks, and for dessert he had bought them all ice cream sandwiches, and regular ice cream.  If she got the munchies...well she was more than covered.

He showed her how to work the couch recliner, and they had an edible and he "puffed" a little as well in the garage.  They went back in the house and talked about life, what had been going on, the experiences she'd had being a roommate now.  It seemed like everything she said or did got blown up on an epic scale and turned against her, twisted into a totally different meaning until she ended up apologizing for something that had made her upset in the first place.  It was like extreme gaslighting, and she was getting tired of it.

An hour passed and she stated she didn't really feel any different.  PJ had advised her to just shout out what she was feeling as it happened and enjoy the experience.

"Well," she said, "Everyone has their stories about how they did too much the first time, lets just try another one."

PJ again offered up their spare bedroom in case she felt like she couldn't move later, and another trip to the garage and they were back in the house.  10 minutes after that she said she felt heavy, like a whoosh of base suddenly happened in an empty movie theater. 

"It's like that moment where you just realized you had one drink too many, and you should stop."  She vaguely remembered going out to the garage a second time, but refusing to have any more.

She pulled out the couch recliner and laid in it, and PJ turned on some comedian sketch show on Netflix and they watched a few episodes.  She got really tired and faded in and out, napping through most of the show.  AB left the room after one creeped her out, but returned soon after.  AB and PJ went to the garage to puff more, and it felt like they were gone forever.  She became uncomfortable and stood up, and felt like she was just tired.  It was time to go home.

Once they came back inside she said her goodbyes, saying she was just tired but thank you for hosting her.  PJ made her come out to the garage one last time and wrapped up 3 edibles to take home with her to try on her own.

She got into her car and decided to not take the freeway home, figuring it would be easier in her tired state.

Each light took forever to change, and she got more and more anxious to be in her own space, in her own room.  She was going the speed limit, but it felt so incredibly slow.  She started to forget where she was in her journey in-between stoplights.  Soon, she was lost in-between them, in the dark.  The dark stretched on forever and she became overwhelmed with all the streetlights out and only seeing into the dark.  She was never going to make it home, and started to panic, tears streaming down her face.  She cried in-between three stop lights, but finally made it home.

She'd left her water bottle at AB and PJ's house by accident, so she was incredibly thirsty.  KSL had dishes in both sides of the sink so she couldn't get to the filter to get water.  She painstakingly emptied the dishwasher, being careful so she didn't break a dish in her state, and finally got her glass filled.  KSL commented that it took her a full 45 minutes to unload that dishwasher, and she shot him a dirty look and replied that she wouldn't have had to if SOMEONE hadn't had the sink full.  She then proceeded to sit in a chair across the room, and KSL said "You don't have to sit over there.  You can come sit on the couch."

She couldn't do it.  She couldn't handle the mind games while high, she couldn't take the guilt of where she even sat in her own apartment.  "Look," KSL said kindly, "I know you are high for the first time and I just want you to be comfortable, sit wherever you want."

She stood up, and without breaking eye contact walked past him into her room and shut the door.