Thursday, June 20, 2019

The Gala

She'd felt a bit isolated for a long time, so when the opportunity arose for her to not only cut out of work but to go to a theatre party, she jumped at the chance to do something different.  She missed her friends and doing shows.

She talked with some of her board members, her boss won an award.  She talked to people she hadn't been able to speak to in a long time.  It was rejuvenating.  It was a spa day for her soul.

She had been so lonely the last few months, being with everyone was better than being in a relationship.  Maybe she should concentrate more on her friendships and stop caring so much about relationships.

Friday, May 3, 2019

It's Terminal

"Anything else?" The doctor asked.

This was too easy.  This new doctor wasn't even asking, was just doing everything she asked.  And she sure wasn't caring about what medications she said she was previously on.

"Do you want to see a specialist?"

She did.  Then she went to the Endocrinologist.  The initial appointment was updating them on the last 10 years, the fatigue.  They wanted to test her cortisol to see if maybe that was also a problem.  She felt a little better after complaining for an hour, but she had a feeling this wasn't going to go anywhere.

First, she had to submit to more blood tests.

"I'm so sorry, I have tiny deep veins.  I drank a lot of water to help, but I'm sorry."

The phlebotomist was an older southern lady, and reminded her of the Southern Grandma that she never got to know.

"Bless your heart child, you remind me of my daughter.  She hated it when I practiced on her but your arm is exactly the same, don't you worry."

She did amazing, and she didn't even have a bruise.  Not like the next time when she couldn't find her and ended up a bruise the size of a grapefruit

She didn't have another appointment until September, they adjusted her meds slightly.  All that was left was those pesky "hopes and prayers" that were also supposed to fix everything else.

Tuesday, April 30, 2019

The Fest

She had enough time to mentally prepare herself for this trip, so it started in the best of spirits.  Having an extended period with Goldie was going to be fun.  She was going to a different part of the country than she'd ever been before, and was really looking forward to the new experience of being at a film festival.

Goldie said this was the "chilliest" off all the festivals, something that was right up her alley.  The conversation never stopped and it was never awkward between them.

"If you hook up with anyone do it in their room" Goldie said, dead serious.  She laughed hard and reminded her that being a demisexual sort of exuded her from the "random fuck at the film festival" crowd.

She was there representing Goldie and her art, so she was on her best behavior.  She didn't talk much, she made sure when she did it was nice or funny, or harmless.  She made sure she was always listening, always engaged and responding with her eyes to the things people were saying.

"You are catching the LOOKS at this festival.  What the hell was that? All the guys were checking out your boobs." Goldie commented after they went back to the room from the welcome party.

Even with her lack of self-awareness when it came to other people and what they thought of her she noticed it.  Some kid in college had chatted her up before a few members of the band had engaged them in conversation.

"Maybe they are just noticing my energy.  I'm trying to be nice to everyone and seem approachable so that I don't make you look unfavorable."

"Nah, something else is going on," Goldie brought up later on in the weekend.  "They are checking out your boobs but you are like, flirty and mysterious or something to them!"

A flash, of a life a very very long time ago.  She used to be a big flirt, before the marriage had stopped her out of respect to her husband.  Then, after she realized that she had KSL had been doing it, it had been put into her mind as something "bad" that she shouldn't be doing, and she'd compartmentalized that part of herself.

It was easy to be likable when someone realized they were actually being listened to.

The rest of the trip was full of sensory overload activities, A and B list celebs, and a lot of excellent conversations.  She had a blast but was emotionally spent by the time they got back to the airport.

Her mind kept going back to her "flirty" side for weeks, the rusty one that she hadn't used in awhile.  Was there a point in bringing her back to the surface?

Monday, April 22, 2019

Ugh, Why Are You Like This?

She regretted the text as soon as she'd sent it.  She'd just sent out her last ditch effort text for someone to join her with ramen or sushi.  She was having a craving and since the weather had improved she'd been antsy to just stay outside of her apartment.

She needed a walk and talk, a D&M.  Instead, she sent out the text to Mel.

"You have to be at work tonight right?" She asked.

"Not until like 10pm, why?"

"I just wanted to get some ramen or sushi and wanted to see if you'd like to join."

"I can't, I have the play.  It's opening night."

"Oh, you got into the play?  You didn't tell me."

They chatted a bit longer, and he offered to take her to sushi the next week.  "Thanks for reaching out, it was really nice to hear from you." he ended.

She winced.  She had no dog in this fight any longer.  Why did she keep going back to this situation?

Validation is a real bitch.

Monday, April 15, 2019

The Idea of Something

"If I could re-do any part of my if I died and I could come back and re-do any decade of my life, I would re-do my 20's."  KSL said.

"I wouldn't re-do anything.  I'd just be glad it was finally all over." She replied.

She had come to terms that now she was 100% alone.  She took comfort in the fact that Nameless had wanted to meet up with her, and was really sweet and comforting about the end.  In fact, it was almost a relief that it ended this way.

Because in the end it all just seemed not real.  3 years of dates.  Flirtations.  Kisses.  Sleepovers.  And sex. 

And so much time alone in-between.  Almost so much time that she forgot about him, about their connection.  Whenever he came around again he was always sweet, always "making up" the time they spent apart.  Their sense of humor gelled.  He could make fun of her and it never made her feel bad.  Their Love Languages were similar, so their time together, however short, was always meaningful.

She thought of their harmless conversations about her coming up to Portland with him for a weekend, or how if she was making 3 figures how he'd quit his job and be her "house husband."  Lots of fun talk for something that was never meant to be.

Maybe if they'd spent more time together it wouldn't have worked out.  His need to keep the bedroom cold would have gotten to her, they'd become short with one another during talking.  But they never really would.

It had been a perfect casual relationship because there had been time and space to romanticize it.  In the end, it was the idea of something that had been perfect.

Reading about romance, writing about romance, was so wonderful.  So heart-warming.  To imagine someone being there and loving her and thinking she was wonderful.

Imagining kept her safe, so she preferred it.

Friday, April 12, 2019

Tryst Less

"You need to see it.  You need to sit down with your husband and watch it." The customer insisted.

"Well, I don't really have one of those anymore but I can watch it alon--"

"Watch it with your boyfriend then."

She caught a sigh mid-air, and said evenly "I don't have one of those either."

"Okay, your girlfriend."

She gave up.  "Okay."

Later that evening she came home to the singles box that she canceled in January on her porch.

The universe was really hitting it hard how single she was.  It was starting to sting.  This was usually around the time that Nameless came around to pull her out of her slump.  This time however, he also had a curveball for her.

"Well everything got pushed up.  I have been making edits on my dissertation and at the same time working on my presentation.  I really can't think of anything else.  Been so tired.  Company is also interested in me heading up a big project, so I might be moving again."

Two states over.  He was moving two states over.  Even though they hadn't seen each other in months, she was still a bit devastated.  She suddenly realized how not alone she felt with his shadow, his non-existent existence, always in the back of her mind.  For the next two days she was bummed out, processing the emotional hole he would leave in her life.

But he would be up once more, in a few days for his presentation and turning in his dissertation. 

"Time for one final tryst?" She asked.

"Hahahaha...I don't know yet.  I am trying to get my presentation done.  I have to review it with my advisor and practice it.  If he doesn't have any changes he wants me to make I might have a little time."

She curbed her expectations.  What he was working on was a big deal and she suggested seeing him after it was over.  "I wish I could stay," he responded "I am flying out Saturday to head back east for an experiment.  I would really like to be able to grab a drink and have that final tryst (as you put it).  If I can get this done I am down.  I couldn't be an all night thing though.  I have to talk for an hour and I will need to practice multiple times at night and early in the morning."

Her heart melted a little bit.  He wanted her to stay over but knew he had to concentrate.  It was really very sweet of him to be straightforward about her staying, which she never would have done anyway.  As much as he was sweet about her staying, he was always running too hot to cuddle throughout the night, and he was always grumpy in the morning.  Staying over was cute when they weren't having sex together, but ever since they'd started, it hadn't gone well.

The night he was in town he said he'd text.  A little before 9pm he texted.  "I am still fumbling around with this and need to work on it more.  I don't think today is going to work unless I make some serious head way soon."

"I am sorry...I was really looking forward to one last tryst.  But who knows I could be back sometime."

She smiled.  It was bittersweet.  She wasn't happy that the last time she saw him wasn't going to be the last time.  This wasn't like with Piz, when it felt like she was neglected.  He had kept her up to date and wanted to meet up, it just wasn't in the cards.  She was really going to miss him.

She had decided she would finish her dinner, then text KSL and ask him where his was on his bus route and go pick him up.  Before that could happen, he walked in the door.

"Hey, I was--" He cut her off.  Apparently he had a rough day, his mom had picked him up and taken him shopping and dropped him off at home.  She tried to ask him what had happened and he continued to cut her off.

Cool.  What a masculine trade-off.  Turns out in the end she wasn't alone at all.  She was worse.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Brunch and Growth

"IL and I just talked about how I need to get up from the table, and that's what I did.  And I honestly feel amazing right now.  I'm getting enough space to myself, enough sleep.  I don't have to worry about him as much even though I still do because I'll always care about him, it's just a weight lifted."

"That is so amazing!" He friend exclaimed.  "Seriously, people in my group at work never get to this point in their lives, and I want to like, bring you in for a talk or something."

"You should bring in IL, she's the one who got me this far.  I wouldn't have been able to see things without her shedding a light on them."

It was nice to talk about how content she was despite not being entirely happy with her apartment.  Things were rough all over, and it looked like they really didn't have a choice about staying in the place for another year.  Anywhere else was going to be more expensive, and better the devil you know when it came to a lack of home repairs.

"You look amazing" her friend said to her.  "I always wanted you and KSL to get together, but maybe this is always the way it was meant to be for you two.  Leaning on each other without having romance cloud judgement or let it become something that gets weaponized in the heat of an argument."

"We are weird together.  It's like, a practice relationship.  Things that I would normally do that I know aren't healthy, I can draw boundaries without fear of loss of love, because he never loved me to begin with.  I'm learning lots of lessons that I need to learn.  There are times that I wish there was more, and times when I wish there was far less.  I think it's been good for both of us, but honestly who knows what goes through his head.  All I have is myself, and I'm only responsible for my own actions.  It's always something I keep in mind now.  Instead of playing a victim, instead I think about how to change myself to get the outcome I need.  So far, it's working."