Wednesday, July 18, 2018

The Sinus Infection

Seething hatred for herself.  So weak.  She continued to beat herself up as she felt herself slip further and further into fatigue and self-doubt.

A headache had started days ago, and it ebbed and flowed through her cranium.  Just when she thought it was gone, it would return full force.  Everyone was too loud, everything too bright.  KSL sent her on an errand and she had to keep her sunglasses on in the store, it was too bright.  She was too fatigued and messed it all up.  KSL pretended like he wasn't upset about it, but clearly he was.

One of the actors said that his wife has lupus, so he understood that sometimes...really all the time, was constant pain.  Most of the time she could hide it, but it looked like she was having a harder time.

Maybe she should find another place.  Then KSL's friend could give away her dog and move in and then he'd be happy, and she could go back to not having to pretend 24/7 that she was okay.  He was clearly embarrassed by her, or still just too worried about what people would think.  His movie night was a scary movie, and she didn't mean to be scooting towards him but she was tired, therefore weak, therefore looking for someone to lean on.

If she'd been his ex, he would have snuggled with her.  If she'd been his friend, any other friend, he would have comforted her.

But she wasn't someone else.  She must be avoided at all costs, even if that meant giving up "his spot" on the couch.  Had she'd not been sick, weak...she wouldn't have bothered sitting by him at all.  Wouldn't had even been there.  She considered just going out and sleeping in her car, but she felt too sick.  She slept through most of the second movie in his spot, and continued to beat herself up through the next day as her headache worsened.

Monday, July 16, 2018

A Sinking Ship

KSL admitted a pattern of needy women in his life.  He had asked her why she had chosen to move in with him, and she had given him a long, well thought out answer.  They talked a lot about their issues as roommates, and how improvements could be made.  Eventually though, it had gotten late and KSL wanted to continue the conversation later.  She knew the chances of that happening were slim.

He had expressed several times that everyone cried on him; his mom, his friends, his past girlfriends.  So even when she was desperately upset after everything went down with Mel, she kept it to herself, or tried to.  KSL had become fairly empathetic himself and could always sense when something was wrong with her.

He was also having a stressful time with not having a car and directing a show along with work.  He put himself under a lot of pressure to succeed, and beat himself down whenever he felt like it wasn't working.

So she didn't cry on his shoulder.  She didn't ask for hugs she desperately needed.  She did without, so that he could catch a break from people leaning on him.  She continued to weather her own storm and hoped that sometime in the future, someone would be able to be there for her.

Friday, July 13, 2018

Facebook Memories

Social Media felt the need to remind her that it had been 2 years since she and her ex had publicly split.  Privately they had been apart for 4 months before that.

Why did it still haunt her every day?  Why did she feel like she'd made a mistake...every day?  Every night before bed, she was painfully reminded that this small bed now belonged to her, and it was not likely anyone would ever join her in it.  She longed for the feeling she had gotten the first time she was with Piz, when even in sleep he had reached out for her.

She and the ex were trying to get back to being friends even though it was still difficult.  One day when they were speaking he said he didn't want to start drama, but Mel had told someone that she had called them a word she didn't use lightly.  She hadn't said it, and her ex believed her, said he knew she wouldn't do something like that.  It was nice that someone still knew her in that way, knew that she was a good person without even having to really check with her.  He said he only brought it up because she deserved to know what was being said behind her back.

Her heart sank as she realized this meant that Mel wasn't keeping his mouth shut about much, and her ex must know about them.  She told him that she had already distanced herself from Mel, and now that action felt vindicated somehow, so it was okay.

She and the ex went to see a bad play together and had a drink afterwards, and it was a really nice time.  She forgot how much she missed having conversations with him.  He almost never looked at his phone throughout the evening, which was very unlike him.  Maybe he was finally growing up a little.  She was happy for him, and hoped that he was feeling better than she was.

Tuesday, July 10, 2018

One of Many Breaking Points

She hadn't been getting much sleep since her neighbor's had been letting their baby "cry it out" for weeks.  She'd made a joke on social media about calling CPS that had backfired spectacularly.  All her new parent friends didn't see it as a joke and got slightly aggressive.

Her mental health still wasn't where it should have been, and she didn't know why.  She didn't ever know what she was doing differently so she could fix it.

One of KSL's friends was at the apartment having a heart to heart with KSL, and she got a little sucked in, trying to help.

The girl was having a hard time with her living situation, and said to KSL "I wish I had gotten to move in with you.  We are so similar, we are the same level of clean and we like all the same would have been perfect."  She sat on the couch and sobbed into KSL's chest.

"I didn't know you were looking for anything..." KSL answered.  Her logically brain knew he was saying this and meant it, but her emotions told her that in that moment he would have jumped ship if he could.  Her irrational heart told her that she was in the way, again, of someone's happiness.  Why had she been selfish enough to room up with someone when she clearly deserved to be alone forever.  Hell, maybe she should take her mom up on her offer to just buy her a house so that she'd be out of everyone's way.

She knew she needed to go somewhere to be cheered up.  She didn't really have close friends any longer, so she found herself at Mel's bar.  His greeting to her was lacking in any real feelings, and her irrational mind took over once more.  What was she even doing with him besides wasting both of their times?  She felt empty when she was with him now.  They had started this to just have fun and be casual...and it was coming up on a year and it was starting to feel terrible for her.

The next morning she texted him to tell him it was over.  She wanted it all to be over.

Friday, July 6, 2018

The Death of Love

She had quickly discovered that by not helping, actively not taking action...made it even obvious how totally alone she was.

She talked to a friend who was one of those types that were always looking for the ultimate love, and frustrated that it didn't come in bulk at her local corner store.

She couldn't give her false hope or say that there was someone out there for her, because in all honesty...she wasn't quite sure that was true anymore.

Maybe the idea of love is so prominent in movies and shows because it is actually rare.  It's not for everyone.  Just like not everyone is rich, maybe not everyone gets love.

All those people that stick around for years on the dating sites she kept coming back to weren't finding love.  Neither was she.  The more and more she thought about it, it was possible she never actually had it.

She had friends that had found it, she knew it existed.  Maybe it was just luck on their part.

It was getting her down.  She spent an afternoon on the couch, being quiet and decompressing.  She'd had hardly any time to herself and thought that it was possible that her depression was coming from not a lot of alone time.

The depression continued for the next month.  She stopped writing, stopped caring about anything.

Monday, June 11, 2018


"In al-anon, which is really control freaks anonymous, there's a rule:  Suggest something one time and you're being helpful, suggest something two times and you're being controlling; suggest something three times and you're being manipulative."  IL texted to her.  It stopped her in her tracks.

She and KSL had been at odds.  They both had a hard time accepting help, but wanted to give it to others.  She had tearfully exclaimed that "I don't know what you want from me!" One night after having words with each other.  They had both not been in a great mental place, and tensions had just been high after he had lost his car.

IL had given her so much perspective on how all she wanted to do was be helpful, but it was turning into a problem.  She was constantly explaining how she was trying her best not to give a fuck.

It was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do.  She felt like she was being torn apart, not being true to who she was.

"Just remember," her sister said to her, "other people's happiness or comfort isn't your responsibility.  I'm still learning this one a bit."

She felt like she would be learning it her whole life.  Her #1 love language was Acts of Service.  She felt like she was no longer allowed to love anyone.  She was beginning to wonder if love even really existed.

Friday, June 1, 2018

All Doped Up

KSL had hurt his back later in that first week.  He'd asked her if she had anything stronger than her normal painkillers.  She hesitated, realizing she was anticipating something bad happening to her and had hung onto the last of the pain meds from her tonsils.  Clearly he needed it more.

He finished it all off the first day, and he came home the next day very drunk and with a baggie full of prescription painkillers from his brother.  She was a little concerned on how he had made it home in his condition, but he seemed to be fine.

He was happy drunk, her favorite version of him.  Nameless had joked to her to keep her roommate drunk and she'd never have a problem, because she was tolerable when everyone else was drunk.  She knew he'd been joking, but in every joke there was a grain of truth.  She'd been upset and uptight, and it must have been hard on him.

Right that moment however, he was drunk-jovial even in his intense pain.  He made himself a drink and busied himself in the kitchen while demanding to know how the wedding went.  She went through her realization story as he continued to interrupt her with his own evening.  A heart to heart with his brother, drinking games with his friends.  He told her to follow him into his room, as he stripped down to his underwear to get into his PJs.  Even though she'd seen him in less it felt wrong and she glanced toward his closet as his clothing got stripped down, only looking back over at him once he had something on.  He insisted she come in and sit on the bed and talked to him while his meds kicked in, since the love sac was currently covered in his clothes.

The conversation got very deep and meaningful, and she knew that meant he was so far gone he wouldn't remember most or all of it.  Even as relaxed as he was, his self-doubt and low self esteem crept into the subject matter.  He made mention that he was glad she "lowered herself" enough to be roommates with him.  She reminded him that she wouldn't have put herself in this position with just anyone, he was exactly one of two people that she would have lived with.

"Yeah, but clearly you don't have feelings, or never did have feelings for me, otherwise this," he gestured to their hilariously flawed apartment, "would never have happened."

She was a little hurt, but having to explain to someone who wouldn't remember made it a little easier.  "It's called compartmentalizing buddy."

He furrowed his brow and said "Compartmentalizing?  'Splain."

"We've been over this dude.  A long time ago.  You know exactly what feelings were there for me.  You made it clear they were not reciprocated.  So I wrapped the feelings up, put them in a box, and shoved them in the closet."

He seemed sad and said he was sorry that this situation had made her have to put away her feelings.

"It wasn't this situation, it was just life.  It IS just life.  I would have had to do it anyway, regardless of living situation.  It's okay."

He threw his arms out and gave her a puppy dog look, wanting a hug.  She didn't want pity from him and resisted, but he told her to bring it in.  The limp hug made it clear the medication was working and it was time for him to pass out.  She kissed him on the forehead, turned off his light, and closed the door.