Thursday, December 31, 2015

Auld Lang Syne

The year was ending on a high note, one that was a long time coming.  She had interviewed for a job in marketing, and ended up being interviewed for another job in the same building once they realized she was there.  She got hired for the second job, which was the same pay and benefits, just more administrative work.

The day after orientation she got a call from the first job offering it up to her.  Per their words, "The other one didn't work out." What could have happened in less than 24 hours she'll never really know, but she suspected that the girl had lied, as she got a text indicating they had contacted her prior employer.

It was the only job she had applied for that she wanted in months, and she was thrilled to see the light at the end of her tunnel.  It would be making enough so that she could pay for an apartment, which she was already searching for.  By March, she should be out of her mothers house and onto a better life.

In the shower this morning she found herself looking back on this hard year.  It was ending with an amazing job opportunity that she hoped would sustain her for life.

Happy New Year Penny.  You tried your best.  Next year should be better.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Putting a Band-Aid on a Bullet Hole

She got a phone call from a news station inviting her to come in and interview.  Getting the part time, paying hardly anything job would mean she would have to give up her stage manager position and not be able to take any more for the foreseeable future. 

But it would hopefully lead to a better position at the station that would be more of what she wanted out of a job.  That might be years away.  In the meantime, she would be stuck in her mothers house, barely making ends meet, if at all.

The BFF didn't even know about the interview, because she hadn't gotten a chance to tell her.  Whenever the BFF called it was to complain about her own life and not ask anything else.

If she did get this job, it would be putting a band-aid on a bullet hole, but she would have to accept it if it came.  At this point she was considering applying for food stamps, as unemployment had still not gotten back to her, and she was getting desperate.

Sunday, December 20, 2015


The Christmas party was fine.  BW said she was being a little whiny...twice.  Maybe that was all that was bothering her, but the depression weighed heavy the next day.

She had to get it together for the husband's Christmas party later.  Her mother forgetting what she said a minute after she said it wasn't helping.  She knew people would miss her if she was gone, but today...she didn't care.  She didn't want to be (t)here.

Saturday, December 19, 2015

Anna Karenina in 2015

The 2012 version of Anna Karenina had found it's way to Netflix streaming.  She felt like it was a piece of art, with everything taking place on the stage and in the audience.  She loved the ballet of the movement and the odd society ways that society thinks they've outgrown.

The line that really sticks is when someone is asked if they will call on Anna after the scandal becomes public, stating it wasn't like she broke the law.  The lady replies "I'd call on her if she'd only broken the law.  But she broke the rules."

There was a girl...a woman actually, only a year younger than herself.  She had gone to LA and changed her name, gotten a few acting gigs, but then decided to come back home.  She started her own local theatre company, and rented out other spaces to do her performances. 

The thing was, she almost always casts herself as the lead and her boyfriend as the male lead.  As it was her theatre company, that was her prerogative. However everyone in the community seemed to hate her for it.  The BFF especially didn't like her.  Was it because she was successful and knew how to market herself?  "She really knows how to self-promote" BW said about her with a tiny bit of disdain.  She was talked about this way in the community. 

She was successful, but people were resentful.  Why?  Because she was doing what they couldn't accomplish?  She could sell out every show and do good PR work, but the entire community looked at her as if she was Anna Karenina.  They spoke about her behind her back although she had done nothing but get what she wanted in life.  Well, Anna cheated on her husband so it's not a perfect comparison.  She was still being treated as if she had done something horrible.

Society likes to think they have evolved since 1877, but the similarities are very strong.

Wednesday, December 16, 2015

Altered States

Was she being overly sensitive?  A question she asks herself more often than not after finding out that she was a HSP.  After the slight at her blog last week, then him smoking himself into oblivion again last night, she felt that there was something going on with him. 

The thought started as her being completely selfish. Why would he want to smoke into a stuper instead of actually hanging out with her and the BFF?  It's like they weren't enough, like he didn't trust himself to be himself anymore.  Which is what lead to the thought that maybe he was just unhappy. 

Just as she was thinking of this she got a text from him.  She took it as a sign and asked him if anything was wrong, as he seemed distracted and preoccupied. He texted back "I'm fine.  I'm just trying to plan the trip I'm going on with my buddy from New York.  Everything is fine.  Trying to maintain that balance between involvement and free time as usual.  Thank you for asking though. :-)"

"Let me know if there is anything I can do." She responded.  That was basically all she could do.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Year Anniversary

It had been a year since moving back to her hometown.  In some ways her old life felt like a dream, but it also didn't seem like it had been a year.

She spent most of the day commemorating the day by getting sick due to her untimely uterus shedding.  She suddenly craved donuts, so her and the husband went to go get some.  She had one, he had three.  One was enough, her sugar craving had been dulled.

She wished that she could have thought about where she had come from in the last year...but she was in too much pain to care.

Friday, December 11, 2015

Heart Iced Over

" blog, that no one reads."  She finished up her sentence, something that was important to her.

"If you wrote a blog about smoking herb, I'd read it."  He replied.

It kicked her right in-between the gut.  She knew he didn't mean it as badly as it came out, but how she took it was "Write about something I'm interested in, and I might read it."  Wouldn't you want to support your friends, read whatever they wrote about?  She read his entire blog without him having to ask her.

He proceeded to get completely baked and become a vegetable the rest of the night, further upsetting her.  It was as if he didn't realize that when he smoked he became...a real drag.  Literally and Figuratively.

Maybe she was being too sensitive.  Maybe it was just because of how she was raised, but she felt his behavior was disrespectful.  The best he could offer was his friendship, and they didn't see each other that often any more.  So when it was just his body that was present instead of his was insulting.  It hurt her feelings.  She wasn't good enough to be present for.  Maybe for anyone.

Wednesday, December 9, 2015


Cleaning out the storage unit was a job she decided to give herself to distract from the fact that she was seemingly unemployable. She'd taken two trips to the donation place, combined several boxes together, and overall gotten rid of lots of things. 

As it got too cold to continue inside the storage unit, she realized she was separating the boxes into his stuff and her stuff.  She only realized that when she came across a candle her mom had given them for their wedding.  It was two figures that melded into one.  They were supposed to light it to remind them that they were becoming one, on their wedding day.  Somehow it had gotten left behind on the way to the wedding, and they had never actually burned it. 

She walked it over to the car to donate, then stopped about a foot short and looked at it.  There wasn't much left from the wedding, even their album had become wrecked after their best man's death.  Her husband had ripped off the photo with him in it to scan, then never returned it to it's place.  It had gotten lost in her mother's hoarder house, possibly never to be seen again.

She walked the candle back to the box, then decided there was nothing to do with an old candle that she clearly wasn't going to burn.  She walked back to the car, again coming short.  Her logical brain couldn't find a reason to keep this candle.  Even her emotions couldn't find a reason right now...yet in the end she returned it back to the original box.

It was a "His" box.

Sunday, December 6, 2015


BW said to her "Do you really enjoy going to Yoga with TM teaching it?"

She replied, "TM runs a really good program.  He's a little too Uber Namaste for my taste, and sometimes he doesn't explain the poses well.  He actually does Shavasana for like 10, 15 minutes at the end.  It's a little too much time sometimes, but it's my alone time so I'm good."

Even though she was driving, she could feel the sarcastic eyebrow raise coming from BW.  "The only time you are alone is in a room full of people doing yoga?"

"I live with three other people and two cats, one of which has an attachment problem.  Someone is always home, always wanting something from me, or I’m putting pressure on myself to find a job or always be doing something else.   During Shavasana it’s like that scene from Hit and Run…I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

Later she wondered what exactly Shavasana meant, and looked it up.  Literally translated, it is “corpse pose.”

Turns out the only happy time she had when she was playing dead.