Friday, November 27, 2015

My Favorite Mistake

Before Catfishing was a real thing, she lied about her age on the internet.  She rationalized that she was taking college courses despite being a junior in high school, so she was really just stretching the truth when she said she was in college.  She WAS in college, just...part time and semi-illegally.

He was her constant, her best friend.  She eventually came clean with him, and he was forgiving.  She hadn't lied about anything else, and neither had he.  They met in person years later, him doing the cool guy lean against a parking meter on the Haight, her chiding him immediately for hiding his face when meeting someone from the internet.  There shared everything with each other, not only that light but for years afterward.  He never judged her or pushed her to be something she wasn't.  He was the only one in her life that accepted her exactly as she was.  Was it because he didn't have to see her everyday?  Maybe.

Her good friend said that he had a crush on her in college.  She didn't believe he did, because he never made a move or brought it up in conversation.  When you had the computer to buffer, you say all kinds of things that you wouldn't be able to in person.  But it put it into her head, and she was worried.  She didn't want to ruin the relationship.  He was her Yes Man.  He validated her choices in a way no one else ever did.

Then, years ago, he decided to drop off the face of the earth.  He got married and didn't tell her about it until afterwards.  No one knew what he was up to anymore, but she missed him, now more than ever.  She was doubting herself in ways that she never had.  She needed her friend back.

It entered her mind that not pursuing a relationship with him might have been a mistake.  She imaged how her life would have been with him.  He was never going to make big money, but he would have made her a priority and made sure she was taken care of.  He would have made sure that she felt loved everyday, telling her that even when they were apart they were under the same moon.  She would have lived in the bay area like she always wanted, stayed close to home.  Maybe he was her favorite mistake.

Thursday, November 19, 2015

Extra Firm

It had been a rough day.

Her husband had agreed to buying KSL's King size bed to replace their horrible California King.  Ever since moving something was wrong with the bed.  They tried rotating it, but she still felt like she was sleeping in a hole.  Along with everything else going on, not sleeping was not helping her mental state. Her husband didn't really seem to care.

Once she called upon him to get the money for the bed, he found fault in the plan.  They went back and forth about the space or how he would be uncomfortable with a shorter bed.  She ended up contacting KSL and saying that she couldn't take the bed.

She had a moment of crisis after he left.  Was she being too sensitive about the situation, where he didn't care about her comfort, or at least not above his own?  She felt as if she was no longer a priority in his life.  She wondered if it was because she asked for money.  When it was reversed, he wasn't willing to share?  Was this going to end up being the deal breaker?  Would she feel like she was making a mistake if she asked him to leave?  Would he even care?

She still loved him, but she no longer felt any love in return.

Friday, November 13, 2015


She had a plan.  Just because she was unemployed did not mean she was at everyone's beck and call.  She wanted to do two loads of laundry, take a quick shower, and meet BW at his coffee shop and see if she could network and look for jobs on her laptop.  If she didn't set up plans like this, she'd never get out of the house and slip further into depression.

When she went to put the first load in the dryer, she found leftover clothes in the dryer her husband had left.  Wrinkled.  It would set her schedule back 30 minutes.  She was annoyed, but threw the dryer on and waited to fluff this unknown third load.  If she didn't get this done during the week, her mother would get angry that they were flooding the septic tank with too much water.

After the husband did some last minute plan canceling on her, she was almost on her way.  Her mother had texted earlier to say that she needed her tires pumped, and would she come over with her pump.  She told her that she could come by three pm but not before.  Then mom passive aggressively said she would take care of it herself.

Right as she was going to get the last load of laundry, her mother called.  She was on her way home and would be there in 3 minutes.  Could she get out the pump and do it now?  Did she have a choice?  Did her time mean nothing to the people around her?

She ended up being an hour late meeting BW.  His coffee shop had the owners hanging around and was extremely busy.  She was sure it would have been fine an hour earlier.  She was so mad on the way that she used some essential oils that were supposed to be used for headaches.  It had an adverse affect much like benadryl and she got sleepy the rest of the day.  She didn't even mind that BW didn't want to hang out but instead drop off some of his own resumes.

She went home, had a swig of tequila and sat at the table to eat her sandwich.  Her husband saw she was still upset and asked if there was anything he could do.

"The laundry." She replied.

Thursday, November 12, 2015

Snow Covered Moments

She dropped her head onto his shoulder briefly, letting go of her anxiety in that few seconds. They were in the darkened theatre waiting for the BFF to come back and the Apple Guy movie to start.  She knew without speaking that he would understand she just needed a moment of quiet, and he did.  He let her breathe into the moment, and in the silence let her know he was there with her.  It was only once she raised her head that he asked her how everything was going.  "The same."

She succeeded in not letting herself rest on him again that night.  He'd given her enough in that little moment to move onto her next one.

While driving home she admired the ivory peaks and valleys of the city.  The moon wasn't out, yet the snow covered mountains were still visible in the darkness of the late night. The pinnacles hung at the edges of town like a ghostly fairy tale.

Friday, November 6, 2015

Beaucoup de la Mort

"How to Spot an INFJ."  It was a photo that PJ sent her out of the blue.  The first bullet point was "Asks if you are okay more times in five minutes than you've ever been asked in your entire life" and the last bullet point was "I know you better than you know yourself."

She was at a pretty deep point in her depression at that point.  She knew that she wasn't understood, appreciated, or respected.  By anyone.  The one who was supposed to love her the most asked her for money.  She tried to reach out to her husband with her pain, and was met with silence.  She was all but accused of bumming him out.  She wanted to just disappear.

She didn't eat because that cost money that she didn't have.  It became a game for her, how long she could go without eating.  A day and a half was her record.  She'd lost three pounds.  So that was a bonus.

PJ once again saved her self esteem, respect, everything.  If he thought she was worthwhile, then maybe it was okay.

She dragged herself to his one act play downtown, and ended up going by herself after BW flaked out.  She stayed afterwards and she and PJ walked down the street to retrieve a stray glove, forgotten before the show.  Fall had gone quickly this year, and they could see their breath as they talked about her problems.  Then they talked about his problems, as the chill crept into her cheeks. It amazed her how he could keep her attention though extreme temperatures.

He mentioned that AB was starting rehearsals for a show soon, so he would have more free time to hang out with her.  She looked forward to it, cold nose and all.

Thursday, November 5, 2015

Write and Wrong

With everything else going on, it was easy to see how she was over-reacting to every situation.  BW had told her that TM had rejected one of her photos for a set up they were doing just because it was hers.  Because she would have wanted to be credited for it.

She was so torn about what do to about TM.  He was young, and not as intelligent as he thought himself to be.  Young was the perfect word for him.  Life had treated him nicely despite his opinion of how downtrodden he thought he was.

He'd been coddled by a lot of people, and for too long.  In doing that he had elevated himself to a place in the community that getting on his bad side was unwise, and she found herself there.  She didn't feel the need to apologize more than she already had in regards to the situation.  She shouldn't have to smooth things over when she was in the right.

She still felt isolated and alone in the community, and felt like this was the nail in her coffin.  Maybe she was never meant to make friends or fit in anywhere.  She was tired and wanted to stop trying.

She thought of Alessia Cara's "Here" as a friend had said it reminded them of her.  The more she listened to it, the more she identified with it.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015


23 applications later and she was still out of work and stressed out.  She no longer had anything to look forward to in life.

She had some weird feelings about the end of the show.  It came at a terrible time with her losing her job, and there was a lot of emotion attached to it.  It hadn't been an enjoyable process due to other people's bad attitudes.  PJ had thrown a fit early on because his job made him late and he couldn't handle his anger.  It made for an awkward rehearsal.  Then the director started falling apart emotionally.  A few weeks later the director's boyfriend broke up with her and she was at a loss, crying all the time.  The director hadn't been directing before, and she really bailed out after that.  She brought in a friend who undermined training they had gotten from a professional.  It was a great show despite all the offstage drama, but it hadn't lived up to it's potential, and she'd felt helpless against it.  Her BFF had been cranky through the whole process, and it just ruined it.  She hadn't really bonded with anyone, but she was so close.

She didn't feel like anyone had become her friend or gotten to know her.  Then one of the actors was asked to stage manage the next show.  She felt unwanted, unneeded, useless.  Now that she didn't have a job, the rest of her life was empty and meaningless.

Then the husband asked her for $20 after she had been out of work and was upset when she said she didn't have it, and then upset that she didn't have it in cash.

She was drowning slowly.