Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Getting Up From the Table

"That sounds like a toxic living situation for the both of you." IL said.  "Mama, you ain't kidding" She replied.

After 24 hours she had finally calmed down and started to think rationally.  KSL didn't set out to have a tryst deliberately to spite her when she was grieving.  But she did obviously feel slighted, and she needed to explore that.

She had been pushed to yet another brink.  Why?  What was missing that was causing her to be so emotional about this?

She took stock of how she felt.  She was stretched thin, she felt it.  After some thought she realized it was because she gave too much of herself without any sign that it made any difference.

She didn't get enough sleep because she stayed up watching movies with KSL, and then had to get up an hour earlier to drop him off from work.  He wasn't making enough money so she was not requiring him to do the things he'd normally do, like pay for every other tank of gas.  Her car was showing the wear and tear of 9 months of driving across town multiple times a day.  She knew soon it would get expensive and time consuming and she didn't have enough money to get a down payment or have a car payment again.

She was stressed.  She was putting herself, her health, at risk for things that he was just taking for granted, and wouldn't even miss if they were gone.

So then why was she doing it?  She swore she'd never again keep setting herself on fire just to keep someone warm.  It was bullshit.

"I'm sorry that I came at you the way that I did," she started.  "I realized that the reason I reacted was somethings that I needed to change, so I'm going to tell you about them."

"I've set an alarm on my phone for 10:15.  When it goes off we need to wrap up whatever we are doing and I need alone time."

Later she had told him she could no longer drive him to work after the second week in March.  The new office that he could walk to should have been ready at the beginning of March, so 2 weeks longer seemed more than fair.  She knew she'd become angry and resentful after that point in time.

She could only change her, and her reaction to things.  It was time to take control of that.

Wednesday, January 16, 2019


Her ex had called, which he never did.  She answered because his father had just died, and she thought he could really use a friend.  As it turned out, their shared cat had died while he was away taking care of his dad.  It had broken him, and he cried to her over the phone.  She asked if he wanted her to come over, but he had to go to bed soon as he needed to work early.

KSL asked her what she needed directly after the phone call.  She was both numb and feeling everything at once, and she answered honestly that there was nothing he could do right now.  There was nothing anyone could do...she'd just lost her last father figure.

People started showing up for KSL's movie night, and the more people arrived the more her anxiety level rose.  KSL was busy cooking and entertaining, and she tried to hang out in the common area, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer.  It would not be fair to commander KSL's night, so she decided leaving was best.  She decided it so fast that she found herself on the other side of her front door with nowhere to go. 

After a few panicked texts, she ended up safe at Goldie's house.  She managed to get her emotions under control, and then she got a text from KSL that said that everyone was about to clear out, and it was "safe" for her to return home and not be overwhelmed with people. 

An hour later she returned to a not-so empty home.  KSL was in his room, but his ex's shoes and purse were still by the door, and her phone lay face-up on the coffee table.  They were talking, loudly, and laughing occasionally.  As she got some water from the kitchen, it quickly became apparent that they were starting to have sex.

It stung.  She felt disrespected.  He'd promised her a safe place to come home too, and delivered the exact opposite.  The juxtaposition of her grief and having to listen to the extremely loud sex grated on her psyche in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time.  It felt personal.  It felt like an attack on her.  He had led her to this situation, and soon enough she saw nothing but red.

The escapades lasted for 4+ hours.  She got more angry the longer it went on.  He knew she had plans early the next morning, and it felt like he was deliberately doing this to her.

She finally got 2 hours of sleep, woke up, and sent him a very long text.  "As a friend, especially after how much of my emotional state I've shared with you as of late, it was extra hurtful to have to listen to you having sex with her while experiencing grief.  It showed me that you are more willing to follow what makes your dick hard instead of being a respectful friend.  But hey, you finally did it.  You've finally convinced me, after 8 months of insisting, that you are garbage."

She told him she needed a full 24 hours before speaking on the matter, and preferred not to see him in that time frame.  She had a lot of calming down to do.

Friday, January 11, 2019

It Gets Better***

***but first it gets worse.

She was in such a hurry to get into her appointment at the doctor that she forgot her phone in the car.

Now she was stuck waiting around without distraction.  She pulled out a pen and started writing everything that was happening as a way to distract her.
  • Nothing like forgetting your phone when you have a 2 hour doctor's appointment.
  • That is pretty stressful, and you could use a distraction.
  • I could be shopping for shoes online, but instead I'm writing on the back of a $200 receipt.  All because I like to keep my phone in my cup holder.  Cool cool
  • They've called two "Samantha's" and and two "Julia's" and the wrong one always stands up first.  There has to be a psychological reason behind that.
  • Aaand there goes the 3rd Samantha.
  • Ultrasound @9, IUD Insert at 10:20.  This is the worst day to have bad gas but here we are.
  • There are 3 sections of the waiting area at the OBGYN: With Kids, without kids, and the Undecideds.  It's this wacky Woman's Only West Side Story.
  • The Have-Nots hate that the Have's children break the silence of the waiting room.
  • They still have their Xmas tree up.  Ugh.
  • 9;39 am: Ultrasound done.  Waiting to see if they can get me in for the IUD sooner.  The tech was super chatty and nice and her energy put me at ease.  It was kinda cool to see my uterus.  It looks really small.
  • All they have in this waiting room is parenting mags.  Ugh.
  • And parents.  And one Have-Not refuses to move from her middle seat so a family can't sit together.
  • 9:48 am: My blood pressure is "faint" and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
  • Here we go...
 They finally called her in and she was waiting, trying her hardest not to be nervous.  She knew once this was over, there was the next 6 months to try her best not to panic.
The procedure was not pleasant, and she actually exclaimed "ouchie" at one point, but in about 45 seconds it was over.

On the way home, the cramps started, and continued for the next 40 days.