"I wasn't lost in space, I was lost in time. All the times I'd travel that same path, or a similar one. I lost touch with time and that's why I needed an anchor."
All she had to say to PJ was this, and he understood, got why she left early when she was high for the first time. Now that she'd gotten high a couple of times by herself she was able to piece it together.
"That's what I love the most about it. The things that I don't want to do; work, social obligations...they can take as long as they need to. But being home, being with AB and the dogs...I want that to last longer, which is why I puff. To make those moments last longer."
She smiled. "That's what I hate most about it. I got lost going home, it was all taking too long. I don't want anything to take that long."
She was finding her way, however. Sometimes it was the way that it changed everything else that brought the allure of getting high. One day she went to get the signature drink with KSL and they took it home. She offered him an edible, and they sat on the couch and watched a movie. She didn't feel the usual pressure to "enjoy" the movie the way he usually wanted her to, checking on her reactions out of the corner of his eye. He might have still been doing it, but she no longer cared. It was easier, nicer to deal with him when they were both high.
There were still certain things that she didn't feel the need to "extend" her time on and didn't end up eating edibles regularly, but they had their place.
Showing posts with label PJ. Show all posts
Showing posts with label PJ. Show all posts
Friday, November 9, 2018
Wednesday, October 24, 2018
Go Ask Alice?
"Okay, so the bathroom is down the hall. There's a spare bedroom if you need it, don't feel like you will need to go home tonight, you are welcome for as long as you want to stay. Always, not just tonight."
She smiled at PJ. He had been wanting this evening since the moment that they met and he found out that she'd never gotten high. She thought back to that night where she'd gotten a contact high from him and told him to calm down about the $20 they were charging him at the drive through. He thought she was going to love it, maybe almost too much. Like he did.
He was making a pizza, had 4 different kinds of snacks, and for dessert he had bought them all ice cream sandwiches, and regular ice cream. If she got the munchies...well she was more than covered.
He showed her how to work the couch recliner, and they had an edible and he "puffed" a little as well in the garage. They went back in the house and talked about life, what had been going on, the experiences she'd had being a roommate now. It seemed like everything she said or did got blown up on an epic scale and turned against her, twisted into a totally different meaning until she ended up apologizing for something that had made her upset in the first place. It was like extreme gaslighting, and she was getting tired of it.
An hour passed and she stated she didn't really feel any different. PJ had advised her to just shout out what she was feeling as it happened and enjoy the experience.
"Well," she said, "Everyone has their stories about how they did too much the first time, lets just try another one."
PJ again offered up their spare bedroom in case she felt like she couldn't move later, and another trip to the garage and they were back in the house. 10 minutes after that she said she felt heavy, like a whoosh of base suddenly happened in an empty movie theater.
"It's like that moment where you just realized you had one drink too many, and you should stop." She vaguely remembered going out to the garage a second time, but refusing to have any more.
She pulled out the couch recliner and laid in it, and PJ turned on some comedian sketch show on Netflix and they watched a few episodes. She got really tired and faded in and out, napping through most of the show. AB left the room after one creeped her out, but returned soon after. AB and PJ went to the garage to puff more, and it felt like they were gone forever. She became uncomfortable and stood up, and felt like she was just tired. It was time to go home.
Once they came back inside she said her goodbyes, saying she was just tired but thank you for hosting her. PJ made her come out to the garage one last time and wrapped up 3 edibles to take home with her to try on her own.
She got into her car and decided to not take the freeway home, figuring it would be easier in her tired state.
Each light took forever to change, and she got more and more anxious to be in her own space, in her own room. She was going the speed limit, but it felt so incredibly slow. She started to forget where she was in her journey in-between stoplights. Soon, she was lost in-between them, in the dark. The dark stretched on forever and she became overwhelmed with all the streetlights out and only seeing into the dark. She was never going to make it home, and started to panic, tears streaming down her face. She cried in-between three stop lights, but finally made it home.
She'd left her water bottle at AB and PJ's house by accident, so she was incredibly thirsty. KSL had dishes in both sides of the sink so she couldn't get to the filter to get water. She painstakingly emptied the dishwasher, being careful so she didn't break a dish in her state, and finally got her glass filled. KSL commented that it took her a full 45 minutes to unload that dishwasher, and she shot him a dirty look and replied that she wouldn't have had to if SOMEONE hadn't had the sink full. She then proceeded to sit in a chair across the room, and KSL said "You don't have to sit over there. You can come sit on the couch."
She couldn't do it. She couldn't handle the mind games while high, she couldn't take the guilt of where she even sat in her own apartment. "Look," KSL said kindly, "I know you are high for the first time and I just want you to be comfortable, sit wherever you want."
She stood up, and without breaking eye contact walked past him into her room and shut the door.
She smiled at PJ. He had been wanting this evening since the moment that they met and he found out that she'd never gotten high. She thought back to that night where she'd gotten a contact high from him and told him to calm down about the $20 they were charging him at the drive through. He thought she was going to love it, maybe almost too much. Like he did.
He was making a pizza, had 4 different kinds of snacks, and for dessert he had bought them all ice cream sandwiches, and regular ice cream. If she got the munchies...well she was more than covered.
He showed her how to work the couch recliner, and they had an edible and he "puffed" a little as well in the garage. They went back in the house and talked about life, what had been going on, the experiences she'd had being a roommate now. It seemed like everything she said or did got blown up on an epic scale and turned against her, twisted into a totally different meaning until she ended up apologizing for something that had made her upset in the first place. It was like extreme gaslighting, and she was getting tired of it.
An hour passed and she stated she didn't really feel any different. PJ had advised her to just shout out what she was feeling as it happened and enjoy the experience.
"Well," she said, "Everyone has their stories about how they did too much the first time, lets just try another one."
PJ again offered up their spare bedroom in case she felt like she couldn't move later, and another trip to the garage and they were back in the house. 10 minutes after that she said she felt heavy, like a whoosh of base suddenly happened in an empty movie theater.
"It's like that moment where you just realized you had one drink too many, and you should stop." She vaguely remembered going out to the garage a second time, but refusing to have any more.
She pulled out the couch recliner and laid in it, and PJ turned on some comedian sketch show on Netflix and they watched a few episodes. She got really tired and faded in and out, napping through most of the show. AB left the room after one creeped her out, but returned soon after. AB and PJ went to the garage to puff more, and it felt like they were gone forever. She became uncomfortable and stood up, and felt like she was just tired. It was time to go home.
Once they came back inside she said her goodbyes, saying she was just tired but thank you for hosting her. PJ made her come out to the garage one last time and wrapped up 3 edibles to take home with her to try on her own.
She got into her car and decided to not take the freeway home, figuring it would be easier in her tired state.
Each light took forever to change, and she got more and more anxious to be in her own space, in her own room. She was going the speed limit, but it felt so incredibly slow. She started to forget where she was in her journey in-between stoplights. Soon, she was lost in-between them, in the dark. The dark stretched on forever and she became overwhelmed with all the streetlights out and only seeing into the dark. She was never going to make it home, and started to panic, tears streaming down her face. She cried in-between three stop lights, but finally made it home.
She'd left her water bottle at AB and PJ's house by accident, so she was incredibly thirsty. KSL had dishes in both sides of the sink so she couldn't get to the filter to get water. She painstakingly emptied the dishwasher, being careful so she didn't break a dish in her state, and finally got her glass filled. KSL commented that it took her a full 45 minutes to unload that dishwasher, and she shot him a dirty look and replied that she wouldn't have had to if SOMEONE hadn't had the sink full. She then proceeded to sit in a chair across the room, and KSL said "You don't have to sit over there. You can come sit on the couch."
She couldn't do it. She couldn't handle the mind games while high, she couldn't take the guilt of where she even sat in her own apartment. "Look," KSL said kindly, "I know you are high for the first time and I just want you to be comfortable, sit wherever you want."
She stood up, and without breaking eye contact walked past him into her room and shut the door.
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Climbing Out of the Pit
The fatigue continued to plague her throughout the run of the show. She used to have a hard time sleeping even in her own bed, but now she could fall asleep almost anywhere. She chalked it up to the sinus infection, the stress of work and the show and never being alone. She knew this fatigue was much worse than it had been before she had been on medication, but she pushed it aside and keep moving forward as best as she could.
It all came to a head the last night of the show. She got into a fight with KSL that took her to an edge she rarely went to. She raised her voice, talked over him because she was sick of being marginalized and was just all around over the situation. It was finally over so she felt herself spewing forth all the things she'd been holding back "for the sake of the show."
The next day she'd thought about her feelings and the situation and how it could be improved, and finally came upon a solution; she must stop caring about what he thought of her. She would never be able to help him, never be able to get to the level of caring that he needed.
So why try.
She had been hiding parts of who she was, 'dulling her shine' as PJ called it, and she was over it. She decided to be 100% who she was with reckless abandon from here on out. If she wanted to do something she'd do it, and she wouldn't if she wasn't feeling it. She had just freed herself two years ago, she wasn't about to hide herself away again so quickly.
She went about the day with her freedom, playing with the small plastic dinosaurs a cast member had gotten her every time she walked by. She finally had some time to herself to enjoy the easy, stress free life.
That night was KSL's movie night, and it seemed that only couples were showing up. At least it wasn't just going to be the awkwardness of KSL trying to canoodle with his ex, but then his ex didn't end up showing up. Mel's ex did however, but it wasn't awkward. She assumed that she was aware of their shared man but beautifully never brought it up or let it get in the way of their friendship. She was kind of an Angel.
Angel ended up snuggling up next to her, and the platonic affection was really nice. She cursed herself for being an empath as she noticed KSL get more and more agitated by the fact that he was the only one not cuddling with someone else. A passive aggressive tweet he sent out in the middle of the movie confirmed his feelings.
Angel hung back for a bit to talk, and then once she was out the door, she confronted KSL. "What's with the tweet buddy?" Then she realized he was drunk. He admitted as much, and hugged her and stated how he was just suddenly really lonely. Maybe it was just the couples, maybe it was the end of the show...but he was clearly upset.
The polar icecaps around her heart melted a bit towards him, and she said that they could cuddle on the couch and watch a couple of shows until he sobered up, then he could go to sleep. She had a bit to drink herself and wasn't going to bed anytime soon.
After an episode he went from having his arm around her to around the couch. She figured he'd sobered up enough that he was physically uncomfortable around her once again, and she prodded a bit on if he was 'over' the cuddle session. He insisted that he wasn't, but she commented it was basically her leaning into him and nothing more, and if that was going to be all there was then she could go back to her side of the couch.
"Okay fine, here, does this help?" He leaned over her and started kissing her.
Her heart dropped into her stomach. Tears stung her eyes but she managed to hold them back. Never before had she been so utterly sad to have someone kiss her, so used. He was lonely, and she was there. She was completely interchangeable from anyone else who could be sitting on that couch with him. Strange how a kiss can make you feel not special at all to the person currently kissing you.
She waited for him to notice that she wasn't kissing him back, until he finally stopped. "There, is that better?" He asked.
She dropped her head onto his chest and said "No. We aren't doing that buddy."
It all came to a head the last night of the show. She got into a fight with KSL that took her to an edge she rarely went to. She raised her voice, talked over him because she was sick of being marginalized and was just all around over the situation. It was finally over so she felt herself spewing forth all the things she'd been holding back "for the sake of the show."
The next day she'd thought about her feelings and the situation and how it could be improved, and finally came upon a solution; she must stop caring about what he thought of her. She would never be able to help him, never be able to get to the level of caring that he needed.
So why try.
She had been hiding parts of who she was, 'dulling her shine' as PJ called it, and she was over it. She decided to be 100% who she was with reckless abandon from here on out. If she wanted to do something she'd do it, and she wouldn't if she wasn't feeling it. She had just freed herself two years ago, she wasn't about to hide herself away again so quickly.
She went about the day with her freedom, playing with the small plastic dinosaurs a cast member had gotten her every time she walked by. She finally had some time to herself to enjoy the easy, stress free life.
That night was KSL's movie night, and it seemed that only couples were showing up. At least it wasn't just going to be the awkwardness of KSL trying to canoodle with his ex, but then his ex didn't end up showing up. Mel's ex did however, but it wasn't awkward. She assumed that she was aware of their shared man but beautifully never brought it up or let it get in the way of their friendship. She was kind of an Angel.
Angel ended up snuggling up next to her, and the platonic affection was really nice. She cursed herself for being an empath as she noticed KSL get more and more agitated by the fact that he was the only one not cuddling with someone else. A passive aggressive tweet he sent out in the middle of the movie confirmed his feelings.
Angel hung back for a bit to talk, and then once she was out the door, she confronted KSL. "What's with the tweet buddy?" Then she realized he was drunk. He admitted as much, and hugged her and stated how he was just suddenly really lonely. Maybe it was just the couples, maybe it was the end of the show...but he was clearly upset.
The polar icecaps around her heart melted a bit towards him, and she said that they could cuddle on the couch and watch a couple of shows until he sobered up, then he could go to sleep. She had a bit to drink herself and wasn't going to bed anytime soon.
After an episode he went from having his arm around her to around the couch. She figured he'd sobered up enough that he was physically uncomfortable around her once again, and she prodded a bit on if he was 'over' the cuddle session. He insisted that he wasn't, but she commented it was basically her leaning into him and nothing more, and if that was going to be all there was then she could go back to her side of the couch.
"Okay fine, here, does this help?" He leaned over her and started kissing her.
Her heart dropped into her stomach. Tears stung her eyes but she managed to hold them back. Never before had she been so utterly sad to have someone kiss her, so used. He was lonely, and she was there. She was completely interchangeable from anyone else who could be sitting on that couch with him. Strange how a kiss can make you feel not special at all to the person currently kissing you.
She waited for him to notice that she wasn't kissing him back, until he finally stopped. "There, is that better?" He asked.
She dropped her head onto his chest and said "No. We aren't doing that buddy."
Wednesday, May 30, 2018
BFF Wedding
The day of BFF's wedding had finally come.
She had been dreading it for weeks. If this wedding had come even a year later, she most likely would not have been invited. They were in a weird place where BFF most likely thought that she had to invite her, and she thought she had to come. Neither of them were adult enough to just admit that and not make it awkward for everyone involved.
JJ was supposed to be her date, but he bailed at the last minute, much like he had with being a moving buddy. KSL had turned his nose up at being a "plus one" and Mel had to work and would have only been able to duck in and out for the ceremony.
She decided to take her mother, which everyone else saw as sweet but she saw as pathetic. Dealing with the bad driving all the way up the mountain to the wedding site was whiplash worthy, and she relinquished control only when realizing she was going to have to parallel park.
The ceremony was sweet, but she still had this weird feeling that she shouldn't have been there at all. Just being a regular guest hurt her heart. She hadn't been asked to help or contribute, but it seems that SD seemed to be running the whole wedding. They had been friends for a long time, sure, but it started to really sink in as the night wore on that she'd lost her best friend and been invited to the wedding.
Not that BFF's groom was bad, in fact she had come to like him far more than BFF. She really enjoyed that he was supportive of everyone around him, and had a dark snarky quality that they shared.
Everyone was taking the mic and doing toasts, and she suddenly had the urge to go up there. She got emotional and knew there was no way she was going to be able to hold it together, so she held off.
Just before she left she approached them and told them she wasn't a people person, so she was going to toast them face to face now.
"When BFF and I first met, it was because she was a mutual friend of someone else's and I needed to check her out because I wanted to make sure she was good enough for him. Then we met and I told her she wasn't good enough for him. Then you came along, and I had to check to make sure you were good enough for her. And you are."
She got choked up, hugged them both, and left without saying goodbye to anyone.
She had been dreading it for weeks. If this wedding had come even a year later, she most likely would not have been invited. They were in a weird place where BFF most likely thought that she had to invite her, and she thought she had to come. Neither of them were adult enough to just admit that and not make it awkward for everyone involved.
JJ was supposed to be her date, but he bailed at the last minute, much like he had with being a moving buddy. KSL had turned his nose up at being a "plus one" and Mel had to work and would have only been able to duck in and out for the ceremony.
She decided to take her mother, which everyone else saw as sweet but she saw as pathetic. Dealing with the bad driving all the way up the mountain to the wedding site was whiplash worthy, and she relinquished control only when realizing she was going to have to parallel park.
The ceremony was sweet, but she still had this weird feeling that she shouldn't have been there at all. Just being a regular guest hurt her heart. She hadn't been asked to help or contribute, but it seems that SD seemed to be running the whole wedding. They had been friends for a long time, sure, but it started to really sink in as the night wore on that she'd lost her best friend and been invited to the wedding.
Not that BFF's groom was bad, in fact she had come to like him far more than BFF. She really enjoyed that he was supportive of everyone around him, and had a dark snarky quality that they shared.
Everyone was taking the mic and doing toasts, and she suddenly had the urge to go up there. She got emotional and knew there was no way she was going to be able to hold it together, so she held off.
Just before she left she approached them and told them she wasn't a people person, so she was going to toast them face to face now.
"When BFF and I first met, it was because she was a mutual friend of someone else's and I needed to check her out because I wanted to make sure she was good enough for him. Then we met and I told her she wasn't good enough for him. Then you came along, and I had to check to make sure you were good enough for her. And you are."
She got choked up, hugged them both, and left without saying goodbye to anyone.
Friday, May 25, 2018
Goodbye Art Pop Studio
"Breathe" KSL reminded her throughout the day.
She couldn't. She just needed to get through the day. Her ex was helping for a bit, she didn't want to waste his time, and the truck rental had sprung it on her that she actually had to have the truck back by 5pm or else she would get charged for an overnight.
The amount of money she was spending on this move was piling up and she was starting to panic about her finances.
She and KSL's styles on how to move were wildly different, and she tried her best to go with the flow of everything throughout the day, even though that's not who she was. She felt a huge sense of relief when PJ showed up for a little while to help them with the last of KSL's stuff, ensuring that she would get the truck back in time.
As they walked along the path from the apartment to get things out of her car, PJ commented on the random toys children of the complex had left lying around.
"Every time I see a child's toy just laying around, I want to pick it up, and toss it in the dumpster. Every time."
She giggled and loved how on the same dark page they were. "I actually threw away one of the darts earlier."
They got the truck back on time, and chatted with the employee as he checked them out. He had greeted them with a "Happy Mother's Day" which perplexed her. Did she really look that pregnant? KSL later blamed it on his balding head in addition to her apparent advanced age.
They grabbed vodka, ice, and mixers to enjoy in the new apartment. Her body was already starting to break down from too much activity on a non-working thyroid. She guessed it was going to get worse before it got better, but so far she was just too much in pain to sleep.
KSL invited her to watch a movie since he had set up the TV in his room already. "Make yourself at home" he said, gesturing vaguely.
"I am home." She said. As stressful as the day had been, they had gotten through it together. All their things were under this roof.
"That was kind of sweet" he replied.
She settled poorly into his love sac, and he crawled into his bed.
They turned on a stand up special, but after a bit the day started to wear down on her, along with the booze. He asked her if she was falling asleep several times, thus keeping her from drifting off too much. He continued to keep her from drifting off, until suddenly she heard him snoring. The TV was glowing on the menu screen; they must have both fallen asleep.
She quietly clamored out of the love sac, turned off his TV and light, and crawled into her own bed for some fitful sleep. She was starting one of the busiest work weeks of the year the next day, and she couldn't afford to be out of it.
She couldn't. She just needed to get through the day. Her ex was helping for a bit, she didn't want to waste his time, and the truck rental had sprung it on her that she actually had to have the truck back by 5pm or else she would get charged for an overnight.
The amount of money she was spending on this move was piling up and she was starting to panic about her finances.
She and KSL's styles on how to move were wildly different, and she tried her best to go with the flow of everything throughout the day, even though that's not who she was. She felt a huge sense of relief when PJ showed up for a little while to help them with the last of KSL's stuff, ensuring that she would get the truck back in time.
As they walked along the path from the apartment to get things out of her car, PJ commented on the random toys children of the complex had left lying around.
"Every time I see a child's toy just laying around, I want to pick it up, and toss it in the dumpster. Every time."
She giggled and loved how on the same dark page they were. "I actually threw away one of the darts earlier."
They got the truck back on time, and chatted with the employee as he checked them out. He had greeted them with a "Happy Mother's Day" which perplexed her. Did she really look that pregnant? KSL later blamed it on his balding head in addition to her apparent advanced age.
They grabbed vodka, ice, and mixers to enjoy in the new apartment. Her body was already starting to break down from too much activity on a non-working thyroid. She guessed it was going to get worse before it got better, but so far she was just too much in pain to sleep.
KSL invited her to watch a movie since he had set up the TV in his room already. "Make yourself at home" he said, gesturing vaguely.
"I am home." She said. As stressful as the day had been, they had gotten through it together. All their things were under this roof.
"That was kind of sweet" he replied.
She settled poorly into his love sac, and he crawled into his bed.
They turned on a stand up special, but after a bit the day started to wear down on her, along with the booze. He asked her if she was falling asleep several times, thus keeping her from drifting off too much. He continued to keep her from drifting off, until suddenly she heard him snoring. The TV was glowing on the menu screen; they must have both fallen asleep.
She quietly clamored out of the love sac, turned off his TV and light, and crawled into her own bed for some fitful sleep. She was starting one of the busiest work weeks of the year the next day, and she couldn't afford to be out of it.
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Free Weekend Part 1
"I know it's sort of late notice, but if you and AB are free, let's go to the arcade bar tonight!" She also texted JJ, thinking that there was no way he was going to respond.
It was Saturday night, and she was finally out of enough depression to want to see the people that she really cared about. Banana was mysteriously missing from her place at the bar, wooing a potential new partner elsewhere.
The group of introverts soon grew overwhelmed by the din of the games mixed with the growing crowd and decided to walk over to the other bar for some quiet conversation. They talked about the poor crowds in the new BFF's new theatre space, how things weren't going well over there. They thought she knew about it because of Banana's involvement, but in reality she and Banana talked more about interpersonal relationships than actual business.
JJ was getting tired, starting to yawn, when JJ walked in.
"Just to let you know, I was just saying we were about to take off, so it has nothing to do with your arrival." PJ said to JJ.
She and JJ decided to stay at the bar, and said goodbye to AB and PJ. After a couple of drinks they made their way upstairs, mostly because there were comfy couches where she'd made out with two other guys before. She thought maybe JJ found that to be a challenge, because she'd mentioned it earlier.
Soon they were chatting and making out occasionally upstairs. They had the chat they always had, about how he was incapable of a real relationship, how bad he was at communication, and the potential for a threesome between them and Mel.
"You wouldn't have done it!" He teased.
"I don't know, I was drunk enough. But you missed your window, I got tired."
"Well, next time I'll ply you with booze and some protein bars."
After some more making out he said "Your laugh is always tinged with sarcasm. I never know if you are laughing because you are amused or you are laughing AT me."
She answered him by kissing him and laughing ambiguously. He was too emotionally needy to be satisfied by her.
It was Saturday night, and she was finally out of enough depression to want to see the people that she really cared about. Banana was mysteriously missing from her place at the bar, wooing a potential new partner elsewhere.
The group of introverts soon grew overwhelmed by the din of the games mixed with the growing crowd and decided to walk over to the other bar for some quiet conversation. They talked about the poor crowds in the new BFF's new theatre space, how things weren't going well over there. They thought she knew about it because of Banana's involvement, but in reality she and Banana talked more about interpersonal relationships than actual business.
JJ was getting tired, starting to yawn, when JJ walked in.
"Just to let you know, I was just saying we were about to take off, so it has nothing to do with your arrival." PJ said to JJ.
She and JJ decided to stay at the bar, and said goodbye to AB and PJ. After a couple of drinks they made their way upstairs, mostly because there were comfy couches where she'd made out with two other guys before. She thought maybe JJ found that to be a challenge, because she'd mentioned it earlier.
Soon they were chatting and making out occasionally upstairs. They had the chat they always had, about how he was incapable of a real relationship, how bad he was at communication, and the potential for a threesome between them and Mel.
"You wouldn't have done it!" He teased.
"I don't know, I was drunk enough. But you missed your window, I got tired."
"Well, next time I'll ply you with booze and some protein bars."
After some more making out he said "Your laugh is always tinged with sarcasm. I never know if you are laughing because you are amused or you are laughing AT me."
She answered him by kissing him and laughing ambiguously. He was too emotionally needy to be satisfied by her.
Friday, May 26, 2017
Road to Recovery
"Men want to be needed...and they want to be left the hell alone too." PJ said to her. It explained a lot of what they were discussing that night.
She finally felt well enough and her voice was almost back. She was dying for a good conversation, so PJ was one of the first people she texted. He was at the end of his hockey game and told her to head over and "bring something chocolate."
After a trip to 711 for some M&Ms and chocolate milk she arrived at his door. They spent a few hours just talking about life and love, as he had just gotten engaged to AB. It was a great conversation, much like the one that started her writing about her life again. The kind where they could go on forever not realizing the world had changed around them.
She told him about her breakdown, about thinking that she should have stayed with her ex and how she had cried to Banana.
"You didn't tell anyone else though, right?" He asked. She shook her head no, "not really."
"Well I'm glad you are on the other side of that. It's hard to go through something like that alone and not come out the other side a little sad and lonely and worse for the wear. Just like the pain in your throat, this will get better too."
She told him that it wasn't the sore throat but the referred ear pain that was currently getting her down. He was unfamiliar with the term so she explained it to him. She was happy to see that he found the concept as poetic as she did, and he wanted to write a poem about it. She couldn't wait to read it.
Then he proceeded to tell her all the tips and tricks to get a toilet to stop overflowing. At least that was one mistake she couldn't make again.
She finally felt well enough and her voice was almost back. She was dying for a good conversation, so PJ was one of the first people she texted. He was at the end of his hockey game and told her to head over and "bring something chocolate."
After a trip to 711 for some M&Ms and chocolate milk she arrived at his door. They spent a few hours just talking about life and love, as he had just gotten engaged to AB. It was a great conversation, much like the one that started her writing about her life again. The kind where they could go on forever not realizing the world had changed around them.
She told him about her breakdown, about thinking that she should have stayed with her ex and how she had cried to Banana.
"You didn't tell anyone else though, right?" He asked. She shook her head no, "not really."
"Well I'm glad you are on the other side of that. It's hard to go through something like that alone and not come out the other side a little sad and lonely and worse for the wear. Just like the pain in your throat, this will get better too."
She told him that it wasn't the sore throat but the referred ear pain that was currently getting her down. He was unfamiliar with the term so she explained it to him. She was happy to see that he found the concept as poetic as she did, and he wanted to write a poem about it. She couldn't wait to read it.
Then he proceeded to tell her all the tips and tricks to get a toilet to stop overflowing. At least that was one mistake she couldn't make again.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Sleeping Pukey
She had slept for 14 hours the day after her surgery. Her doctor had said if she felt up to it she should get out and do something. She felt after 14 hours she should be up to it, so she agreed to go to see a movie with PJ, BFF, SD and Banana.
The Marvel Superhero movie was funny and great...until the action began. Her eyes weren't adjusting to the lights at all, and everything seemed to get louder and louder.
Her stomach churned. Convulsed. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to throw up. Even with her eyes closed the movie was so bright. She considered getting up. leaving...but knew if she got up she would throw up all over the strangers in her row. She couldn't do that.
So she stuck it out, willfully blocking out the light and sound as best she could.
As they walked out of the movie, she got confused and walked the wrong way to the other side of the theatre with everyone. She tried to sign that she was going to walk home, but PJ saw that she was struggling.
"Dizzy? Nauseous?" He asked, and she nodded. BFF and SD offered to drive her home, as they were next door in the parking garage. Just the idea of going around and around in the garage made her reach out for PJ's shoulder. He said that they would walk back to his truck and he would drive her the rest of the way home.
He made sure she was following closely behind, and reached out for her hand as he crossed the street in front of cars who seemed to have no intention of stopping. He felt her falter back, afraid of getting hit by the oncoming traffic.
He glanced back and smiled at her, "Penny, you know I'm not going to put you in danger. You are okay, come on."
He unlocked his passenger side door, and she reached over to unlock the driver's side of his old truck. He thanked her, and kept her conscious throughout the short drive, talking about things just deep enough to keep her interested but shallow enough that her feeble mind could follow along.
They got to the loading zone of her building, and he hopped out and got the door for her. He hugged her tight and said that if she got too dizzy to be alone to give him a call and he and AB would make up their couch for her and let her stay for a few days.
He was truly an angel sent from heaven to her. She went back upstairs knowing she had a backup plan if she knew it, and she feel asleep despite her narrowly pupil-ed eyes.
The Marvel Superhero movie was funny and great...until the action began. Her eyes weren't adjusting to the lights at all, and everything seemed to get louder and louder.
Her stomach churned. Convulsed. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to throw up. Even with her eyes closed the movie was so bright. She considered getting up. leaving...but knew if she got up she would throw up all over the strangers in her row. She couldn't do that.
So she stuck it out, willfully blocking out the light and sound as best she could.
As they walked out of the movie, she got confused and walked the wrong way to the other side of the theatre with everyone. She tried to sign that she was going to walk home, but PJ saw that she was struggling.
"Dizzy? Nauseous?" He asked, and she nodded. BFF and SD offered to drive her home, as they were next door in the parking garage. Just the idea of going around and around in the garage made her reach out for PJ's shoulder. He said that they would walk back to his truck and he would drive her the rest of the way home.
He made sure she was following closely behind, and reached out for her hand as he crossed the street in front of cars who seemed to have no intention of stopping. He felt her falter back, afraid of getting hit by the oncoming traffic.
He glanced back and smiled at her, "Penny, you know I'm not going to put you in danger. You are okay, come on."
He unlocked his passenger side door, and she reached over to unlock the driver's side of his old truck. He thanked her, and kept her conscious throughout the short drive, talking about things just deep enough to keep her interested but shallow enough that her feeble mind could follow along.
They got to the loading zone of her building, and he hopped out and got the door for her. He hugged her tight and said that if she got too dizzy to be alone to give him a call and he and AB would make up their couch for her and let her stay for a few days.
He was truly an angel sent from heaven to her. She went back upstairs knowing she had a backup plan if she knew it, and she feel asleep despite her narrowly pupil-ed eyes.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Breathless Part 2
3 hours had passed, and all she wanted to do was get out of there. KSL was clearly uncomfortable, so she was trying to make it seem that she was okay so they could leave. Her head was heavy and she could fall asleep right there, but she sat up and continued drinking water.
But they still wouldn't let her leave, so they made fun of the cartoons they had on for the kids, and she sucked down as much water as she could. She had two popsicles in hopes that it would send her home earlier. She tried to ask if they would take her IV out, if she could go to the bathroom. KSL helped her after telling her to "project" or "use her words" and she shot him a dirty look. She should have expected something like that from him after not being able to speak.
Her nurse was good naturered and helped her out. Finally it was time to go home, and the nurse was going over the medications with KSL. She was trying to pay attention but her mind kept wandering until she heard "Happy Wife, Happy Life."
What?
Was she assuming they were married to each other? She looked over with laughter in her eyes at KSL. She knew he wouldn't let it stand much longer, and the next time she mentioned it he quickly corrected her that they were just friends.
The nurse, with perfect comic timing, looked at both of them, then to her and said "Tell me the truth...he's the Uber driver isn't he?"
Her silent laugh mixed with his heartfelt laughter was a good way to end her stay. He went to get the car and she got dressed and got into her wheelchair.
As they were taking the corners on the way out the nurse had to dig a little deeper. "That KSL huh, what a good friend! You could tell he cares about you. We could all use a KSL in our life, huh?"
She was glad she wasn't facing the nurse so she couldn't see her roll her eyes. If she only knew the extent of how crazy their friendship really was.
KSL opened the door to the car from the inside and reached back to pull out a giant bottle of water he'd bought for her. She made the shape of a heart with her hands and signed "Thank you." She was overwhelmed that he would do something that nice for her.
They made their way to the pharmacy. On the way she got really sleepy, but couldn't verbalize it so she tried to rally and went inside the store. She felt like she stood there forever before handing over her new insurance and her meds. They said they would take about 35 minutes, and KSL suggested just going back to his place to wait it out. Considering all she wanted to do was sleep she agreed.
They got back to his place and she snuggled up to him which he immediately rebuked. She was too tired to be offended by it, and spent her energy trying to keep her head elevated as they watched some TV while he ate. She gave him her drivers license and credit card, and he went back himself to get her scripts.
2 attempted naps later and he still wasn't back. He texted they grabbed the wrong anti nausea pills, and a half an hour later he was grabbing milkshake stuff and heading back.
The mug he made the shake in was enormous, but seeing as how it was the only meal she'd have that day, she enjoyed it, as well as the movie they watched. After it was over he decided to succumb to a nap and asked her if she wanted to do the same, where she wanted to go. She knew that wherever she went he would go the opposite from his earlier reaction. She indicated she didn't care and ended up on the couch. She wasn't about to kick him out of his own bed, even if the couch was severely uncomfortable.
More uncomfortable was when his roommate came home later, though she was cordial before going into her room and closing the door. She heard KSL's alarm go off in his bedroom, but he didn't come out. She realized he had slept through it and went in to wake him. She reached out to squeeze his arm, decided it was too intimate, and instead gave him a poke in the arm until he woke up.
He got ready and dropped her off at her apartment, minutes later her sister arrived to take care of her for the night. She hadn't spent time with her sister for awhile, and it was nice to slip into the familiarity of someone bullying her into comfort as only her sister could.
Later the freshly engaged AB and PJ came by with a care package of pudding, popsicles, and mints for her. She was overwhelmed with gratitude for her friends and their ability to care for her.
She hoped the rest of her convalescence would be just as comfortable.
But they still wouldn't let her leave, so they made fun of the cartoons they had on for the kids, and she sucked down as much water as she could. She had two popsicles in hopes that it would send her home earlier. She tried to ask if they would take her IV out, if she could go to the bathroom. KSL helped her after telling her to "project" or "use her words" and she shot him a dirty look. She should have expected something like that from him after not being able to speak.
Her nurse was good naturered and helped her out. Finally it was time to go home, and the nurse was going over the medications with KSL. She was trying to pay attention but her mind kept wandering until she heard "Happy Wife, Happy Life."
What?
Was she assuming they were married to each other? She looked over with laughter in her eyes at KSL. She knew he wouldn't let it stand much longer, and the next time she mentioned it he quickly corrected her that they were just friends.
The nurse, with perfect comic timing, looked at both of them, then to her and said "Tell me the truth...he's the Uber driver isn't he?"
Her silent laugh mixed with his heartfelt laughter was a good way to end her stay. He went to get the car and she got dressed and got into her wheelchair.
As they were taking the corners on the way out the nurse had to dig a little deeper. "That KSL huh, what a good friend! You could tell he cares about you. We could all use a KSL in our life, huh?"
She was glad she wasn't facing the nurse so she couldn't see her roll her eyes. If she only knew the extent of how crazy their friendship really was.
KSL opened the door to the car from the inside and reached back to pull out a giant bottle of water he'd bought for her. She made the shape of a heart with her hands and signed "Thank you." She was overwhelmed that he would do something that nice for her.
They made their way to the pharmacy. On the way she got really sleepy, but couldn't verbalize it so she tried to rally and went inside the store. She felt like she stood there forever before handing over her new insurance and her meds. They said they would take about 35 minutes, and KSL suggested just going back to his place to wait it out. Considering all she wanted to do was sleep she agreed.
They got back to his place and she snuggled up to him which he immediately rebuked. She was too tired to be offended by it, and spent her energy trying to keep her head elevated as they watched some TV while he ate. She gave him her drivers license and credit card, and he went back himself to get her scripts.
2 attempted naps later and he still wasn't back. He texted they grabbed the wrong anti nausea pills, and a half an hour later he was grabbing milkshake stuff and heading back.
The mug he made the shake in was enormous, but seeing as how it was the only meal she'd have that day, she enjoyed it, as well as the movie they watched. After it was over he decided to succumb to a nap and asked her if she wanted to do the same, where she wanted to go. She knew that wherever she went he would go the opposite from his earlier reaction. She indicated she didn't care and ended up on the couch. She wasn't about to kick him out of his own bed, even if the couch was severely uncomfortable.
More uncomfortable was when his roommate came home later, though she was cordial before going into her room and closing the door. She heard KSL's alarm go off in his bedroom, but he didn't come out. She realized he had slept through it and went in to wake him. She reached out to squeeze his arm, decided it was too intimate, and instead gave him a poke in the arm until he woke up.
He got ready and dropped her off at her apartment, minutes later her sister arrived to take care of her for the night. She hadn't spent time with her sister for awhile, and it was nice to slip into the familiarity of someone bullying her into comfort as only her sister could.
Later the freshly engaged AB and PJ came by with a care package of pudding, popsicles, and mints for her. She was overwhelmed with gratitude for her friends and their ability to care for her.
She hoped the rest of her convalescence would be just as comfortable.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
When it Rains, it Floods
The river was rising fast. Rocks she could see that morning were now being covered by the ever increasing current. She was afraid to go and afraid to stay in her building...so she took the coward's way out and stayed. Up on the higher floors she might be trapped, but nothing would be damaged.
The city was in chaos, everyone coming down to the river to watch it rush by, throwing pictures up on social media at alarming rates. KSL had a rehearsal down by the river, and did some live video right at the base of her apartment...but he never texted her or offered to let her stay with him. In fact, only PJ had made an offer for her to stay. Not even BFF had offered her spare room.
She was feeling despondent. Her job was in serious jeopardy, she could be laid off any day now. She had her tonsillectomy scheduled for February, and she just hoped that her health insurance would hold out until then. She was applying everywhere and getting nothing back.
She remembered a saying about how there are only three things in life that make up happiness: Career, Love, and Health...and you could never have all three at the same time. One was always missing.
This time, she felt all three were missing.
She had gone on three dates, and all had deleted their profiles after dating her. What was wrong with them? What was wrong with her?
Right before she had gotten serious with Piz, she went on a single date with a guy she hit it off with right away. She had taken to calling him The Pilot, since he owned his own planes and worked with drones. They went out for AYCE sushi and hit it off right away, as friends. He had sort of fallen off the face of the earth until texting her a Happy New Year, and the conversation had continued from there.
She asked him if their date had been bad, or if there was something that she was doing wrong. He told her no, that he had a great time and she was one of the most normal, yet not boring people he's ever been out with. And he had gone on a lot of bad dates.
It made her feel a little better, as she stood on the balcony and watched them clear the debris from under the bridge as the flood raged on. Goldie did a live stream and she and Super Director provided some commentary.
In the end, nothing close to them got to the point of flooding, and all was okay. She still went to bed wishing something would go right for her.
The city was in chaos, everyone coming down to the river to watch it rush by, throwing pictures up on social media at alarming rates. KSL had a rehearsal down by the river, and did some live video right at the base of her apartment...but he never texted her or offered to let her stay with him. In fact, only PJ had made an offer for her to stay. Not even BFF had offered her spare room.
She was feeling despondent. Her job was in serious jeopardy, she could be laid off any day now. She had her tonsillectomy scheduled for February, and she just hoped that her health insurance would hold out until then. She was applying everywhere and getting nothing back.
She remembered a saying about how there are only three things in life that make up happiness: Career, Love, and Health...and you could never have all three at the same time. One was always missing.
This time, she felt all three were missing.
She had gone on three dates, and all had deleted their profiles after dating her. What was wrong with them? What was wrong with her?
Right before she had gotten serious with Piz, she went on a single date with a guy she hit it off with right away. She had taken to calling him The Pilot, since he owned his own planes and worked with drones. They went out for AYCE sushi and hit it off right away, as friends. He had sort of fallen off the face of the earth until texting her a Happy New Year, and the conversation had continued from there.
She asked him if their date had been bad, or if there was something that she was doing wrong. He told her no, that he had a great time and she was one of the most normal, yet not boring people he's ever been out with. And he had gone on a lot of bad dates.
It made her feel a little better, as she stood on the balcony and watched them clear the debris from under the bridge as the flood raged on. Goldie did a live stream and she and Super Director provided some commentary.
In the end, nothing close to them got to the point of flooding, and all was okay. She still went to bed wishing something would go right for her.
Monday, January 2, 2017
Romance is Dead
"It was...romantic. It was a romantic evening. We shared a blanket and watched the moon rise. He shut off all the lights so we could see the moon. We made each other laugh until our cheeks actually hurt. It's never romantic like that, and it threw me for a loop. I don't know what to think, because now it's just hardcore radio silence. It was full on boyfriend/girlfriend status, and now nothing. Which, to be fair, is typical of him when we get too close."
PJ took it all in as she spoke. He picked up his white Bic lighter and held it in-between his rough fingers.
"Pretend this is a magic wand. What do you want to have happen?"
She took a deep breath. "It's so hard to answer that. I know we wouldn't work out. I know it. It would be an emotional shitshow from beginning to end. I'd always think he was cheating. Eventually I'd be right. We've already hurt each other almost as badly as you can without being romantically involved. We've been brutal to each other. I can't imagine how bad we would get if there were feelings involved. Well, more than mine anyway."
PJ kept silent. He knew she was going to go the other direction.
"There is a lot of caring there too. I mean, he would have been out the door the first time we had sex if there hadn't been any feelings about me right?" PJ nodded, agreeing with her statement. He took a deep breath before he responded.
"I'm just trying to take it all in. He does have feelings for you, he cares for you, clearly. But...at times it just seems like a toxic relationship."
Maybe, for the new year, she needed to give up on KSL.
PJ took it all in as she spoke. He picked up his white Bic lighter and held it in-between his rough fingers.
"Pretend this is a magic wand. What do you want to have happen?"
She took a deep breath. "It's so hard to answer that. I know we wouldn't work out. I know it. It would be an emotional shitshow from beginning to end. I'd always think he was cheating. Eventually I'd be right. We've already hurt each other almost as badly as you can without being romantically involved. We've been brutal to each other. I can't imagine how bad we would get if there were feelings involved. Well, more than mine anyway."
PJ kept silent. He knew she was going to go the other direction.
"There is a lot of caring there too. I mean, he would have been out the door the first time we had sex if there hadn't been any feelings about me right?" PJ nodded, agreeing with her statement. He took a deep breath before he responded.
"I'm just trying to take it all in. He does have feelings for you, he cares for you, clearly. But...at times it just seems like a toxic relationship."
Maybe, for the new year, she needed to give up on KSL.
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Desperately Seeking Validation
She had a chocolate bar in her fridge for weeks, left behind from a KSL trip to the capitol for coffee. She didn't feel like eating it. It struck her as very unusual that she didn't want chocolate.
The feeling was desolation. She had no romantic prospects and woke up thinking about Piz every night, in the middle of the night. She would cuddle with the pillow he used to get back to sleep. She still couldn't figure out if she missed him, or the idea of him.
She couldn't figure out what kept drawing her to online dating. She didn't find anything great last time, why try again? She asked BFF which escalated into a fight that she shot down everything that BFF suggested that she do. She was just trying to have a conversation, and there were so many other things she was angry at her about that she just gave up instead of fight.
This wasn't like her. This was another, deeper level of depression. She didn't even want to drink.
She had decided to spend time with her mom earlier in the week. Her mom had asked her, several times, if it was really over between her and her ex.
"Mom...do you think that's what I deserve? Do you think I deserve to stay with a man who doesn't love me? You think I'm making a mistake?" She had to ask this several times before demanding a yes or no answer.
"Well, I mean, I guess no." She finally answered.
She told KSL about it later. "I just kinda need someone, but my mom especially, to be adamant about my worth. I let this happen for a really long time because I thought I didn't deserve better. And I waffle on that everyday, thinking I'm not good enough. And it's just so easy to slip. So easy to go from being okay with myself and being confident to thinking; if my mom doesn't think I'm good enough, why am I using up all this air?"
He messaged back "Stahp. You are worthy. You deserve love. You are right to want someone who wants you. Truly."
It made her feel a little better, but she was still just sort of devoid of emotion. She got a surprise call from PJ on her way to rehearsal and gave him a lowdown of the feelings, and also added that she had decided to go for online dating again. After a few hours of being back she had a message from a guy she was talking to previously, and a guy wanting to pay her to talk about farts. It was just freaking fantastic to be back.
"I don't even understand why I'm doing it. Validation I guess, like I need someone to pay attention to me, which is lame and silly. I just feel like I'm so much better than this, I deserve better."
PJ was quick to respond, "Hey, it's me you're talking to, you don't need to make excuses for your feelings. It's funny, I feel that way about work sometimes, that I shouldn't be working at a warehouse, I'm smarter than all of it. And maybe that's it for you, maybe because you aren't getting the validation you need at work or have a significant other to turn to, it just ups the lonely factor. I don't think you are doing anything wrong."
That almost brought her out of her malaise.
The feeling was desolation. She had no romantic prospects and woke up thinking about Piz every night, in the middle of the night. She would cuddle with the pillow he used to get back to sleep. She still couldn't figure out if she missed him, or the idea of him.
She couldn't figure out what kept drawing her to online dating. She didn't find anything great last time, why try again? She asked BFF which escalated into a fight that she shot down everything that BFF suggested that she do. She was just trying to have a conversation, and there were so many other things she was angry at her about that she just gave up instead of fight.
This wasn't like her. This was another, deeper level of depression. She didn't even want to drink.
She had decided to spend time with her mom earlier in the week. Her mom had asked her, several times, if it was really over between her and her ex.
"Mom...do you think that's what I deserve? Do you think I deserve to stay with a man who doesn't love me? You think I'm making a mistake?" She had to ask this several times before demanding a yes or no answer.
"Well, I mean, I guess no." She finally answered.
She told KSL about it later. "I just kinda need someone, but my mom especially, to be adamant about my worth. I let this happen for a really long time because I thought I didn't deserve better. And I waffle on that everyday, thinking I'm not good enough. And it's just so easy to slip. So easy to go from being okay with myself and being confident to thinking; if my mom doesn't think I'm good enough, why am I using up all this air?"
He messaged back "Stahp. You are worthy. You deserve love. You are right to want someone who wants you. Truly."
It made her feel a little better, but she was still just sort of devoid of emotion. She got a surprise call from PJ on her way to rehearsal and gave him a lowdown of the feelings, and also added that she had decided to go for online dating again. After a few hours of being back she had a message from a guy she was talking to previously, and a guy wanting to pay her to talk about farts. It was just freaking fantastic to be back.
"I don't even understand why I'm doing it. Validation I guess, like I need someone to pay attention to me, which is lame and silly. I just feel like I'm so much better than this, I deserve better."
PJ was quick to respond, "Hey, it's me you're talking to, you don't need to make excuses for your feelings. It's funny, I feel that way about work sometimes, that I shouldn't be working at a warehouse, I'm smarter than all of it. And maybe that's it for you, maybe because you aren't getting the validation you need at work or have a significant other to turn to, it just ups the lonely factor. I don't think you are doing anything wrong."
That almost brought her out of her malaise.
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
A Bad Person
"I should feel more guilty about this. I really really should. I'm a bad person." She told Dawn.
"Listen, you know I don't judge. You were having a lot of feelings and that is just what happened. It's not good or bad. It just is."
Dawn had taken her out to breakfast and to run errands all day to distract her from her drama.
"So basically, you were emotionally vulnerable, so was KSL, mix in some liquor and opportunity, and you fucked him...I think that things like that happen all the time." Her friend messaged her.
"Really?!?! That makes me feel a little better." she answered.
"Hey, you did something in the heat of the moment in a vulnerable space...welcome to being human. You're not a bad person."
She felt a sense of relief. At least someone didn't think she was a bad person. She still felt like a bad person.
"Thank you. I really needed to hear that from someone." She replied.
"Although I'd advise against spending too many nights in the arms of Crazy McPsychoPants. Even if you do need some lovin...he ain't worth the regret."
"Trust me, we went too hard for me to ever try it again. I look like I got into a car accident." She messaged.
"Well, it's a good thing that it's winter!" KSL said, pointing to her arm after she got out of the bathroom. She looked down and saw the imprint of what could have been his dental records in her arm. She was embarrassed, and then petrified. The next day she would find out that not only did the bruises cover her arms and breasts, but he had also been so aggressive that her ears were ringing...and not from the drinking, but from the bruises on her earlobes. The pain would continue for days, she felt hungover for a long time.
She gave the rundown to PJ the next night, while at the same time sharing with him how uneasy she felt when Piz had shown up unexpectedly to KSL and Acrobat's show the other night. Something about how 3 guys in the same building making her feel like an enormous slut. PJ had picked up on something going wonky with her that night, and she explained. He understood, as he always did.
"I'm not saying this is an excuse, what I did was wrong. But, this would have never happened had he just been there for me. I give my everything to this relationship, and I'm not getting much back. I get that it is early, but...he should have come to the club. He should have come out for one drink with me during his birthday. I get that he's in school and overwhelmed with 700 level classes, but I'm not getting what I need from him. He doesn't care as much as he should for me. He's not ready for this, and it's unfair that I'm holding to it.
He didn't text her again after Saturday night until Tuesday afternoon. He asked what she was doing on Friday after work. She had a blood test to take, but then she was free. He wanted to meet at her favorite bar at 7:00 PM. No dinner, no picking her up, no swinging by the apartment.
The writing was on the wall. Come Friday, this relationship was over.
"Just keep your heart guarded Penny." PJ said to her.
She was so afraid that it was too late.
"Listen, you know I don't judge. You were having a lot of feelings and that is just what happened. It's not good or bad. It just is."
Dawn had taken her out to breakfast and to run errands all day to distract her from her drama.
"So basically, you were emotionally vulnerable, so was KSL, mix in some liquor and opportunity, and you fucked him...I think that things like that happen all the time." Her friend messaged her.
"Really?!?! That makes me feel a little better." she answered.
"Hey, you did something in the heat of the moment in a vulnerable space...welcome to being human. You're not a bad person."
She felt a sense of relief. At least someone didn't think she was a bad person. She still felt like a bad person.
"Thank you. I really needed to hear that from someone." She replied.
"Although I'd advise against spending too many nights in the arms of Crazy McPsychoPants. Even if you do need some lovin...he ain't worth the regret."
"Trust me, we went too hard for me to ever try it again. I look like I got into a car accident." She messaged.
"Well, it's a good thing that it's winter!" KSL said, pointing to her arm after she got out of the bathroom. She looked down and saw the imprint of what could have been his dental records in her arm. She was embarrassed, and then petrified. The next day she would find out that not only did the bruises cover her arms and breasts, but he had also been so aggressive that her ears were ringing...and not from the drinking, but from the bruises on her earlobes. The pain would continue for days, she felt hungover for a long time.
She gave the rundown to PJ the next night, while at the same time sharing with him how uneasy she felt when Piz had shown up unexpectedly to KSL and Acrobat's show the other night. Something about how 3 guys in the same building making her feel like an enormous slut. PJ had picked up on something going wonky with her that night, and she explained. He understood, as he always did.
"I'm not saying this is an excuse, what I did was wrong. But, this would have never happened had he just been there for me. I give my everything to this relationship, and I'm not getting much back. I get that it is early, but...he should have come to the club. He should have come out for one drink with me during his birthday. I get that he's in school and overwhelmed with 700 level classes, but I'm not getting what I need from him. He doesn't care as much as he should for me. He's not ready for this, and it's unfair that I'm holding to it.
He didn't text her again after Saturday night until Tuesday afternoon. He asked what she was doing on Friday after work. She had a blood test to take, but then she was free. He wanted to meet at her favorite bar at 7:00 PM. No dinner, no picking her up, no swinging by the apartment.
The writing was on the wall. Come Friday, this relationship was over.
"Just keep your heart guarded Penny." PJ said to her.
She was so afraid that it was too late.
Wednesday, September 28, 2016
INFJ Night
The BFF couldn't make it to movie night, so instead she came over to AB and PJ's to have pizza and do some INFJ talk.
"How is your heart?" PJ asked her, settling in for a long, intense chat.
"Good...I think it's really good. He makes me really happy."
PJ looked at her, tilted his head, crossed his arms over his chest, and waited for her to continue. He knew her so well, knew that there was a small thing that had to be bothering her, weighing on her mind.
"On the surface, everything is fantastic. We can make out for hours, have amazing conversations. We are getting along like crazy. But...he's worried about me. Worried about hurting me. Every time we are getting closer, falling...I see it in his eyes. He's worried...and we don't have time to be worried. I don't know what to do about it. I can't just tell him not to, it doesn't work that way."
She continued, "And I can't help but fall for him, he has everything I was lacking in previous relationships. He's so passionate, he says things, he does things...but I can't help but think that's just the only way he knows how to be in a relationship. He devours my body because he doesn't know any other way. I'm sure he'd do that with any chick he was into."
"Or," PJ said, "He could just be doing that because you fit into a Penny sized keyhole in his heart."
She smiled, said maybe, and then sighed. She was afraid she would never really find out.
"How is your heart?" PJ asked her, settling in for a long, intense chat.
"Good...I think it's really good. He makes me really happy."
PJ looked at her, tilted his head, crossed his arms over his chest, and waited for her to continue. He knew her so well, knew that there was a small thing that had to be bothering her, weighing on her mind.
"On the surface, everything is fantastic. We can make out for hours, have amazing conversations. We are getting along like crazy. But...he's worried about me. Worried about hurting me. Every time we are getting closer, falling...I see it in his eyes. He's worried...and we don't have time to be worried. I don't know what to do about it. I can't just tell him not to, it doesn't work that way."
She continued, "And I can't help but fall for him, he has everything I was lacking in previous relationships. He's so passionate, he says things, he does things...but I can't help but think that's just the only way he knows how to be in a relationship. He devours my body because he doesn't know any other way. I'm sure he'd do that with any chick he was into."
"Or," PJ said, "He could just be doing that because you fit into a Penny sized keyhole in his heart."
She smiled, said maybe, and then sighed. She was afraid she would never really find out.
Wednesday, September 21, 2016
Exclusivity Part 3
"Do you have a condom?" She asked him, knowing that she did but seeing if he had come prepared.
He looked at her, laughed awkwardly, and said no. "I figured you were on birth control."
"Even if I was, that doesn't protect against STDs! OMG what is wrong with you?!" She laughed.
He shrugged, shot her his trademark open mouthed smile, and said "What? I used to be a sailor."
She burst out laughing, and he held her lovingly until she calmed down. It was a great joke, as he had been in the coast guard for 4 years, but hadn't slept with a single person during active duty.
When she finished laughing, she looked up at him with a smirk and he asked "Do you have a condom?"
"You might have been a sailor, but I was a girl scout. You are so lucky that I always come prepared."
She had heard of girls that had thrown out perfectly good condoms because they were meant for another man. She felt that was stupidly wasteful, and pulled out not only the box of condoms with just one missing, but they also tried out the free condom she had in her purse from the center where she took yoga.
The sex was so different from her ex and KSL...it was romantic and passionate. He worshiped at the alter of her body, and she was overcome. Although a little awkward due to the fact that he hated condoms, they had an amazing time.
She woke him with kisses at 4AM, and they were late getting out of the apartment. They parked about a half mile away and walked into the park. They snuggled throughout the event, and met up with AB and PJ halfway through the event. As they were all introverts, it was quiet and reflective. PJ wanted to snap a photo he was going to turn into a meme, and AB was her usual millennial self. Near the end they randomly ran into Dusky, and she and AB did an ugly scream and ran over to him. She was glad some of the main great people in her life had finally met him. It felt right that they were seeing just each other, and she was head in the clouds happy.
"Isn't Piz cute?" She texted Dusky. "Cutie Patootie" was his response.
After a short breakfast, they went back to her place for a nap. Of course more sex happened first, and they collapsed in each other's arms. She reluctantly got up to go to the bathroom, and when she returned she stifled a laugh. He was spread eagle across the bed on his back, snoring away. It was adorable. She wanted to take a picture, but didn't think that would be nice at all. She instead took a mental snapshot and crawled up beside him.
Even in sleep, he grabbed for her and snuggled her to his chest. It felt like home, and she fell asleep almost immediately. The epic nap was restorative, and the overnight date had been a huge success.
Later, when she asked PJ what he had thought of Piz, he paused to think before responding.
"Whenever I looked over at him, he was looking at you. I think he's good people."
He looked at her, laughed awkwardly, and said no. "I figured you were on birth control."
"Even if I was, that doesn't protect against STDs! OMG what is wrong with you?!" She laughed.
He shrugged, shot her his trademark open mouthed smile, and said "What? I used to be a sailor."
She burst out laughing, and he held her lovingly until she calmed down. It was a great joke, as he had been in the coast guard for 4 years, but hadn't slept with a single person during active duty.
When she finished laughing, she looked up at him with a smirk and he asked "Do you have a condom?"
"You might have been a sailor, but I was a girl scout. You are so lucky that I always come prepared."
She had heard of girls that had thrown out perfectly good condoms because they were meant for another man. She felt that was stupidly wasteful, and pulled out not only the box of condoms with just one missing, but they also tried out the free condom she had in her purse from the center where she took yoga.
The sex was so different from her ex and KSL...it was romantic and passionate. He worshiped at the alter of her body, and she was overcome. Although a little awkward due to the fact that he hated condoms, they had an amazing time.
She woke him with kisses at 4AM, and they were late getting out of the apartment. They parked about a half mile away and walked into the park. They snuggled throughout the event, and met up with AB and PJ halfway through the event. As they were all introverts, it was quiet and reflective. PJ wanted to snap a photo he was going to turn into a meme, and AB was her usual millennial self. Near the end they randomly ran into Dusky, and she and AB did an ugly scream and ran over to him. She was glad some of the main great people in her life had finally met him. It felt right that they were seeing just each other, and she was head in the clouds happy.
"Isn't Piz cute?" She texted Dusky. "Cutie Patootie" was his response.
After a short breakfast, they went back to her place for a nap. Of course more sex happened first, and they collapsed in each other's arms. She reluctantly got up to go to the bathroom, and when she returned she stifled a laugh. He was spread eagle across the bed on his back, snoring away. It was adorable. She wanted to take a picture, but didn't think that would be nice at all. She instead took a mental snapshot and crawled up beside him.
Even in sleep, he grabbed for her and snuggled her to his chest. It felt like home, and she fell asleep almost immediately. The epic nap was restorative, and the overnight date had been a huge success.
Later, when she asked PJ what he had thought of Piz, he paused to think before responding.
"Whenever I looked over at him, he was looking at you. I think he's good people."
Friday, August 12, 2016
PJ Validation Talk
"I'm a little concerned that you feel like you have to get that from another person, that you don't feel that yourself." PJ had called her for a chat since they hadn't seen each other in awhile.
"I don't....I don't need it. I just want it. It's a big difference. It's been so long since I've had that, since I had words of affirmation. It's nice to know, even if it's just one date, that some guy thinks I'm worth spending time with. It's been awhile since that happened."
They had another one of those conversations...the one that hearkened back to the night in her car a year ago...where they talked about life, about love, about what was to come.
"I think, maybe...it's your time. It's your time to do what you want. Make mistakes, even if you know you are making them in the moment."
"It's your time."
"I don't....I don't need it. I just want it. It's a big difference. It's been so long since I've had that, since I had words of affirmation. It's nice to know, even if it's just one date, that some guy thinks I'm worth spending time with. It's been awhile since that happened."
They had another one of those conversations...the one that hearkened back to the night in her car a year ago...where they talked about life, about love, about what was to come.
"I think, maybe...it's your time. It's your time to do what you want. Make mistakes, even if you know you are making them in the moment."
"It's your time."
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Wall Around My Heart
KSL had gotten approved for his apartment, after a nail biting three days. He was going to sign the paperwork later next week. His relationship would end once "The ink was on the lease." He was apprehensive about pulling the ripcord, but he knew it was for the best. He was very solemn, and she felt her own heart sink for him.
She had shown him what she had on the rules so far, and he told her that he would look at it again after all the dust had settled on the end of his relationship. He seemed fairly open to it, although he agreed with her that he had no idea where their relationship would really go after this breakup.
They clinked glasses to toast to a brighter future, even though they had no idea what the future would hold for either of them. She accepted this quietly, preparing both to never see him again, and for him to come bursting into her apartment on the day of and ravish her. If there was anything to be counted on, it was the uncertainty of which way the wind was blowing his sails.
They walked a few blocks over to a theatre photo event. Everyone was going to be there, and she looked forward to seeing people she hadn't seen in awhile. There was also an outdoor art festival happening at the same time, so once they arrived KSL went to say hi to someone she broke away to look at the exhibits.
She turned around to see KSL and her ex talking. The "uuggh" from I Love Lucy escaped her mouth and she turned back around and walked to the next exhibit. She was admiring the art when she felt a presence behind her. She hoped that it was KSL, but it was the ex. They chatted and walked down to check out the rest of the exhibits together while they talked. It was nice conversation, and she broke off once they got back to say hi to some friends.
He followed. He stood too close as he also said hi to the same friends, making it appear as if they came together. She became uncomfortable...this was giving people the idea that they were still in a functioning marriage. Then they'd never understand when it became public that they were apart. This felt deceitful, even though it hadn't become public.
Anxiously she waited, engaging the group in an involved conversation, then moving onto the next group of friends. After the initial hellos in the new group...
He followed.
She tried this a few more times, to no avail. At this point she finished the water that KSL had bought her on the way, so she went to the nearest trash can to dispose of it. The trash can was full, as was the one across the street. So she started out to the end of the block where the next cans were located. She was on her way back when her phone started ringing.
It was her ex. He wanted to know if she was leaving. She was beyond irritated at this point and snapped at him that she was throwing away her water bottle, but stopped short of what she really wanted to say, which was that where she went was no longer his concern. He hadn't been this clingy when they were married, and she was getting sick of it.
She approached TM and gave him a hug, and told him briefly what was happening. He said "Yep, he's just two feet to your left right now." She took a deep breath, tearing up. TM told her that it was going to be okay, and brought her over to his side when they staged the photo of everyone.
KSL brought up the rear behind her for the photo, and her ex tried to edge him out. "Now I know what sex with me would feel like" KSL joked later, commenting on their similar stature. On the other side of TM was PJ and AB, so it was as if they built a wall around her. She was so happy that even when she was being dark and terrible and petty, they were all there for her. The final photo was going to be a weird combo of all her support systems...and her ex.
She had shown him what she had on the rules so far, and he told her that he would look at it again after all the dust had settled on the end of his relationship. He seemed fairly open to it, although he agreed with her that he had no idea where their relationship would really go after this breakup.
They clinked glasses to toast to a brighter future, even though they had no idea what the future would hold for either of them. She accepted this quietly, preparing both to never see him again, and for him to come bursting into her apartment on the day of and ravish her. If there was anything to be counted on, it was the uncertainty of which way the wind was blowing his sails.
They walked a few blocks over to a theatre photo event. Everyone was going to be there, and she looked forward to seeing people she hadn't seen in awhile. There was also an outdoor art festival happening at the same time, so once they arrived KSL went to say hi to someone she broke away to look at the exhibits.
She turned around to see KSL and her ex talking. The "uuggh" from I Love Lucy escaped her mouth and she turned back around and walked to the next exhibit. She was admiring the art when she felt a presence behind her. She hoped that it was KSL, but it was the ex. They chatted and walked down to check out the rest of the exhibits together while they talked. It was nice conversation, and she broke off once they got back to say hi to some friends.
He followed. He stood too close as he also said hi to the same friends, making it appear as if they came together. She became uncomfortable...this was giving people the idea that they were still in a functioning marriage. Then they'd never understand when it became public that they were apart. This felt deceitful, even though it hadn't become public.
Anxiously she waited, engaging the group in an involved conversation, then moving onto the next group of friends. After the initial hellos in the new group...
He followed.
She tried this a few more times, to no avail. At this point she finished the water that KSL had bought her on the way, so she went to the nearest trash can to dispose of it. The trash can was full, as was the one across the street. So she started out to the end of the block where the next cans were located. She was on her way back when her phone started ringing.
It was her ex. He wanted to know if she was leaving. She was beyond irritated at this point and snapped at him that she was throwing away her water bottle, but stopped short of what she really wanted to say, which was that where she went was no longer his concern. He hadn't been this clingy when they were married, and she was getting sick of it.
She approached TM and gave him a hug, and told him briefly what was happening. He said "Yep, he's just two feet to your left right now." She took a deep breath, tearing up. TM told her that it was going to be okay, and brought her over to his side when they staged the photo of everyone.
KSL brought up the rear behind her for the photo, and her ex tried to edge him out. "Now I know what sex with me would feel like" KSL joked later, commenting on their similar stature. On the other side of TM was PJ and AB, so it was as if they built a wall around her. She was so happy that even when she was being dark and terrible and petty, they were all there for her. The final photo was going to be a weird combo of all her support systems...and her ex.
Wednesday, April 27, 2016
Date with Destiny
"Hello!" PJ said in his own lighthearted lilt. "I just got off work and I'm headed your way. What is your apartment number?"
He greeted her at the door with one of his warm hugs, and took a cursory tour of the studio. He tread quietly around and saw the view from the balcony. He was impressed with the space, and like everyone else, said it would be good for her.
As they walked over to the bridge opening, he said how he was actually looking forward to his evening, as plans had been canceled last minute; an introverts dream. He said he wasn't getting tired of having nothing to do after work, and he and AB were living it up doing something different every weekend. She was really happy for them, they still seemed so amazing together. She was still a little sad that she took most of his time, but nothing could be done about it. She just had to treasure the time that she did get with him.
As they approached the new bridge, she spotted her...husband? Ex? She wasn't sure what to call him anymore. She saw him taking photos out on the bridge, that was currently only open to foot traffic. They went in for an awkward hug and talked for a few minutes as they walked across the bridge, then he had to go to rehearsal that was just across the street. He did share that he was getting a little further in the interview process for a job, which she praised him for. What else could she do? She was happy that her friends life was looking up, after she crushed it. It was all so awkward.
She and PJ walked together in silence across the rest of the bridge, and was about to head down to the water when she spotted her sister and her friend. They invited themselves over to her apartment, so she said goodbye to PJ and took them upstairs after they all walked back. PJ gave her a look as he walked away, and she worried that he had an idea of what she'd done. If he did, he would be so disappointed in her.
Her sister and her sister's friend were obnoxious, so she gave them a basic tour and then kicked them out. Not a moment too soon, as her nerves had started to get fried.
She stepped into her apartment and felt the energy. Her sister had helped her raise her desk, and PJ had fixed the door that had gone off the rollers. Except for some pots and pans, the place was pretty well moved in. It was glorious. A few minutes later she was off to Goldie's to enjoy some wine and to sit there as the girls went through all the dancing scenes of the latest Magic Mike. She shook her head almost the whole time, laughing at how silly they were.
He greeted her at the door with one of his warm hugs, and took a cursory tour of the studio. He tread quietly around and saw the view from the balcony. He was impressed with the space, and like everyone else, said it would be good for her.
As they walked over to the bridge opening, he said how he was actually looking forward to his evening, as plans had been canceled last minute; an introverts dream. He said he wasn't getting tired of having nothing to do after work, and he and AB were living it up doing something different every weekend. She was really happy for them, they still seemed so amazing together. She was still a little sad that she took most of his time, but nothing could be done about it. She just had to treasure the time that she did get with him.
As they approached the new bridge, she spotted her...husband? Ex? She wasn't sure what to call him anymore. She saw him taking photos out on the bridge, that was currently only open to foot traffic. They went in for an awkward hug and talked for a few minutes as they walked across the bridge, then he had to go to rehearsal that was just across the street. He did share that he was getting a little further in the interview process for a job, which she praised him for. What else could she do? She was happy that her friends life was looking up, after she crushed it. It was all so awkward.
She and PJ walked together in silence across the rest of the bridge, and was about to head down to the water when she spotted her sister and her friend. They invited themselves over to her apartment, so she said goodbye to PJ and took them upstairs after they all walked back. PJ gave her a look as he walked away, and she worried that he had an idea of what she'd done. If he did, he would be so disappointed in her.
Her sister and her sister's friend were obnoxious, so she gave them a basic tour and then kicked them out. Not a moment too soon, as her nerves had started to get fried.
She stepped into her apartment and felt the energy. Her sister had helped her raise her desk, and PJ had fixed the door that had gone off the rollers. Except for some pots and pans, the place was pretty well moved in. It was glorious. A few minutes later she was off to Goldie's to enjoy some wine and to sit there as the girls went through all the dancing scenes of the latest Magic Mike. She shook her head almost the whole time, laughing at how silly they were.
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Vehicular Manslaughtering
She got out of work and booked it to their car insurance appointment. They both currently had full coverage, and the funds were just not there for that any longer. He texted her several times before she got there, telling her to meet him inside and then in the office. It was an understatement to say she was stressed out and just wanted to get this over with.
It turned out they could cut costs by a lot, but it was still more money apart than together. She went against her better judgement and decided to remain together on the policy for now. During the end of the meeting BFF called her, and she sent her to voicemail.
When they finished up their meeting she checked the voicemail, but her husband started talking to her at the same time. She was pulled in different directions, half listening to the message and half listening to her husband, in the end not really listening to anyone. She just gathered that the voicemail was wanting to see if she wanted to hang out, and her husband was saying the free preview of his play was tonight, and did she want to go. He said he was talking to PJ and HE said he was going with AB, as if that would change her mind one way or another. He gave her back her tire pump. He was still driving around on a spare from a couple of days ago when he ran over a nail. They weren't getting his replacement tire in until the next day.
"BFF just left me a voicemail, I need to call her back. We'll try to make it." She said. "I have to go return these props from Goldie's movie before I do anything else, I need that money back on my card for the move." She could tell he felt hurt, but she had things to do and couldn't placate him any more.
She returned the props, called BFF and met up with her at her house. On the way she called Mo who was also having trouble in his marriage. His wife was checking his bank account and questioning every charge, completely unhealthy for the marriage. Mo was very stubborn, and not willing to listen to her advice. She could do nothing but tell him to hang in there, and feel what he needed to feel.
The play was amusing, and it was nice to see everyone. Because it was preview night, the cast was still getting notes, so they headed out right afterwards to go home.
She was getting her things ready for the next work day when she got a text from her husband.
"And I just got in a car wreck."
Her heart plummeted. She called him, he said that everyone was pretty much fine, but he had run a red light, making it his fault. Not a scratch on his car, but he took the front bumper off the other car. She said to call when he was headed home and they hung up."
Tears already forming, she called BFF who answered right away. "He got in a car accident, HOURS after we took down our car insurance. I felt bad for him paying more money and so we stayed together on the policy and now MY insurance is going to go up. I can't do this anymore, I can't..."
"There is nothing you can do right now. Take a deep breath." BFF said to her calmly. "You can't change what has already happened, and you are going to end up in the hospital if you don't let it go. This is on him and he will have to take care of it, it's not your problem anymore."
She was right. She thanked her, and went to lay down. She got another call from her husband. "The cops were nice, everyone was okay but the other guy went to the hospital since it was right across the street to get checked out."
"Was he driving an expensive car?" She asked with a hollow voice.
"No," he replied "Just an old Ford Taurus."
"Good. I'm glad everyone is okay. I have to get up in the morning for work so I'm going to bed now."
"I'll be home in 10 minutes."
"I might be asleep. If I am I'll see you tomorrow."
She was almost asleep by the time he got home, and he made plenty of noise to try and wake her. She pretended to be asleep, and he left the room to go downstairs on his computer.
Out of sheer exhaustion she fell into a deep sleep. She awoke more angry than upset.
It turned out they could cut costs by a lot, but it was still more money apart than together. She went against her better judgement and decided to remain together on the policy for now. During the end of the meeting BFF called her, and she sent her to voicemail.
When they finished up their meeting she checked the voicemail, but her husband started talking to her at the same time. She was pulled in different directions, half listening to the message and half listening to her husband, in the end not really listening to anyone. She just gathered that the voicemail was wanting to see if she wanted to hang out, and her husband was saying the free preview of his play was tonight, and did she want to go. He said he was talking to PJ and HE said he was going with AB, as if that would change her mind one way or another. He gave her back her tire pump. He was still driving around on a spare from a couple of days ago when he ran over a nail. They weren't getting his replacement tire in until the next day.
"BFF just left me a voicemail, I need to call her back. We'll try to make it." She said. "I have to go return these props from Goldie's movie before I do anything else, I need that money back on my card for the move." She could tell he felt hurt, but she had things to do and couldn't placate him any more.
She returned the props, called BFF and met up with her at her house. On the way she called Mo who was also having trouble in his marriage. His wife was checking his bank account and questioning every charge, completely unhealthy for the marriage. Mo was very stubborn, and not willing to listen to her advice. She could do nothing but tell him to hang in there, and feel what he needed to feel.
The play was amusing, and it was nice to see everyone. Because it was preview night, the cast was still getting notes, so they headed out right afterwards to go home.
She was getting her things ready for the next work day when she got a text from her husband.
"And I just got in a car wreck."
Her heart plummeted. She called him, he said that everyone was pretty much fine, but he had run a red light, making it his fault. Not a scratch on his car, but he took the front bumper off the other car. She said to call when he was headed home and they hung up."
Tears already forming, she called BFF who answered right away. "He got in a car accident, HOURS after we took down our car insurance. I felt bad for him paying more money and so we stayed together on the policy and now MY insurance is going to go up. I can't do this anymore, I can't..."
"There is nothing you can do right now. Take a deep breath." BFF said to her calmly. "You can't change what has already happened, and you are going to end up in the hospital if you don't let it go. This is on him and he will have to take care of it, it's not your problem anymore."
She was right. She thanked her, and went to lay down. She got another call from her husband. "The cops were nice, everyone was okay but the other guy went to the hospital since it was right across the street to get checked out."
"Was he driving an expensive car?" She asked with a hollow voice.
"No," he replied "Just an old Ford Taurus."
"Good. I'm glad everyone is okay. I have to get up in the morning for work so I'm going to bed now."
"I'll be home in 10 minutes."
"I might be asleep. If I am I'll see you tomorrow."
She was almost asleep by the time he got home, and he made plenty of noise to try and wake her. She pretended to be asleep, and he left the room to go downstairs on his computer.
Out of sheer exhaustion she fell into a deep sleep. She awoke more angry than upset.
Wednesday, March 30, 2016
Dystopian Sadness
When she got home that night, her husband had cleaned up the living room, talked to people about jobs, and came to her like a dog with a ball. She had seen this before. It only lasted a few months, tops. She just couldn't do it anymore. Goldie had convinced her she needed to get out now, and said there was a studio open in her building. She would be near Goldie and Super Director, with a doorman and living next to all the theatres. It was a year lease and 435 square feet. She texted her husband that she might take it.
"That was quick." Was his response. When she got home he talked about his friend who had died, and how he didn't want to waste his life. She thought it seemed positive, like he was going to take action.
The next night she went out for a walk by the river with PJ. They hadn't had a chance to be alone and talk in months, and she desperately needed her friend. After going over all the specifics, he said "Have you told him this with as much clarity as you've told me?"
"I'm so afraid of hurting him further. He asked for three weeks, I figure then he'll have his shit together and he can get his own place. He'll be able to make it on his own."
"Then you are still enabling him. You need to go home now and be very clear, very specific. Although I don't understand how a man can be okay with not having a job this long."
"He's always had everything taken care of, handed to him. He just doesn't know any better. That's part of the problem. I just can't take care of everything anymore. I'm so emotionally drained."
"You need to tell him this. He deserves the kind of clarity you have right now. And whatever you do, please don't fill the holes of your soul with anything other than your feelings right now. Don't do anything with KSL, don't drink, don't do drugs--not that you do anyway." PJ was saying the right thing, but she also knew she wouldn't be doing it. She had plans to go up and drink with Goldie right afterwards, and she wasn't going to turn it down. She thanked him, they hugged, and he went home to AB.
PJ had said all the right things, the things she needed to hear but didn't want to hear. She knew she had to take his advise, and shortly afterwards she went home.
He had baked, and talked about things he had done. He saw her face and said "Am I trying too hard?"
She opened her mouth, closed it. It was so hard to say mean things to someone she cared about. "Just say it." He said dejectedly.
She opened her mouth again. "You are trying too late. Years and years too late. You trying is not who you are, and that's fine. It's just not for me anymore. I don't want to change who you are just to suit me."
The words hung in the air, echoed in her brain painfully. He said "That's fair. Excuse me." and walked out of the room. He had never been this sad, and she was unsure what to do. She gave him space as she set her stuff for the next work day in the bathroom (she did this so she didn't have to turn on the bedroom light and wake him up early in the morning), then went downstairs to check on him.
"I'm sorry, crying isn't very manly of me." He said, as if he had been aware of the conversation she and Goldie had. "I don't mean to emasculate you with this" she said, her throat catching. She had never seen him this sad before. The guilt washed over her like a wave, but she dug her heels into the sand to also stand her ground. She looked up at his computer screen and saw "Apartments for rent in [old city]" and said "Do you want to move back there?"
"No, but I don't think I have a choice, if I can't find work here. Maybe they'll take me back at my old job. Then it would be easier for you to be here."
"You are going to leave me alone to explain this to everyone? You think that's fair to me?"
"...just tell me what to do."
"I'm not doing all this just for selfish reasons. I'm not good for you right now either. I think it will be good for you as well as me if we can stand on our own for awhile."
"...just tell me what to do."
She was sick of having to tell him what to do. He was never going to see what she saw, regardless of all the clarity PJ told her to give him. He was not capable of change. She didn't fault him for that, but it did make her feel like she was doing the right thing.
The right thing had never been so hard in her life. She felt like she was leaving a puppy by the side of a highway.
She would never leave behind high school life. Her feelings felt heightened the way they would in high school when your emotions are all out of wack regardless of the circumstances. In high school, if the boy didn't like you, it was the end of your world. The only difference is now, it kind of is.
After leaving him to gather his thoughts, he came up to bed. He wordlessly looked at her bare hands, then down at his own. She thought she saw him realize how long it had been since she had worn her ring. He slowly removed his old wedding ring and set it on his bedside table, turning out the light. She had a feeling that was the last time it would be on his finger.
"That was quick." Was his response. When she got home he talked about his friend who had died, and how he didn't want to waste his life. She thought it seemed positive, like he was going to take action.
The next night she went out for a walk by the river with PJ. They hadn't had a chance to be alone and talk in months, and she desperately needed her friend. After going over all the specifics, he said "Have you told him this with as much clarity as you've told me?"
"I'm so afraid of hurting him further. He asked for three weeks, I figure then he'll have his shit together and he can get his own place. He'll be able to make it on his own."
"Then you are still enabling him. You need to go home now and be very clear, very specific. Although I don't understand how a man can be okay with not having a job this long."
"He's always had everything taken care of, handed to him. He just doesn't know any better. That's part of the problem. I just can't take care of everything anymore. I'm so emotionally drained."
"You need to tell him this. He deserves the kind of clarity you have right now. And whatever you do, please don't fill the holes of your soul with anything other than your feelings right now. Don't do anything with KSL, don't drink, don't do drugs--not that you do anyway." PJ was saying the right thing, but she also knew she wouldn't be doing it. She had plans to go up and drink with Goldie right afterwards, and she wasn't going to turn it down. She thanked him, they hugged, and he went home to AB.
PJ had said all the right things, the things she needed to hear but didn't want to hear. She knew she had to take his advise, and shortly afterwards she went home.
He had baked, and talked about things he had done. He saw her face and said "Am I trying too hard?"
She opened her mouth, closed it. It was so hard to say mean things to someone she cared about. "Just say it." He said dejectedly.
She opened her mouth again. "You are trying too late. Years and years too late. You trying is not who you are, and that's fine. It's just not for me anymore. I don't want to change who you are just to suit me."
The words hung in the air, echoed in her brain painfully. He said "That's fair. Excuse me." and walked out of the room. He had never been this sad, and she was unsure what to do. She gave him space as she set her stuff for the next work day in the bathroom (she did this so she didn't have to turn on the bedroom light and wake him up early in the morning), then went downstairs to check on him.
"I'm sorry, crying isn't very manly of me." He said, as if he had been aware of the conversation she and Goldie had. "I don't mean to emasculate you with this" she said, her throat catching. She had never seen him this sad before. The guilt washed over her like a wave, but she dug her heels into the sand to also stand her ground. She looked up at his computer screen and saw "Apartments for rent in [old city]" and said "Do you want to move back there?"
"No, but I don't think I have a choice, if I can't find work here. Maybe they'll take me back at my old job. Then it would be easier for you to be here."
"You are going to leave me alone to explain this to everyone? You think that's fair to me?"
"...just tell me what to do."
"I'm not doing all this just for selfish reasons. I'm not good for you right now either. I think it will be good for you as well as me if we can stand on our own for awhile."
"...just tell me what to do."
She was sick of having to tell him what to do. He was never going to see what she saw, regardless of all the clarity PJ told her to give him. He was not capable of change. She didn't fault him for that, but it did make her feel like she was doing the right thing.
The right thing had never been so hard in her life. She felt like she was leaving a puppy by the side of a highway.
She would never leave behind high school life. Her feelings felt heightened the way they would in high school when your emotions are all out of wack regardless of the circumstances. In high school, if the boy didn't like you, it was the end of your world. The only difference is now, it kind of is.
After leaving him to gather his thoughts, he came up to bed. He wordlessly looked at her bare hands, then down at his own. She thought she saw him realize how long it had been since she had worn her ring. He slowly removed his old wedding ring and set it on his bedside table, turning out the light. She had a feeling that was the last time it would be on his finger.
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