Wednesday, October 19, 2016

A Bad Person

"I should feel more guilty about this.  I really really should.  I'm a bad person."  She told Dawn.

"Listen, you know I don't judge.  You were having a lot of feelings and that is just what happened.  It's not good or bad.  It just is."

Dawn had taken her out to breakfast and to run errands all day to distract her from her drama.

"So basically, you were emotionally vulnerable, so was KSL, mix in some liquor and opportunity, and you fucked him...I think that things like that happen all the time." Her friend messaged her.

"Really?!?!  That makes me feel a little better." she answered.

"Hey, you did something in the heat of the moment in a vulnerable space...welcome to being human.  You're not a bad person."

She felt a sense of relief.  At least someone didn't think she was a bad person.  She still felt like a bad person.

"Thank you.  I really needed to hear that from someone."  She replied.

"Although I'd advise against spending too many nights in the arms of Crazy McPsychoPants.  Even if you do need some lovin...he ain't worth the regret."

"Trust me, we went too hard for me to ever try it again.  I look like I got into a car accident." She messaged.

"Well, it's a good thing that it's winter!"  KSL said, pointing to her arm after she got out of the bathroom.  She looked down and saw the imprint of what could have been his dental records in her arm.  She was embarrassed, and then petrified.  The next day she would find out that not only did the bruises cover her arms and breasts, but he had also been so aggressive that her ears were ringing...and not from the drinking, but from the bruises on her earlobes.  The pain would continue for days, she felt hungover for a long time.

She gave the rundown to PJ the next night, while at the same time sharing with him how uneasy she felt when Piz had shown up unexpectedly to KSL and Acrobat's show the other night.  Something about how 3 guys in the same building making her feel like an enormous slut.  PJ had picked up on something going wonky with her that night, and she explained.  He understood, as he always did.

"I'm not saying this is an excuse, what I did was wrong.  But, this would have never happened had he just been there for me.  I give my everything to this relationship, and I'm not getting much back.  I get that it is early, but...he should have come to the club.  He should have come out for one drink with me during his birthday.  I get that he's in school and overwhelmed with 700 level classes, but I'm not getting what I need from him.  He doesn't care as much as he should for me.  He's not ready for this, and it's unfair that I'm holding to it.

He didn't text her again after Saturday night until Tuesday afternoon.  He asked what she was doing on Friday after work.  She had a blood test to take, but then she was free.  He wanted to meet at her favorite bar at 7:00 PM.  No dinner, no picking her up, no swinging by the apartment.

The writing was on the wall.  Come Friday, this relationship was over.

"Just keep your heart guarded Penny." PJ said to her.

She was so afraid that it was too late.

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