Friday, October 7, 2016

Peak Loneliness

One afternoon, a conversation between her and KSL turned to why he was so depressed as of late.

"I think I'm hitting peak loneliness. Saw the ex the other day, we chatted a bit. She gave me a hug. And it felt empty. There was nothing there. I couldn't tell if she was intentionally holding back or if she was just truly done with me, and I don't know which is worse. But I jokingly was like "Thanks for humoring me with the hugs." And she did nothing to dissuade me from that assessment. I mean, I dunno what I expected. And I feel truly alone now. I gave up my right to ask how her day went, or see how she's doing, or to try and offer words of comfort during her hard times. Maybe I'm trying to rationalize my way back to her just so I won't be alone. Which would be the worst reasoning. Hence my depressive state right now."

"Well I can certainly understand that. This weekend I thought about the same things. I miss having a person to go straight to when I was upset about something, or have them ask me about my day. Have someone to automatically care. I texted Piz about how my friend's brother had died and all he texted back was "I'm so sorry." He didn't offer to come over, or ask if I needed anything. It felt empty. It made me miss my ex for a minute, before I realized that he wouldn't have asked either. You might have...and it made me miss us for a hot minute. Even in this relationship I'm alone...I think that's who we are. To get someone that truly understands us is rare. Granted I didn't get the full KSL Girlfriend experience or anything, but I saw it when you were with your ex. You and I just give more in a relationship than other people, so we are always going to be disappointed when we don't get that back."

"It's funny you say that, as I'm often accused of not being the giving type in a relationship. I'm a sponge. I soak up everything-- affection, affirmation, etc-- but then when I give it back, I get wrung out and emptied, and I need more to replenish what was lost. I'm unable to manufacture it on my own. It's a problem."

"Listen, I'm not saying that you don't also do do. You need attention like oxygen. It's hard. It is hard being in a relationship with you where you seem satisfied. I can count exactly once when you seemed honestly happy with me. Me saying that I would give us a chance and be in a relationship with you...that was a big deal. But I'm not shitting on you, that's just who you are. You require a lot. I'd like to think that I'm pretty easy going but I know I must demand a lot too. "

"Yeah. If I can ask-- what was that one time?"

"It was the last time we were together. We were laying on the bed, and I told you that I thought you were a wonderful person. I laid it all out, built you up...told you every awesome thing about how and how you shouldn't feel bad about yourself. I put myself out there and it was really scary for me. You looked at me and I knew it was the only time I'd ever gotten through to you. Then you kissed me. We had sex, and it was sweet. That's when I knew it was the end. Because I literally poured everything that I was into that speech, and it was the only time I made you happy. I knew I couldn't give that much every time, not without getting something back...and it was over."

"Damn. That's...deep."

No comments:

Post a Comment