Friday, April 29, 2016

Planned Demolition

"I might be moving into planned demo mode.  So like, how demo experts plan to destroy a condemned building with the least amount of collateral damage? Like that, but applied to my relationship" KSL messaged her.  Then came the usual "Gonna take some time" etc that he always said.  Later on in her studio he brought it up again.

His therapist had him make a "quadrant" of decisions.  One was staying with his girlfriend positives and negatives, and the other was having or not having a child with her.

She felt an involuntary shutter within her, but kept it under the surface.  A few days earlier she had read him the blog entry that said he would be a good father.  She had seen his reaction when she read it, he was touched.  She didn't realize that he had been so serious about having a child with her that it would be something he would talk about with his therapist.  He left space open for her to insert her opinion while he was telling his story, but she didn't offer it.

She was thinking about her own situation, how she would most likely not have kids at this point.  Even though according to WHMS "the clock doesn't really start ticking until you are 36" that was only a year away.  Like she usually did, her overactive imagination created a reality where they raised a child together within an instant. She shook her head violently, as if to shake the image out.  She had to stop getting so attached to people who didn't feel the same way about her.

He dealt in such extremes, it was strange for her.  She couldn't wrap her head around it.  The way she was having a hard time with his ability to just turn off his attraction to her.  After the utter embarrassment of him pulling away from her last time, it wasn't something she was ever going to try again.  It looked like the fire was officially put out between them.  For now.

Thursday, April 28, 2016


"Look, regardless of how it felt in the moment, it still wasn't right.  Not a judgement against you.  Of the two of us, you are the one that is unattached."

She got the message as she got into the car.  She wasn't sure how to respond, so she drove.  16 minutes later she was still thinking about it when another text came through.  She put the car in park and looked down to see "Mmmmm, silence.  I can only imagine the screenshots being taken for future blog reference."

She saw red.  What an asshole.  "That's a nice dig, but I was driving actually."  After insisting that he didn't mean it as a dig, she continued.  "I feel like you regard me as a mistake you made, and that I was just another warm body.  I'm interchangeable. Sorry for not being the Cool Girl about it, but that hurts.

"I'm sorry you feel so misused and cast aside.  Not what I'm trying to do.  You weren't and aren't those things."

She was floored and just didn't know what to say.  Instead she asked another question: "Why did you kiss me in my studio that night?  Random Impulse?"

Several minutes later her heart jumped as her phone went off.  He had sent "That is a trap.  No answer I provide is going to be good enough for you."

Her heart was ripping in two.  He knew her, she had explained herself to him.  She wasn't trying to trap him, she was trying to understand where she stood in his life.  She said that to him, that any answer that was the right answer was correct.  He said he didn't know, and he was in a confusing place right now and he would always be like that.  Then, uncharacteristically, he sent her a long message.

"I've got no rudder.  wind blows northerly, I north.  But right now, I feel becalmed.  There is no wind.  Nothing pushing me.  I'm dead in the water, supplies are low, and I'm waiting.  For what?  Death?  Rescue? Divine Intervention?  A fucking breeze?  I don't know.  In this metaphor, I would welcome any.  Because it beats being stuck.  What I won't do, however, is abandon ship and try my luck in a life raft.  That spells death.  I don't want to use you as a life raft.  Don't want you to be a warm body.  So if I seem a little different or distant lately, that's why."

She asked if he wanted her to keep her distance from him from now on.  He said no, that he was just trying to explain his being distant.  She shook a little, then sent the text: "I'm not hating or judging you.  Just trying to suss out what your feelings are for me.  Where I stand.  Wherever that is."

He replied "You are my friend, first and foremost. I need to respect and treat you as such."

"I'm wondering if I'm the only one you've messed around with that you weren't sexual attracted to." She prodded. "Who said there wasn't an attraction?" he replied.

The back and forth continued.

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Date with Destiny

"Hello!" PJ said in his own lighthearted lilt.  "I just got off work and I'm headed your way.  What is your apartment number?"

He greeted her at the door with one of his warm hugs, and took a cursory tour of the studio.  He tread quietly around and saw the view from the balcony.  He was impressed with the space, and like everyone else, said it would be good for her.

As they walked over to the bridge opening, he said how he was actually looking forward to his evening, as plans had been canceled last minute; an introverts dream.  He said he wasn't getting tired of having nothing to do after work, and he and AB were living it up doing something different every weekend.  She was really happy for them, they still seemed so amazing together.  She was still a little sad that she took most of his time, but nothing could be done about it.  She just had to treasure the time that she did get with him.

As they approached the new bridge, she spotted her...husband?  Ex?  She wasn't sure what to call him anymore.  She saw him taking photos out on the bridge, that was currently only open to foot traffic.  They went in for an awkward hug and talked for a few minutes as they walked across the bridge, then he had to go to rehearsal that was just across the street.  He did share that he was getting a little further in the interview process for a job, which she praised him for.  What else could she do?  She was happy that her friends life was looking up, after she crushed it.  It was all so awkward.

She and PJ walked together in silence across the rest of the bridge, and was about to head down to the water when she spotted her sister and her friend.  They invited themselves over to her apartment, so she said goodbye to PJ and took them upstairs after they all walked back.  PJ gave her a look as he walked away, and she worried that he had an idea of what she'd done.  If he did, he would be so disappointed in her.

Her sister and her sister's friend were obnoxious, so she gave them a basic tour and then kicked them out.  Not a moment too soon, as her nerves had started to get fried.

She stepped into her apartment and felt the energy.  Her sister had helped her raise her desk, and PJ had fixed the door that had gone off the rollers.  Except for some pots and pans, the place was pretty well moved in.  It was glorious.  A few minutes later she was off to Goldie's to enjoy some wine and to sit there as the girls went through all the dancing scenes of the latest Magic Mike.  She shook her head almost the whole time, laughing at how silly they were.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Deny Deny Deny

 She told her husband the bad news in the car.  She expected him to be more angry, or upset, but he was more calm than she was about it.  "I'm just upset with how much trust you just lost in your best friend.  You can't get that back.  I knew word was going to get out eventually, I expected that.  This is worse for you."

She started to tear up, and he reached over and took her hand.  She left her hand in his for a little while, feeling the weight of it.  On the surface it was the same way that KSL had held her hand on her birthday, but below the touch it was so much different.  It felt both comfortable and awkward.  A friendly hand hold.  Though it had only been a week, she missed their friendship, but not their relationship.


"So, your little friend asked me if I was going to be changing my name after my divorce was finalized." She said later to BFF.

"WHAT?!?!  I'm texting her right now.  I'm so embarrassed and mad."

"Did you say something to her?"

BFF couldn't remember.  But if she had, she made sure to tell her it was under wraps.  She seemed to have no problem only admitting to that, but not seeing a problem with it.  She could feel the end approaching for her friend if she didn't stop trusting all the wrong people.  To her credit, BFF felt terrible about it, but she felt it was too little, too late.  After all that, BFF still wanted her and her little friend to be friends.  She didn't see that it would never happen.

Although she said she wasn't going to, BFF ended up texting her mouthy-ass friend through a majority of the wine walk.  It was disappointing to say the least. There was no way that their friendship would ever be the same after this.

Monday, April 25, 2016

Yet More Trust Issues

"Hey there [last name]!  Hey...are you going to change your name?"

"Excuse me?"

"Are you going to change your know, afterwards?  Like, change your name back?"

"I'm not.....I'm not changing my name."

"Oh!  Okay, just wondering."

She was shaken to her very core.  She became so very angry that she started shaking and literally seeing red.  BFF must have told this woman, it was her friend.  No one else hung out with this girl except the BFF.  How could she do this?  Trying to sabotage her relationship with KSL was one thing, but this was something entirely different.  Not only did she tell her she was separated, but told her she was getting a divorce!  Something that wasn't even talked about yet, and she just assumed.

She texted Goldie who was up in her penthouse with a dislocated hip and told her.  "Maybe she didn't get it from BFF.  Maybe she got it from your post about moving."

She didn't think the woman was smart enough to figure it out from a post that basically just said "Can anyone help me move?" from over a week ago.

Even if they were friends, what kind of a question is that to ask someone out of nowhere?  She had gone through a divorce, you'd think she have more compassion.  She was so pissed at BFF that she could tell BFF understood that something was up later that night.  She didn't say anything, she didn't want to act rashly.  They had a wine walk to go to the next day, and she decided that she would decide on an approach there.  Right now all she could decide was that she wanted to scream loud as day directly into her face.

Friday, April 22, 2016

Not Feeling is the Best Solution

"Vodka has convinced me that disassociation is best. If he's gonna pretend like (the feelings part of it) didn't happen then so can I" she said to Sleuthy.

After a lot of drinking with Super Director (and a small lie when she'd asked her if she'd made out with anyone since the separation yet), she decided that she needed to act like it didn't happen.  That they were just friends with a tiny bit of sexual tension.

Do friends give each other bruises with their mouths?  Do friends make out and grope topless with each other?  Not in her world...which is why it wouldn't happen anymore.  She wasn't going to go out of her way to do anything but text him as a friend would if she saw something he would find amusing.  No more flirting.  No more inviting him to the studio unless it was convenient for her.  She had to be done, emotionally cut off.

He clearly didn't have his feelings sorted out with her yet, and so it was just easier to go back to the start, to G-rated Disney friendship.  Maybe a reset was what they needed.

If they could be open with each other, there would be much to say.  She would write him an open letter of questions, mostly just asking him where she stood.  Because she couldn't ask him, she instead opted for just standing aside.  

The vodka had worn off and she had still decided this was the best course of action.  Let's see how long her resolve would hold out.

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Drained and Confused

"But he didn't stick his tongue down your throat?" Sleuthy asked.

"Not last night, no."

"So maybe he was serious about it not happening again?"

"Maybe. But then quit talking about us having sex if it's never gonna happen, you know?  But he did listen to my writing...which is more than any guy has ever done."

"It's just that you spent hours yesterday wondering how conflicted he was about being with you, and then when the time came, he choose not to.  It just doesn't sound promising."

"To be fair it never did. As much as I like him I could never trust him to stay faithful to me. That's kind of a deal breaker right off the bat.  But I was kinda hoping for a small, torrid love affair before the fizzle.  Not the "girl bares soul" and then fizzle." 

"Yeah you basically read your diary to him and then he criticizes you to wanting intimacy after that."

She was right...where was this going?  Her chest began to tighten; what had she done?  She had really opened up to him, only to be smacked down.  Her soul hurt, and her breathing became shallow.  What the hell did he really even want with her?  Did he say the things that he said just to get her to sleep with him?  Had she, at the age where she could become president, fallen for some high school level bullshit?  What kind of an idiot was she?

"So maybe he is respecting your wishes?  Regarding a relationship?"

"...maybe? I don't know. Then what the heck was Saturday night?  Why have I had to hide my upper arms all week? Was that respecting my wishes?  That's what I can't really figure out. I mean, I had spent all day moving, my hair was dirty, I had no makeup on, I was sweaty...and all that happened. I was the least desirable I've ever been. So what happened?  Can that much passion be born out of pity?"

"Stop it, you know it wasn't pity."

"I just don't understand the action behind it, the back and forth. I told him not to kiss me again unless he liked me, and he did. But did he remember that conversation, or did he just feel like kissing me?  Or maybe it is just simple. Boy wanted to stick his dick in something, did what he thought he needed to do. It didn't work, Boy is no longer interested."

"You know the connection was emotional. You admitted it. He admitted it. To say any thing else is ridiculous. I don't know where his head is at now, but I do know he was genuine in the past."

Later she texted: "So, I'm just being crazy right now. I thought a lot about it, and honestly it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what he's thinking because he has a girlfriend. I'm laying no claim to him. If he comes to me, I'm not going to turn him away, but I can't seek him out either." 

She had calmed herself down over the course of the day, but the energy in the office was giving her anxiety on top of her anxiety.  She drove home fighting back tears, started her laundry fighting back tears, and sat in her studio, the emotions finally drained out of her.  She couldn't even cry.  She sat in silence listening to the roar of the city, and tried to stop feeling everything she was feeling.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

The Staged Reading of Meta

"I want to read the KSL stuff!"

"I'm NOT giving you the link to this blog, you can just forget it.  I'll maybe read you something."

So later KSL came over for a staged reading of this very blog.  She read him entries, spilling other monikers accidentally, up until March 17th.  He laughed, he corrected, he made fun of gently.  They joked about love languages and writing styles as he faced forward listening to her, as she faced him so he couldn't see the computer screen.  He called her writing style cinematic, which for a cinemophile such as himself was a high compliment.  It almost topped the time when he called her a good kisser just 5 days prior.

They made drinks and talked about his girlfriend and how he just needed to to get some money to leave.  "I just have no place to go."

"You have plenty of places to go!"  She retorted.  "What, am I gonna sleep on your couch for three weeks while I get money together?"  He said.  "You are welcome to!" She replied.

"Yeah, you'll just take advantage of me."  He said with a smile.  She said nothing, but the remark stung.  She hadn't made the first move any of the times that they had gotten together, so he was clearly projecting...but it was wearing thin on her heart to not feel wanted by him.

They continued the staged reading of this very blog until he had to leave.  They hugged and she grabbed his face and kissed him.  "Ooh, that one was you!" He said to her, pulling away after what felt like two seconds.

"Yeah, trying to take the lead." She mumbled, feeling like she had to make an excuse.  It was painfully awkward.  She felt especially exposed and vulnerable after he pulled away.  She had given so much of herself that night, she felt raw.  She put herself out there, and had nothing to show for it but an awkward kiss.  Their kisses had never been awkward before.  He had always made them feel easy and right.  This felt like a death.

He'd made several points to their being friends and not being involved throughout the evening, whether as something to push back against her, or he honestly just did this with all his friends.  He also made remarks to them being involved physically, so she might never know.  There was even a small conversation about how his love language was physical touch, and she was "just being a friend."  She was getting really good at pushing people away.

She walked him to the elevator, texted him to let her know he got home safe, then got ready for bed and wrote this post as she waited for his text.  It was all very Meta.

The next day she messaged him "I'm sure you guessed that I pre-gamed before you came over so I could get through last night. Sorry for slurring my way through it."

"It's fine."

"Was it? I feel like a giant open wound right now."

"I appreciate the trust you displayed. For what its worth, you didn't sound tipsy" 

 It didn't make her feel better.

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Acts of Service

After confiding to TM about her failing marriage last week, he insisted that she come to his Spiritual/Theatre...thing.  She wasn't sure how else to describe it.  The theme was Service, and he said it was very relevant to what she was going through right now.  He talked about how the main theme stemmed from when Jesus decided he wasn't above washing everyone else's feet, even though that was the job for the lowest person, and by doing so he elevated himself.  Seems like something that would only work for that guy, but it was an olive branch and so she took it and decided to go.

She knew it wasn't going to be her thing, but it actually was better than she expected.  It wasn't TM's part that resonated with her, but instead the other "reverend" who just said simply "If you are giving to someone who isn't giving back, but you keep giving, you are a martyr.  God doesn't want you to be a martyr."

She got a tear in her eye.  It was a real, honest sign that she was doing the right thing by separating from her husband.  It would benefit them both in the end, if they ended up together or not.  Even though everyone had said that this is good, for the best, reassured her...this was her sign.

Her future acts of service would need to be to herself, so she could in turn help others.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Virtually Flirty

Monday she decided a little flirting would lighten things up, and sent him this article laughing about how it matched their Scorpio and Pisces style perfectly.  Then she backed off.

Tuesday he sent her a photo of Dick Van Dyke with the words "Unsolicited Dick Pic" saying "Good Morning!  This should add some fuel to the rumor fire, haha"

She laughed out loud in her office and quickly covered her mouth.  She responded "There are more rumors?!?! From who?  Also, that is the best dick pic I'll ever get.  I'll take that every day."

He quickly texted back "I meant the existing rumors.  You set MG straight yet?"

"Ah, no new rumors then.  I set MG straight that night!  Not that it helped, she went straight to you....I'll snapchat her my bruise later."

"Don't you dare."  She smiled and put down her phone.  Later she made the excuse that she had too much leftover pizza and he should come over and help her eat it.  He said maybe which infuriated her.  She hated to be put on the back burner, in case something better came along.  He got upset with her, and she texted back "Well my apologies for not being the kind of girl that takes a maybe and puts it directly into my hope chest.  Didn't mean to offend you.  I am a natural born defeatist.  In fact that's the name of my biography.  And the chilling follow up, "Uncertainty Gives me Anxiety."" He laughed.

Around 8:30 he texted "Pizza invite still stand?  Heat two for me.  Be there in 5."

Although it wasn't back to Saturday status, it felt better between them.  He decided to do a dramatic reading of her blog, and actually sit down and read the posts she had earmarked for him.  They got from 2006 until 2010 of her life, her picking over the embarrassing posts.

He was making fun of her for something, and sideways glanced at her like he sometimes did.  She felt his gaze and turned to face him.  She got mesmerized by those freckles again, and felt like a kiss was imminent. She panicked and flicked his hat's bill to diffuse the tension.  She immediately regretted it.  She should have just kissed him, but she felt he needed more time.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Studio Sweet Studio

She stepped into her studio for the first time by herself after the Super Director's birthday.  Someone had always been over, and this time she was by herself.  She got things ready for work the next day.  Everything had it's place.

She looked out over the city, her city, and felt powerful.  She might go into debt staying here.  She might stay on here for a long time, longer than her lease.  She might hate it after 6 months.  Had she locked herself away in this tower on purpose, to protect her from the world like a princess in a fairy tale?  Who knows.  In this moment however, it was a thing of beauty.  She felt very, very alive.

This was her moment, and she was going to enjoy every minute of it.  She decided not to worry about money, just do the best she could do with what she had.  She was going to concentrate on her writing, devote herself every night to either writing something, or going out and making memories with friends.

She couldn't wait to get started.  Despite her East facing problem, she slept more soundly than she had in the last 13 years, her dragons and moat protecting her.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Show and Tell

"The place is still messy but come down early if you want to see it and hear a tale." She texted to Goldie.  The response, "Ooooohhh....your place at 8pm!?!"

It was Super Director's birthday, and they were planning to meet up in the lobby at 8:30 to start a little night of drinking.  About an hour before their meetup the BFF texted she was coming over early to check out the apartment.  She texted Goldie that story-time would have to be postponed.

BFF came over, sat down, and proceeded to bitch about the other friend that she didn't like but was remaining friends with.  It was droll, and she could have guessed all the twists and turns that BFF was throwing at her.  Goldie came a little later, and they hung out for a bit before piling in the car and heading out.

Once they arrived she felt in her purse for her phone and found it missing.  She had left it in the studio.  "Shit!"  She exclaimed and explained the situation to them.  She had driven so she couldn't drink, and now she couldn't entertain herself either.  "Don't worry," BFF said "We can take a selfie and post it to KSL's wall so that he knows you are safe."  She rolled her eyes at BFF and said "Let's just go."  Out of the corner of her eye she saw Goldie's eyebrows raise.

They kept breaking off into teams of 2 throughout the evening, so once she and Goldie were alone she said "Does BFF know about KSL and you?"

"NO!  You said to kept it vaulted and I have, she knows absolutely nothing."

"Okay, because that was just...did he stay OVER last night?!?!"

He must have forgotten to sign out of the log book in the lobby.  Living in the Ivory Tower with other people she knew had it's drawbacks.   She wondered if Super Director had seen it too.

"No, he left around midnight.  No sex.  Close, but no sex.  It got kinda rough too...I got bruises."  She waited for the judgement to come down from Goldie, expected it...but it never came.

"Oh yeah?  You'll have to show me later!  That's exciting!  My hubby can leave the biggest marks sometimes, its fucking hot."

She breathed a sigh of relief.  No judgement.  Goldie truly was an angel.

Later in the bathroom she showed off her battle scars.  "Holy shit girl, if they lose his dental records and he comes up dead they could just use your arm!  And those ones too?  Man, you had a good night."

She told her quickly about the end of the night weirdness.  "He's just trying to protect himself, he got scared he hurt you.  He'll come back around."

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

The Great Wall

She didn't sleep except for a few scarce hours at sunrise.  The sexual tension was built up like static electricity, and she wished she could just touch something metal to discharge herself.

She woke to the sun shining in brutally.  She finally understood what BW meant by having an East facing window was crap.  her white curtains did little to block the sun.  She took a picture from bed and sent it to him.  "I get why you always want to go to breakfast...who can sleep late with this oppressive sun?  And what's with those loud-ass geese?"

"I can hear them too.  Maybe it's mating season?  Let's get breakfast."

"Okay, but I have to shower first.  I had a whole 32 ouncer last night and I'm sure I smell like booze." She replied, leaving out the almost-sex part.

"OMG, the primping.  Hurry up!"

She got out of bed and went to the bathroom, taking off her old t-shirt in front of her mirror.  Then she saw something large and black on her arm and gasped.  Her hand went to the spot, ready to flick away whatever gross bug or whatever it was had landed on her.  Her vision focused in and she realized it was a bruise.  A bruise almost the size of her palm, more black than purple.  She touched it, it didn't hurt.  Upon further inspection, she realized it was the size of his mouth.  His fingertips were etched in bruises on her other arm, and there were several tiny bruises across her chest.

She hadn't realized how out of hand it had gotten.  She had gotten her first sex bruise.  She couldn't tell anyone about it...but she was still a little proud.

BW urged her to hurry, so she jumped in the shower and then went through her closet trying to find a half sleeve shirt to cover up her torrid night.  Breakfast was fun but uneventful.  BW kept marveling in how many bears were in the Black Bear Diner, making her laugh until she cried.  She was really going to miss him when he spent a few months in Prague.

She texted KSL asking if he was still coming to help her out that day.  He said yes, but at noon.  She asked him to meet her at the storage unit.

They hugged, and he followed her into the unit.  "So," she started, "I didn't realize how intense we got last night."

"Oh?" He said, his eyebrow raising in interest.  She pushed up her sleeve to show him the bruise.  His eyes widened in....fear?  Was it fear?  It certainly seemed it.  She realized with his history of violence, he was most likely going to worry about hurting her.  She assured him that it was really impressive, and she was glad she didn't have anyone to really answer to that day.  She saw his wall go up.  She never should have told him about it.

They packed random stuff in the car and headed to the front of her building where they were unpacking into grocery carts.  BFF drove by in her car, rolled down the window as she passed and whooped at them.  "Bitch." KSL mumbled under his breath.

Despite the wall being up and him being extremely reserved, he was very helpful.  He made dinner and put away all the groceries, ran all around town with her, went on an adventure for a pizza cutter, but was still very silent (for him) the whole day.  There was little to no eye contact, and he was always looking at his phone.  Like he was just fulfilling an obligation.  While they were in line he again said he was proud of her decision.  "At least you aren't going through this alone."

"....aren't I?" She asked.  His look was very hurt, and she suddenly realized that he had meant he was there for her.  As a friend.  She apologized, but another foot had already gone up on his wall.  She was pushing him away without even knowing she was doing it.  Why?

Because he had a girlfriend.  That's why they hadn't had sex the last night too.  She couldn't bring herself to fully be the other women.  She realized she was splitting hairs on the cheating thing at this point, but she just didn't feel right about it.  Part of her really wanted to drop it and just have fun with him.

 He noticed she was changed by his mood, and had become more reserved.  He pulled her aux cord in her car and started blasting music that would cheer her up, loud music.  It was classic KSL while in the car, he gave her lots of sideways glances to check her mood.  He commented on her smile as certain things amused her.  He made fun of her driving.  "I'm glad I've always made you drive before.  Let's go back to that." She said.

After setting up a few things in the studio, he suddenly said he had to go.  "But we haven't had time to over-talk about last night." She joked to him.

"No, that's good." He said rather coldly and with finality.  "I'll call you tomorrow."

She didn't walk him to the elevator, instead closing and locking the door behind him.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

The Ivory Tower part 4

With one fluid motion he had flipped her over and started kissing her neck fervidly.  She arched her back to meet his lips and he cradled the small of her back with his hands.  Before she realized what was happening, he had pulled down one side of her bra and was biting and sucking at her nipple.  His beard grazed the area and burned ever so slightly.  It was electrifying.  It was something right out of a porno.  She felt every single cell in her body.

"Cm'on, we are losing the bra.  I've already had one in my mouth for crying out loud!" He said to her.  As a sign of good faith he took off his tank, then took her bra off her. He took her in his arms and they kissed passionately.  Then, right outside the window a test firework went off at the ballpark, startling them both.  They turned towards the open window on her 19th floor apartment and watched the short show in each others arms.

"Couldn't have said it better myself." She said to him.  He smiled, turned her around, and started kissing down her back, grabbing at her breasts aggressively.  They silently urged the other further, and consensually it got more and more intense. There was biting, sucking, and in-between some brutally honest conversation.  How great everything felt, how they felt about each other.  He said she was a great kisser.  He laughed at her when she took it as a huge compliment and blushed.  Even though it drove him crazy, he let her suck on his earlobes, moaning with lack of self control.

"Please let me at least give you an orgasm."  He begged her.  She declined.  He told her to do her worst to him, and she did everything she could really do.  He accused her of being "60% Penny" and he wanted 100%.

"You know I can't give you 100% right now.  I'm giving you as much of myself as I'm able to right now."


"You know why, shut up and kiss me."

After a few more minutes of romp, he said "Tell me what you want."

She thought back to her conversation with Goldie, when she told her that she needed an alpha male.  "I just need someone to take over, be an alpha male." It was her way of admitting it to herself, that that is what she needed.  In life.  Not in the moment.  It was her mistake.

He took that as the big go ahead, and went harder, faster.  After his hand wandered down her pants, she grabbed his hand and whispered his name.

He stopped dead, and asked her what she wanted to do.  "You said you wanted someone to take charge, that's what I'm doing.  You need to make up your mind here."  She hesitated, then said "I just can't.  I'm sorry.  It's not that I don't want to--"

He rolled onto his back and said "No, it's fine.  I get it, I'm the asshole."

"You are NOT an asshole.  I really want to--"

"S'fine.  I get it."

They sat in silence for a minute, her playing with his hair and laying on his chest.  He said "I guess this was a date after all. We went to dinner, a show, and no sex." KSL tapped his Fitbit to check the time, and said he had to get home.

He didn't even kiss her goodbye.

Monday, April 11, 2016

The Ivory Tower part 3

They started off to the improv show, deciding to walk as it was only a few blocks away.  Goldie, Super Director, TM and BFF were all part of the troupe, and she was a little afraid that someone would think they were dating.  She ended up only deflecting one person, MG, telling her "Girl, you told me he had a small penis so why would I be after that?  Trust me, it's not a date.  He just helped me move and you guys were right down the street."

As it was, only one person guessed the truth of her separation and talked to her a little at intermission, a friend in an open marriage.  He told her she was doing the right thing, and they hugged.  She felt so happy to have this many people in her corner. 

Except for sitting next to him during the show, she tried not to be near KSL to dispel any rumors.  Not even one whisper happened between them during the show.  Afterwards they talked to separate people and seamlessly worked the room opposite each other until it was time to leave.  They met up at the door and headed out without a word to anyone.

After the show they walked back to her studio.  KSL said he was also approached by MG asking if it was a date after the show.  He was angry about it.  "I'm helping you move, it's not a date!"  He exclaimed.  She agreed.  It had actually been more intimate than a date so far.

They finished setting up the couch and flopped down on it, her head on his chest. They discussed the improv show and how fun it was.  They admitted what they had was a bit more, but as always he was afraid of "screwing up their friendship." As their discussion wound down he asked her "Do you still want that massage?"

Of course she did, there is nothing she loved more than back massages.  There was a caveat though.  "You are gonna have to lose the sweater."  She started to protest and he stood up and said "Hey, look, I'll do it too," and he took off his shirt so he was only wearing a tank top.  "Not exactly the same, but I guess I'll take it." she said, and removed her sweater so she was only wearing her strappy lululemon sports bra.  He told her to lay face down on the bed, straddled her and went to work.

She couldn't help but moan as he worked the kinks out of her back.  "Is it too much, am I hurting you?" He asked with concern.  Her no was muffled by her pillow.  She assured him that it was rough, but felt amazing.  She felt so relaxed, and alive.  She could feel in the air what was about to happen, and welcomed it.

Friday, April 8, 2016

The Ivory Tower part 2

They went out for something to eat, grabbed their favorite portable alcoholic beverage, and headed back to her apartment to set up her couch and organize boxes.  A little tipsy at this point, they kissed passionately in-between tasks, taking breaks to lower each others blood pressure.  She felt how hard his heart was beating in his neck and said "Ahhhh, buddy!"  He told her to keep calling him that, as it made her less desirable.  She wrinkled her nose at him, as she meant it to be affectionate.  They laughed and joked, flirted and worked like a team together. He promised her a back massage later, her favorite thing.

He brought up the birthday kiss while they were at dinner, and he was just drunk enough to let down his guard and admit that it was a mutual understanding they had came to beforehand, subconsciously.  Everything between them was fine, not weird, and it was okay.  A perfect place to be.

As they were putting things away a smell caught her attention.  "Does it smell like cigarettes in the kitchen?  That's weird, I only smell it in the kitchen."  She was worried about her new place being damaged already, right out of the packaging.  KSL came and sniffed around, eventually coming to the conclusion that it was coming from the hood above the stove.  She went over to smell for herself, but came up about a foot short.  KSL grabbed her waist and lifted her easily onto the counter top so she could smell the hood.

"Holy shit, look at how perfect this is," he said, gesturing to his crotch area, which was counter top level perfect to her own.  "Great," she retorted "Now just breakup with your girlfriend before my lease is up and we can try it out."

He shot her a dirty look.  "Hey," she said softly, pulling him to her with her legs "Come here for a second."  She grabbed his face as he grabbed her ass and pulled her to him.  His lips still tasted like the sweetness of the shared beverage, just like her birthday kiss.  When they broke apart they stayed close, staring into each others eyes.  He took a deep breath and shook his head slightly from the intensity.

"We need a distraction.  Let's go to the Improv show."

Thursday, April 7, 2016

The Ivory Tower part 1

Her phone ran as she started the truck to return it.  It was KSL.  "Hey, so I just got off of work and I can come help.  What's going on?"

"Um, well I'm taking back the rental truck now.  My husband is up at the studio if you want to swing by there, but as soon as I get back from there I have to drive him home.  You could go hang with him if you want."

"Hang with your soon-to-be-ex-husband?  No thanks.  I'll walk around downtown for awhile."  He said.  It was the first time he'd really spoken of her husband disparagingly.

She hurried at the rental place, rushed back to the apartment, and took her husband back to her mother's house.  When trying to leave her husband stopped her. "So, how do we do this?"  She winced but stayed silent.  "Do I call you, do you want to be left alone?  Should I give you a week or something?" He asked.

She wanted to say "When did you ever call me before?" But didn't want to start a fight.  Despite everything she didn't want to be cruel to him.  She also wanted to leave to get to KSL who she'd kept waiting for over an hour.  "Look, if something is funny and you want to tell me...then text me.  If you don't, don't.  It's that simple.  I've got to go."

She sped back to her apartment.  KSL had been walking around awhile and had worked up a sweat.  Spring had seemed to finally arrive in the last few days. His face glistened as he walked in her door, and he made a bee-line to her 19th floor balcony.  He praised the view of the river, the sight she was going to get of the fireworks during the 4th of July and for baseball games.

"This really is an awesome place you scored.  This is going to be so good for you."  KSL said as he gazed out at her view.  The sun had just started to sink below the horizon and the colors were brilliantly streaked across the sky.

He was looking out over the river, at the exact place where they'd had their first "portable alcoholic beverage" and commiserated about their lives.  Where they started breaking all their rules, starting with crossing the line down to the river.  Though she had moved in mere hours before, she was already nervous for him to leave.  She didn't want him to.

She was glad that he felt she was doing what was best for everyone.  She agreed it was really great, and she was only feeling mildly guilty about feeling so great.  "Don't feel guilty.  You are doing the right thing here." He said reassuringly, turning to face her. She gazed at him from just inside her studio's patio door.  The air changed between them in an instant.  It was charged like static electricity.

He took two big strides inside towards her, took her face in his hands, and kissed her.

With tongue.

As the kisses went on he bit her lip aggressively, and she thought that finally this was the KSL that  she knew.  This was him not holding back, this was him.  When they finally broke apart, she smiled at him and said "THAT'S what I'm talking about!"

Wednesday, April 6, 2016


They hadn't seen each other since the end of the show, and she was struggling to find the balance between asking to hang out and not looking like she was desperate to hang with him.  It had ended that night on a weird note, and she wasn't sure where to take it.  She hated putting herself out there to be rejected, so she was sensitive but still trying to make things work.  She'd send him something that she thought was funny or comment on his Facebook posts.  She noticed that he'd posted about seeing Batman vs Superman for the third time and sent him a message.

"I was gonna ask if you wanted to see BvS tonight but you've already seen it three times :-("


"It's cool, I'll catch it someday.  You wanna do something else or are you busy?"

"I may be busy"

For some reason this comment enraged her.  She hated that kind of half-assed response to keep people on the hook for plans.  Either he had plans or he didn't, but she wasn't willing to be his fall back plans.  She'd had enough of that with the flakes in her old city.  She lashed out.

"You *may* be *busy*.....okay got it."

"Jesus.  I have plans to hang with my girlfriend.  But if she gets a migraine, that shit falls through.  I'm sorry that the chronic problems she suffers make it so I can't commit to plans sometimes.  Fuck."

After talking through it with Sleuthy she saw where it had gone wrong.  He was trying to protect her from talking about his girlfriend, thinking she would get upset that he was spending time with her.  Men.

"That's all you have to say though, stop with all the elusive!  When you say "I may be busy" to me that says "I need some time to find a reason not to hang with you today."  It's like you think I'm not going to understand.  I get it, but you have to say it.  Otherwise I'll fill in the blanks and I'm usually not that positive."

"Fair enough."

"Sorry.  It's been a rough week for me, I'm like super hyper-sensitive." She never apologized to anyone, she was totally unsure why she kept apologizing to him.

"Understandably so.  Sorry."

"I do though, I get it.  It's a rough situation you are in too, and you can totally tell me.  We are friends, I'm not going to be mad at you for having plans with your girlfriend."

He didn't answer.  Later she texted him about the play, he had mentioned that his girlfriend wanted to be involved in more theatre.  That turned into a blow up about flaky people and being last minute about plans.  It was enough to make a sane person crazy.

Sometimes she wondered if they were both too thin-skinned to be friends with each other.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Vehicular Manslaughtering

She got out of work and booked it to their car insurance appointment.  They both currently had full coverage, and the funds were just not there for that any longer.  He texted her several times before she got there, telling her to meet him inside and then in the office.  It was an understatement to say she was stressed out and just wanted to get this over with.

It turned out they could cut costs by a lot, but it was still more money apart than together.  She went against her better judgement and decided to remain together on the policy for now.  During the end of the meeting BFF called her, and she sent her to voicemail.

When they finished up their meeting she checked the voicemail, but her husband started talking to her at the same time.  She was pulled in different directions, half listening to the message and half listening to her husband, in the end not really listening to anyone.  She just gathered that the voicemail was wanting to see if she wanted to hang out, and her husband was saying the free preview of his play was tonight, and did she want to go.  He said he was talking to PJ and HE said he was going with AB, as if that would change her mind one way or another.  He gave her back her tire pump.  He was still driving around on a spare from a couple of days ago when he ran over a nail.  They weren't getting his replacement tire in until the next day.

"BFF just left me a voicemail, I need to call her back.  We'll try to make it."  She said.  "I have to go return these props from Goldie's movie before I do anything else, I need that money back on my card for the move."  She could tell he felt hurt, but she had things to do and couldn't placate him any more.

She returned the props, called BFF and met up with her at her house.  On the way she called Mo who was also having trouble in his marriage.  His wife was checking his bank account and questioning every charge, completely unhealthy for the marriage.  Mo was very stubborn, and not willing to listen to her advice.  She could do nothing but tell him to hang in there, and feel what he needed to feel.

The play was amusing, and it was nice to see everyone.  Because it was preview night, the cast was still getting notes, so they headed out right afterwards to go home.

She was getting her things ready for the next work day when she got a text from her husband.

"And I just got in a car wreck."

Her heart plummeted.  She called him, he said that everyone was pretty much fine, but he had run a red light, making it his fault.  Not a scratch on his car, but he took the front bumper off the other car.  She said to call when he was headed home and they hung up."

Tears already forming, she called BFF who answered right away.  "He got in a car accident, HOURS after we took down our car insurance.  I felt bad for him paying more money and so we stayed together on the policy and now MY insurance is going to go up.  I can't do this anymore, I can't..."

"There is nothing you can do right now.  Take a deep breath." BFF said to her calmly.  "You can't change what has already happened, and you are going to end up in the hospital if you don't let it go.  This is on him and he will have to take care of it, it's not your problem anymore."

She was right.  She thanked her, and went to lay down.  She got another call from her husband.  "The cops were nice, everyone was okay but the other guy went to the hospital since it was right across the street to get checked out."

"Was he driving an expensive car?" She asked with a hollow voice.

"No," he replied "Just an old Ford Taurus."

"Good.  I'm glad everyone is okay.  I have to get up in the morning for work so I'm going to bed now."

"I'll be home in 10 minutes."

"I might be asleep.  If I am I'll see you tomorrow."

She was almost asleep by the time he got home, and he made plenty of noise to try and wake her.  She pretended to be asleep, and he left the room to go downstairs on his computer.

Out of sheer exhaustion she fell into a deep sleep.  She awoke more angry than upset.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Spreading the Gospel

"So," she started, "There will be a guy calling to verify my employment, just to let you know." The office manager said "Oh yeah?  What's going on?"

"It's for an apartment."

"Oh yeah?  Did your husband get a job?"

"It's just for me actually."

The office managers face fell.  "Oh my gosh Penny, I'm so sorry.  Are you okay?" She pulled out a tissue and handed it to her.  It was premature; she didn't end up using the tissue except to shred it while she spoke.  She told her everything that went down the day they talked the previous week.

"I'm gonna be fine."

"Is this the first time you are going to be living by yourself?"

"Yeah.  Actually it is."

"That's actually pretty exciting!"

"It is.  I'm trying not to really tell anyone about the separation though."

Later on in the work day the new apartment came up in conversation.  Her boss asked her how much it was for a second parking spot in the building.  "Actually I'm only going to need one.  I'm moving in by myself."

Her boss and co-worker in the office were shocked, but made sure not to make a big deal out of it.  They were very nice.  They asked the right questions without prying too much.  They were very sympathetic, understanding, and supportive. They dropped the subject as soon as it was appropriate, and she felt safe.  She was so lucky to have found this place to work.

Sunday, April 3, 2016


"I sign a lease on Monday and move in on the first." She said to him.  He took a deep breath, and they talked about splitting their assets in the storage unit.  She had a week to get her things together for the move.  He offered to help her get everything together.  He spoke with her mother and her mother had agreed to let him stay in the house without her.

She stood in the middle of their storage unit going through books, making hard decisions.  Childhood books stayed, newer ones were discarded.  Was she really going to read Freaknomics? She had to be real with herself, as she only had 400 square feet to live in for the next year.  She was going to have to do without a lot of things.

But it was him that wasn't doing well.  "It feels so permanent, going through our stuff like this.  This is really happening.  I feel like we are over.  Like this isn't a separation." He started to cry again.  They hugged for awhile, then took their books to sell.  They used the money for lunch.

While at lunch they talked about their state of affairs.  They talked about friends they had, and about just telling people on a need-to-know-basis.  They talked as they hadn't in years.  It was nice, friendly, and weird.

It came up in conversation as to how extended the separation would go.  She joked about their friends who have an open relationship.  He asked if she was going to be seeing other people.  She took a deep breath, and said that she wasn't going to seek it out, but not stop it if anything happens.

"You know me...I can't sleep with anyone that I have an intense emotional connection with.  That takes a lot more time."  She said to him.  She told him if he wanted to get out there, not to worry about it.  He asked wouldn't she be jealous if they got back together and it turned out he made out or slept with someone else.  She said that this separation should be whole.  If he needed to seek solace with someone else, he should be able to have that support system in place.  She knew he wouldn't...but if he did, she did need to prepare herself.  It would be hypocritical if she didn't allow him some happiness with someone else.

Saturday, April 2, 2016

The Brief Loss, or Weakening of Consciousness

She hadn't felt La Petite Mort creep up on her yet in regards to this show.  She had a feeling that she and KSL would still be friends, and she and Super Director would be living in the same building very soon.

She made her way backstage as she got to the theatre to check on the props, when she was hit by the smell.  Backstage smelled like a combination of everyone who had lived out this play all month.  It was their sweat, their perfume, their makeup, their deodorant/antiperspirant.  They had made that smell the smell of the play, and it would never smell like that again.  It filled her with a sorrow that she didn't realize she had for this play.  Sure, it had been fun, but the cast hadn't grown especially close during the run, in fact had branched off into couples pretty early on in the process.  They were all very nice people, but they hadn't gone out of their way to socialize and bond with each other.

The play went very quickly and without issue.  The technical director ordered pizza, and they snacked as well as drank whisky from flasks and just enjoyed each others company.  The technical director said he was going upstairs to lower the swing, and she scampered after him.  It had been her favorite set piece, and she loved hearing the crowd be impressed as it lowered from the ceiling, going unnoticed until that moment.  It was fully functional and held up to 400 pounds.

Swinging indoors was something that she would never get over, it just felt amazing.  They stayed in the theatre for a long time taking turns swinging, but not so high as to hit the back of the stage wall.  She begged him to keep it up there for the future, as it brought her an enormous amount of joy.  KSL took tons of photos of her swinging, all hideous looking.  She made him delete them right away.  She was a little sad that she was the best photographer of the bunch, thereby making her invisible to the experience when she looked back.

They went to a smoky dive bar after cleaning up the theatre and dropping their stuff off at the car.  She had gotten more flowers for the end of the run, and it was going to be sad to be without them in a week.  As they walked to the bar, KSL asked what was said about him the night before in his absence.

"She said that your dick was small but you must have been good in bed because you made that other girl squirt.  She also warned me to stay away from you.  In fact, BFF said the same thing earlier today."

"Did she now?"

"Yep, she said that people are saying that we are fucking.  Of course I asked her what people, and really it was just the woman from the board sitting behind us at the play the other night.  Apparently she thinks sitting next to a person at a play constitutes fucking.  Anyway, I asked her if everyone's opinion of me is so low that they think I'm fucking around on my husband."

"And she said no, that my reputation was the bad one." He scoffed.  She nodded yes.  He was upset but there was nothing she could really do to console him.  He'd really dug his own grave on that, and wasn't making it any better with her.

They had time before everyone else showed up at the bar, so the kiss came up again.  "I asked BW, I asked Millennial Girl, and this Disney Friends With Benefits isn't a real thing."  She decided to ask him the selfish question "You said that night you would have kissed me before.  When?"

"When?  There were so many times; whenever we were saying goodbye, when we pulled away from a just felt like there should be a kiss afterwards.  Now I feel like I fucked up our friendship."

"Don't be like that." She said.  "I'm sure we'll be just fine."

Friday, April 1, 2016

The Oscillating Osculation

"Did he use tongue with the director?" Sleuthy asked. "That is a really good question." She answered.  "I'm thinking yes though."

The more she thought about these kisses the more offended she got.  Why wasn't she good enough for tongue? Was it some sort of Bro-out?

Goldie said it was totally a thing that millennials did.  "It's a sort of 'Disney Friends With Benefits' kind of thing.  It's been going on for about 5-7 years." Goldie messaged over Facebook.

"That's more insulting than not being kissed at all."  She messaged back.  Then she got angry and I said "I want to fucking slap him."

"That's second base." Goldie replied.  She wasn't in the mood for jokes though.  "I'm just so furious right now Goldie.  I'm like, embarrassed and enraged."

"Don't be," Goldie messaged back.  "I'm sure it meant more to him, this is just the easiest way for him to excuse his behavior without getting all deep."

"Yes I did kiss the director with tongue, but SHE started the tongue." KSL said when asked.  "Okay, then I'm a little insulted." She said.  He looked hurt and replied "Look, I'm sorry my history is upsetting you--"

"It's not about the history, it's about mutual respect." She cut him off.  "You know what, forget it."

"No, you can't do that shit anymore, we had an agreement.  What?  Tell me." KSL gently took her arm and guided her to sit down again.  She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes.

"Okay, fine.  In the future if you ever man up and admit that you like me, you need to stick your fucking tongue down my throat.  Got it?"

His eyebrows raised in admiration, and he nodded his head.  Then they high-fived.  Looks like the bromance was back on.