Thursday, April 21, 2016

Drained and Confused

"But he didn't stick his tongue down your throat?" Sleuthy asked.

"Not last night, no."

"So maybe he was serious about it not happening again?"

"Maybe. But then quit talking about us having sex if it's never gonna happen, you know?  But he did listen to my writing...which is more than any guy has ever done."

"It's just that you spent hours yesterday wondering how conflicted he was about being with you, and then when the time came, he choose not to.  It just doesn't sound promising."

"To be fair it never did. As much as I like him I could never trust him to stay faithful to me. That's kind of a deal breaker right off the bat.  But I was kinda hoping for a small, torrid love affair before the fizzle.  Not the "girl bares soul" and then fizzle." 

"Yeah you basically read your diary to him and then he criticizes you to wanting intimacy after that."

She was right...where was this going?  Her chest began to tighten; what had she done?  She had really opened up to him, only to be smacked down.  Her soul hurt, and her breathing became shallow.  What the hell did he really even want with her?  Did he say the things that he said just to get her to sleep with him?  Had she, at the age where she could become president, fallen for some high school level bullshit?  What kind of an idiot was she?

"So maybe he is respecting your wishes?  Regarding a relationship?"

"...maybe? I don't know. Then what the heck was Saturday night?  Why have I had to hide my upper arms all week? Was that respecting my wishes?  That's what I can't really figure out. I mean, I had spent all day moving, my hair was dirty, I had no makeup on, I was sweaty...and all that happened. I was the least desirable I've ever been. So what happened?  Can that much passion be born out of pity?"

"Stop it, you know it wasn't pity."

"I just don't understand the action behind it, the back and forth. I told him not to kiss me again unless he liked me, and he did. But did he remember that conversation, or did he just feel like kissing me?  Or maybe it is just simple. Boy wanted to stick his dick in something, did what he thought he needed to do. It didn't work, Boy is no longer interested."

"You know the connection was emotional. You admitted it. He admitted it. To say any thing else is ridiculous. I don't know where his head is at now, but I do know he was genuine in the past."

Later she texted: "So, I'm just being crazy right now. I thought a lot about it, and honestly it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what he's thinking because he has a girlfriend. I'm laying no claim to him. If he comes to me, I'm not going to turn him away, but I can't seek him out either." 

She had calmed herself down over the course of the day, but the energy in the office was giving her anxiety on top of her anxiety.  She drove home fighting back tears, started her laundry fighting back tears, and sat in her studio, the emotions finally drained out of her.  She couldn't even cry.  She sat in silence listening to the roar of the city, and tried to stop feeling everything she was feeling.

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