"Look, regardless of how it felt in the moment, it still wasn't right. Not a judgement against you. Of the two of us, you are the one that is unattached."
She got the message as she got into the car. She wasn't sure how to respond, so she drove. 16 minutes later she was still thinking about it when another text came through. She put the car in park and looked down to see "Mmmmm, silence. I can only imagine the screenshots being taken for future blog reference."
She saw red. What an asshole. "That's a nice dig, but I was driving actually." After insisting that he didn't mean it as a dig, she continued. "I feel like you regard me as a mistake you made, and that I was just another warm body. I'm interchangeable. Sorry for not being the Cool Girl about it, but that hurts.
"I'm sorry you feel so misused and cast aside. Not what I'm trying to do. You weren't and aren't those things."
She was floored and just didn't know what to say. Instead she asked another question: "Why did you kiss me in my studio that night? Random Impulse?"
Several minutes later her heart jumped as her phone went off. He had sent "That is a trap. No answer I provide is going to be good enough for you."
Her heart was ripping in two. He knew her, she had explained herself to him. She wasn't trying to trap him, she was trying to understand where she stood in his life. She said that to him, that any answer that was the right answer was correct. He said he didn't know, and he was in a confusing place right now and he would always be like that. Then, uncharacteristically, he sent her a long message.
"I've got no rudder. wind blows northerly, I north. But right now, I feel becalmed. There is no wind. Nothing pushing me. I'm dead in the water, supplies are low, and I'm waiting. For what? Death? Rescue? Divine Intervention? A fucking breeze? I don't know. In this metaphor, I would welcome any. Because it beats being stuck. What I won't do, however, is abandon ship and try my luck in a life raft. That spells death. I don't want to use you as a life raft. Don't want you to be a warm body. So if I seem a little different or distant lately, that's why."
She asked if he wanted her to keep her distance from him from now on. He said no, that he was just trying to explain his being distant. She shook a little, then sent the text: "I'm not hating or judging you. Just trying to suss out what your feelings are for me. Where I stand. Wherever that is."
He replied "You are my friend, first and foremost. I need to respect and treat you as such."
"I'm wondering if I'm the only one you've messed around with that you weren't sexual attracted to." She prodded. "Who said there wasn't an attraction?" he replied.
The back and forth continued.
