During one of their intense post-coital talks, she gave him a hard time about not being able to commit to anything, while he said she never took any risks.
"Why would I? I'm happy right now. I've got friends, a job that I love. Why would I want to blow up my life just for fun?"
They decided their differences stemmed from upbringing. His family moved around every few years, whereas her mom was still living in the same house she'd spent in life in from 3 months old onward. They always had different jobs, so he always got bored with his jobs every few years. She wanted a "forever home" job where she worked there until she retired or died, never having to worry about getting fired.
His marriage only lasted 4 years...her's lasted over a decade.
They were pretty different on that front. He was a transient, in all senses of the word.
He was only going to last in her life for a short period of time. Impermanent.
He was a momentary variation in her current, voltage, frequency. He was living in a trailer just a few towns over, and was planning on moving to a couch in Southern California soon. He wasn't meant to stick around any longer than he did.
So it shouldn't have surprised her when he didn't show up for their last meeting, instead choosing to drink all night with his ex, nearly missing his graduation.
"Sorry it didn't work out." he texted nonchalantly.
"Yeah. Honestly I'm not sure why I expected anything different from you. Good lesson for me though. I'd say keep in touch but you were never great at that, so I guess I just wish you the best."
He didn't respond. Again, she didn't expect him to. But this time, she needed to give him a month before she unfriended him on all social media and forget he even existed.
Showing posts with label Piz. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Piz. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Monday, May 21, 2018
Tryst
They spent the next two weekends together, with him spending the night and them having sex until they ran out of the condoms that she had since the last time she'd been with him.
He was leaving soon, so she didn't attach any meaning to it. The sex wasn't as good as before either, because she knew it wasn't based in romantic affection for her, or anything other than him being horny.
She shouldn't have started it, it was bad for her self esteem. Luckily there was an end date to this tryst, and she almost looked forward to him moving. She still had fun going out drinking with him, and having great conversations. He seemed to confide things in her that he normally wouldn't to other people.
They went to the new improv show together, and she told him she would catch some shit later for it. "Why?"
"Because all they know is you kinda broke my heart and now suddenly you are back in the picture. Some of them aren't going to like it."
She ended up being shocked because no one really said a word about it except for Goldie a few days later, and she just said "Are you guys sh-banging again?" like there was no possible way they could be in a relationship again.
Had she ever even been in a real relationship? It certainly didn't feel like it.
He was leaving soon, so she didn't attach any meaning to it. The sex wasn't as good as before either, because she knew it wasn't based in romantic affection for her, or anything other than him being horny.
She shouldn't have started it, it was bad for her self esteem. Luckily there was an end date to this tryst, and she almost looked forward to him moving. She still had fun going out drinking with him, and having great conversations. He seemed to confide things in her that he normally wouldn't to other people.
They went to the new improv show together, and she told him she would catch some shit later for it. "Why?"
"Because all they know is you kinda broke my heart and now suddenly you are back in the picture. Some of them aren't going to like it."
She ended up being shocked because no one really said a word about it except for Goldie a few days later, and she just said "Are you guys sh-banging again?" like there was no possible way they could be in a relationship again.
Had she ever even been in a real relationship? It certainly didn't feel like it.
Friday, May 4, 2018
Skin Hunger
Piz followed her closely and went to check out her view. She stood by the couch and took off her sweater. She went to take a step towards him and realized that was what she had done the last time. She only had to wait a few seconds before he turned around and walked to her.
After the disappointing night with Mel, she appreciated how much he took his time just kissing her, touching her, not just ripping her clothes off. His touch continued to be addictive, and she was lost in it.
The sex was fantastic, as usual...but there was something missing. It was like having one of the greatest hamburgers of her life, but someone had forgotten the ketchup. Though he lavished her with attention, it no longer held the emotional impact it once did. He said he wanted to make her orgasm, but wasn't doing the things he needed to do for her to get there. She didn't return the favor, seeing as how she was sure he had unprotected sex with his ex and she was having sex with him.
4 condoms and half the night later, they were spent. He pulled her under the covers and snuggled up to her. The way he held her was still unparalleled. She felt good, safe. He must be uncomfortable but still he held her to him.
At some point during the night she got up to get some water, came back and he didn't immediately reach out for her. She realized with some finality that this was it. Even though he was giving her forehead kisses in his sleep, waking up to make out with her, and looking deep into her eyes before wishing her sweet dreams...it meant nothing.
They woke up early due to the sunrise streaming into her high rise, illuminating the few boxes she had scattered around her space. He kissed her good morning and put his hand lovingly on her face, then through her hair. "Was your hair this long when we were together? It's so great."
Though it was early, they easily launched into a serious discussion about the friend situation waiting for him back home. His friend was going through a really rough time and having a drinking problem, as was his other friend/future roommate.
"Maybe you guys need to do a dry summer. Or get a hobby. Something to look forward to." She advised. He agreed that a break from drinking would be good, considering he felt like he had a small hangover from his 4 drinks last night.
He went to take a shower, and she remembered that she had been texting KSL about the whole ordeal. She grabbed her phone and read the last few messages they'd exchanged.
"Look up 'skin hunger.' It's a thing. Perhaps it's been too long since you've fed your body."
It had been just a few days shy of a year and five months since she'd last had sex. She guessed that played into it, along with booze last night.
Although it was 7 in the morning, she texted him again. "I can't get attached to any of it. I know he isn't interested in anything, he's leaving in 3 weeks. I can't connect. It's just...there."
"Well yeah, that's why being a demisexual sucks." he texted back.
Piz got out of the shower and said he should go to the university to work on this paper a little bit. He gave her a hug and asked if she had fun last night. The question hit her as absurd and she stuttered a bit, saying "yeah, but...I mean...you are leaving in 3 weeks." He seemed a little hurt and upset, and she couldn't quite read his emotions. She told him it was fine, she just needed to sort stuff out in her head. She offered up her apartment a couple of times a week for him to have a place to sleep. His eyebrows went up and she said "Not for sex, you used up all my condoms last night anyway, just in general."
"I would just feel like I'm imposing Penny, I don't know."
"If you were bugging me you'd be gone. You know that right?"
"Okay...I'll think about it."
And she would be sure to overthink about it all.
After the disappointing night with Mel, she appreciated how much he took his time just kissing her, touching her, not just ripping her clothes off. His touch continued to be addictive, and she was lost in it.
The sex was fantastic, as usual...but there was something missing. It was like having one of the greatest hamburgers of her life, but someone had forgotten the ketchup. Though he lavished her with attention, it no longer held the emotional impact it once did. He said he wanted to make her orgasm, but wasn't doing the things he needed to do for her to get there. She didn't return the favor, seeing as how she was sure he had unprotected sex with his ex and she was having sex with him.
4 condoms and half the night later, they were spent. He pulled her under the covers and snuggled up to her. The way he held her was still unparalleled. She felt good, safe. He must be uncomfortable but still he held her to him.
At some point during the night she got up to get some water, came back and he didn't immediately reach out for her. She realized with some finality that this was it. Even though he was giving her forehead kisses in his sleep, waking up to make out with her, and looking deep into her eyes before wishing her sweet dreams...it meant nothing.
They woke up early due to the sunrise streaming into her high rise, illuminating the few boxes she had scattered around her space. He kissed her good morning and put his hand lovingly on her face, then through her hair. "Was your hair this long when we were together? It's so great."
Though it was early, they easily launched into a serious discussion about the friend situation waiting for him back home. His friend was going through a really rough time and having a drinking problem, as was his other friend/future roommate.
"Maybe you guys need to do a dry summer. Or get a hobby. Something to look forward to." She advised. He agreed that a break from drinking would be good, considering he felt like he had a small hangover from his 4 drinks last night.
He went to take a shower, and she remembered that she had been texting KSL about the whole ordeal. She grabbed her phone and read the last few messages they'd exchanged.
"Look up 'skin hunger.' It's a thing. Perhaps it's been too long since you've fed your body."
It had been just a few days shy of a year and five months since she'd last had sex. She guessed that played into it, along with booze last night.
Although it was 7 in the morning, she texted him again. "I can't get attached to any of it. I know he isn't interested in anything, he's leaving in 3 weeks. I can't connect. It's just...there."
"Well yeah, that's why being a demisexual sucks." he texted back.
Piz got out of the shower and said he should go to the university to work on this paper a little bit. He gave her a hug and asked if she had fun last night. The question hit her as absurd and she stuttered a bit, saying "yeah, but...I mean...you are leaving in 3 weeks." He seemed a little hurt and upset, and she couldn't quite read his emotions. She told him it was fine, she just needed to sort stuff out in her head. She offered up her apartment a couple of times a week for him to have a place to sleep. His eyebrows went up and she said "Not for sex, you used up all my condoms last night anyway, just in general."
"I would just feel like I'm imposing Penny, I don't know."
"If you were bugging me you'd be gone. You know that right?"
"Okay...I'll think about it."
And she would be sure to overthink about it all.
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Rekindling
It had been a bear of a week, and she took off work early and texted Piz, wondering if he was in town and wanted to grab a drink.
He was in the library at the university writing a paper, and asked her if they could meet up in an hour. She said sure and headed home. As she walked in the door she got a call from Piz saying he couldn't concentrate any more. When he walked through the door, he was smelly and looked very tired. He'd been at school working tirelessly and had moved into a trailer with his dad for the last few weeks of school. "Do you need a shower?" She asked, half joking. "Yeah, and maybe I could crash on your couch tonight."
They had trouble deciding what they wanted to do, so he headed over to her apartment where they talked for awhile before deciding on the local bar at the base of her building for the cheap drinks and apps.
She talked about how her grapefruit beer and avocado fries combo was a favorite of her and 21's, but with him being in England she never got to get it. When they were out last week they had an amazing conversation where she called him a coward and he told her she never took any risks. They survived that, and it was so nice to be with him again. After a few more stories and a second beer for him, they decided to go to the Speakeasy they had attempted to go to a couple of weeks ago.
They were a little disappointed that they didn't ask for the password, they just walked right in. Piz mentioned the password to the bartender, as it was a drink he had quite a bit when he was stationed in Brasil for awhile. The bartender was obsessed with flavor profiles, and pointed out that they had meatballs for customers as well by the bar. They each had a couple and agreed they were great, although the drinks were so strong that she could barely taste them anyway.
The BBQ meatball seemed to invigorate him, and he perked up for the first time all night. She couldn't help but keep smiling at him, he was such an adorable child when things made him happy, it was infectious.
He noticed her smiling and asked "What?"
Her smile lowered a little bit, and she said "I'm just going to miss you when you leave. I know you won't be coming back."
He looked at her, and she held his gaze. "You were just an important part of my life, and now it's over."
"I know I've said this before, but your eyes are so pretty. I could stare into them forever."
She melted. The spark was still there between them. She wasn't sure if it had always been that way or not.
They walked across the skyway back to her apartment. She grabbed for his hand to lead him inside, and they stopped by the saunas for a minute and talked about going in but couldn't reach a decision.
"I don't know Penny...what do you want to do?"
She looked him, and said "I want to go upstairs. What do you want to do?"
He searched her eyes, then leaned down to kiss her before answering.
"I want to fuck your brains out."
He was in the library at the university writing a paper, and asked her if they could meet up in an hour. She said sure and headed home. As she walked in the door she got a call from Piz saying he couldn't concentrate any more. When he walked through the door, he was smelly and looked very tired. He'd been at school working tirelessly and had moved into a trailer with his dad for the last few weeks of school. "Do you need a shower?" She asked, half joking. "Yeah, and maybe I could crash on your couch tonight."
They had trouble deciding what they wanted to do, so he headed over to her apartment where they talked for awhile before deciding on the local bar at the base of her building for the cheap drinks and apps.
She talked about how her grapefruit beer and avocado fries combo was a favorite of her and 21's, but with him being in England she never got to get it. When they were out last week they had an amazing conversation where she called him a coward and he told her she never took any risks. They survived that, and it was so nice to be with him again. After a few more stories and a second beer for him, they decided to go to the Speakeasy they had attempted to go to a couple of weeks ago.
They were a little disappointed that they didn't ask for the password, they just walked right in. Piz mentioned the password to the bartender, as it was a drink he had quite a bit when he was stationed in Brasil for awhile. The bartender was obsessed with flavor profiles, and pointed out that they had meatballs for customers as well by the bar. They each had a couple and agreed they were great, although the drinks were so strong that she could barely taste them anyway.
The BBQ meatball seemed to invigorate him, and he perked up for the first time all night. She couldn't help but keep smiling at him, he was such an adorable child when things made him happy, it was infectious.
He noticed her smiling and asked "What?"
Her smile lowered a little bit, and she said "I'm just going to miss you when you leave. I know you won't be coming back."
He looked at her, and she held his gaze. "You were just an important part of my life, and now it's over."
"I know I've said this before, but your eyes are so pretty. I could stare into them forever."
She melted. The spark was still there between them. She wasn't sure if it had always been that way or not.
They walked across the skyway back to her apartment. She grabbed for his hand to lead him inside, and they stopped by the saunas for a minute and talked about going in but couldn't reach a decision.
"I don't know Penny...what do you want to do?"
She looked him, and said "I want to go upstairs. What do you want to do?"
He searched her eyes, then leaned down to kiss her before answering.
"I want to fuck your brains out."
Monday, April 9, 2018
Another Bow
The honesty and straightforward conversation between her and Piz had been refreshing. He was fast becoming the person she most preferred to talk to. It was so easy, and while he was still with his girlfriend, still safe.
They'd hung out a few times without issue, having great conversation about what the future held for them. He was kicking around the idea of going on in his schooling and getting a second Masters, but then would still be living with his horrible girlfriend.
They met up one night with plans that just continued to go wrong for them, and ended up at the bar at the base of her building after dinner.
She dropped their conversation rudely when she realized the bar had a giant blind sheepdog hanging around. After she was done playing with the dog, they took a couple of seats at the bar and ordered their cocktails.
"So, I graduate in May...and I've decided to move back to where I'm originally from. I'm gonna move in with my two best friends again, back to the couch again for now and we are going to find a three bedroom house for all of us while I figure things out."
Damn, another one bites the dust. She was going to have to go back on the dating scene again, she felt like she was losing them all over the place.
"Have you told your girlfriend yet?"
"....No. She's going to get so pissed off, it's going to be a huge mess." She scowled at him.
"Of course it is, she believes that you love her but you are not only going to break up with her, but move out of the state. That's going to be a lot to deal with at once."
"She's going to yell at me that I didn't tell her that I didn't actually apply for the Masters program. The application deadline was in February."
"Well, she'll be right. You didn't tell her. You need to start owning up to your own cowardice. We never like to admit that we did the wrong things, but we have to admit it, own up to it. If you can have sex with the person, then you should be able to talk about anything and everything. You and I can."
She admitted she was going to miss him and the friendship they had managed to form despite everything. He admitted that she was one of the only people he could talk to this about, his dad and his friends had little experience or sympathy. She said she'd always be there for him.
A few days later he said he'd broken up with his girlfriend. She had lost her mind at first but then calmed down the next day, and everything seemed to be fine.
"I want to see you at least a few more times before I leave" He said. She said that would be nice, though considerably more dangerous now.
They'd hung out a few times without issue, having great conversation about what the future held for them. He was kicking around the idea of going on in his schooling and getting a second Masters, but then would still be living with his horrible girlfriend.
They met up one night with plans that just continued to go wrong for them, and ended up at the bar at the base of her building after dinner.
She dropped their conversation rudely when she realized the bar had a giant blind sheepdog hanging around. After she was done playing with the dog, they took a couple of seats at the bar and ordered their cocktails.
"So, I graduate in May...and I've decided to move back to where I'm originally from. I'm gonna move in with my two best friends again, back to the couch again for now and we are going to find a three bedroom house for all of us while I figure things out."
Damn, another one bites the dust. She was going to have to go back on the dating scene again, she felt like she was losing them all over the place.
"Have you told your girlfriend yet?"
"....No. She's going to get so pissed off, it's going to be a huge mess." She scowled at him.
"Of course it is, she believes that you love her but you are not only going to break up with her, but move out of the state. That's going to be a lot to deal with at once."
"She's going to yell at me that I didn't tell her that I didn't actually apply for the Masters program. The application deadline was in February."
"Well, she'll be right. You didn't tell her. You need to start owning up to your own cowardice. We never like to admit that we did the wrong things, but we have to admit it, own up to it. If you can have sex with the person, then you should be able to talk about anything and everything. You and I can."
She admitted she was going to miss him and the friendship they had managed to form despite everything. He admitted that she was one of the only people he could talk to this about, his dad and his friends had little experience or sympathy. She said she'd always be there for him.
A few days later he said he'd broken up with his girlfriend. She had lost her mind at first but then calmed down the next day, and everything seemed to be fine.
"I want to see you at least a few more times before I leave" He said. She said that would be nice, though considerably more dangerous now.
Friday, March 2, 2018
Quit Playing Games With My Heart
She walked into the arcade bar that Banana frequented and where she was meeting up with Piz. From his texts he seemed excited to meet up with her despite it snowing all day, threatening to freeze all the roads.
The bartender was instructed by Banana to flirt shamelessly with her so Piz got jealous, which was just a funny game considering that Piz was already in an (albeit terrible) relationship and she wasn't about to get involved with all that.
"...you still like him!" the bartender said with his trademark grin. Her half-smile and glance to the right gave her away. She couldn't deny it. Maybe a piece of her heart would always be with that goofball. What they had was fire and wasn't fully realized, and she desired closure so much that she was in that bar.
They played pinball, and a few other games that she was embarrassingly bad at. After a few minutes of hanging out he asked her if she was hungry, because he was starving.
Piz ended up picking a new pizza joint within walking distance of the bar. She grabbed her jacket out of the car and laughed because his light jacket wasn't going to cut it for the walk. Halfway there he realized the sidewalk was too narrow and let her walk ahead, softly berating himself for not doing it in the first place. Her heart squeezed a little bit as she remembered the time he pulled her out of the way of some leaking water on her walkway. She felt like no one had ever really looked out for her in such a sweet way.
They walked past the restaurant that saw their end as a couple. "You ever go back there?" She asked him. "No....you?"
"Are you kidding? They had a giant taxidermist bear head over the woman's toilet. I'm never going back there."
He chuckled at the earlier memory of that night. At the pizza place they talked about how the bar moving in next door was their second date. She brought up that she always worried that he had stopped smoking because she didn't like it. She mentioned that Mel was really into pot and it was a strong disconnect with her.
"Amy smokes pot every night, without fail." He shared.
She took a deep breath. "Does she know that it's over?"
He looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, that was really overstepping. You do not have to answer that at all."
"No, no...I honestly don't know. She can't not know."
"You play it pretty close to the vest Piz. She might not know."
They started talking about other things since he was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. She was going to be sensitive because he was doing to Amy what he did to her, just on a grander scale.
They started talking finances, and as the conversation continued she suddenly realized how much he didn't really care about them. When they met he wanted a career in finance, she thought he was passionate about it.
He was so...listless. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He never actually stuck to anything, or anyone.
She had, yet again, dodged another bullet.
The bartender was instructed by Banana to flirt shamelessly with her so Piz got jealous, which was just a funny game considering that Piz was already in an (albeit terrible) relationship and she wasn't about to get involved with all that.
"...you still like him!" the bartender said with his trademark grin. Her half-smile and glance to the right gave her away. She couldn't deny it. Maybe a piece of her heart would always be with that goofball. What they had was fire and wasn't fully realized, and she desired closure so much that she was in that bar.
They played pinball, and a few other games that she was embarrassingly bad at. After a few minutes of hanging out he asked her if she was hungry, because he was starving.
Piz ended up picking a new pizza joint within walking distance of the bar. She grabbed her jacket out of the car and laughed because his light jacket wasn't going to cut it for the walk. Halfway there he realized the sidewalk was too narrow and let her walk ahead, softly berating himself for not doing it in the first place. Her heart squeezed a little bit as she remembered the time he pulled her out of the way of some leaking water on her walkway. She felt like no one had ever really looked out for her in such a sweet way.
They walked past the restaurant that saw their end as a couple. "You ever go back there?" She asked him. "No....you?"
"Are you kidding? They had a giant taxidermist bear head over the woman's toilet. I'm never going back there."
He chuckled at the earlier memory of that night. At the pizza place they talked about how the bar moving in next door was their second date. She brought up that she always worried that he had stopped smoking because she didn't like it. She mentioned that Mel was really into pot and it was a strong disconnect with her.
"Amy smokes pot every night, without fail." He shared.
She took a deep breath. "Does she know that it's over?"
He looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, that was really overstepping. You do not have to answer that at all."
"No, no...I honestly don't know. She can't not know."
"You play it pretty close to the vest Piz. She might not know."
They started talking about other things since he was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. She was going to be sensitive because he was doing to Amy what he did to her, just on a grander scale.
They started talking finances, and as the conversation continued she suddenly realized how much he didn't really care about them. When they met he wanted a career in finance, she thought he was passionate about it.
He was so...listless. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He never actually stuck to anything, or anyone.
She had, yet again, dodged another bullet.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Closed Heart, Open Mouth
She looked down the bar and didn't see him. She turned around and saw him, almost panicked, coming around the opposite corner. He must have seen her come in through the giant windows.
He looked the same, but different. Sort of beaten down. His hair was shorter, darker somehow. He seemed happy to see her, but at the same time reserved. He must have known, instinctively, what was coming from her. She wasn't about to hold back.
Looking back on the conversation, she was shocked how on the same wavelength they were. She spoke, and he understood. She was a little harder on him, the fear of losing him over. He took it in stride, and accepted her criticism.
After breaking it off with her, he left for his job. Three weeks later he realized he hated the job. It had turned out to be the sales job he didn't want, and they hadn't told him until he had moved and started training. In a bind, he decided to sleep on his friends couch for the next 6 months. "Most of 2017 just...sucked." He admitted.
She had to agree. She told him about her new rule of getting an STD test before having sex with someone again, and how it had successfully kept her celebate for all of 2017 and where she had gotten so far with 2018.
"But, I don't understand...they are so easy to get."
"Yeah, well I guess I'm not special enough for anybody."
He took a deep breath and she waited for him to tell her what she already figured had happened. He had been in a relationship for the past six months. They were living together, and his dog was staying about 45 minutes away with his dad. She was shocked at what passed for his excuses to the situation. He clearly didn't love her, and living with her was situational. He said he felt like a dick about it, and she didn't let him off the hook. She told him that the most hurtful part of their relationship was the way he gave up, the way he was what he was doing cowardly.
"You should feel like a dick. You are just doing to her what you did to me but on a grander scale. If you don't want to be with her--"
"I don't have the money to move out, all I have is a part time job right now."
"So get another part time job, Piz. Don't do this to another girl. I know you know better and ARE better than this."
They talked about how their timing had been off in the relationship, and he admitted he doesn't see himself with anyone long term. He also said twice that you can't really tell the future, and maybe someday they would find each other romantically again.
She looked at him, thought to call him on the lie, the leading on...but decided not to.
He said she looked really good, very pretty. He said she had made an amazing life for herself, and he was jealous, but also very proud. She told him he just needed to work a little harder and things would look up for him. He had decided he wanted to get his Masters and teach. She was happy his life had gotten a little more direction.
They parted as friends, and she felt, finally, she was at peace. Her heart finally had a clean slate.
He looked the same, but different. Sort of beaten down. His hair was shorter, darker somehow. He seemed happy to see her, but at the same time reserved. He must have known, instinctively, what was coming from her. She wasn't about to hold back.
Looking back on the conversation, she was shocked how on the same wavelength they were. She spoke, and he understood. She was a little harder on him, the fear of losing him over. He took it in stride, and accepted her criticism.
After breaking it off with her, he left for his job. Three weeks later he realized he hated the job. It had turned out to be the sales job he didn't want, and they hadn't told him until he had moved and started training. In a bind, he decided to sleep on his friends couch for the next 6 months. "Most of 2017 just...sucked." He admitted.
She had to agree. She told him about her new rule of getting an STD test before having sex with someone again, and how it had successfully kept her celebate for all of 2017 and where she had gotten so far with 2018.
"But, I don't understand...they are so easy to get."
"Yeah, well I guess I'm not special enough for anybody."
He took a deep breath and she waited for him to tell her what she already figured had happened. He had been in a relationship for the past six months. They were living together, and his dog was staying about 45 minutes away with his dad. She was shocked at what passed for his excuses to the situation. He clearly didn't love her, and living with her was situational. He said he felt like a dick about it, and she didn't let him off the hook. She told him that the most hurtful part of their relationship was the way he gave up, the way he was what he was doing cowardly.
"You should feel like a dick. You are just doing to her what you did to me but on a grander scale. If you don't want to be with her--"
"I don't have the money to move out, all I have is a part time job right now."
"So get another part time job, Piz. Don't do this to another girl. I know you know better and ARE better than this."
They talked about how their timing had been off in the relationship, and he admitted he doesn't see himself with anyone long term. He also said twice that you can't really tell the future, and maybe someday they would find each other romantically again.
She looked at him, thought to call him on the lie, the leading on...but decided not to.
He said she looked really good, very pretty. He said she had made an amazing life for herself, and he was jealous, but also very proud. She told him he just needed to work a little harder and things would look up for him. He had decided he wanted to get his Masters and teach. She was happy his life had gotten a little more direction.
They parted as friends, and she felt, finally, she was at peace. Her heart finally had a clean slate.
Monday, January 15, 2018
Poor Decisions Lead to Pour Decisions
It could be stated that she made poorer decisions when she was sleep deprived, much more poor than when she was drunk.
It was on a sleep deprived night around 2am where she made a poor decision. She saw a clever Star Wars post on Instagram, and before she realized what she was doing, she had sent the post to Piz in a private message, saying that he didn't need to respond because apparently they weren't speaking, this was just a post she thought he would find funny.
Eventually she managed to get to sleep, and woke up thinking it was a stupid dream she had.
Until she saw the notification that he had written back. "Hi Penny, how have you been?"
She allowed over 24 hours to pass so she could calm down and choose how to respond. She decided on a cool, calculated response of "I've been fine, and you?"
The response she got she wasn't prepared for. He was pretty open and honest about the fact that he was back in town and crashing on some couches for the last year because that whole job didn't work out for him.
"So you lost the career and the girl?" She thought to herself. Instead she responded that she was sure his dad was happy he was back in town. He came back with asking if she still had the same job and was still doing theatre.
She told him about the now year old job and the few projects she was involved in. He responded "That's awesome! You're awesome. I'm really happy for you"
She swooned. She thanked him and asked what his plans were besides school. He said he was just up to his eyeballs in school and didn't have time for anything else.
"Just where I left you huh? Like not a day has passed."
"Yeah, pretty much, haha."
It was time to throw down her gauntlet.
"Well good luck with all that self imposed solitary confinement!"
He waited half a day to respond, "I'm a total hermit and should probably get out more. Why don't we grab a drink sometime?"
She only lasted about 4 hours before responding "When are you free?"
It was on a sleep deprived night around 2am where she made a poor decision. She saw a clever Star Wars post on Instagram, and before she realized what she was doing, she had sent the post to Piz in a private message, saying that he didn't need to respond because apparently they weren't speaking, this was just a post she thought he would find funny.
Eventually she managed to get to sleep, and woke up thinking it was a stupid dream she had.
Until she saw the notification that he had written back. "Hi Penny, how have you been?"
She allowed over 24 hours to pass so she could calm down and choose how to respond. She decided on a cool, calculated response of "I've been fine, and you?"
The response she got she wasn't prepared for. He was pretty open and honest about the fact that he was back in town and crashing on some couches for the last year because that whole job didn't work out for him.
"So you lost the career and the girl?" She thought to herself. Instead she responded that she was sure his dad was happy he was back in town. He came back with asking if she still had the same job and was still doing theatre.
She told him about the now year old job and the few projects she was involved in. He responded "That's awesome! You're awesome. I'm really happy for you"
She swooned. She thanked him and asked what his plans were besides school. He said he was just up to his eyeballs in school and didn't have time for anything else.
"Just where I left you huh? Like not a day has passed."
"Yeah, pretty much, haha."
It was time to throw down her gauntlet.
"Well good luck with all that self imposed solitary confinement!"
He waited half a day to respond, "I'm a total hermit and should probably get out more. Why don't we grab a drink sometime?"
She only lasted about 4 hours before responding "When are you free?"
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Open Letter to Piz
Dear Piz,
It's been almost 2 months since you said you'd be back in town and would give me a call so we could go out for a drink. I don't really expect you to contact me again, but there are still things I feel I need to say.
I've forgotten how you feel. I sleep on the pillow I put on my bed for you, but it no longer reminds me of sleeping on your chest. I don't remember exactly where all your tattoos were on your body.
I've forgotten how you feel. It breaks my heart to know that I won't hear from you. I'm embarrassed that I still think of you when I've become so accustomed to not having you around anymore. I wonder if I ever see you again if I'll find you differently. Maybe your goofy grin will look awkward instead of endearing. Maybe I'll look in your eyes and instead of caring, I'll finally see indifference.
I understand why you wanted to end things. I get that you needed to concentrate on your studies and your move and training. I get that you felt guilty for trying to get more out of me after we broke up then you should have. It was not fair to me for you to freak out and leave.
You know you were being a coward but letting me wait for two weeks until I made the first move. Then you apologized and never texted me back. Don't bring up that we could be friends when you have no interest in it.
You said that what we had was more than you using me as a warm body, but what else am I to believe at this point? You seem to be doing just fine ignoring me. You still don't go a full week without checking into the dating app. You unintentionally hurt me at every turn, because you lied. You said I wasn't just a warm body. I remember clearly lying in bed with you, you looking deep into my eyes and saying "You know that isn't what this is, right? This isn't just a fling for me."
But it was. It was worse, it was a rebound. I became the thing that I didn't want to be. To date I've only been someone's rebound girl. That became a trend because of you. And I know you didn't mean it. I know that you ended up caring too much which is why it ended the way it did. But that also just wasn't fair to me.
You said that when you moved back we could maybe start over. I wish you would have never said that, because my subconscious keeps thinking about that. Holding onto that possibility. Making plans. Like an idiot, because you are never going to call me back. Because you are a coward.
And I don't want to date a coward. So I'm writing this to you to release you from my heart. Because I don't even remember how you feel. But I remember how I feel, everyday. And it's not fair to me.
It's been almost 2 months since you said you'd be back in town and would give me a call so we could go out for a drink. I don't really expect you to contact me again, but there are still things I feel I need to say.
I've forgotten how you feel. I sleep on the pillow I put on my bed for you, but it no longer reminds me of sleeping on your chest. I don't remember exactly where all your tattoos were on your body.
I've forgotten how you feel. It breaks my heart to know that I won't hear from you. I'm embarrassed that I still think of you when I've become so accustomed to not having you around anymore. I wonder if I ever see you again if I'll find you differently. Maybe your goofy grin will look awkward instead of endearing. Maybe I'll look in your eyes and instead of caring, I'll finally see indifference.
I understand why you wanted to end things. I get that you needed to concentrate on your studies and your move and training. I get that you felt guilty for trying to get more out of me after we broke up then you should have. It was not fair to me for you to freak out and leave.
You know you were being a coward but letting me wait for two weeks until I made the first move. Then you apologized and never texted me back. Don't bring up that we could be friends when you have no interest in it.
You said that what we had was more than you using me as a warm body, but what else am I to believe at this point? You seem to be doing just fine ignoring me. You still don't go a full week without checking into the dating app. You unintentionally hurt me at every turn, because you lied. You said I wasn't just a warm body. I remember clearly lying in bed with you, you looking deep into my eyes and saying "You know that isn't what this is, right? This isn't just a fling for me."
But it was. It was worse, it was a rebound. I became the thing that I didn't want to be. To date I've only been someone's rebound girl. That became a trend because of you. And I know you didn't mean it. I know that you ended up caring too much which is why it ended the way it did. But that also just wasn't fair to me.
You said that when you moved back we could maybe start over. I wish you would have never said that, because my subconscious keeps thinking about that. Holding onto that possibility. Making plans. Like an idiot, because you are never going to call me back. Because you are a coward.
And I don't want to date a coward. So I'm writing this to you to release you from my heart. Because I don't even remember how you feel. But I remember how I feel, everyday. And it's not fair to me.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
My Funny Valentine Part 2
She decided avoidance could be the name of the game for the rest of the day. She needed to not think about that text for awhile, and get used to the idea he was gone first.
He was gone. He had left early. He didn't care to fix anything between them before he left.
He didn't care.
After she had calmed down, she parsed out the text message calmly and rationally.
He thanked her for her kind words. A little stiff, but grateful. He seemed to thrive off of Words of Affirmation, so she was sure he meant it.
No hard feelings on his end? What hard feelings could there be, she had been awesome! An amazing girlfriend/non-girlfriend. In the end though, it was most likely his slightly awkward way of saying his feelings hadn't changed either.
He said they "should try" to grab a drink, as if it wasn't going to work out in the end. Which is fair...maybe he was just being polite. He would "let her know." He hoped everything was doing well. What could she really say to that? He never said he was doing well...she didn't feel like she needed to answer that. Did she even need to answer at all?
She did end up responding.
"I'm sorry to have missed saying goodbye. Let me know your schedule and you find out so we can meet up. I hope everything is going well so far."
It would have to be good enough. Now it was time to put it out of her head for a couple of months.
He was gone. He had left early. He didn't care to fix anything between them before he left.
He didn't care.
After she had calmed down, she parsed out the text message calmly and rationally.
He thanked her for her kind words. A little stiff, but grateful. He seemed to thrive off of Words of Affirmation, so she was sure he meant it.
No hard feelings on his end? What hard feelings could there be, she had been awesome! An amazing girlfriend/non-girlfriend. In the end though, it was most likely his slightly awkward way of saying his feelings hadn't changed either.
He said they "should try" to grab a drink, as if it wasn't going to work out in the end. Which is fair...maybe he was just being polite. He would "let her know." He hoped everything was doing well. What could she really say to that? He never said he was doing well...she didn't feel like she needed to answer that. Did she even need to answer at all?
She did end up responding.
"I'm sorry to have missed saying goodbye. Let me know your schedule and you find out so we can meet up. I hope everything is going well so far."
It would have to be good enough. Now it was time to put it out of her head for a couple of months.
Monday, February 27, 2017
My Funny Valentine Part 1
"I've been thinking about Piz a lot lately. More than I should be. Maybe it's because he's leaving soon. I keep thinking about how different the past few months would have been if we had stayed together. The lost potential. I don't know."
She was sharing an awesome meal and some of her favorite wine with a friend on that dreaded February 14th date. She was feeling pretty okay with where her life had been heading, and even though she had all but given up on the dating scene, she was okay with it. She was finally in a place where being single was okay.
Piz was still there though, in the back of her mind. He was leaving soon, and much as she tried to replace the last time they were together to the second to last time they were together, she still thought about how it had ended.
She felt the need to text him. What would she say? Everyone would tell her not to text him, to forget about him and move on. Maybe everyone would be right.
She was getting a little tired of not following her intuition and her heart. It hadn't gotten her anywhere she wanted to go. She had to do what felt right by her, and damn the consequences.
It took her three days to compose and adjust the text before she sent it.
"So, I know you are leaving soon. I wanted to wish you well, I know you are going to do amazing work. I'd like to get a drink with you before you go to say goodbye, but I understand if you don't want to see me. I just wanted to let you know there are no hard feelings on my end, and I hope you find/have found happiness."
It was adult, it was respectful, it was honest. She just wanted to erase that last night, get the taste out of her mouth. And if he didn't answer, then at least she cleared her side. She talked herself into not seeing a response from him.
In fact, she wasn't even thinking about it as she settled onto her yoga mat. As the first steps were beginning, her wrist vibrated a text message notification. She expected it to be BW seeing if she wanted to go to breakfast, or something from Twitter.
She was shocked to see Piz's name crawl across the display. "Thanks Penny, I appreciate the..." and the display cut off.
Needless to say, her yoga game was thrown all the way off. She tried her hardest to concentrate, but she went through the whole range of emotions trying to figure out what the whole message could possibly say.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked her at the end of class.
"I got a response from Piz. I don't know what it says. And I've had a whole hour to work myself up about it."
They looked at it together.
"Thanks Penny I appreciate the kind words. No hard feelings on my end too. I'm sorry but I already left for Arizona."
Her breath caught in her throat. "Oh." She choked out, sitting down into a chair. The news hit her like bricks to the chest. He was already gone. She missed her shot. He didn't say goodbye. He didn't say anything. She forced herself to read the rest of the message.
"I'm not sure of my exact schedule yet but I should be back in town in the next couple of months. We should try to grab a drink then, I'll let you know. I hope everything is well."
Dawn's face lit up, and she exclaimed "This is good Penny! This is a good message! He wants to meet up for a drink when he's in town, that's good! Why are you so upset?"
Tears were now freely rolling down her face. She was feeling the emotions that she had yet to parse out. All she could say was "I didn't expect him to be gone already. He was supposed to leave on March 1st. He left early. He left me early."
She couldn't stop crying.
She was sharing an awesome meal and some of her favorite wine with a friend on that dreaded February 14th date. She was feeling pretty okay with where her life had been heading, and even though she had all but given up on the dating scene, she was okay with it. She was finally in a place where being single was okay.
Piz was still there though, in the back of her mind. He was leaving soon, and much as she tried to replace the last time they were together to the second to last time they were together, she still thought about how it had ended.
She felt the need to text him. What would she say? Everyone would tell her not to text him, to forget about him and move on. Maybe everyone would be right.
She was getting a little tired of not following her intuition and her heart. It hadn't gotten her anywhere she wanted to go. She had to do what felt right by her, and damn the consequences.
It took her three days to compose and adjust the text before she sent it.
"So, I know you are leaving soon. I wanted to wish you well, I know you are going to do amazing work. I'd like to get a drink with you before you go to say goodbye, but I understand if you don't want to see me. I just wanted to let you know there are no hard feelings on my end, and I hope you find/have found happiness."
It was adult, it was respectful, it was honest. She just wanted to erase that last night, get the taste out of her mouth. And if he didn't answer, then at least she cleared her side. She talked herself into not seeing a response from him.
In fact, she wasn't even thinking about it as she settled onto her yoga mat. As the first steps were beginning, her wrist vibrated a text message notification. She expected it to be BW seeing if she wanted to go to breakfast, or something from Twitter.
She was shocked to see Piz's name crawl across the display. "Thanks Penny, I appreciate the..." and the display cut off.
Needless to say, her yoga game was thrown all the way off. She tried her hardest to concentrate, but she went through the whole range of emotions trying to figure out what the whole message could possibly say.
"Are you okay?" Dawn asked her at the end of class.
"I got a response from Piz. I don't know what it says. And I've had a whole hour to work myself up about it."
They looked at it together.
"Thanks Penny I appreciate the kind words. No hard feelings on my end too. I'm sorry but I already left for Arizona."
Her breath caught in her throat. "Oh." She choked out, sitting down into a chair. The news hit her like bricks to the chest. He was already gone. She missed her shot. He didn't say goodbye. He didn't say anything. She forced herself to read the rest of the message.
"I'm not sure of my exact schedule yet but I should be back in town in the next couple of months. We should try to grab a drink then, I'll let you know. I hope everything is well."
Dawn's face lit up, and she exclaimed "This is good Penny! This is a good message! He wants to meet up for a drink when he's in town, that's good! Why are you so upset?"
Tears were now freely rolling down her face. She was feeling the emotions that she had yet to parse out. All she could say was "I didn't expect him to be gone already. He was supposed to leave on March 1st. He left early. He left me early."
She couldn't stop crying.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Quixotic
"Caught up in the Romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality."
She had a "When Harry Met Sally" style fantasy. She would be spending New Year's Eve alone, watching the ball drop and gearing up to the watch the downtown fireworks from her balcony. Just before midnight, her doorbell would ring.
He would be standing there, and an electric moment would pass between them. They would kiss, and she would know they were meant to be together, that he was finally in it for the semi-long haul.
It would be either Piz or KSL, waiting to give her the speech. They couldn't spend another moment apart from her, and wanted to be with her. Only her.
She wasn't sure which she wanted to be at her door more. It didn't much matter, since it wasn't going to happen. Not with Piz, not with KSL...not with her ex. She would spend the evening with Dawn and MG, they would go home, and she would cry herself to sleep.
The truth was, she wouldn't end up getting to sleep until 7:00 AM.
She had a "When Harry Met Sally" style fantasy. She would be spending New Year's Eve alone, watching the ball drop and gearing up to the watch the downtown fireworks from her balcony. Just before midnight, her doorbell would ring.
He would be standing there, and an electric moment would pass between them. They would kiss, and she would know they were meant to be together, that he was finally in it for the semi-long haul.
It would be either Piz or KSL, waiting to give her the speech. They couldn't spend another moment apart from her, and wanted to be with her. Only her.
She wasn't sure which she wanted to be at her door more. It didn't much matter, since it wasn't going to happen. Not with Piz, not with KSL...not with her ex. She would spend the evening with Dawn and MG, they would go home, and she would cry herself to sleep.
The truth was, she wouldn't end up getting to sleep until 7:00 AM.
Friday, November 18, 2016
Regressing
She came across Piz's text messages, and on a whim went back through their entire text history.
It was a mistake.
There were only two of note, the rest were all working out the specifics of getting together.
"I know. I miss you too.😊"
and
"I had fun last night. You're a good kisser 😃"
When she looked at the texts, it all ended so abruptly. She forgot how often they spoke on the phone, or just spent time in person together.
She wondered where it all went wrong.
It was a mistake.
There were only two of note, the rest were all working out the specifics of getting together.
"I know. I miss you too.😊"
and
"I had fun last night. You're a good kisser 😃"
When she looked at the texts, it all ended so abruptly. She forgot how often they spoke on the phone, or just spent time in person together.
She wondered where it all went wrong.
Thursday, November 17, 2016
Triggers
The elevator doors slide open and the solider stepped on with his child. It was very early in the morning, the sun barely over the horizon. The child was asleep in his father's arms, still clutching his toy car tightly.
She found it amazing that even in a deep sleep, a child was able to hold so steadfastly to his plaything, likely his favorite.
She suddenly flashed to Piz, and how even when he was sleeping he would reach out for her, hold her. Snuggle into her neck, all unconsciously. She missed that...maybe not him so much. She was starting to become one of those dumb girls who would go to a concert and cry because her ex-boyfriend used to be a drummer.
Her boss told her a story about how the other night his wife was making dinner and they had forgotten an ingredient to the dish. He said that he would run out and get it, and a minute later asked her "Are you coming?" because they did everything together. She felt a pang in her chest because she had never had that.
She realized that she had missed out on the domesticity of it all in her relationships. She and the ex had always just split chores, or he put them off until she just did them because she was tired of seeing it not done. In fact, in remembering it, there was an element of "just go away and let me do it" when she suggested that they do things together.
She was dreading this upcoming trip with him. Even though it would be less than 48 hours together, a majority would be in the car talking. She knew she was bound to cry most of the way. She was developing too many triggers...literally everything hurt.
At the very least, at least she and KSL's friendship seemed to be fully back on track. She no longer felt any kind of romantic feelings towards him, so in that regard at least Piz had fulfilled his purpose.
After a late night movie, KSL made mention of how he slept with a full body pillow because he "doesn't sleep alone well." It had been the third or fourth time he had thrown that tidbit of information out to her. It was almost like he was asking for it...so she bit.
"So, if you don't sleep well without someone...how come after all the times we had late nights together you never stayed over?" She asked.
"Honestly, I didn't want you catching feels. Plus we could barely fuck on that thing, it's too small for both of us to sleep on." He said this as he hopped out of the car to check his mail. She howled with laughter. She thought to herself "The best way to not catch feels is to not fuck. Silly boy."
She found it amazing that even in a deep sleep, a child was able to hold so steadfastly to his plaything, likely his favorite.
She suddenly flashed to Piz, and how even when he was sleeping he would reach out for her, hold her. Snuggle into her neck, all unconsciously. She missed that...maybe not him so much. She was starting to become one of those dumb girls who would go to a concert and cry because her ex-boyfriend used to be a drummer.
Her boss told her a story about how the other night his wife was making dinner and they had forgotten an ingredient to the dish. He said that he would run out and get it, and a minute later asked her "Are you coming?" because they did everything together. She felt a pang in her chest because she had never had that.
She realized that she had missed out on the domesticity of it all in her relationships. She and the ex had always just split chores, or he put them off until she just did them because she was tired of seeing it not done. In fact, in remembering it, there was an element of "just go away and let me do it" when she suggested that they do things together.
She was dreading this upcoming trip with him. Even though it would be less than 48 hours together, a majority would be in the car talking. She knew she was bound to cry most of the way. She was developing too many triggers...literally everything hurt.
At the very least, at least she and KSL's friendship seemed to be fully back on track. She no longer felt any kind of romantic feelings towards him, so in that regard at least Piz had fulfilled his purpose.
After a late night movie, KSL made mention of how he slept with a full body pillow because he "doesn't sleep alone well." It had been the third or fourth time he had thrown that tidbit of information out to her. It was almost like he was asking for it...so she bit.
"So, if you don't sleep well without someone...how come after all the times we had late nights together you never stayed over?" She asked.
"Honestly, I didn't want you catching feels. Plus we could barely fuck on that thing, it's too small for both of us to sleep on." He said this as he hopped out of the car to check his mail. She howled with laughter. She thought to herself "The best way to not catch feels is to not fuck. Silly boy."
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Closure
"So, it's been two weeks. I miss talking to you, and you don't seem the type to ghost, so I thought I'd reach out and see if you were still thinking about everything."
She had blown through all her emotions. She needed her closure. She was fully aware that after two weeks he wasn't going to go running back into her arms. She just wanted it done.
She just wanted him to say it. Just like she needed him to say it to start it.
An hour and a half passed, and she got a response.
"Hi Penny, I'm really sorry I haven't contacted you. I feel like a real asshole about it and I'm sure you agree. Look, I think you're smart, you're pretty, you're cool and you're really sweet but I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I've realized in the last couple weeks that I don't even want to date right now."
She smirked at this, as she had rejoined the dating site that day and checked his profile. He had been online at 8AM that day. Looks like he still didn't understand that being on that site meant that people assumed that was what he was looking for. She continued to read.
"I'm too busy with school and I'm leaving in a few months and it's best for me if I don't get attached to anyone. I feel terrible about it, I feel like I led you on but I'm really happy about the time we spent together and it was great getting to know you. If you want to be friends we can still be friends but I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with you anymore."
She got a phone call and didn't end up responding to him for an hour.
"Thank you for responding and giving me some closure. I can't disagree that I was led on by you, but I always had a feeling about it, which is why I tried to end the romantic aspect of it. I'm sorry if you felt like I was forcing you into a relationship that night, I was just trying to understand what you were looking for. I will always be your friend if you want me to be. But I don't want to be anywhere I'm not wanted."
He didn't respond. He didn't need to.
She had blown through all her emotions. She needed her closure. She was fully aware that after two weeks he wasn't going to go running back into her arms. She just wanted it done.
She just wanted him to say it. Just like she needed him to say it to start it.
An hour and a half passed, and she got a response.
"Hi Penny, I'm really sorry I haven't contacted you. I feel like a real asshole about it and I'm sure you agree. Look, I think you're smart, you're pretty, you're cool and you're really sweet but I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I've realized in the last couple weeks that I don't even want to date right now."
She smirked at this, as she had rejoined the dating site that day and checked his profile. He had been online at 8AM that day. Looks like he still didn't understand that being on that site meant that people assumed that was what he was looking for. She continued to read.
"I'm too busy with school and I'm leaving in a few months and it's best for me if I don't get attached to anyone. I feel terrible about it, I feel like I led you on but I'm really happy about the time we spent together and it was great getting to know you. If you want to be friends we can still be friends but I don't want to pursue a romantic relationship with you anymore."
She got a phone call and didn't end up responding to him for an hour.
"Thank you for responding and giving me some closure. I can't disagree that I was led on by you, but I always had a feeling about it, which is why I tried to end the romantic aspect of it. I'm sorry if you felt like I was forcing you into a relationship that night, I was just trying to understand what you were looking for. I will always be your friend if you want me to be. But I don't want to be anywhere I'm not wanted."
He didn't respond. He didn't need to.
Monday, November 7, 2016
You Think It's Really Over This Time?
She shouldn't feel this way. It wasn't even really a break up...they were never really together. Piz had ended up being just as bad, if not worse, than KSL.
How could her heart get trampled on three times this year when she'd only been in one real relationship?
She'd been thinking about her ex a lot. Wondering if she had some sort of chemical imbalance and really things hadn't been all that bad. She still loved him. She'd always love him. When she sat and talked with him last weekend she realized it. She'd always care about him. But she knew that she had broken it. Broken him. It would never be the same.
They were trying to be friends again. He had said that he wanted to sign the papers and get it over with so they could go back to being best friends. That had been healing to hear.
They were talking about another couple and she mentioned how she would never change her relationship status on Facebook without giving him a head's up first, as a courtesy.
"You wouldn't need to do that." He said.
"But, I would." She replied. "Not that it'll be changing anytime soon. But I would."
Then she suddenly wondered if he had already started dating someone else. She put it out of her mind immediately. He was working crazy hours, he didn't have the time.
Or did he?
She was having more retrospectives. It was amazing, all the little adjustments she had made to let Piz into her life. Her earplugs still sat on her bedside table due to his adorable snoring. She would lay in her bed and imagine his arms grabbing for her, enveloping her. Not letting her go the whole night. The way he would squeeze her and say he never wanted to stop, he wanted to never let her go. He would grab the sides of her face, stare deep into her eyes, and say "You are just so cute!"
What happened? How did she go from being cute, irresistible, and someone he could have sex with 3 times a night....to nothing? What was wrong with him? She had been SO chill and understanding...had she been TOO understanding? KSL had said that once, she was too accessible. But he had also said once she was closed off. Which was it?
She was still emotionally messed up from starting on the new pill. She could feel that it was causing her major depression. She had lashed out at Goldie, and had to apologize the next day. She had finally come out of the depression, she knew the difference now. She knew she was despondent, and it wasn't just the ghosting of Piz. It was all the evil estrogen flowing through her veins.
"I guarantee you're on Piz's mind daily. He just doesn't know what to do about it." Dawn said. It sounded comforting. She told Dawn she felt like one of those women with hysteria in the 1940's. If she saw him on the street she would slap him, then kiss him.
How could her heart get trampled on three times this year when she'd only been in one real relationship?
She'd been thinking about her ex a lot. Wondering if she had some sort of chemical imbalance and really things hadn't been all that bad. She still loved him. She'd always love him. When she sat and talked with him last weekend she realized it. She'd always care about him. But she knew that she had broken it. Broken him. It would never be the same.
They were trying to be friends again. He had said that he wanted to sign the papers and get it over with so they could go back to being best friends. That had been healing to hear.
They were talking about another couple and she mentioned how she would never change her relationship status on Facebook without giving him a head's up first, as a courtesy.
"You wouldn't need to do that." He said.
"But, I would." She replied. "Not that it'll be changing anytime soon. But I would."
Then she suddenly wondered if he had already started dating someone else. She put it out of her mind immediately. He was working crazy hours, he didn't have the time.
Or did he?
She was having more retrospectives. It was amazing, all the little adjustments she had made to let Piz into her life. Her earplugs still sat on her bedside table due to his adorable snoring. She would lay in her bed and imagine his arms grabbing for her, enveloping her. Not letting her go the whole night. The way he would squeeze her and say he never wanted to stop, he wanted to never let her go. He would grab the sides of her face, stare deep into her eyes, and say "You are just so cute!"
What happened? How did she go from being cute, irresistible, and someone he could have sex with 3 times a night....to nothing? What was wrong with him? She had been SO chill and understanding...had she been TOO understanding? KSL had said that once, she was too accessible. But he had also said once she was closed off. Which was it?
She was still emotionally messed up from starting on the new pill. She could feel that it was causing her major depression. She had lashed out at Goldie, and had to apologize the next day. She had finally come out of the depression, she knew the difference now. She knew she was despondent, and it wasn't just the ghosting of Piz. It was all the evil estrogen flowing through her veins.
"I guarantee you're on Piz's mind daily. He just doesn't know what to do about it." Dawn said. It sounded comforting. She told Dawn she felt like one of those women with hysteria in the 1940's. If she saw him on the street she would slap him, then kiss him.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
The Wrong Kind of Milestone
Exactly a week since it happened. She had told him he could take a week if he needed to, which meant that after tonight, it really was going to feel like he was not going to contact her again.
She tried to shop for food, but didn't have any appetite. She knew there was nothing at home, but ended up just spending $30 on booze rather than spend money on dinner.
It was a Friday night. Her last for awhile since her play was starting next week. Maybe she should have reached out to Dawn or someone for support...but she didn't. She was lonely, but maybe needed more alone time.
It was the 8th day of her period. She wondered if her depression was just period emotions. It had been painful for the full 8 days, but suddenly it turned into a Quentin Tarantino movie. Her brand new jeans were drenched in blood by the time she got home. An "8 hour" pad lasted her 2 hours...twice.
"If I die, go on Oprah and tell the world I loved puppies." she joked to KSL. He laughed.
She wished that something would happen. She wasn't depressed, didn't really want to die...but if it happened, it happened. She wasn't afraid of it.
What a terrible place to be. Depressed but realistic. Heartbroken but realistic.
Sometimes she wish she could be fully romantic. Fully depressed. Fully heartbroken. Lose herself in the emotion, let go.
Cry.
Let herself feel everything.
She couldn't do it. The strong people didn't get weak moments.
She hadn't spoken to Dawn since Sunday. She had spilled about her weekend and said "We'll get together soon though. I just don't know when that'll be."
Dawn never asked about how it went...maybe she never really cared. Dawn had her own issues to deal with...she didn't have the space to care about hers too.
No one did.
She really needed to get used to being alone. It was the only way she was going to survive.
She tried to shop for food, but didn't have any appetite. She knew there was nothing at home, but ended up just spending $30 on booze rather than spend money on dinner.
It was a Friday night. Her last for awhile since her play was starting next week. Maybe she should have reached out to Dawn or someone for support...but she didn't. She was lonely, but maybe needed more alone time.
It was the 8th day of her period. She wondered if her depression was just period emotions. It had been painful for the full 8 days, but suddenly it turned into a Quentin Tarantino movie. Her brand new jeans were drenched in blood by the time she got home. An "8 hour" pad lasted her 2 hours...twice.
"If I die, go on Oprah and tell the world I loved puppies." she joked to KSL. He laughed.
She wished that something would happen. She wasn't depressed, didn't really want to die...but if it happened, it happened. She wasn't afraid of it.
What a terrible place to be. Depressed but realistic. Heartbroken but realistic.
Sometimes she wish she could be fully romantic. Fully depressed. Fully heartbroken. Lose herself in the emotion, let go.
Cry.
Let herself feel everything.
She couldn't do it. The strong people didn't get weak moments.
She hadn't spoken to Dawn since Sunday. She had spilled about her weekend and said "We'll get together soon though. I just don't know when that'll be."
Dawn never asked about how it went...maybe she never really cared. Dawn had her own issues to deal with...she didn't have the space to care about hers too.
No one did.
She really needed to get used to being alone. It was the only way she was going to survive.
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
And....Scene.
She had a good feeling she was going to be ghosted by Piz. It was the middle of the week and she hadn't heard a peep from him. She had deleted her dating profile so she couldn't check and see if he was still checking it. She knew he was though. A few times he had popped up on her Facebook sidebar, liking a status or two. She shared everything that she had been doing that week with gusto. She wanted to make sure he knew she wasn't sitting around pining away for him.
Of course, that's all she really wanted to be doing. She wanted to have time to get over it. But instead she was early voting, having dinner with friends, and going to see a show. In-between, she was trying to control the near-constant panic attack. She drank shots of lemon juice to shock her system into somehow stopping freaking out.
She hated being HSP and yet totally logical. She had gone her whole life without Piz, it would be effortless to continue on without him. She had seen things in him that had made it clear that they wouldn't last anyway. His teeth were funny. His open mouthed smile was sometimes disconcerning. It showed his uncertainties, his weakness. He wasn't, in the end, going to be strong enough for her. He was too similar to her ex in that sense. It would have never lasted.
And yet, he made her feel alive when they were together. He was so passionate, he kissed her like he was getting oxygen from her. Like his life depended upon the next kiss. She could get drunk on his attention.
He had noticed her birthmark on her shoulder one night, had called it an arrowhead shape. He traced it with his fingers the way she traced the turtle tattoo on his arm earlier that same night. She was obsessed with his adorable sailor tattoos and thought the meaning behind each was great. She asked one night if the turtle had a name. He said that he didn't, but she could name him. Since he was right below his "Rebel Scum" tattoo, she named him Luke.
Whenever she had gotten up in the middle of the night and gotten back into bed, if he was awake or asleep, he'd always take her into his arms. He had made her heart melt. Then harden. She felt like a half-melted chocolate that someone had thrown in the freezer for later. She would never be the same shape.
By Thursday she was still sad, but had calmed down. No more panic attacks. No more drinking to forget. Just sad acceptance that she would never hear from him again. She finally had space to decompress and breathe.
The dumb girl part of her brain kept saying "Maybe he'll call...maybe he will come to his senses."
The logical girl part said "Even if he did...would you even want him back?"
She had no idea. She almost wished she never had to make that choice.
Of course, that's all she really wanted to be doing. She wanted to have time to get over it. But instead she was early voting, having dinner with friends, and going to see a show. In-between, she was trying to control the near-constant panic attack. She drank shots of lemon juice to shock her system into somehow stopping freaking out.
She hated being HSP and yet totally logical. She had gone her whole life without Piz, it would be effortless to continue on without him. She had seen things in him that had made it clear that they wouldn't last anyway. His teeth were funny. His open mouthed smile was sometimes disconcerning. It showed his uncertainties, his weakness. He wasn't, in the end, going to be strong enough for her. He was too similar to her ex in that sense. It would have never lasted.
And yet, he made her feel alive when they were together. He was so passionate, he kissed her like he was getting oxygen from her. Like his life depended upon the next kiss. She could get drunk on his attention.
He had noticed her birthmark on her shoulder one night, had called it an arrowhead shape. He traced it with his fingers the way she traced the turtle tattoo on his arm earlier that same night. She was obsessed with his adorable sailor tattoos and thought the meaning behind each was great. She asked one night if the turtle had a name. He said that he didn't, but she could name him. Since he was right below his "Rebel Scum" tattoo, she named him Luke.
Whenever she had gotten up in the middle of the night and gotten back into bed, if he was awake or asleep, he'd always take her into his arms. He had made her heart melt. Then harden. She felt like a half-melted chocolate that someone had thrown in the freezer for later. She would never be the same shape.
By Thursday she was still sad, but had calmed down. No more panic attacks. No more drinking to forget. Just sad acceptance that she would never hear from him again. She finally had space to decompress and breathe.
The dumb girl part of her brain kept saying "Maybe he'll call...maybe he will come to his senses."
The logical girl part said "Even if he did...would you even want him back?"
She had no idea. She almost wished she never had to make that choice.
Tuesday, November 1, 2016
Self-Destructive
She was spiraling. She had finally started to feel and overthink what had happened, and she was furious.
She was mad at herself for making it seem so easy for him, putting the ball in his court. She should have just said what she wanted. She should have said "Stop worrying, lets have fun and in March I don't want to hear from you again."
She was mad for not making him feel bad about his dating profile. He was leading people on by having it at all. It was bullshit. If he really wanted to keep it he should have changed it to "looking for friends" and called it a day.
She was mad at herself that she had sex with him when clearly she saw this as a possibility for happening. She almost knew it in the moment, knew that when he said "It's just you and me until March" that he wasn't thinking about it. Ugh, men were stupid.
Why did this always happen? Why did no man want to stay with her long term except her ex, who was really just coexisting and not being together. What was wrong with them? She was a catch. There is literally no reason why someone wouldn't want to be with her. She was fun, had a sense of humor, smart. Maybe these guys just weren't that smart.
Maybe she was too intense. She came on too strong, seemed too free. Maybe it was the opposite, she came off too aloof, distant, always holding everyone at arm's length.
She just wanted to be alone. Be depressed about it, and watch sad movies and listen to sad songs.
She hated everyone and everything and didn't want to deal with anyone's shit anymore.
She was spiraling.
She didn't have the space to be anti-social right now. She had agreed to help at the Improv show that Saturday. There was a guy on the dating site that had been bugging her to meet, and she said she would comp him a ticket to the show just to shut him up. He wouldn't stop with the small talk, and she had actually told him that it was killing her soul to keep small talking with him. He was still not to be deterred. He had really bad timing.
She didn't recognize him at all when he came up to her box office. This was the closest she had come to being catfished. He looked like he had taken all of his photos before trying meth. He looked like white trash. She was so turned off she could barely look at him. She avoided him the rest of the night, even though every time she did look in his direction, he was staring at her.
She went straight home after the show, and a message popped up from the guy.
"By the way....you have a great smile."
She snapped and deleted her account. She was done with it all.
She was mad at herself for making it seem so easy for him, putting the ball in his court. She should have just said what she wanted. She should have said "Stop worrying, lets have fun and in March I don't want to hear from you again."
She was mad for not making him feel bad about his dating profile. He was leading people on by having it at all. It was bullshit. If he really wanted to keep it he should have changed it to "looking for friends" and called it a day.
She was mad at herself that she had sex with him when clearly she saw this as a possibility for happening. She almost knew it in the moment, knew that when he said "It's just you and me until March" that he wasn't thinking about it. Ugh, men were stupid.
Why did this always happen? Why did no man want to stay with her long term except her ex, who was really just coexisting and not being together. What was wrong with them? She was a catch. There is literally no reason why someone wouldn't want to be with her. She was fun, had a sense of humor, smart. Maybe these guys just weren't that smart.
Maybe she was too intense. She came on too strong, seemed too free. Maybe it was the opposite, she came off too aloof, distant, always holding everyone at arm's length.
She just wanted to be alone. Be depressed about it, and watch sad movies and listen to sad songs.
She hated everyone and everything and didn't want to deal with anyone's shit anymore.
She was spiraling.
She didn't have the space to be anti-social right now. She had agreed to help at the Improv show that Saturday. There was a guy on the dating site that had been bugging her to meet, and she said she would comp him a ticket to the show just to shut him up. He wouldn't stop with the small talk, and she had actually told him that it was killing her soul to keep small talking with him. He was still not to be deterred. He had really bad timing.
She didn't recognize him at all when he came up to her box office. This was the closest she had come to being catfished. He looked like he had taken all of his photos before trying meth. He looked like white trash. She was so turned off she could barely look at him. She avoided him the rest of the night, even though every time she did look in his direction, he was staring at her.
She went straight home after the show, and a message popped up from the guy.
"By the way....you have a great smile."
She snapped and deleted her account. She was done with it all.
Monday, October 31, 2016
Pan Roasted Part 2
"I.....I don't know. What...what am I doing up here?" Piz said, and leaned over, putting his face in his hands.
"What do you want from me?" She asked. "It can go either way, but I just want this to be clear."
What followed was a blur of emotion. He pulled on his shoe and kept saying he had to "get out of there" and "couldn't think." He mostly said he was scared.
"What are you afraid of? We need to sort this out, once and for all. If you don't want this, then that's fine. I want to be your friend, even if that is all there is, if that is all you can handle.
"I just....I can't. I can't be in a relationship right now."
She quietly noticed that it had gone from "can't be in a serious relationship" right now to "can't be in a relationship" period. Clearly he didn't know what was going on in his own head right now.
"It's not you, you are so wonderful, amazing, I could just...ugh I could look into your eyes forever. I just can't do it, I can't be in a relationship right now."
"Okay," she said quietly, "Then answer this for me. Why are you on the dating site every day?"
He looked down at his hands. "So that's what this is about."
"It's part of what upsets me, yes. We agreed to be exclusively dating. That's what we were doing. It was great. Then you started pulling away, being distant. Clearly it wasn't what you wanted anymore. So I gave you a pass, I ended it. That's fine. But when you continue to be on the site looking at other woman, it's basically like saying I'm not good enough. That you will always be looking out for something better."
"That's not what it's like at all!" Then he proceeded to basically tell her that it was exactly like that. He was awkward, he was still saying he was scared. He told her that when he first got together with his ex, she made him stop talking to girls that were his friends, and delete his dating profile right away. Because he liked her so much he did it, but he felt like this time around he had to do things on his own terms.
"Okay, but then that isn't being exclusive, which I asked you several times before we had sex if those terms were okay. You agreed to those terms. So okay, new situation, new rules. I'm willing to compromise a little bit. You can keep your profile up. I'm done talking about it. We can either keep dating exclusively and having sex, or dating casually and not having sex. I wouldn't want you up in my apartment again. Or, we can just be friends."
"I'll have to think about it. What are you doing on Sunday?"
"Sunday I don't have any plans, but you don't have to answer by then. You can take your time."
She got his pan roast out of her fridge, and he hugged her and kissed her on the forehead before he left.
"Hey, please just text me that you got home okay?" She asked.
"I will." He said.
She waited an hour before texting him first. "Did you get home okay?"
No answer. 15 minutes later she texted again "Okay...I hope you did. I've got to be up early so I'm going to sleep now. Feel free to contact me when you are ready."
The weekend passed without a single message. She was afraid that she might be in a situation where she would be ghosted.
"What do you want from me?" She asked. "It can go either way, but I just want this to be clear."
What followed was a blur of emotion. He pulled on his shoe and kept saying he had to "get out of there" and "couldn't think." He mostly said he was scared.
"What are you afraid of? We need to sort this out, once and for all. If you don't want this, then that's fine. I want to be your friend, even if that is all there is, if that is all you can handle.
"I just....I can't. I can't be in a relationship right now."
She quietly noticed that it had gone from "can't be in a serious relationship" right now to "can't be in a relationship" period. Clearly he didn't know what was going on in his own head right now.
"It's not you, you are so wonderful, amazing, I could just...ugh I could look into your eyes forever. I just can't do it, I can't be in a relationship right now."
"Okay," she said quietly, "Then answer this for me. Why are you on the dating site every day?"
He looked down at his hands. "So that's what this is about."
"It's part of what upsets me, yes. We agreed to be exclusively dating. That's what we were doing. It was great. Then you started pulling away, being distant. Clearly it wasn't what you wanted anymore. So I gave you a pass, I ended it. That's fine. But when you continue to be on the site looking at other woman, it's basically like saying I'm not good enough. That you will always be looking out for something better."
"That's not what it's like at all!" Then he proceeded to basically tell her that it was exactly like that. He was awkward, he was still saying he was scared. He told her that when he first got together with his ex, she made him stop talking to girls that were his friends, and delete his dating profile right away. Because he liked her so much he did it, but he felt like this time around he had to do things on his own terms.
"Okay, but then that isn't being exclusive, which I asked you several times before we had sex if those terms were okay. You agreed to those terms. So okay, new situation, new rules. I'm willing to compromise a little bit. You can keep your profile up. I'm done talking about it. We can either keep dating exclusively and having sex, or dating casually and not having sex. I wouldn't want you up in my apartment again. Or, we can just be friends."
"I'll have to think about it. What are you doing on Sunday?"
"Sunday I don't have any plans, but you don't have to answer by then. You can take your time."
She got his pan roast out of her fridge, and he hugged her and kissed her on the forehead before he left.
"Hey, please just text me that you got home okay?" She asked.
"I will." He said.
She waited an hour before texting him first. "Did you get home okay?"
No answer. 15 minutes later she texted again "Okay...I hope you did. I've got to be up early so I'm going to sleep now. Feel free to contact me when you are ready."
The weekend passed without a single message. She was afraid that she might be in a situation where she would be ghosted.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)