Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Self-Destructive

She was spiraling.  She had finally started to feel and overthink what had happened, and she was furious.

She was mad at herself for making it seem so easy for him, putting the ball in his court.  She should have just said what she wanted.  She should have said "Stop worrying, lets have fun and in March I don't want to hear from you again."

She was mad for not making him feel bad about his dating profile.  He was leading people on by having it at all.  It was bullshit.  If he really wanted to keep it he should have changed it to "looking for friends" and called it a day.

She was mad at herself that she had sex with him when clearly she saw this as a possibility for happening.  She almost knew it in the moment, knew that when he said "It's just you and me until March" that he wasn't thinking about it.  Ugh, men were stupid.

Why did this always happen?  Why did no man want to stay with her long term except her ex, who was really just coexisting and not being together.  What was wrong with them?  She was a catch.  There is literally no reason why someone wouldn't want to be with her.  She was fun, had a sense of humor, smart.  Maybe these guys just weren't that smart.

Maybe she was too intense.  She came on too strong, seemed too free.  Maybe it was the opposite, she came off too aloof, distant, always holding everyone at arm's length.

She just wanted to be alone.  Be depressed about it, and watch sad movies and listen to sad songs. 

She hated everyone and everything and didn't want to deal with anyone's shit anymore.

She was spiraling.

She didn't have the space to be anti-social right now.  She had agreed to help at the Improv show that Saturday.  There was a guy on the dating site that had been bugging her to meet, and she said she would comp him a ticket to the show just to shut him up.  He wouldn't stop with the small talk, and she had actually told him that it was killing her soul to keep small talking with him.  He was still not to be deterred.  He had really bad timing.

She didn't recognize him at all when he came up to her box office.  This was the closest she had come to being catfished.  He looked like he had taken all of his photos before trying meth.  He looked like white trash.  She was so turned off she could barely look at him.  She avoided him the rest of the night, even though every time she did look in his direction, he was staring at her.

She went straight home after the show, and a message popped up from the guy.

"By the way....you have a great smile."

She snapped and deleted her account.  She was done with it all.

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