"I'm NOT giving you the link to this blog, you can just forget it. I'll maybe read you something."
So later KSL came over for a staged reading of this very blog. She read him entries, spilling other monikers accidentally, up until March 17th. He laughed, he corrected, he made fun of gently. They joked about love languages and writing styles as he faced forward listening to her, as she faced him so he couldn't see the computer screen. He called her writing style cinematic, which for a cinemophile such as himself was a high compliment. It almost topped the time when he called her a good kisser just 5 days prior.
They made drinks and talked about his girlfriend and how he just needed to to get some money to leave. "I just have no place to go."
"You have plenty of places to go!" She retorted. "What, am I gonna sleep on your couch for three weeks while I get money together?" He said. "You are welcome to!" She replied.
"Yeah, you'll just take advantage of me." He said with a smile. She said nothing, but the remark stung. She hadn't made the first move any of the times that they had gotten together, so he was clearly projecting...but it was wearing thin on her heart to not feel wanted by him.
They continued the staged reading of this very blog until he had to leave. They hugged and she grabbed his face and kissed him. "Ooh, that one was you!" He said to her, pulling away after what felt like two seconds.
"Yeah, trying to take the lead." She mumbled, feeling like she had to make an excuse. It was painfully awkward. She felt especially exposed and vulnerable after he pulled away. She had given so much of herself that night, she felt raw. She put herself out there, and had nothing to show for it but an awkward kiss. Their kisses had never been awkward before. He had always made them feel easy and right. This felt like a death.
He'd made several points to their being friends and not being involved throughout the evening, whether as something to push back against her, or he honestly just did this with all his friends. He also made remarks to them being involved physically, so she might never know. There was even a small conversation about how his love language was physical touch, and she was "just being a friend." She was getting really good at pushing people away.
She walked him to the elevator, texted him to let her know he got home safe, then got ready for bed and wrote this post as she waited for his text. It was all very Meta.
The next day she messaged him "I'm sure you guessed that I pre-gamed before you came over so I could get through last night. Sorry for slurring my way through it."
"Was it? I feel like a giant open wound right now."
"I appreciate the trust you displayed. For what its worth, you didn't sound tipsy"
It didn't make her feel better.