Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Desperately Seeking Validation

She had a chocolate bar in her fridge for weeks, left behind from a KSL trip to the capitol for coffee.  She didn't feel like eating it.  It struck her as very unusual that she didn't want chocolate.

The feeling was desolation.  She had no romantic prospects and woke up thinking about Piz every night, in the middle of the night.  She would cuddle with the pillow he used to get back to sleep.  She still couldn't figure out if she missed him, or the idea of him.

She couldn't figure out what kept drawing her to online dating.  She didn't find anything great last time, why try again?  She asked BFF which escalated into a fight that she shot down everything that BFF suggested that she do.  She was just trying to have a conversation, and there were so many other things she was angry at her about that she just gave up instead of fight.

This wasn't like her.  This was another, deeper level of depression.  She didn't even want to drink.

She had decided to spend time with her mom earlier in the week.  Her mom had asked her, several times, if it was really over between her and her ex.

"Mom...do you think that's what I deserve?  Do you think I deserve to stay with a man who doesn't love me?  You think I'm making a mistake?"  She had to ask this several times before demanding a yes or no answer.

"Well, I mean, I guess no." She finally answered.

She told KSL about it later.  "I just kinda need someone, but my mom especially, to be adamant about my worth.  I let this happen for a really long time because I thought I didn't deserve better.  And I waffle on that everyday, thinking I'm not good enough.  And it's just so easy to slip.  So easy to go from being okay with myself and being confident to thinking; if my mom doesn't think I'm good enough, why am I using up all this air?"

He messaged back "Stahp.  You are worthy.  You deserve love.  You are right to want someone who wants you.  Truly."

It made her feel a little better, but she was still just sort of devoid of emotion.  She got a surprise call from PJ on her way to rehearsal and gave him a lowdown of the feelings, and also added that she had decided to go for online dating again.  After a few hours of being back she had a message from a guy she was talking to previously, and a guy wanting to pay her to talk about farts.  It was just freaking fantastic to be back.

"I don't even understand why I'm doing it.  Validation I guess, like I need someone to pay attention to me, which is lame and silly.  I just feel like I'm so much better than this, I deserve better."

PJ was quick to respond, "Hey, it's me you're talking to, you don't need to make excuses for your feelings.  It's funny, I feel that way about work sometimes, that I shouldn't be working at a warehouse, I'm smarter than all of it.  And maybe that's it for you, maybe because you aren't getting the validation you need at work or have a significant other to turn to, it just ups the lonely factor.  I don't think you are doing anything wrong."

That almost brought her out of her malaise.

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