Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Climbing Out of the Pit

The fatigue continued to plague her throughout the run of the show.  She used to have a hard time sleeping even in her own bed, but now she could fall asleep almost anywhere.  She chalked it up to the sinus infection, the stress of work and the show and never being alone.  She knew this fatigue was much worse than it had been before she had been on medication, but she pushed it aside and keep moving forward as best as she could.

It all came to a head the last night of the show.  She got into a fight with KSL that took her to an edge she rarely went to.  She raised her voice, talked over him because she was sick of being marginalized and was just all around over the situation.  It was finally over so she felt herself spewing forth all the things she'd been holding back "for the sake of the show."

The next day she'd thought about her feelings and the situation and how it could be improved, and finally came upon a solution; she must stop caring about what he thought of her.  She would never be able to help him, never be able to get to the level of caring that he needed.

So why try.

She had been hiding parts of who she was, 'dulling her shine' as PJ called it, and she was over it.  She decided to be 100% who she was with reckless abandon from here on out.  If she wanted to do something she'd do it, and she wouldn't if she wasn't feeling it.  She had just freed herself two years ago, she wasn't about to hide herself away again so quickly.

She went about the day with her freedom, playing with the small plastic dinosaurs a cast member had gotten her every time she walked by.  She finally had some time to herself to enjoy the easy, stress free life.

That night was KSL's movie night, and it seemed that only couples were showing up.  At least it wasn't just going to be the awkwardness of KSL trying to canoodle with his ex, but then his ex didn't end up showing up.  Mel's ex did however, but it wasn't awkward.  She assumed that she was aware of their shared man but beautifully never brought it up or let it get in the way of their friendship.  She was kind of an Angel.

Angel ended up snuggling up next to her, and the platonic affection was really nice.  She cursed herself for being an empath as she noticed KSL get more and more agitated by the fact that he was the only one not cuddling with someone else.  A passive aggressive tweet he sent out in the middle of the movie confirmed his feelings.

Angel hung back for a bit to talk, and then once she was out the door, she confronted KSL.  "What's with the tweet buddy?" Then she realized he was drunk.  He admitted as much, and hugged her and stated how he was just suddenly really lonely.  Maybe it was just the couples, maybe it was the end of the show...but he was clearly upset.

The polar icecaps around her heart melted a bit towards him, and she said that they could cuddle on the couch and watch a couple of shows until he sobered up, then he could go to sleep.  She had a bit to drink herself and wasn't going to bed anytime soon.

After an episode he went from having his arm around her to around the couch.  She figured he'd sobered up enough that he was physically uncomfortable around her once again, and she prodded a bit on if he was 'over' the cuddle session.  He insisted that he wasn't, but she commented it was basically her leaning into him and nothing more, and if that was going to be all there was then she could go back to her side of the couch.

"Okay fine, here, does this help?" He leaned over her and started kissing her.

Her heart dropped into her stomach.  Tears stung her eyes but she managed to hold them back.  Never before had she been so utterly sad to have someone kiss her, so used.  He was lonely, and she was there.  She was completely interchangeable from anyone else who could be sitting on that couch with him.  Strange how a kiss can make you feel not special at all to the person currently kissing you.

She waited for him to notice that she wasn't kissing him back, until he finally stopped.  "There, is that better?" He asked.

She dropped her head onto his chest and said "No.  We aren't doing that buddy."

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