Seething hatred for herself. So weak. She continued to beat herself up as she felt herself slip further and further into fatigue and self-doubt.
A headache had started days ago, and it ebbed and flowed through her cranium. Just when she thought it was gone, it would return full force. Everyone was too loud, everything too bright. KSL sent her on an errand and she had to keep her sunglasses on in the store, it was too bright. She was too fatigued and messed it all up. KSL pretended like he wasn't upset about it, but clearly he was.
One of the actors said that his wife has lupus, so he understood that sometimes...really all the time, was constant pain. Most of the time she could hide it, but it looked like she was having a harder time.
Maybe she should find another place. Then KSL's friend could give away her dog and move in and then he'd be happy, and she could go back to not having to pretend 24/7 that she was okay. He was clearly embarrassed by her, or still just too worried about what people would think. His movie night was a scary movie, and she didn't mean to be scooting towards him but she was tired, therefore weak, therefore looking for someone to lean on.
If she'd been his ex, he would have snuggled with her. If she'd been his friend, any other friend, he would have comforted her.
But she wasn't someone else. She must be avoided at all costs, even if that meant giving up "his spot" on the couch. Had she'd not been sick, weak...she wouldn't have bothered sitting by him at all. Wouldn't had even been there. She considered just going out and sleeping in her car, but she felt too sick. She slept through most of the second movie in his spot, and continued to beat herself up through the next day as her headache worsened.