"How are you feeling?" He asked her as he widened his arms for a hug. She hugged him without the usual tip-toe stance and said "I do have a lot of feelings going on right now. It's intense up here." she pointed to her head.
His face contorted and he said "Look, don't worry about it. It's not that big deal, we had some fun, but it's no big deal--" He stopped talking as someone came around the corner. For now the conversation was on hold.
She had the whole run of the show to contemplate why he didn't think it was a big deal. Was it because he didn't mean it? Did he do it out of pity? He felt sorry for her? He had no feelings for her whatsoever? She was just another story to tell to the next girl? The dumb married chick who was unhappy and he gave her a few kisses for funsies?
She had a lot to think about, but saying it wasn't a big deal sent her wall up, and she was quiet backstage for most of the play. About halfway through he asked her if she was okay. He made a hand motion to suggest she had become very stoic. She said she just had a lot to think about, but in retrospect she just needed to shut up her heart for awhile.
They got stuck outside waiting for Super Director to come out and talked a little about everything. "Of course it was a big deal. I just said that to get you to calm down." She didn't tell him that it had the opposite effect. Since she was uncomfortable, she made a bad joke about how if she was going to throw away her marriage, she'd want more than just stage kisses. His wall went up and they said things that she texted and apologized for later.
She had so many things she wanted to ask him and hesitated. Were they really friendly kisses? Why does he like her? Why did they both always put up a wall and say things they don't want to? When they both had a drink they had no problem taking the walls down and answering these questions. For now, the production played out behind the wall, and she sat backstage comparing it to her entire life.
