She had enough time to mentally prepare herself for this trip, so it started in the best of spirits. Having an extended period with Goldie was going to be fun. She was going to a different part of the country than she'd ever been before, and was really looking forward to the new experience of being at a film festival.
Goldie said this was the "chilliest" off all the festivals, something that was right up her alley. The conversation never stopped and it was never awkward between them.
"If you hook up with anyone do it in their room" Goldie said, dead serious. She laughed hard and reminded her that being a demisexual sort of exuded her from the "random fuck at the film festival" crowd.
She was there representing Goldie and her art, so she was on her best behavior. She didn't talk much, she made sure when she did it was nice or funny, or harmless. She made sure she was always listening, always engaged and responding with her eyes to the things people were saying.
"You are catching the LOOKS at this festival. What the hell was that? All the guys were checking out your boobs." Goldie commented after they went back to the room from the welcome party.
Even with her lack of self-awareness when it came to other people and what they thought of her she noticed it. Some kid in college had chatted her up before a few members of the band had engaged them in conversation.
"Maybe they are just noticing my energy. I'm trying to be nice to everyone and seem approachable so that I don't make you look unfavorable."
"Nah, something else is going on," Goldie brought up later on in the weekend. "They are checking out your boobs but you are like, flirty and mysterious or something to them!"
A flash, of a life a very very long time ago. She used to be a big flirt, before the marriage had stopped her out of respect to her husband. Then, after she realized that she had KSL had been doing it, it had been put into her mind as something "bad" that she shouldn't be doing, and she'd compartmentalized that part of herself.
It was easy to be likable when someone realized they were actually being listened to.
The rest of the trip was full of sensory overload activities, A and B list celebs, and a lot of excellent conversations. She had a blast but was emotionally spent by the time they got back to the airport.
Her mind kept going back to her "flirty" side for weeks, the rusty one that she hadn't used in awhile. Was there a point in bringing her back to the surface?
Showing posts with label Goldie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Goldie. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 30, 2019
Wednesday, January 16, 2019
Explode/Implode
Her ex had called, which he never did. She answered because his father had just died, and she thought he could really use a friend. As it turned out, their shared cat had died while he was away taking care of his dad. It had broken him, and he cried to her over the phone. She asked if he wanted her to come over, but he had to go to bed soon as he needed to work early.
KSL asked her what she needed directly after the phone call. She was both numb and feeling everything at once, and she answered honestly that there was nothing he could do right now. There was nothing anyone could do...she'd just lost her last father figure.
People started showing up for KSL's movie night, and the more people arrived the more her anxiety level rose. KSL was busy cooking and entertaining, and she tried to hang out in the common area, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer. It would not be fair to commander KSL's night, so she decided leaving was best. She decided it so fast that she found herself on the other side of her front door with nowhere to go.
After a few panicked texts, she ended up safe at Goldie's house. She managed to get her emotions under control, and then she got a text from KSL that said that everyone was about to clear out, and it was "safe" for her to return home and not be overwhelmed with people.
An hour later she returned to a not-so empty home. KSL was in his room, but his ex's shoes and purse were still by the door, and her phone lay face-up on the coffee table. They were talking, loudly, and laughing occasionally. As she got some water from the kitchen, it quickly became apparent that they were starting to have sex.
It stung. She felt disrespected. He'd promised her a safe place to come home too, and delivered the exact opposite. The juxtaposition of her grief and having to listen to the extremely loud sex grated on her psyche in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. It felt personal. It felt like an attack on her. He had led her to this situation, and soon enough she saw nothing but red.
The escapades lasted for 4+ hours. She got more angry the longer it went on. He knew she had plans early the next morning, and it felt like he was deliberately doing this to her.
She finally got 2 hours of sleep, woke up, and sent him a very long text. "As a friend, especially after how much of my emotional state I've shared with you as of late, it was extra hurtful to have to listen to you having sex with her while experiencing grief. It showed me that you are more willing to follow what makes your dick hard instead of being a respectful friend. But hey, you finally did it. You've finally convinced me, after 8 months of insisting, that you are garbage."
She told him she needed a full 24 hours before speaking on the matter, and preferred not to see him in that time frame. She had a lot of calming down to do.
KSL asked her what she needed directly after the phone call. She was both numb and feeling everything at once, and she answered honestly that there was nothing he could do right now. There was nothing anyone could do...she'd just lost her last father figure.
People started showing up for KSL's movie night, and the more people arrived the more her anxiety level rose. KSL was busy cooking and entertaining, and she tried to hang out in the common area, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer. It would not be fair to commander KSL's night, so she decided leaving was best. She decided it so fast that she found herself on the other side of her front door with nowhere to go.
After a few panicked texts, she ended up safe at Goldie's house. She managed to get her emotions under control, and then she got a text from KSL that said that everyone was about to clear out, and it was "safe" for her to return home and not be overwhelmed with people.
An hour later she returned to a not-so empty home. KSL was in his room, but his ex's shoes and purse were still by the door, and her phone lay face-up on the coffee table. They were talking, loudly, and laughing occasionally. As she got some water from the kitchen, it quickly became apparent that they were starting to have sex.
It stung. She felt disrespected. He'd promised her a safe place to come home too, and delivered the exact opposite. The juxtaposition of her grief and having to listen to the extremely loud sex grated on her psyche in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time. It felt personal. It felt like an attack on her. He had led her to this situation, and soon enough she saw nothing but red.
The escapades lasted for 4+ hours. She got more angry the longer it went on. He knew she had plans early the next morning, and it felt like he was deliberately doing this to her.
She finally got 2 hours of sleep, woke up, and sent him a very long text. "As a friend, especially after how much of my emotional state I've shared with you as of late, it was extra hurtful to have to listen to you having sex with her while experiencing grief. It showed me that you are more willing to follow what makes your dick hard instead of being a respectful friend. But hey, you finally did it. You've finally convinced me, after 8 months of insisting, that you are garbage."
She told him she needed a full 24 hours before speaking on the matter, and preferred not to see him in that time frame. She had a lot of calming down to do.
Friday, November 16, 2018
Losing All Sense of Home
"So, I'm actually moving in a month." SD dropped the bomb on her for the few minutes they spent together before she had to get back to Goldie's dog. Goldie herself was moving out of the building next summer.
"Is it weird, coming back here now that you don't live here anymore?" Mel asked when he was over to visit. "No," she answered, "It still feels like home."
She realized suddenly that soon she would have no reason to go back to her old building. The place she still considered home. Though she had a place to stash her crap, it didn't feel like home. She knew it wasn't going to be forever.
The next day she had a start of a panic attack and didn't know why. Talking through it with Banana she realized that it was just because it was like moving out of the building all over again, losing her home all over again. Luckily the sudden knowledge of what she was panicking about stopped the attack, but the sadness of the situation remained.
She was emotionally homeless.
"Is it weird, coming back here now that you don't live here anymore?" Mel asked when he was over to visit. "No," she answered, "It still feels like home."
She realized suddenly that soon she would have no reason to go back to her old building. The place she still considered home. Though she had a place to stash her crap, it didn't feel like home. She knew it wasn't going to be forever.
The next day she had a start of a panic attack and didn't know why. Talking through it with Banana she realized that it was just because it was like moving out of the building all over again, losing her home all over again. Luckily the sudden knowledge of what she was panicking about stopped the attack, but the sadness of the situation remained.
She was emotionally homeless.
Wednesday, October 31, 2018
Plans Meant to be Broken
Nameless: "The...mainly tying you up, bending you over and giving you a spanking...and maybe if you beg just right giving you those little bites you like all over your body."
The date wasn't ideal. Her body wouldn't be down for sex that week. "Am I still cute even if you can't have sex with me when you come?" She asked.
"Well I guess. At least you can be my drinking partner." He responded. She rolled her eyes.
A few weeks later, and he wasn't coming after all. "Boss just put me on a new experiment...I will be busy for the next few weeks. I also won't be up until after Thanksgiving now."
She was disappointed, but put it out of her mind.
Goldie brought up the weekend and her plans on Friday, and she had told her that her plans had been canceled. She ended up committing to dog-sitting.
A few days later, another text from Nameless. "I was thinking about you last night. I was thinking about the last time I saw you..then about some of the things we talked about that may or may not be done to you the next time I saw you."
"You were being naughty and thinking about restraining me? That's an exciting thought."
He responded "I was just thinking about stuff like that. I wish you could fly up to Portland with me next week. Wednesday through Friday. You should fly up...just take these days off."
She smirked to herself. She really enjoyed their tête-à-têtes. Just his text tone could make her smile. She was so happy that she got the occasional words of affirmation from him. She was slowly realizing that she was never going to get everything in one man...so this might be a good start.
"Hmm, when exactly will you be doing all this exciting stuff to me?"
The date wasn't ideal. Her body wouldn't be down for sex that week. "Am I still cute even if you can't have sex with me when you come?" She asked.
"Well I guess. At least you can be my drinking partner." He responded. She rolled her eyes.
A few weeks later, and he wasn't coming after all. "Boss just put me on a new experiment...I will be busy for the next few weeks. I also won't be up until after Thanksgiving now."
She was disappointed, but put it out of her mind.
Goldie brought up the weekend and her plans on Friday, and she had told her that her plans had been canceled. She ended up committing to dog-sitting.
A few days later, another text from Nameless. "I was thinking about you last night. I was thinking about the last time I saw you..then about some of the things we talked about that may or may not be done to you the next time I saw you."
"You were being naughty and thinking about restraining me? That's an exciting thought."
He responded "I was just thinking about stuff like that. I wish you could fly up to Portland with me next week. Wednesday through Friday. You should fly up...just take these days off."
She smirked to herself. She really enjoyed their tête-à-têtes. Just his text tone could make her smile. She was so happy that she got the occasional words of affirmation from him. She was slowly realizing that she was never going to get everything in one man...so this might be a good start.
Friday, September 7, 2018
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Goldie was asking if she was still driving KSL to work. She said yes, and explained about the two cars back and the payments he was still making.
Goldie was already a few drinks in and asked if she could text him, as if she could "fix" the situation. She told her to go ahead. Goldie started texting away on her phone, and she dug back into her crab legs. Most of the conversation just came back around to who was doing the best on getting their crab all out in one go.
She shared her "perfectly casual" encounter with Nameless, and Goldie was super-proud that she was able to get to that point. Of course she wanted to know why it wouldn't work out forever, and she explained the distance, the feeling that she just knew that it was never going to be "love" in the strictest sense of the word. Affection, trust, respect, for sure...but not love. Because the respect was there, she was perfectly happy with how everything turned out.
Maybe she was so happy with it because she knew that for the most part that might be all she could ask for when it came to men, to "relationships."
"Not to Rodney Dangerfield all over it, but I feel like no one gives me the respect I give everyone else. KSL doesn't respect me."
"KSL loves you." Goldie retorted.
She rolled her eyes before responding "Yeah, okay sure...but he doesn't respect me."
Goldie still didn't get her point. "He's very respectful. I had to literally straddled him for that show every night and draw a scar on his face, and he never once made a move or a comment about anything sexual."
"Of course, because he respects you. He would never make a move on you." She told Goldie.
"Yeah plus I'm married and not desirable"
Again she rolled her eyes. Goldie was gorgeous and totally missing her point. She changed the subject and they were back to talking about film festivals and dog sitting.
Still, being respected and being desired seemed to be mutually exclusive. She couldn't expect love on top of it, it was a Venn diagram that never intersected...basically 3 circles. She tried, for weeks, to shake it off. Forget it, get it to stop getting her down.
It didn't work.
Goldie was already a few drinks in and asked if she could text him, as if she could "fix" the situation. She told her to go ahead. Goldie started texting away on her phone, and she dug back into her crab legs. Most of the conversation just came back around to who was doing the best on getting their crab all out in one go.
She shared her "perfectly casual" encounter with Nameless, and Goldie was super-proud that she was able to get to that point. Of course she wanted to know why it wouldn't work out forever, and she explained the distance, the feeling that she just knew that it was never going to be "love" in the strictest sense of the word. Affection, trust, respect, for sure...but not love. Because the respect was there, she was perfectly happy with how everything turned out.
Maybe she was so happy with it because she knew that for the most part that might be all she could ask for when it came to men, to "relationships."
"Not to Rodney Dangerfield all over it, but I feel like no one gives me the respect I give everyone else. KSL doesn't respect me."
"KSL loves you." Goldie retorted.
She rolled her eyes before responding "Yeah, okay sure...but he doesn't respect me."
Goldie still didn't get her point. "He's very respectful. I had to literally straddled him for that show every night and draw a scar on his face, and he never once made a move or a comment about anything sexual."
"Of course, because he respects you. He would never make a move on you." She told Goldie.
"Yeah plus I'm married and not desirable"
Again she rolled her eyes. Goldie was gorgeous and totally missing her point. She changed the subject and they were back to talking about film festivals and dog sitting.
Still, being respected and being desired seemed to be mutually exclusive. She couldn't expect love on top of it, it was a Venn diagram that never intersected...basically 3 circles. She tried, for weeks, to shake it off. Forget it, get it to stop getting her down.
It didn't work.
Monday, May 28, 2018
Quirky
The first week had been emotionally and physically rough for her. She and KSL had some tense moments, but seemed to come out of it okay.
Many issues popped up that she had forgotten she had a problem with. She fell asleep the second night and woke up in the middle of a panic attack because he had closed her door. Claustrophobia was something she always forgot she had until it happened.
The little problems with the apartment had added up so much that it was almost comical. They couldn't put anything under their bathroom sinks because of water damage. Light switches and outlets didn't work. Once the washer/dryer units were delivered, they were just big enough that the door to the laundry room didn't close. The shelves in the kitchen were made of particle board, so they needed to buy contact paper.
In the meantime, things couldn't be put away until issues were fixed, so items remained out, causing her anxiety. Everything was circumstantial, and as she promised him, there was going to be a big period of adjustment for her.
"You are really quirky, you get that right?" Goldie had said to her. She knew, but that didn't make it any easier. She was also dealing with an intense amount of brain fog. The move had indeed knocked her entire body out of wack. She held it together during the day, since she didn't have much of a choice as work was one of the busiest weeks of the year. As she drove home each day she was out of energy to do anything at all. She was jealous that KSL had been able to take the week off, and he could take his time getting everything settled.
She learned to sleep with the door closed within 2 nights. She tried to keep to herself, suppress almost everything about her, trying not to intrude. He still pointed out all her quirks making her self conscious. He was matter of fact when he did it, not intending to hurt her. In fact, he was being really great with her. She knew he had the ability to cut her quickly and deeply, and he didn't.
They were both trying really hard.
Many issues popped up that she had forgotten she had a problem with. She fell asleep the second night and woke up in the middle of a panic attack because he had closed her door. Claustrophobia was something she always forgot she had until it happened.
The little problems with the apartment had added up so much that it was almost comical. They couldn't put anything under their bathroom sinks because of water damage. Light switches and outlets didn't work. Once the washer/dryer units were delivered, they were just big enough that the door to the laundry room didn't close. The shelves in the kitchen were made of particle board, so they needed to buy contact paper.
In the meantime, things couldn't be put away until issues were fixed, so items remained out, causing her anxiety. Everything was circumstantial, and as she promised him, there was going to be a big period of adjustment for her.
"You are really quirky, you get that right?" Goldie had said to her. She knew, but that didn't make it any easier. She was also dealing with an intense amount of brain fog. The move had indeed knocked her entire body out of wack. She held it together during the day, since she didn't have much of a choice as work was one of the busiest weeks of the year. As she drove home each day she was out of energy to do anything at all. She was jealous that KSL had been able to take the week off, and he could take his time getting everything settled.
She learned to sleep with the door closed within 2 nights. She tried to keep to herself, suppress almost everything about her, trying not to intrude. He still pointed out all her quirks making her self conscious. He was matter of fact when he did it, not intending to hurt her. In fact, he was being really great with her. She knew he had the ability to cut her quickly and deeply, and he didn't.
They were both trying really hard.
Monday, May 21, 2018
Tryst
They spent the next two weekends together, with him spending the night and them having sex until they ran out of the condoms that she had since the last time she'd been with him.
He was leaving soon, so she didn't attach any meaning to it. The sex wasn't as good as before either, because she knew it wasn't based in romantic affection for her, or anything other than him being horny.
She shouldn't have started it, it was bad for her self esteem. Luckily there was an end date to this tryst, and she almost looked forward to him moving. She still had fun going out drinking with him, and having great conversations. He seemed to confide things in her that he normally wouldn't to other people.
They went to the new improv show together, and she told him she would catch some shit later for it. "Why?"
"Because all they know is you kinda broke my heart and now suddenly you are back in the picture. Some of them aren't going to like it."
She ended up being shocked because no one really said a word about it except for Goldie a few days later, and she just said "Are you guys sh-banging again?" like there was no possible way they could be in a relationship again.
Had she ever even been in a real relationship? It certainly didn't feel like it.
He was leaving soon, so she didn't attach any meaning to it. The sex wasn't as good as before either, because she knew it wasn't based in romantic affection for her, or anything other than him being horny.
She shouldn't have started it, it was bad for her self esteem. Luckily there was an end date to this tryst, and she almost looked forward to him moving. She still had fun going out drinking with him, and having great conversations. He seemed to confide things in her that he normally wouldn't to other people.
They went to the new improv show together, and she told him she would catch some shit later for it. "Why?"
"Because all they know is you kinda broke my heart and now suddenly you are back in the picture. Some of them aren't going to like it."
She ended up being shocked because no one really said a word about it except for Goldie a few days later, and she just said "Are you guys sh-banging again?" like there was no possible way they could be in a relationship again.
Had she ever even been in a real relationship? It certainly didn't feel like it.
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Girl's Trip
They had to be up at 4am to make their flight.
Strike 1.
The sun rose as their plane made their decent into the city. She tried to keep up with conversation, the energy and excitement of the trip.
They got into town and she ordered a Rideshare, who promptly called her and asked how many people she had, and said he couldn't accommodate her and she needed to cancel the ride. The other girls yelled at her as soon as she had told them about it, like the guy had been her fault.
Strike 2.
They got to the hotel, that was of course not ready to check them in yet. They spent time in the lobby talking about nothing for what seemed like hours. Her introvert battery was quickly drained.
They decided to go to brunch early, and she decided to see how far she could walk before Mo came to pick her up at noon. According to her Fitbit, about 17,000 steps later, Mo came to pick her up with his wife and baby, and they headed to their favorite sushi restaurant.
It was the first time meeting his baby, and he reached out for her immediately, which made her feel good. She needed to make time to go down and visit him, maybe later on in the summertime.
They met up with other friends and had an amazing time eating. Back at the hotel, the girls had gotten drunk at brunch, and all started to text her that they wanted pizza. She had just gorged herself on sushi and didn't appreciate that they all started to gang up on her, texting five or six times in a row. She made a decision to ignore their texts, because otherwise she would end up back at the hotel in a rage.
They were drunk and cranky when she got back, and she left an hour later to go out drinking with Mo. They laughed, talked, bar hopped, and had a great time. She missed him so much, and when his wife asked if the schools were better in her town, she said yes without even knowing if they were. It would be amazing if they moved to where she lived.
Things were getting a little better with him and his wife, and she was glad they seemed to be working things out. She talked to him about her relationship woes, and they commiserated with more cocktails.
She didn't get to see him the rest of the weekend, and spent much of it on her own exploring her old haunts. The girls got more and more drunk and belligerent as the weekend wore on, and it was testing her nerves.
Goldie got upset that her PJs had gone missing, but the maids had been in and made the beds, and must have put it with all the other clothes that were lying on the other bed. When she suggested this she was berated again by the girls for how stupid of an idea that was.
Strike 3. She was done.
Goldie got upset that she wasn't helping them look. "They are lost forever." She stated coldly. Later they of course found it in the exact place they had told them to look. They responded by calling her sensitive...because that's the best way to make a sensitive person feel better, to call attention to their sensitivity.
The entire rest of the trip she became cold and unresponsive, just waiting for it all to be over.
Strike 1.
The sun rose as their plane made their decent into the city. She tried to keep up with conversation, the energy and excitement of the trip.
They got into town and she ordered a Rideshare, who promptly called her and asked how many people she had, and said he couldn't accommodate her and she needed to cancel the ride. The other girls yelled at her as soon as she had told them about it, like the guy had been her fault.
Strike 2.
They got to the hotel, that was of course not ready to check them in yet. They spent time in the lobby talking about nothing for what seemed like hours. Her introvert battery was quickly drained.
They decided to go to brunch early, and she decided to see how far she could walk before Mo came to pick her up at noon. According to her Fitbit, about 17,000 steps later, Mo came to pick her up with his wife and baby, and they headed to their favorite sushi restaurant.
It was the first time meeting his baby, and he reached out for her immediately, which made her feel good. She needed to make time to go down and visit him, maybe later on in the summertime.
They met up with other friends and had an amazing time eating. Back at the hotel, the girls had gotten drunk at brunch, and all started to text her that they wanted pizza. She had just gorged herself on sushi and didn't appreciate that they all started to gang up on her, texting five or six times in a row. She made a decision to ignore their texts, because otherwise she would end up back at the hotel in a rage.
They were drunk and cranky when she got back, and she left an hour later to go out drinking with Mo. They laughed, talked, bar hopped, and had a great time. She missed him so much, and when his wife asked if the schools were better in her town, she said yes without even knowing if they were. It would be amazing if they moved to where she lived.
Things were getting a little better with him and his wife, and she was glad they seemed to be working things out. She talked to him about her relationship woes, and they commiserated with more cocktails.
She didn't get to see him the rest of the weekend, and spent much of it on her own exploring her old haunts. The girls got more and more drunk and belligerent as the weekend wore on, and it was testing her nerves.
Goldie got upset that her PJs had gone missing, but the maids had been in and made the beds, and must have put it with all the other clothes that were lying on the other bed. When she suggested this she was berated again by the girls for how stupid of an idea that was.
Strike 3. She was done.
Goldie got upset that she wasn't helping them look. "They are lost forever." She stated coldly. Later they of course found it in the exact place they had told them to look. They responded by calling her sensitive...because that's the best way to make a sensitive person feel better, to call attention to their sensitivity.
The entire rest of the trip she became cold and unresponsive, just waiting for it all to be over.
Friday, March 23, 2018
The Search Begins
She was going to have a talk with KSL about a potential roommate situation later. Until she could meet with him, she went into overdrive looking for one-bedrooms.
Goldie and SD kept sending her links to units in their building. They were all more money than she was paying, and when she went to see them...they looked their age. It was a 50 year old building and it was fast becoming apparent that her unit was the most updated. She secretly thanked her lucky stars that she'd found the only hardwood floor-Ikea-ed out kitchen in the entire building with a dishwasher.
She had let in three different potential investors and given them the grand 20 second tour. A couple of them had hinted that they might buy the place and let her stay, but she needed to be prepared and couldn't rely on empty promises.
Mel was trying to get her to move into a piece of shit place by herself, tried to convince her that she didn't need things that she found to be essential. Maybe he was just too young to realize that when you get to be a certain age, you don't have to compromise anymore...at least not about the things that really matter to you. Mel managed to pressure her with all this while at the same time almost completely disappearing from her life. Being as they shared the acts of service and quality time love languages, she took this as a complete abandonment and let her heart drift out to sea.
Dishwashers mattered to her. A washer and dryer in unit would be nice, but she could potentially live without it. It had to be under a certain amount of money or she wouldn't be able to eat. She didn't want to live out in the sticks and have a million hour commute. She could save a bunch of money if she had a roommate.
Her mind screamed no, that it was quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas that she become roommates with KSL. They would kill each other. It would be volatile, an emotional minefield of awful.
She started writing down concerns, questions about the apartment. Her mind kept going and she started a new page. She re-wrote. Then she heard a few voices in her head of people who had told her she was negative, a defeatist. She started a new page of positives about having a roommate, having her as a roommate. She figured that he would know what his good qualities of being a roommate would be.
She was ready to have the talk. There were a few things on her list that she knew if he didn't agree to, that it couldn't work. She at least felt more calm now that all her options had been laid out in front of her.
The crying had finally subsided.
Goldie and SD kept sending her links to units in their building. They were all more money than she was paying, and when she went to see them...they looked their age. It was a 50 year old building and it was fast becoming apparent that her unit was the most updated. She secretly thanked her lucky stars that she'd found the only hardwood floor-Ikea-ed out kitchen in the entire building with a dishwasher.
She had let in three different potential investors and given them the grand 20 second tour. A couple of them had hinted that they might buy the place and let her stay, but she needed to be prepared and couldn't rely on empty promises.
Mel was trying to get her to move into a piece of shit place by herself, tried to convince her that she didn't need things that she found to be essential. Maybe he was just too young to realize that when you get to be a certain age, you don't have to compromise anymore...at least not about the things that really matter to you. Mel managed to pressure her with all this while at the same time almost completely disappearing from her life. Being as they shared the acts of service and quality time love languages, she took this as a complete abandonment and let her heart drift out to sea.
Dishwashers mattered to her. A washer and dryer in unit would be nice, but she could potentially live without it. It had to be under a certain amount of money or she wouldn't be able to eat. She didn't want to live out in the sticks and have a million hour commute. She could save a bunch of money if she had a roommate.
Her mind screamed no, that it was quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas that she become roommates with KSL. They would kill each other. It would be volatile, an emotional minefield of awful.
She started writing down concerns, questions about the apartment. Her mind kept going and she started a new page. She re-wrote. Then she heard a few voices in her head of people who had told her she was negative, a defeatist. She started a new page of positives about having a roommate, having her as a roommate. She figured that he would know what his good qualities of being a roommate would be.
She was ready to have the talk. There were a few things on her list that she knew if he didn't agree to, that it couldn't work. She at least felt more calm now that all her options had been laid out in front of her.
The crying had finally subsided.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Genenna
Genenna- a place or state of misery; hell.
She was avoiding messaging her landlady. She knew her lease was up at the end of April, and the front desk guard had told her the owners had just been slapped with a huge fee for something silly.
She figured maybe if she waited...she didn't know. She signed up for a new app that sent her updates of free apartments.
One day she received the text. Her landlady was going to sell the apartment. She asked for at least 2 months notice of her having to move out, she acquiesced.
Her mind went into overdrive. She researched apartments, signed up for alerts...and that night she went out to dinner with Mel. She apologized for fixating, and he said it was fine. She mentioned that one possibility, that she didn't want to really think about right now, was that KSL needed a roommate in June. Mel recalled his days being a roommate with KSL, and advised strongly against it. She said that with KSL she would at least know what she was getting into, she knew him.
Mel said that he would offer to move with her, but "that's a little too relationship stuff."
Internally she rolled her eyes. God forbid she was awesome enough to want to have "relationship stuff" with. She decided to shake it off, since he was the least of her worries at this moment.
Then, days later...she got her two months notice. She needed to be out by May 15th, and there were three realtors coming by that weekend to look at the apartment. The tearful phone call came right in the middle of the wrap party for the movie. She tried to pull it together, but the text messages from the investors came rolling in right after. She just tried to keep it together as well as possible. She spoke briefly with KSL over the phone about having a talk about being roommates. He was going through his own thing and she deliberately tried to keep the emotion out of her voice as she spoke to him.
Mel showed up soon afterward, but he was spooked because an old girlfriend who had once slashed his tires was there. He said he didn't feel comfortable with her there, and left soon afterward despite the fact that she said she wasn't feeling well and needed a ride home. He texted with her a little later vaguely threatening that if she moved in with KSL that he wouldn't see her anymore.
Good Riddance.
She got back to the apartment and realized that she was going to be up for hours trying to clean the apartment for the first realtor the next morning.
She got as far as her front hallway and started sobbing. She was not ready to say goodbye to this space. She was set free here. She realized that sex was enjoyable in this space, fell in love, and had so many drunk late nights with friends. She was not going to see Goldie and SD as often.
What if she had to go back? What if she ended up having no choice and moving back in with her mom, and her ex who still lived there? She was suddenly back there, that moment before she moved into her studio and was so desperate to have a different life, to be set free.
She felt as if she was going to lose her freedom again. It felt terrible.
"This place saved me. This apartment, you, saved me. I'm not ready to let go" She tearfully sobbed to Goldie.
She would figured it out eventually....but for the next three days she couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop mourning the potential loss. And she did it alone.
She was avoiding messaging her landlady. She knew her lease was up at the end of April, and the front desk guard had told her the owners had just been slapped with a huge fee for something silly.
She figured maybe if she waited...she didn't know. She signed up for a new app that sent her updates of free apartments.
One day she received the text. Her landlady was going to sell the apartment. She asked for at least 2 months notice of her having to move out, she acquiesced.
Her mind went into overdrive. She researched apartments, signed up for alerts...and that night she went out to dinner with Mel. She apologized for fixating, and he said it was fine. She mentioned that one possibility, that she didn't want to really think about right now, was that KSL needed a roommate in June. Mel recalled his days being a roommate with KSL, and advised strongly against it. She said that with KSL she would at least know what she was getting into, she knew him.
Mel said that he would offer to move with her, but "that's a little too relationship stuff."
Internally she rolled her eyes. God forbid she was awesome enough to want to have "relationship stuff" with. She decided to shake it off, since he was the least of her worries at this moment.
Then, days later...she got her two months notice. She needed to be out by May 15th, and there were three realtors coming by that weekend to look at the apartment. The tearful phone call came right in the middle of the wrap party for the movie. She tried to pull it together, but the text messages from the investors came rolling in right after. She just tried to keep it together as well as possible. She spoke briefly with KSL over the phone about having a talk about being roommates. He was going through his own thing and she deliberately tried to keep the emotion out of her voice as she spoke to him.
Mel showed up soon afterward, but he was spooked because an old girlfriend who had once slashed his tires was there. He said he didn't feel comfortable with her there, and left soon afterward despite the fact that she said she wasn't feeling well and needed a ride home. He texted with her a little later vaguely threatening that if she moved in with KSL that he wouldn't see her anymore.
Good Riddance.
She got back to the apartment and realized that she was going to be up for hours trying to clean the apartment for the first realtor the next morning.
She got as far as her front hallway and started sobbing. She was not ready to say goodbye to this space. She was set free here. She realized that sex was enjoyable in this space, fell in love, and had so many drunk late nights with friends. She was not going to see Goldie and SD as often.
What if she had to go back? What if she ended up having no choice and moving back in with her mom, and her ex who still lived there? She was suddenly back there, that moment before she moved into her studio and was so desperate to have a different life, to be set free.
She felt as if she was going to lose her freedom again. It felt terrible.
"This place saved me. This apartment, you, saved me. I'm not ready to let go" She tearfully sobbed to Goldie.
She would figured it out eventually....but for the next three days she couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop mourning the potential loss. And she did it alone.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
You Get Your Rest
She woke up one morning, and the act of putting her feet on the ground felt like a defeat. She was depressed.
It was in this depression that she realized she hadn't actually been depressed in quite a while. She'd just been too busy.
Working on her new play had been difficult. No one was bonding, everyone was alpha-ing except for the director, and it was the stage manager's first time so she had to teach him the ropes without being overbearing. No one in the cast was bonding. She felt like she just went to get a little affection with JJ once in awhile.
Goldie was filming another movie and had actually cast her in it. It was her first time acting since college, and it was stressful to do the art direction and worry about a performance. While in production she rode the high of spending time with new people and being on a movie set. She thought she'd made a couple of friends, but their interest in Banana proved to show they were just looking for something else. She was happy Banana was getting the attention, but she was sad that these people didn't even want to be her friend.
At the end, she was also judging a local beauty pageant when a last minute addition to the shoot came up. She worked through the night, then went to day 1 of the pageant directly afterwards, followed by the last night of her play. In the end she was up for about 41 hours, and it took it's toll. After the next day the pageant was over, and thus all her projects had ended.
And so it all came crashing down. The vagintis she'd been fighting since the beginning of all the crazy suddenly raged. She called the doctor, thought about the friends she had made and lost in such a short time, and how there was nothing else to look forward to.
She wanted to deactivate her dating apps. She tried to be productive but ended up back in her bed after a few hours. The only thing that pulled her out of it for a bit was going to see IL's and Levi's new baby. He was very calming and sweet, and it was amazing, but the next day she was back to being cranky.
It would all pass, but for now she had nothing to look forward to.
It was in this depression that she realized she hadn't actually been depressed in quite a while. She'd just been too busy.
Working on her new play had been difficult. No one was bonding, everyone was alpha-ing except for the director, and it was the stage manager's first time so she had to teach him the ropes without being overbearing. No one in the cast was bonding. She felt like she just went to get a little affection with JJ once in awhile.
Goldie was filming another movie and had actually cast her in it. It was her first time acting since college, and it was stressful to do the art direction and worry about a performance. While in production she rode the high of spending time with new people and being on a movie set. She thought she'd made a couple of friends, but their interest in Banana proved to show they were just looking for something else. She was happy Banana was getting the attention, but she was sad that these people didn't even want to be her friend.
At the end, she was also judging a local beauty pageant when a last minute addition to the shoot came up. She worked through the night, then went to day 1 of the pageant directly afterwards, followed by the last night of her play. In the end she was up for about 41 hours, and it took it's toll. After the next day the pageant was over, and thus all her projects had ended.
And so it all came crashing down. The vagintis she'd been fighting since the beginning of all the crazy suddenly raged. She called the doctor, thought about the friends she had made and lost in such a short time, and how there was nothing else to look forward to.
She wanted to deactivate her dating apps. She tried to be productive but ended up back in her bed after a few hours. The only thing that pulled her out of it for a bit was going to see IL's and Levi's new baby. He was very calming and sweet, and it was amazing, but the next day she was back to being cranky.
It would all pass, but for now she had nothing to look forward to.
Friday, August 4, 2017
Murder on the 16th Floor
As it turned out, the paperwork they had filled out was the wrong one. She forwarded the correct paperwork to him, asked him to fill it out and give it to her mother, as she was seeing her the following Sunday.
Sunday came around and her mother brought all her junk mail, but was missing the divorce paperwork. She claimed to have not known about it at all.
She texted the ex and asked him where it was, as now she was going to have to drive all the way back to her mother's house to get it. He made the limp excuse that he thought she was swinging by anyway and he had left it on the kitchen table. Her mother's hoarder style dining room table. It was going to take her a decade to find it.
She was already running late, so she found the paperwork and left without seeing anyone in the house. Her sister and her boyfriend were out, and her ex wasn't home either.
The next day she went to the court. She ended being up in the wrong office, but they told her to go to the aid office to have them check the paperwork before going over to the correct building.
Smart move, because it turned out that she actually needed a friend to sign a portion saying that she had lived in the state for the appropriate amount of time. She also needed to be at work in the next half hour.
In a panic, she called SD who she knew had the day off. She was out, but said "Just sign my name to it, no bigs."
She wasn't about to forge a legal document that meant so much to her.
She messaged everyone she could think of, and even considered going into work early to see if a co-worker would do it. She walked down the street next to where she and KSL had their first D&M, sat down and tried to control her tears. For a fleeting moment she considered KSL who also had the day off. She shrugged it off almost immediately, as he didn't even have a working car to reach her to sign anything. If she didn't get everything signed then the dates were wrong and she'd have to start all over.
Finally she got a hold of Goldie who was coming back from a treatment and was feeling nauseous. She was a true friend and stopped by her work to fill out the paperwork for her.
Then during her lunch break, she walked back over to the right place, paid $400, and filed the paperwork.
She immediately felt a wave of regret, guilt, and utter sadness. There had been a murder, and she was a criminal.
Sunday came around and her mother brought all her junk mail, but was missing the divorce paperwork. She claimed to have not known about it at all.
She texted the ex and asked him where it was, as now she was going to have to drive all the way back to her mother's house to get it. He made the limp excuse that he thought she was swinging by anyway and he had left it on the kitchen table. Her mother's hoarder style dining room table. It was going to take her a decade to find it.
She was already running late, so she found the paperwork and left without seeing anyone in the house. Her sister and her boyfriend were out, and her ex wasn't home either.
The next day she went to the court. She ended being up in the wrong office, but they told her to go to the aid office to have them check the paperwork before going over to the correct building.
Smart move, because it turned out that she actually needed a friend to sign a portion saying that she had lived in the state for the appropriate amount of time. She also needed to be at work in the next half hour.
In a panic, she called SD who she knew had the day off. She was out, but said "Just sign my name to it, no bigs."
She wasn't about to forge a legal document that meant so much to her.
She messaged everyone she could think of, and even considered going into work early to see if a co-worker would do it. She walked down the street next to where she and KSL had their first D&M, sat down and tried to control her tears. For a fleeting moment she considered KSL who also had the day off. She shrugged it off almost immediately, as he didn't even have a working car to reach her to sign anything. If she didn't get everything signed then the dates were wrong and she'd have to start all over.
Finally she got a hold of Goldie who was coming back from a treatment and was feeling nauseous. She was a true friend and stopped by her work to fill out the paperwork for her.
Then during her lunch break, she walked back over to the right place, paid $400, and filed the paperwork.
She immediately felt a wave of regret, guilt, and utter sadness. There had been a murder, and she was a criminal.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
The Weekend of Broken Promises
At the last minute her boss decided to give everyone the Monday before Independence day off, and well as the 4th. She was more upset than anything else, as she hadn't had time to really plan anything.
She made beach plans with MG that got shut down pretty quickly by SD, stating they had a rehearsal that night and would never get back in time. Goldie overheard and suggested a closer beach, and that they all go. She acquiesced.
A few days later there was a text from Goldie to her and SD. "Why don't we make it a staycation and do a buffet and hang by the pool?"
SD responded in kind. She did not respond at all. She guessed it didn't matter what she thought one way or another...it was the exact opposite of what she wanted to do that weekend.
Later Goldie again texted her about going to a ball game on July 4th. "No thanks, I really can't afford it. Have fun though!"
"I already bought your ticket!"
She scowled. She didn't even ask her if she wanted to go, just bought a ticket. She disliked having plans made for her. Her plans for the weekend had been all well and good until Goldie came along and blew them up. Suddenly all she wanted to be was alone.
Again, she didn't respond. Goldie pushed. She became more angry, and still didn't respond. Eventually she had to respond as Goldie kept hounding her. She was as restrained as possible. Goldie still said some harsh, rude things to her under the guise of friendship. Then she insisted on a trip to wine country that was a few hours away, only to say it would be pretty pricey an hour later.
Dejected, she left her suitcase out on her coffee table, packed only with some underwear and pj's. She was so desperately tired of being jerked around. Her heart hurt.
She made beach plans with MG that got shut down pretty quickly by SD, stating they had a rehearsal that night and would never get back in time. Goldie overheard and suggested a closer beach, and that they all go. She acquiesced.
A few days later there was a text from Goldie to her and SD. "Why don't we make it a staycation and do a buffet and hang by the pool?"
SD responded in kind. She did not respond at all. She guessed it didn't matter what she thought one way or another...it was the exact opposite of what she wanted to do that weekend.
Later Goldie again texted her about going to a ball game on July 4th. "No thanks, I really can't afford it. Have fun though!"
"I already bought your ticket!"
She scowled. She didn't even ask her if she wanted to go, just bought a ticket. She disliked having plans made for her. Her plans for the weekend had been all well and good until Goldie came along and blew them up. Suddenly all she wanted to be was alone.
Again, she didn't respond. Goldie pushed. She became more angry, and still didn't respond. Eventually she had to respond as Goldie kept hounding her. She was as restrained as possible. Goldie still said some harsh, rude things to her under the guise of friendship. Then she insisted on a trip to wine country that was a few hours away, only to say it would be pretty pricey an hour later.
Dejected, she left her suitcase out on her coffee table, packed only with some underwear and pj's. She was so desperately tired of being jerked around. Her heart hurt.
Friday, June 30, 2017
The Real Date
"You haven't talked to Nameless all month? Yeah, he's done. He's ghosted you, it's over." Goldie stated. Of course, Goldie had also said that he was being a gentleman and waiting a few dates before he made a move because he was serious about her. So what was the truth?
A day later she decided she wouldn't take ghosting lying down so she sent him a text message:
"So, are you ghosting me or what? Blink once for yes."
His response, albeit a little later, was reassuring. He wanted to meet up next week for sure, he had just had a lot of stuff come down on him at work and he got overwhelmed. She smiled and felt reassured that he had honestly gotten busy and hadn't forgotten about her.
They had picked a bar at the base of her building, so she bragged to him that she'd be able to do a quick stumble home. He was, of course jealous, and gave her a hard time as soon as they met up.
He said he might make the move to the midtown area down the street from her building. Even though it was silly she thought about how much easier it would be to just meet up at the bar in the middle if he was that close. Even sleepovers randomly made it's way to her head, a silly fleeting thought. He hadn't even made a move...as far as she knew, they were still just being friendly.
Their conversation was, as always, easy to fall into. It was as if they had just had their last conversation, even though they talked that it had been since a few weeks before her tonsillectomy that they had even seen each other.
"I'm busy!" He would constantly state, exasperated. With a job 4 hours away on the weekends and going for his graduate degree as well as working a full time job during the week, she honestly believed that he had just been overwhelmed.
After a couple of drinks he slowly went from facing the bar to turning his body around to her. He propped his leg up on her chair, and she rested her arm on his leg.
She couldn't remember how it was brought up, but she mentioned her date the day before with the naive boy and how he was sweet, but was so not for her.
"You date a lot." Nameless said, completely devoid of jealousy or feeling, just stating a fact.
"Not really. Honestly you are the only one who has gotten past a first date in a really long time. You are the only person I date regularly, which is sad considering how often you are unavailable."
"Yeah it is," he said, amused at first, then thoughtful.
"What about you? Had any eventful dates?" She asked him.
"I don't have time...I've been on a few but..you can see it in their eyes when I tell them how busy I am."
She smiled "I know that look. I get it all the time. Now that I'm not doing theatre anymore I'm a little more available but guys don't really think going out for pho at 11 at night because that's the only time I have to spare is great. They tend to just give up because I'm also so disinterested in them."
He nodded, saying "They are always checked out by the middle of the date. They don't get that what I'm doing is important, and it won't always be like this. In a year I'll be done with my Master's degree and I'll have more time. I'll be more available. But they don't even want to wait for the end of that sentence. You're cool though, you know..."
She interrupted him; "I get it. You are crazy busy. I don't take it personally. I enjoy our time together a lot. Does it suck it isn't more frequent? Sure...but I don't blame you for it. I don't get mad. It is what it is."
"It's so great that you get it." He said. She smiled at him. They fell into a comfortable silence.
"It might be a few weeks before I can meet up again." He said. She smiled and said "I figured."
The energy shifted, and he leaned forward and kissed her right at the bar. He was so gentle and delicate that it took her by surprise. He had talked about his wild rock and roll style past being a musician, so she expected him to feel a little more dangerous.
He pulled away and looked into her eyes. "I could try and make some time next week."
She smiled at him and just simply said "Okay."
He leaned forward and kissed her again.
"Maybe later this week."
Her grin widened and she quipped "Now don't go making promises you can't keep."
"You know I always just keep you out as late as possible so I can spend more time with you. I could never forget about you, I'm just always so busy." He said earnestly.
She smiled at him again and said "I get it."
"It just feels like it's so long in-between when we see each other it's like starting over."
"You don't have to feel like that."
They started talking about Marvel and DC, and she brought up a movie that she hadn't seen yet. He became adamant that she had to see it. He would watch it with her. He was being so adorable about his enthusiasm that she couldn't help herself, and leaned forward and kissed him.
They shut down the bar and spent some time outside talking. They got a few bums asking for their spare change and quickly realized that hanging out in that area wasn't the greatest idea. They kicked around the idea of going to another bar, but he had an early morning. Eventually they parted ways, with him teasing her about getting the "vomit elevator" when she got home, the service elevator with the carpet walls.
She texted him when she got back to her apartment. "Ha, I didn't get the vomit elevator!"
He responded that she'd most likely get it in the morning, then asked her what flavor her lip balm was. She told him she thought that she'd worn peppermint and wild orange that day. He said the orange made sense but he didn't get peppermint. She asked if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"That I can still taste you...good. Not knowing what flavor it was...puzzling."
"Fair. And Cute. In a nerdy scientist kind of way 😋"
A day later she decided she wouldn't take ghosting lying down so she sent him a text message:
"So, are you ghosting me or what? Blink once for yes."
His response, albeit a little later, was reassuring. He wanted to meet up next week for sure, he had just had a lot of stuff come down on him at work and he got overwhelmed. She smiled and felt reassured that he had honestly gotten busy and hadn't forgotten about her.
They had picked a bar at the base of her building, so she bragged to him that she'd be able to do a quick stumble home. He was, of course jealous, and gave her a hard time as soon as they met up.
He said he might make the move to the midtown area down the street from her building. Even though it was silly she thought about how much easier it would be to just meet up at the bar in the middle if he was that close. Even sleepovers randomly made it's way to her head, a silly fleeting thought. He hadn't even made a move...as far as she knew, they were still just being friendly.
Their conversation was, as always, easy to fall into. It was as if they had just had their last conversation, even though they talked that it had been since a few weeks before her tonsillectomy that they had even seen each other.
"I'm busy!" He would constantly state, exasperated. With a job 4 hours away on the weekends and going for his graduate degree as well as working a full time job during the week, she honestly believed that he had just been overwhelmed.
After a couple of drinks he slowly went from facing the bar to turning his body around to her. He propped his leg up on her chair, and she rested her arm on his leg.
She couldn't remember how it was brought up, but she mentioned her date the day before with the naive boy and how he was sweet, but was so not for her.
"You date a lot." Nameless said, completely devoid of jealousy or feeling, just stating a fact.
"Not really. Honestly you are the only one who has gotten past a first date in a really long time. You are the only person I date regularly, which is sad considering how often you are unavailable."
"Yeah it is," he said, amused at first, then thoughtful.
"What about you? Had any eventful dates?" She asked him.
"I don't have time...I've been on a few but..you can see it in their eyes when I tell them how busy I am."
She smiled "I know that look. I get it all the time. Now that I'm not doing theatre anymore I'm a little more available but guys don't really think going out for pho at 11 at night because that's the only time I have to spare is great. They tend to just give up because I'm also so disinterested in them."
He nodded, saying "They are always checked out by the middle of the date. They don't get that what I'm doing is important, and it won't always be like this. In a year I'll be done with my Master's degree and I'll have more time. I'll be more available. But they don't even want to wait for the end of that sentence. You're cool though, you know..."
She interrupted him; "I get it. You are crazy busy. I don't take it personally. I enjoy our time together a lot. Does it suck it isn't more frequent? Sure...but I don't blame you for it. I don't get mad. It is what it is."
"It's so great that you get it." He said. She smiled at him. They fell into a comfortable silence.
"It might be a few weeks before I can meet up again." He said. She smiled and said "I figured."
The energy shifted, and he leaned forward and kissed her right at the bar. He was so gentle and delicate that it took her by surprise. He had talked about his wild rock and roll style past being a musician, so she expected him to feel a little more dangerous.
He pulled away and looked into her eyes. "I could try and make some time next week."
She smiled at him and just simply said "Okay."
He leaned forward and kissed her again.
"Maybe later this week."
Her grin widened and she quipped "Now don't go making promises you can't keep."
"You know I always just keep you out as late as possible so I can spend more time with you. I could never forget about you, I'm just always so busy." He said earnestly.
She smiled at him again and said "I get it."
"It just feels like it's so long in-between when we see each other it's like starting over."
"You don't have to feel like that."
They started talking about Marvel and DC, and she brought up a movie that she hadn't seen yet. He became adamant that she had to see it. He would watch it with her. He was being so adorable about his enthusiasm that she couldn't help herself, and leaned forward and kissed him.
They shut down the bar and spent some time outside talking. They got a few bums asking for their spare change and quickly realized that hanging out in that area wasn't the greatest idea. They kicked around the idea of going to another bar, but he had an early morning. Eventually they parted ways, with him teasing her about getting the "vomit elevator" when she got home, the service elevator with the carpet walls.
She texted him when she got back to her apartment. "Ha, I didn't get the vomit elevator!"
He responded that she'd most likely get it in the morning, then asked her what flavor her lip balm was. She told him she thought that she'd worn peppermint and wild orange that day. He said the orange made sense but he didn't get peppermint. She asked if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"That I can still taste you...good. Not knowing what flavor it was...puzzling."
"Fair. And Cute. In a nerdy scientist kind of way 😋"
Monday, June 19, 2017
Confession
"Holy fucking shit Penny, what were you thinking telling IL about KSL? She's very much about being free and open and honest, and the holy spirit will move her in a couple of weeks and she'll go straight to your ex and tell him that you were together."
Goldie had been out of town during the last week of the show and she was catching her up. She almost wish she didn't because she immediately felt nauseated. Everyone would know. It would destroy her ex, almost completely.
She flashed forward in her mind to seeing him so completely devastated, and knowing she was the cause of it. If he ever found out, she would quite literally feel bad enough to end her life. She could not live in a world where she had hurt him that badly.
She'd deserve it. She'd deserve everyone hating her and she considered how she would be able to hide from everyone and live, again, without friends.
She felt everything crashing down around her. She had left Goldie hours before, but she texted her as if they were just continuing the conversation.
"Should I just tell the ex? The only thing worse than him finding out would be him finding out from someone other than me." She was still concerned that the whole Improv troupe knew but she didn't dare ask.
"Assume good. Leave it be and release your worries. IL won't say anything. If he learns it from someone else then just be open with him. Proactively telling him now would only be for your sake, not his. Protect him. Anything else would be selfish and cruel. Blunt enough answer?"
It was the truth, and exactly what she needed to hear.
Goldie had been out of town during the last week of the show and she was catching her up. She almost wish she didn't because she immediately felt nauseated. Everyone would know. It would destroy her ex, almost completely.
She flashed forward in her mind to seeing him so completely devastated, and knowing she was the cause of it. If he ever found out, she would quite literally feel bad enough to end her life. She could not live in a world where she had hurt him that badly.
She'd deserve it. She'd deserve everyone hating her and she considered how she would be able to hide from everyone and live, again, without friends.
She felt everything crashing down around her. She had left Goldie hours before, but she texted her as if they were just continuing the conversation.
"Should I just tell the ex? The only thing worse than him finding out would be him finding out from someone other than me." She was still concerned that the whole Improv troupe knew but she didn't dare ask.
"Assume good. Leave it be and release your worries. IL won't say anything. If he learns it from someone else then just be open with him. Proactively telling him now would only be for your sake, not his. Protect him. Anything else would be selfish and cruel. Blunt enough answer?"
It was the truth, and exactly what she needed to hear.
Monday, June 5, 2017
End of an Era
She was more upset than she had any right to be about the last Improv show. She had been with them for so long, and they were her first friends after moving back. She didn't know where she would be without the constant steadfastness of SD, the yoga and inspiration of TM, the endless wisdom of Goldie, and of course the BFF who had introduced them all to her. Even MG, although as of late they hadn't been getting along and things were becoming incredibly strained.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Welcome to Your Tape-Side A
Her heart never really recovered from KSL sort of telling her she was hard to be around. Who knows what he actually meant by it, but the "evidence" of it started to pop up in her life.
MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods. All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough. She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.
God forbid she be a little quiet. It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute. God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.
She felt the depression deepen. She pulled away from her friends, dove into work. There was tons of work to dive into. When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail. They left her alone.
An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should. It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore. The numbness began. The not caring. She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.
She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why. All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.
"I can't talk about it for 24 hours. It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons. She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.
She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide. As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone. Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you. It'll be easier.
Because it's hard to be your friend.
MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods. All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough. She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.
God forbid she be a little quiet. It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute. God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.
She felt the depression deepen. She pulled away from her friends, dove into work. There was tons of work to dive into. When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail. They left her alone.
An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should. It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore. The numbness began. The not caring. She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.
She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why. All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.
"I can't talk about it for 24 hours. It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons. She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.
She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide. As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone. Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you. It'll be easier.
Because it's hard to be your friend.
Monday, April 24, 2017
A Hard Day's Night
Goldie picked her up after work and they went over to the hotel to set up the booth for the event on the weekend. Goldie had employed several volunteers to help them load stuff in; a couple that had been together for 14 years, and a young filmmaker she'd met in passing at a festival. She barely remembered him, but when Goldie asked if they had met he said yes a little too quickly.
The load in was brutal and tiring, but amongst the talk the filmmaker said that he would take the spare TV she had in her apartment. He had plans later that night however, so when they were saying goodbye outside of the car she told him to friend request her on Facebook and they'd make plans later for him to take it.
As soon as she got back in the car Goldie said "He's totally into you, but he's really young."
"Obviously, way too young to fuck with for sure. That's flattering though!"
It was the only confidence boost she'd had in awhile. She decided to take it.
The load in was brutal and tiring, but amongst the talk the filmmaker said that he would take the spare TV she had in her apartment. He had plans later that night however, so when they were saying goodbye outside of the car she told him to friend request her on Facebook and they'd make plans later for him to take it.
As soon as she got back in the car Goldie said "He's totally into you, but he's really young."
"Obviously, way too young to fuck with for sure. That's flattering though!"
It was the only confidence boost she'd had in awhile. She decided to take it.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Another Night, Another Dream
"The non-dates are weird. But I'm sort of okay with it." She explained to Goldie.
"Respectable guys that are looking for a relationship will wait until the 4th date. He'll kiss you on the next date. You just have to go in for that hug where you stay in the hug but pull your face back to look at him. He'll go for it." She had no idea where Goldie picked these things up. She was about to remind her that the Disney Friends With Benefits thing didn't exist, then she remembered her first kiss on the cheek from KSL that she over thought about. That was pretty much exactly how that kiss had gone down, so maybe she was onto something.
"And how is everything with KSL going?" Goldie asked. "It's great," she explained. "We are just being friends ever since New Years, and it's been great. He's there for me, he's a great friend. We are doing really well."
As if his ears were burning, his text tone came through her phone. They had made plans for hanging out later that night and he was on his way over. She said goodbye to Goldie and headed downstairs to her studio.
They spent the evening watching videos on YouTube on his phone, talking and joking like old times. She again asked him if it really was okay if he took care of her during her surgery. He again said it wasn't a problem, he was happy to do it.
She told him about the fight she and MG had about her and KSL's friendship. "She really wants to think that you are being mean and abusive, and I keep telling her that you and are good, we are in a really good place."
"We are," KSL said. "I've been trying really hard to keep it good like this."
Her heart twisted slightly. "You've been...trying? It's been hard?"
He was silent, realizing his mistake. "I...those were the wrong words."
"Uh-huh."
Her head swam. Was he "trying" to keep it platonic when he actually wanted to just ditch the friendship and had sex with her? Was he trying to keep it friendly instead of romantic? What was hard about it?
His ego never really recovered from it, and soon after he stood up to leave. She stood up with him to walk him out, saying "can't make it harder for you than it already is right?" He shook his head and pulled her in for a long hug. It was warm, nice. "Okay?" He said after he pulled away.
"What, you think a long hug will make me forget everything?" She smirked. He reached out and booped her nose, and she grabbed him and they wrestled for a short time before he threw her on the bed and made a break for the front door. She chased after him and smacked him on the ass, stopping him cold. He turned around and stated the obvious. She smirked and then booped him on the nose.
He faked being offended as long as he could before a smile broke out on his face. She let her face fall a little and asked him softly "Is it hard to be my friend?"
He frowned and said "No, not at all." and pulled her in for another hug. He pulled away just enough to swoop down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey now..." she said to him. He pulled out of the hug and walked to the elevator, promising to say when he was home safe.
"Home" came the simple text reply. She said "Thank you. Tonight was good, we should do it again soon. Want to split those vitamins I'm going to pick up Saturday?"
"I'd be down."
She sent him a thumbs up, assuming the end of the conversation. Three minutes later he texted again.
"Night"
"Goodnight" she responded.
"Respectable guys that are looking for a relationship will wait until the 4th date. He'll kiss you on the next date. You just have to go in for that hug where you stay in the hug but pull your face back to look at him. He'll go for it." She had no idea where Goldie picked these things up. She was about to remind her that the Disney Friends With Benefits thing didn't exist, then she remembered her first kiss on the cheek from KSL that she over thought about. That was pretty much exactly how that kiss had gone down, so maybe she was onto something.
"And how is everything with KSL going?" Goldie asked. "It's great," she explained. "We are just being friends ever since New Years, and it's been great. He's there for me, he's a great friend. We are doing really well."
As if his ears were burning, his text tone came through her phone. They had made plans for hanging out later that night and he was on his way over. She said goodbye to Goldie and headed downstairs to her studio.
They spent the evening watching videos on YouTube on his phone, talking and joking like old times. She again asked him if it really was okay if he took care of her during her surgery. He again said it wasn't a problem, he was happy to do it.
She told him about the fight she and MG had about her and KSL's friendship. "She really wants to think that you are being mean and abusive, and I keep telling her that you and are good, we are in a really good place."
"We are," KSL said. "I've been trying really hard to keep it good like this."
Her heart twisted slightly. "You've been...trying? It's been hard?"
He was silent, realizing his mistake. "I...those were the wrong words."
"Uh-huh."
Her head swam. Was he "trying" to keep it platonic when he actually wanted to just ditch the friendship and had sex with her? Was he trying to keep it friendly instead of romantic? What was hard about it?
His ego never really recovered from it, and soon after he stood up to leave. She stood up with him to walk him out, saying "can't make it harder for you than it already is right?" He shook his head and pulled her in for a long hug. It was warm, nice. "Okay?" He said after he pulled away.
"What, you think a long hug will make me forget everything?" She smirked. He reached out and booped her nose, and she grabbed him and they wrestled for a short time before he threw her on the bed and made a break for the front door. She chased after him and smacked him on the ass, stopping him cold. He turned around and stated the obvious. She smirked and then booped him on the nose.
He faked being offended as long as he could before a smile broke out on his face. She let her face fall a little and asked him softly "Is it hard to be my friend?"
He frowned and said "No, not at all." and pulled her in for another hug. He pulled away just enough to swoop down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey now..." she said to him. He pulled out of the hug and walked to the elevator, promising to say when he was home safe.
"Home" came the simple text reply. She said "Thank you. Tonight was good, we should do it again soon. Want to split those vitamins I'm going to pick up Saturday?"
"I'd be down."
She sent him a thumbs up, assuming the end of the conversation. Three minutes later he texted again.
"Night"
"Goodnight" she responded.
Thursday, January 26, 2017
When it Rains, it Floods
The river was rising fast. Rocks she could see that morning were now being covered by the ever increasing current. She was afraid to go and afraid to stay in her building...so she took the coward's way out and stayed. Up on the higher floors she might be trapped, but nothing would be damaged.
The city was in chaos, everyone coming down to the river to watch it rush by, throwing pictures up on social media at alarming rates. KSL had a rehearsal down by the river, and did some live video right at the base of her apartment...but he never texted her or offered to let her stay with him. In fact, only PJ had made an offer for her to stay. Not even BFF had offered her spare room.
She was feeling despondent. Her job was in serious jeopardy, she could be laid off any day now. She had her tonsillectomy scheduled for February, and she just hoped that her health insurance would hold out until then. She was applying everywhere and getting nothing back.
She remembered a saying about how there are only three things in life that make up happiness: Career, Love, and Health...and you could never have all three at the same time. One was always missing.
This time, she felt all three were missing.
She had gone on three dates, and all had deleted their profiles after dating her. What was wrong with them? What was wrong with her?
Right before she had gotten serious with Piz, she went on a single date with a guy she hit it off with right away. She had taken to calling him The Pilot, since he owned his own planes and worked with drones. They went out for AYCE sushi and hit it off right away, as friends. He had sort of fallen off the face of the earth until texting her a Happy New Year, and the conversation had continued from there.
She asked him if their date had been bad, or if there was something that she was doing wrong. He told her no, that he had a great time and she was one of the most normal, yet not boring people he's ever been out with. And he had gone on a lot of bad dates.
It made her feel a little better, as she stood on the balcony and watched them clear the debris from under the bridge as the flood raged on. Goldie did a live stream and she and Super Director provided some commentary.
In the end, nothing close to them got to the point of flooding, and all was okay. She still went to bed wishing something would go right for her.
The city was in chaos, everyone coming down to the river to watch it rush by, throwing pictures up on social media at alarming rates. KSL had a rehearsal down by the river, and did some live video right at the base of her apartment...but he never texted her or offered to let her stay with him. In fact, only PJ had made an offer for her to stay. Not even BFF had offered her spare room.
She was feeling despondent. Her job was in serious jeopardy, she could be laid off any day now. She had her tonsillectomy scheduled for February, and she just hoped that her health insurance would hold out until then. She was applying everywhere and getting nothing back.
She remembered a saying about how there are only three things in life that make up happiness: Career, Love, and Health...and you could never have all three at the same time. One was always missing.
This time, she felt all three were missing.
She had gone on three dates, and all had deleted their profiles after dating her. What was wrong with them? What was wrong with her?
Right before she had gotten serious with Piz, she went on a single date with a guy she hit it off with right away. She had taken to calling him The Pilot, since he owned his own planes and worked with drones. They went out for AYCE sushi and hit it off right away, as friends. He had sort of fallen off the face of the earth until texting her a Happy New Year, and the conversation had continued from there.
She asked him if their date had been bad, or if there was something that she was doing wrong. He told her no, that he had a great time and she was one of the most normal, yet not boring people he's ever been out with. And he had gone on a lot of bad dates.
It made her feel a little better, as she stood on the balcony and watched them clear the debris from under the bridge as the flood raged on. Goldie did a live stream and she and Super Director provided some commentary.
In the end, nothing close to them got to the point of flooding, and all was okay. She still went to bed wishing something would go right for her.
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