The New(est) Place

 "Everything is so set up, it looks great!" most her friends echoed.  

She thought back to a year ago where she'd promised herself that her next move would be her last.  This was her second move since then, and the feeling a failure weighed heavy upon her.

She tried to rally herself.  These moves had not been her fault, even back to the studio.  It had been sold, and had nothing to do from here.  She had to get out from KSL before they killed each other.  Then the market had not crashed or done anything except go up.

Looking around her new apartment, she had put everything up fairly quickly.  She just wanted to desperately to feel like she had a home.  Her mother was getting worse by the day and soon wouldn't remember her.  She felt like an orphan.

Her new apartment looked wonderful.  But it was too much space for one person, and there would only ever be one person here.

This is Going to Make a Great Blog Post For You

"So I'm surprised that you didn't invite her to stay" She said to KSL as he walked in from walking his ex out to the car.

She was honestly surprised that he didn't go harder for another round with her.  Lord knows he wanted to keep their "competition" up with whoever had sex last with him winning.

Instead he walked over to where she was standing, dropped to his knees, and wailed "I'm going to be alone forever."

Her eyes widened at the sudden juxtaposition of her standing over him.  In the history of their entire friendship this had never been a position they'd been in.  She wasn't sure that she was focusing on this fact in order to deter her emotions from what seemed to be happening, which was him suddenly falling apart.

She hesitated, then realized that he had no intention of leaving the floor anytime soon, joined him.  He was mostly half-hyperventilating/half dry sobbing, occasionally interjecting with "She doesn't want me," "I haven't been like this in 14 years," and "I've just been trying to hold it together for so long."

Since this wasn't really the best time to go for her phone and do a quick search for "what to do when someone is clearly having a mental breakdown" she just let him get it out and stood by him.  When she was high and upset, she knew it helped to have someone anchoring her to the earth, so she kept rubbing his back, then his arm when he ended up on his back on the floor.

"At least you know now I'm not making this up" he said in-between gulps of air.  This particular phrase stopped her empathy, and she knew she couldn't spiral into this with him.  On some level she now had to wonder if he was just, in a small way, doing this for attention.  Either way, her sympathy wasn't stopping whatever he was going through.

Through everything they had gone through, usually when she raised her voice he responded by calming down, so though she still held onto him she made an effort to steel her voice a bit more to get him to come around.

"This is going to make a great blog post for you," he said.  She pursed her lips, and took a deep breath.  It was amazing that through all his pain, anguish, he was still able to be petty and insulting.  Up until that point she had no intention of posting about it, but that changed her mind.

She decided that she needed a occurring line as well.  "Stop."

It didn't work.  She couldn't talk him down.  He told her to leave, and when she stood he begged for her to stay.  She resumed always keeping a hand on him but mostly letting him be.

She managed to keep his hysterics to a simmer, but only after he gave himself a bruise banging on their kitchen counter and putting a small hole through the wall.  After an hour she felt like she was failing terribly.  Every time it seemed like he was winding down it would ramp up again and she would have to yell at him.

She was worried that some neighbor was going to call the cops, but then she remembered all of the neighbors that they shared walls with and how garbage they all were and she stopped worrying.  They could have one night of keeping them up instead of the other way around.

Eventually his breath started to regulate, and she got him to a standing position.  He then transitioned into saying he was sorry over and over again.  She went back to telling him to stop, and he continued apologizing.  This was the hardest part to take, and her wall came down a little and she teared up a bit.  "You're okay.  You're gonna be okay." She repeated.

Her hand had moved up to caressing his face, which seemed to be calming him.  He laid his head on her shoulder, and she rubbed his back.  He seemed to be coming around to being in his right mind again, so as a friendly "you got through it" gesture, she kissed his temple.  It wasn't unusual at this point in their friendship to be okay with the occasional forehead/top of the head kiss.  Then he kissed her neck, and her heartbeat quickened with panic.

She pulled away and asked if he was okay to go to bed.  He said he was.  She asked if he needed her there for awhile, and he gave her a look that made her backtrack immediately, saying she was just worried he was going to put a hole through the wall if he was left by himself for awhile, or do something harmful to himself.  He said he would never go that far.  She decided that joking about him needing an audience to do anything wasn't well timed, and she watched him go off to bed.

She had a dull ache in her chest for days afterwards, as if she was unsure where to set down all that she had taken in.

Getting Up From the Table

"That sounds like a toxic living situation for the both of you." IL said.  "Mama, you ain't kidding" She replied.

After 24 hours she had finally calmed down and started to think rationally.  KSL didn't set out to have a tryst deliberately to spite her when she was grieving.  But she did obviously feel slighted, and she needed to explore that.

She had been pushed to yet another brink.  Why?  What was missing that was causing her to be so emotional about this?

She took stock of how she felt.  She was stretched thin, she felt it.  After some thought she realized it was because she gave too much of herself without any sign that it made any difference.

She didn't get enough sleep because she stayed up watching movies with KSL, and then had to get up an hour earlier to drop him off from work.  He wasn't making enough money so she was not requiring him to do the things he'd normally do, like pay for every other tank of gas.  Her car was showing the wear and tear of 9 months of driving across town multiple times a day.  She knew soon it would get expensive and time consuming and she didn't have enough money to get a down payment or have a car payment again.

She was stressed.  She was putting herself, her health, at risk for things that he was just taking for granted, and wouldn't even miss if they were gone.

So then why was she doing it?  She swore she'd never again keep setting herself on fire just to keep someone warm.  It was bullshit.

"I'm sorry that I came at you the way that I did," she started.  "I realized that the reason I reacted was somethings that I needed to change, so I'm going to tell you about them."

"I've set an alarm on my phone for 10:15.  When it goes off we need to wrap up whatever we are doing and I need alone time."

Later she had told him she could no longer drive him to work after the second week in March.  The new office that he could walk to should have been ready at the beginning of March, so 2 weeks longer seemed more than fair.  She knew she'd become angry and resentful after that point in time.

She could only change her, and her reaction to things.  It was time to take control of that.

Explode/Implode

Her ex had called, which he never did.  She answered because his father had just died, and she thought he could really use a friend.  As it turned out, their shared cat had died while he was away taking care of his dad.  It had broken him, and he cried to her over the phone.  She asked if he wanted her to come over, but he had to go to bed soon as he needed to work early.

KSL asked her what she needed directly after the phone call.  She was both numb and feeling everything at once, and she answered honestly that there was nothing he could do right now.  There was nothing anyone could do...she'd just lost her last father figure.

People started showing up for KSL's movie night, and the more people arrived the more her anxiety level rose.  KSL was busy cooking and entertaining, and she tried to hang out in the common area, but knew she wouldn't be able to hold it together much longer.  It would not be fair to commander KSL's night, so she decided leaving was best.  She decided it so fast that she found herself on the other side of her front door with nowhere to go. 

After a few panicked texts, she ended up safe at Goldie's house.  She managed to get her emotions under control, and then she got a text from KSL that said that everyone was about to clear out, and it was "safe" for her to return home and not be overwhelmed with people. 

An hour later she returned to a not-so empty home.  KSL was in his room, but his ex's shoes and purse were still by the door, and her phone lay face-up on the coffee table.  They were talking, loudly, and laughing occasionally.  As she got some water from the kitchen, it quickly became apparent that they were starting to have sex.

It stung.  She felt disrespected.  He'd promised her a safe place to come home too, and delivered the exact opposite.  The juxtaposition of her grief and having to listen to the extremely loud sex grated on her psyche in a way that she hadn't felt in a long time.  It felt personal.  It felt like an attack on her.  He had led her to this situation, and soon enough she saw nothing but red.

The escapades lasted for 4+ hours.  She got more angry the longer it went on.  He knew she had plans early the next morning, and it felt like he was deliberately doing this to her.

She finally got 2 hours of sleep, woke up, and sent him a very long text.  "As a friend, especially after how much of my emotional state I've shared with you as of late, it was extra hurtful to have to listen to you having sex with her while experiencing grief.  It showed me that you are more willing to follow what makes your dick hard instead of being a respectful friend.  But hey, you finally did it.  You've finally convinced me, after 8 months of insisting, that you are garbage."

She told him she needed a full 24 hours before speaking on the matter, and preferred not to see him in that time frame.  She had a lot of calming down to do.

The Six Month Lean In

She'd become worn down.  She could always pretend for a certain amount of time before she broke, but she had no longer had her own space to break down.  Living with someone, but especially KSL, caused only the tip of her iceberg to be above water.

Her mental health decided to weaken at the exact moment that she had her busiest day of her vacation.  She'd put off socializing until it all happened at once, and two social gatherings turned into four.

On the fourth however, she ended up in a conversation with an acquaintance that she enjoyed talking to.  He was a stand up comedian and they could go back and forth with great quips.  She missed having a witty tete-a-tete.

She mentioned this to KSL when she was finally home.  Naturally, his low self esteem caused him to apologize even though she never meant it as a dig to him.  But since he seemed to want to go through some self-loathing...

"It's not your fault, you just aren't the D&M type.  You just...don't have conversations.  You don't even want to really talk about the movies you make me watch.  You got cranky when I said Blade Runner didn't have as much running as I anticipated."

As if she had challenged him instead of stating a simple fact, so they launched into a retrospective of what she liked and disliked about the first half of their lease. 

"You are just so squirrely about everything between us." she repeated multiple times.  "I bought a special robe to get to my bathroom because you were being squirrely about nudity, which is silly considering our history." She dug a little deeper and let a little too much go, the tide recede slightly on her iceberg due to her being worn down by disappointment the entire month.

He stepped out of character as well, and told her a story of him happening upon a fellow actor years ago when she was changing.  He had been "squirrely" and she had said to him "These's just tits, honey"

"Remind me of this conversation in the future" he said, "So that I can try my best to be better."

The next morning he came out of his room, haggard.  "You okay?" She asked.

He spoke, and just based on his body language she knew he had taken the D&M too much to heart and was worried by it.  As if to confirm, he said "Hey, new rule; we don't start a D&M so late at night."

"That's fair" She answered.

For the next few days he was on his best behavior.

Slowing Down

Since her big work month was finally out of the way, she had some time to breathe.  Of course, once she started to take a deep breath a social obligation popped out of nowhere; dinner and drinks with an acquaintance, dinner with another friend, a autumn day trip.  The 3 day weekend she was looking so forward to got obliterated by having to see people or do things on all three days.

She was struggling with being in the moment, slowing everything down. She thought by giving up theatre she'd have more free time, but it seems she was still being pulled in every direction.  Maybe things would feel a little easier once KSL's show was over and he was able to get a car.  Then KSL made an offhand comment that he wasn't even going to start looking until after he got his tax return back...which would be at least 5 months away.  He needed to get a car much, much sooner than that.

She hadn't had a day all to herself in a really long time, and maybe she just needed to get that one day back that she needed to go on with the remaining six.

Go Ask Alice?

"Okay, so the bathroom is down the hall.  There's a spare bedroom if you need it, don't feel like you will need to go home tonight, you are welcome for as long as you want to stay.  Always, not just tonight."

She smiled at PJ.  He had been wanting this evening since the moment that they met and he found out that she'd never gotten high.  She thought back to that night where she'd gotten a contact high from him and told him to calm down about the $20 they were charging him at the drive through.  He thought she was going to love it, maybe almost too much.  Like he did.

He was making a pizza, had 4 different kinds of snacks, and for dessert he had bought them all ice cream sandwiches, and regular ice cream.  If she got the munchies...well she was more than covered.

He showed her how to work the couch recliner, and they had an edible and he "puffed" a little as well in the garage.  They went back in the house and talked about life, what had been going on, the experiences she'd had being a roommate now.  It seemed like everything she said or did got blown up on an epic scale and turned against her, twisted into a totally different meaning until she ended up apologizing for something that had made her upset in the first place.  It was like extreme gaslighting, and she was getting tired of it.

An hour passed and she stated she didn't really feel any different.  PJ had advised her to just shout out what she was feeling as it happened and enjoy the experience.

"Well," she said, "Everyone has their stories about how they did too much the first time, lets just try another one."

PJ again offered up their spare bedroom in case she felt like she couldn't move later, and another trip to the garage and they were back in the house.  10 minutes after that she said she felt heavy, like a whoosh of base suddenly happened in an empty movie theater. 

"It's like that moment where you just realized you had one drink too many, and you should stop."  She vaguely remembered going out to the garage a second time, but refusing to have any more.

She pulled out the couch recliner and laid in it, and PJ turned on some comedian sketch show on Netflix and they watched a few episodes.  She got really tired and faded in and out, napping through most of the show.  AB left the room after one creeped her out, but returned soon after.  AB and PJ went to the garage to puff more, and it felt like they were gone forever.  She became uncomfortable and stood up, and felt like she was just tired.  It was time to go home.

Once they came back inside she said her goodbyes, saying she was just tired but thank you for hosting her.  PJ made her come out to the garage one last time and wrapped up 3 edibles to take home with her to try on her own.

She got into her car and decided to not take the freeway home, figuring it would be easier in her tired state.

Each light took forever to change, and she got more and more anxious to be in her own space, in her own room.  She was going the speed limit, but it felt so incredibly slow.  She started to forget where she was in her journey in-between stoplights.  Soon, she was lost in-between them, in the dark.  The dark stretched on forever and she became overwhelmed with all the streetlights out and only seeing into the dark.  She was never going to make it home, and started to panic, tears streaming down her face.  She cried in-between three stop lights, but finally made it home.

She'd left her water bottle at AB and PJ's house by accident, so she was incredibly thirsty.  KSL had dishes in both sides of the sink so she couldn't get to the filter to get water.  She painstakingly emptied the dishwasher, being careful so she didn't break a dish in her state, and finally got her glass filled.  KSL commented that it took her a full 45 minutes to unload that dishwasher, and she shot him a dirty look and replied that she wouldn't have had to if SOMEONE hadn't had the sink full.  She then proceeded to sit in a chair across the room, and KSL said "You don't have to sit over there.  You can come sit on the couch."

She couldn't do it.  She couldn't handle the mind games while high, she couldn't take the guilt of where she even sat in her own apartment.  "Look," KSL said kindly, "I know you are high for the first time and I just want you to be comfortable, sit wherever you want."

She stood up, and without breaking eye contact walked past him into her room and shut the door.

This Never Happened...Again

"I'm sorry, um, about all that.  Won't happen again." KSL said before he went off to bed.  He had finally sobered up and all had seemed well.  She was pretty content to never speak of it again.

The next day he tweeted about hangovers in his 30's, which she took as a "I'm going to pretend like it didn't happen." Which confirmed they were not going to have a talk about it.  She breathed a sigh of relief and went on with the rest of her day.

It was a false relief.  When they met up at home after work, he apologized again.  She avoided his eyes and said "I didn't think we were going to talk about that."

But they did start a discussion.  About loneliness, regret, and the whys behind it all.  Even though she didn't want to talk about it, the conversation was a little healing on both sides.

"So again, I'm sorry, and it won't happen again." He repeated.  "You handled that pretty well."

"Okay" she said in a cynical tone.

"You kinda sound like I don't mean it, like you believe it's going to happen again." KSL was quick to respond.

"Listen, every time we've said this to each other, that's it's never going to happen again, something happens.  I'm tired of lying about it..to myself and to you."

He again stated that she had "handled it well" and she felt an inner conflict and couldn't help but overthink the statement.  How else could she possibly have handled it?  Gone along with it?  Slept with him?  Let it get out of hand and risk that box of feelings she had getting out, only to get wildly slapped down the next day, hell the next few minutes after he sobered up and realized what he had done?  No, her heart didn't have any other choice than to do what she did.

He didn't dispute her logic too much in her disbelief that it would happen again.  She tried to explain that she felt like she continued to just make it worse with him, and didn't know what to do to make him feel better where it didn't get into inappropriate territory.

Physical touch was a slippery slope.  Apparently anything more than a hug was just a fast track to sex.    Which, frankly, disappointed her.  There were so many things that they could do to help each other night be lonely...but it was going to be impossible to do so.  She needed to learn how to un-care.

The Sinus Infection

Seething hatred for herself.  So weak.  She continued to beat herself up as she felt herself slip further and further into fatigue and self-doubt.

A headache had started days ago, and it ebbed and flowed through her cranium.  Just when she thought it was gone, it would return full force.  Everyone was too loud, everything too bright.  KSL sent her on an errand and she had to keep her sunglasses on in the store, it was too bright.  She was too fatigued and messed it all up.  KSL pretended like he wasn't upset about it, but clearly he was.

One of the actors said that his wife has lupus, so he understood that sometimes...really all the time, was constant pain.  Most of the time she could hide it, but it looked like she was having a harder time.

Maybe she should find another place.  Then KSL's friend could give away her dog and move in and then he'd be happy, and she could go back to not having to pretend 24/7 that she was okay.  He was clearly embarrassed by her, or still just too worried about what people would think.  His movie night was a scary movie, and she didn't mean to be scooting towards him but she was tired, therefore weak, therefore looking for someone to lean on.

If she'd been his ex, he would have snuggled with her.  If she'd been his friend, any other friend, he would have comforted her.

But she wasn't someone else.  She must be avoided at all costs, even if that meant giving up "his spot" on the couch.  Had she'd not been sick, weak...she wouldn't have bothered sitting by him at all.  Wouldn't had even been there.  She considered just going out and sleeping in her car, but she felt too sick.  She slept through most of the second movie in his spot, and continued to beat herself up through the next day as her headache worsened.

A Sinking Ship

KSL admitted a pattern of needy women in his life.  He had asked her why she had chosen to move in with him, and she had given him a long, well thought out answer.  They talked a lot about their issues as roommates, and how improvements could be made.  Eventually though, it had gotten late and KSL wanted to continue the conversation later.  She knew the chances of that happening were slim.

He had expressed several times that everyone cried on him; his mom, his friends, his past girlfriends.  So even when she was desperately upset after everything went down with Mel, she kept it to herself, or tried to.  KSL had become fairly empathetic himself and could always sense when something was wrong with her.

He was also having a stressful time with not having a car and directing a show along with work.  He put himself under a lot of pressure to succeed, and beat himself down whenever he felt like it wasn't working.

So she didn't cry on his shoulder.  She didn't ask for hugs she desperately needed.  She did without, so that he could catch a break from people leaning on him.  She continued to weather her own storm and hoped that sometime in the future, someone would be able to be there for her.

One of Many Breaking Points

She hadn't been getting much sleep since her neighbor's had been letting their baby "cry it out" for weeks.  She'd made a joke on social media about calling CPS that had backfired spectacularly.  All her new parent friends didn't see it as a joke and got slightly aggressive.

Her mental health still wasn't where it should have been, and she didn't know why.  She didn't ever know what she was doing differently so she could fix it.

One of KSL's friends was at the apartment having a heart to heart with KSL, and she got a little sucked in, trying to help.

The girl was having a hard time with her living situation, and said to KSL "I wish I had gotten to move in with you.  We are so similar, we are the same level of clean and we like all the same things...it would have been perfect."  She sat on the couch and sobbed into KSL's chest.

"I didn't know you were looking for anything..." KSL answered.  Her logical brain knew he was saying this and meant it, but her emotions told her that in that moment he would have jumped ship if he could.  Her irrational heart told her that she was in the way, again, of someone's happiness.  Why had she been selfish enough to room up with someone when she clearly deserved to be alone forever.  Hell, maybe she should take her mom up on her offer to just buy her a house so that she'd be out of everyone's way.

She knew she needed to go somewhere to be cheered up.  She didn't really have close friends any longer, so she found herself at Mel's bar.  His greeting to her was lacking in any real feelings, and her irrational mind took over once more.  What was she even doing with him besides wasting both of their times?  She felt empty when she was with him now.  They had started this to just have fun and be casual...and it was coming up on a year and it was starting to feel terrible for her.

The next morning she texted him to tell him it was over.  She wanted it all to be over.

Solicitation

"In al-anon, which is really control freaks anonymous, there's a rule:  Suggest something one time and you're being helpful, suggest something two times and you're being controlling; suggest something three times and you're being manipulative."  IL texted to her.  It stopped her in her tracks.

She and KSL had been at odds.  They both had a hard time accepting help, but wanted to give it to others.  She had tearfully exclaimed that "I don't know what you want from me!" One night after having words with each other.  They had both not been in a great mental place, and tensions had just been high after he had lost his car.

IL had given her so much perspective on how all she wanted to do was be helpful, but it was turning into a problem.  She was constantly explaining how she was trying her best not to give a fuck.

It was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do.  She felt like she was being torn apart, not being true to who she was.

"Just remember," her sister said to her, "other people's happiness or comfort isn't your responsibility.  I'm still learning this one a bit."

She felt like she would be learning it her whole life.  Her #1 love language was Acts of Service.  She felt like she was no longer allowed to love anyone.  She was beginning to wonder if love even really existed.

All Doped Up

KSL had hurt his back later in that first week.  He'd asked her if she had anything stronger than her normal painkillers.  She hesitated, realizing she was anticipating something bad happening to her and had hung onto the last of the pain meds from her tonsils.  Clearly he needed it more.

He finished it all off the first day, and he came home the next day very drunk and with a baggie full of prescription painkillers from his brother.  She was a little concerned on how he had made it home in his condition, but he seemed to be fine.

He was happy drunk, her favorite version of him.  Nameless had joked to her to keep her roommate drunk and she'd never have a problem, because she was tolerable when everyone else was drunk.  She knew he'd been joking, but in every joke there was a grain of truth.  She'd been upset and uptight, and it must have been hard on him.

Right that moment however, he was drunk-jovial even in his intense pain.  He made himself a drink and busied himself in the kitchen while demanding to know how the wedding went.  She went through her realization story as he continued to interrupt her with his own evening.  A heart to heart with his brother, drinking games with his friends.  He told her to follow him into his room, as he stripped down to his underwear to get into his PJs.  Even though she'd seen him in less it felt wrong and she glanced toward his closet as his clothing got stripped down, only looking back over at him once he had something on.  He insisted she come in and sit on the bed and talked to him while his meds kicked in, since the love sac was currently covered in his clothes.

The conversation got very deep and meaningful, and she knew that meant he was so far gone he wouldn't remember most or all of it.  Even as relaxed as he was, his self-doubt and low self esteem crept into the subject matter.  He made mention that he was glad she "lowered herself" enough to be roommates with him.  She reminded him that she wouldn't have put herself in this position with just anyone, he was exactly one of two people that she would have lived with.

"Yeah, but clearly you don't have feelings, or never did have feelings for me, otherwise this," he gestured to their hilariously flawed apartment, "would never have happened."

She was a little hurt, but having to explain to someone who wouldn't remember made it a little easier.  "It's called compartmentalizing buddy."

He furrowed his brow and said "Compartmentalizing?  'Splain."

"We've been over this dude.  A long time ago.  You know exactly what feelings were there for me.  You made it clear they were not reciprocated.  So I wrapped the feelings up, put them in a box, and shoved them in the closet."

He seemed sad and said he was sorry that this situation had made her have to put away her feelings.

"It wasn't this situation, it was just life.  It IS just life.  I would have had to do it anyway, regardless of living situation.  It's okay."

He threw his arms out and gave her a puppy dog look, wanting a hug.  She didn't want pity from him and resisted, but he told her to bring it in.  The limp hug made it clear the medication was working and it was time for him to pass out.  She kissed him on the forehead, turned off his light, and closed the door.

Quirky

The first week had been emotionally and physically rough for her.  She and KSL had some tense moments, but seemed to come out of it okay.

Many issues popped up that she had forgotten she had a problem with.  She fell asleep the second night and woke up in the middle of a panic attack because he had closed her door.  Claustrophobia was something she always forgot she had until it happened.

The little problems with the apartment had added up so much that it was almost comical.  They couldn't put anything under their bathroom sinks because of water damage.  Light switches and outlets didn't work.  Once the washer/dryer units were delivered, they were just big enough that the door to the laundry room didn't close.  The shelves in the kitchen were made of particle board, so they needed to buy contact paper.

In the meantime, things couldn't be put away until issues were fixed, so items remained out, causing her anxiety.  Everything was circumstantial, and as she promised him, there was going to be a big period of adjustment for her.

"You are really quirky, you get that right?" Goldie had said to her.  She knew, but that didn't make it any easier.  She was also dealing with an intense amount of brain fog.  The move had indeed knocked her entire body out of wack.  She held it together during the day, since she didn't have much of a choice as work was one of the busiest weeks of the year.  As she drove home each day she was out of energy to do anything at all.  She was jealous that KSL had been able to take the week off, and he could take his time getting everything settled.

She learned to sleep with the door closed within 2 nights.  She tried to keep to herself, suppress almost everything about her, trying not to intrude.  He still pointed out all her quirks making her self conscious.  He was matter of fact when he did it, not intending to hurt her.  In fact, he was being really great with her.  She knew he had the ability to cut her quickly and deeply, and he didn't.

They were both trying really hard.