The New(est) Place

 "Everything is so set up, it looks great!" most her friends echoed.  

She thought back to a year ago where she'd promised herself that her next move would be her last.  This was her second move since then, and the feeling a failure weighed heavy upon her.

She tried to rally herself.  These moves had not been her fault, even back to the studio.  It had been sold, and had nothing to do from here.  She had to get out from KSL before they killed each other.  Then the market had not crashed or done anything except go up.

Looking around her new apartment, she had put everything up fairly quickly.  She just wanted to desperately to feel like she had a home.  Her mother was getting worse by the day and soon wouldn't remember her.  She felt like an orphan.

Her new apartment looked wonderful.  But it was too much space for one person, and there would only ever be one person here.

H2Oh No

"You have a lot of water problems" her aunt texted her.

"Yeah, well it's an old building." she responded.

For a month her shower's water temperature had been acting up.  It went from super cold to scalding in a matter of seconds.  She had actually gotten burned several times.  She called into the handyman in the building several times, but it was only after her toilet overflowed that she actually met the handyman and pointed out how she'd put in several work orders and hadn't seen him.

After some texting with the landlord they called a plumber and set up an appointment for when the building was turning off the water anyway.

She hated strangers being in her space. The handyman had spent days fixing her toilet and stepped all over her bathmats with his dirty shoes.  She washed them, again after they had been washed after the great flood of 2017.

The plumber made them more dirty than ever before.  He also went and checked out her view with his muddy boots.  Her once white bathmats had turned almost black.

When he finally left she mopped up the places where she could see his shoes and cleaned up the rest of the damage.

He wasn't done of course...there was a hole and a plastic bag taped up where her tile should be surrounding the facet.  They were coming back in a few days to fix the rest of it.

On the flip side, the young filmmaker finally made time to come pick up the old TV that had been sitting in her studio for over a year.  The empty space where it had been opened up possibilities.  She offered her ex her desk, ask it was too big for her space and more than what she really needed.  She never used it unless she was working with Dusky.  They'd be better off with a smaller space.  Her ex was finally moving out of her mother's house and she wanted to be able to give him what she could so he could start over.

Looked like it was time to start redecorating.

Breathless Part 2

3 hours had passed, and all she wanted to do was get out of there.  KSL was clearly uncomfortable, so she was trying to make it seem that she was okay so they could leave.  Her head was heavy and she could fall asleep right there, but she sat up and continued drinking water. 

But they still wouldn't let her leave, so they made fun of the cartoons they had on for the kids, and she sucked down as much water as she could.  She had two popsicles in hopes that it would send her home earlier.  She tried to ask if they would take her IV out, if she could go to the bathroom.  KSL helped her after telling her to "project" or "use her words" and she shot him a dirty look.  She should have expected something like that from him after not being able to speak.

Her nurse was good naturered and helped her out.  Finally it was time to go home, and the nurse was going over the medications with KSL.  She was trying to pay attention but her mind kept wandering until she heard "Happy Wife, Happy Life."

What?

Was she assuming they were married to each other?  She looked over with laughter in her eyes at KSL.  She knew he wouldn't let it stand much longer, and the next time she mentioned it he quickly corrected her that they were just friends.

The nurse, with perfect comic timing, looked at both of them, then to her and said "Tell me the truth...he's the Uber driver isn't he?"

Her silent laugh mixed with his heartfelt laughter was a good way to end her stay.  He went to get the car and she got dressed and got into her wheelchair.

As they were taking the corners on the way out the nurse had to dig a little deeper.  "That KSL huh, what a good friend!  You could tell he cares about you.  We could all use a KSL in our life, huh?"

She was glad she wasn't facing the nurse so she couldn't see her roll her eyes.  If she only knew the extent of how crazy their friendship really was.

KSL opened the door to the car from the inside and reached back to pull out a giant bottle of water he'd bought for her.  She made the shape of a heart with her hands and signed "Thank you."  She was overwhelmed that he would do something that nice for her.

They made their way to the pharmacy.  On the way she got really sleepy, but couldn't verbalize it so she tried to rally and went inside the store.  She felt like she stood there forever before handing over her new insurance and her meds.  They said they would take about 35 minutes, and KSL suggested just going back to his place to wait it out.  Considering all she wanted to do was sleep she agreed.

They got back to his place and she snuggled up to him which he immediately rebuked.  She was too tired to be offended by it, and spent her energy trying to keep her head elevated as they watched some TV while he ate.  She gave him her drivers license and credit card, and he went back himself to get her scripts.

2 attempted naps later and he still wasn't back.  He texted they grabbed the wrong anti nausea pills, and a half an hour later he was grabbing milkshake stuff and heading back.

The mug he made the shake in was enormous, but seeing as how it was the only meal she'd have that day, she enjoyed it, as well as the movie they watched.  After it was over he decided to succumb to a nap and asked her if she wanted to do the same, where she wanted to go.  She knew that wherever she went he would go the opposite from his earlier reaction.  She indicated she didn't care and ended up on the couch.  She wasn't about to kick him out of his own bed, even if the couch was severely uncomfortable.

More uncomfortable was when his roommate came home later, though she was cordial before going into her room and closing the door.  She heard KSL's alarm go off in his bedroom, but he didn't come out.  She realized he had slept through it and went in to wake him.  She reached out to squeeze his arm, decided it was too intimate, and instead gave him a poke in the arm until he woke up.

He got ready and dropped her off at her apartment, minutes later her sister arrived to take care of her for the night.  She hadn't spent time with her sister for awhile, and it was nice to slip into the familiarity of someone bullying her into comfort as only her sister could.

Later the freshly engaged AB and PJ came by with a care package of pudding, popsicles, and mints for her.  She was overwhelmed with gratitude for her friends and their ability to care for her.

She hoped the rest of her convalescence would be just as comfortable.

Desperately Seeking Validation

She had a chocolate bar in her fridge for weeks, left behind from a KSL trip to the capitol for coffee.  She didn't feel like eating it.  It struck her as very unusual that she didn't want chocolate.

The feeling was desolation.  She had no romantic prospects and woke up thinking about Piz every night, in the middle of the night.  She would cuddle with the pillow he used to get back to sleep.  She still couldn't figure out if she missed him, or the idea of him.

She couldn't figure out what kept drawing her to online dating.  She didn't find anything great last time, why try again?  She asked BFF which escalated into a fight that she shot down everything that BFF suggested that she do.  She was just trying to have a conversation, and there were so many other things she was angry at her about that she just gave up instead of fight.

This wasn't like her.  This was another, deeper level of depression.  She didn't even want to drink.

She had decided to spend time with her mom earlier in the week.  Her mom had asked her, several times, if it was really over between her and her ex.

"Mom...do you think that's what I deserve?  Do you think I deserve to stay with a man who doesn't love me?  You think I'm making a mistake?"  She had to ask this several times before demanding a yes or no answer.

"Well, I mean, I guess no." She finally answered.

She told KSL about it later.  "I just kinda need someone, but my mom especially, to be adamant about my worth.  I let this happen for a really long time because I thought I didn't deserve better.  And I waffle on that everyday, thinking I'm not good enough.  And it's just so easy to slip.  So easy to go from being okay with myself and being confident to thinking; if my mom doesn't think I'm good enough, why am I using up all this air?"

He messaged back "Stahp.  You are worthy.  You deserve love.  You are right to want someone who wants you.  Truly."

It made her feel a little better, but she was still just sort of devoid of emotion.  She got a surprise call from PJ on her way to rehearsal and gave him a lowdown of the feelings, and also added that she had decided to go for online dating again.  After a few hours of being back she had a message from a guy she was talking to previously, and a guy wanting to pay her to talk about farts.  It was just freaking fantastic to be back.

"I don't even understand why I'm doing it.  Validation I guess, like I need someone to pay attention to me, which is lame and silly.  I just feel like I'm so much better than this, I deserve better."

PJ was quick to respond, "Hey, it's me you're talking to, you don't need to make excuses for your feelings.  It's funny, I feel that way about work sometimes, that I shouldn't be working at a warehouse, I'm smarter than all of it.  And maybe that's it for you, maybe because you aren't getting the validation you need at work or have a significant other to turn to, it just ups the lonely factor.  I don't think you are doing anything wrong."

That almost brought her out of her malaise.

Leave Your Conscience At The Tone Part 1

She was late to the memorial service.  She almost turned around and bailed out.  She never met the guy but was really just there to support SD.   Her heart already felt too heavy from the mood she was about to step into.  Being emphatic was a real bitch at a funeral.  It made her inappropriate and just all around miserable.

She came in and sat next to BFF and her boyfriend, with Goldie and her husband behind them, along with most of the improv troupe in front of them.  Her ex was noticeably absent.  Everyone seemed coupled up, and she felt her peak loneliness fall upon her.  She did a slow cry through the service, and felt bad that KSL couldn't be there because he couldn't get off work.

Just as she thought of him, he appeared.  She saw him across the room and felt his energy immediately.  He was so sad, her heart felt as if it was being squeezed.  She felt compelled to go to him.  So she did.  She saw the tears in his eyes and didn't stop until they were hugging.  It was the longest they had stayed in an embrace in public.  He really had his guard down, and for some reason it drew her in closer.  It was as if there was a sudden role reversal, and now she was preying on him...

They talked a little more at the reception afterwards, and it was harder and harder to deal with all the sorrow surrounding her.  The dumb bitch with HPV sat down, and she couldn't stand it anymore.  She left for her BFF's mom's retirement party.

The Emotional Trainwreck

Earlier in the week her sister had stopped by her apartment to give her some food and give her crap about not calling their mom to spend time together.

"The phone works both ways, she hasn't contacted me either."

"She's waiting for you, just have lunch with her or something."

She was already getting a headache just from the conversation.  Her mom always made her feel crappy about all her life choices, and she always felt like shit about herself no matter what.

That's exactly what happened.  She met her mom for breakfast at 10:30, and finally her mother said she should go home and get ready for her date around 3:00 PM.  The time was filled with asking her three times if a divorce was really what she wanted, if she was going to move to another state with Piz when he transferred for his job, and why she was staying in an apartment that was more than some people's mortgages.  It was relentless, it was awful, and she was emotionally drained by the time she was "allowed" to leave.

All she had to do was get dressed when she got a text from Piz asking if he could come up early.  He had said he wasn't feeling well, so he might not make the Improv show but still wanted to do dinner.

She quickly changed, and when she opened the door her face fell.  He looked really sick; she had given him her cold.  Damn her sex drive and thinking that it was allergies instead of the cold it really was.  He was hanging in like a champ, but clearly his sinuses were giving him trouble, and his eyes looked swollen. She asked him if he was really okay to do dinner, and he was determined. "I'll feel better after I eat" he reassured her.

"Okay, but I'm driving."  She said.  It was less than a mile away, but she didn't want to make him walk in his state.

The restaurant was too cold.  She put on the jacket she brought and he rolled down the sleeves on his button up.  He ordered the tomato soup to keep warm, and she ordered the chicken curry so he could try it.  They both had drinks, but he barely had half of his beer.  Knowing how much of a lush he could be, this worried her.  He seemed to be getting worse.

Lately they had been splitting things monetarily, but he paid for the whole meal.  It was a pricey one, and she made sure to thank him.  By the time they got back to her apartment, he was in really bad shape.  She made him sit on the couch while she got him lots of water and some DayQuil Cold and Flu medication.  He said he was cold, and she made him get into bed with her.  Under the covers, he shuddered.  She took his temperature, did the whole Florence Nightingale routine.  Upon his request, she crawled into her bed with him, and cradled his head to her chest.

Eventually his shaking subsided, and she could see that the pressure was finally being released from under his eyes.  "I should probably go." He said, attempting to sit up weakly.  He looked up at her, and said "Maybe another few minutes."

He started kissing her neck, but kept falling back into bed, exhausted.  It was nice to be lusted after that badly, but she felt horrible for getting him sick.

"You are so passionate.  Are you always like this?"  She asked him again.  He nodded.

"How did your ex ever say that you weren't passionate?  Did she grow up inside a romance novel?" She joked.

He got quiet, then said that it was something she said near the end, when they weren't getting along.  It was most likely something she said just to hurt him.

"Oh." She said, thinking about how sad it was that he was in a relationship where they got to the point of saying untrue things just to hurt one another.  Even at the worst part with KSL, it never got to the point where she said anything untrue to him.

He asked what she was thinking, and she told him.  "I understand a little more of where you are coming from now...in regards to us.  I know it's hard to believe me at this moment, but I've never been the untrue person type.  I might not be with people anymore, but that doesn't make them suddenly things they aren't.  My ex is still a good person.  KSL is still a good guy, at his core.  Your positives will always be your positives."

"I've been thinking a lot about what you told me about KSL...about how you felt like you were just a warm body to him.  You know that's not what this is, right?  What we are doing is nothing like that.  At all.  It upsets me so much that someone made you feel like that.  You are amazing.  You should never feel like that."

She wasn't sure how to respond, so she just kissed him.  For some reason, his words hadn't convinced her.  In fact, they had done the opposite of what they intended to do.  She felt a dread.  Then, apropos of nothing, he said that he did sometimes just lose interest and just leave people.  "Not to alarm you or anything."

"Could you drop me off at the Improv show on the way home?  I should still show them some support."  Really she just knew she couldn't be alone after this exchange they had.

When he dropped her off he kissed her, and said "So, when are we meeting up again?  Monday?"

"Let's play it by ear, you are still sick.  I want you to get well.  We will figure it out." She said.

She needed her distance, and knew by Monday he wouldn't be up for meeting.  She needed to buy some time to think.

Pack Your Bags, You're Going on a Guilt Trip

She downed the remainder of her signature drink from Sex Night two days before. She was going to need the booze to get through the 4 hour drive with her mother.  They were going to visit her aunt for the weekend, and it was sure to be a fun filled 2 days worth of Jewish Guilt and passive aggressive comments.

Her mother's driving was terrible but she refused to let anyone else drive her car.  She had whiplash before they even hit the state line.  The brake checking compromised her bladder control and the lack of music playing was almost too much to stand.

The weekend was punctuated by both her mother, and then and her aunt (and then her mother again) asking her why she wasn't willing to try couples counseling with her husband.  Her mother said it would "help him find closure and understanding."

She felt as if she was always going to be the one who was the bigger person, the one who was held to a higher standard.  Why should she be the one to drag her emotions through counseling so that he could get better?  Yes, she still loved him, but she was tired of giving her all to people and not getting anything but heartache in return.  She got more upset than she intended to, and a few tears were shed.  The tears were mostly frustration with her family for trying to salvage something that she had spent over a decade trying to salvage.

She deserved more support to do what she was doing.  She needed her wishes respected.  She knew what was best for her, and she was finally doing it.  She couldn't be his everything anymore.  It was too much pressure.

He was free to go to therapy on his own.

"But," her mother asked "You aren't going to move on to another relationship until he finds someone else, right?"

".............yeah, totally."

Date with Destiny

"Hello!" PJ said in his own lighthearted lilt.  "I just got off work and I'm headed your way.  What is your apartment number?"

He greeted her at the door with one of his warm hugs, and took a cursory tour of the studio.  He tread quietly around and saw the view from the balcony.  He was impressed with the space, and like everyone else, said it would be good for her.

As they walked over to the bridge opening, he said how he was actually looking forward to his evening, as plans had been canceled last minute; an introverts dream.  He said he wasn't getting tired of having nothing to do after work, and he and AB were living it up doing something different every weekend.  She was really happy for them, they still seemed so amazing together.  She was still a little sad that she took most of his time, but nothing could be done about it.  She just had to treasure the time that she did get with him.

As they approached the new bridge, she spotted her...husband?  Ex?  She wasn't sure what to call him anymore.  She saw him taking photos out on the bridge, that was currently only open to foot traffic.  They went in for an awkward hug and talked for a few minutes as they walked across the bridge, then he had to go to rehearsal that was just across the street.  He did share that he was getting a little further in the interview process for a job, which she praised him for.  What else could she do?  She was happy that her friends life was looking up, after she crushed it.  It was all so awkward.

She and PJ walked together in silence across the rest of the bridge, and was about to head down to the water when she spotted her sister and her friend.  They invited themselves over to her apartment, so she said goodbye to PJ and took them upstairs after they all walked back.  PJ gave her a look as he walked away, and she worried that he had an idea of what she'd done.  If he did, he would be so disappointed in her.

Her sister and her sister's friend were obnoxious, so she gave them a basic tour and then kicked them out.  Not a moment too soon, as her nerves had started to get fried.

She stepped into her apartment and felt the energy.  Her sister had helped her raise her desk, and PJ had fixed the door that had gone off the rollers.  Except for some pots and pans, the place was pretty well moved in.  It was glorious.  A few minutes later she was off to Goldie's to enjoy some wine and to sit there as the girls went through all the dancing scenes of the latest Magic Mike.  She shook her head almost the whole time, laughing at how silly they were.

Mamma Mia

"Did you make this?" her mother sneered, holding the application she had altered for work and given to her as a favor to a friend.

"By all means, tell me how to do my job mother."

Anyone else would take that as the sarcasm as it was, but her mother plopped down on the couch and started reading into the paper.  Sighing, she prepped for the criticism and paused the Netflix she'd been trying to watch for the last 3 hours.  For the last 3 hours her sister and mother had been sniping at each other, mostly picking the one room she was in.

She hadn't gotten a moments peace except for a half hour of folding laundry, where she discovered that 1/3rd of her clothes had gone missing.  Her sister's clothes had gone missing too, no doubt her mom had "helped" and now they were lost forever.  One of her new sweaters for work was in with the missing.  Still her mother won't accept that she has a problem with her health or her hoarding.  She needed to get out of this house.

In the end the things her mother found fault with in the application were just things she didn't understand, and she didn't think it looked professional enough.  It wasn't good enough.  She wasn't good enough.

She got it, mom.

She needed to move the hell out of that house.  She longed for time to pass and lots more paydays to fill her bank account with her escape money.

...tequila

She had a plan.  Just because she was unemployed did not mean she was at everyone's beck and call.  She wanted to do two loads of laundry, take a quick shower, and meet BW at his coffee shop and see if she could network and look for jobs on her laptop.  If she didn't set up plans like this, she'd never get out of the house and slip further into depression.

When she went to put the first load in the dryer, she found leftover clothes in the dryer her husband had left.  Wrinkled.  It would set her schedule back 30 minutes.  She was annoyed, but threw the dryer on and waited to fluff this unknown third load.  If she didn't get this done during the week, her mother would get angry that they were flooding the septic tank with too much water.

After the husband did some last minute plan canceling on her, she was almost on her way.  Her mother had texted earlier to say that she needed her tires pumped, and would she come over with her pump.  She told her that she could come by three pm but not before.  Then mom passive aggressively said she would take care of it herself.

Right as she was going to get the last load of laundry, her mother called.  She was on her way home and would be there in 3 minutes.  Could she get out the pump and do it now?  Did she have a choice?  Did her time mean nothing to the people around her?

She ended up being an hour late meeting BW.  His coffee shop had the owners hanging around and was extremely busy.  She was sure it would have been fine an hour earlier.  She was so mad on the way that she used some essential oils that were supposed to be used for headaches.  It had an adverse affect much like benadryl and she got sleepy the rest of the day.  She didn't even mind that BW didn't want to hang out but instead drop off some of his own resumes.

She went home, had a swig of tequila and sat at the table to eat her sandwich.  Her husband saw she was still upset and asked if there was anything he could do.

"The laundry." She replied.

No Sleep Tonight

Her mom's hoarding had reached an all time low when she decided because no one was helping her, she wasn't going to do a garage sale.  However, she was in charge of the community garage sale next weekend.  The call home had come because she was unable to use the step by step instructions set up for her before the trip to wine country.

So she stayed up all night doing what her mother thought should be done.  She only got four hours of sleep, and could see the miserable stretch of the extra long workday ahead of her.  After that, it was straight to some auditions to fill the spots of her new play.  Stage Managing was a thankless task, but it kept her out of the house.

They needed their own place soon or she was going to snap.