There's No Place Called Home

 "I just can't justify the cost of a mini-split." Her landlord texted her.

They had agreed on him installing AC by Summer.  It was the only reason she'd signed the lease and moved in was based on that promise.

She knew not getting it in writing would be her downfall.  

Not that she really wanted to stay here.  Her 1926 divorcée stone cottage was adorable.  A little "shotgun" style house with a creepy murder basement and very narrow stairs that shifted under anyone's weight.  Everyone was scared to go down, but compelled to due to curiosity.

Aesthetically, it was almost perfect with it's archways and faux crystal door handles.

But as she would find in the coming months, there was a complete lack of care on the landlord's part, both in practice and in attitude. He told her to "let the water run for a little bit" in order to get the dirt out.  She used her brita filter for even her ice cubes.  She never felt clean after a shower.

The wiring was so bad the electrician said he should probably call it in.  If it wasn't a stone cottage it would go up like a match.

The toilet backed up every third flush, even if you weren't flushing anything.

There wasn't a single bit of tile flooring that didn't have a crack in it, and the dirt got tracked in like crazy.

There was no reason except that it was "cute" to stay.

About a month after he told her he wasn't installing AC, she was settled into an apartment, just down the street from the one she and KSL shared.

Time to start again.

Flight Delays

 It was finally time to go.  KSL dropped her off at the airport with her car, which she had promised he could borrow for the week.  This made her nervous but she tried not to think about it.  She had bigger things to be nervous about.

Her red eye was delayed an hour by the time she reached check in.  Then another forty five minutes.

At 1:30 am she was finally boarding the plane.  They walked around providing everyone with a "snooze kit" that contained an eye mask and some earplugs.  A cute little perk, but she was just anxious to get to sleep so that she could wake up on the other side of the country.  She needed to know that she was on the way.

Even though it was a dry evening, at 1:48am they announced they were de-icing the plane and then they'd be on the way.  The plane was packed full of people, and there was an elderly couple next to her.  She loved a window seat, so she propped her jacket up against it and tried to nap a bit before they made their way down the runway.

At 2am a disembodied voice informed them of tech problems with the plane.  They assured the customers they would be on their way shortly.

Soon enough 3am came around the bend with a "paperwork delay."  People were starting to get restless but they were tired, so it came out as just sleepy and grumpy.  A half an hour later and there were new tech issues on the plane.  The lights in the cabin kept flickering back and forth as if to prove the issue.

Finally at 4:45am, the flight was cancelled.  They told everyone to go down past security to check in to be put on another flight.  They couldn't say when the next flight would be, but she would get an email.

She dragged herself to baggage claim to wait for her freshly purchased luggage.  She had no one to call, and KSL had her keys so she couldn't even get into her own apartment.  She called him up, and he answered the phone very groggy.  She told him to please just unlock the door and go back to sleep.

She went to call an uber, and of course there were only 2 on the road and had been claimed by other people on the flight.  Defeated, she called The Ex and thankfully he was awake and getting ready for work.  He would come pick her up and take her to her apartment.

She sat down, put her feet up on her bag, and openly began to cry in the middle of baggage claim.  Would she ever get to the city?

4:45 flight delayed/cancelled

Leaving at 1pm in afternoon on app, didn't sent an email

The Gala

She'd felt a bit isolated for a long time, so when the opportunity arose for her to not only cut out of work but to go to a theatre party, she jumped at the chance to do something different.  She missed her friends and doing shows.

She talked with some of her board members, her boss won an award.  She talked to people she hadn't been able to speak to in a long time.  It was rejuvenating.  It was a spa day for her soul.

She had been so lonely the last few months, being with everyone was better than being in a relationship.  Maybe she should concentrate more on her friendships and stop caring so much about relationships.

It's Terminal

"Anything else?" The doctor asked.

This was too easy.  This new doctor wasn't even asking, was just doing everything she asked.  And she sure wasn't caring about what medications she said she was previously on.

"Do you want to see a specialist?"

She did.  Then she went to the Endocrinologist.  The initial appointment was updating them on the last 10 years, the fatigue.  They wanted to test her cortisol to see if maybe that was also a problem.  She felt a little better after complaining for an hour, but she had a feeling this wasn't going to go anywhere.

First, she had to submit to more blood tests.

"I'm so sorry, I have tiny deep veins.  I drank a lot of water to help, but I'm sorry."

The phlebotomist was an older southern lady, and reminded her of the Southern Grandma that she never got to know.

"Bless your heart child, you remind me of my daughter.  She hated it when I practiced on her but your arm is exactly the same, don't you worry."

She did amazing, and she didn't even have a bruise.  Not like the next time when she couldn't find her and ended up a bruise the size of a grapefruit

She didn't have another appointment until September, they adjusted her meds slightly.  All that was left was those pesky "hopes and prayers" that were also supposed to fix everything else.

The Idea of Something

"If I could re-do any part of my life...like if I died and I could come back and re-do any decade of my life, I would re-do my 20's."  KSL said.

"I wouldn't re-do anything.  I'd just be glad it was finally all over." She replied.

She had come to terms that now she was 100% alone.  She took comfort in the fact that Nameless had wanted to meet up with her, and was really sweet and comforting about the end.  In fact, it was almost a relief that it ended this way.

Because in the end it all just seemed not real.  3 years of dates.  Flirtations.  Kisses.  Sleepovers.  And sex. 

And so much time alone in-between.  Almost so much time that she forgot about him, about their connection.  Whenever he came around again he was always sweet, always "making up" the time they spent apart.  Their sense of humor gelled.  He could make fun of her and it never made her feel bad.  Their Love Languages were similar, so their time together, however short, was always meaningful.

She thought of their harmless conversations about her coming up to Portland with him for a weekend, or how if she was making 3 figures how he'd quit his job and be her "house husband."  Lots of fun talk for something that was never meant to be.

Maybe if they'd spent more time together it wouldn't have worked out.  His need to keep the bedroom cold would have gotten to her, they'd become short with one another during talking.  But they never really would.

It had been a perfect casual relationship because there had been time and space to romanticize it.  In the end, it was the idea of something that had been perfect.

Reading about romance, writing about romance, was so wonderful.  So heart-warming.  To imagine someone being there and loving her and thinking she was wonderful.

Imagining kept her safe, so she preferred it.

Getting Up From the Table

"That sounds like a toxic living situation for the both of you." IL said.  "Mama, you ain't kidding" She replied.

After 24 hours she had finally calmed down and started to think rationally.  KSL didn't set out to have a tryst deliberately to spite her when she was grieving.  But she did obviously feel slighted, and she needed to explore that.

She had been pushed to yet another brink.  Why?  What was missing that was causing her to be so emotional about this?

She took stock of how she felt.  She was stretched thin, she felt it.  After some thought she realized it was because she gave too much of herself without any sign that it made any difference.

She didn't get enough sleep because she stayed up watching movies with KSL, and then had to get up an hour earlier to drop him off from work.  He wasn't making enough money so she was not requiring him to do the things he'd normally do, like pay for every other tank of gas.  Her car was showing the wear and tear of 9 months of driving across town multiple times a day.  She knew soon it would get expensive and time consuming and she didn't have enough money to get a down payment or have a car payment again.

She was stressed.  She was putting herself, her health, at risk for things that he was just taking for granted, and wouldn't even miss if they were gone.

So then why was she doing it?  She swore she'd never again keep setting herself on fire just to keep someone warm.  It was bullshit.

"I'm sorry that I came at you the way that I did," she started.  "I realized that the reason I reacted was somethings that I needed to change, so I'm going to tell you about them."

"I've set an alarm on my phone for 10:15.  When it goes off we need to wrap up whatever we are doing and I need alone time."

Later she had told him she could no longer drive him to work after the second week in March.  The new office that he could walk to should have been ready at the beginning of March, so 2 weeks longer seemed more than fair.  She knew she'd become angry and resentful after that point in time.

She could only change her, and her reaction to things.  It was time to take control of that.

It Gets Better***

***but first it gets worse.

She was in such a hurry to get into her appointment at the doctor that she forgot her phone in the car.

Now she was stuck waiting around without distraction.  She pulled out a pen and started writing everything that was happening as a way to distract her.

• Nothing like forgetting your phone when you have a 2 hour doctor's appointment.
• That is pretty stressful, and you could use a distraction.
• I could be shopping for shoes online, but instead I'm writing on the back of a $200 receipt.  All because I like to keep my phone in my cup holder.  Cool cool
• They've called two "Samantha's" and and two "Julia's" and the wrong one always stands up first.  There has to be a psychological reason behind that.
• Aaand there goes the 3rd Samantha.
• Ultrasound @9, IUD Insert at 10:20.  This is the worst day to have bad gas but here we are.
• There are 3 sections of the waiting area at the OBGYN: With Kids, without kids, and the Undecideds.  It's this wacky Woman's Only West Side Story.
• The Have-Nots hate that the Have's children break the silence of the waiting room.
• They still have their Xmas tree up.  Ugh.
• 9;39 am: Ultrasound done.  Waiting to see if they can get me in for the IUD sooner.  The tech was super chatty and nice and her energy put me at ease.  It was kinda cool to see my uterus.  It looks really small.
• All they have in this waiting room is parenting mags.  Ugh.
• And parents.  And one Have-Not refuses to move from her middle seat so a family can't sit together.
• 9:48 am: My blood pressure is "faint" and I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
• Here we go...

 They finally called her in and she was waiting, trying her hardest not to be nervous.  She knew once this was over, there was the next 6 months to try her best not to panic.

The procedure was not pleasant, and she actually exclaimed "ouchie" at one point, but in about 45 seconds it was over.

On the way home, the cramps started, and continued for the next 40 days.

Drastic-ish Measures

"So, at my last checkup, I mentioned maybe having to up the dosage of my pain pills for my periods.  It's actually gotten much worse since last year."

"Yeah, what's been going on?" Her kind OBGYN asked.

"It's so bad that I had to call into work last month.  I have to take the painkillers, drink a large amount of alcohol and take an edible just to not spend 2 full days on my bathroom floor."

The doctor agreed that it sounded like endometriosis.  She had a couple of different options to choose from; an operation to scrape it all out that would have to be done again in a couple of years, or get an IUD put in.

She was conflicted, as she didn't want to go to the extreme of another surgery.  But she thought about the depression she encountered when she was on birth control pills, and worried about the same with an IUD.

"I would give you the smallest IUD on the market, and eventually it gets to the point where you won't have your period at all, so no more intensely painful cramps.  Do you want to give it a shot?"

She decided to try the IUD first, and they scheduled an ultrasound and the IUD insertion for the same day a week into the new year.  The doctor said that the ultrasound would make sure there was nothing else strange going on before going forward.

She was scared about all the things that could happen, and decided she needed to keep track of her mood every day to make sure that depression didn't take hold again.  Cautiously optimistic, she looked forward to no more pain. 

Slowing Down

Since her big work month was finally out of the way, she had some time to breathe.  Of course, once she started to take a deep breath a social obligation popped out of nowhere; dinner and drinks with an acquaintance, dinner with another friend, a autumn day trip.  The 3 day weekend she was looking so forward to got obliterated by having to see people or do things on all three days.

She was struggling with being in the moment, slowing everything down. She thought by giving up theatre she'd have more free time, but it seems she was still being pulled in every direction.  Maybe things would feel a little easier once KSL's show was over and he was able to get a car.  Then KSL made an offhand comment that he wasn't even going to start looking until after he got his tax return back...which would be at least 5 months away.  He needed to get a car much, much sooner than that.

She hadn't had a day all to herself in a really long time, and maybe she just needed to get that one day back that she needed to go on with the remaining six.

Go Ask Alice?

"Okay, so the bathroom is down the hall.  There's a spare bedroom if you need it, don't feel like you will need to go home tonight, you are welcome for as long as you want to stay.  Always, not just tonight."

She smiled at PJ.  He had been wanting this evening since the moment that they met and he found out that she'd never gotten high.  She thought back to that night where she'd gotten a contact high from him and told him to calm down about the $20 they were charging him at the drive through.  He thought she was going to love it, maybe almost too much.  Like he did.

He was making a pizza, had 4 different kinds of snacks, and for dessert he had bought them all ice cream sandwiches, and regular ice cream.  If she got the munchies...well she was more than covered.

He showed her how to work the couch recliner, and they had an edible and he "puffed" a little as well in the garage.  They went back in the house and talked about life, what had been going on, the experiences she'd had being a roommate now.  It seemed like everything she said or did got blown up on an epic scale and turned against her, twisted into a totally different meaning until she ended up apologizing for something that had made her upset in the first place.  It was like extreme gaslighting, and she was getting tired of it.

An hour passed and she stated she didn't really feel any different.  PJ had advised her to just shout out what she was feeling as it happened and enjoy the experience.

"Well," she said, "Everyone has their stories about how they did too much the first time, lets just try another one."

PJ again offered up their spare bedroom in case she felt like she couldn't move later, and another trip to the garage and they were back in the house.  10 minutes after that she said she felt heavy, like a whoosh of base suddenly happened in an empty movie theater. 

"It's like that moment where you just realized you had one drink too many, and you should stop."  She vaguely remembered going out to the garage a second time, but refusing to have any more.

She pulled out the couch recliner and laid in it, and PJ turned on some comedian sketch show on Netflix and they watched a few episodes.  She got really tired and faded in and out, napping through most of the show.  AB left the room after one creeped her out, but returned soon after.  AB and PJ went to the garage to puff more, and it felt like they were gone forever.  She became uncomfortable and stood up, and felt like she was just tired.  It was time to go home.

Once they came back inside she said her goodbyes, saying she was just tired but thank you for hosting her.  PJ made her come out to the garage one last time and wrapped up 3 edibles to take home with her to try on her own.

She got into her car and decided to not take the freeway home, figuring it would be easier in her tired state.

Each light took forever to change, and she got more and more anxious to be in her own space, in her own room.  She was going the speed limit, but it felt so incredibly slow.  She started to forget where she was in her journey in-between stoplights.  Soon, she was lost in-between them, in the dark.  The dark stretched on forever and she became overwhelmed with all the streetlights out and only seeing into the dark.  She was never going to make it home, and started to panic, tears streaming down her face.  She cried in-between three stop lights, but finally made it home.

She'd left her water bottle at AB and PJ's house by accident, so she was incredibly thirsty.  KSL had dishes in both sides of the sink so she couldn't get to the filter to get water.  She painstakingly emptied the dishwasher, being careful so she didn't break a dish in her state, and finally got her glass filled.  KSL commented that it took her a full 45 minutes to unload that dishwasher, and she shot him a dirty look and replied that she wouldn't have had to if SOMEONE hadn't had the sink full.  She then proceeded to sit in a chair across the room, and KSL said "You don't have to sit over there.  You can come sit on the couch."

She couldn't do it.  She couldn't handle the mind games while high, she couldn't take the guilt of where she even sat in her own apartment.  "Look," KSL said kindly, "I know you are high for the first time and I just want you to be comfortable, sit wherever you want."

She stood up, and without breaking eye contact walked past him into her room and shut the door.

The Sinus Infection

Seething hatred for herself.  So weak.  She continued to beat herself up as she felt herself slip further and further into fatigue and self-doubt.

A headache had started days ago, and it ebbed and flowed through her cranium.  Just when she thought it was gone, it would return full force.  Everyone was too loud, everything too bright.  KSL sent her on an errand and she had to keep her sunglasses on in the store, it was too bright.  She was too fatigued and messed it all up.  KSL pretended like he wasn't upset about it, but clearly he was.

One of the actors said that his wife has lupus, so he understood that sometimes...really all the time, was constant pain.  Most of the time she could hide it, but it looked like she was having a harder time.

Maybe she should find another place.  Then KSL's friend could give away her dog and move in and then he'd be happy, and she could go back to not having to pretend 24/7 that she was okay.  He was clearly embarrassed by her, or still just too worried about what people would think.  His movie night was a scary movie, and she didn't mean to be scooting towards him but she was tired, therefore weak, therefore looking for someone to lean on.

If she'd been his ex, he would have snuggled with her.  If she'd been his friend, any other friend, he would have comforted her.

But she wasn't someone else.  She must be avoided at all costs, even if that meant giving up "his spot" on the couch.  Had she'd not been sick, weak...she wouldn't have bothered sitting by him at all.  Wouldn't had even been there.  She considered just going out and sleeping in her car, but she felt too sick.  She slept through most of the second movie in his spot, and continued to beat herself up through the next day as her headache worsened.

A Sinking Ship

KSL admitted a pattern of needy women in his life.  He had asked her why she had chosen to move in with him, and she had given him a long, well thought out answer.  They talked a lot about their issues as roommates, and how improvements could be made.  Eventually though, it had gotten late and KSL wanted to continue the conversation later.  She knew the chances of that happening were slim.

He had expressed several times that everyone cried on him; his mom, his friends, his past girlfriends.  So even when she was desperately upset after everything went down with Mel, she kept it to herself, or tried to.  KSL had become fairly empathetic himself and could always sense when something was wrong with her.

He was also having a stressful time with not having a car and directing a show along with work.  He put himself under a lot of pressure to succeed, and beat himself down whenever he felt like it wasn't working.

So she didn't cry on his shoulder.  She didn't ask for hugs she desperately needed.  She did without, so that he could catch a break from people leaning on him.  She continued to weather her own storm and hoped that sometime in the future, someone would be able to be there for her.

The Death of Love

She had quickly discovered that by not helping, actively not taking action...made it even obvious how totally alone she was.

She talked to a friend who was one of those types that were always looking for the ultimate love, and frustrated that it didn't come in bulk at her local corner store.

She couldn't give her false hope or say that there was someone out there for her, because in all honesty...she wasn't quite sure that was true anymore.

Maybe the idea of love is so prominent in movies and shows because it is actually rare.  It's not for everyone.  Just like not everyone is rich, maybe not everyone gets love.

All those people that stick around for years on the dating sites she kept coming back to weren't finding love.  Neither was she.  The more and more she thought about it, it was possible she never actually had it.

She had friends that had found it, she knew it existed.  Maybe it was just luck on their part.

It was getting her down.  She spent an afternoon on the couch, being quiet and decompressing.  She'd had hardly any time to herself and thought that it was possible that her depression was coming from not a lot of alone time.

The depression continued for the next month.  She stopped writing, stopped caring about anything.

Solicitation

"In al-anon, which is really control freaks anonymous, there's a rule:  Suggest something one time and you're being helpful, suggest something two times and you're being controlling; suggest something three times and you're being manipulative."  IL texted to her.  It stopped her in her tracks.

She and KSL had been at odds.  They both had a hard time accepting help, but wanted to give it to others.  She had tearfully exclaimed that "I don't know what you want from me!" One night after having words with each other.  They had both not been in a great mental place, and tensions had just been high after he had lost his car.

IL had given her so much perspective on how all she wanted to do was be helpful, but it was turning into a problem.  She was constantly explaining how she was trying her best not to give a fuck.

It was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do.  She felt like she was being torn apart, not being true to who she was.

"Just remember," her sister said to her, "other people's happiness or comfort isn't your responsibility.  I'm still learning this one a bit."

She felt like she would be learning it her whole life.  Her #1 love language was Acts of Service.  She felt like she was no longer allowed to love anyone.  She was beginning to wonder if love even really existed.

You Can Go Home Again

She felt sad, then numb.  The divorce had gone through.  It was over.  It was just a piece of paper, but PJ was right, it felt different.

She went out to coffee with a friend after work, and they talked about everything they could talk about besides her divorce.  It was nice and refreshing, as they hadn't spent time together too much until that night.

She put on her headphones and started the walk home and decided to take a different path, through a road with very little streetlights and tons of trees.

It was calming and relaxing to walk through the closest thing she got to nature.  She realized about halfway home, that she was actually heading home.

That studio was actually where she lived.  This was the first time she had called it home in her mind and headed there.  She had the sudden realization that she was, blissfully, alone.  Her decisions were her own.  Her choices didn't change anyone else's reality anymore.  She was, albeit calmly, free.

She no longer felt like going on the dating sites.  She didn't feel that insane push to prove that she was worthy of being loved anymore.  The pressure melted away.  The judgment from everyone else faded.

She was finally home, in herself, for the first time in her life.

It was a nice feeling.

Mountains of Haze

It was Fire Season.  Even though they'd had a great, wet winter...the summer had turned dry and there were fires all around the surrounding area.  The last few days had filled the valley with smoke.

One morning she woke up, and for the third day in a row she couldn't see the mountains.

She hadn't realized until then how much she had counted on them to be there.  She became anxious and felt exposed.  It was like a blanket that had been ripped away from her and she grew cold.

It had been quite a week of emotions too.  Getting to be okay with Nameless and where they were heading...coming to terms with the fact that she had made out with someone without any sort of emotions attached to it.

On her end, anyway.

Mel had messaged her, asking what she was doing on Saturday, a mere 8 days after the incident.  He was marching in a Pride Parade and wanted her to come.  She told him she had breakfast plans with the Unicorn and then a facial later that day.  He then asked what she was doing Friday.  Luckily she had plans to go out drinking with her Maid of Honor.

"If you don't want to go just tell him that.  If it hurts his feelings he'll get over it." JJ advised her.

"I've just seen him get really emotional and over attached."  She messaged back.

"Oh yeah.  Definitely.  But like I said, if you're not feeling it then just tell him."

"I did.  Guess I'll have to keep doing it."

Thwarted by Technology

He came around the corner and there was something immediately familiar about him.  Maybe she'd seen him while she was walking to work before and never noticed, maybe on one of the dating sites.

The music in her earbud swelled as they approached each other.  A few doves scattered and flew into their path.  A breeze picked up and gently blew back her hair.

It would have been a beautiful meet cute...if he had ever looked up from his phone.

Infection

"So you think you have a yeast infection." The skeptical nurse practitioner stated rather than asked. 

"I do.  I just had my tonsils out and have felt pretty crappy down there ever since and I tried treating it myself several times but it's not going away."  She waited a moment, then said "And I wanted to get the HPV Vaccine while I was here, and have another round of STD tests."  She didn't say why, figuring this lady heard the story all the time.

"What kind of soap do you use?" She asked.  "Um, the sensitive kind?" 

"The body wash or the bar soap?"

"The body wash."

"The body wash is horse shit.  It's just the cosmetics companies selling you water instead of product.  Always use the bar soap.  Tell your partner to use it too, it's important for your intimate areas to be clean without harmful chemicals."

She didn't have the heart to tell the NP that she hadn't even seen his junk yet, and she thought it would be awful presumptuous to tell him what to do with it.  The NP was so forceful about her opinion she ended up promising her that she would buy the bar soap for her and her "boyfriend" just to shut her up.

The NP did her swabs and came back in with the results pretty quickly.

"You have a bacterial infection.  Have you heard of vaginosis?" The nurse practitioner asked her.

Her heart immediately went into her throat.  That sounded serious.  What had she caught?

Someone stepped in to talk to the doctor and she stopped her explanation.  She panicked further until she came back around and said it was a typical thing.  "Most people have it when they think they have a yeast infection.  I'm sure it's just from your weakened immunity from your surgery.  I'll call in a prescription for you."

"Now about your vaccine.  It's three shots, taken six months apart.  Your insurance won't cover it, and it's $120 a shot.  Do you want to do one today?"

It was so much money, but she nodded yes anyway.  $300 for no cervical cancer and a piece of mind about not having it was worth it.

"Okay, so we will take you back out into the waiting room and get you all paid up, then take you back again for the shot.  Then we'll send you over to the lab for the rest of your requested blood work."

She got anxious again.  She was already going to be late for work.  "Listen, I didn't pack a lunch.  Can I make an appointment to do these things later?"

After work she made her way to the pharmacy to pick up her prescriptions.  The pharmacist was new, and young.  He stammered when he was talking about her prescriptions and in what order she should be taking them.

"And, um...it lowers the potency of certain other medications you are taking.  So, if you are taking any form of birth control, you might want to um...double up?  Use a condom--use two forms.  Of birth control.  Just for this 7 day course of treatment."

She tried to interrupt, again, to no avail.  It seems everyone thought she was further along in her flirtationship than she actually was.  She had no idea when she would even see Nameless again.

"Okay, thanks" she said halfheartedly, taking her medication and heading for the exit.  In a couple of weeks she would no longer have an excuse not to have sex with him.  She wondered what she would do then.

How to Save a Friendship

"You can either love it and live with it, hate it and live with it, or leave it." BFF said.  She had reached out to her and they had an afternoon together, mending their limping relationship.  BFF had started seeing a therapist who had drilled that platitude into her existence.   She wondered if, eventually, BFF was going to say that she was "leaving it" with their friendship.  When they left each other, it seemed better.

Her childhood best friend, Unicorn, had been going through a hard time, so she reached out to her and met up at her house on the other side of town.

Unicorn opened the door and she was shocked at her friend's appearance.  She had gained at least 50 pounds since she'd seen her last.  Her heart went out to her, she was clearly going through a rough time.

After hearing what Unicorn had gone through, she shared her story of the last year.  Unicorn was super supportive and non-judging. Unicorn understood her to the core, and she was beyond glad to have her back in her life.

They exorcised their demons with each other, and it was like nothing terrible had ever happened between them.  They picked up like it was the 6th grade again, although their stories of their lives had...escalated.

She mentioned all of her misadventures in dating.  Unicorn asked her why she felt compelled to date at all, stating if she ever split from her husband, she'd never date again.  She told her that she had already essentially been alone for her whole life, and she felt like it was her time.

"So...it seems you are getting the life you always wanted in high school!"

She started laughing intensely.  Unicorn was right, of course.  In high school she had never dated anyone but always longed to have a high school relationship.  She'd had a small taste of it prom night...before her prom date told her that he had found a girlfriend in-between asking her to prom and the actual night of prom. 


She guessed it was just her time.

Thinly Veiled Symbolism

MG had talked at her all night, and she was tired.  Tired of her opinions about how her and KSL were exactly like her and her ex were.  She harped and harped on the fact that they were a dumpster fire just waiting to blow up.  Even though they hadn't had sex in 6 months.  MG drudged up all the emotions that she had so carefully put away.

She was distraught.

***

Her ex had done something terrible.  Naturally, since they were still married that also had gotten her in trouble.

 They needed to run.

She couldn't recall how, but they ended up splitting up in order to confuse the police, and she was stuck sleeping on the floor in someone's house she didn't recognize with a bunch of other friends.

"Okay everyone, make sure to keep her away from KSL!" BFF shouted loudly.  She felt her face turn scarlet. She grew even more embarrassed as everyone followed instructions and started to smoosh her down so that she just gave up and went to an opposite corner of the room.

But in the middle of the night, she got up and snuggled up to KSL.  She realized she did this just to spite everyone, and not because she had any romantic affection for him.  She just wanted to be defiant.

***

She woke from the dream with an icky feeling of her thinly veiled emotions.  Her dream had brought a lot to light.  Then she realized...she had a dream.  She had a fully formed, "working it out" dream.  She felt like she had dealt with her emotions in the dream, and she woke up feeling completely resolved from them.

She forgot she could do that.  She had gone so long without having a good night's sleep, having solid REM sleep.  She had completely forgotten that when other people drink, or smoke, as an outlet...she had dreamt to deal.

But she hadn't been able to do that in a long time.  She had forgotten that she was able to do it, it had honestly been that long.

She wondered how many questionable decisions she'd made without having that outlet.  Maybe she had been making horrible mistakes for years.

As she walked along the river to work, she couldn't even pretend to be angry or upset about it, because it had come back.  She was elated.  She had an emotion, dreamt her thinly veiled symbolic dream, and emerged with a greater understanding of herself.  She had found herself again.

She smiled at the rushing river, the people walking their adorable dogs, even the pesky religious folk that tried to talk to her every day.  The day was beautiful, she was on her own, and she was going to be okay.