She had a chocolate bar in her fridge for weeks, left behind from a KSL trip to the capitol for coffee. She didn't feel like eating it. It struck her as very unusual that she didn't want chocolate.
The feeling was desolation. She had no romantic prospects and woke up thinking about Piz every night, in the middle of the night. She would cuddle with the pillow he used to get back to sleep. She still couldn't figure out if she missed him, or the idea of him.
She couldn't figure out what kept drawing her to online dating. She didn't find anything great last time, why try again? She asked BFF which escalated into a fight that she shot down everything that BFF suggested that she do. She was just trying to have a conversation, and there were so many other things she was angry at her about that she just gave up instead of fight.
This wasn't like her. This was another, deeper level of depression. She didn't even want to drink.
She had decided to spend time with her mom earlier in the week. Her mom had asked her, several times, if it was really over between her and her ex.
"Mom...do you think that's what I deserve? Do you think I deserve to stay with a man who doesn't love me? You think I'm making a mistake?" She had to ask this several times before demanding a yes or no answer.
"Well, I mean, I guess no." She finally answered.
She told KSL about it later. "I just kinda need someone, but my mom especially, to be adamant about my worth. I let this happen for a really long time because I thought I didn't deserve better. And I waffle on that everyday, thinking I'm not good enough. And it's just so easy to slip. So easy to go from being okay with myself and being confident to thinking; if my mom doesn't think I'm good enough, why am I using up all this air?"
He messaged back "Stahp. You are worthy. You deserve love. You are right to want someone who wants you. Truly."
It made her feel a little better, but she was still just sort of devoid of emotion. She got a surprise call from PJ on her way to rehearsal and gave him a lowdown of the feelings, and also added that she had decided to go for online dating again. After a few hours of being back she had a message from a guy she was talking to previously, and a guy wanting to pay her to talk about farts. It was just freaking fantastic to be back.
"I don't even understand why I'm doing it. Validation I guess, like I need someone to pay attention to me, which is lame and silly. I just feel like I'm so much better than this, I deserve better."
PJ was quick to respond, "Hey, it's me you're talking to, you don't need to make excuses for your feelings. It's funny, I feel that way about work sometimes, that I shouldn't be working at a warehouse, I'm smarter than all of it. And maybe that's it for you, maybe because you aren't getting the validation you need at work or have a significant other to turn to, it just ups the lonely factor. I don't think you are doing anything wrong."
That almost brought her out of her malaise.
Showing posts with label Online Dating Dude. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Online Dating Dude. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 14, 2016
Monday, July 11, 2016
Taking Feminism Back 10 Years
"So, I normally don't ask my dates to come armed, but...would you mind if we borrowed your foil for my play? I promise to take good care of it and get you free tickets to opening weekend!" She asked her potential date. He agreed, and they agreed to meet shortly after they were both off work.
She saw him getting out of his car in the alleyway behind her building to meet her for coffee with the foil. She almost called out to him, but didn't want him to see her coming out of her building. She followed behind, watching him jaywalk across the street to the coffeeshop. He was a lot bigger than the 50 pounds overweight he'd led her to believe he was. It was still workable, but she felt no immediate spark from seeing him. She walked over and took the actual crosswalk and came up behind him to say hi just as he was ordering.
"Hi" He said without too much feeling, then asked how much his coffee was and took out his wallet.
He paid for his coffee, then stepped aside to wait for her to order. He never offered to pay for her coffee. He never even attempted. She paid for her coffee awkwardly, and they found a spot to sit down. The air conditioning wasn't on for some reason, and she fanned herself for a minute with the scripts from her play.
They talked about their days, other things they had covered online. She felt like she was carrying most of the conversation talking, and hadn't really gotten to know him besides a few stories. She predicted she wouldn't be attracted to him, and here it was. But, was it because he was just nice and nothing more, or did her vagina just seal shut the second he didn't pay?
She was taking Feminism back 10 years with these thoughts, but...was chivalry really that dead? At least offer and let her decline, right? She was so floored, this guy was talking about second dates and taking her out to sushi for lunch...but he didn't want to shell out $5 for her iced chai latte?
Her friends all gave a resounding "Nope" when they heard about the not paying, men and women alike. Her co-worker even said "I think these things come around every once in awhile to test you, to see if you'll find into the same patterns. You don't need a guy who makes you pay, again."
She had an awesome point. Looks like she needed to get back out there.
She saw him getting out of his car in the alleyway behind her building to meet her for coffee with the foil. She almost called out to him, but didn't want him to see her coming out of her building. She followed behind, watching him jaywalk across the street to the coffeeshop. He was a lot bigger than the 50 pounds overweight he'd led her to believe he was. It was still workable, but she felt no immediate spark from seeing him. She walked over and took the actual crosswalk and came up behind him to say hi just as he was ordering.
"Hi" He said without too much feeling, then asked how much his coffee was and took out his wallet.
He paid for his coffee, then stepped aside to wait for her to order. He never offered to pay for her coffee. He never even attempted. She paid for her coffee awkwardly, and they found a spot to sit down. The air conditioning wasn't on for some reason, and she fanned herself for a minute with the scripts from her play.
They talked about their days, other things they had covered online. She felt like she was carrying most of the conversation talking, and hadn't really gotten to know him besides a few stories. She predicted she wouldn't be attracted to him, and here it was. But, was it because he was just nice and nothing more, or did her vagina just seal shut the second he didn't pay?
She was taking Feminism back 10 years with these thoughts, but...was chivalry really that dead? At least offer and let her decline, right? She was so floored, this guy was talking about second dates and taking her out to sushi for lunch...but he didn't want to shell out $5 for her iced chai latte?
Her friends all gave a resounding "Nope" when they heard about the not paying, men and women alike. Her co-worker even said "I think these things come around every once in awhile to test you, to see if you'll find into the same patterns. You don't need a guy who makes you pay, again."
She had an awesome point. Looks like she needed to get back out there.
Friday, July 8, 2016
Postponement
"I'm having a helluva day, could we move coffee to tomorrow?"
Her mind spun as she thought of her super hectic schedule, moved things around in her head, and replied "Ummmmm I think so. I'm pretty sure I have the same schedule going tomorrow."
His response: "Thanks-my brother pulled some shit and I'm trying not to be worried."
"What better distraction than coffee with a cute girl?" She thought to herself. Outwardly she was supportive, and he confided to her that his brother was basically a late 90's soap opera and had run away from rehab. It was a mess, and he needed to take time after work to call the police stations and hospitals in a town 8 hours away.
"Are you sure you don't want to put off coffee indefinitely?" She asked, feeling like this was all a ploy to never meet up with her.
"Not a chance, just need a day that's slightly calmer."
Well, okay then. She guessed tomorrow would be the day then.
Her mind spun as she thought of her super hectic schedule, moved things around in her head, and replied "Ummmmm I think so. I'm pretty sure I have the same schedule going tomorrow."
His response: "Thanks-my brother pulled some shit and I'm trying not to be worried."
"What better distraction than coffee with a cute girl?" She thought to herself. Outwardly she was supportive, and he confided to her that his brother was basically a late 90's soap opera and had run away from rehab. It was a mess, and he needed to take time after work to call the police stations and hospitals in a town 8 hours away.
"Are you sure you don't want to put off coffee indefinitely?" She asked, feeling like this was all a ploy to never meet up with her.
"Not a chance, just need a day that's slightly calmer."
Well, okay then. She guessed tomorrow would be the day then.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Stymie
The date with ODD was fast approaching, and she was petrified. She didn't even date her husband, they just sort of hung out until they got married. They never went on dates. She had no idea what to do.
"Just act like you are meeting a friend for coffee, only he's paying. He's a nice friend. You don't even know if you like each other yet, don't let it stress you out." MG said. She was right, she needed to get out of her head about all of this.
It didn't help that her mind was still swirling about KSL. She needed to make a decision. She had texted him the night before, when the alcohol stopped being fun. She sat on the toilet of the bar, pulled out her phone, and asked how the end of his show went. She finished her business, stood up, flushed, then realized she was reaching out to him. At midnight. SHE was trying to get a booty call. Or at least a ride from the bar to her apartment.
She immediately shot off another text. "Nevermind why the fuck am I drunk texting you."
He didn't text back until 2 in the afternoon the next day. "Sorry. My phone was on silent. Didn't get home til 4:30. Just woke up"
She waited a half an hour, then sent back "It's fine. I was in a little trouble but even in the moment I obviously knew you weren't the one to contact. Just forget about it." She baited him with the trouble line...why did she do that?
"What kind of trouble?" He asked immediately.
She waited another half hour. "Saturday night shit. It's fine, I managed on my own." As soon as she sent it she wished she had said "by myself." That would've gotten him.
He waited 20 minutes then replied "Are you okay? How did the show go?"
"I'll be fine. Show was really good."
Finally, after what felt like forever he replied "Okay. I won't pry. Glad you are, or will be, alright"
"Thanks"
She was worried she'd turned into him, sabotaging all her relationships.
"Just act like you are meeting a friend for coffee, only he's paying. He's a nice friend. You don't even know if you like each other yet, don't let it stress you out." MG said. She was right, she needed to get out of her head about all of this.
It didn't help that her mind was still swirling about KSL. She needed to make a decision. She had texted him the night before, when the alcohol stopped being fun. She sat on the toilet of the bar, pulled out her phone, and asked how the end of his show went. She finished her business, stood up, flushed, then realized she was reaching out to him. At midnight. SHE was trying to get a booty call. Or at least a ride from the bar to her apartment.
She immediately shot off another text. "Nevermind why the fuck am I drunk texting you."
He didn't text back until 2 in the afternoon the next day. "Sorry. My phone was on silent. Didn't get home til 4:30. Just woke up"
She waited a half an hour, then sent back "It's fine. I was in a little trouble but even in the moment I obviously knew you weren't the one to contact. Just forget about it." She baited him with the trouble line...why did she do that?
"What kind of trouble?" He asked immediately.
She waited another half hour. "Saturday night shit. It's fine, I managed on my own." As soon as she sent it she wished she had said "by myself." That would've gotten him.
He waited 20 minutes then replied "Are you okay? How did the show go?"
"I'll be fine. Show was really good."
Finally, after what felt like forever he replied "Okay. I won't pry. Glad you are, or will be, alright"
"Thanks"
She was worried she'd turned into him, sabotaging all her relationships.
Wednesday, July 6, 2016
Excuse Me, Do You Validate?
"Yep, words of affirmation are high for me. Basically Netflix and Validate Me." she joked to ODD.
It seemed that validation was the theme lately. She had lunch with a friend of hers that was in a new relationship, but her romantic interest wasn't being very affectionate. She told her friend that men loved big gestures, and she just needed to take the bull by the horns sometimes.
She could see her friend's hesitation and was suddenly struck with the question: Why were woman raised to automatically carry such a heavy burden, emotionally and physically? We still weren't allowed to be sexual beings, to feel right asking for more sex, so instead we just silently get more and more depressed over the relationship. As women, we need to break free of this mold.
Everyone needs a little validation to live. Just like Tinkerbell, everyone needs applause. She started thinking about what validation she was getting from KSL...she couldn't think of anything except that she was a hot piece of ass. Otherwise they seemed to barely be friends.
After his show they both went midnight shopping at Wal-Mart together. On the way over she talked about how she was meeting the Online Dating Dude soon. She had deleted all her dating profiles because they were all tall dudes that wanted their women to hike, fish, and camp.
"That's when you say that it's not for you, but you are willing to try it." KSL said.
"Then what? When I try it and hate it the relationship is over and we've both wasted our time when I could just say it's not my deal in the first place. Why lie about something like that just to keep a guy I don't even have anything in common with interested?" She replied.
"Well now I'm not taking you hiking." He joked.
"No, see you I'd go hiking with, you know my physical limitations."
"No I don't." He said. She shot him a glance across the car's console. He backtracked "I mean, like in the hiking sense I don't."
The conversation was brought around to his next therapy appointment, which was early the next month. "I don't think she's going to be happy about you."
"Me? You are talking to your therapist about me? What are you saying?"
"I'm going to tell her I've entered into a non-committed sexual relationship with someone."
She replied sarcastically "Ooooh, it sounds so sexy when you say it!" She softened and said "What do you think she'll say?"
He said "She won't want me to do it, and tell me that I'm just doing it for validation."
As they were walking out of the store, he said "I'm going to tell you something that you aren't going to be happy about, but I want to be honest."
She braced herself and went to the lowest common denominator...that he had given her an STD or something similar. It didn't turn out to be that, but why she wasn't invited to his movie nights on Sundays. It was because his roommate was still miffed about what Goldie had overheard, so it would be awkward if she was over there. He said "You can say I told you so if you want, you did call this I guess."
She kept silent, her brain churning out thoughts on how to process this. On one hand it was the roommates house too and she deserved to be comfortable in it. On the other, this was the same problem they had just fought for weeks over.
"You just not gonna speak to me now?" He said, not being able to take the silence any longer. She had been thinking so loudly in her own brain that she didn't realize she'd gone that long without speaking.
"I'm processing."
"You're angry."
"Well I'm not happy."
She started to think he would never stand up for her, never even be her friend. Maybe all he was seeking was physical validation from her. What validation was she getting? Just that she was still hot enough to fuck and nothing more. Sex is great, but the sex they were having wasn't even that great. He had mentioned he needed to start jerking off more to last longer, and she retorted that he owed her an orgasm for last time. He was, of course, keeping track, stating technically he was up by one. She corrected him and said he was up by maybe half. The first time she had almost orgasmed through penetration and really wanted to do that.
She felt like he wasn't ever going to look out for her or respect her. When she was at lunch with her friend, she was presented with options: drop the friend and just have sex, drop the sex and just be friends, or stop it all.
She had a decision to make. Part of her wanted to wait and see what his therapist said. Part of her wanted to end it right away before he could talk to his therapist.
She wasn't sure what she was going to do, but it did have to be something.
It seemed that validation was the theme lately. She had lunch with a friend of hers that was in a new relationship, but her romantic interest wasn't being very affectionate. She told her friend that men loved big gestures, and she just needed to take the bull by the horns sometimes.
She could see her friend's hesitation and was suddenly struck with the question: Why were woman raised to automatically carry such a heavy burden, emotionally and physically? We still weren't allowed to be sexual beings, to feel right asking for more sex, so instead we just silently get more and more depressed over the relationship. As women, we need to break free of this mold.
Everyone needs a little validation to live. Just like Tinkerbell, everyone needs applause. She started thinking about what validation she was getting from KSL...she couldn't think of anything except that she was a hot piece of ass. Otherwise they seemed to barely be friends.
After his show they both went midnight shopping at Wal-Mart together. On the way over she talked about how she was meeting the Online Dating Dude soon. She had deleted all her dating profiles because they were all tall dudes that wanted their women to hike, fish, and camp.
"That's when you say that it's not for you, but you are willing to try it." KSL said.
"Then what? When I try it and hate it the relationship is over and we've both wasted our time when I could just say it's not my deal in the first place. Why lie about something like that just to keep a guy I don't even have anything in common with interested?" She replied.
"Well now I'm not taking you hiking." He joked.
"No, see you I'd go hiking with, you know my physical limitations."
"No I don't." He said. She shot him a glance across the car's console. He backtracked "I mean, like in the hiking sense I don't."
The conversation was brought around to his next therapy appointment, which was early the next month. "I don't think she's going to be happy about you."
"Me? You are talking to your therapist about me? What are you saying?"
"I'm going to tell her I've entered into a non-committed sexual relationship with someone."
She replied sarcastically "Ooooh, it sounds so sexy when you say it!" She softened and said "What do you think she'll say?"
He said "She won't want me to do it, and tell me that I'm just doing it for validation."
As they were walking out of the store, he said "I'm going to tell you something that you aren't going to be happy about, but I want to be honest."
She braced herself and went to the lowest common denominator...that he had given her an STD or something similar. It didn't turn out to be that, but why she wasn't invited to his movie nights on Sundays. It was because his roommate was still miffed about what Goldie had overheard, so it would be awkward if she was over there. He said "You can say I told you so if you want, you did call this I guess."
She kept silent, her brain churning out thoughts on how to process this. On one hand it was the roommates house too and she deserved to be comfortable in it. On the other, this was the same problem they had just fought for weeks over.
"You just not gonna speak to me now?" He said, not being able to take the silence any longer. She had been thinking so loudly in her own brain that she didn't realize she'd gone that long without speaking.
"I'm processing."
"You're angry."
"Well I'm not happy."
She started to think he would never stand up for her, never even be her friend. Maybe all he was seeking was physical validation from her. What validation was she getting? Just that she was still hot enough to fuck and nothing more. Sex is great, but the sex they were having wasn't even that great. He had mentioned he needed to start jerking off more to last longer, and she retorted that he owed her an orgasm for last time. He was, of course, keeping track, stating technically he was up by one. She corrected him and said he was up by maybe half. The first time she had almost orgasmed through penetration and really wanted to do that.
She felt like he wasn't ever going to look out for her or respect her. When she was at lunch with her friend, she was presented with options: drop the friend and just have sex, drop the sex and just be friends, or stop it all.
She had a decision to make. Part of her wanted to wait and see what his therapist said. Part of her wanted to end it right away before he could talk to his therapist.
She wasn't sure what she was going to do, but it did have to be something.
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