The Big Apple, Night 1 Part 1

 She arrived back at her apartment and tried the door.  It was locked.  KSL must have fallen asleep again and forgotten to unlock it.  She called him again, and he came to unlock the door.  He asked if he was still allowed to keep the car, she said fine but when he went to work to please leave her house keys so she could lock up.  She didn't want to take them with her on the trip but, desperate times.

She went to her room and fell asleep.

Waking up at noon, she checked her email for an update on her new flight.  Nothing.

She decided to just check the app, and found that her flight was due to leave at 1:30pm.  Panicked, she threw everything she needed back into her luggage and called a rideshare.  She looked around for her keys and found nothing.  KSL had forgotten to leave them for her, so she dragged her luggage up to the front office to ask them to lock the door behind her.

Silently she urged the driver to hurry.  At this rate she'd be getting into the city at 8pm and she'd been cheated out of an entire day with her cousin's exploring Brooklyn.  Of course her flight was delayed an hour when she got there, so she had breakfast in a small place just inside security.  She had a great chat with a woman about what content writers do, and then she was finally boarding her flight.

She didn't have the couple sitting next to her any longer, so she put up the arm rests, laid across the seats, and slept most of the way there.

Thirty minutes before landing she put up the window and looked out into the dark.  Lights started to pop up, and slowly the city came into focus.  She was filled with excitement, guessing that every skyscraper she saw was the Empire State Building.  She was finally right, and the plane gently made it's way into Queens, and JFK.

She knew it was time to be "on."  The City preys on weakness, senses it, and she needed to practice in the airport.  She walked quickly and with purpose, even though she wasn't completely sure where she was going.  Luckily the airport was set up well, and she was able to make her way to baggage claim.  She wasn't able to find exactly where her baggage was coming out and asked an attendant, perfecting her "polite but impatient" tone.  It worked, and she felt like she was succeeding already, even though she was still nervous.

She looked around at the people as she waited for her luggage, and noticed that there were many people that looked exactly like her cousins from New York, and her mom.  It was the first time that she realized that she'd never really been surrounded with people that looked like her before, even though she took after her dad's side of the family in her looks.  She still smiled like these people did, and a small part of her heart felt like she was home, even in the airport.

She made her way to the taxi line, and then made her way through Queens to Brooklyn.  She tracked on Google Maps, making sure she knew where she was at all times.  She drove through Queens thinking about The Nanny, Williamsburg thinking about the Humphrey's from Gossip Girl.  She was so busy staring out the window that she was shocked when the taxi slammed on it's breaks and the driver swore in a language she'd never heard before.

She looked up to see what had gotten in their way and went into Culture Shock.

Flight Delays

 It was finally time to go.  KSL dropped her off at the airport with her car, which she had promised he could borrow for the week.  This made her nervous but she tried not to think about it.  She had bigger things to be nervous about.

Her red eye was delayed an hour by the time she reached check in.  Then another forty five minutes.

At 1:30 am she was finally boarding the plane.  They walked around providing everyone with a "snooze kit" that contained an eye mask and some earplugs.  A cute little perk, but she was just anxious to get to sleep so that she could wake up on the other side of the country.  She needed to know that she was on the way.

Even though it was a dry evening, at 1:48am they announced they were de-icing the plane and then they'd be on the way.  The plane was packed full of people, and there was an elderly couple next to her.  She loved a window seat, so she propped her jacket up against it and tried to nap a bit before they made their way down the runway.

At 2am a disembodied voice informed them of tech problems with the plane.  They assured the customers they would be on their way shortly.

Soon enough 3am came around the bend with a "paperwork delay."  People were starting to get restless but they were tired, so it came out as just sleepy and grumpy.  A half an hour later and there were new tech issues on the plane.  The lights in the cabin kept flickering back and forth as if to prove the issue.

Finally at 4:45am, the flight was cancelled.  They told everyone to go down past security to check in to be put on another flight.  They couldn't say when the next flight would be, but she would get an email.

She dragged herself to baggage claim to wait for her freshly purchased luggage.  She had no one to call, and KSL had her keys so she couldn't even get into her own apartment.  She called him up, and he answered the phone very groggy.  She told him to please just unlock the door and go back to sleep.

She went to call an uber, and of course there were only 2 on the road and had been claimed by other people on the flight.  Defeated, she called The Ex and thankfully he was awake and getting ready for work.  He would come pick her up and take her to her apartment.

She sat down, put her feet up on her bag, and openly began to cry in the middle of baggage claim.  Would she ever get to the city?

4:45 flight delayed/cancelled

Leaving at 1pm in afternoon on app, didn't sent an email

Ushering In the New Year

"Don't panic, don't do anything stupid" She said to herself, obviously already panicking.

She had just been spending time by herself in the lobby, saying goodbye to the ushers who were walking out from downstairs at their Christmas Party.  She had promised the House Manager that she would attend but it was too many people in one space and she had to retreat upstairs.

An usher, an older lady who lived in her old building and she playfully called "Chanel Lady" because she was always wearing Chanel earrings and a purse, had come upstairs with her date and was clearly drunk.  CL walked right up to her and said "What are you going through?  I can tell these things, what is making you sad?"

She was taken aback by the question, as she was pretty content.  "I'm fine, thank you.  I'm really okay."

"You need a hug" CL decided, and before she knew what was happening, her entire face was now covered by the fur coat CL was wearing.  She was hugging her tightly and she was having trouble breathing.

Don't panic.

She kept her grip and told her that she knew something was wrong, so she was going to "pray with her" and started babbling vaguely Christian things about how Jesus sees her and wants what was best for her.  It felt like CL was raping her with her religion.

Finally after what seemed like forever, she let go.  She just said "Thank you, I just felt like hugging someone." and finally left.

She felt incredibly violated in her own workspace, and left shortly after.  There was a two week break just after this that made it easier to forget and be able to get back to work without it feeling like a place where she didn't want to be any longer.  She reported the incident to the big boss and to HR who found it to be harmless, which only made her feel worse.

Good Intentions, Bad Party

She had invited Mel to the work Christmas party.  The retirement party had gone so well that they decided they looked good dressed up together.

"After the Christmas party, I would really love to get some hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, hop in an Uber, and go around looking at Christmas lights for an hour.  How does that sound to you?" Mel asked.

She was incredibly touched by the gesture and said that sounded really nice.

When she got off work he said he was just leaving his house, so she said she'd change and meet him there.  She had poured herself into a dress of Goldie's and some high heels she never got to wear out even though she'd owned them for years.  She checked in and walked around saying hello to everyone she worked with, until Mel texted her that he had just arrived.  She stood up and went to greet him at the door and immediately noticed he was exhausted.

"Did you have a hard day at work?  Are you okay?"  Normally she would have been happy to see him but she knew something had happened.  It had.  His "friend" had an emergency and he had driven 20 hours in the last 24 to help her out.

He only had a plateful of food, said he didn't feel well, and went home instead of their plans.  She told him it was okay, he needed to rest.

But she had a feeling in the pit of her stomach, depression and low self esteem starting to flow through her veins like a cold liquid.  She wasn't prioritized enough, to anyone.  Mel didn't want a relationship with her, Nameless was content with the occasional text and hook up.

She wasn't worth it.

Retired Habits Die Hard

"So what time should I be there for your boss' retirement party?" Mel asked via text.

There had been a miscommunication.  She had sworn he had said that he couldn't come, that he would be busy.  "No, that was earlier this week.  I'm free."

She scrambled and got her plus one back on the same day, and told him it was supposed to be pretty fancy.

He showed up on time, looking great in a suit as always.  His new mountain man look sort of negated his nice suit, but at least he was there.  He had, in fact, showed up for her for once.

"You look so beautiful tonight!" He said upon seeing her.  She blushed, said that it wasn't really her at all.  A friend had done her makeup and her hair, she couldn't take responsibility for any of it.  "Hey, you look beautiful.  Just you."  She smiled at him and they headed inside.

As they sipped their beverages and caught up during cocktail hour, she mentioned to him again that she really liked seeing him in a suit.  He smiled and said "I like getting dressed up and going places with you.  I'm really glad you asked me.  I've missed you."

She knew it was a bad idea at the time, but when speeches were happening, they held hands under the table.  Both of them wished there was coffee, and suddenly after dinner coffee was served and they both basked in the glory of a caffeinated second wind to the night.

The band started up and she decided that was a good time to go to the ladies room.  He followed suit and they met up and went to the bar where he ordered another cocktail, and she just grabbed her water to sip on as they listened to the band.  Her boss was very excited to perform, but she was distracted by all the signals Mel seemed to be throwing her way.

He looked into her eyes and restated: "I've really missed you." His gaze darted from her lips back to her eyes, silently asking permission.  She leaned in for a small chaste kiss.

"You wanna get out of here?"

"Yes"

Mel had recently moved into a new place, and gave her instructions on how to get there.  She ended up following him most of the way, and was surprised in how close it was to her apartment, just down the hill.

His dogs jumped all over her in greeting, and she used his bathroom to change into a more casual outfit than the semi-formal dress she had on.  He had recently been to the spot they went to last Autumn and picked up some apple wine which they tried to enjoy with the dogs climbing on top of them.

They listened to some of his vinyl records since his wifi hadn't been set up yet, and waiting for the dogs to calm down before they resumed their kissing and fooling around.  Once it got a little too hot and heavy and he said he "I really want to take you back there to my bed" that she pulled away.  She had work the next day and had to be going.

And she wasn't about to get disappointed by their lack of sexual chemistry again.  They might be great make out partners, but they would never be any more between them than that.

Playing Catch Up

It had been one hell of a December.  Before she even realized what was happening, it was the middle of the month and she had been working 15 days straight, and would continue to the end of the month.

Now that she was at the end, everything was a blur.  The end of the last month had been tumultuous between her and KSL, but by the end of December it seemed to have leveled out again.  She sincerely hoped to stay there for awhile.  More and more she felt like she was just running out of friends, even though she still felt like she couldn't really trust him as much as she wanted to.

Being at Goldie's play was difficult because she was literally running over from work, running herself ragged, only to find that the BFF had made sure that other people were doing her job.  BFF made sure she wasn't available to contribute to the director gift from the cast.  One night she didn't even show up, only texting Goldie to give her a head's up.  No one missed her.

It was funny.  BFF was the one who introduced her to the Five Love Languages, and she went out of her way to take away her main love language; Acts of Service.  She felt absolutely helpless.  She recalled a conversation she and KSL had during one of their drives, where she told him she never felt like he needed her for anything.  Nothing to contribute=nothing to love.

She might as well become an actor with how low her self worth was.  Really she was just very, very tired.  She was fast becoming too tired to care.

On a date with Mel, she was trying to get him to open up with her, to confide in her.  They had been dating 6 months, and it had stayed really casual, with bursts of emotional intimacy.  He was a really sweet guy, but she was fast feeling like a burden to him.  She was not used to someone taking her out, paying for drinks and dinner, having dinner dates...but no sex, and no confiding from him.  She, again, felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, wasn't needed by him.

A friend of his died, and she offered to go to the funeral.  He said she didn't need to, and she addressed why he wasn't letting her in.  "I'm a mess...you deserve better than that.  It's a testament to how much I like you that I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you."

It hurt.  It cut through all the numb she was feeling.  On one hand, it was nice that he thought so highly of her that he didn't want to subject her to his shit show.  On the other, it was a rejection.  It hurt.  And the only difference between him and her Ex was that Mel understood what he was doing and wasn't going to take advantage of her kindness.

It still hurt.  How did she keep getting into these faux-lationships?  If he never wanted a serious relationship with her ever...then what were they even doing?  MG said she was doing "relationship" not with a lower case or capital R, but with a cursive R.  At least without the sex part it was easy for her to not get her heart completely broken.  Again.

Float Like a Butterfly...

When she was younger she used to babysit this snobby little girl.  The girl loved to pretend like she knew everything even though she was essential just a little girl.

One day they found a wasp stuck in her bathroom.  "Don't!" She yelled at the girl as she swatted at insect without any thought to her own safety.  She got stung and panicked.

Quickly her adrenaline kicked in.  She checked for a stinger, there wasn't one in her skin.  She put some ice on it and then called her mother.  "She got bit by a bee!" She screamed into the phone.

Her mother came and told her there wasn't any more to be done.  She had done a good job, taken care of the problem.

The child's mother came home soon afterward, and when she was recounting the story, she began to cry.  Sob.  Completely break down in the retelling of the traumatic event.

She felt the same the day after her latest play.  It wasn't the usual ennui or la petite morte she usually had.  It was a traumatic event she had gotten out of by the skin of her teeth.

The director had been mean, to other people and to her.  She had stood up to him, more than she ever needed to stand up to anyone.  It had been one of the most stressful and emotionally draining months of her life.  She felt like she needed to cry.  Sob.  Completely break down.

She was still traumatized by it all.  She couldn't do it.  She still felt like she was still in the situation, like the monster was hiding just around the corner.  Three small bruises on her arm showed his final strike, when he grabbed her and told her she was a "straight shooter" while gifting her with a cannon from the set.  She wasn't even sure it was his to give.

She couldn't relax.  Her entire body was sore, she didn't feel well.  Her body started reacting physically as the day wore on.  She needed to get food but couldn't get away from the bathroom.  Mel brought her food in-between his two jobs.  She told him he was fantastic.

Seeing Where It Goes

She went back through their texts and found that he liked peanut butter milkshakes, so she picked one up for him on the way to his house at 11:00 PM at night.  After a quick kiss hello, they stood by his kitchen with their liquid delights.

She had also brought tequila which he declined.  She had a shot and she talked about the rough day that she'd had.  The construction going on around her office was slowly driving her mad.  The beeping of the machines and the yelling of the workers while she tried to make phone calls was trying at best.  She was even starting to hear construction noises in her sleep.

His work had been so delayed before the holiday, and fires surrounding the area delayed him by a whole day of travel.  He hadn't even been in town for 24 hours and he was leaving the next day.

She gave him a pouty face and said "poor baby" as she moved towards him and kissed him.  He pulled her towards him as they kissed.  After a moment they broke apart and he laughed at her height, as he was almost as tall as she was standing as he was sitting on his barstool.

"I think maybe you are just too tall.  I think I'm the perfect size."

He grabbed her around her waist and said "Hmmm...maybe.  Lets take this to the couch."

After the teasing she had promised and stepping up the physical as much as they could while keeping their clothes on, he sighed that he should be going to sleep.  She asked when he needed to get going the next morning.  He said he had to be up by 5:00 AM to do a few hours of work before driving 4 hours to his other job for the weekend.

"Jeez, do you want me to leave?  I feel bad, you don't even get a few hours sleep before heading out again.  Why did you even invite me over?"

 "Hey...if I didn't want you here, you wouldn't be here."

She slept over again, if only for a few hours.  He was grumpy in the morning, and he stated again that he wasn't a morning person.

"I know.  It's adorable." She said as she kissed his cheek.  He kissed her goodbye and watched her cross his lawn before closing his door.

Getting the Job Undone

"Your insurance isn't valid.  I think your former employer might have canceled it."

Pre-Op was not how she wanted to get this news.  She didn't want to get this news at all.  She had worked out with her new job that she would be out for a week to recover.  Why would they cancel her insurance?

She texted her old boss to ask him what had happened, and he promised to look into it.  She made her way into work and told them of her potentially canceled surgery.

She was a little crushed.  She knew she could always reschedule in a few months with the better insurance that she'd get after her new job's probation was over.  But it would still be a great thing to be without her tonsils.

She couldn't really blame it on KSL that she'd gotten strep several times in the last year.  Obviously something was wrong.  The ENT had said that her tonsils were very large even when she was perfectly healthy.  He told her that it was most likely the cause of why she wasn't getting quality sleep, still getting sick all the time, not able to swallow and always having a bit of a sore throat.  Her dentist had even said that everything he could tell her to improve on was being caused by her tonsils, and having them out would solve everything.

And now, she was being forced to stay in the abusive relationship she had with them.  Her old boss texted her to call him when she was at lunch.

"So, the insurance agent called me back to tell me they canceled your insurance.  I'm not sure I should have been told that though, since they fired me before he could call me back.  Your other co-worker too."

"What?!?!  They fired everyone?  Oh my god, they fired both of you at the same time?"

"Yep, called us into the office together and everything."

She was in shock.  This was far too many things happening at once.  She called her surgeon and canceled her surgery.  She went to her new job and explained what had happened. She threw herself on their mercy, and they decided to let her work through the week and schedule her surgery for July, their slow month.  It was a long time to continue to suffer, but it was better than never getting them out.

She got major survivors guilt.  She got out without being fired, and they didn't.  She had a great job, one that would turn into a years long commitment, she hoped.  Her heart went out to them.

She felt like she was Indiana Jones, and the boulder was racing towards her.

Interview Jitters

"Are you nervous?"  Her boss asked her.

"Not really...I tend to interview pretty well.  I feel confident."

"You do interview really well.  You've got this, I'm proud of you for getting it!"

Really it wasn't her doing at all.  The producer of the play she was stage managing mentioned this job to her, and she sent in her resume right away, expecting to hear nothing back.  She got a phone call and an interview in less than 72 hours.

Her ex was also up for the job, and had told her that he "talked her up" while he was there.  She told him that wasn't very smart, he needed to fight for the job himself.

She was in the car on the way to the interview.  Things had been tense at work today and she was trying to put it out of her head.  Then her phone went off.

"The university just let me know that they have reviewed my program info and officially approved my graduation.  Confirmed might be more accurate."

There it was.  The reminder that she was, in fact, ineffectual.  She couldn't do this job.  She couldn't even get her own husband to care about his own damn life.

In a panic, she knew she needed someone to give her a self confidence boost.  Someone from whom it would matter.

"Ugh, because OF COURSE right before he knows I have an important interview he texts me reminding me of something he accomplished without me, making me feel ineffectual, the worst way to go into an interview.  Fuck him.  Now I'm going to fuck this up."

"You won't fuck it up.  He has no power over you.  You are a fucking badass and are gonna crush it."  KSL texted back a minute later.

She went in, and she was charming.  She was nice to the people that she met, remembered little details of things that people appreciated.  But she knew that she could have been more, and she not been shaken.

"Breathe.  You're alive." KSL texted.

"I know.  Thank you for the words of affirmation.  Much appreciated.   Fuck, just the damn timing on that.  I was fearless before that moment.  I knew I had it."

"And you still have it."

She wasn't so sure anymore.

When it Rains, it Floods

The river was rising fast.  Rocks she could see that morning were now being covered by the ever increasing current.  She was afraid to go and afraid to stay in her building...so she took the coward's way out and stayed.  Up on the higher floors she might be trapped, but nothing would be damaged.

The city was in chaos, everyone coming down to the river to watch it rush by, throwing pictures up on social media at alarming rates.  KSL had a rehearsal down by the river, and did some live video right at the base of her apartment...but he never texted her or offered to let her stay with him.  In fact, only PJ had made an offer for her to stay.  Not even BFF had offered her spare room.

She was feeling despondent.  Her job was in serious jeopardy, she could be laid off any day now.  She had her tonsillectomy scheduled for February, and she just hoped that her health insurance would hold out until then.  She was applying everywhere and getting nothing back.

She remembered a saying about how there are only three things in life that make up happiness: Career, Love, and Health...and you could never have all three at the same time.  One was always missing.

This time, she felt all three were missing.

She had gone on three dates, and all had deleted their profiles after dating her.  What was wrong with them?  What was wrong with her?

Right before she had gotten serious with Piz, she went on a single date with a guy she hit it off with right away.  She had taken to calling him The Pilot, since he owned his own planes and worked with drones.  They went out for AYCE sushi and hit it off right away, as friends.  He had sort of fallen off the face of the earth until texting her a Happy New Year, and the conversation had continued from there.

She asked him if their date had been bad, or if there was something that she was doing wrong.  He told her no, that he had a great time and she was one of the most normal, yet not boring people he's ever been out with.  And he had gone on a lot of bad dates.

It made her feel a little better, as she stood on the balcony and watched them clear the debris from under the bridge as the flood raged on.  Goldie did a live stream and she and Super Director provided some commentary.

In the end, nothing close to them got to the point of flooding, and all was okay.  She still went to bed wishing something would go right for her.

Desperately Seeking Validation

She had a chocolate bar in her fridge for weeks, left behind from a KSL trip to the capitol for coffee.  She didn't feel like eating it.  It struck her as very unusual that she didn't want chocolate.

The feeling was desolation.  She had no romantic prospects and woke up thinking about Piz every night, in the middle of the night.  She would cuddle with the pillow he used to get back to sleep.  She still couldn't figure out if she missed him, or the idea of him.

She couldn't figure out what kept drawing her to online dating.  She didn't find anything great last time, why try again?  She asked BFF which escalated into a fight that she shot down everything that BFF suggested that she do.  She was just trying to have a conversation, and there were so many other things she was angry at her about that she just gave up instead of fight.

This wasn't like her.  This was another, deeper level of depression.  She didn't even want to drink.

She had decided to spend time with her mom earlier in the week.  Her mom had asked her, several times, if it was really over between her and her ex.

"Mom...do you think that's what I deserve?  Do you think I deserve to stay with a man who doesn't love me?  You think I'm making a mistake?"  She had to ask this several times before demanding a yes or no answer.

"Well, I mean, I guess no." She finally answered.

She told KSL about it later.  "I just kinda need someone, but my mom especially, to be adamant about my worth.  I let this happen for a really long time because I thought I didn't deserve better.  And I waffle on that everyday, thinking I'm not good enough.  And it's just so easy to slip.  So easy to go from being okay with myself and being confident to thinking; if my mom doesn't think I'm good enough, why am I using up all this air?"

He messaged back "Stahp.  You are worthy.  You deserve love.  You are right to want someone who wants you.  Truly."

It made her feel a little better, but she was still just sort of devoid of emotion.  She got a surprise call from PJ on her way to rehearsal and gave him a lowdown of the feelings, and also added that she had decided to go for online dating again.  After a few hours of being back she had a message from a guy she was talking to previously, and a guy wanting to pay her to talk about farts.  It was just freaking fantastic to be back.

"I don't even understand why I'm doing it.  Validation I guess, like I need someone to pay attention to me, which is lame and silly.  I just feel like I'm so much better than this, I deserve better."

PJ was quick to respond, "Hey, it's me you're talking to, you don't need to make excuses for your feelings.  It's funny, I feel that way about work sometimes, that I shouldn't be working at a warehouse, I'm smarter than all of it.  And maybe that's it for you, maybe because you aren't getting the validation you need at work or have a significant other to turn to, it just ups the lonely factor.  I don't think you are doing anything wrong."

That almost brought her out of her malaise.

Estrogen Ellen

As the estrogen from the last of the birth control pills coursed through her body, she started thinking a lot about the end of her marriage.

She really missed him, missed their inside jokes.  She read through the marriage tag on the blog to remind herself of just how bad it had been.  Although it had been bad, she missed what they had together.

She was down to the last bit of cereal in her box, and was careful not to get the powder into the last bowl.

She failed.  The powder went into her cereal, and it was like her whole life fell apart.  She could almost feel the estrogen coming off her in waves as she sat on the floor and sobbed.

Her whole life was falling apart.  Her job was on the verge of ending, No one wanted her in a relationship, No one appreciated her for who she was.  She was always giving 100% and getting 0% in return from everyone.  No one gave her the credit she deserved.

And she needed to get her shit together, or she was going to be late for work.  She tried to calm down, dabbed at the tears so as not to ruin the makeup she had just put on, and cried all the way to work.

She parked her car, gave herself a little slap on the face, and rallied to go inside.

Later on in the day she would describe the event to her office manager, and they howled with laughter, so hard she started crying again at the absurdity of her off the charts hormone changes.

She hoped that it had finally broke and she was leveling out.  She couldn't take much more.

Spiraling

"It was a bad day.  There isn't enough alcohol in my house to get me through tonight."

"What happened?"

Work was bad.  Not "gonna get fired" bad, but she was basically in trouble for caring too much.  She did care too much...about everything.  No one ever appreciated how much she took on for everyone around her.

"...and now I wish I had four Vicodin."

"No you don't"

"At this point, yeah I do."

"Four would kill you."

"Nah, I don't have that kind of luck."

KSL has sent an emoji:

"What? I don't."

"If I didn't have rehearsal and a movie later I'd come and commiserate." 

"It's cool, I can be destructive by myself.  That's why they call it self-destructive."

"I'm sorry."

"Thanks.  I'm turning off my phone now."

She got home and had two mixed drinks and 3 shots of vodka.  It was around 5:30 that she drunkenly crawled into bed, setting an alarm for two hours.  She slept through the alarm and woke at midnight.  She turned her phone back on, and there was one text from him.  "I just checked my funds and I don't think I can make the Ikea trip this weekend."

She texted back "okay" and set her phone down.  When she came back to it he was making excuses and saying he'd like to go another time.  Then he asked "You alright?"

"No"

"Do I need to come over?"

"Need? No."

"Would you like me to?"

"I'm ambivalent."

"I'm downtown"

"Whatever you want."

 There was a knock at the door seconds later, he must have been in the lobby when he texted he was downtown.  He took one foot inside and enveloped her in a hug.  He took her by the hand and led her back into the studio, took off his shoes, and listened as she complained.  Despite her protests, he cradled her on the couch like a newborn, and she reluctantly put her head on his shoulder and talked it all out.  She had burned out 30% of her emotions out with her vodka nap, and about 20% having him there to hold her and listen.  She tried to remember his love language was physical touch, so he was helping her the best way he knew how.  She wished that he would remember one of hers was words of affirmation, but he wasn't her boyfriend.  It's all she really could expect from him.

Once she had gotten all her emotions out, the conversation turned.  They agreed to their rules: always use protection, all bets were off if they slept with another person, after a year they would go public and start to date if they were still doing their thing, until then; discretion.

And since they didn't have a condom between the two of them, they stayed up until 4AM doing everything but.  Since she hadn't orgasmed during their last encounter, he made it his mission to give her multiples that night.  She made sure that he got one of his own too.  She wasn't a monster.

Not a terrible way to end a terrible day.

Hopes, Wants, and Expectations

"What do you want?"

It was a loaded question she had been asked so many times in the last few months.  All by different people, all in reference to different things.

During her last show, a day or so after her separation, she was backstage getting ready for the next scene when she heard the main character say his line, desperately: "Tell me what you want."

It was the same thing her husband said to her during their separation.  It didn't matter what she wanted at that point...she wasn't going to get it.  She had stopped short when she heard the line ring out from onstage, and grabbed her chest from the impact.  KSL asked what was wrong, she shook her head that she couldn't explain at the time.  KSL would later say it to her in the heat of the moment.  It was breathy, intense, but the words still rang through to her soul.  "What do you want?"

What did she want?

The thing was that her hopes, wants, and expectations in what was to come for her were vastly different.

She hoped that KSL would listen to her, actually hear her and start to heal himself, see himself as worthwhile and worthy of her.  She hoped to see his wall finally come crashing down.

She hoped her husband would eventually pull himself up and be financially stable, for himself and not her.  She hoped that some day he would see where she was coming from, and forgive her.  She hoped that he would find someone else that supported him without enabling his past actions they way she had for too long.

She wanted KSL.  In her life, in her bed, with her.  She wanted him to want her with every fiber of his being instead of just being "attracted" to her.  She wanted to never take him by surprise when she wanted to kiss him, because he wanted the same thing.  She wanted him to be hopelessly devoted, while at the same time pushing HER to be a better person, taking walks with her and encouraging her to go to the doctor and be healthy inside her mind as well as her body, they way he had been.  She wanted him to care a little more than she did, for her own ego.

She wanted her job to be successful.  They seemed to like her, and she wanted more opportunities and to have one of her ideas take off and make the place a resounding success.  She wanted to be the one to do interviews because SHE had been the brilliant one.

She wanted to stay content in her studio apartment for this coming year, enjoying every last moment of her beautiful view while she could, and only sharing it with those she deemed worthy.

She expected that she would have sex with KSL at least once, if not a few times after he broke up with his girlfriend, before they went back to being friends or just stopped being in contact unless they were in a show together.  She expected his wall would remain firmly in place despite the sledgehammer she wielded.

She expected that her heart would break a little, but she would remain strong.

She expected that her husband would do enough to get by, and no more.  She expected him to eventually grow resentful of her and stop speaking to her, their initial friendship lost.

She expected that she would have this job for a long time, but it would not be the success it could be because they weren't willing to take a risk on her ideas.

She expected to survive all of these things, regardless of the outcome.

Spreading the Gospel

"So," she started, "There will be a guy calling to verify my employment, just to let you know." The office manager said "Oh yeah?  What's going on?"

"It's for an apartment."

"Oh yeah?  Did your husband get a job?"

"It's just for me actually."

The office managers face fell.  "Oh my gosh Penny, I'm so sorry.  Are you okay?" She pulled out a tissue and handed it to her.  It was premature; she didn't end up using the tissue except to shred it while she spoke.  She told her everything that went down the day they talked the previous week.

"I'm gonna be fine."

"Is this the first time you are going to be living by yourself?"

"Yeah.  Actually it is."

"That's actually pretty exciting!"

"It is.  I'm trying not to really tell anyone about the separation though."

Later on in the work day the new apartment came up in conversation.  Her boss asked her how much it was for a second parking spot in the building.  "Actually I'm only going to need one.  I'm moving in by myself."

Her boss and co-worker in the office were shocked, but made sure not to make a big deal out of it.  They were very nice.  They asked the right questions without prying too much.  They were very sympathetic, understanding, and supportive. They dropped the subject as soon as it was appropriate, and she felt safe.  She was so lucky to have found this place to work.

Carnage

After 24 hours of swirling thoughts in her mind, she still didn't know what feelings to settle on.  The office manager waived her into the office for a small chat, which lead to the ultimate question: "Has your husband found a job yet?"  It quickly spiraled into everything else that was wrong (minus KSL drama) and the office manager was super supportive.  She told her about her first marriage, and how happy she was with her second husband now.  Office manager told her "You are a great person.  You need to do this for you.  You don't deserve this."

She went home after work, she had nowhere else to go that day.  His car was in the driveway, and it was a dagger through her heart.  She suddenly realized it was now or never.  A rush of blood filled her ears, and her balance was suddenly off.

He crumbled.  He begged.  He forced her into agreeing that she would give him three weeks to get his shit together and get a job.  He said "We never should have moved back here" and she was quick to correct him that if they had stayed where they were, she would have killed herself.  By year 4 (out of 10) she was crying herself to sleep with how miserable she was there.  He obviously couldn't take it anymore.

"Is there someone else?" He asked.  In her head she wanted to say "Yes, myself."

"No," she answered half-truthfully.  She didn't expect to make a life with KSL, and this wasn't really because of him.  This had been going on for years. "You thought it was PJ or KSL didn't you?" She asked.  He nodded.  "No.  They are giving me something that I'm not getting from you however.  That's why I'm hanging out with them more."

They spoke a little more, and she held him for a long time.

"Why don't you go see a movie or something?" He said, basically telling her to get out of the house for a few hours.  She gathered the things she just laid down, and walked out the door.  She got into her car and drove down a block, and then pulled over.

She sobbed.  She had hurt him so much, and felt so terrible.  She also felt so free, like she was able to move forward for the first time in a long time.

She texted Goldie that she was coming over.

"What's wrong with the relationship is primal.  Your sex drive is based on having certain things provided to you, that's just how it is.  If you aren't being provided for, taken care of, the sex drive and love diminish."  It felt very anti-feminist to say, but it was very, very true.  She needed an alpha male, someone who would, at the very least, be an equal partner.  Someone who might be KSL, but might not. 

But right now she needed to just rely on herself.

Conservative Crocodile Tears

"When you get a minute come into my office."

Always the dreaded words.  It turns out the pants she was wearing into the office were considered "jeans" even though they were not made of jean material.  They were designed similar to jeans, but when she showed the office manager other slacks from the same site, the only pants that fit her well, she also deemed them jeans.  She was stuck.  Instead of picking up props for her show or props for the movie she was involved in, she had to do the dreaded thing and go shopping.

She cried in her car on the way there in anticipation.  She was disproportionate to everything in life, nothing fit her correctly.  She had short legs, wide shoulders, narrow hips, chicken legs, narrow feet.  Her whole body didn't go together, and it was rare she found anything that made her feel confident.  Now she was being forced to get new pants that would undoubtedly make her look like a distant cousin of Tweedledee and Tweedledum. 

Fortune did smile on her in the form of a store she had sworn off long ago because she got fat shamed.  They opened an outlet, and she was skinny enough now that she managed to fit into their second largest size.  She decided that she forgave them, if only to make her life a little less horrible in the moment.

She picked up two pairs of pants that dragged the floor even though they were considered "short" and were too loose in the hip area but a little snug in the stomach.  Her total came to $80, money she didn't really have.  Against her better judgement, she went into the next store and came out with a top she later regretted, a skirt, and a different pair of pants.  She tried not to think about the fact that in a few months it would be too hot to wear all of these things.  Tears welled up in her eyes as she exited the outlet mall, but she managed to keep them from spilling.  So much money spent to make her look frumpy.  She hoped her work was happy.

Six Things Away from being Amazing

 "I found the perfect pre-show music for the play!" KSL said to her, dropping his trademark backpack on the floor.  He told her the name and explained they didn't have an album yet but their songs were very 80's, and for kids who didn't really remember the 80's."

"So, us?" She asked with a smile.  He returned the smirk with one of his own.

"Pretty much, yeah.  Hey what is this?" He touched her necklace.  "Is it a wishbone? It's cute...here." he reached out and turned it around so that the clasp was on the back of her neck.

"Thanks, it's a rental.  It's going back, clearly if it can't stay still." She touched the wishbone to her own collarbone.

"A rental?  That one of those silly girl boxes that your type get?" His face was filled with fake disdain.
"I have to up the ante at work.  The shirt is from the same place."
"I like it, it's cute.  What's the brand?"
"I'm not sure."
"Come here," he grabbed her wrist gently and spun her around to check her tag.  "Summer and Sage...never heard of it.  Looks good on you though.  It's nice."

It was as close to a compliment that she was going to get with their relationship, which was like brother and sister, only with a bunch of harmless flirting inbetween.  Although they were both a little sexually frustrated at the moment due to two different issues in their respective relationships.

Later he approached her and gently moved the clasp back behind her neck again, brushing up against her ponytail for a brief second.  Their eyes met...then he booped her nose.

It was a fine line to walk, but she was sure she would keep her balance.

Later she sent him a text:
"I listened to Runaway.  You are right, it's so perfectly 80's, I love it."

"Yay"

Mamma Mia

"Did you make this?" her mother sneered, holding the application she had altered for work and given to her as a favor to a friend.

"By all means, tell me how to do my job mother."

Anyone else would take that as the sarcasm as it was, but her mother plopped down on the couch and started reading into the paper.  Sighing, she prepped for the criticism and paused the Netflix she'd been trying to watch for the last 3 hours.  For the last 3 hours her sister and mother had been sniping at each other, mostly picking the one room she was in.

She hadn't gotten a moments peace except for a half hour of folding laundry, where she discovered that 1/3rd of her clothes had gone missing.  Her sister's clothes had gone missing too, no doubt her mom had "helped" and now they were lost forever.  One of her new sweaters for work was in with the missing.  Still her mother won't accept that she has a problem with her health or her hoarding.  She needed to get out of this house.

In the end the things her mother found fault with in the application were just things she didn't understand, and she didn't think it looked professional enough.  It wasn't good enough.  She wasn't good enough.

She got it, mom.

She needed to move the hell out of that house.  She longed for time to pass and lots more paydays to fill her bank account with her escape money.