Not Quite Right

 She couldn't figure out why she felt so uneasy.  This should be exciting.

She wracked her brain for the reason why she didn't feel right.  Maybe it was that they hadn't been communicating much since April. Even though that was the most fun she's had with him, maybe it was just that it might not get better.  Or maybe it's because it was 10:45 at night and he hadn't texted her yet.

He'd gone out for drinks with his colleagues and some students and it had ran later than he thought it would.  He invited her to just come directly up to his room.  It made her feel cheap, but she had gotten all dressed up and then starred up at the ceiling for the last hour.  It should be worth something right?

His hotel didn't have a parking garage, so she walked from another garage at night.  He came down and peaked his head out of the elevator to let her up.  He let go too early and the elevator door crashed into her arm as she tried to enter.  "I should've stayed home." She said.  He insisted he tried to keep it open.

The room was big and had a great view of downtown.  "I can see my car from here!" She joked.  He poured her a whiskey that was so strong she had to close her eyes to drink.  They chatted on the chairs for a bit, and she went over to pour him a whisky.  She didn't want one for herself since it seemed his AC was broken and she was already a bit overheated.  He said it had been that way his whole trip but he didn't have time to go down and complain.  He liked it colder than she did, so she was a bit surprised.

She took the opportunity to show him the top she'd bought for the occasion that looked a bit like ropes.  It was something he'd mentioned previously, and he commented how bold she was to be wearing it just over a wrap and pants.  At some point she went over and laid down on the bed and he chastised her for going over to "his bed" "without permission."

After a bit of fooling around he got up and went over to his luggage and they both lost the rest of their clothes.  She was stretching on the bed with her back to him, and suddenly he was behind her.  It was forceful and unlike how it usually was between them.  It hurt, but he had her pinned to the bed in a way that she could barely speak.

About 3/4's of the way through, he jumped up and said "shit" and walked over to his luggage.  She asked what was wrong, and he said he had seen her with her ass up on the bed and just went over and forgot the condom.

Her heart felt like it took on an underwear quality, and she felt a lump in her throat.  She'd never had unprotected sex before, and she thought he was over at his luggage getting the condom and just trusted it.

As she snapped back to reality she realized he was fumbling with the condom so they could continue, and she asked what the point was.  He reacted poorly, and they went back and forth for a bit before she suddenly realized what was different.

"How drunk are you right now?" She asked him.

"I'm pretty drunk.  I probably shouldn't have had that last whisky."

He was drunk.  He forgot the condom.

And 3 weeks later when she got her STI test results back, negative, she wondered if she'd be able to forgive him.

Whisky on the Ropes

"How long has it been?" Nameless asked, interrupting himself mid-conversation.

"Since we've seen each other?  About a year." She replied.

"Damn." He took a sip of his whisky.

They were at his bar hotel, a better bar with better whisky for him.  It was the hotel where her ex worked, so she had decided to sit with her back facing the entrance and pretend to be a different person. 

They caught each other up on the past year.  She told him about how she'd moved in with a friend for a bit and was now at the cottage that she'd have to leave soon due to the no AC and the landlord who promised to install it and then reneged.  She told him about a potential job opportunity at the University she had applied for.  He was struggling with a career decision.  He could continue doing the work he was doing until it ran out, or he could move to DC and start lobbying for the work to be done.  He didn't want to move to DC but was having a hard time seeing much of an alternative.

She tried to order a drink that he made fun of.  She chided him and told him to just order for her, since she was so bad at it.  "You are, you are a terrible order-er.  Great drinker though."

They called it after her second round, his fourth.  He signed the receipt, thanking the government for the gracious per diem he got for the day.  He said "Let's get back to the room" as if she'd been to the room before, as if they'd come together.

They got a bit lost looking for the room, as it was in a tower that was tricky to get to.  They had to go up and then down several different elevators to get there, and they were both too buzzed to get there with any sort of urgency. 

Finally they reached the tiny room, used the bathroom as was their custom.  The kisses, as always, were wonderful.  After some clothes came off he shared "I have a surprise for you." 

"Oh?" She raised her eyebrow.

As it turned out, he listened more than she ever thought he would.  She had been engaged in a spicy text conversation with him a few months prior where he had said that she seemed like the type who would enjoy whipping someone, and she said she might but she had wanted to be tied up first.

He had brought rope.  Not just rope, but some of the softest rope she'd ever felt.  When he was done he told her she looked good all tied up.  It made her blush and he laughed at how easy she was to compliment.

The sex was pretty great, in fact it wore her out and energized her all at the same time.  He was worn out and took a shower as soon as the sex was over.  She gave him a hard time about it, saying that aftercare should be a thing, even if he wasn't into cuddling.  He didn't want to and put up a bit of a fight, but eventually laid on the bed and spooned her for a bit.  She turned around when he stated it had been more than 5 minutes he promised, and buried her face in his chest.  He let her stay there another 5 minutes before asking if she was going to stay the night.

"You're too cranky in the morning.  If you are going to leave me and move to DC I want to remember you like this." She said.

She got up to get dressed and go to the bathroom.  When she got out he was fast asleep.  She took a long look at him, wondering if this was the last time.

Then, just like last time, she went over to kiss him on the forehead, but not enough to wake him.  She hit the lights on the way out.

When she was settling into bed she got a text from him.

"I passed out while you were in the bathroom.  Sorry.  Did you make it home safe?"

"For a casual encounter once a year, he sure was nice about everything" she thought.

A few days later, she was offered the University gig.  It was the greatest week she'd had in awhile.

Sex Injuries

 It had been a whole pandemic since she had really talked to Nameless.  Every once in awhile she thought maybe he had been in an experiment that wiped his phone so she would reach out to him to catch up.  It was never more than a few exchanges and back to radio silence.

So she was surprised to see a text from him saying he was finally back in town for an experiment at the University and staying at a new hotel.  She flirted with him saying that she'd always wanted to see one of those rooms.

A few days later they were having dinner in the fancy restaurant at his hotel.  It was strange seeing him again after so long, but they quickly dropped right back into their usual back and forth.

Midway through dinner he said "You've changed.  You're sad.  What's going on?"

She joked with him that he just hadn't let her get a word in yet.  Then she said "One of the last times we saw each other was when I was moving in with that guy, KSL.  It was very emotionally abusive, and then the pandemic happened.  I've sort of been through it.  I'll be fine soon enough, I'm moving out.  But it's really been a lot and I haven't really been happy in awhile."

He asked about other relationships, and she told him that since him she'd only had one new sex partner.  He was shocked and told her she needed to get out more.  She laughed and she said "Maybe in-between pandemics I'll try."

They finished up dinner and headed to the hotel bar, which he found to be severely lacking in his favorite drink, whisky.  She smirked and told him to get into her car where she drove him to the new whisky bar.  He walked in and said immediately he was in trouble.  "Why did you bring me here, you are evil." She smiled, told him that she was driving so he could have all the fun he wanted.

He was about $150 into enjoying himself when he decided to strike up a conversation with the couple next to them.  After awhile she realized he was going to keep talking to the guy, so she struck up a conversation with his wife.  She was really enjoying the conversation when she saw he got up to go to the bathroom.  On his way back he passed her and smacked her ass.  Somehow she knew he was going to do that, and she smiled and said goodbye to the wife, as she obviously had to get him back to his hotel.

He was unsteady on his feet walking back to the car, so she looped her arm into his as they crossed the street.  He said he was worried that he'd gone too far drinking and "might not be much fun" once they got back to the hotel.  She said she had faith that even if they didn't end up doing normal things she was still down to spend the night.

He seemed to forget how drunk he was once they got to the room.  It wasn't long before the lights were out and their clothes were all over the room.  He seemed to worship her body in a way no one else had ever done, and she felt and enjoyed their connection while at the same time feeling nostalgia for it.  The way he touched her made her feel electric and desired, an emotion she wasn't ever going to get used to feeling.

It was sure to end at some point, but it had been almost 6 years since their first "date" and it had always felt like this, at least since their first sexual encounter.

After a bit of fooling around and trying some new things between them, he exclaimed he was a little too drunk to continue, but said he would most likely wake her up in the middle of the night and want to go again.

"Say no more" she stated.  He rolled over to go to sleep.  She felt funny sleeping completely naked, but all she was able to find in the dark was his shirt.  She slipped it over her head and fell asleep.

She was actually the one to wake up in the middle of the night and get a little anxious for more.  Snuggling up to his back, she started kissing his neck and biting his earlobes, something she knew for a fact drove him crazy.  He was instantly awake and he was excited he almost forgot the condom.  They were going for it for a second time in a row when he suddenly cried out and rolled off of her.  He exclaimed that he'd blown out his knee.  She asked if there was anything she could do, and she got him some painkillers from his bag and talked him through the pain.  

Once he was okay she laughed a bit.  "You got a sex injury.  Good for you buddy!"

They fell back asleep until her alarm went off to get back home for work.  She got dressed and used the bathroom as quietly as she could, then roused him a tiny bit, careful not to fully wake him up, to say goodbye.

"I'm heading out.  Bye." She dropped a kiss on the top of his head, the only thing really visible from under the covers, and headed out.

The Work is to be Grateful

"Dude, I am the absolute epitome of sexual frustration.  Plus I really miss you." She text Nameless.  She knew it was a little risky to expose that she felt literally anything for him.

"Hahahaha...I mean I am sorry."  Was his reply.  He said he was sure she was still playing the field  She countered with her tale about The Final Straw and how she deleted the dating apps.  He said it was few and far between on his dating scene as well, but it was a strange conversation.  Because they took so much time in-between talking she didn't think anything of it and moved along with her life.

A month or so later he was coming into town, but said he'd be available later in the evening.  She said that she would make dinner plans and just wait for his text.  He texted that he'd have to cancel and would explain later.  He drunk texted "I was not expecting this" and then didn't text her back for 14 days.

"The main reason I bailed was because I had had a date.  I thought it the best thing since I didn't trust myself to just 'hang out' with you (I am a guy and all).  I was out late with a handful of professors and got drunk...I even drunk texted you, sorry."

"So then why did you even tell me you were coming into town? Just wondering." She replied.  She was almost happy she was out with her ex and his best friend and highly distracted from the conversation where she was losing her beneficial situationship.

"I made plans with you before I even met her.  It was only the day before I left that we confirmed a second date.  It all happened kinda qick.  Next I was up there and realized I needed to cancel...like I said said, sorry."

"Dude, we aren't exclusive.  You don't have to be sorry, just be a bit more open and honest would be nice.  So did you end up seeing her?"

He fumbled through multiple messages: "Not sorry for that..fuck I know that...sorry for last minute canceling.  And yeah I've seen her a few times now.  I actually meant to talk to you later that week about it.  Didn't want to jinx it...you know.  But I've been busy with work, this new experiment is a shit show.  I have to play captain save a hoe and fix it.  And I kinda have...a little."

She stopped responding for the night, she was distracted by the conversation she was having in front of her.  It was still emotionally difficult to be with her ex.

When she got home she re-read the messages and started to cry.  It was the dishonesty and leaving her on read that really upset her.  KSL listened to her bitch and get upset while he busied himself in the kitchen.

The next morning she sent the text "Sorry I was out with friends last night so I didn't give this my full attention.  It's been fun, and I hope it works out with your experiment and this girl."

He never texted back.

She started on a bit of a man-hating spiral.  The only male influence she got on a regular basis was her ex, who gave her puppy dog eyes of hurt every time they spent time together, and KSL was so down on himself about never being in a relationship again that she was starting to think every man was like this.

Think, no, believe every man was like this.  All those romance novels, the movies, the real life relationships she saw...it was all bullshit.  KSL was right.  It was never going to happen because it didn't actually exist.  It was a lie she thought was going to happen.

She was getting into some serious man hating when she stumbled upon a New York Times Modern Love article.  "I'm not sure if we fall in love with people, or if we fall in love with the way they make us feel."

This gave her pause.  This wasn't really about Nameless at all.  In fact, the reality was as a demisexual and an empath she was indeed just addicted to the way people made her feel.

The article continued:

"It's about honoring what happened.  You met a person who awoke something in you.  A fire ignited.  The work is to be grateful.  Grateful every day that someone crossed your path and left a mark on you."

She decided to do the work.

She remembered how funny it was that he had come back around in a way that she managed to go out on a date with him without knowing his name.  She remembered how great their conversations were.  He would take her out to nice dinner and let her rage about how the local theatre system was broken, and the steps that needed to be taken to fix it.  He would listen, really listen.  He knew when she was being serious and when she was being funny, and walked alongside it effortlessly.  He didn't pull away from her whenever she got closer to him.  He read her in a way that no one else had for a long time, while still being himself.  Their balance had been perfect.  Why let the end sour all that?

She thought back, not to their sex or intimacies, but to a small moment when they had exited a bar to move on to a more quiet run, and just walked along in a comfortable silence in the rain, hand in hand.

The Idea of Something

"If I could re-do any part of my life...like if I died and I could come back and re-do any decade of my life, I would re-do my 20's."  KSL said.

"I wouldn't re-do anything.  I'd just be glad it was finally all over." She replied.

She had come to terms that now she was 100% alone.  She took comfort in the fact that Nameless had wanted to meet up with her, and was really sweet and comforting about the end.  In fact, it was almost a relief that it ended this way.

Because in the end it all just seemed not real.  3 years of dates.  Flirtations.  Kisses.  Sleepovers.  And sex. 

And so much time alone in-between.  Almost so much time that she forgot about him, about their connection.  Whenever he came around again he was always sweet, always "making up" the time they spent apart.  Their sense of humor gelled.  He could make fun of her and it never made her feel bad.  Their Love Languages were similar, so their time together, however short, was always meaningful.

She thought of their harmless conversations about her coming up to Portland with him for a weekend, or how if she was making 3 figures how he'd quit his job and be her "house husband."  Lots of fun talk for something that was never meant to be.

Maybe if they'd spent more time together it wouldn't have worked out.  His need to keep the bedroom cold would have gotten to her, they'd become short with one another during talking.  But they never really would.

It had been a perfect casual relationship because there had been time and space to romanticize it.  In the end, it was the idea of something that had been perfect.

Reading about romance, writing about romance, was so wonderful.  So heart-warming.  To imagine someone being there and loving her and thinking she was wonderful.

Imagining kept her safe, so she preferred it.

Tryst Less

"You need to see it.  You need to sit down with your husband and watch it." The customer insisted.

"Well, I don't really have one of those anymore but I can watch it alon--"

"Watch it with your boyfriend then."

She caught a sigh mid-air, and said evenly "I don't have one of those either."

"Okay, your girlfriend."

She gave up.  "Okay."

Later that evening she came home to the singles box that she canceled in January on her porch.


The universe was really hitting it hard how single she was.  It was starting to sting.  This was usually around the time that Nameless came around to pull her out of her slump.  This time however, he also had a curveball for her.

"Well everything got pushed up.  I have been making edits on my dissertation and at the same time working on my presentation.  I really can't think of anything else.  Been so tired.  Company is also interested in me heading up a big project, so I might be moving again."

Two states over.  He was moving two states over.  Even though they hadn't seen each other in months, she was still a bit devastated.  She suddenly realized how not alone she felt with his shadow, his non-existent existence, always in the back of her mind.  For the next two days she was bummed out, processing the emotional hole he would leave in her life.

But he would be up once more, in a few days for his presentation and turning in his dissertation. 

"Time for one final tryst?" She asked.

"Hahahaha...I don't know yet.  I am trying to get my presentation done.  I have to review it with my advisor and practice it.  If he doesn't have any changes he wants me to make I might have a little time."

She curbed her expectations.  What he was working on was a big deal and she suggested seeing him after it was over.  "I wish I could stay," he responded "I am flying out Saturday to head back east for an experiment.  I would really like to be able to grab a drink and have that final tryst (as you put it).  If I can get this done I am down.  I couldn't be an all night thing though.  I have to talk for an hour and I will need to practice multiple times at night and early in the morning."

Her heart melted a little bit.  He wanted her to stay over but knew he had to concentrate.  It was really very sweet of him to be straightforward about her staying, which she never would have done anyway.  As much as he was sweet about her staying, he was always running too hot to cuddle throughout the night, and he was always grumpy in the morning.  Staying over was cute when they weren't having sex together, but ever since they'd started, it hadn't gone well.

The night he was in town he said he'd text.  A little before 9pm he texted.  "I am still fumbling around with this and need to work on it more.  I don't think today is going to work unless I make some serious head way soon."

"I am sorry...I was really looking forward to one last tryst.  But who knows I could be back sometime."

She smiled.  It was bittersweet.  She wasn't happy that the last time she saw him wasn't going to be the last time.  This wasn't like with Piz, when it felt like she was neglected.  He had kept her up to date and wanted to meet up, it just wasn't in the cards.  She was really going to miss him.

She had decided she would finish her dinner, then text KSL and ask him where his was on his bus route and go pick him up.  Before that could happen, he walked in the door.

"Hey, I was--" He cut her off.  Apparently he had a rough day, his mom had picked him up and taken him shopping and dropped him off at home.  She tried to ask him what had happened and he continued to cut her off.

Cool.  What a masculine trade-off.  Turns out in the end she wasn't alone at all.  She was worse.

Holiday Trysting

Scheduling had been a real bitch between her and Nameless.  They ended up going almost two months without seeing each other due to his schedule always coinciding with her period.

Finally they were able to make a date work.  Well, an evening.  In order to make it work he was driving up late one night, and had an 8am meeting the next morning.  He got them a hotel room, and texted that he could be later than usual, around 10:30 at night.

She ended up downtown waiting for him at Goldie's place watching the dog with SD.  They turned on White Christmas, made hot beverages, and talked about making "Sisters" their newest karaoke duet that they'd never perform together.

Finally Nameless texted that he had arrived.  She said goodbye to a very sleepy SD and got into Nameless' incredibly tall truck.  She struggled to get into it as he laughed at her.

She could tell he was tired though.  He had just drove 2 hours after working a full day and right before that he had just flown in from across two time zones.  Regardless, they checked into the hotel and went to grab a drink from the nearest non-smoking bar.  After catching up and buying each other 1 round each, they decided it was time to head up to the room.  It was strange how they always needed a period of adjustment to get used to each other, to remember they were attracted to each other and not just strangers.

They had also been sexting a lot lately, and she was a bit concerned how much of it he actually wanted to put into practice and how much was just talk.  She was a little bit nervous.  He actually made a joke if she brought anything to get tied up with, and she did say she brought her scarf just in case.  He laughed and said he was just kidding, and she wondered what else he was kidding about.

Maybe she had just waited too long for him to arrive, but even two drinks later she wasn't feeling it at all.  Her spirits lifted a little when he finally reached out to her and kissed her.  She was more comfortable in a one on one space with him anyway.  She had to wonder if that was a KSL holdover, trying to pretend like they weren't anything when they were in public together.  Mel was the only one who was prone to PDA out of the fauxlationships she'd had the past few years.

It wasn't long before they were both kissing and tearing clothes off.  She was suddenly acutely aware that he was always on ripping her pants off, but didn't bother with anything else most of the time.  She took it upon herself to get her top and bra off, and he didn't say anything one way or the other about it.  He was actually very attentive, and for a few quick moments she thought he had maybe forgotten about his no oral rule, but he would always end up moving away as she was getting excited for anything to happen.

As per their discussions, she 'begged' him not to stop, thereby causing him to get too tired to finish in the middle.  Stating he just needed a small break, she teased him saying it was his fault for asking her to tell him not to stop.  "Well, I hope you got yours already" He said, causing her to near-snort with laughter.  He was a man of science, surely he didn't think she was just spontaneously orgasming.  It must have been the rock n roll past where girls would just lie to him without reason.

As he rested a moment her mind wandered to how KSL always said that he would make sure the girls would get theirs before he got his.  She shook her head violently as she realized what she was doing.  Why was she in the middle of a sexcapade thinking about him?  Thinking about how well he would be treating her at that moment?

Soon they were back again for round two, and it was just as great as it had always been.  Until he suddenly stopped, and stated that the condom had fallen off for a second.  When they tried a different position he joked it had been "easier when the condom fell off" and she suddenly didn't really feel safe anymore.

It was late when all was said and done and he went quickly to sleep.  She found it hard to drift off, her thoughts going back again to people who treated her a bit better.  There weren't many.

She'd waited months for this encounter, only to feel more alone than before.

Plans Meant to be Broken

Nameless: "The...mainly tying you up, bending you over and giving you a spanking...and maybe if you beg just right giving you those little bites you like all over your body."

"Hmm, when exactly will you be doing all this exciting stuff to me?"

The date wasn't ideal.  Her body wouldn't be down for sex that week.  "Am I still cute even if you can't have sex with me when you come?"  She asked.

"Well I guess.  At least you can be my drinking partner." He responded.  She rolled her eyes.

A few weeks later, and he wasn't coming after all.  "Boss just put me on a new experiment...I will be busy for the next few weeks.  I also won't be up until after Thanksgiving now."

She was disappointed, but put it out of her mind.

Goldie brought up the weekend and her plans on Friday, and she had told her that her plans had been canceled.  She ended up committing to dog-sitting.

A few days later, another text from Nameless.  "I was thinking about you last night.  I was thinking about the last time I saw you..then about some of the things we talked about that may or may not be done to you the next time I saw you."

"You were being naughty and thinking about restraining me?  That's an exciting thought."

He responded "I was just thinking about stuff like that.  I wish you could fly up to Portland with me next week.  Wednesday through Friday.  You should fly up...just take these days off."

She smirked to herself.  She really enjoyed their tête-à-têtes.  Just his text tone could make her smile.  She was so happy that she got the occasional words of affirmation from him.  She was slowly realizing that she was never going to get everything in one man...so this might be a good start.

Sweet Surrender Part 2

"Usually I get an upgrade with the government money, but no go on this one.  Just your basic room."  He said as they entered, then excused himself to the bathroom.  She took her shoes off and put down her purse.  She picked up her skirt to check the view out the window when he came out and commented she was sure making herself at home taking off her shoes already.

She smirked at his ribbing and took her own trip to the bathroom.  When she got out he had shoes off and was collapsing into the uncomfortable sofa.  He held out his arm, almost unconsciously for her to join him.

Her shoulder tucked under his arm perfectly, and he kissed the top of her head as she settled in.   He brushed her hair aside and gently stroked her bare neck.  She moaned softly and snuggled deeper into him.  "You always smell so good.  It's your beard."  He replied that it was his beard oil, sandalwood.  She sighed and expressed again that it was a bummer that he wasn't coming back.  After awhile he complained about the couch and she suggested they just move over to the bed.

They put the pillows at the other end of the bed and turned on the TV, complaining about how weird it was to be watching regular TV.  She sat up and rubbed his back and neck as they watched an old episode of a show.  They were only a few minutes in when he pulled her into a spooning position, no longer looking at the TV.  He started kissing her neck, and asking her if it was okay.

"Mmmhmm.  I thought you were too tired for this."  She said, reaching back to caress the back of his head.  "What can I say, your body woke me up.  You like this?" He asked, his hands roaming down her leg and around to her rear.

He made a surprised sound when he realized that under her long skirt she was not wearing any underwear.  In fact the only thing she'd left on was her bandelettes that were lacy on the outside and he deemed "extremely sexy."

She was shocked as he reached down and started rubbing her clit.  He'd made it pretty clear that oral wasn't something he was willing to do, so she sort of assumed from the time before that this was also off the table.  She was almost touched that he was stepping outside his comfort zone for her.  She rocked with his motions and let the physical tension build.

He finally spun her around and they had sex for hours, almost falling off the bed a couple of different times.  His stamina was incredibly impressive, and they both cried out several times that they didn't want it to stop, ever.

Eventually, of course, it had to. They laid in each other's arms for awhile, kissing and allowing their breathing to slow to a normal pace together.

He said he wanted to see her at least once again during that trip.  They tried, but it never ended up working out.  She said she would try and find a good time to drive down and visit him, but she couldn't really gauge if he thought that was a good idea or not.  She decided she'd wait a month and text to to see where he was at.  She'd gone and gotten herself a little attached, but not as badly as she had in the past.

It was a great middle ground.

Sweet Surrender Part 1

A month after their last meeting, a text popped up from Nameless at 5pm: "Sorry it has been very hectic.  Been on travel from Vegas to Texas.  Just got in from Texas last night and drove up this morning.  I'm in town for the next 2 days."

They decided that in a few hours when she got off work they would meet.  She went to the bathroom and immediately assessed how she looked in the mirror.  Better than expected, though her sunburn was still radiating heat.  She took a painkiller and went about the rest of her day.

By the time they met up they were both starving and ended up at the steakhouse inside the hotel he was staying in.  He commented that she looked tired, and she said she was just a bit wiped from the sun she got that weekend.

"You didn't have to come out tonight if you were tired" he said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Are you kidding?  And skipping out on a night with you?  Who knows when we'd have another chance between our two schedules.  And I wanted to see you."

"Yeah, especially since they just de-funded my project here.   Now I don't even have an excuse to come back occasionally, except maybe for fun."

Her heart sank.  This really was potentially the last time that she would see him.  "You don't have time for fun."

"I might, later on after my thesis is complete.  I might get some more free time."

She was quiet, then said softly "This is a bummer.  I'm really going to miss you."

He agreed.  "I was really disappointed.  There were so many factors that made it really sad, you being one.  A big one actually."

She felt her cheeks get hot and thanked her new tan for hiding it from him.  He did catch her smile, and didn't call her out on it.  It was a really nice moment between them.

The steak was great but the service was lacking, and she pointed out later that he seemed like the tired one now.  He agreed, and she asked if he just wanted to go back up to his room and call it a night.  He answered "Yeah, but with you."

She followed him up to his room after dinner.

Sex In A Different Bed

She and Nameless decided to go to the bar at the base of her old building, since it was so close to where he was staying.  She assumed incorrectly that they had a good beer menu, and he decided to order a cocktail when he realized she'd been wrong.

After arguing about Marvel movies, who was the best Batman, Why a movie was a best Batman, the differences between "masculine" and "feminine" and him bullshitting with the bartender, he asked her if she wanted another drink.  She declined, again stating that at some point she was going to need to drive home.  He was again disappointed that she wasn't staying, and she told him with all the last minute she didn't have time to prepare.

He had one last beverage, she enjoyed her water, and then they walked back to the hotel.  The evening had been so wonderfully nice; good food, good conversation, great drinks. He listened to her, respected her opinions, but was able to debate and throw down when need be.  Even though their hang out sessions had been rare, they had finally maintained an ease.  She leaned into his towering 6' 2" frame as they got into the elevator, and he maintained the closeness.  She wasn't used to someone not pulling away, emotionally or physically.

She checked out the view, which was just her old view but closer to the ground.  They were suddenly kissing, the act was so fluid she didn't even remember it starting.  It felt so familiar and warm, as if they had been doing this all along.

Emotionally and physically they both knew where the other one stood.  He would only be in town occasionally, the worry of any sort of relationship was alleviated by the fact that he no longer lived in town.  It was the perfect casual encounter.  He was attentive both before, during, and after.  It was exciting, wonderful, and she felt like her heart was also in a safe place. 

When she said she should be heading home, he again chided her for not packing a bag, then walked her out to the corner where her car was parked.  He gave her a quick kiss goodbye, and she road the high for a long while.  They tried to meet up again the same week but the schedule didn't work out, so she said to just let her know a week beforehand in the future so she could clear her schedule.

Then the radio silence started up again, but she didn't mind at all.

Shall We Move On?

"Next week I'm at the downtown hotel...right next to your old place."

"I always wondered what the view looked like from there"

"Hahahaha...so you are inviting yourself to my hotel room?"

"I'm not inviting myself anywhere, just saying I was wondering about the rooms."

"Ha, you were totally inviting yourself, but that's okay.  I have no problem taking you up to the room."

She admitted she might have been inviting herself.  After all she was the one who had convinced Nameless that she wouldn't be having him in nature.  He had wanted to forgo the hotel and camp and invited her to join him. She informed him of her extreme princess status and how the outdoors was not a friend of hers.  It didn't take much convincing for him to book a room.

A few weeks later he was texting that he was in town.  After some back and forth they finally decided to meet up at the last minute downtown after she got off work.

She moved her car and they met up at the base of his hotel.  He side-hugged her and hustled her off to dinner, explaining he was starving.  They'd never had anything more than a few tapas together before and she was shocked at his actual hunger.  She got to explain to him that MP on the menu for the steaks at the restaurant stood for "Market Price." He declared himself too hungry to care and told her to order anything she wanted.

Two Market Price Steaks and two Old-Fashions later, and he opted for a third drink and she had some dessert.  He let her wax poetic about what was wrong with the local theatre scene, and what she would do to fix it, if she was going to stay in it.  As it currently stood, she didn't think she was going to attempt it again.  It hurt her heart too much to keep going with people not valuing her opinion or effort, or giving her a chance to direct.

Besides, she was having such a great time having downtime at the moment, otherwise she wouldn't be able to meet up with Nameless.  Hell, she'd had so many other friend commitments she had barely met up with him anyway.  She deliberately didn't make plans for two nights that week.

"Shall we move on to a bar?" He asked.  "I don't know how many other drinks I can have, I still have to try home tonight." She responded.

"You didn't pack a bag?"

So Long, Farewell

"How was your test?"

"Postponed.  Got two more projects I'm working on."

"Busy busy dude.  I don't know how you do it, I'd go crazy."

"Well the traveling is going to change soon.  My boss told me that I will be coming back to the city by the end of August."

4 hours away.  There would be no reason for him to come back to visit, he had no family or actual friends here.

"So full time metropolitan life huh?"

"Yep.  I guess the company is no longer interested is having someone permanently stationed up here."

She couldn't judge his mood, so she asked him how he was feeling about it.

"I am okay with it.  I really liked it up here and if I could find a place that did similar research (and as good as pay) I would jump ship.  But I like my work and the other city isn't bad."

"Well I'll miss our quarterly outings!  We will have to have a goodbye drink before you go."

"Maybe a couple of drinks."

She smirked.  She wonder if she was insinuating what she was thinking...if they weren't going to see each other again, maybe this was their last chance. 

A lot of doors were closing on her lately.  These last two years were going to exist in a such strange time capsule in her mind.

Might as well have fun while it lasts, right?

Asking Too Much

Mel asked if he could do anything for her, but he was going through his own dramas, so she told him she was fine.

She wasn't.

She was feeling her lowest when she got a text from Nameless, who she hadn't heard from since December.  They easily fell into their old routine, but it was nice to talk to him about things.  She missed having that connection with someone, where there was some flirting but mostly just honest talk.

She expressed her frustration with men and made fun of him for his commitment issues.

"I don't think I'm asking that much of guys.  I'm respecting myself and I think that it's just enough."

He responded "I don't think you are asking too much, just more than most."

It woke her out of her depression.

Year in Review

"Wait, you haven't had sex at all this year?" IL asked her over lunch one day.  She was genuinely shocked.  "With all the boys you had this year?"

She thought about it and realized she did have a dick-filled year for not getting any.  She'd spent the early morning hours of 2017 having tons of sex with KSL.  Things had gotten more serious with Nameless before dropping off.  She'd filed for divorce and in attempting a no-strings attached make out session with JJ and ended up in a sexless relationship with Mel.  There was even that hot moment where she almost agreed to a threesome with JJ and Mel, but ultimately decided she was "too tired."

It's funny that throwing out a tiny stipulation about getting an STD test before having sex will make your actual sex life come to a screeching halt.

But she had started her new job too, which still felt new despite being there a whole year.  Having a whole week off of it had been rejuvenating, but she was ready to get back to the grind of her life.

As she waited for the countdown, she had a mini panic attack.  She was officially getting into "too old" status.  Too old to procreate, even though she wasn't sure she even wanted to.  Too old to seriously get into a relationship.  She was very soon going to be of an age where nothing was appropriate anymore.

She tried to stifle the thoughts, as they just came with spending a New Years Eve alone.  There was something about starting a year alone that was profoundly depressing.  A friend had texted her that the crappier the NYE party, the better the year was.  She guessed this was the year to put that theory to the test.

Happy New Year

Going Back to the Well

"What ever happened to that guy you were seeing super casually, the scientist?"  A couple of people asked.  It was enough to make her really think about it...what did happen to him?

They'd left off with him needing about a month to get all his tests taken.  Then her next month got super busy and he had never texted her back.

She should have just let it die.  Obviously, he hadn't reached out to her, so that was the end, right?

Wasn't it?

She thought about it for a week.  She could text him.  The door wasn't closed.

She didn't tell anyone because they would tell her to leave it alone.  Not to text him.

She thought to herself, three different people brought it up...that means something.  She felt compelled.

"Sooooo...how was your summer?"

"Wow, are you drunk?" Came the response.

"Nope, only you try and get me drunk."

They fell into their old song and dance routine.  Their tete-a-tete was unparalleled, and she realized how much she missed it.  Missed him.

She went out on a limb and told him so.  They bantered back and forth and he told her he hadn't messaged her back because she had come on too strong.  She thought back and couldn't think of when that had happened.  She apologized to him and said that wasn't her intention, and she was okay with just being friends with him.

So they made a non-date for a few days in the future to see the new Superhero movie.  He warned that he might have to cancel, and she told him that she didn't expect anything less of him.

He didn't end up canceling, and they ended up having a good night.  They did end up flirting a little, and he did end up in her apartment.  He never touched her, and she never invited it.  He told her that she had come on too strong when she had complained about her day, then apologized saying that they weren't at the complaining stage yet.

She rolled her eyes.  It was never going to be anything serious, and she was glad for it.

Listening to Reason

A Snapchat came through.  It was Mel, thanking her for the "fun evening" on Friday.  She messaged him back and said that she apologizes if she had been the Han to his Greedo and kissed first.  He replied that it was all in good fun, that he'd been wanting to do it awhile, and they were both currently single so it was no harm no foul.

She breathed a sigh of relief.  He wasn't going to be weird about it.  She didn't need to worry.  She'd heard stories about him freaking out over girls and his many sexual proclivities.

Now she could just go back to worrying about sex with Nameless.

She had finally gotten her test results back, negative.  After the slight scare and a friend confiding to her that he had gotten HPV a few days prior, she had been a little worried.

She had texted him that she was "squeaky clean like a rubber ducky" but hadn't gotten a response yet.  He was so stoic, and she thought that maybe that is what was messing with her.

She had to focus on what was.  He said that he thought it was obvious that he liked her body and mind.  She'd obviously turned him on, and he had said that if he didn't want her to be there, she wouldn't be.  He had been respectful always, a gentleman...while still being fun loving, passionate about his work, and a lover of all things Kevin Smith, an apparent requirement of hers.

Slightly more assurance would be nice, but she needed to get with the facts and listen to reason.  It was perfectly okay to proceed.

Finally a response came from him.  "Hahaha...well that's good.  Now don't sleep with dirty dirty guys."

"Well crap.  Now what am I going to do with you?"

Not much as it turned out.  A friend of his had come into town and he might be going out of town the entire next week.

"It's okay," she responded. "I know you can find a way to make it up to me later. 😘"

"Challenge accepted."

Harmless Fun Part 1

She was overthinking again, ruining a nice thing.  Really she was just nervous about getting to the point where she needed to sleep with Nameless.  She wanted to sleep with him.  She was just scared...scared he wasn't feeling that this was anything more than a fling.  Not being able to see him very frequently gave her far too much time to think.

She went to volunteer for a show and her friend Rey bought her a drink.  The show was sold out, so instead of staying to watch it, she, AB, BFF, and Rey went out to eat.  Half a sandwich and another drink later, and they walked across the street to a bar.  3 drinks after that, she had texted her friend JJ to come join them, saying "There's a 90% chance I'll make out with you." knowing it would be an innocent "Disney Friends With Benefits" situation.

She was still full of hormones from the night before, and she impulsively texted Nameless "I'm so drunk right now.  I wish you were in town."  At noon the next day he would text back "Drunk texting...how cute"

While she was having a good time she looked across the bar...and saw KSL's ex.  The one he had left when they were first together.  She was drunk and running on pure emotions, and she was totally irritated that his ex was again crashing the same bar she was in.  For some reason she blamed KSL, and texted him as such.  It led to yet another back and forth between them where she told him that he no longer had any use for her because she was no longer weak, and he preyed on the weak.

A couple of other mutual friends joined up with them, and decided to move onto the next bar.

Seeing Where It Goes

She went back through their texts and found that he liked peanut butter milkshakes, so she picked one up for him on the way to his house at 11:00 PM at night.  After a quick kiss hello, they stood by his kitchen with their liquid delights.

She had also brought tequila which he declined.  She had a shot and she talked about the rough day that she'd had.  The construction going on around her office was slowly driving her mad.  The beeping of the machines and the yelling of the workers while she tried to make phone calls was trying at best.  She was even starting to hear construction noises in her sleep.

His work had been so delayed before the holiday, and fires surrounding the area delayed him by a whole day of travel.  He hadn't even been in town for 24 hours and he was leaving the next day.

She gave him a pouty face and said "poor baby" as she moved towards him and kissed him.  He pulled her towards him as they kissed.  After a moment they broke apart and he laughed at her height, as he was almost as tall as she was standing as he was sitting on his barstool.

"I think maybe you are just too tall.  I think I'm the perfect size."

He grabbed her around her waist and said "Hmmm...maybe.  Lets take this to the couch."

After the teasing she had promised and stepping up the physical as much as they could while keeping their clothes on, he sighed that he should be going to sleep.  She asked when he needed to get going the next morning.  He said he had to be up by 5:00 AM to do a few hours of work before driving 4 hours to his other job for the weekend.

"Jeez, do you want me to leave?  I feel bad, you don't even get a few hours sleep before heading out again.  Why did you even invite me over?"

 "Hey...if I didn't want you here, you wouldn't be here."

She slept over again, if only for a few hours.  He was grumpy in the morning, and he stated again that he wasn't a morning person.

"I know.  It's adorable." She said as she kissed his cheek.  He kissed her goodbye and watched her cross his lawn before closing his door.

Vote of Confidence

"I have plans tomorrow I can't cancel, so unless you have some free time later it's looking like next week for us." She texted Nameless.

"I will be after 11PM for sure"

"11?  Think you can remain a gentleman at that hour?"

"What is the fun in that"

"There can still be a little fun"

"That sounds like teasing"

"I'm nothing if not a tease"

"I think you need to sell this a little more.  I'm not sure I could contain myself."

She blushed deeply.  "You're killing me.  I want to but I can't yet."

"Hahaha...I always hated that time of the month"

"Aaaaaaand now I'm embarrassed."

"Haha, that's funny"

"I'm glad you are finding the humor in it, you jerk.  Am I uninvited?"

"No, I wouldn't do that.  Plus I am interested in that 'little fun' comment."

"....of course you are."

"I am a guy"

"You're not wrong.  Just as long as that's not all you are after."

"I am not after anything specific."

The comment stung.  "I'm not entirely sure how to take that."

"I am just taking things as they come."

The conversation was not going how she wanted it to go.  "I was just hoping you were attracted to my mind and my body equally Sparky."

"That too...I thought that was obvious."