Other People's Opinions

"He's not ready to deal with the feelings he has for you.  He might never be." Goldie told her.

"He will always have a bit of that wall up, but you've broken down a lot of it.  I've never seen him be that open with anyone else, ever.  And I've known him 10 years!" SD said.

"He's never going to stop until he has sex with you." MG stated bluntly.

"I care about you!  And I don't want to see you hurt emotionally or physically.  And to me this dude needs that emotional support.  So keep your guard up." Mo warned her.

"But if you two like each other, why don't you just date each other?" Sleuthy asked.

For their flirtationship being a secret, everyone certainly had an opinion about it, even if they didn't know everything.  Even a caustic ex-blogger had snarked about it on twitter.  No matter what form her writing had taken, that lady had always been there with her bitchy attitude adding her opinion.

If it felt good, she was going to do it.  If she got her heart broken, then so be it.  It was her heart.  If it got broken she would mend it and move on with her life.

***
"So apparently in the midst of everything else, the roommate gave me a Percocet on top of the Vicodin and booze I'd already had." She decided to not tell him that they were the same thing and just said "uh-huh.  So you were pretty screwed up that night huh?  Do you remember any our conversation?"

"No.  Sorry."

"Convenient."

Playing hard to get (had maybe) resulted in him near-overdosing, and being an attention whore.  She was done with it.  She was ready to write it off, but keep an eye out for anything else.  Keep her guard up, as Mo suggested.  KSL was saying he felt weird about not having "goodbye sex" with his ex-girlfriend.  She said "Maybe you are growing.  Breaking free of your bad habits."

He mentioned how he didn't have any condoms one night, but she still snuggled up on him on the couch and watched silly YouTube videos on his phone.  They made plans to take a day trip to Ikea that weekend, because he'd never been.

Because Facebook makes everyone into an unintentional stalker, she knew that he was posting things to his ex-girlfriend's wall, once every few days.  It was really bringing down his fuckability quotient.

"How goes?" He texted the next day.  "Meh.  Malaise.  You?" She replied.

"Samezies.  Whats the cause of yours?

Me?"

"Only like 20% you.  I was just thinking this morning, wondering if it would ever go back to us being comfortable and happy again...then I realized it's never really been like that.  I made myself sad."

She waited a minute, then decided to mow over her last statement with distraction.  "What's the cause of yours?  Tell me the truth...it's Captain America isn't it?"

"I'm just stressing about life and the show and such.  And I loved Cap."

She guessed she didn't even merit 20% of his "life"

Origin Story

Sleuthy reminded her of all the things she'd left unsaid in the blog.  "KSL sounds like an asshole."

It was the second time a "reader" of the blog had said that.  She felt like a bad writer for letting it go this long, making him sound like an asshole.  What must people think of her if she was painting him in such a bad light?  She went back to read his tag and see what things were left unsaid.

When they first met, according to the blog, he was just an asshole getting her to run and jump to high five him.  Not the best first impression.  What was unsaid was that, at first, she had to be well caffeinated to get to his level.  He had just broken up with his girlfriend, and in hindsight he was feeling very vulnerable.   The more vulnerable he is, the louder he gets.

"Penny, tell me a story!" He would joyously demand during a lull in rehearsal.  She told him about her prom, about how she won a dance competition in junior high, and others.  One day she realized she was telling him the stories, and never the other way around.  He would always make jokes like "Don't hit me, that's my dad's job!" and whenever something bad happened he would say "prom night flashbacks!"

"Tell me a story!"  He said one day, and she retorted "I'm all out of stories KSL, YOU tell me a story."

So he did.  She got a little background on how horrible his family was, how his dad did actually beat him pretty frequently as a kid because he was abusing drugs and alcohol.  "But don't worry, he's all better now" he would reassure her, badly.  He explained how he had been screwed over by his family as well as got into brutal fights with his brother.

They shared stories of how they had gotten their scars.  She tied his gun holster into his belt every night, part of his costume for the show.  Then he was onstage for the entire show, so they never really bonded much past "story time" while she tied down his holster.

With PJ's and BFF's increased aggravation in his job and her Improv show respectively, KSL didn't really hit her radar that hard.  He was just the main character in the show, another actor amongst 10 or 11 that she had to wrangle.  She sensed his wall being up right away, but didn't see the point in trying to break it down.  They had just met.

Eventually she stopped needing to have energy drinks before each rehearsal.  Whenever he got to be too much, she could now calm him down or get him to shut up all together with just a word.  She found that he was actually a very good listener, and was responsive to things she would put her foot down about right away.

At the opening night party, they ended up on a couch alone at the beginning of the evening and got to talking, which led to some light flirting.  After a few drinks they were taking silly pictures of her in his giant shoes and laughing.   Every once in awhile people would join them, flow in and out.  They remained joined on the couch, as the bar was packed tightly.  No reason to give up prime real estate when the conversation and harmless flirting was good.

Late into the evening her husband had shown up to the bar unexpectedly, having gotten out of his rehearsal early.  KSL's face changed upon his arrival, and the energy between them changed.  It was as if he suddenly remembered that she was married, and he was back in his relationship.  It was then she realized that the flirting hadn't been all that harmless.

"Well," he said jokingly, "I'm gonna get out of here first.  You give it five and then follow to avoid suspicion."  She smiled at him and said goodbye.

At the time, she didn't think anything of it.  Until now, when she realized it had gone unsaid.  The beginning of their friendship had been really good...she had just been distracted.

Not Feeling is the Best Solution

"Vodka has convinced me that disassociation is best. If he's gonna pretend like (the feelings part of it) didn't happen then so can I" she said to Sleuthy.

After a lot of drinking with Super Director (and a small lie when she'd asked her if she'd made out with anyone since the separation yet), she decided that she needed to act like it didn't happen.  That they were just friends with a tiny bit of sexual tension.

Do friends give each other bruises with their mouths?  Do friends make out and grope topless with each other?  Not in her world...which is why it wouldn't happen anymore.  She wasn't going to go out of her way to do anything but text him as a friend would if she saw something he would find amusing.  No more flirting.  No more inviting him to the studio unless it was convenient for her.  She had to be done, emotionally cut off.

He clearly didn't have his feelings sorted out with her yet, and so it was just easier to go back to the start, to G-rated Disney friendship.  Maybe a reset was what they needed.

If they could be open with each other, there would be much to say.  She would write him an open letter of questions, mostly just asking him where she stood.  Because she couldn't ask him, she instead opted for just standing aside.  

The vodka had worn off and she had still decided this was the best course of action.  Let's see how long her resolve would hold out.

Drained and Confused

"But he didn't stick his tongue down your throat?" Sleuthy asked.

"Not last night, no."

"So maybe he was serious about it not happening again?"

"Maybe. But then quit talking about us having sex if it's never gonna happen, you know?  But he did listen to my writing...which is more than any guy has ever done."

"It's just that you spent hours yesterday wondering how conflicted he was about being with you, and then when the time came, he choose not to.  It just doesn't sound promising."

"To be fair it never did. As much as I like him I could never trust him to stay faithful to me. That's kind of a deal breaker right off the bat.  But I was kinda hoping for a small, torrid love affair before the fizzle.  Not the "girl bares soul" and then fizzle." 

"Yeah you basically read your diary to him and then he criticizes you to wanting intimacy after that."

She was right...where was this going?  Her chest began to tighten; what had she done?  She had really opened up to him, only to be smacked down.  Her soul hurt, and her breathing became shallow.  What the hell did he really even want with her?  Did he say the things that he said just to get her to sleep with him?  Had she, at the age where she could become president, fallen for some high school level bullshit?  What kind of an idiot was she?

"So maybe he is respecting your wishes?  Regarding a relationship?"

"...maybe? I don't know. Then what the heck was Saturday night?  Why have I had to hide my upper arms all week? Was that respecting my wishes?  That's what I can't really figure out. I mean, I had spent all day moving, my hair was dirty, I had no makeup on, I was sweaty...and all that happened. I was the least desirable I've ever been. So what happened?  Can that much passion be born out of pity?"

"Stop it, you know it wasn't pity."

"I just don't understand the action behind it, the back and forth. I told him not to kiss me again unless he liked me, and he did. But did he remember that conversation, or did he just feel like kissing me?  Or maybe it is just simple. Boy wanted to stick his dick in something, did what he thought he needed to do. It didn't work, Boy is no longer interested."

"You know the connection was emotional. You admitted it. He admitted it. To say any thing else is ridiculous. I don't know where his head is at now, but I do know he was genuine in the past."

Later she texted: "So, I'm just being crazy right now. I thought a lot about it, and honestly it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what he's thinking because he has a girlfriend. I'm laying no claim to him. If he comes to me, I'm not going to turn him away, but I can't seek him out either." 

She had calmed herself down over the course of the day, but the energy in the office was giving her anxiety on top of her anxiety.  She drove home fighting back tears, started her laundry fighting back tears, and sat in her studio, the emotions finally drained out of her.  She couldn't even cry.  She sat in silence listening to the roar of the city, and tried to stop feeling everything she was feeling.

Flakes

They hadn't seen each other since the end of the show, and she was struggling to find the balance between asking to hang out and not looking like she was desperate to hang with him.  It had ended that night on a weird note, and she wasn't sure where to take it.  She hated putting herself out there to be rejected, so she was sensitive but still trying to make things work.  She'd send him something that she thought was funny or comment on his Facebook posts.  She noticed that he'd posted about seeing Batman vs Superman for the third time and sent him a message.

"I was gonna ask if you wanted to see BvS tonight but you've already seen it three times :-("

"Sorry"

"It's cool, I'll catch it someday.  You wanna do something else or are you busy?"

"I may be busy"

For some reason this comment enraged her.  She hated that kind of half-assed response to keep people on the hook for plans.  Either he had plans or he didn't, but she wasn't willing to be his fall back plans.  She'd had enough of that with the flakes in her old city.  She lashed out.

"You *may* be *busy*.....okay got it."

"Jesus.  I have plans to hang with my girlfriend.  But if she gets a migraine, that shit falls through.  I'm sorry that the chronic problems she suffers make it so I can't commit to plans sometimes.  Fuck."

After talking through it with Sleuthy she saw where it had gone wrong.  He was trying to protect her from talking about his girlfriend, thinking she would get upset that he was spending time with her.  Men.

"That's all you have to say though, stop with all the elusive!  When you say "I may be busy" to me that says "I need some time to find a reason not to hang with you today."  It's like you think I'm not going to understand.  I get it, but you have to say it.  Otherwise I'll fill in the blanks and I'm usually not that positive."

"Fair enough."

"Sorry.  It's been a rough week for me, I'm like super hyper-sensitive." She never apologized to anyone, she was totally unsure why she kept apologizing to him.

"Understandably so.  Sorry."

"I do though, I get it.  It's a rough situation you are in too, and you can totally tell me.  We are friends, I'm not going to be mad at you for having plans with your girlfriend."

He didn't answer.  Later she texted him about the play, he had mentioned that his girlfriend wanted to be involved in more theatre.  That turned into a blow up about flaky people and being last minute about plans.  It was enough to make a sane person crazy.

Sometimes she wondered if they were both too thin-skinned to be friends with each other.

The Oscillating Osculation

"Did he use tongue with the director?" Sleuthy asked. "That is a really good question." She answered.  "I'm thinking yes though."

The more she thought about these kisses the more offended she got.  Why wasn't she good enough for tongue? Was it some sort of Bro-out?

Goldie said it was totally a thing that millennials did.  "It's a sort of 'Disney Friends With Benefits' kind of thing.  It's been going on for about 5-7 years." Goldie messaged over Facebook.

"That's more insulting than not being kissed at all."  She messaged back.  Then she got angry and I said "I want to fucking slap him."

"That's second base." Goldie replied.  She wasn't in the mood for jokes though.  "I'm just so furious right now Goldie.  I'm like, embarrassed and enraged."

"Don't be," Goldie messaged back.  "I'm sure it meant more to him, this is just the easiest way for him to excuse his behavior without getting all deep."

"Yes I did kiss the director with tongue, but SHE started the tongue." KSL said when asked.  "Okay, then I'm a little insulted." She said.  He looked hurt and replied "Look, I'm sorry my history is upsetting you--"

"It's not about the history, it's about mutual respect." She cut him off.  "You know what, forget it."

"No, you can't do that shit anymore, we had an agreement.  What?  Tell me." KSL gently took her arm and guided her to sit down again.  She took a deep breath and looked into his eyes.

"Okay, fine.  In the future if you ever man up and admit that you like me, you need to stick your fucking tongue down my throat.  Got it?"

His eyebrows raised in admiration, and he nodded his head.  Then they high-fived.  Looks like the bromance was back on.

Dystopian Sadness

When she got home that night, her husband had cleaned up the living room, talked to people about jobs, and came to her like a dog with a ball.  She had seen this before.  It only lasted a few months, tops.  She just couldn't do it anymore.  Goldie had convinced her she needed to get out now, and said there was a studio open in her building.  She would be near Goldie and Super Director, with a doorman and living next to all the theatres.  It was a year lease and 435 square feet.  She texted her husband that she might take it.

"That was quick." Was his response.  When she got home he talked about his friend who had died, and how he didn't want to waste his life.  She thought it seemed positive, like he was going to take action.

The next night she went out for a walk by the river with PJ.  They hadn't had a chance to be alone and talk in months, and she desperately needed her friend.  After going over all the specifics, he said "Have you told him this with as much clarity as you've told me?"

"I'm so afraid of hurting him further.  He asked for three weeks, I figure then he'll have his shit together and he can get his own place.  He'll be able to make it on his own."

"Then you are still enabling him.  You need to go home now and be very clear, very specific.  Although I don't understand how a man can be okay with not having a job this long."

"He's always had everything taken care of, handed to him.  He just doesn't know any better.  That's part of the problem.  I just can't take care of everything anymore.  I'm so emotionally drained."

"You need to tell him this.  He deserves the kind of clarity you have right now.  And whatever you do, please don't fill the holes of your soul with anything other than your feelings right now.  Don't do anything with KSL, don't drink, don't do drugs--not that you do anyway."  PJ was saying the right thing, but she also knew she wouldn't be doing it.  She had plans to go up and drink with Goldie right afterwards, and she wasn't going to turn it down.  She thanked him, they hugged, and he went home to AB.

PJ had said all the right things, the things she needed to hear but didn't want to hear.  She knew she had to take his advise, and shortly afterwards she went home.

He had baked, and talked about things he had done.  He saw her face and said "Am I trying too hard?"

She opened her mouth, closed it.  It was so hard to say mean things to someone she cared about.  "Just say it." He said dejectedly.

She opened her mouth again.  "You are trying too late.  Years and years too late.  You trying is not who you are, and that's fine.  It's just not for me anymore.  I don't want to change who you are just to suit me."

The words hung in the air, echoed in her brain painfully.  He said "That's fair.  Excuse me." and walked out of the room.  He had never been this sad, and she was unsure what to do.  She gave him space as she set her stuff for the next work day in the bathroom (she did this so she didn't have to turn on the bedroom light and wake him up early in the morning), then went downstairs to check on him.

"I'm sorry, crying isn't very manly of me." He said, as if he had been aware of the conversation she and Goldie had.  "I don't mean to emasculate you with this" she said, her throat catching.  She had never seen him this sad before.  The guilt washed over her like a wave, but she dug her heels into the sand to also stand her ground.  She looked up at his computer screen and saw "Apartments for rent in [old city]" and said "Do you want to move back there?"

"No, but I don't think I have a choice, if I can't find work here.  Maybe they'll take me back at my old job.  Then it would be easier for you to be here."

"You are going to leave me alone to explain this to everyone?  You think that's fair to me?"

"...just tell me what to do."

"I'm not doing all this just for selfish reasons.  I'm not good for you right now either.  I think it will be good for you as well as me if we can stand on our own for awhile."

"...just tell me what to do."

She was sick of having to tell him what to do.  He was never going to see what she saw, regardless of all the clarity PJ told her to give him.  He was not capable of change.  She didn't fault him for that, but it did make her feel like she was doing the right thing.

The right thing had never been so hard in her life.  She felt like she was leaving a puppy by the side of a highway.

She would never leave behind high school life.  Her feelings felt heightened the way they would in high school when your emotions are all out of wack regardless of the circumstances.  In high school, if the boy didn't like you, it was the end of your world. The only difference is now, it kind of is.

After leaving him to gather his thoughts, he came up to bed.  He wordlessly looked at her bare hands, then down at his own.  She thought she saw him realize how long it had been since she had worn her ring.  He slowly removed his old wedding ring and set it on his bedside table, turning out the light. She had a feeling that was the last time it would be on his finger. 

Am I Okay? Asking for a Friend...

She got out of the car and he laughed at her trying to gather her things as well as balance her beverage on top of the car.  Finally she got her flowers, cake, drink, and purse in her arms, and he said goodbye.

Before going to sleep, she knew she would remember everything that happened in order to write about it the next day.

Then the nightmares started.  One of the people from the play was suddenly in the back of her car, saying "It's never anything until it's something" a line from the play.  She woke up, and her memory was now out of order.  The night was coming back fractured, in flashes.

She hadn't even had that much to drink, it was just the nightmares that jolted her memories and combine it with her new reality.

She remembered the cast singing her Happy Birthday.  The cake was small but absolutely delightful.  The top wasn't snapping in, she reminded KSL to remind her of that fact when she picked it up out of the car.

They got to the bar for their drinks, but found the bar uncomfortably hot.  They took off their hoodies and discussed going to a table after placing their order.

"We could....no, it's crazy." KSL said.  "What?" She asked.  "No, forget it."  She pushed him, knowing what he was going to say before he said it.  He wanted to go to Lookout Point.  In fact that is what he suggested, and they tucked their drinks into their hoodies and walked back to the car.

They looked down on the city and talked about a good friend of his who knocked up a girl and married her, then decided he would have neither.  The kid just turned one, and the guy was still living with his mother.  Still, people gave the girl shit for breaking it off with him.  It was a very sad situation that she might find herself in sooner rather than later.

Another flash: In the car to Lookout Point, they were talking about house parties.  She was upset that she never got to have house parties since she was lacking a house.  "Well," KSL said "You and I might be hosting our own New Years Eve party this year."

Flash: "Obligatory 'sorry for the crazy shit' text post.  He asked why, she said it had been 15 minutes so of course she was overthinking it.  He texted back "Don't do that.  It's fine."  After a minute he texted her good night.

Flash: She couldn't remember what they were talking about, but she was animated.  Suddenly she realized he had taken her hand.  It felt warm, right, and heavy on her own.  She felt safe, grounded.  She looked down and told him that if they were to do anything, she would want to do it the right way.  Not start anything until they were out of their respective relationships.

Flash: His eyes were this hypnotic mix of green and brown flecks, and it was as if he was staring into her soul.  He had these tiny freckles on his face that you could only see if you were very close.  They were endearing.

Flash: His lips were soft, and tasted like just the sweetness of the margarita he drank without the booze.  Though sudden, the kisses were easy.  They found a flow right away without any awkwardness.  It was as if they were choreographed, they were so perfect and sweet.

Flash: She told him Sleuthy friend thought that she would be his unicorn.

Flash: "You know these are just friendly" KSL said.  "Sure they are," she replied as they kissed again.  He was surprisingly gentle.  She had expected more roughness from him.  But he was right, they were friendly kisses.  Introductory Kisses.

Did she lean in for a third time?  Or was that part of the dream?

She didn't sleep much.  She had a lot to overthink about.

Not a Manic Pixie Dream Girl, Just Manic

"Talked with BFF last night...didn't bring you up but she did. Her take on what she said was quite different, but that doesn't really surprise me. She wanted to know what we were talking about on the couch all night and I just said "he let me read some stuff he wrote and I had questions. You know me, I always have follow up questions." and then I changed the subject. I'm really sorry she came at you like that, it shouldn't happen again."

Seen at 11:00 AM

No answer to her apology after a full 24 hours. She told Goldie not about the details of his life, but just how the night had gone, and asked her if she was being crazy.  

"I think he either got gas and excused himself quickly and then booked it out of there before he sharted, or he started to get feelings for you and left so he could avoid fucking you in the bathroom."

"The 11AM no reply thing is a little long.  But he kinda almost had an intimate moment around/with you and probably is just going to shut you out for the usual 72 hour man-recovery period until he feels safe.  If you let him have space, when the show forces you to hang again, he'll remember you're awesome and be okay again."  Goldie was wise, and that was the right thing to do.

But who ever wants to do the right thing?

Sleuthy friend convinced her to contact him again, so she sent off a text about getting together with some of the old cast from the old show for $5 movie night.  He just said "I'm broke" and she offered to pay, and later upped the ante by saying if he drove, she'd buy him tacos and the movie.  He agreed and plans were put in motion.  She knew inviting him was going to piss off the BFF, but she decided it was a good day to be daring.

BFF was drunk by the time they showed up to dinner, and thankfully it was happy drunk as she said to KSL "Why don't we hang out anymore?" and KSL brought up how they fought at church camp and their relationship was never the same.  As KSL left the table to take a call, BFF said "That's just what I don't like about him, he puts himself down all the time and it's frustrating, you know?"  BFF was almost accusatory, and for a minute she almost said "It's something we are working on," but then realized how that would sound.  Then she wanted to say "Listen, he's not sticking his dick in me so he can do whatever he wants."  She instead decided to take that time to compliment someone else on their necklace and change the subject.

In the car on the way to the movie, he told her that his therapist session went well that week.  He said that basically the therapist said that he was on the right track and everything was a-okay for the month.  He asked her how her week had been going, and she said good, just busy overthinking her whole life.  He asked for specifics, and saw her hesitate.  "Penny, come on.  You know more about my current situation than my therapist, you can tell me."  The tequila was about to make her reveal more than she cared to.

So, using a line from their play, she asked about the kiss, prefacing it with how it could have been that he just felt sorry for her, and how normally he walks people to their car, but he just booked it like someone had shot him in the ass.  

There was a silence, slightly longer than usual, before he answered.  He said that it was NOT because he felt sorry for her, absolutely.  "We had just shared a lot that night, gotten closer...and it was just nice and friendly."

She didn't look at him, as she was embarrassed.  She felt juvenile even bringing it up.  "Okay.  I'm sorry, I really overthink everything.  So we are good though, right?"

"Better than." 

A Man For All Seasons

"Is this the guy you wrote about?"

"Which one?  Not to be a whore but I write about a lot of guys."

She'd been thinking about this short interlude with her sleuthy friend lately.  Was she a whore for having mostly guy friends?  After her Favorite Mistake revelation, where she sought out comfort, she went to many people, few of them women.  

She did tell the BFF about it, but didn't seek solace from her.  As expected BFF turned it around to be about her and all the great romances she'd had, and not so great romances.  When they saw each other again, the BFF never brought it up or asked if she was doing okay.  She knew that it wouldn't be spoken of again.

PJ had come through big time, the only one to calm her down and bring up solid points that calmed her anxiety. They even went deeper into the human condition and solved problems that she didn't realize that she was having.  She finally realized what she needed to take away from all this was that she needed to become someone in-between her 17 year old self and who she was right now.

KSL had listened, been attentive, and shared insightful things he had learned from his therapist that shown a light on her current situation.  Maybe she also needed to set a deadline.  A fleeting thought of her sharing an apartment with KSL "Odd Couple" style made her smile.

Mo she had not told the whole story to, but she knew she could come to him for advice on what Favorite Mistake could be thinking when he got her email.  He said to her that if it was him, even though he was married, he would reach out.  Everyone has one that got away, and he would rather be friends with her then have her out of his life again.  A few days later, his favorite mistake called him.  She was in town with her new husband and wanted to meet to catch up.

BW had gotten a cursory overview, but she knew he wouldn't have had much insight.  He was very against all relationships, and their friendship was mostly just bitching about people they knew. 

All these men in her life are there for her, so many.  She needed to stop being greedy and let Favorite Mistake go.  Create her own closure.

50 Shades of Blushing

"You broke his heart when you got married."

"Like because he's a drama queen or because he was really in love with me?"

"Both, most likely."

"Why didn't he ever say anything to me?"

"Because X was into you."

She didn't even remember meeting X until after she was married.  Her idea of what had happened between age 17 to now was completely skewed.  She needed to re-think her entire adult life.  Favorite Mistake she had an idea on, but she had no clue that she broke his heart.  Why didn't he ever say anything to her?  She knew he and X were good friends, but she didn't really talk to X, and the last time they really hung out together he ended up sleeping with her then best friend.  Not that it was a problem, the best friend would sleep with anyone, and she had no idea that there was ever an attraction between them.

Since she was sworn to secrecy on the heart breaking, she messaged X.  She said that she heard about an event happening at his job that made her think of him.  They got to talking, and she noticed he did flirt a little...it was the same back and forth they always did with each other, only now it was colored by what she knew.  Had she been flirting with him this entire time and not known it?  Was that even possible?  How many times had she done that?  She never felt attractive enough to have that kind of power.  The quote "You know not what you do" from Julius Caesar kept repeating in her mind.  

Then in an unforeseen turn of events, X told her a story...that basically ended with him sending her photos of him in makeup and telling her about his wearing make up and having sex.  The story had started with her being Julia Roberts and ended up with being more like Rachel Dratch.

Hilarity aside, it looks like he was a mutual favorite mistake.

"I really miss you.  Please text me?" was sent to Favorite Mistake after a sleuthy friend found his work email through Linkedin.  It took her three hours to decide on those specific words, and she panicked long after sending it.  Days later, she hadn't heard anything.

PJ called her and they talked about the situation (and more) for 3 hours.  PJ knew exactly what she was thinking and feeling, and had a great attitude he passed along.  "No matter what, if you hear from him or don't, it's not a rejection.  If he doesn't reach out, it's only because his wife is crazy and made him cut off all contact with you and he can't.  After all that you've been through together, he has feelings and will always have feelings.  You will always have that."

There were so many other feelings...was she careless with his heart, even though she had no idea of his feelings.  Was she putting him in a bad position by contacting him at all?

Don't you tell me to deny it...