They had to be up at 4am to make their flight.
Strike 1.
The sun rose as their plane made their decent into the city. She tried to keep up with conversation, the energy and excitement of the trip.
They got into town and she ordered a Rideshare, who promptly called her and asked how many people she had, and said he couldn't accommodate her and she needed to cancel the ride. The other girls yelled at her as soon as she had told them about it, like the guy had been her fault.
Strike 2.
They got to the hotel, that was of course not ready to check them in yet. They spent time in the lobby talking about nothing for what seemed like hours. Her introvert battery was quickly drained.
They decided to go to brunch early, and she decided to see how far she could walk before Mo came to pick her up at noon. According to her Fitbit, about 17,000 steps later, Mo came to pick her up with his wife and baby, and they headed to their favorite sushi restaurant.
It was the first time meeting his baby, and he reached out for her immediately, which made her feel good. She needed to make time to go down and visit him, maybe later on in the summertime.
They met up with other friends and had an amazing time eating. Back at the hotel, the girls had gotten drunk at brunch, and all started to text her that they wanted pizza. She had just gorged herself on sushi and didn't appreciate that they all started to gang up on her, texting five or six times in a row. She made a decision to ignore their texts, because otherwise she would end up back at the hotel in a rage.
They were drunk and cranky when she got back, and she left an hour later to go out drinking with Mo. They laughed, talked, bar hopped, and had a great time. She missed him so much, and when his wife asked if the schools were better in her town, she said yes without even knowing if they were. It would be amazing if they moved to where she lived.
Things were getting a little better with him and his wife, and she was glad they seemed to be working things out. She talked to him about her relationship woes, and they commiserated with more cocktails.
She didn't get to see him the rest of the weekend, and spent much of it on her own exploring her old haunts. The girls got more and more drunk and belligerent as the weekend wore on, and it was testing her nerves.
Goldie got upset that her PJs had gone missing, but the maids had been in and made the beds, and must have put it with all the other clothes that were lying on the other bed. When she suggested this she was berated again by the girls for how stupid of an idea that was.
Strike 3. She was done.
Goldie got upset that she wasn't helping them look. "They are lost forever." She stated coldly. Later they of course found it in the exact place they had told them to look. They responded by calling her sensitive...because that's the best way to make a sensitive person feel better, to call attention to their sensitivity.
The entire rest of the trip she became cold and unresponsive, just waiting for it all to be over.
Showing posts with label MG. Show all posts
Showing posts with label MG. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Monday, December 25, 2017
Playing Catch Up
It had been one hell of a December. Before she even realized what was happening, it was the middle of the month and she had been working 15 days straight, and would continue to the end of the month.
Now that she was at the end, everything was a blur. The end of the last month had been tumultuous between her and KSL, but by the end of December it seemed to have leveled out again. She sincerely hoped to stay there for awhile. More and more she felt like she was just running out of friends, even though she still felt like she couldn't really trust him as much as she wanted to.
Being at Goldie's play was difficult because she was literally running over from work, running herself ragged, only to find that the BFF had made sure that other people were doing her job. BFF made sure she wasn't available to contribute to the director gift from the cast. One night she didn't even show up, only texting Goldie to give her a head's up. No one missed her.
It was funny. BFF was the one who introduced her to the Five Love Languages, and she went out of her way to take away her main love language; Acts of Service. She felt absolutely helpless. She recalled a conversation she and KSL had during one of their drives, where she told him she never felt like he needed her for anything. Nothing to contribute=nothing to love.
She might as well become an actor with how low her self worth was. Really she was just very, very tired. She was fast becoming too tired to care.
On a date with Mel, she was trying to get him to open up with her, to confide in her. They had been dating 6 months, and it had stayed really casual, with bursts of emotional intimacy. He was a really sweet guy, but she was fast feeling like a burden to him. She was not used to someone taking her out, paying for drinks and dinner, having dinner dates...but no sex, and no confiding from him. She, again, felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, wasn't needed by him.
A friend of his died, and she offered to go to the funeral. He said she didn't need to, and she addressed why he wasn't letting her in. "I'm a mess...you deserve better than that. It's a testament to how much I like you that I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you."
It hurt. It cut through all the numb she was feeling. On one hand, it was nice that he thought so highly of her that he didn't want to subject her to his shit show. On the other, it was a rejection. It hurt. And the only difference between him and her Ex was that Mel understood what he was doing and wasn't going to take advantage of her kindness.
It still hurt. How did she keep getting into these faux-lationships? If he never wanted a serious relationship with her ever...then what were they even doing? MG said she was doing "relationship" not with a lower case or capital R, but with a cursive R. At least without the sex part it was easy for her to not get her heart completely broken. Again.
Now that she was at the end, everything was a blur. The end of the last month had been tumultuous between her and KSL, but by the end of December it seemed to have leveled out again. She sincerely hoped to stay there for awhile. More and more she felt like she was just running out of friends, even though she still felt like she couldn't really trust him as much as she wanted to.
Being at Goldie's play was difficult because she was literally running over from work, running herself ragged, only to find that the BFF had made sure that other people were doing her job. BFF made sure she wasn't available to contribute to the director gift from the cast. One night she didn't even show up, only texting Goldie to give her a head's up. No one missed her.
It was funny. BFF was the one who introduced her to the Five Love Languages, and she went out of her way to take away her main love language; Acts of Service. She felt absolutely helpless. She recalled a conversation she and KSL had during one of their drives, where she told him she never felt like he needed her for anything. Nothing to contribute=nothing to love.
She might as well become an actor with how low her self worth was. Really she was just very, very tired. She was fast becoming too tired to care.
On a date with Mel, she was trying to get him to open up with her, to confide in her. They had been dating 6 months, and it had stayed really casual, with bursts of emotional intimacy. He was a really sweet guy, but she was fast feeling like a burden to him. She was not used to someone taking her out, paying for drinks and dinner, having dinner dates...but no sex, and no confiding from him. She, again, felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, wasn't needed by him.
A friend of his died, and she offered to go to the funeral. He said she didn't need to, and she addressed why he wasn't letting her in. "I'm a mess...you deserve better than that. It's a testament to how much I like you that I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you."
It hurt. It cut through all the numb she was feeling. On one hand, it was nice that he thought so highly of her that he didn't want to subject her to his shit show. On the other, it was a rejection. It hurt. And the only difference between him and her Ex was that Mel understood what he was doing and wasn't going to take advantage of her kindness.
It still hurt. How did she keep getting into these faux-lationships? If he never wanted a serious relationship with her ever...then what were they even doing? MG said she was doing "relationship" not with a lower case or capital R, but with a cursive R. At least without the sex part it was easy for her to not get her heart completely broken. Again.
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
The Weekend of Broken Promises
At the last minute her boss decided to give everyone the Monday before Independence day off, and well as the 4th. She was more upset than anything else, as she hadn't had time to really plan anything.
She made beach plans with MG that got shut down pretty quickly by SD, stating they had a rehearsal that night and would never get back in time. Goldie overheard and suggested a closer beach, and that they all go. She acquiesced.
A few days later there was a text from Goldie to her and SD. "Why don't we make it a staycation and do a buffet and hang by the pool?"
SD responded in kind. She did not respond at all. She guessed it didn't matter what she thought one way or another...it was the exact opposite of what she wanted to do that weekend.
Later Goldie again texted her about going to a ball game on July 4th. "No thanks, I really can't afford it. Have fun though!"
"I already bought your ticket!"
She scowled. She didn't even ask her if she wanted to go, just bought a ticket. She disliked having plans made for her. Her plans for the weekend had been all well and good until Goldie came along and blew them up. Suddenly all she wanted to be was alone.
Again, she didn't respond. Goldie pushed. She became more angry, and still didn't respond. Eventually she had to respond as Goldie kept hounding her. She was as restrained as possible. Goldie still said some harsh, rude things to her under the guise of friendship. Then she insisted on a trip to wine country that was a few hours away, only to say it would be pretty pricey an hour later.
Dejected, she left her suitcase out on her coffee table, packed only with some underwear and pj's. She was so desperately tired of being jerked around. Her heart hurt.
She made beach plans with MG that got shut down pretty quickly by SD, stating they had a rehearsal that night and would never get back in time. Goldie overheard and suggested a closer beach, and that they all go. She acquiesced.
A few days later there was a text from Goldie to her and SD. "Why don't we make it a staycation and do a buffet and hang by the pool?"
SD responded in kind. She did not respond at all. She guessed it didn't matter what she thought one way or another...it was the exact opposite of what she wanted to do that weekend.
Later Goldie again texted her about going to a ball game on July 4th. "No thanks, I really can't afford it. Have fun though!"
"I already bought your ticket!"
She scowled. She didn't even ask her if she wanted to go, just bought a ticket. She disliked having plans made for her. Her plans for the weekend had been all well and good until Goldie came along and blew them up. Suddenly all she wanted to be was alone.
Again, she didn't respond. Goldie pushed. She became more angry, and still didn't respond. Eventually she had to respond as Goldie kept hounding her. She was as restrained as possible. Goldie still said some harsh, rude things to her under the guise of friendship. Then she insisted on a trip to wine country that was a few hours away, only to say it would be pretty pricey an hour later.
Dejected, she left her suitcase out on her coffee table, packed only with some underwear and pj's. She was so desperately tired of being jerked around. Her heart hurt.
Monday, June 5, 2017
End of an Era
She was more upset than she had any right to be about the last Improv show. She had been with them for so long, and they were her first friends after moving back. She didn't know where she would be without the constant steadfastness of SD, the yoga and inspiration of TM, the endless wisdom of Goldie, and of course the BFF who had introduced them all to her. Even MG, although as of late they hadn't been getting along and things were becoming incredibly strained.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Daddy Issues
She was getting some Wanderlust and decided to head out of town once Namelsss had to cancel their date. She told him that she was going to drive up to capitol.
"Seems like a long way for coffee." Nameless said. This coming from the guy who had a job on the weekends a 4 hour car ride away.
Then she remembered MG giving her a hard time about her mini-road trips. Why was it that she liked getting out of town so much?
As she cruised down the freeway she thought about it. Most of her road trips had been with her family, but mostly with her father. They would go up to the ghost town and check out the old headstones, play road games.
Road trips were her way of connecting with people. There were people she didn't want to go on a road trip with ever...and there were also people that she wanted to in order to get closer to them, as a form of quality time.
They didn't always work...but she was always willing to go on another one.
"Seems like a long way for coffee." Nameless said. This coming from the guy who had a job on the weekends a 4 hour car ride away.
Then she remembered MG giving her a hard time about her mini-road trips. Why was it that she liked getting out of town so much?
As she cruised down the freeway she thought about it. Most of her road trips had been with her family, but mostly with her father. They would go up to the ghost town and check out the old headstones, play road games.
Road trips were her way of connecting with people. There were people she didn't want to go on a road trip with ever...and there were also people that she wanted to in order to get closer to them, as a form of quality time.
They didn't always work...but she was always willing to go on another one.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Welcome to Your Tape-Side A
Her heart never really recovered from KSL sort of telling her she was hard to be around. Who knows what he actually meant by it, but the "evidence" of it started to pop up in her life.
MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods. All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough. She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.
God forbid she be a little quiet. It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute. God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.
She felt the depression deepen. She pulled away from her friends, dove into work. There was tons of work to dive into. When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail. They left her alone.
An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should. It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore. The numbness began. The not caring. She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.
She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why. All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.
"I can't talk about it for 24 hours. It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons. She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.
She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide. As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone. Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you. It'll be easier.
Because it's hard to be your friend.
MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods. All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough. She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.
God forbid she be a little quiet. It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute. God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.
She felt the depression deepen. She pulled away from her friends, dove into work. There was tons of work to dive into. When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail. They left her alone.
An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should. It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore. The numbness began. The not caring. She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.
She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why. All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.
"I can't talk about it for 24 hours. It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons. She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.
She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide. As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone. Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you. It'll be easier.
Because it's hard to be your friend.
Friday, April 7, 2017
Butt Hurt
"You were not being a cunt at all. Stop listen to MG, she's still a shit show." KSL said. They had just come from listening to a local musician she had a crush on and had conceded when he seemed to be more interested in Banana.
He had come to return the CDs he'd borrowed and they ended up staying longer than anticipated when MG showed up after she had texted MG that she was leaving.
"Is something wrong? Are we okay?" MG had asked.
She wanted to answer no, she didn't want to spend every waking minute with her when she was quitting smoking and being angry and mean.
They made an excuse for him to come up, and he had a vodka coke because he was on a diet.
"You know your diet is doing nothing until you get your thyroid checked and get on medication right? You have health insurance, you are the 1%, go to the doctor."
He sighed and said "I don't know how to do all that adulting stuff. I don't even have a doctor. How do you get one?"
She looked him dead in the eye and said "What is the name of your insurance?"
He sensed that she would go all the way with this and look it up if he answered her, so he said "Okay, okay, I'm sure there is a list at work or something. I'll do it."
He changed the subject to the night of her birthday and how out of hand the drinking had gotten. "I bruised myself trying to boop your nose!" She exclaimed.
"Hey, you bruised me trying to boop my nose!"
"You should just let Drunk Penny do what she wants, she's stubborn."
"That's the sort of thing rapists say."
"Please, booping a nose is not rape. Besides I'm not having sex with you again."
His face fell slightly, but he recovered quickly to say "Okay, that's fair. I understand that. You are trying to keep the friendship we have right now going on it's trajectory, which is healthy. Besides we agreed on New Years to not do it again."
"No, you agreed. And although all those things are true, that's not why I'm not having sex with you again."
"Oh. Then why? You don't find me attractive anymore? Since I shaved my head?"
She rolled her eyes at him and said "No, because you are the type of person who avoids doctors and STD tests, and you had sex with your ex unprotected. And even though I'd never have unprotected sex with anyone including you, I don't trust her. You could be running around with god knows what--"
He interrupted her, "Okay okay I'll go to a doctor. Shit."
He was quiet, and she looked over at him. He was staring out the window at the city, pensive.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him when he didn't turn to meet her gaze into his eyes. He snapped back into focus and said "sorry, just got lost thinking about...everything that needs to be done for the wake and stuff."
He told her where he was planning on spreading his friends ashes at their old community college. He talked for awhile and she let him. She was pensive herself, thinking about how she gave 110% to people and didn't get anything back. "You need to stop giving so much of yourself" he had told her earlier. She didn't know how to do that. It was being disingenuous to herself. She could either keep being herself or retreat and not be friends with anyone anymore.
"For as bitter and cynical as you pretend to be, you still want to see the best in people, still want to see their potential." He said to her. A friend had said something similar to her years ago.
"I keep going back to that convo that PJ and I had about seeing potential in people that others don't see."
"I'm curious then, what potential do you now see in me, a year later?" KSL knew he was playing with fire, but asked her anyway.
She took a deep breath, and decided to answer honestly. Give him the closure that he hadn't given her.
"You still have that potential I saw a year ago. You have changed, and for the better. I've asked things of you, deal-breaking things for me. As far as I know, you've continued to be honest with me when I asked you not to lie again. You really have improved. You just need to be able to accept love and see your own potential."
She cleared her throat as it was starting to hurt again, and he noticed and said "So, the tonsillectomy. When is that again?"
"May 8th....I'll just have my mom pick me up though, it's okay. I'll deal with her."
"Hey, I made a promise, I said I was going to help you and I am."
"It just seems too intimate of a thing to ask you. I don't feel right about it." She felt her face getting hot.
"Penny, you've had my dick in your mouth. We've been intimate." She blushed, then winced at his statement, but also nodded.
"It just seems like a relationship thing to do, like picking someone up from the airport--"
Again he interrupted "I pick up lots of people from the airport."
She sighed, then looked at him. He starred back at her, and she was reminded of this time last year when they were getting "lost in each other's eyes" and being intense. Only this time instead of going in for a kiss, her eyes narrowed.
"Are you sure this won't be too big of an imposition? You can say yes, it's okay."
He still wanted to do it.
While talking he took off his newsboy cap and put it on her head. "For your 'hat stealing photo' collection." She smiled at him, snapped a photo, and gave it back. Later she posted it on social media and he was one of the first to like it. He really seemed to be making strides in being okay with people knowing they are friends.
Between taking care of her and finally going for an STD/HIV test, she wasn't sure what level of "friendship" they'd reached. For a fleeting moment she thought he had taken the romantic comedy pact to heart. She guessed only time would tell his true intentions.
He had come to return the CDs he'd borrowed and they ended up staying longer than anticipated when MG showed up after she had texted MG that she was leaving.
"Is something wrong? Are we okay?" MG had asked.
She wanted to answer no, she didn't want to spend every waking minute with her when she was quitting smoking and being angry and mean.
They made an excuse for him to come up, and he had a vodka coke because he was on a diet.
"You know your diet is doing nothing until you get your thyroid checked and get on medication right? You have health insurance, you are the 1%, go to the doctor."
He sighed and said "I don't know how to do all that adulting stuff. I don't even have a doctor. How do you get one?"
She looked him dead in the eye and said "What is the name of your insurance?"
He sensed that she would go all the way with this and look it up if he answered her, so he said "Okay, okay, I'm sure there is a list at work or something. I'll do it."
He changed the subject to the night of her birthday and how out of hand the drinking had gotten. "I bruised myself trying to boop your nose!" She exclaimed.
"Hey, you bruised me trying to boop my nose!"
"You should just let Drunk Penny do what she wants, she's stubborn."
"That's the sort of thing rapists say."
"Please, booping a nose is not rape. Besides I'm not having sex with you again."
His face fell slightly, but he recovered quickly to say "Okay, that's fair. I understand that. You are trying to keep the friendship we have right now going on it's trajectory, which is healthy. Besides we agreed on New Years to not do it again."
"No, you agreed. And although all those things are true, that's not why I'm not having sex with you again."
"Oh. Then why? You don't find me attractive anymore? Since I shaved my head?"
She rolled her eyes at him and said "No, because you are the type of person who avoids doctors and STD tests, and you had sex with your ex unprotected. And even though I'd never have unprotected sex with anyone including you, I don't trust her. You could be running around with god knows what--"
He interrupted her, "Okay okay I'll go to a doctor. Shit."
He was quiet, and she looked over at him. He was staring out the window at the city, pensive.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him when he didn't turn to meet her gaze into his eyes. He snapped back into focus and said "sorry, just got lost thinking about...everything that needs to be done for the wake and stuff."
He told her where he was planning on spreading his friends ashes at their old community college. He talked for awhile and she let him. She was pensive herself, thinking about how she gave 110% to people and didn't get anything back. "You need to stop giving so much of yourself" he had told her earlier. She didn't know how to do that. It was being disingenuous to herself. She could either keep being herself or retreat and not be friends with anyone anymore.
"For as bitter and cynical as you pretend to be, you still want to see the best in people, still want to see their potential." He said to her. A friend had said something similar to her years ago.
"I keep going back to that convo that PJ and I had about seeing potential in people that others don't see."
"I'm curious then, what potential do you now see in me, a year later?" KSL knew he was playing with fire, but asked her anyway.
She took a deep breath, and decided to answer honestly. Give him the closure that he hadn't given her.
"You still have that potential I saw a year ago. You have changed, and for the better. I've asked things of you, deal-breaking things for me. As far as I know, you've continued to be honest with me when I asked you not to lie again. You really have improved. You just need to be able to accept love and see your own potential."
She cleared her throat as it was starting to hurt again, and he noticed and said "So, the tonsillectomy. When is that again?"
"May 8th....I'll just have my mom pick me up though, it's okay. I'll deal with her."
"Hey, I made a promise, I said I was going to help you and I am."
"It just seems too intimate of a thing to ask you. I don't feel right about it." She felt her face getting hot.
"Penny, you've had my dick in your mouth. We've been intimate." She blushed, then winced at his statement, but also nodded.
"It just seems like a relationship thing to do, like picking someone up from the airport--"
Again he interrupted "I pick up lots of people from the airport."
She sighed, then looked at him. He starred back at her, and she was reminded of this time last year when they were getting "lost in each other's eyes" and being intense. Only this time instead of going in for a kiss, her eyes narrowed.
"Are you sure this won't be too big of an imposition? You can say yes, it's okay."
He still wanted to do it.
While talking he took off his newsboy cap and put it on her head. "For your 'hat stealing photo' collection." She smiled at him, snapped a photo, and gave it back. Later she posted it on social media and he was one of the first to like it. He really seemed to be making strides in being okay with people knowing they are friends.
Between taking care of her and finally going for an STD/HIV test, she wasn't sure what level of "friendship" they'd reached. For a fleeting moment she thought he had taken the romantic comedy pact to heart. She guessed only time would tell his true intentions.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Woke
"I want to. I'm just unsure of my abilities." KSL had been deemed the one to be the host of his friend's wake.
"Yeah. Alcohol will help."
"Yeah"
She asked when it would be, and he didn't answer her until the next day. She had work that Sunday, but said she would ask if she could be late.
She went to work and asked, and they were very nice about telling her that she could be late.
"Uhm, I don't even know if you would be on the guest list. You didn't know him."
Her face went red with embarrassment. She didn't know how a wake worked, she assumed it was whomever wanted to show up. If it was invite only, of course she didn't expect to be on the guest list. Why did he let it go on this long without telling her that?
"Well I don't really know what it is. I'm not the organizer. But I've been told to limit the invitees to those that knew or worked with him in some capacity. I wasn't trying to be rude. Just giving you a head's up."
"I'm sorry, I feel like a dick or something. Your support is super appreciated."
"You didn't overstep. I appreciate your concern and support. Please don't be mad."
"You can do it. And you can do it well. It's a wake not a funeral."
"Yeah. Alcohol will help."
"However it shakes out, he would've loved it. And in the end that's what matters. And if you want to get totally trashed I'll be your DD."
"Yeah"
She asked when it would be, and he didn't answer her until the next day. She had work that Sunday, but said she would ask if she could be late.
She went to work and asked, and they were very nice about telling her that she could be late.
"They said I could show up at 5 so I'm good."
"Uhm, I don't even know if you would be on the guest list. You didn't know him."
Her face went red with embarrassment. She didn't know how a wake worked, she assumed it was whomever wanted to show up. If it was invite only, of course she didn't expect to be on the guest list. Why did he let it go on this long without telling her that?
"I thought it was an open thing and I was coming to support you and drive you home. If I'm not invited then I guess never mind."
"Well I don't really know what it is. I'm not the organizer. But I've been told to limit the invitees to those that knew or worked with him in some capacity. I wasn't trying to be rude. Just giving you a head's up."
"I know, my mistake. I'll tell work never mind."
"I'm sorry, I feel like a dick or something. Your support is super appreciated."
"Don't feel like a dick, I misunderstood. You're not wrong, I didn't know him and if it's an invite only thing I don't expect to be invited. I was just trying to be there for you and clearly overstepped."
"You didn't overstep. I appreciate your concern and support. Please don't be mad."
"I'm not mad dude. A little embarrassed but not mad."
The truth was she was beyond embarrassed. She was mortified she had made that mistake. After this and the Pilot standing her up, she was beginning to feel like she just left her heart out to be stepped on every time she put herself out there.
And she wasn't sure how to fix it.
When she told MG about it, she wasn't nice. "You were a pretty big cunt about it. You and KSL are basically just in a toxic relationship. You are a shit show, you are what I was a couple of years ago. You need to just not speak to him for 3 months to get him out of your system."
MG was quitting smoking so she tried to take it with a grain of salt, but it was really difficult. She felt even more stepped on and exposed than before.
When she told MG about it, she wasn't nice. "You were a pretty big cunt about it. You and KSL are basically just in a toxic relationship. You are a shit show, you are what I was a couple of years ago. You need to just not speak to him for 3 months to get him out of your system."
MG was quitting smoking so she tried to take it with a grain of salt, but it was really difficult. She felt even more stepped on and exposed than before.
Monday, February 20, 2017
Celebrate Good Times Now Stop
"We have to go out tonight to celebrate your new job! How exciting is that!?!?" MG exclaimed.
In reality, she was exhausted. It had been a hard week for her, without much sleep. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping in anytime soon. MG seemed determined, however, so they set out to celebrate. Banana joined them and MG took no time in tossing her drinks back quickly.
They moved onto another bar where MG immediately befriended a group of people and started the giant Truth or Dare Jenga game the bar provided. She tried to play with them but really wasn't feeling it. She went and talked to some other friends she saw at the bar, and then told them she was going to walk home. She asked Banana to watch over MG and drive her to her apartment later so she could sleep it off.
On her way home she encountered a couple where the male was attempting jumping on a rock that went horribly wrong. He went down fast and hard, and her heart went out to him.
"Buddy, are you okay?" She asked, walking over to him. He stood up fast, and before she knew what was happening he had shoved her. He was extremely inebriated, so it was a weak push, but it was a shove just the same. "Hey, stay away from me!"
"Dude, why do you have to have so much hate in your heart?" She asked, almost yelling at him. He looked almost ashamed, as his girlfriend apologized for his behavior. She walked away without another word. She had obviously had a little too much to drink herself.
She left her apartment unlocked, made up the couch, and went to sleep. Her dehydrated body woke her two hours later, demanding water. After she gulped some down, she realized it was past last call and there was no MG on her couch.
She went back and forth texting MG, who was clearly 10 times more drunk than when she left her. She got into the car to drive down where she was to pick her up. MG became angry and said she could take care of herself, and hung up on her.
She left a scathing message on MG's voicemail, threatening not only not moving in with her, but stopping being her friend altogether.
Eventually she found her on the street. She yelled at her to get in the car, and MG ended up puking in the parking garage for a few minutes.
The next morning they took a sobriety pack together.
In reality, she was exhausted. It had been a hard week for her, without much sleep. She knew she wouldn't be sleeping in anytime soon. MG seemed determined, however, so they set out to celebrate. Banana joined them and MG took no time in tossing her drinks back quickly.
They moved onto another bar where MG immediately befriended a group of people and started the giant Truth or Dare Jenga game the bar provided. She tried to play with them but really wasn't feeling it. She went and talked to some other friends she saw at the bar, and then told them she was going to walk home. She asked Banana to watch over MG and drive her to her apartment later so she could sleep it off.
On her way home she encountered a couple where the male was attempting jumping on a rock that went horribly wrong. He went down fast and hard, and her heart went out to him.
"Buddy, are you okay?" She asked, walking over to him. He stood up fast, and before she knew what was happening he had shoved her. He was extremely inebriated, so it was a weak push, but it was a shove just the same. "Hey, stay away from me!"
"Dude, why do you have to have so much hate in your heart?" She asked, almost yelling at him. He looked almost ashamed, as his girlfriend apologized for his behavior. She walked away without another word. She had obviously had a little too much to drink herself.
She left her apartment unlocked, made up the couch, and went to sleep. Her dehydrated body woke her two hours later, demanding water. After she gulped some down, she realized it was past last call and there was no MG on her couch.
She went back and forth texting MG, who was clearly 10 times more drunk than when she left her. She got into the car to drive down where she was to pick her up. MG became angry and said she could take care of herself, and hung up on her.
She left a scathing message on MG's voicemail, threatening not only not moving in with her, but stopping being her friend altogether.
Eventually she found her on the street. She yelled at her to get in the car, and MG ended up puking in the parking garage for a few minutes.
The next morning they took a sobriety pack together.
Friday, January 27, 2017
Opening Night
Finally, her play that wouldn't end had finally made progress. It was finally opening night, and come hell or high water it would finish.
After a taxidermy head fell off the wall and a vase got smashed by a falling sword, but no one was hurt. In fact, in the face of everything the actors actually seemed to be on top of their lines for the first time ever.
They were in the home stretch when she got a text from MG asking to come out and drink. She instead invited her to the reception for the play, and said they would hit up a place to drink afterward.
After a boring reception, they headed over to a faux-dive bar with Acrobat, Banana, and JJ in tow. They played pool, coupled off and switched around when the mood suited them. All in all it was a fun time despite the temporary awkwardness of the recently split up of Banana and Acrobat.
MG and Acrobat were engaged in a deep conversation when she came back over from playing pool with a JJ. She reached out lovingly for MG, when MG recoiled and ran out of the bar.
"What did you say to her?!?" She yelled at Acrobat, who insisted they were just having a conversation about relationships.
She gave her a minute, then went after her. MG was smoking a cigarette and crying. "It's not you at all, I'm sorry. He just has a way of saying things that make you feel like the whole world is caving in, you know?"
She knew.
Soon afterward MG was making out with JJ after saying she wanted to leave. Reluctantly she went with her, and they went for a hamburger so that MG could throw up what she had been drinking that night.
MG slept on her couch until noon the next day.
After a taxidermy head fell off the wall and a vase got smashed by a falling sword, but no one was hurt. In fact, in the face of everything the actors actually seemed to be on top of their lines for the first time ever.
They were in the home stretch when she got a text from MG asking to come out and drink. She instead invited her to the reception for the play, and said they would hit up a place to drink afterward.
After a boring reception, they headed over to a faux-dive bar with Acrobat, Banana, and JJ in tow. They played pool, coupled off and switched around when the mood suited them. All in all it was a fun time despite the temporary awkwardness of the recently split up of Banana and Acrobat.
MG and Acrobat were engaged in a deep conversation when she came back over from playing pool with a JJ. She reached out lovingly for MG, when MG recoiled and ran out of the bar.
"What did you say to her?!?" She yelled at Acrobat, who insisted they were just having a conversation about relationships.
She gave her a minute, then went after her. MG was smoking a cigarette and crying. "It's not you at all, I'm sorry. He just has a way of saying things that make you feel like the whole world is caving in, you know?"
She knew.
Soon afterward MG was making out with JJ after saying she wanted to leave. Reluctantly she went with her, and they went for a hamburger so that MG could throw up what she had been drinking that night.
MG slept on her couch until noon the next day.
Wednesday, January 11, 2017
The Past You Didn't Leave Behind
"How goes?"
They had just spoken the night before. Usually he would let it cool off for a couple of days. What in the hell was his problem?
"I'm just worried about my show."
"You never sent me anything for the script."
So he sent stuff to her, including a piece that was extremely autobiographical. It included the "relationship" he had lied to her about. The deciding factor for cutting him out of her life.
She had managed to almost forget about it. Reading about it brought it all back. It made her sick that the girl he had accidentally dated had made it into his writing, and she had still...never made an impact on his life.
"That one was hard to read. Maybe just because I know it's true. But because it's true it might ring too true to actually get the laugh in the end. Or the hope. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's still hard for me, your whole "spark" thing. Maybe I'm too close to it. I'm not having a good day. Year. Life. Whatever."
"Just everything. Hard to be at work because it feels like the ax is going to drop any day and I can feel everyone's anxiety. Feeling like I'm too hard to love because I'm a fucking porcupine and I go on dates with guys who them delete their profiles after our first date. If I'm not worthy of employment or love or healthy friendships then what am I even still doing here. You know, the usual."
She took a deep breath and continued.
"Maybe that is why the whole spark thing is hitting me harder than it usually does. Like, we've officially made it to good friends that occasionally fuck but I'm not worthy of anything more. And never will be. Apparently."
"Hard not to take it personally."
"Because you are too close to it. You're also still very much freshly divorced. And a self-identified hypersensitive. A lot of the relationship stuff that often is brushed off by others is gonna be painful for you."
"The divorce is in the works, and the feelings are long gone. Were gone long before you made it onto the scene."
They had just spoken the night before. Usually he would let it cool off for a couple of days. What in the hell was his problem?
"I'm just worried about my show."
"You never sent me anything for the script."
So he sent stuff to her, including a piece that was extremely autobiographical. It included the "relationship" he had lied to her about. The deciding factor for cutting him out of her life.
She had managed to almost forget about it. Reading about it brought it all back. It made her sick that the girl he had accidentally dated had made it into his writing, and she had still...never made an impact on his life.
"Any of the scripts your favorite?"
"That one was hard to read. Maybe just because I know it's true. But because it's true it might ring too true to actually get the laugh in the end. Or the hope. Maybe it's just me. Maybe it's still hard for me, your whole "spark" thing. Maybe I'm too close to it. I'm not having a good day. Year. Life. Whatever."
"What's going on?"
"Just everything. Hard to be at work because it feels like the ax is going to drop any day and I can feel everyone's anxiety. Feeling like I'm too hard to love because I'm a fucking porcupine and I go on dates with guys who them delete their profiles after our first date. If I'm not worthy of employment or love or healthy friendships then what am I even still doing here. You know, the usual."
She took a deep breath and continued.
"Maybe that is why the whole spark thing is hitting me harder than it usually does. Like, we've officially made it to good friends that occasionally fuck but I'm not worthy of anything more. And never will be. Apparently."
"It has nothing to do with your worth as a person, as far as you and I are concerned. Please know that."
"Hard not to take it personally."
"Because you are too close to it. You're also still very much freshly divorced. And a self-identified hypersensitive. A lot of the relationship stuff that often is brushed off by others is gonna be painful for you."
"The divorce is in the works, and the feelings are long gone. Were gone long before you made it onto the scene."
"Wasn't suggesting that it had anything to do with love. More the social stigma that comes with it. The fact that you have had to be strong for so long makes you more sensitive to all the bullshit baggage that comes with the dating world."
"I don't think this is regular bullshit baggage. I think most people just date. Or fuck. Or be friends. But hey, maybe it's just normal for you."
***
MG saw the bruise on her arm later that day. She was caught, and told her that she had slept with KSL on New Years. She didn't tell her about any of the times before, and swore her to secrecy. She hoped to God that she didn't tell anyone.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Rockin' Eve Part 1
Dawn walked in and was unable to sit down. She was agitated, very upset. As the countdown show raged behind her, she cried about her new relationship. He was spending time with his ex again, and had just invited her to use the mediation app that was their "thing." She was hurt, and wasn't sure that she could get past it.
They had been dating three months. It hit her as she was talking that their first kiss was the end of her and Piz. Three months and she still wasn't over him. How embarrassing. She decided then and there that it was time to stop. She needed to completely put Piz out of her mind and stop letting him have a hold on her heart.
She comforted Dawn, who calmed down after awhile and managed to enjoy herself a little bit as they chatted and snacked on Dawn's vegan cheese. She got a call from Goldie, who lived on the wrong side of the building for fireworks and wanted to come over for the count down with her husband and dog. She agreed, and 15 minutes before midnight, MG said she was heading over and had invited a mutual friend, JJ.
Her introvert New Year's Eve had blown up in her face. She'd never had this many people in her apartment.
They all stepped outside and watched the fireworks rage for almost 20 minutes. They headed back inside and she checked on her phone to see that KSL had texted her "HAPPY NEW YEAR"
She responded in kind and asked if the two parties he was invited to were fun. He said he should have stayed at the first one as it was more fun. Dawn interjected, "You should invite him over, everyone is here!"
So she went against her better judgment and sent off the text "Well still kicking it here with a couple of people."
Before she could send the second text inviting him, he called. She answered, and MG decided it was time for her to leave. She was saying goodbye to MG and KSL took it as her saying goodbye to him and hung up. She texted him after closing the door on MG.
"I was saying goodbye to MG not you silly. So legit I didn't hear a word you said over the phone. I was inviting you over to hang but I guess have a happy new year."
He called a second time. He was close and could head over.
There was a knock at the door, and JJ was on the other side. Goldie and her husband and dog left, so it was just JJ and Dawn. Her party was dwindling, and it was going to look silly when KSL got there.
The doorbell rang.
They had been dating three months. It hit her as she was talking that their first kiss was the end of her and Piz. Three months and she still wasn't over him. How embarrassing. She decided then and there that it was time to stop. She needed to completely put Piz out of her mind and stop letting him have a hold on her heart.
She comforted Dawn, who calmed down after awhile and managed to enjoy herself a little bit as they chatted and snacked on Dawn's vegan cheese. She got a call from Goldie, who lived on the wrong side of the building for fireworks and wanted to come over for the count down with her husband and dog. She agreed, and 15 minutes before midnight, MG said she was heading over and had invited a mutual friend, JJ.
Her introvert New Year's Eve had blown up in her face. She'd never had this many people in her apartment.
They all stepped outside and watched the fireworks rage for almost 20 minutes. They headed back inside and she checked on her phone to see that KSL had texted her "HAPPY NEW YEAR"
She responded in kind and asked if the two parties he was invited to were fun. He said he should have stayed at the first one as it was more fun. Dawn interjected, "You should invite him over, everyone is here!"
So she went against her better judgment and sent off the text "Well still kicking it here with a couple of people."
Before she could send the second text inviting him, he called. She answered, and MG decided it was time for her to leave. She was saying goodbye to MG and KSL took it as her saying goodbye to him and hung up. She texted him after closing the door on MG.
"I was saying goodbye to MG not you silly. So legit I didn't hear a word you said over the phone. I was inviting you over to hang but I guess have a happy new year."
He called a second time. He was close and could head over.
There was a knock at the door, and JJ was on the other side. Goldie and her husband and dog left, so it was just JJ and Dawn. Her party was dwindling, and it was going to look silly when KSL got there.
The doorbell rang.
Thursday, January 5, 2017
Quixotic
"Caught up in the Romance of noble deeds and the pursuit of unreachable goals; idealistic without regard to practicality."
She had a "When Harry Met Sally" style fantasy. She would be spending New Year's Eve alone, watching the ball drop and gearing up to the watch the downtown fireworks from her balcony. Just before midnight, her doorbell would ring.
He would be standing there, and an electric moment would pass between them. They would kiss, and she would know they were meant to be together, that he was finally in it for the semi-long haul.
It would be either Piz or KSL, waiting to give her the speech. They couldn't spend another moment apart from her, and wanted to be with her. Only her.
She wasn't sure which she wanted to be at her door more. It didn't much matter, since it wasn't going to happen. Not with Piz, not with KSL...not with her ex. She would spend the evening with Dawn and MG, they would go home, and she would cry herself to sleep.
The truth was, she wouldn't end up getting to sleep until 7:00 AM.
She had a "When Harry Met Sally" style fantasy. She would be spending New Year's Eve alone, watching the ball drop and gearing up to the watch the downtown fireworks from her balcony. Just before midnight, her doorbell would ring.
He would be standing there, and an electric moment would pass between them. They would kiss, and she would know they were meant to be together, that he was finally in it for the semi-long haul.
It would be either Piz or KSL, waiting to give her the speech. They couldn't spend another moment apart from her, and wanted to be with her. Only her.
She wasn't sure which she wanted to be at her door more. It didn't much matter, since it wasn't going to happen. Not with Piz, not with KSL...not with her ex. She would spend the evening with Dawn and MG, they would go home, and she would cry herself to sleep.
The truth was, she wouldn't end up getting to sleep until 7:00 AM.
Friday, November 4, 2016
Standing Up to Sit Down
She made a last minute decision to shirk her responsibilities at the Improv show and go to see a stand up comedian that was in town with MG. There was no food in her house, so she had a glass of wine instead. Drinking to forget was kind of becoming her thing for the week.
She spilled what had happened to MG, who seemed too wrapped up in her own excitement over the comedian to really focus. She felt more alone than ever before, and wondered what had really gone wrong for her.
She put on her mask of happiness, and spent the evening being nice, listening to MG, laughing a little too hard at the stand up acts, and drinking. Before the night was over, she was very buzzed, and still putting on a brave face.
She wondered how long much longer she would have to do that.
She spilled what had happened to MG, who seemed too wrapped up in her own excitement over the comedian to really focus. She felt more alone than ever before, and wondered what had really gone wrong for her.
She put on her mask of happiness, and spent the evening being nice, listening to MG, laughing a little too hard at the stand up acts, and drinking. Before the night was over, she was very buzzed, and still putting on a brave face.
She wondered how long much longer she would have to do that.
Monday, October 17, 2016
Leave Your Conscience At The Tone Part 3
She texted Acrobat, who had just broken up with Banana and could also use some cheering up. He had other plans. She reached out to two actors from her previous two productions, both weren't up for going out and/or had to work. Dawn was coming with a mutual friend, and MG was also coming, so at least she wouldn't be totally alone.
She thought about KSL, about how sad he had looked this morning. She was sure he needed to get it all out of his system as well.
"Dive Bar Dancing?" she texted.
"K. Need to drink the night away right now. The hits just kept on coming today."
"Not really. Set aside all day tomorrow to celebrate Piz's birthday. He just told me he needs to study instead. So might as well nurse a hangover instead. Peak loneliness indeed."
She walked into the dive bar, where she took selfies in the bathroom with MG, Dawn, and their mutual friend. She danced with MG, and MG pulled a cougar onto the dance floor. She drank way too many dirty martinis. Dawn's flavor of the week arrived, and they spent the evening talking about the din of the bad house band.
MG got a text right before her phone died that one of her friends needed her. She told MG that was fine, that she would find another ride. As if by magic, her phone went off.
"You should come save me."
"Like from myself."
"But like after one dance."
"This is where I am in life."
"By the dance floor."
He came and sat down in their booth. She introduced him around, he thanked them for coming to his show a few hours earlier. He refused to dance, and they sat and laughed at the people on the dance floor for a few minutes. Dawn left to walk her flavor out to his car.
"Ready to go?" KSL asked her.
"Yeah," she said, "Just wait until Dawn gets back so I can say goodbye."
Dawn bounced back in a few hours later and sat back down with a huge grin. "Oh my god, you got kissed!!!!" She screamed over the music. She stood up and reached over the table and planted a kiss on Dawn's forehead.
"The night isn't getting any better after that, we can go." She patted KSL's leg with authority so he would stand up.
They walked to his roommates car, which he was driving until she came back into town in a few days later. Then he would have to beg his mom to borrow her car again until he could afford to fix his own.
They sat in the parking lot in the car talking for awhile. She leaned against the back of the seat so she was facing him. She stole his hat, slowly, waiting for him to protest. He didn't. She took a selfie with it and then put it back on his head. It must have been a terrible day for him, his wall was completely down.
He finally started the car and took her the short distance home. He pulled up to the loading zone of her building. She thanked him for the ride, and for the fun time. They hadn't hung out as friends for awhile.
"I could come up for a drink."
She shrugged, and slurred "You could come up for a drink."
He took a sharp turn out into the street and into the back alley to park.
She thought about KSL, about how sad he had looked this morning. She was sure he needed to get it all out of his system as well.
"Dive Bar Dancing?" she texted.
"At another bar. Friend's band is playing. Maybe after."
"K. Need to drink the night away right now. The hits just kept on coming today."
"You okay?"
"Not really. Set aside all day tomorrow to celebrate Piz's birthday. He just told me he needs to study instead. So might as well nurse a hangover instead. Peak loneliness indeed."
"Nice callback. I'll check with you in a bit, yeah?"
She walked into the dive bar, where she took selfies in the bathroom with MG, Dawn, and their mutual friend. She danced with MG, and MG pulled a cougar onto the dance floor. She drank way too many dirty martinis. Dawn's flavor of the week arrived, and they spent the evening talking about the din of the bad house band.
MG got a text right before her phone died that one of her friends needed her. She told MG that was fine, that she would find another ride. As if by magic, her phone went off.
"How goes?"
"You should come save me."
"Like from myself."
"But like after one dance."
"This is where I am in life."
"Okay, gimme a few. I'm on my way."
4 minutes later he texted "I'm here, where are you?"
"By the dance floor."
He came and sat down in their booth. She introduced him around, he thanked them for coming to his show a few hours earlier. He refused to dance, and they sat and laughed at the people on the dance floor for a few minutes. Dawn left to walk her flavor out to his car.
"Ready to go?" KSL asked her.
"Yeah," she said, "Just wait until Dawn gets back so I can say goodbye."
Dawn bounced back in a few hours later and sat back down with a huge grin. "Oh my god, you got kissed!!!!" She screamed over the music. She stood up and reached over the table and planted a kiss on Dawn's forehead.
"The night isn't getting any better after that, we can go." She patted KSL's leg with authority so he would stand up.
They walked to his roommates car, which he was driving until she came back into town in a few days later. Then he would have to beg his mom to borrow her car again until he could afford to fix his own.
They sat in the parking lot in the car talking for awhile. She leaned against the back of the seat so she was facing him. She stole his hat, slowly, waiting for him to protest. He didn't. She took a selfie with it and then put it back on his head. It must have been a terrible day for him, his wall was completely down.
He finally started the car and took her the short distance home. He pulled up to the loading zone of her building. She thanked him for the ride, and for the fun time. They hadn't hung out as friends for awhile.
"I could come up for a drink."
She shrugged, and slurred "You could come up for a drink."
He took a sharp turn out into the street and into the back alley to park.
Friday, October 14, 2016
Leave Your Conscience At The Tone Part 2
"Okay, not to be a jerk, but this is the 3rd conversation we've had about this exact same problem. You need to work this out with him...or like, just be busier so you don't obsess about it."
"You're right, I shouldn't have this much free time." She told MG. MG was right of course, eventually something had to give. It was upsetting that he still checked the dating site everyday, and she always felt like she was coming in last place to his school or nap times. She was conflicted, but Goldie had made her promise to be cool about everything. She was trying, but it felt like she was being pushed aside in the process.
She texted Piz right before the show asking how his day had gone. An hour later he finally texted back that he just woke up from a nap. He asked how she was, and she told him the day had been really hard, and she was going dancing at a dive bar after Improv to get drunk and forget about the day. It was her cry for help, saying she needed him. He said he was going to keep studying, and the next day his dad was going to take him out to dinner for his birthday.
"Wait," she thought to herself, she was supposed to take him to dinner for his birthday. Was this his way of telling her? What would Goldie say? Goldie would tell her to play it cool.
She responded that was nice of him, and did he want to do something during the day with her instead?
"Today I was just catching up on homework but I've got an accounting exam next week that I should probably start studying for."
That didn't answer her question. He was being overly evasive. She tried her best to keep her temper in check and asked "So, you don't want to hang tomorrow?"
"I know it's my birthday but I need to study for this exam. We can hang out sometime next week."
She saw red. He didn't have a job right now, so he had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to study for this exam. What red blooded American male didn't want a birthday blow job from the girl he was seeing? The fucking nerd wanted to study instead?
And, hang out "sometime next week?" What kind of vague ass thing was that? Usually he was very specific about time frames. Was he losing interest? Was this because after marathon sex she had fallen asleep? She had been so tired! They'd been out doing stuff all that day...was he holding it against her, or thinking she couldn't keep up? She was so hurt, and knew that she couldn't show it. Goldie told her to be cool girl, and Cool Girl she would be.
"That's okay. Have a good night and a good birthday tomorrow." She knew she wasn't about to send him a birthday text the next day.
"Thanks for understanding. You have a good night too!"
She threw out one last lure. "Thanks! Tonight isn't going to be good...lost of drinking my feelings."
"Ok, be safe."
She felt as if she'd lost the whole relationship. She was so angry. She texted back "No promises!"
She started texting everyone she could think of that would comfort her in her time of need.
"You're right, I shouldn't have this much free time." She told MG. MG was right of course, eventually something had to give. It was upsetting that he still checked the dating site everyday, and she always felt like she was coming in last place to his school or nap times. She was conflicted, but Goldie had made her promise to be cool about everything. She was trying, but it felt like she was being pushed aside in the process.
She texted Piz right before the show asking how his day had gone. An hour later he finally texted back that he just woke up from a nap. He asked how she was, and she told him the day had been really hard, and she was going dancing at a dive bar after Improv to get drunk and forget about the day. It was her cry for help, saying she needed him. He said he was going to keep studying, and the next day his dad was going to take him out to dinner for his birthday.
"Wait," she thought to herself, she was supposed to take him to dinner for his birthday. Was this his way of telling her? What would Goldie say? Goldie would tell her to play it cool.
She responded that was nice of him, and did he want to do something during the day with her instead?
"Today I was just catching up on homework but I've got an accounting exam next week that I should probably start studying for."
That didn't answer her question. He was being overly evasive. She tried her best to keep her temper in check and asked "So, you don't want to hang tomorrow?"
"I know it's my birthday but I need to study for this exam. We can hang out sometime next week."
She saw red. He didn't have a job right now, so he had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to study for this exam. What red blooded American male didn't want a birthday blow job from the girl he was seeing? The fucking nerd wanted to study instead?
And, hang out "sometime next week?" What kind of vague ass thing was that? Usually he was very specific about time frames. Was he losing interest? Was this because after marathon sex she had fallen asleep? She had been so tired! They'd been out doing stuff all that day...was he holding it against her, or thinking she couldn't keep up? She was so hurt, and knew that she couldn't show it. Goldie told her to be cool girl, and Cool Girl she would be.
"That's okay. Have a good night and a good birthday tomorrow." She knew she wasn't about to send him a birthday text the next day.
"Thanks for understanding. You have a good night too!"
She threw out one last lure. "Thanks! Tonight isn't going to be good...lost of drinking my feelings."
"Ok, be safe."
She felt as if she'd lost the whole relationship. She was so angry. She texted back "No promises!"
She started texting everyone she could think of that would comfort her in her time of need.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Yes And...
"Ready to meet the troupe?" She asked. She felt she had adequately prepared him for the ego-show that was her funny group of Improvers.
He was ready.
They got a vodka red bull to enjoy the show with, and laughed about how terrible their drink choices were. It was a party drink, but they had zero plans to party.
During the show he laughed out loud more times than she'd ever seen him laugh. It was hard to tell with his ultra introvert status, but he did really seem to like it. He said SD was fantastic, and it really was a marvel she was great at all considering that her brother had died the week before. The funeral was next week, and she knew she had to go but was dreading it.
She became nervous when he finally met BFF and Goldie for a minute after the show. Both of them were great and engaging with him. She asked BFF why her boyfriend wasn't there.
"Well," BFF began, "He told me that he wasn't really feeling that great and so he wasn't coming to the show tonight, and I was upset...but then he took me out for sushi so it's fine now."
She laughed and turned to Piz and said "For future reference, if you ever need to tell me something horrible, it won't be that bad if you take me out for sushi afterwards. Literally almost anything can be made better with a sushi meal."
He really stood on his own, and they talked as they were the only ones at their table. The subject of a hot springs weekend trip was made up, and they looked up the place on her phone to check it out.
"They have regular rooms and they have dorm style rooms with other people!" She said in horror.
He deadpanned "I get top bunk."
They laughed and she said they might both get top bunk if the place was all booked up. They looked at the site a little more before deciding the place was out of their budget, even if they did take the bunk beds. Another dream laid to rest. She was beginning to think that they would never actually get a weekend away.
They went back to her studio and had another round of marathon sex.
He was ready.
They got a vodka red bull to enjoy the show with, and laughed about how terrible their drink choices were. It was a party drink, but they had zero plans to party.
During the show he laughed out loud more times than she'd ever seen him laugh. It was hard to tell with his ultra introvert status, but he did really seem to like it. He said SD was fantastic, and it really was a marvel she was great at all considering that her brother had died the week before. The funeral was next week, and she knew she had to go but was dreading it.
She became nervous when he finally met BFF and Goldie for a minute after the show. Both of them were great and engaging with him. She asked BFF why her boyfriend wasn't there.
"Well," BFF began, "He told me that he wasn't really feeling that great and so he wasn't coming to the show tonight, and I was upset...but then he took me out for sushi so it's fine now."
She laughed and turned to Piz and said "For future reference, if you ever need to tell me something horrible, it won't be that bad if you take me out for sushi afterwards. Literally almost anything can be made better with a sushi meal."
He really stood on his own, and they talked as they were the only ones at their table. The subject of a hot springs weekend trip was made up, and they looked up the place on her phone to check it out.
"They have regular rooms and they have dorm style rooms with other people!" She said in horror.
He deadpanned "I get top bunk."
They laughed and she said they might both get top bunk if the place was all booked up. They looked at the site a little more before deciding the place was out of their budget, even if they did take the bunk beds. Another dream laid to rest. She was beginning to think that they would never actually get a weekend away.
They went back to her studio and had another round of marathon sex.
Monday, October 3, 2016
Trust Fall
"I can't trust it." MG said of her budding relationship.
"I can't trust mine either."
"What is wrong with us? It's good, why can't we live in the now and just accept that they like us, they are attracted to us, and that's awesome? Why do we have to live in the future and fuck up our present?"
"I don't know. I'm so fucked up."
"I want to bail out. I want to be like, forget it. I'm not getting hurt again, I can't do this." She meant it. If Piz wasn't so sick, she might just have just ended it tonight. I mean, he said he sometimes just loses interest and leaves people! And then says "not to alarm you or anything" as if there was some other reaction besides alarm bells going off like crazy in her head.
Part of her wanted to run. Never answer his texts again, change her number, something drastic. The last thing she wanted to be was left behind. How did she manage to get herself into a position where she could be rejected like this? Is this how ALL new relationships were?
According to Goldie the next day, they were. Goldie said she needed to stop overthinking, stop reacting when she saw the worry in his eyes, and just keep enjoying it like she didn't know any better.
She was sure going to try. It helped that she wouldn't see him until Thursday, and it was only Sunday.
She sent him the text messages that she would normally send him during the week, and on days where she didn't text him at lunch he would text her by the afternoon. She encouraged him to do well on his presentation, and he told her to have a good day...and that he'd be thinking about her.
How was she supposed to maintain this balancing act of falling, yet not falling for him? He had to stop saying cute shit.
"I can't trust mine either."
"What is wrong with us? It's good, why can't we live in the now and just accept that they like us, they are attracted to us, and that's awesome? Why do we have to live in the future and fuck up our present?"
"I don't know. I'm so fucked up."
"I want to bail out. I want to be like, forget it. I'm not getting hurt again, I can't do this." She meant it. If Piz wasn't so sick, she might just have just ended it tonight. I mean, he said he sometimes just loses interest and leaves people! And then says "not to alarm you or anything" as if there was some other reaction besides alarm bells going off like crazy in her head.
Part of her wanted to run. Never answer his texts again, change her number, something drastic. The last thing she wanted to be was left behind. How did she manage to get herself into a position where she could be rejected like this? Is this how ALL new relationships were?
According to Goldie the next day, they were. Goldie said she needed to stop overthinking, stop reacting when she saw the worry in his eyes, and just keep enjoying it like she didn't know any better.
She was sure going to try. It helped that she wouldn't see him until Thursday, and it was only Sunday.
She sent him the text messages that she would normally send him during the week, and on days where she didn't text him at lunch he would text her by the afternoon. She encouraged him to do well on his presentation, and he told her to have a good day...and that he'd be thinking about her.
How was she supposed to maintain this balancing act of falling, yet not falling for him? He had to stop saying cute shit.
Monday, September 26, 2016
Whine Walk
"I'm in your lobby and I'm drunk, come join us on the rest of the wine walk!" MG had called her up, as she said she might, so that she could meet the new boyfriend.
Piz was away for the weekend and her other plans weren't until much later in the evening. She put on pants and went downstairs. It was hard being the sober one in a mix full of drunks, but she managed. MG's friend was there, and the Near-Boyfriend. They had sex for the first time the night before, she learned through stage whispers while trailing behind the boys on the way to the next stop.
"I really, really like this guy. Like, a lot" She almost pleaded with her. "I know you are so quick to judge people, and you are never wrong...what do you think of him?"
"It's been minutes MG, give me like half a conversation with him first. I can tell he's very chill. He's not being an asshole."
MG insisted on buying them shots at the next bar, which hilariously came in a syringe penis. MG was already so drunk that she accidentally moved it out of her mouth and it shot everywhere, getting in her hair and on her shirt.
There was a girl doing free face painting that drew a panda on MG's face, and mermaid scales on hers. When she looked in the mirror it looked like the shellback that Piz had tattooed on his arm from his days in the Coast Guard. She texted a photo to him, but he was busy at a music festival and didn't respond.
MG got more and more drunk even though they had slowed down in their drinking. Except for the penis, she was stone cold sober. It wasn't really fun, but she talked to MG's friend since it had turned into a bizzare not-double blind date. The guy was nice enough but kind of a loser, or not really well educated.
They ended up taking a long walk to go get food, and MG fell asleep at the table. She suddenly realized she had a really long walk home, and checked to see what the price of an uber would be. She decided to walk the three miles instead of pay the $8 it would have cost, and by the time she got home she was too tired to do anything but lay on the couch in pain.
Her phone dinged, and it was Piz. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros had just came off the stage, and he had recorded "Home" for her. She didn't expect him to do the whole song, and she fell even more for him though he was many many miles away.
Piz was away for the weekend and her other plans weren't until much later in the evening. She put on pants and went downstairs. It was hard being the sober one in a mix full of drunks, but she managed. MG's friend was there, and the Near-Boyfriend. They had sex for the first time the night before, she learned through stage whispers while trailing behind the boys on the way to the next stop.
"I really, really like this guy. Like, a lot" She almost pleaded with her. "I know you are so quick to judge people, and you are never wrong...what do you think of him?"
"It's been minutes MG, give me like half a conversation with him first. I can tell he's very chill. He's not being an asshole."
MG insisted on buying them shots at the next bar, which hilariously came in a syringe penis. MG was already so drunk that she accidentally moved it out of her mouth and it shot everywhere, getting in her hair and on her shirt.
There was a girl doing free face painting that drew a panda on MG's face, and mermaid scales on hers. When she looked in the mirror it looked like the shellback that Piz had tattooed on his arm from his days in the Coast Guard. She texted a photo to him, but he was busy at a music festival and didn't respond.
MG got more and more drunk even though they had slowed down in their drinking. Except for the penis, she was stone cold sober. It wasn't really fun, but she talked to MG's friend since it had turned into a bizzare not-double blind date. The guy was nice enough but kind of a loser, or not really well educated.
They ended up taking a long walk to go get food, and MG fell asleep at the table. She suddenly realized she had a really long walk home, and checked to see what the price of an uber would be. She decided to walk the three miles instead of pay the $8 it would have cost, and by the time she got home she was too tired to do anything but lay on the couch in pain.
Her phone dinged, and it was Piz. Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros had just came off the stage, and he had recorded "Home" for her. She didn't expect him to do the whole song, and she fell even more for him though he was many many miles away.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Fight or Flight
It was Goldie's husband's birthday. She and MG had shared a ride to the location, and were enjoying themselves at the pre-gaming bar. Suddenly MG looked up and said "Oh...oh, your ex is here."
She felt bile raise in her throat, and she felt the panic start. What was he doing there? I guess they were his friends too, but she just felt like the rug was pulled out from under her.
MG moved over so that he could sit down next to her, the exact opposite of what she wanted in the situation. She ended up giving the wine she didn't like to him, and some of her avocado egg roll. She suddenly had no desire to eat, drink, or be merry. He puppy-dogged her the entire way to the arcade, the next location. She pulled MG into the bathroom as they got there.
"I can't do this MG. I'm so sorry, and I'm sure that Goldie will drive you home if you want to stay. I can't do it, I can't be around him when he's constantly my shadow like this. I need to leave."
MG talked her into staying for 15 minutes and trying to power through it. As more people arrive, she started to panic more, as if she wasn't going to make it through. She gave a look to MG, who said they had to go and she was unable to answer or meet the eyes of Goldie. She felt ashamed for letting this situation get to her, but she had to get out.
They barely made it to the car before her first tear fell. She slowly leaked tears all the way home, not being able to figure out exactly why she got so upset, why she felt she had to leave so badly. He just made her feel uncomfortable in crowds, as he continued to act like they were a couple...moreso than when they were actually a couple. Her leaving had somehow activated how much he loved her, whereas it had only strengthened for her the fact that she no longer loved him. She felt aggravated by his attention. She also felt guilty that she left a birthday party for selfish reasons. She should have gotten herself together.
Later Goldie messaged and called her. She was with KSL and didn't answer. When she called back, they both apologized to each other and all was well. She still felt guilty and promised that she would hold it together regardless.
Her test came the very next day, when there was a festival that Goldie was judging, and the ex happened to be there with Goldie's husband. She spent time with them until she had to leave to meet someone for coffee.
She had hung on, and she knew that it wouldn't happen that way again.
She also knew she was running away from what needed to happen. There needed to be an announcement, or a legal split soon. For now, she just wanted to keep running.
She felt bile raise in her throat, and she felt the panic start. What was he doing there? I guess they were his friends too, but she just felt like the rug was pulled out from under her.
MG moved over so that he could sit down next to her, the exact opposite of what she wanted in the situation. She ended up giving the wine she didn't like to him, and some of her avocado egg roll. She suddenly had no desire to eat, drink, or be merry. He puppy-dogged her the entire way to the arcade, the next location. She pulled MG into the bathroom as they got there.
"I can't do this MG. I'm so sorry, and I'm sure that Goldie will drive you home if you want to stay. I can't do it, I can't be around him when he's constantly my shadow like this. I need to leave."
MG talked her into staying for 15 minutes and trying to power through it. As more people arrive, she started to panic more, as if she wasn't going to make it through. She gave a look to MG, who said they had to go and she was unable to answer or meet the eyes of Goldie. She felt ashamed for letting this situation get to her, but she had to get out.
They barely made it to the car before her first tear fell. She slowly leaked tears all the way home, not being able to figure out exactly why she got so upset, why she felt she had to leave so badly. He just made her feel uncomfortable in crowds, as he continued to act like they were a couple...moreso than when they were actually a couple. Her leaving had somehow activated how much he loved her, whereas it had only strengthened for her the fact that she no longer loved him. She felt aggravated by his attention. She also felt guilty that she left a birthday party for selfish reasons. She should have gotten herself together.
Later Goldie messaged and called her. She was with KSL and didn't answer. When she called back, they both apologized to each other and all was well. She still felt guilty and promised that she would hold it together regardless.
Her test came the very next day, when there was a festival that Goldie was judging, and the ex happened to be there with Goldie's husband. She spent time with them until she had to leave to meet someone for coffee.
She had hung on, and she knew that it wouldn't happen that way again.
She also knew she was running away from what needed to happen. There needed to be an announcement, or a legal split soon. For now, she just wanted to keep running.
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