They had to be up at 4am to make their flight.
Strike 1.
The sun rose as their plane made their decent into the city. She tried to keep up with conversation, the energy and excitement of the trip.
They got into town and she ordered a Rideshare, who promptly called her and asked how many people she had, and said he couldn't accommodate her and she needed to cancel the ride. The other girls yelled at her as soon as she had told them about it, like the guy had been her fault.
Strike 2.
They got to the hotel, that was of course not ready to check them in yet. They spent time in the lobby talking about nothing for what seemed like hours. Her introvert battery was quickly drained.
They decided to go to brunch early, and she decided to see how far she could walk before Mo came to pick her up at noon. According to her Fitbit, about 17,000 steps later, Mo came to pick her up with his wife and baby, and they headed to their favorite sushi restaurant.
It was the first time meeting his baby, and he reached out for her immediately, which made her feel good. She needed to make time to go down and visit him, maybe later on in the summertime.
They met up with other friends and had an amazing time eating. Back at the hotel, the girls had gotten drunk at brunch, and all started to text her that they wanted pizza. She had just gorged herself on sushi and didn't appreciate that they all started to gang up on her, texting five or six times in a row. She made a decision to ignore their texts, because otherwise she would end up back at the hotel in a rage.
They were drunk and cranky when she got back, and she left an hour later to go out drinking with Mo. They laughed, talked, bar hopped, and had a great time. She missed him so much, and when his wife asked if the schools were better in her town, she said yes without even knowing if they were. It would be amazing if they moved to where she lived.
Things were getting a little better with him and his wife, and she was glad they seemed to be working things out. She talked to him about her relationship woes, and they commiserated with more cocktails.
She didn't get to see him the rest of the weekend, and spent much of it on her own exploring her old haunts. The girls got more and more drunk and belligerent as the weekend wore on, and it was testing her nerves.
Goldie got upset that her PJs had gone missing, but the maids had been in and made the beds, and must have put it with all the other clothes that were lying on the other bed. When she suggested this she was berated again by the girls for how stupid of an idea that was.
Strike 3. She was done.
Goldie got upset that she wasn't helping them look. "They are lost forever." She stated coldly. Later they of course found it in the exact place they had told them to look. They responded by calling her sensitive...because that's the best way to make a sensitive person feel better, to call attention to their sensitivity.
The entire rest of the trip she became cold and unresponsive, just waiting for it all to be over.
Showing posts with label Mo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mo. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Friday, July 14, 2017
TMI
Sometimes technology provided people with too much power. She found herself with an overabundance of it during the weekend of broken promises.
The dating website had a Q&A section that she had almost forgotten about. She found herself with too much free time, and logged on to look at Nameless' answers.
What she found was so conflicting she ended up texting Mo at 1 in the morning. She had a gut feeling he'd be up anyway, maybe feeding his newborn.
"So what do you think it means if a guy has expressed on his dating profile that sex is extremely important to him, but in person he's not pushing it at all? Full of shit on his profile to make himself seem cool, being respectful, or not actually interested?"
Mo was quick to answer. "He just wants to fuck but is being gentleman-like. Every guy wants pussy--it's just how one goes about it that makes them suave, fake, or a fucking dick."
"It's throwing me off if he's so pussy centric then why hasn't he made a move or tried to pressure me into anything. You think he's just longhauling me?"
"He could be testing the waters because he could be like me...which means he's just making sure he actually wants to have sex with you. Like how picky I am you know?"
She knew. He wouldn't even talk to women if they didn't have the right kind of feet, as if that was something anyone could control.
She decided she needed to put this added knowledge to rest. Obviously he was interested in her, and she needed to give it all a rest and chill out.
The dating website had a Q&A section that she had almost forgotten about. She found herself with too much free time, and logged on to look at Nameless' answers.
What she found was so conflicting she ended up texting Mo at 1 in the morning. She had a gut feeling he'd be up anyway, maybe feeding his newborn.
"So what do you think it means if a guy has expressed on his dating profile that sex is extremely important to him, but in person he's not pushing it at all? Full of shit on his profile to make himself seem cool, being respectful, or not actually interested?"
Mo was quick to answer. "He just wants to fuck but is being gentleman-like. Every guy wants pussy--it's just how one goes about it that makes them suave, fake, or a fucking dick."
"It's throwing me off if he's so pussy centric then why hasn't he made a move or tried to pressure me into anything. You think he's just longhauling me?"
"He could be testing the waters because he could be like me...which means he's just making sure he actually wants to have sex with you. Like how picky I am you know?"
She knew. He wouldn't even talk to women if they didn't have the right kind of feet, as if that was something anyone could control.
She decided she needed to put this added knowledge to rest. Obviously he was interested in her, and she needed to give it all a rest and chill out.
Monday, July 3, 2017
The Sleep('s) Over
A full 24 hours passed in silence between them. It gave her plenty of time to feel gitty, freak out, and keep thinking about people she could tell. Because it wasn't a secret. She could tell anyone she wanted to. That was a nice change.
She was talking to Mo on the phone, filling him in on her dating life.
"I don't know if it's an insult or a compliment when he says he was licking his lips for 20 minutes trying to figure out the flavor of my lip balm."
Mo retorted, "He was licking his lips for 20 minutes thinking of you Penny! Take the compliment!"
She pushed the envelope anyway and texted Nameless back "I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult. I'd like to think it's an awesome olfactory siren call that reminds you of me...but the way you say it makes me think that you are kinda grossed out."
His response came 30 minutes later. "I was actually hoping I could make time soon just so I could do it again."
So, for the first time ever, they saw each other within 48 hours of the last date.
She went over to his house in comfy work out clothes to watch the movie late that night. She brought some rum and some coke, and because his directions to the house were confusing he said to text when she got there. He walked out to meet her and waiting until they were inside to give her a little side hug. She sort of expected a kiss but guessed he was "starting over" again. She realized it was the first hug they had ever had also.
He turned off his air conditioner and they settled in on the laptop to watch the movie, him not making a move to cuddle at all. Finally she told him he needed to turn the air back on, as she was so hot she was starting to sweat. He concurred, and also brought out a pair of in-ear headphones back, because now the air would be too loud and they wouldn't be able to hear the movie. "Of course, now we'll have to cuddle."
"Well played!" she retorted, her eyes smiling at him. She snuggled up to him, but he remained reserved, only gentle grazing his hand close to her shoulder.
They talked for awhile after the credits rolled, about his experiment finally going well this week and how her week was finally about to be settling down. She expressed how much she disliked customer service, but loved her job.
He finally, after 3 hours, bent down and kissed her. After a few he broke it off and said "You are just so far down there. You are so short!"
"I am, I am SO short" she laughed, straightened up, and kissed him again. They kissed for a long time, stopping to just snuggle into one another.
"I wish we could stay just like this, and I could sleep and kiss you whenever I wake up. But I guess I should be getting home." She said. "I mean, if you insist." Came his light hearted but sarcastic response.
She raised her head and looked into his eyes. "Is that an invite? I'll stay if you remember--"
"To be a gentleman? I remember. I've been good, haven't I?"
"You have. A little too good. You could be slightly less of a gentleman."
He stood up and took her by the hand into the bedroom. She quickly realized that it was never the passion, nor the kissing, that really stood up to a good hand hold. He was so tall, it felt nice to be taken care of in some way, even if it felt just a little like she was a girl being lead to bed by a parent. She was just so tired, it was around three in the morning.
His blackout curtains caused her to wrap her arm around him suddenly. Her flimsy curtains in her apartment had afforded her little darkness in the last year, and she exclaimed to him that it was the most dark she'd experienced in a long time. He ducked down and kissed her forehead.
He climbed on top of her and they made out for awhile before falling asleep. His hair smelled amazing, and every beautiful thing almost made up for the fact that his couch and his bed were so poorly constructed that her body was so very sore.
In the morning he convinced her to hit the snooze a few times, and she climbed back into bed, away from the frigid temperatures he kept his bedroom. "If we are snoozing again I need under the covers, I'm already in the second stage of hypothermia." He laughed lightly and let her snuggle up to his back.
"I'm glad you stayed. It was nice." He said, still with sleep in his voice.
He wasn't a morning person. He popped up when the alarm went off once again and said they'd slept too long and he needed to get ready. She got her stuff and he walked her to the door with a groggy disposition, but still kissed her on the cheek.
She grabbed his hand by the door and looked into his sleepy eyes. He understood and kissed her softly on the mouth before leaving.
"Maybe see you next week."
She was talking to Mo on the phone, filling him in on her dating life.
"I don't know if it's an insult or a compliment when he says he was licking his lips for 20 minutes trying to figure out the flavor of my lip balm."
Mo retorted, "He was licking his lips for 20 minutes thinking of you Penny! Take the compliment!"
She pushed the envelope anyway and texted Nameless back "I'm not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an insult. I'd like to think it's an awesome olfactory siren call that reminds you of me...but the way you say it makes me think that you are kinda grossed out."
His response came 30 minutes later. "I was actually hoping I could make time soon just so I could do it again."
So, for the first time ever, they saw each other within 48 hours of the last date.
She went over to his house in comfy work out clothes to watch the movie late that night. She brought some rum and some coke, and because his directions to the house were confusing he said to text when she got there. He walked out to meet her and waiting until they were inside to give her a little side hug. She sort of expected a kiss but guessed he was "starting over" again. She realized it was the first hug they had ever had also.
He turned off his air conditioner and they settled in on the laptop to watch the movie, him not making a move to cuddle at all. Finally she told him he needed to turn the air back on, as she was so hot she was starting to sweat. He concurred, and also brought out a pair of in-ear headphones back, because now the air would be too loud and they wouldn't be able to hear the movie. "Of course, now we'll have to cuddle."
"Well played!" she retorted, her eyes smiling at him. She snuggled up to him, but he remained reserved, only gentle grazing his hand close to her shoulder.
They talked for awhile after the credits rolled, about his experiment finally going well this week and how her week was finally about to be settling down. She expressed how much she disliked customer service, but loved her job.
He finally, after 3 hours, bent down and kissed her. After a few he broke it off and said "You are just so far down there. You are so short!"
"I am, I am SO short" she laughed, straightened up, and kissed him again. They kissed for a long time, stopping to just snuggle into one another.
"I wish we could stay just like this, and I could sleep and kiss you whenever I wake up. But I guess I should be getting home." She said. "I mean, if you insist." Came his light hearted but sarcastic response.
She raised her head and looked into his eyes. "Is that an invite? I'll stay if you remember--"
"To be a gentleman? I remember. I've been good, haven't I?"
"You have. A little too good. You could be slightly less of a gentleman."
He stood up and took her by the hand into the bedroom. She quickly realized that it was never the passion, nor the kissing, that really stood up to a good hand hold. He was so tall, it felt nice to be taken care of in some way, even if it felt just a little like she was a girl being lead to bed by a parent. She was just so tired, it was around three in the morning.
His blackout curtains caused her to wrap her arm around him suddenly. Her flimsy curtains in her apartment had afforded her little darkness in the last year, and she exclaimed to him that it was the most dark she'd experienced in a long time. He ducked down and kissed her forehead.
He climbed on top of her and they made out for awhile before falling asleep. His hair smelled amazing, and every beautiful thing almost made up for the fact that his couch and his bed were so poorly constructed that her body was so very sore.
In the morning he convinced her to hit the snooze a few times, and she climbed back into bed, away from the frigid temperatures he kept his bedroom. "If we are snoozing again I need under the covers, I'm already in the second stage of hypothermia." He laughed lightly and let her snuggle up to his back.
"I'm glad you stayed. It was nice." He said, still with sleep in his voice.
He wasn't a morning person. He popped up when the alarm went off once again and said they'd slept too long and he needed to get ready. She got her stuff and he walked her to the door with a groggy disposition, but still kissed her on the cheek.
She grabbed his hand by the door and looked into his sleepy eyes. He understood and kissed her softly on the mouth before leaving.
"Maybe see you next week."
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
Sick Day
She was beginning to wonder if doing anything physical with KSL brought down her immune system so drastically that she became sick.
She had some sort of sickness again. Strep it wasn't, but her body aches and sore throat were getting out of hand. Her doctor wasn't available so she again went to Urgent Care.
She got the same doctor as last time, and the doctor was very concerned about her. "Your uvula is like, touching your right tonsil. It's that swollen. It's insane."
"I'm a medical marvel for sure."
The doctor actually did a test this time, for strep, the flu (even though she'd had the shot, it takes 2 weeks to work through the body), and some other illnesses. The test for strep A and the flu came back negative, the rest would need to be sent out. In the meantime she set her up with another round of antibiotics, and instructions to skip work the next day.
She got her medication and went home, skipping rehearsal that night and the next. They advanced her a sick day for work. She slept in the next morning and awoke to stomach troubles associated with getting her period the day before. Her stomach sounded like a thunderstorm. Or a volcano about to erupt.
She was in her bathroom for what felt like the whole morning. She even took a long call from Mo while in the bathroom. Once the grumbles and the cramps had subsided, she finally stood up and went to flush. Nothing happened.
She walked out to the hall to look on the door, and there it was; water was to be shut off for the next two hours. How kind of them to give her advanced notice.
Her stomach started up again, and she went to the main floor to go to the gym bathroom. She just sat down when there was a knock at the door. "Maintenance!"
Of course now is when they would clean the bathrooms. Couldn't think of a better time.
She went back up to her studio and moaned her way through the next two hours, watching tons of movies on HBO. She really wished she felt better on a sick day so she could get more done.
She had some sort of sickness again. Strep it wasn't, but her body aches and sore throat were getting out of hand. Her doctor wasn't available so she again went to Urgent Care.
She got the same doctor as last time, and the doctor was very concerned about her. "Your uvula is like, touching your right tonsil. It's that swollen. It's insane."
"I'm a medical marvel for sure."
The doctor actually did a test this time, for strep, the flu (even though she'd had the shot, it takes 2 weeks to work through the body), and some other illnesses. The test for strep A and the flu came back negative, the rest would need to be sent out. In the meantime she set her up with another round of antibiotics, and instructions to skip work the next day.
She got her medication and went home, skipping rehearsal that night and the next. They advanced her a sick day for work. She slept in the next morning and awoke to stomach troubles associated with getting her period the day before. Her stomach sounded like a thunderstorm. Or a volcano about to erupt.
She was in her bathroom for what felt like the whole morning. She even took a long call from Mo while in the bathroom. Once the grumbles and the cramps had subsided, she finally stood up and went to flush. Nothing happened.
She walked out to the hall to look on the door, and there it was; water was to be shut off for the next two hours. How kind of them to give her advanced notice.
Her stomach started up again, and she went to the main floor to go to the gym bathroom. She just sat down when there was a knock at the door. "Maintenance!"
Of course now is when they would clean the bathrooms. Couldn't think of a better time.
She went back up to her studio and moaned her way through the next two hours, watching tons of movies on HBO. She really wished she felt better on a sick day so she could get more done.
Monday, December 5, 2016
Driven by Selfish Guilt
"What are you doing this weekend? Tomorrow?" her ex asked her. A feeling of dread overcame her. Why would he want to keep hanging with her?
"Umm, tomorrow I have yoga and then I'm hanging with Dawn. Sunday I have something I think, I'll have to look." She made her escape as KSL was waiting in the car.
Later, when she had time to think about it, she panicked. She had to fill her weekend so that she didn't have to spend time with him.
"Having a crisis of conscience. I just talked to my friend Mo and he said I'm being stupid about trying to get out of time with the ex, that I don't owe him anything and I've spent enough time with him. I can't bring myself to tell the ex that. I don't know what to do. Advise? Opinion?" She texted KSL later that night.
"I mean, he's not wrong." He responded.
"I know, that's why it's hard." She texted.
"Wah wah" He snarked back.
"That's not helping."
"Sorry. But seriously though, you don't owe him anything."
"I know, I just don't want to hurt him. It's breaking my heart seeing him hurt by me, that's why I don't want to see him. The guilt. Which is selfish of me."
"Welcome to my life. Driven by selfish guilt."
"I do NOT want your life."
She posed the same question to Dawn. Her response was "You definitely don't owe him time. You just saw him yesterday and went in a disastrous road trip last weekend. Having forced time time apart will help him detach from you."
That was an angle she could get behind.
"Umm, tomorrow I have yoga and then I'm hanging with Dawn. Sunday I have something I think, I'll have to look." She made her escape as KSL was waiting in the car.
Later, when she had time to think about it, she panicked. She had to fill her weekend so that she didn't have to spend time with him.
"Having a crisis of conscience. I just talked to my friend Mo and he said I'm being stupid about trying to get out of time with the ex, that I don't owe him anything and I've spent enough time with him. I can't bring myself to tell the ex that. I don't know what to do. Advise? Opinion?" She texted KSL later that night.
"I mean, he's not wrong." He responded.
"I know, that's why it's hard." She texted.
"Wah wah" He snarked back.
"That's not helping."
"Sorry. But seriously though, you don't owe him anything."
"I know, I just don't want to hurt him. It's breaking my heart seeing him hurt by me, that's why I don't want to see him. The guilt. Which is selfish of me."
"Welcome to my life. Driven by selfish guilt."
"I do NOT want your life."
She posed the same question to Dawn. Her response was "You definitely don't owe him time. You just saw him yesterday and went in a disastrous road trip last weekend. Having forced time time apart will help him detach from you."
That was an angle she could get behind.
Wednesday, September 7, 2016
Girls Weekend
The girl's weekend started out strong with them getting upgraded to a penthouse suite with an amazing view. Until the suite was ready, they went down to hang at the hotel pool. SD kept mostly to laying out and napping, and Goldie decided to go all in as she sat by the pool talking to her.
They caught up on Goldie's life, and she told her about Piz. She gushed about how he was the opposite of the ex and KSL, and complimented her, and how he just ended his marriage so they had something in common. "Well, I like him" Goldie said, and she felt better. She was making good choices. It was also nice to be able to freely talk about a guy she met. She could get excited without feeling like she was being kept a secret.
"But no sexy-time yet?" Goldie asked.
"No, just a short make out session in his car at 3AM as he dropped me off. I'm in that bubble of perfect happiness right now."
They had a full pool day the next day, and in the evening Mo came by to take her on an adventure for sushi burritos, drinks, and her favorite dessert. They laughed and joked and everything was just like old times.
When they were having drinks, he stopped what he was saying and said to her "You seem great, you seem so happy. You certainly aren't the same Penny who left here."
It struck her that he was totally right. She was a completely different person, had lived a million different lives in the last year and a half. She had gotten worse since leaving, but was on a hell of an upswing. She felt she still had a ways to go, but it was so nice to see a light at the end of her long, dark tunnel.
"I am different." She confirmed, almost proudly.
They caught up on Goldie's life, and she told her about Piz. She gushed about how he was the opposite of the ex and KSL, and complimented her, and how he just ended his marriage so they had something in common. "Well, I like him" Goldie said, and she felt better. She was making good choices. It was also nice to be able to freely talk about a guy she met. She could get excited without feeling like she was being kept a secret.
"But no sexy-time yet?" Goldie asked.
"No, just a short make out session in his car at 3AM as he dropped me off. I'm in that bubble of perfect happiness right now."
They had a full pool day the next day, and in the evening Mo came by to take her on an adventure for sushi burritos, drinks, and her favorite dessert. They laughed and joked and everything was just like old times.
When they were having drinks, he stopped what he was saying and said to her "You seem great, you seem so happy. You certainly aren't the same Penny who left here."
It struck her that he was totally right. She was a completely different person, had lived a million different lives in the last year and a half. She had gotten worse since leaving, but was on a hell of an upswing. She felt she still had a ways to go, but it was so nice to see a light at the end of her long, dark tunnel.
"I am different." She confirmed, almost proudly.
Wednesday, July 27, 2016
Helplessness
Dusky sent her a text. "Ni**as is tryin' to talk shit about you. Nothing nasty but passive-aggressively saying backstage needs to be a little tighter." She was obviously upset, and he texted back "They're actors! I'm telling you, actors are garbage."
She thought about the scuffle she had with the directors, and now this. She was busting her ass with a 103 temp and still struggling with strep. They weren't even making their call times. She was going through a divorce, they were lucky she wasn't in one long crying jag from the get go.
A crying jag was indeed, impending. She started to do a slow leak...it went through the rest of the show, their "talkback" for an hour after the show, and up until 7:00 AM the next morning. She couldn't stop crying, and she couldn't figure out why 3 actors talking trash about her was upsetting her so much. She was all emotion and zero understanding, which just made her cry more.
Mid morning she finally got her clarity. It was the parallels that were getting her. She wasn't being appreciated. Not by the directors, not by the actors...and especially not by her ex for the past 15 years. It was a feeling that she had been running from, but she accidentally turned a corner and slammed right into them. The realization hit hard and fast: The more she tried to be good and help, the more of a determent it was. She was never going to be "good enough" for anyone.
"I give and give and everyone puts me on this high pedestal, but only so they can knock me off of it. Or once I climb up they just build it higher so I can't reach it. I don't know, my metaphor is weak." She told Dusky.
Once she realized this, another crying jag erupted from within her. This one only lasted a few hours.
A few days later she was explaining her feelings to Mo over the phone.
"No," he said. "No, who you are describing isn't my friend. That's not Penny. The Penny I know causes amazing differences in people's lives. She is the one who tells me to go for jobs I would be afraid to go for, and now I'm starting with the airline at the beginning of next month. That's only because you told me to go for it, and now I have a better job and am going to be making more money for my family, for my wife and our unborn child. You made a video application for our co-worker who knew nothing about video editing, you directed it, and she got that job. You might not have gotten the praise you deserved for that, but you changed her life for the better. You are making a difference, those same people complaining about you, your ex...you made a positive impact in their lives. The person you are talking about isn't you. If those people can't see how much you have enriched their lives just by being there, fuck them. You did it, they just don't see it. That's on them, not you."
Her tears slowly stopped. He was right. She just needed to hear it.
She thought about the scuffle she had with the directors, and now this. She was busting her ass with a 103 temp and still struggling with strep. They weren't even making their call times. She was going through a divorce, they were lucky she wasn't in one long crying jag from the get go.
A crying jag was indeed, impending. She started to do a slow leak...it went through the rest of the show, their "talkback" for an hour after the show, and up until 7:00 AM the next morning. She couldn't stop crying, and she couldn't figure out why 3 actors talking trash about her was upsetting her so much. She was all emotion and zero understanding, which just made her cry more.
Mid morning she finally got her clarity. It was the parallels that were getting her. She wasn't being appreciated. Not by the directors, not by the actors...and especially not by her ex for the past 15 years. It was a feeling that she had been running from, but she accidentally turned a corner and slammed right into them. The realization hit hard and fast: The more she tried to be good and help, the more of a determent it was. She was never going to be "good enough" for anyone.
"I give and give and everyone puts me on this high pedestal, but only so they can knock me off of it. Or once I climb up they just build it higher so I can't reach it. I don't know, my metaphor is weak." She told Dusky.
Once she realized this, another crying jag erupted from within her. This one only lasted a few hours.
A few days later she was explaining her feelings to Mo over the phone.
"No," he said. "No, who you are describing isn't my friend. That's not Penny. The Penny I know causes amazing differences in people's lives. She is the one who tells me to go for jobs I would be afraid to go for, and now I'm starting with the airline at the beginning of next month. That's only because you told me to go for it, and now I have a better job and am going to be making more money for my family, for my wife and our unborn child. You made a video application for our co-worker who knew nothing about video editing, you directed it, and she got that job. You might not have gotten the praise you deserved for that, but you changed her life for the better. You are making a difference, those same people complaining about you, your ex...you made a positive impact in their lives. The person you are talking about isn't you. If those people can't see how much you have enriched their lives just by being there, fuck them. You did it, they just don't see it. That's on them, not you."
Her tears slowly stopped. He was right. She just needed to hear it.
Tuesday, July 19, 2016
Imodium AD with an Advil Chaser; for Life
Tech week had arrived for her new play, and it was sure to be a stressful one. Two different thinking directors made for a huge difference in style and how she should be doing everything.
Then her period decided that three days early would be the perfect time for a visit, ensuring that the entire tech run she would be trying to make things work from a hunched over position. This period had also seen fit to make itself a weepy one, and she found herself crying over the smallest things.
The middle of tech, life came crashing down around her. Goldie had a personal tragedy that made life seem so remarkably unfair that she didn't even want to go on with the show. Then, minutes later, she got a text from her other friend who had broken up with her boyfriend. She was heartbroken, even though she had sort of seen it coming. The situation had been remarkably close to her and KSL, so her heart then also went out to her.
She had ignored a call from Mo earlier, and he texted to see if she was awake just after her show was getting out. She said she was finishing up at the theatre. He sent her a video she couldn't hear, but he was opening a present of baby clothes.
"You're going to be an Auntie!" He confirmed. She was happy for him, sad for her friends, but mostly her uterus was just trying to eat itself inside her, and she was trying to keep it together.
If this had all just waited until after tech, she might have been able to handle it.
Then her ex insisted on Sunday breakfast with an old professor of theirs who was only in town for a short while.
She got queasy.
Then her period decided that three days early would be the perfect time for a visit, ensuring that the entire tech run she would be trying to make things work from a hunched over position. This period had also seen fit to make itself a weepy one, and she found herself crying over the smallest things.
The middle of tech, life came crashing down around her. Goldie had a personal tragedy that made life seem so remarkably unfair that she didn't even want to go on with the show. Then, minutes later, she got a text from her other friend who had broken up with her boyfriend. She was heartbroken, even though she had sort of seen it coming. The situation had been remarkably close to her and KSL, so her heart then also went out to her.
She had ignored a call from Mo earlier, and he texted to see if she was awake just after her show was getting out. She said she was finishing up at the theatre. He sent her a video she couldn't hear, but he was opening a present of baby clothes.
"You're going to be an Auntie!" He confirmed. She was happy for him, sad for her friends, but mostly her uterus was just trying to eat itself inside her, and she was trying to keep it together.
If this had all just waited until after tech, she might have been able to handle it.
Then her ex insisted on Sunday breakfast with an old professor of theirs who was only in town for a short while.
She got queasy.
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Other People's Opinions
"He's not ready to deal with the feelings he has for you. He might never be." Goldie told her.
"He will always have a bit of that wall up, but you've broken down a lot of it. I've never seen him be that open with anyone else, ever. And I've known him 10 years!" SD said.
"He's never going to stop until he has sex with you." MG stated bluntly.
"I care about you! And I don't want to see you hurt emotionally or physically. And to me this dude needs that emotional support. So keep your guard up." Mo warned her.
"But if you two like each other, why don't you just date each other?" Sleuthy asked.
For their flirtationship being a secret, everyone certainly had an opinion about it, even if they didn't know everything. Even a caustic ex-blogger had snarked about it on twitter. No matter what form her writing had taken, that lady had always been there with her bitchy attitude adding her opinion.
If it felt good, she was going to do it. If she got her heart broken, then so be it. It was her heart. If it got broken she would mend it and move on with her life.
***
"So apparently in the midst of everything else, the roommate gave me a Percocet on top of the Vicodin and booze I'd already had." She decided to not tell him that they were the same thing and just said "uh-huh. So you were pretty screwed up that night huh? Do you remember any our conversation?"
"No. Sorry."
"Convenient."
Playing hard to get (had maybe) resulted in him near-overdosing, and being an attention whore. She was done with it. She was ready to write it off, but keep an eye out for anything else. Keep her guard up, as Mo suggested. KSL was saying he felt weird about not having "goodbye sex" with his ex-girlfriend. She said "Maybe you are growing. Breaking free of your bad habits."
He mentioned how he didn't have any condoms one night, but she still snuggled up on him on the couch and watched silly YouTube videos on his phone. They made plans to take a day trip to Ikea that weekend, because he'd never been.
Because Facebook makes everyone into an unintentional stalker, she knew that he was posting things to his ex-girlfriend's wall, once every few days. It was really bringing down his fuckability quotient.
"How goes?" He texted the next day. "Meh. Malaise. You?" She replied.
"Samezies. Whats the cause of yours?
Me?"
"Only like 20% you. I was just thinking this morning, wondering if it would ever go back to us being comfortable and happy again...then I realized it's never really been like that. I made myself sad."
She waited a minute, then decided to mow over her last statement with distraction. "What's the cause of yours? Tell me the truth...it's Captain America isn't it?"
"I'm just stressing about life and the show and such. And I loved Cap."
She guessed she didn't even merit 20% of his "life"
"He will always have a bit of that wall up, but you've broken down a lot of it. I've never seen him be that open with anyone else, ever. And I've known him 10 years!" SD said.
"He's never going to stop until he has sex with you." MG stated bluntly.
"I care about you! And I don't want to see you hurt emotionally or physically. And to me this dude needs that emotional support. So keep your guard up." Mo warned her.
"But if you two like each other, why don't you just date each other?" Sleuthy asked.
For their flirtationship being a secret, everyone certainly had an opinion about it, even if they didn't know everything. Even a caustic ex-blogger had snarked about it on twitter. No matter what form her writing had taken, that lady had always been there with her bitchy attitude adding her opinion.
If it felt good, she was going to do it. If she got her heart broken, then so be it. It was her heart. If it got broken she would mend it and move on with her life.
***
"So apparently in the midst of everything else, the roommate gave me a Percocet on top of the Vicodin and booze I'd already had." She decided to not tell him that they were the same thing and just said "uh-huh. So you were pretty screwed up that night huh? Do you remember any our conversation?"
"No. Sorry."
"Convenient."
Playing hard to get (had maybe) resulted in him near-overdosing, and being an attention whore. She was done with it. She was ready to write it off, but keep an eye out for anything else. Keep her guard up, as Mo suggested. KSL was saying he felt weird about not having "goodbye sex" with his ex-girlfriend. She said "Maybe you are growing. Breaking free of your bad habits."
He mentioned how he didn't have any condoms one night, but she still snuggled up on him on the couch and watched silly YouTube videos on his phone. They made plans to take a day trip to Ikea that weekend, because he'd never been.
Because Facebook makes everyone into an unintentional stalker, she knew that he was posting things to his ex-girlfriend's wall, once every few days. It was really bringing down his fuckability quotient.
"How goes?" He texted the next day. "Meh. Malaise. You?" She replied.
"Samezies. Whats the cause of yours?
Me?"
"Only like 20% you. I was just thinking this morning, wondering if it would ever go back to us being comfortable and happy again...then I realized it's never really been like that. I made myself sad."
She waited a minute, then decided to mow over her last statement with distraction. "What's the cause of yours? Tell me the truth...it's Captain America isn't it?"
"I'm just stressing about life and the show and such. And I loved Cap."
She guessed she didn't even merit 20% of his "life"
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Playing Hard to Get
She needed a male perspective, and Mo was the only one that was removed from her group of friends, so there was no harm in talking to him. She asked him about KSL freaking out after sex and if that was a normal/weird thing. She couldn't wrap her head around how they had gone through the whole act without him realizing he still wasn't over her.
"Well, what he's feeling is a small form of withdrawal I guess or it finally hit him that he "Broke Up" I think it's a person thing. He was fixated on just doing something at the moment to recover that he didn't process the actions or feelings. Unfortunately, you were the rebound sex."
"You SHOULD give a fuck."
"To be honest you shouldn't- kick him to the curb and move on yo-"
"He's processing everything. Give him a week and don't call or text him. Let him have his own tail and it will lead back to you."
"Deep sigh."
***
Running lines was friendly, he asked her how she was doing and she asked him how he was. She suggested running lines and they got through his play twice. He really improved throughout the run through, as they both sipped on iced coffee. She told him she forgot how caffeinated she needed to be to do lines with him.
He hugged her goodbye and she leaned into it, saying "Mmmmm, this is what I needed last night. Just a good, loving hug."
He swung his arms under her and picked her up for a giant bear hug, she squealed as he lifted her.
"See," he said as he set her down on the ground. "I'm a good friend."
He was. Maybe that was all he needed to be. Mo was right, maybe it was time to play hard to get. Not just with KSL, but with everyone. She needed a people break.
Later she reached into the fridge for some vodka, and saw that KSL had filled up both her ice cube trays, in his "special" way so that the ice was beautifully clear. KSL knew she loved that trick. Her husband would never think to do that. KSL was a nice guy.
No. Stay strong Penny. Hard to get. You can do this.
...Right?
"Well, what he's feeling is a small form of withdrawal I guess or it finally hit him that he "Broke Up" I think it's a person thing. He was fixated on just doing something at the moment to recover that he didn't process the actions or feelings. Unfortunately, you were the rebound sex."
"IDGAF it was fun."
"You SHOULD give a fuck."
"Ugh. He still wants to do this whole lovers/fwb thing."
"To be honest you shouldn't- kick him to the curb and move on yo-"
"I don't think I can, I'm too deep in this."
"He's processing everything. Give him a week and don't call or text him. Let him have his own tail and it will lead back to you."
"So, seeing him this afternoon to run lines with him for his play would be...wrong?"
"Deep sigh."
***
Running lines was friendly, he asked her how she was doing and she asked him how he was. She suggested running lines and they got through his play twice. He really improved throughout the run through, as they both sipped on iced coffee. She told him she forgot how caffeinated she needed to be to do lines with him.
He hugged her goodbye and she leaned into it, saying "Mmmmm, this is what I needed last night. Just a good, loving hug."
He swung his arms under her and picked her up for a giant bear hug, she squealed as he lifted her.
"See," he said as he set her down on the ground. "I'm a good friend."
He was. Maybe that was all he needed to be. Mo was right, maybe it was time to play hard to get. Not just with KSL, but with everyone. She needed a people break.
Later she reached into the fridge for some vodka, and saw that KSL had filled up both her ice cube trays, in his "special" way so that the ice was beautifully clear. KSL knew she loved that trick. Her husband would never think to do that. KSL was a nice guy.
No. Stay strong Penny. Hard to get. You can do this.
...Right?
Tuesday, April 5, 2016
Vehicular Manslaughtering
She got out of work and booked it to their car insurance appointment. They both currently had full coverage, and the funds were just not there for that any longer. He texted her several times before she got there, telling her to meet him inside and then in the office. It was an understatement to say she was stressed out and just wanted to get this over with.
It turned out they could cut costs by a lot, but it was still more money apart than together. She went against her better judgement and decided to remain together on the policy for now. During the end of the meeting BFF called her, and she sent her to voicemail.
When they finished up their meeting she checked the voicemail, but her husband started talking to her at the same time. She was pulled in different directions, half listening to the message and half listening to her husband, in the end not really listening to anyone. She just gathered that the voicemail was wanting to see if she wanted to hang out, and her husband was saying the free preview of his play was tonight, and did she want to go. He said he was talking to PJ and HE said he was going with AB, as if that would change her mind one way or another. He gave her back her tire pump. He was still driving around on a spare from a couple of days ago when he ran over a nail. They weren't getting his replacement tire in until the next day.
"BFF just left me a voicemail, I need to call her back. We'll try to make it." She said. "I have to go return these props from Goldie's movie before I do anything else, I need that money back on my card for the move." She could tell he felt hurt, but she had things to do and couldn't placate him any more.
She returned the props, called BFF and met up with her at her house. On the way she called Mo who was also having trouble in his marriage. His wife was checking his bank account and questioning every charge, completely unhealthy for the marriage. Mo was very stubborn, and not willing to listen to her advice. She could do nothing but tell him to hang in there, and feel what he needed to feel.
The play was amusing, and it was nice to see everyone. Because it was preview night, the cast was still getting notes, so they headed out right afterwards to go home.
She was getting her things ready for the next work day when she got a text from her husband.
"And I just got in a car wreck."
Her heart plummeted. She called him, he said that everyone was pretty much fine, but he had run a red light, making it his fault. Not a scratch on his car, but he took the front bumper off the other car. She said to call when he was headed home and they hung up."
Tears already forming, she called BFF who answered right away. "He got in a car accident, HOURS after we took down our car insurance. I felt bad for him paying more money and so we stayed together on the policy and now MY insurance is going to go up. I can't do this anymore, I can't..."
"There is nothing you can do right now. Take a deep breath." BFF said to her calmly. "You can't change what has already happened, and you are going to end up in the hospital if you don't let it go. This is on him and he will have to take care of it, it's not your problem anymore."
She was right. She thanked her, and went to lay down. She got another call from her husband. "The cops were nice, everyone was okay but the other guy went to the hospital since it was right across the street to get checked out."
"Was he driving an expensive car?" She asked with a hollow voice.
"No," he replied "Just an old Ford Taurus."
"Good. I'm glad everyone is okay. I have to get up in the morning for work so I'm going to bed now."
"I'll be home in 10 minutes."
"I might be asleep. If I am I'll see you tomorrow."
She was almost asleep by the time he got home, and he made plenty of noise to try and wake her. She pretended to be asleep, and he left the room to go downstairs on his computer.
Out of sheer exhaustion she fell into a deep sleep. She awoke more angry than upset.
It turned out they could cut costs by a lot, but it was still more money apart than together. She went against her better judgement and decided to remain together on the policy for now. During the end of the meeting BFF called her, and she sent her to voicemail.
When they finished up their meeting she checked the voicemail, but her husband started talking to her at the same time. She was pulled in different directions, half listening to the message and half listening to her husband, in the end not really listening to anyone. She just gathered that the voicemail was wanting to see if she wanted to hang out, and her husband was saying the free preview of his play was tonight, and did she want to go. He said he was talking to PJ and HE said he was going with AB, as if that would change her mind one way or another. He gave her back her tire pump. He was still driving around on a spare from a couple of days ago when he ran over a nail. They weren't getting his replacement tire in until the next day.
"BFF just left me a voicemail, I need to call her back. We'll try to make it." She said. "I have to go return these props from Goldie's movie before I do anything else, I need that money back on my card for the move." She could tell he felt hurt, but she had things to do and couldn't placate him any more.
She returned the props, called BFF and met up with her at her house. On the way she called Mo who was also having trouble in his marriage. His wife was checking his bank account and questioning every charge, completely unhealthy for the marriage. Mo was very stubborn, and not willing to listen to her advice. She could do nothing but tell him to hang in there, and feel what he needed to feel.
The play was amusing, and it was nice to see everyone. Because it was preview night, the cast was still getting notes, so they headed out right afterwards to go home.
She was getting her things ready for the next work day when she got a text from her husband.
"And I just got in a car wreck."
Her heart plummeted. She called him, he said that everyone was pretty much fine, but he had run a red light, making it his fault. Not a scratch on his car, but he took the front bumper off the other car. She said to call when he was headed home and they hung up."
Tears already forming, she called BFF who answered right away. "He got in a car accident, HOURS after we took down our car insurance. I felt bad for him paying more money and so we stayed together on the policy and now MY insurance is going to go up. I can't do this anymore, I can't..."
"There is nothing you can do right now. Take a deep breath." BFF said to her calmly. "You can't change what has already happened, and you are going to end up in the hospital if you don't let it go. This is on him and he will have to take care of it, it's not your problem anymore."
She was right. She thanked her, and went to lay down. She got another call from her husband. "The cops were nice, everyone was okay but the other guy went to the hospital since it was right across the street to get checked out."
"Was he driving an expensive car?" She asked with a hollow voice.
"No," he replied "Just an old Ford Taurus."
"Good. I'm glad everyone is okay. I have to get up in the morning for work so I'm going to bed now."
"I'll be home in 10 minutes."
"I might be asleep. If I am I'll see you tomorrow."
She was almost asleep by the time he got home, and he made plenty of noise to try and wake her. She pretended to be asleep, and he left the room to go downstairs on his computer.
Out of sheer exhaustion she fell into a deep sleep. She awoke more angry than upset.
Friday, February 19, 2016
A Man For All Seasons
"Is this the guy you wrote about?"
"Which one? Not to be a whore but I write about a lot of guys."
She'd been thinking about this short interlude with her sleuthy friend lately. Was she a whore for having mostly guy friends? After her Favorite Mistake revelation, where she sought out comfort, she went to many people, few of them women.
She did tell the BFF about it, but didn't seek solace from her. As expected BFF turned it around to be about her and all the great romances she'd had, and not so great romances. When they saw each other again, the BFF never brought it up or asked if she was doing okay. She knew that it wouldn't be spoken of again.
PJ had come through big time, the only one to calm her down and bring up solid points that calmed her anxiety. They even went deeper into the human condition and solved problems that she didn't realize that she was having. She finally realized what she needed to take away from all this was that she needed to become someone in-between her 17 year old self and who she was right now.
KSL had listened, been attentive, and shared insightful things he had learned from his therapist that shown a light on her current situation. Maybe she also needed to set a deadline. A fleeting thought of her sharing an apartment with KSL "Odd Couple" style made her smile.
Mo she had not told the whole story to, but she knew she could come to him for advice on what Favorite Mistake could be thinking when he got her email. He said to her that if it was him, even though he was married, he would reach out. Everyone has one that got away, and he would rather be friends with her then have her out of his life again. A few days later, his favorite mistake called him. She was in town with her new husband and wanted to meet to catch up.
BW had gotten a cursory overview, but she knew he wouldn't have had much insight. He was very against all relationships, and their friendship was mostly just bitching about people they knew.
All these men in her life are there for her, so many. She needed to stop being greedy and let Favorite Mistake go. Create her own closure.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Irritation Squared
She felt like she was outside during a hurricane, able to see the eye of the storm on the horizon. Dirt stung her eyes, yet there was no shelter to seek.
She realized she was trying too hard to be happy. She flipped the radio to 90's alternative and embraced the emotion.
She was getting a bad attitude about everything. It really all boiled down to no one listening or caring about her feelings or needs. A meeting scheduled when she said she couldn't make it, putting her in a bad position at work. When she got to the meeting, it was canceled because they hadn't thought about something else being in that space already.
All the while she is stressed out and texting people she already had plans with, going back and forth with when she would be there. He texted "I don't know what I'll be doing by 7. You're welcome to drop it off here when you are done with work, if you like. I'll be here cleaning."
Which sounded dismissive, and not at all helpful. Her heart sank. As if he heard it, a follow up text appeared. "And, then let me know when you are done with your meeting please. I hope you are staying cool today :) :) :)"
Her heart still stayed pretty sunk despite his kind words. Later that night her BFF played devil's advocate to something that was really bothering her in her marriage, adding to her isolated feeling. She felt so utterly alone. She had finally found someone that she could be 100% herself with...but she was now having to hide, again, who she truly was.
She texted her friend Mo. "I'm just getting sick of being held to a higher standard than everyone else, without any of the benefits. I complained to the BFF later and she basically said I was wrong with the situation with the husband, when he was the one who just spent the last 7 months blowing through all of my savings. Why do I always have to be the better person? And if we end up getting a divorce, I'll be the one everyone hates. I'll never even come close to winning."
If it wasn't for PJ's birthday that day, she would just get in her car and keep driving. In this "death spiral" it was really difficult for her to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. She just wanted to turn away from it all forever.
She realized she was trying too hard to be happy. She flipped the radio to 90's alternative and embraced the emotion.
She was getting a bad attitude about everything. It really all boiled down to no one listening or caring about her feelings or needs. A meeting scheduled when she said she couldn't make it, putting her in a bad position at work. When she got to the meeting, it was canceled because they hadn't thought about something else being in that space already.
All the while she is stressed out and texting people she already had plans with, going back and forth with when she would be there. He texted "I don't know what I'll be doing by 7. You're welcome to drop it off here when you are done with work, if you like. I'll be here cleaning."
Which sounded dismissive, and not at all helpful. Her heart sank. As if he heard it, a follow up text appeared. "And, then let me know when you are done with your meeting please. I hope you are staying cool today :) :) :)"
Her heart still stayed pretty sunk despite his kind words. Later that night her BFF played devil's advocate to something that was really bothering her in her marriage, adding to her isolated feeling. She felt so utterly alone. She had finally found someone that she could be 100% herself with...but she was now having to hide, again, who she truly was.
She texted her friend Mo. "I'm just getting sick of being held to a higher standard than everyone else, without any of the benefits. I complained to the BFF later and she basically said I was wrong with the situation with the husband, when he was the one who just spent the last 7 months blowing through all of my savings. Why do I always have to be the better person? And if we end up getting a divorce, I'll be the one everyone hates. I'll never even come close to winning."
If it wasn't for PJ's birthday that day, she would just get in her car and keep driving. In this "death spiral" it was really difficult for her to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. She just wanted to turn away from it all forever.
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