BFF Wedding

The day of BFF's wedding had finally come.

She had been dreading it for weeks.  If this wedding had come even a year later, she most likely would not have been invited.  They were in a weird place where BFF most likely thought that she had to invite her, and she thought she had to come.  Neither of them were adult enough to just admit that and not make it awkward for everyone involved.

JJ was supposed to be her date, but he bailed at the last minute, much like he had with being a moving buddy.  KSL had turned his nose up at being a "plus one" and Mel had to work and would have only been able to duck in and out for the ceremony.

She decided to take her mother, which everyone else saw as sweet but she saw as pathetic.  Dealing with the bad driving all the way up the mountain to the wedding site was whiplash worthy, and she relinquished control only when realizing she was going to have to parallel park.

The ceremony was sweet, but she still had this weird feeling that she shouldn't have been there at all.  Just being a regular guest hurt her heart.  She hadn't been asked to help or contribute, but it seems that SD seemed to be running the whole wedding.  They had been friends for a long time, sure, but it started to really sink in as the night wore on that she'd lost her best friend and been invited to the wedding.

Not that BFF's groom was bad, in fact she had come to like him far more than BFF.  She really enjoyed that he was supportive of everyone around him, and had a dark snarky quality that they shared.

Everyone was taking the mic and doing toasts, and she suddenly had the urge to go up there.  She got emotional and knew there was no way she was going to be able to hold it together, so she held off.

Just before she left she approached them and told them she wasn't a people person, so she was going to toast them face to face now.

"When BFF and I first met, it was because she was a mutual friend of someone else's and I needed to check her out because I wanted to make sure she was good enough for him.  Then we met and I told her she wasn't good enough for him.  Then you came along, and I had to check to make sure you were good enough for her.  And you are."

She got choked up, hugged them both, and left without saying goodbye to anyone.

Questions? Comments? Concerns?

"Oh, you've got stuff written down, like on actual paper?  By all means, go ahead!"  KSL said jovially as he busied himself in the kitchen.

She pulled out her two pieces of paper, the third copy of each one.  She had thought of things, written and rewritten each one.  One was business, the other was emotional.  She hadn't realized she'd set it up that way until days afterward.

There were a few questions from both that made her nervous to ask, but she forged ahead anyway.  She guessed that it helped the conversation with her head in her notes and his in the cooking.

"I wanted to start with a warning.  I *will* be cranky about stupid every day things for a bit while I adjust back to real life.  I have literally been living in a tower where I can walk to my job that I love.  I haven't really had to worry about everyday things like traffic and parking in a long time.  You need to be patient with me."

"And because everyone has been telling me lately that I'm negative and only see the bad side, I'm going to start with the positives list I've made."  He seemed amused by the fact that most of her positives were the fact that she wasn't going to be his old roommate.  He laughed at her point that if he was ever feeling down she would put googly eyes on everything in the fridge.  His laugh made her stop on the rest of the list.  There were invisible lines she didn't want to cross.  If they were going to make this work she had to watch that any action she took wasn't taken as a relationship action.

As soon as the idea of living together came up, they had been apologetic to one another more than usual.  Supportive even.  It had also felt honest, and nice.

"I know you are stressed and this is a terrible situation...but living with KSL with boundries?!?!?  Oh man.  That would be a non-stop back and forth pseudo relationship don't you think?" Dawn had retorted to her over text one day.

She'd responded "I know it's silly, especially for a cynic like me, to think this will have a positive outcome.  But I'm trying to be outside of my comfort zone in order to find happiness.  I spent so much of my life closed off from every experience.  It might suck, but it will be a life experience that I'll grow from no matter how it plays out.  And I honestly do have a feeling it will be okay."

She went to the other list with KSL, asking about quirks of the current apartment, then got to another nerve-inducing question.

"Are you...well do you want to--"

"Use your words"

She scowled, hating when he said that.  She knew it was a joke, meant to be lighthearted...but it felt too much like the passive aggressive things that came out of her mother's mouth anytime she spoke.

"Do you want to stay here?  In this apartment?"

As it turned out, he wasn't quite married to the place after all.  Moving would be annoying for sure, but he wasn't completely opposed to the idea.  Emotionally, she felt like a fresh place would at least feel like both of theirs, instead of her moving onto his turf that he would already feel was his.  She'd always feel a bit like an outsider.  He had shown her his current roommates tiny room, and she suddenly remembered the claustrophobia she'd never had to feel 20 stories up in her high ceiling mirrored wall studio.

They talked about their space quirks.  He wanted to be free to host his movies nights, which of course she didn't have a problem with.  He also didn't have a problem with her project with Dusky.  He even joked about being a part of it.

"You know people are going to talk." KSL stated.

"You know that I don't care what people think.  But I think we also need to be careful.  We have lots of mutual friends.  I think that it's important that we don't bitch about each other in public.  I think we've reached a point where we can be honest with each other.  If we have a problem, we come to the other one first.  You know I'm more upset if you aren't just honest with me in the first place."

He agreed, and for the first time in the conversation she relaxed.  That had been her dealbreaker.  If he hadn't agreed, if he had hesitated just a moment...she would have found another overpriced one bedroom and not looked back.

She was glad to be a little more settled towards a future.  She was going to live with KSL for a year, save up as much money as possible, and then look for a house to buy.  She'd be ready to be alone by then...at least she thought.

A Blue Christmas

"What are you doing for Christmas?"  The Ex texted.

"Hopefully sleeping the whole day." She replied.  23 days of working in a row, and she was done with all people and things.

He wanted to hang, make empanadas and watch movies.

She'd gone too far, being in a show with him.  He'd gotten too close with her.  She'd given him hope instead of getting her best friend back.  Feeling more alone than before, she encouraged him to spend time with his ailing father instead.  They only had so many Christmases left together.

Christmas Eve she was getting all kinds of things done...balancing checkbooks, working on her and Dusky's project...and her phone let out the generic text tone.

It was Theo.  "Hope you are having a good holiday."

He was baiting her.  She should be strong and ignore it, the way that she ignored his Facebook message and his Instagram message.  She'd blocked him from seeing her FB feed, and un-followed him on both platforms.  Still, he persevered.

It was Christmas, she was really enjoying her alone time.  But he had gotten to her, made her annoyed.  "I'm still Jewish Theo."

"Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the holiday, lol"

He was so desperately ignorant.  She wanted to ask him how he enjoyed his Chinese New Year, because even though he didn't celebrate doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his Chinese New Year.  She knew it was time to stop responding.

"How's it going?" He texted 20 minutes later.  She continued to ignore him, and hoped he would release her in the new year.

End of an Era

She was more upset than she had any right to be about the last Improv show.  She had been with them for so long, and they were her first friends after moving back.  She didn't know where she would be without the constant steadfastness of SD, the yoga and inspiration of TM, the endless wisdom of Goldie, and of course the BFF who had introduced them all to her.  Even MG, although as of late they hadn't been getting along and things were becoming incredibly strained.

Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group.  They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed.  she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.

She'd cried at least three times that day.  She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end.  Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child.  She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.

With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.

Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night.  Banana, and even KSL were coming.  Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot.  BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched.  KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered.  She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.

She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show.  All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat.  She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half.  KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him.  Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.

She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end.  She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself. 

Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show.  A few minutes later she saw him walk out.  She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way.  Her heart sank a little.

"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.

"Sorry.  I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."

"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."

"Yeah.  It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."

"Since when?" She thought to herself.  In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."

He shot back with venom.  "What do you want me to say?  'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that.  What do you want?  An explanation?  An apology?"

Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant.  She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed.  "Nothing" she replied.

"Okay then.  Sorry if I upset you.  Sorry if you felt slighted."

"Sigh.  Just forget about it.  Conversation stricken."

The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling.  She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened.  She again texted KSL.

"I'm sorry.  I reacted as well as I could in the moment.  It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well.  It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix.  I'm sorry."

No answer.

Gunshots and More

She and Dusky had been working on their project for a couple of hours when he said "I'm burnt out.  Let's make you something to eat and have a bitch session."

It was so nice to be talking again, to converse with Dusky.  She always missed him until she saw him again, he was so awesome to be around.  They talked about life, love, and all the garbage actors they knew and the silly things they did.

He was just getting up to leave at 11 PM when they heard 5 gunshots outside the building.  "You aren't going anywhere" she said to him.

"I'll be fine, I'm parked by the bar right out front.  Literally I'm walking like 10 feet from the building to my car."

She reluctantly let him go.  She heard his elevator door close when she got a phone call from SD.

"Are you home?  Can I come up please?!?!?!"

"Of course!" She opened the door and waiting for her to come up.  SD had seen the whole thing, the gunman shooting into the parking lot...the one right where Dusky's car was parked.

Luckily Dusky called a minute later to say that he had watched the cops run up and tackle the guy, and he was in custody.  She was still holding onto a shaking SD as she answered the call from him.

Now that SD was safe she went to the balcony and looked over at all the cop cars.  Then she figured that the police might need a statement from her, and they should go downstairs to the lobby.

In the lobby she seemed to calmed down quite a bit, finally going back to her own studio feeling a little shook up but fine.

She went up to her own studio and chatted with Banana, the only other one that would be up this late.  Their conversation took an interesting turn and she found herself getting upset by the subject matter.  She knew she needed to stop talking about it and spiraling, so she said goodnight and took a big swig of her hydrocodone.

She was only asleep for 20 minutes before she was awake again at 2 AM.  She picked up her phone as MG sent her a Snapchat of her bruised and battered face.

Champagne Wishes

Her easy Sunday was marred when Goldie asked her to help with a "walk for the cure" style fundraiser that meant leaving the building at 6:45 in the morning.

It was hard getting up that early, and everyone was a little grumpy.  The event was good though, and they got out in time for a champagne brunch that Goldie sprung for.  It was pleasant and she got to give SD a hard time for standing her up all weekend.  She only had two mimosas, but they seemed to hit her a little hard.

She left them to walk the rest of the way home, where Dusky was waiting on her to go to a wine walk.  There was trivia afterwards, and they came in almost last place, but had a good time.  They shopped around a little bit, and had a drink at the wine bar.  She was tired though.  She wasn't drunk or buzzed, just drained.

She and Dusky had decided to start a podcast together, so they went to her house to record it.  She held her own, or so she thought, during the process and then drove him home.

When she got back to her apartment, she could barely walk to the elevators.  She didn't feel well at all, her thighs hurt from too much chair pose in yoga the day before, and she had far too much to drink.

The last time she had champagne she napped for two hours.  That had to be what was making her feel sick.  It was time to give up that brunch life.

Exclusivity Part 3

"Do you have a condom?" She asked him, knowing that she did but seeing if he had come prepared.

He looked at her, laughed awkwardly, and said no.  "I figured you were on birth control."

"Even if I was, that doesn't protect against STDs!  OMG what is wrong with you?!" She laughed.

He shrugged, shot her his trademark open mouthed smile, and said "What?  I used to be a sailor."

She burst out laughing, and he held her lovingly until she calmed down.  It was a great joke, as he had been in the coast guard for 4 years, but hadn't slept with a single person during active duty.

When she finished laughing, she looked up at him with a smirk and he asked "Do you have a condom?"

"You might have been a sailor, but I was a girl scout.  You are so lucky that I always come prepared."

She had heard of girls that had thrown out perfectly good condoms because they were meant for another man.  She felt that was stupidly wasteful, and pulled out not only the box of condoms with just one missing, but they also tried out the free condom she had in her purse from the center where she took yoga.

The sex was so different from her ex and KSL...it was romantic and passionate.  He worshiped at the alter of her body, and she was overcome.  Although a little awkward due to the fact that he hated condoms, they had an amazing time.

She woke him with kisses at 4AM, and they were late getting out of the apartment.  They parked about a half mile away and walked into the park.  They snuggled throughout the event, and met up with AB and PJ halfway through the event.  As they were all introverts, it was quiet and reflective.  PJ wanted to snap a photo he was going to turn into a meme, and AB was her usual millennial self.  Near the end they randomly ran into Dusky, and she and AB did an ugly scream and ran over to him.  She was glad some of the main great people in her life had finally met him.  It felt right that they were seeing just each other, and she was head in the clouds happy.

"Isn't Piz cute?" She texted Dusky.  "Cutie Patootie" was his response.

After a short breakfast, they went back to her place for a nap.  Of course more sex happened first, and they collapsed in each other's arms.  She reluctantly got up to go to the bathroom, and when she returned she stifled a laugh.  He was spread eagle across the bed on his back, snoring away.  It was adorable.  She wanted to take a picture, but didn't think that would be nice at all.  She instead took a mental snapshot and crawled up beside him.

Even in sleep, he grabbed for her and snuggled her to his chest.  It felt like home, and she fell asleep almost immediately.  The epic nap was restorative, and the overnight date had been a huge success.

Later, when she asked PJ what he had thought of Piz, he paused to think before responding.

"Whenever I looked over at him, he was looking at you.  I think he's good people."

Sausage Filled Weekend Part 1

"A weekend of dick.  That's what I have lined up for me." She told Dawn over coffee.

Thursday night she had a date with a guy she had met online dating.  They had exchanged very long messages about her favorite author before he took interest in her writing and invited her to drinks. Dusky dubbed him her Piz from their shared favorite TV Show, since he seemed perfect for her and wholesome.

The second date was Friday afternoon, with a guy who seemed like quite the character.  He was into polyamory, in fact he was already in a relationship with 4 other people. She almost stopped the date in it's tracks, but then she thought it would be good practice.  Plus, he was attractive.  The original plan was to meet on Friday, but after a ton of miscommunication they decided to push it to Saturday at noon after her yoga class.

Friday night she had plans with SD and Goldie to see a play, and hopefully get drinks afterward.

Then her dates took a platonic turn.  She planned on meeting with KSL for a walk on Saturday.  It started as drinks on Friday, but then the roommate lost her job.  Again. So it was downgraded to a walk on Saturday since he got called into rehearsal.  Then he got sick, and it was canceled altogether.  She then made plans to have dinner and a take in a movie with her maid of honor.

Sunday morning was taken up by a rehearsal for the morning, and a light board instruction in the afternoon.  Then she and Dusky were going to her building's 50th anniversary dinner and recording the first episode of their podcast.

For her first free weekend in a long time, it sure filled up quickly.

Son of a Beach

She had one day off in-between her last show and rehearsal for the next.  She already felt lighter, her schedule finally letting up.  She was also a little panicked, as she would have more time to accept dates from the dating site.  Both her previous dates had requested a second, but she wasn't interested in either one of them.  She did need to give the weapon back to the first one, so she supposed she was going to have to go on a second date whether she liked it or not.

She put her phone on airplane mode, and decided to just enjoy the day.  She, BFF, and Dusky had decided to go to the lake for the afternoon before seeing BFF's show.  They took photos all day, sat in the sun, went in the pool, and basically just relaxed and worked on their tans.  She managed to only get burned on one leg, so badly that it was swollen before the show even started.  She popped two painkillers and managed to get through the show, only almost falling asleep once.  It had been a long day and a lot of sun.

After the show they ended up giving another friend a ride home, and she caravaned everyone back to their homes before heading home herself.  She still had so much to do for the week, but she was too tired to do anything but get some after-sun lotion slathered on her and falling into bed.  

As she feel asleep she thought about how great the day had been, simple.  No drama of the past show, the new show shaping up to be amazing.  Everything was still busy, but her mind was finally calming down.  She'd only coughed a few times that day, and was sure that her sickness had been her just sick of dealing with the drama of the show.

She finally felt like life was leveling out.  Just as she drifted off, she realized she might have just jinxed herself.

Closing Night

The Show From Hell had finally come to a close.  They had a great last crowd, and everything went mostly smooth, save for an audience member who had mixed hard core pain meds and booze and ended up throwing up at the top of the show.

After the show she, Dusky, and 21 were going to go for her and KSL's signature cocktail.  She was hoping that if she shared it with someone else it would lose it's KSL power.  Now that they were basically through as friends and lovers, he was liking every post.  It was unnerving, and pissed her off as he hadn't liked anything of hers in months on social media.  He was doing it to virtually keep his face in her memory.  All she wanted to do was forget.

21 came to her in a panic after the show: He had forgotten his wallet at home, and couldn't buy her the drink.  She sighed as he lived a fair distance away, and said that they needed to leave then to fix the situation.  She told one of the directors what was going on and that they'd be back, and took off.

They were on their way back with the signature drink when she got a barrage of texts from cast members.  Where were they, everyone was waiting on them.  She was irritated, because the director knew damn well what was up with the situation.  They all arrived back a little irritated, and they were yelled at by everyone.  It looked like the shitshow was ending appropriately enough.

What they were "waiting on" was a toast the director wanted to make to everyone about all their hard work.  They got emotional, and it just got weird because obviously it didn't mean as much to everyone else.

After some pizza and cake that had the poster of the show printed on it, they moved onto another bar.  She unabashedly brought her signature cocktail in and sipped it throughout the night.  They were out until 3AM talking about their new shows and just making the moment with the people they cared about last a little longer.

Eventually she and SD walked home, their next hangout now up in the air with the close of the show.  She would miss certain people, but she was feeling no la petite morte for this one.

Sunday Brunch is Okay for Chilling

She kept looking on the inmate list, calling the automated number, and 21 wasn't there.  She finally had to admit defeat and walked home.  She was just heading into her apartment when Dawn texted asking if she could head over to her house early.  She couldn't be alone, she had gotten a text from her ex that upset her.  She said sure and hopped in the shower.

Right as she was almost ready, Goldie knocked on her door with a job opportunity for her at a film festival.  They chatted for awhile, she told Goldie about the MIA actor, her kissing Acrobat.

"You are going to end up fucking him." Goldie predicted, and she immediately winced at the thought.

"No!  I'm done being anyone's rebound.  I'm sick of being used." Secretly though, she was terrified.  Goldie was almost always right.  Why didn't anyone want her as a relationship?  Was this her future?  The girl you fucked to get over your ex?  Where did that leave her? Basically feeling as used as anyone could feel.

Minutes after Goldie left, Dawn entered her apartment.  She got ready quickly and they headed out to early morning coffee.  Dawn got filled in on the evenings events, and Dawn filled her in on the text message that sent her into a panic this morning.

Dawn's ex had sent her a text inviting her to paddle-board in an area she previous said she would love to go paddle-boarding.  He basically had invited her to what could be described as her dream date.  Only problem was, he didn't want to date her anymore.  She was conflicted as she really wanted to go, but already had plans all day.

"If you want to ditch out on me I totally understand!" She said to Dawn, who immediately said no.  They discussed how stupid men could be, giving them what they want only after it was too late.  Earlier the last week Dawn had slipped up and had sex with her ex, thus throwing the whole "we are friends now" dynamic into super orbit.  The waters they were navigating were very treacherous, and she didn't want Dawn to get hurt.  Their situations were too close to one another, only Dawn had at least had a small relationship first.

They both weren't in love with their male counterparts, but there was more emotion there than normal.

They decided to drown their sorrows in an indulgent day.  They went to coffee, then breakfast with mimosas, a bar for some hard cider to kill time, and arrived just in time for the matinee of TM's one man show.

Goldie and SD were there also, as well as Dusky sitting next to her and Acrobat in the row in front of them.  They had seen each other in the lobby, and Acrobat had acted like nothing at all had happened, except for 21's DUI.  She told him he looked nice in his shirt, and they parted ways.

"First of all, hotter than I remember" Dawn said of Acrobat. "Second, older than I remember.  You should go after that!"

"I don't think so...he's still not over his last girlfriend.  The last thing I need is another emotionally unavailable man.  I'm a little burned out on that type of guy."

21 texted that he was out of jail and doing okay, just very embarrassed.

The show started, and it was fantastic.  Afterwards she and Dawn were still feeling a little down about their situations.  They went to dinner where she drowned her sorrows in sushi, and Dawn had some vegan ramen.

They perked up as they left each other, hopefully that their situations would turn around.

Helplessness

Dusky sent her a text.  "Ni**as is tryin' to talk shit about you.  Nothing nasty but passive-aggressively saying backstage needs to be a little tighter."  She was obviously upset, and he texted back "They're actors!  I'm telling you, actors are garbage."

She thought about the scuffle she had with the directors, and now this.  She was busting her ass with a 103 temp and still struggling with strep.  They weren't even making their call times.  She was going through a divorce, they were lucky she wasn't in one long crying jag from the get go.

A crying jag was indeed, impending.  She started to do a slow leak...it went through the rest of the show, their "talkback" for an hour after the show, and up until 7:00 AM the next morning.  She couldn't stop crying, and she couldn't figure out why 3 actors talking trash about her was upsetting her so much.  She was all emotion and zero understanding, which just made her cry more.

Mid morning she finally got her clarity.  It was the parallels that were getting her.  She wasn't being appreciated.  Not by the directors, not by the actors...and especially not by her ex for the past 15 years.  It was a feeling that she had been running from, but she accidentally turned a corner and slammed right into them.  The realization hit hard and fast: The more she tried to be good and help, the more of a determent it was.  She was never going to be "good enough" for anyone.

"I give and give and everyone puts me on this high pedestal, but only so they can knock me off of it.  Or once I climb up they just build it higher so I can't reach it.  I don't know, my metaphor is weak." She told Dusky.

Once she realized this, another crying jag erupted from within her.  This one only lasted a few hours.

A few days later she was explaining her feelings to Mo over the phone.

"No," he said.  "No, who you are describing isn't my friend.  That's not Penny.  The Penny I know causes amazing differences in people's lives.  She is the one who tells me to go for jobs I would be afraid to go for, and now I'm starting with the airline at the beginning of next month.  That's only because you told me to go for it, and now I have a better job and am going to be making more money for my family, for my wife and our unborn child.  You made a video application for our co-worker who knew nothing about video editing, you directed it, and she got that job.  You might not have gotten the praise you deserved for that, but you changed her life for the better.  You are making a difference, those same people complaining about you, your ex...you made a positive impact in their lives.  The person you are talking about isn't you.  If those people can't see how much you have enriched their lives just by being there, fuck them.  You did it, they just don't see it.  That's on them, not you."

Her tears slowly stopped.  He was right.  She just needed to hear it.

Dawn and Dusky

Dawn was an acquaintance from college theatre.  Her hair was perfectly colored in an ombre blonde and her skin was just as luminous as it had been 10 years prior.  They bonded over their deceased dads, and their single status.

After a Saturday yoga class, Dawn started crying.  The yoga had brought out all the emotions of her current breakup.  She hugged Dawn to her tightly, and comforted her until she stopped.  They went out to get something to eat to talk it out.

As Dawn chowed down on her vegan meal, and she on her lox, they broke all the Bechtel rules and talked about their similar romantic relationships...or lack thereof.

Dawn had been in her casual relationship for a few weeks, but she felt him pulling away, like something was off.  Then, without warning, he decided it was too soon after his marriage and he broke up with her, wanting to remain friends.

They were both amazed how all the men in their lives could just shut off that function that processes sexual attraction.  It was like a literal switch they could flip that would make things non-sexual.  Platonic. Static.

Why would no man be able to feel as deeply for them as they did?  It was a sad state, and there was no way to fix it.  Her ex, though a great guy, never really felt for her as she did for him...or they would still be together.  He would still fight for her.  Someone should.

Enter Dusky.  Gay and with a boyfriend, they had started a flirtationship anyway.  He had been in her show last summer, and they had become closer since, and even more so now that he had joined up her current production.  He was filling the KSL void nicely, actually being a friend and being affectionate in public.  She felt loved, appreciated, and listened to.  They could have existential conversations without it getting weird and involved.  When she needed someone, he came over.  He was a good friend.

She felt like she was slowly able to move on from everything with friends such as these.

Mile Marker 1

"I want to walk the crooked mile later when it gets cooler.  You up for it?"

"Sure."

They had been studio-locked for a long time, only once meeting up for a movie with other people involved.  His roommate had been there, and they started out the walk talking about her.

"She wanted me to say that we decided to cancel.  She didn't want you coming."

"That would've been awkward because I would have been there with Dusky anyway.  What is her deal with me?  I defended her." She bit her tongue and decided not to tell him that Goldie had gotten more information, and it most certainly WAS her that had been talking about fucking him, and that her friend was saying she didn't want to hear them fucking again that night, or see the bruises on her the next morning.  She had decided to drop it.  It was before they had gotten together, and what he did before that was his business.

"All I've got to do is hold on for 10 more months and then I can come up with a new plan."  Almost the same sentence structure as when he moved in with his girlfriend.  He would always be waiting for the future to reach him.

He was complaining about all the usual stuff, and she was letting him wear himself out.  His roommate was a bitch, had problems, might be losing custody of her kid, etc.  She was in a bad mood, he was still pissy about what other people are saying about him, and her.  Even his ex thought he and the roommate were fucking.  He was angry about everyone thinking he was doing things he wasn't doing, and how no one thought he was changing when he was trying to hard to make everything right, including taking all of the blame in situations.

After he had wound down, she said "Are you just looking to vent or do you want my opinion?"  He replied "By all means, go ahead!"

"Okay, remember I asked you first.  Everyone talks about you behind your back (and I'll get to why that doesn't happen as much as you think in a minute) because you don't outwardly change.  Whenever a situation arises you take on all the blame, you say it's your fault, that you are an asshole.  But you NEVER say 'I'm sorry, what can I do to make it better and have it not happen next time?' You never learn from your mistakes, you just keep making them.  People want resolutions, not the same mistakes over and over again.  Beating yourself up and then not doing anything about it makes people feel LESS sorry for you."

"And people don't talk about you near as much as you think they do.  You go to these great lengths, including treating me like shit in public, to get people to stop talking about us.  I had MORE people come to me asking if we were fighting then I ever did asking if we were fucking.  They saw how you treated me, saw that I was upset by it, and came to my aid.  People talk because they care, and I'm glad for that kind of support in my life.  I know you don't see it like that, but maybe you should start, and realize that the talk is something that, for the most part, YOU are creating."

He was quiet for longer than he usually was, taking it in.  She had finally gotten through to him, got him to think about it.  She wondered how long that would last.  If she could judge by her ex, about a month or so.  Maybe shorter.  She could see his expression change and knew something else was on his mind, and asked him to share.