She had decided, against better judgement, to reconnect with Mel. She didn't really trust him, but feeling sorry for him sort of over-rode that emotion. They met for sushi, and she was embarrassed to say that she had completely forgotten his beginning order, save for one roll. It had only been a few months since they had seen each other, but she guessed it wasn't important enough to her to retain that information. They did do a fair amount of catching up, and he made fun of her for breaking it off with him and now she had started actually doing edibles.
She apologized about how she was in a bad place and ended it through a text message. He forgave her, said that it happened, and asked how she was doing now. Better, she decided. She was just overwhelmed with emotion and felt like she would never get anything more than what she had with him, that they just weren't meant to be and it was silly to continue to waste each other's time. Her feelings hadn't changed, but the situation hadn't changed either.
They ended the evening on a good note.
She awoke one morning and started off to an annual autumn event that she had gone to with Mel the year before. It had been both their first times doing the event last year, and it had been so long since she did a "couple-y" thing that it was thrilling in the moment.
At the last moment she decided it was too hot for what she was wearing and changed into a t-shirt, then realized that it was the shirt Mel had gotten her from the time they went to see his favorite band. On the way out of town, their song played, from another concert they'd attended. She decided it was a sign, and brought the spoils of the trip to his workplace that night and explained what happened.
"I was just thinking about you this morning too." He confided. "Yeah? What were you thinking about?" She prodded.
"Just you, and when we went to dinner, and how it was nice to spend time with you." She smiled. He said she made his "stoner kid heart swell" with the treats she had brought to him. He was clearly already a bit stoned, but they had a good conversation with the other people he had been talking to, and he said he'd walk her to her car.
They hugged goodbye, and she noticed that he had taken a wider stance, This was something he used to do so that it was easier for them to kiss, and he hugged her longer than usual. So long in fact that she asked him if he was okay, and he said it had just been awhile since they had hugged. A look crossed his eyes briefly, then he straightened up and said goodbye.
She was slightly disappointed that he hadn't tried to kiss her, but also very impressed that he didn't. It was incredibly respectful, while still feeling out the situation. Even in his incredibly state of stoned he'd managed to still respect her. It almost made her like him more than she had before.
Showing posts with label Banana. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Banana. Show all posts
Wednesday, November 7, 2018
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Genenna
Genenna- a place or state of misery; hell.
She was avoiding messaging her landlady. She knew her lease was up at the end of April, and the front desk guard had told her the owners had just been slapped with a huge fee for something silly.
She figured maybe if she waited...she didn't know. She signed up for a new app that sent her updates of free apartments.
One day she received the text. Her landlady was going to sell the apartment. She asked for at least 2 months notice of her having to move out, she acquiesced.
Her mind went into overdrive. She researched apartments, signed up for alerts...and that night she went out to dinner with Mel. She apologized for fixating, and he said it was fine. She mentioned that one possibility, that she didn't want to really think about right now, was that KSL needed a roommate in June. Mel recalled his days being a roommate with KSL, and advised strongly against it. She said that with KSL she would at least know what she was getting into, she knew him.
Mel said that he would offer to move with her, but "that's a little too relationship stuff."
Internally she rolled her eyes. God forbid she was awesome enough to want to have "relationship stuff" with. She decided to shake it off, since he was the least of her worries at this moment.
Then, days later...she got her two months notice. She needed to be out by May 15th, and there were three realtors coming by that weekend to look at the apartment. The tearful phone call came right in the middle of the wrap party for the movie. She tried to pull it together, but the text messages from the investors came rolling in right after. She just tried to keep it together as well as possible. She spoke briefly with KSL over the phone about having a talk about being roommates. He was going through his own thing and she deliberately tried to keep the emotion out of her voice as she spoke to him.
Mel showed up soon afterward, but he was spooked because an old girlfriend who had once slashed his tires was there. He said he didn't feel comfortable with her there, and left soon afterward despite the fact that she said she wasn't feeling well and needed a ride home. He texted with her a little later vaguely threatening that if she moved in with KSL that he wouldn't see her anymore.
Good Riddance.
She got back to the apartment and realized that she was going to be up for hours trying to clean the apartment for the first realtor the next morning.
She got as far as her front hallway and started sobbing. She was not ready to say goodbye to this space. She was set free here. She realized that sex was enjoyable in this space, fell in love, and had so many drunk late nights with friends. She was not going to see Goldie and SD as often.
What if she had to go back? What if she ended up having no choice and moving back in with her mom, and her ex who still lived there? She was suddenly back there, that moment before she moved into her studio and was so desperate to have a different life, to be set free.
She felt as if she was going to lose her freedom again. It felt terrible.
"This place saved me. This apartment, you, saved me. I'm not ready to let go" She tearfully sobbed to Goldie.
She would figured it out eventually....but for the next three days she couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop mourning the potential loss. And she did it alone.
She was avoiding messaging her landlady. She knew her lease was up at the end of April, and the front desk guard had told her the owners had just been slapped with a huge fee for something silly.
She figured maybe if she waited...she didn't know. She signed up for a new app that sent her updates of free apartments.
One day she received the text. Her landlady was going to sell the apartment. She asked for at least 2 months notice of her having to move out, she acquiesced.
Her mind went into overdrive. She researched apartments, signed up for alerts...and that night she went out to dinner with Mel. She apologized for fixating, and he said it was fine. She mentioned that one possibility, that she didn't want to really think about right now, was that KSL needed a roommate in June. Mel recalled his days being a roommate with KSL, and advised strongly against it. She said that with KSL she would at least know what she was getting into, she knew him.
Mel said that he would offer to move with her, but "that's a little too relationship stuff."
Internally she rolled her eyes. God forbid she was awesome enough to want to have "relationship stuff" with. She decided to shake it off, since he was the least of her worries at this moment.
Then, days later...she got her two months notice. She needed to be out by May 15th, and there were three realtors coming by that weekend to look at the apartment. The tearful phone call came right in the middle of the wrap party for the movie. She tried to pull it together, but the text messages from the investors came rolling in right after. She just tried to keep it together as well as possible. She spoke briefly with KSL over the phone about having a talk about being roommates. He was going through his own thing and she deliberately tried to keep the emotion out of her voice as she spoke to him.
Mel showed up soon afterward, but he was spooked because an old girlfriend who had once slashed his tires was there. He said he didn't feel comfortable with her there, and left soon afterward despite the fact that she said she wasn't feeling well and needed a ride home. He texted with her a little later vaguely threatening that if she moved in with KSL that he wouldn't see her anymore.
Good Riddance.
She got back to the apartment and realized that she was going to be up for hours trying to clean the apartment for the first realtor the next morning.
She got as far as her front hallway and started sobbing. She was not ready to say goodbye to this space. She was set free here. She realized that sex was enjoyable in this space, fell in love, and had so many drunk late nights with friends. She was not going to see Goldie and SD as often.
What if she had to go back? What if she ended up having no choice and moving back in with her mom, and her ex who still lived there? She was suddenly back there, that moment before she moved into her studio and was so desperate to have a different life, to be set free.
She felt as if she was going to lose her freedom again. It felt terrible.
"This place saved me. This apartment, you, saved me. I'm not ready to let go" She tearfully sobbed to Goldie.
She would figured it out eventually....but for the next three days she couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop mourning the potential loss. And she did it alone.
Friday, March 2, 2018
Quit Playing Games With My Heart
She walked into the arcade bar that Banana frequented and where she was meeting up with Piz. From his texts he seemed excited to meet up with her despite it snowing all day, threatening to freeze all the roads.
The bartender was instructed by Banana to flirt shamelessly with her so Piz got jealous, which was just a funny game considering that Piz was already in an (albeit terrible) relationship and she wasn't about to get involved with all that.
"...you still like him!" the bartender said with his trademark grin. Her half-smile and glance to the right gave her away. She couldn't deny it. Maybe a piece of her heart would always be with that goofball. What they had was fire and wasn't fully realized, and she desired closure so much that she was in that bar.
They played pinball, and a few other games that she was embarrassingly bad at. After a few minutes of hanging out he asked her if she was hungry, because he was starving.
Piz ended up picking a new pizza joint within walking distance of the bar. She grabbed her jacket out of the car and laughed because his light jacket wasn't going to cut it for the walk. Halfway there he realized the sidewalk was too narrow and let her walk ahead, softly berating himself for not doing it in the first place. Her heart squeezed a little bit as she remembered the time he pulled her out of the way of some leaking water on her walkway. She felt like no one had ever really looked out for her in such a sweet way.
They walked past the restaurant that saw their end as a couple. "You ever go back there?" She asked him. "No....you?"
"Are you kidding? They had a giant taxidermist bear head over the woman's toilet. I'm never going back there."
He chuckled at the earlier memory of that night. At the pizza place they talked about how the bar moving in next door was their second date. She brought up that she always worried that he had stopped smoking because she didn't like it. She mentioned that Mel was really into pot and it was a strong disconnect with her.
"Amy smokes pot every night, without fail." He shared.
She took a deep breath. "Does she know that it's over?"
He looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, that was really overstepping. You do not have to answer that at all."
"No, no...I honestly don't know. She can't not know."
"You play it pretty close to the vest Piz. She might not know."
They started talking about other things since he was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. She was going to be sensitive because he was doing to Amy what he did to her, just on a grander scale.
They started talking finances, and as the conversation continued she suddenly realized how much he didn't really care about them. When they met he wanted a career in finance, she thought he was passionate about it.
He was so...listless. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He never actually stuck to anything, or anyone.
She had, yet again, dodged another bullet.
The bartender was instructed by Banana to flirt shamelessly with her so Piz got jealous, which was just a funny game considering that Piz was already in an (albeit terrible) relationship and she wasn't about to get involved with all that.
"...you still like him!" the bartender said with his trademark grin. Her half-smile and glance to the right gave her away. She couldn't deny it. Maybe a piece of her heart would always be with that goofball. What they had was fire and wasn't fully realized, and she desired closure so much that she was in that bar.
They played pinball, and a few other games that she was embarrassingly bad at. After a few minutes of hanging out he asked her if she was hungry, because he was starving.
Piz ended up picking a new pizza joint within walking distance of the bar. She grabbed her jacket out of the car and laughed because his light jacket wasn't going to cut it for the walk. Halfway there he realized the sidewalk was too narrow and let her walk ahead, softly berating himself for not doing it in the first place. Her heart squeezed a little bit as she remembered the time he pulled her out of the way of some leaking water on her walkway. She felt like no one had ever really looked out for her in such a sweet way.
They walked past the restaurant that saw their end as a couple. "You ever go back there?" She asked him. "No....you?"
"Are you kidding? They had a giant taxidermist bear head over the woman's toilet. I'm never going back there."
He chuckled at the earlier memory of that night. At the pizza place they talked about how the bar moving in next door was their second date. She brought up that she always worried that he had stopped smoking because she didn't like it. She mentioned that Mel was really into pot and it was a strong disconnect with her.
"Amy smokes pot every night, without fail." He shared.
She took a deep breath. "Does she know that it's over?"
He looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, that was really overstepping. You do not have to answer that at all."
"No, no...I honestly don't know. She can't not know."
"You play it pretty close to the vest Piz. She might not know."
They started talking about other things since he was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. She was going to be sensitive because he was doing to Amy what he did to her, just on a grander scale.
They started talking finances, and as the conversation continued she suddenly realized how much he didn't really care about them. When they met he wanted a career in finance, she thought he was passionate about it.
He was so...listless. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He never actually stuck to anything, or anyone.
She had, yet again, dodged another bullet.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
You Get Your Rest
She woke up one morning, and the act of putting her feet on the ground felt like a defeat. She was depressed.
It was in this depression that she realized she hadn't actually been depressed in quite a while. She'd just been too busy.
Working on her new play had been difficult. No one was bonding, everyone was alpha-ing except for the director, and it was the stage manager's first time so she had to teach him the ropes without being overbearing. No one in the cast was bonding. She felt like she just went to get a little affection with JJ once in awhile.
Goldie was filming another movie and had actually cast her in it. It was her first time acting since college, and it was stressful to do the art direction and worry about a performance. While in production she rode the high of spending time with new people and being on a movie set. She thought she'd made a couple of friends, but their interest in Banana proved to show they were just looking for something else. She was happy Banana was getting the attention, but she was sad that these people didn't even want to be her friend.
At the end, she was also judging a local beauty pageant when a last minute addition to the shoot came up. She worked through the night, then went to day 1 of the pageant directly afterwards, followed by the last night of her play. In the end she was up for about 41 hours, and it took it's toll. After the next day the pageant was over, and thus all her projects had ended.
And so it all came crashing down. The vagintis she'd been fighting since the beginning of all the crazy suddenly raged. She called the doctor, thought about the friends she had made and lost in such a short time, and how there was nothing else to look forward to.
She wanted to deactivate her dating apps. She tried to be productive but ended up back in her bed after a few hours. The only thing that pulled her out of it for a bit was going to see IL's and Levi's new baby. He was very calming and sweet, and it was amazing, but the next day she was back to being cranky.
It would all pass, but for now she had nothing to look forward to.
It was in this depression that she realized she hadn't actually been depressed in quite a while. She'd just been too busy.
Working on her new play had been difficult. No one was bonding, everyone was alpha-ing except for the director, and it was the stage manager's first time so she had to teach him the ropes without being overbearing. No one in the cast was bonding. She felt like she just went to get a little affection with JJ once in awhile.
Goldie was filming another movie and had actually cast her in it. It was her first time acting since college, and it was stressful to do the art direction and worry about a performance. While in production she rode the high of spending time with new people and being on a movie set. She thought she'd made a couple of friends, but their interest in Banana proved to show they were just looking for something else. She was happy Banana was getting the attention, but she was sad that these people didn't even want to be her friend.
At the end, she was also judging a local beauty pageant when a last minute addition to the shoot came up. She worked through the night, then went to day 1 of the pageant directly afterwards, followed by the last night of her play. In the end she was up for about 41 hours, and it took it's toll. After the next day the pageant was over, and thus all her projects had ended.
And so it all came crashing down. The vagintis she'd been fighting since the beginning of all the crazy suddenly raged. She called the doctor, thought about the friends she had made and lost in such a short time, and how there was nothing else to look forward to.
She wanted to deactivate her dating apps. She tried to be productive but ended up back in her bed after a few hours. The only thing that pulled her out of it for a bit was going to see IL's and Levi's new baby. He was very calming and sweet, and it was amazing, but the next day she was back to being cranky.
It would all pass, but for now she had nothing to look forward to.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Loveish Triangles
It was 9PM when she got dropped off from drinks with a friend. Still tipsy she entered her apartment as her phone went off.
"What are you up to?" text from JJ. "Nothing just got home from a couple of drinks."
"Want to go to a house party? I'm just getting out of the show and they are all going." He asked.
"Ummmm, well I'm still a little drunk so you'd have to come pick me up." She said, figuring that would be the end of it, and she sat down on her couch.
"I'll be there in five."
Crap.
She brushed her teeth and came downstairs. As she walked out the front door and looked for him, she spotted him outside of his car on his phone. He looked up and smiled his adorable schoolboy grin and opened the door for her. She made a comment that she knew how to get into a car and he stopped her saying that it was the gentlemanly thing to do.
He promised a friend fries so they went to a drive through that took a long time to get through. While they were waiting he brought up how he didn't like the fact that he was talked about as being a fuckboy on her podcast, anonymously of course.
"Explain it to me. How are you not a player, a Casanova?" She smirked at him.
"I enjoy the company of people, in general. I think they are interesting, and I like getting to know them. Women just aren't used to being treated right."
"You can say that again. There's a whole stand-up about it. I'm not used to it at all. There's a thin line between being yourself, your own person, not needing anyone else...and letting someone do things for you."
"Just accept it. You deserve to be treated well...just let it happen."
Still, in her mind, she resisted. She could hold doors for herself. Getting her own drink was fine. And yet, her main love language was and is Acts of Service...why wouldn't she let herself accept the love she should feel she deserved?
When they arrived at the party she got up to get a drink and JJ stopped her and asked what she wanted. She said that she just wanted some water but she could get it herself. He said he was getting it, and they both said at the exact same time: "We just talked about this."
She sighed and sat down, allowing him to grab her cup of water with tons of ice. It was going to be a hard road to just let him be a gentleman.
She managed to let it ride the whole night. He got her water, flitted around talking to everyone but always came back to her. She was on her phone and he asked who she was talking to, and she said Banana was out downtown with some of her drunk high school friends.
"We could go there."
So they said goodbye to all the remaining people and got back into his truck. Making their way back downtown, they talked more about him not wanting to ever be tied down to one person, actually be in a relationship. He said he'd never want to be in one, and sex just wasn't all that important to him. She smiled as Mel had told her a slightly different version of the story, but she firmly put it into the "not her business" category in her mind.
They got to the bar and realized Banana's friends were beyond wasted. She was trying to get them all to go to the next bar, but it was like herding cats. She and JJ followed them around for awhile, holding hands and he made fun of her hand holding. "You don't interlace the fingers, you hold hands like mittens? My thumb goes on top!" She laughed and they walked until they had round up all of Banana's friends and moved to the next spot.
They spent some time with Banana at the bar, until one of her friends made an insensitive joke. JJ took a minute and stepped outside because he was angry at the joke. She brushed it off because not only was the joke not funny, but he was too drunk to know what he was talking about. JJ came back in and ordered a water, drained it quickly, and then put his hand on her knee. He played with the fabric on her dress until he had moved it aside and caressed her bare knee. Suddenly, he squeezed it playfully to get her attention.
"Ready to go?"
It was around 3:45 in the morning, so she figured it was time. They had raged hard enough, even though she felt perfectly sober.
He held open the door of his truck for her, and they breezed along the half mile to her apartment. He hopped out of the car, opened her door for her, and grabbed her hand again as he walked her to the front door of the building.
He reached out and kissed her, and they made out for a little while. She was glad to have the redemption of another round of kissing where she wasn't sloppy drunk, but she found his kisses to be...not as bold as she would've liked. Still, it was pleasant to have a guy who wanted to kiss her, even if it wasn't ever going to go anywhere.
She was smiling as she went upstairs, got on her PJs, and put her head hit the pillow.
Then her phone rang. It was the intercom system for the building.
It was 5AM.
She hesitated, then answered.
"What are you up to?" text from JJ. "Nothing just got home from a couple of drinks."
"Want to go to a house party? I'm just getting out of the show and they are all going." He asked.
"Ummmm, well I'm still a little drunk so you'd have to come pick me up." She said, figuring that would be the end of it, and she sat down on her couch.
"I'll be there in five."
Crap.
She brushed her teeth and came downstairs. As she walked out the front door and looked for him, she spotted him outside of his car on his phone. He looked up and smiled his adorable schoolboy grin and opened the door for her. She made a comment that she knew how to get into a car and he stopped her saying that it was the gentlemanly thing to do.
He promised a friend fries so they went to a drive through that took a long time to get through. While they were waiting he brought up how he didn't like the fact that he was talked about as being a fuckboy on her podcast, anonymously of course.
"Explain it to me. How are you not a player, a Casanova?" She smirked at him.
"I enjoy the company of people, in general. I think they are interesting, and I like getting to know them. Women just aren't used to being treated right."
"You can say that again. There's a whole stand-up about it. I'm not used to it at all. There's a thin line between being yourself, your own person, not needing anyone else...and letting someone do things for you."
"Just accept it. You deserve to be treated well...just let it happen."
Still, in her mind, she resisted. She could hold doors for herself. Getting her own drink was fine. And yet, her main love language was and is Acts of Service...why wouldn't she let herself accept the love she should feel she deserved?
When they arrived at the party she got up to get a drink and JJ stopped her and asked what she wanted. She said that she just wanted some water but she could get it herself. He said he was getting it, and they both said at the exact same time: "We just talked about this."
She sighed and sat down, allowing him to grab her cup of water with tons of ice. It was going to be a hard road to just let him be a gentleman.
She managed to let it ride the whole night. He got her water, flitted around talking to everyone but always came back to her. She was on her phone and he asked who she was talking to, and she said Banana was out downtown with some of her drunk high school friends.
"We could go there."
So they said goodbye to all the remaining people and got back into his truck. Making their way back downtown, they talked more about him not wanting to ever be tied down to one person, actually be in a relationship. He said he'd never want to be in one, and sex just wasn't all that important to him. She smiled as Mel had told her a slightly different version of the story, but she firmly put it into the "not her business" category in her mind.
They got to the bar and realized Banana's friends were beyond wasted. She was trying to get them all to go to the next bar, but it was like herding cats. She and JJ followed them around for awhile, holding hands and he made fun of her hand holding. "You don't interlace the fingers, you hold hands like mittens? My thumb goes on top!" She laughed and they walked until they had round up all of Banana's friends and moved to the next spot.
They spent some time with Banana at the bar, until one of her friends made an insensitive joke. JJ took a minute and stepped outside because he was angry at the joke. She brushed it off because not only was the joke not funny, but he was too drunk to know what he was talking about. JJ came back in and ordered a water, drained it quickly, and then put his hand on her knee. He played with the fabric on her dress until he had moved it aside and caressed her bare knee. Suddenly, he squeezed it playfully to get her attention.
"Ready to go?"
It was around 3:45 in the morning, so she figured it was time. They had raged hard enough, even though she felt perfectly sober.
He held open the door of his truck for her, and they breezed along the half mile to her apartment. He hopped out of the car, opened her door for her, and grabbed her hand again as he walked her to the front door of the building.
He reached out and kissed her, and they made out for a little while. She was glad to have the redemption of another round of kissing where she wasn't sloppy drunk, but she found his kisses to be...not as bold as she would've liked. Still, it was pleasant to have a guy who wanted to kiss her, even if it wasn't ever going to go anywhere.
She was smiling as she went upstairs, got on her PJs, and put her head hit the pillow.
Then her phone rang. It was the intercom system for the building.
It was 5AM.
She hesitated, then answered.
Monday, June 5, 2017
End of an Era
She was more upset than she had any right to be about the last Improv show. She had been with them for so long, and they were her first friends after moving back. She didn't know where she would be without the constant steadfastness of SD, the yoga and inspiration of TM, the endless wisdom of Goldie, and of course the BFF who had introduced them all to her. Even MG, although as of late they hadn't been getting along and things were becoming incredibly strained.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
Friday, June 2, 2017
Gunshots and More
She and Dusky had been working on their project for a couple of hours when he said "I'm burnt out. Let's make you something to eat and have a bitch session."
It was so nice to be talking again, to converse with Dusky. She always missed him until she saw him again, he was so awesome to be around. They talked about life, love, and all the garbage actors they knew and the silly things they did.
He was just getting up to leave at 11 PM when they heard 5 gunshots outside the building. "You aren't going anywhere" she said to him.
"I'll be fine, I'm parked by the bar right out front. Literally I'm walking like 10 feet from the building to my car."
She reluctantly let him go. She heard his elevator door close when she got a phone call from SD.
"Are you home? Can I come up please?!?!?!"
"Of course!" She opened the door and waiting for her to come up. SD had seen the whole thing, the gunman shooting into the parking lot...the one right where Dusky's car was parked.
Luckily Dusky called a minute later to say that he had watched the cops run up and tackle the guy, and he was in custody. She was still holding onto a shaking SD as she answered the call from him.
Now that SD was safe she went to the balcony and looked over at all the cop cars. Then she figured that the police might need a statement from her, and they should go downstairs to the lobby.
In the lobby she seemed to calmed down quite a bit, finally going back to her own studio feeling a little shook up but fine.
She went up to her own studio and chatted with Banana, the only other one that would be up this late. Their conversation took an interesting turn and she found herself getting upset by the subject matter. She knew she needed to stop talking about it and spiraling, so she said goodnight and took a big swig of her hydrocodone.
She was only asleep for 20 minutes before she was awake again at 2 AM. She picked up her phone as MG sent her a Snapchat of her bruised and battered face.
It was so nice to be talking again, to converse with Dusky. She always missed him until she saw him again, he was so awesome to be around. They talked about life, love, and all the garbage actors they knew and the silly things they did.
He was just getting up to leave at 11 PM when they heard 5 gunshots outside the building. "You aren't going anywhere" she said to him.
"I'll be fine, I'm parked by the bar right out front. Literally I'm walking like 10 feet from the building to my car."
She reluctantly let him go. She heard his elevator door close when she got a phone call from SD.
"Are you home? Can I come up please?!?!?!"
"Of course!" She opened the door and waiting for her to come up. SD had seen the whole thing, the gunman shooting into the parking lot...the one right where Dusky's car was parked.
Luckily Dusky called a minute later to say that he had watched the cops run up and tackle the guy, and he was in custody. She was still holding onto a shaking SD as she answered the call from him.
Now that SD was safe she went to the balcony and looked over at all the cop cars. Then she figured that the police might need a statement from her, and they should go downstairs to the lobby.
In the lobby she seemed to calmed down quite a bit, finally going back to her own studio feeling a little shook up but fine.
She went up to her own studio and chatted with Banana, the only other one that would be up this late. Their conversation took an interesting turn and she found herself getting upset by the subject matter. She knew she needed to stop talking about it and spiraling, so she said goodnight and took a big swig of her hydrocodone.
She was only asleep for 20 minutes before she was awake again at 2 AM. She picked up her phone as MG sent her a Snapchat of her bruised and battered face.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Sleeping Pukey
She had slept for 14 hours the day after her surgery. Her doctor had said if she felt up to it she should get out and do something. She felt after 14 hours she should be up to it, so she agreed to go to see a movie with PJ, BFF, SD and Banana.
The Marvel Superhero movie was funny and great...until the action began. Her eyes weren't adjusting to the lights at all, and everything seemed to get louder and louder.
Her stomach churned. Convulsed. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to throw up. Even with her eyes closed the movie was so bright. She considered getting up. leaving...but knew if she got up she would throw up all over the strangers in her row. She couldn't do that.
So she stuck it out, willfully blocking out the light and sound as best she could.
As they walked out of the movie, she got confused and walked the wrong way to the other side of the theatre with everyone. She tried to sign that she was going to walk home, but PJ saw that she was struggling.
"Dizzy? Nauseous?" He asked, and she nodded. BFF and SD offered to drive her home, as they were next door in the parking garage. Just the idea of going around and around in the garage made her reach out for PJ's shoulder. He said that they would walk back to his truck and he would drive her the rest of the way home.
He made sure she was following closely behind, and reached out for her hand as he crossed the street in front of cars who seemed to have no intention of stopping. He felt her falter back, afraid of getting hit by the oncoming traffic.
He glanced back and smiled at her, "Penny, you know I'm not going to put you in danger. You are okay, come on."
He unlocked his passenger side door, and she reached over to unlock the driver's side of his old truck. He thanked her, and kept her conscious throughout the short drive, talking about things just deep enough to keep her interested but shallow enough that her feeble mind could follow along.
They got to the loading zone of her building, and he hopped out and got the door for her. He hugged her tight and said that if she got too dizzy to be alone to give him a call and he and AB would make up their couch for her and let her stay for a few days.
He was truly an angel sent from heaven to her. She went back upstairs knowing she had a backup plan if she knew it, and she feel asleep despite her narrowly pupil-ed eyes.
The Marvel Superhero movie was funny and great...until the action began. Her eyes weren't adjusting to the lights at all, and everything seemed to get louder and louder.
Her stomach churned. Convulsed. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to throw up. Even with her eyes closed the movie was so bright. She considered getting up. leaving...but knew if she got up she would throw up all over the strangers in her row. She couldn't do that.
So she stuck it out, willfully blocking out the light and sound as best she could.
As they walked out of the movie, she got confused and walked the wrong way to the other side of the theatre with everyone. She tried to sign that she was going to walk home, but PJ saw that she was struggling.
"Dizzy? Nauseous?" He asked, and she nodded. BFF and SD offered to drive her home, as they were next door in the parking garage. Just the idea of going around and around in the garage made her reach out for PJ's shoulder. He said that they would walk back to his truck and he would drive her the rest of the way home.
He made sure she was following closely behind, and reached out for her hand as he crossed the street in front of cars who seemed to have no intention of stopping. He felt her falter back, afraid of getting hit by the oncoming traffic.
He glanced back and smiled at her, "Penny, you know I'm not going to put you in danger. You are okay, come on."
He unlocked his passenger side door, and she reached over to unlock the driver's side of his old truck. He thanked her, and kept her conscious throughout the short drive, talking about things just deep enough to keep her interested but shallow enough that her feeble mind could follow along.
They got to the loading zone of her building, and he hopped out and got the door for her. He hugged her tight and said that if she got too dizzy to be alone to give him a call and he and AB would make up their couch for her and let her stay for a few days.
He was truly an angel sent from heaven to her. She went back upstairs knowing she had a backup plan if she knew it, and she feel asleep despite her narrowly pupil-ed eyes.
Monday, August 29, 2016
GTFO
At 9:30 the next morning, KSL FB messaged her "How goes?" and she could actually feel her blood boil.
He took awhile, then responded "
"I'm still fucking furious. I was up all night. I was thinking about how you feel like you only share
things with me, not because we are friends, but because you think you
owe me something. That's not how friendship works. I feel like you
only apologized to me so you wouldn't have to feel bad about someone
hating you for something you did. It calls into question everything I
thought we put behind us. If you don't want to be my friend because you
like me as a person, then stop. Because that's what I'm getting from
you. It's not a friendship, it's an obligation. With everything I'm
going through, I need people in my life who are there for me, because I
need them and because we are friends. If that's not you, then lets just
fucking stop right now."
He took awhile, then responded "
I don't feel obligated to hang with you, nor be your friend. I could tell you were distressed by the information I divulged, and I panicked and backpedaled.
I just started spewing nonsense
Which of course didn't help the situation
As to your messages last night, I understand your frustration. I was going to cheekily suggest that the 'woe is my dick' thing is part of my charm, but thought better of it
Bottom line, I feel no obligation
It was just me trying to smooth over a situation rather than just saying #DealWithIt"
"I checked my messages. July 18th was the first rendezvous with Banana. Whether that helps or hurts, so be it. I am who I am, Ive made choices good and bad. I will find a way to live with them, regardless of whatever judgment or approvals I receive along the way. It's hard to be truthful with anyone nowadays, because my truth always leaves a path of shit and destruction in its wake. Everybody wants honesty until you say something they don't like."
"Okay
"I was upset because your time table doesn't match up.
You make it sound like you were fucking Banana for awhile, but managed
to have a little non-romance with X at the same time. Basically
you were never going to tell me, and then you say you only tell me
because you feel an obligation. Backpedaling and telling me to deal
with it isn't the friend style I'm looking for in my life. You of all
fucking people should know that. You always manage to 'accidentally'
make me feel like shit about myself, and I need the opposite to happen."
"I checked my messages. July 18th was the first rendezvous with Banana. Whether that helps or hurts, so be it. I am who I am, Ive made choices good and bad. I will find a way to live with them, regardless of whatever judgment or approvals I receive along the way. It's hard to be truthful with anyone nowadays, because my truth always leaves a path of shit and destruction in its wake. Everybody wants honesty until you say something they don't like."
"You think your lies are better? I think maybe you should start living your life so
that you never have to lie to prevent hurting people. Let me be clear: I
don't care that you slept with Banana...I'm glad she got some, glad you
got some. But at a time when I deserved at least a heads up that our
pact was over, that is what I'm angry about. Your distrust, while at the
same time lying to me, is what I will always have a problem with."
"Okay
I'm sorry
Its a learning process for me
I appreciate you telling me, sharing your frustration."
"Okay. With that in mind, is there anything else you
need to tell me? Because this is it. I'm one more deception from
setting fire to our friendship and keeping warm as it burns to the
ground, and inviting everyone to roast marshmallows."
"Everyone, eh?
"Everyone, eh?
And no, you're up to speed. For what its worth, I haven't spoken to or heard from X since it fell apart. Something tells me I'm off her radar now. Not
losing any sleep over it.
So, that's one less thing to worry about
I'm sorry I caused you distress."
She didn't respond. She was still blood boiling mad.
She didn't respond. She was still blood boiling mad.
Friday, August 26, 2016
More Than Once, Shame on Me
Tech week had gone okay, and preview went really well with KSL in the audience with his loud laugh. He agreed to go out with the cast afterwards, and she was immediately drunk after one cider because she hadn't been able to eat in the last 6 hours. She found herself less tolerant of KSL's constant "There is no one that will fuck me" lament when he was out in public.
She texted him across the bar "Banana and Acrobat are fucking? Maybe?" He walked over to her and said he'd talk about it later.
She raised her eyebrow, but agreed they would talk later. She demanded that he drive her home about a half hour later and tell her the story.
They were walking to his car, and he asked how she was. "Drunk, since I didn't eat anything. Don't dawdle, tell me the story!" She looped her arm through his as they walked, meant it to be a friendly gesture. However, even in her drunken state she could feel him tense up. She pulled away, hurt that even a friendly gesture couldn't be taken as such by him.
"Well, Banana and I have been hooking up actually. For about a month."
She stopped cold, glad that she was not touching him in that moment. "A month?"
"Yeah, about that. Anyways she texted me, this morning actually, to say she and Acrobat are in a relationship now so she can't hook up anymore. Which is sad, she was nice...uncomplicated."
She couldn't believe the dumb insults he was throwing at her. Her emotions were all over the place. She decided cold and calculating was the best way to go.
"So....you were fucking Banana while we were fucking?"
"NO! No, it was after. You weren't even speaking to me at the time." She didn't buy it. His timetable didn't match up with X and Banana. She suddenly realized he had sex with 4 different women this year alone. She had honestly dodged a bullet. She wondered if he planned on telling either girl that they were at risk for HPV.
She was pissed by the time he dropped her off, and basically became tight lipped about it when he asked. She wasn't about to let another drop spill that wasn't completely venomous. He saw her anger and said "I'm sorry, look, I only told you because I felt like I owed you...for like, everything. I didn't have to tell you." Luckily she saw SD walk into the building, made the excuse she had to talk to her, and left the car.
She got angrier and angrier as her elevator rose higher and higher. She fired off three rapid texts to KSL when she walked in her front door:
"So, just one thing...can you not like, be all 'I can't get one person to fuck me' when you are SWIMMING IN PUSSY? It's annoying. Clearly you can get it. You've literally slept with 3 fucking people since your ex. It hasn't even been a year. Just own it."
"And yeah, I'm upset, at the fact that I'm fabulous but literally everyone would rather fuck someone else. It's demoralizing. I'm fucking done. I ruined a mediocre marriage to be alone for the rest of my life. Like an idiot."
"Because THIS is what I get for being vulnerable. Opening up. I get shit on. Why bother? With fucking any of it."
He texted a simple "Stahp." She responded "I'm not saying anything that isn't true. You can't even deny that."
She stayed up all night, only getting a few hours of sleep, because she was furious. With everyone, but especially KSL
She texted him across the bar "Banana and Acrobat are fucking? Maybe?" He walked over to her and said he'd talk about it later.
She raised her eyebrow, but agreed they would talk later. She demanded that he drive her home about a half hour later and tell her the story.
They were walking to his car, and he asked how she was. "Drunk, since I didn't eat anything. Don't dawdle, tell me the story!" She looped her arm through his as they walked, meant it to be a friendly gesture. However, even in her drunken state she could feel him tense up. She pulled away, hurt that even a friendly gesture couldn't be taken as such by him.
"Well, Banana and I have been hooking up actually. For about a month."
She stopped cold, glad that she was not touching him in that moment. "A month?"
"Yeah, about that. Anyways she texted me, this morning actually, to say she and Acrobat are in a relationship now so she can't hook up anymore. Which is sad, she was nice...uncomplicated."
She couldn't believe the dumb insults he was throwing at her. Her emotions were all over the place. She decided cold and calculating was the best way to go.
"So....you were fucking Banana while we were fucking?"
"NO! No, it was after. You weren't even speaking to me at the time." She didn't buy it. His timetable didn't match up with X and Banana. She suddenly realized he had sex with 4 different women this year alone. She had honestly dodged a bullet. She wondered if he planned on telling either girl that they were at risk for HPV.
She was pissed by the time he dropped her off, and basically became tight lipped about it when he asked. She wasn't about to let another drop spill that wasn't completely venomous. He saw her anger and said "I'm sorry, look, I only told you because I felt like I owed you...for like, everything. I didn't have to tell you." Luckily she saw SD walk into the building, made the excuse she had to talk to her, and left the car.
She got angrier and angrier as her elevator rose higher and higher. She fired off three rapid texts to KSL when she walked in her front door:
"So, just one thing...can you not like, be all 'I can't get one person to fuck me' when you are SWIMMING IN PUSSY? It's annoying. Clearly you can get it. You've literally slept with 3 fucking people since your ex. It hasn't even been a year. Just own it."
"And yeah, I'm upset, at the fact that I'm fabulous but literally everyone would rather fuck someone else. It's demoralizing. I'm fucking done. I ruined a mediocre marriage to be alone for the rest of my life. Like an idiot."
"Because THIS is what I get for being vulnerable. Opening up. I get shit on. Why bother? With fucking any of it."
He texted a simple "Stahp." She responded "I'm not saying anything that isn't true. You can't even deny that."
She stayed up all night, only getting a few hours of sleep, because she was furious. With everyone, but especially KSL
Friday, August 19, 2016
Saturday Night Revisited
"Wait, you guys don't remember what you were doing before you kissed?" the one in the middle of said kiss, Banana, asked them.
"Oh my god, it was great. I can't believe you don't remember!" The tale that followed was one of sitcom level hilarity.
"I came back from getting my stuff out of the car, and sat in-between you guys. You were really angry at each other, yelling even. You were yelling about how you weren't attracted to each other. It was this hilarious 'I don't like you' 'Well I don't like you either' and so then Acrobat was like 'I'll prove it to you, I'm going to kiss you' and so you guys kissed over me, and Acrobat said 'See, I felt nothing' and YOU said 'If that's the case, then stay the fuck away from me' and it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen."
She felt her face flush with embarrassment. It was after the fact that she had assigned all these underlying emotions to it...in the moment, they were literally just fighting like a bunch of kindergartners. About their sexual attraction towards one another.
It would be shameful...if it wasn't so darn funny.
"Oh my god, it was great. I can't believe you don't remember!" The tale that followed was one of sitcom level hilarity.
"I came back from getting my stuff out of the car, and sat in-between you guys. You were really angry at each other, yelling even. You were yelling about how you weren't attracted to each other. It was this hilarious 'I don't like you' 'Well I don't like you either' and so then Acrobat was like 'I'll prove it to you, I'm going to kiss you' and so you guys kissed over me, and Acrobat said 'See, I felt nothing' and YOU said 'If that's the case, then stay the fuck away from me' and it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen."
She felt her face flush with embarrassment. It was after the fact that she had assigned all these underlying emotions to it...in the moment, they were literally just fighting like a bunch of kindergartners. About their sexual attraction towards one another.
It would be shameful...if it wasn't so darn funny.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
KSL's Mea Culpa
She had decided that she didn't want to see his face unless she had to. Meeting would only mean she would have to look him in the face again, remember how attractive he was, maybe make a mistake. Or maybe he would make a move and she wouldn't be able to resist. Or, he wouldn't make a move and break her heart. Meeting would solve nothing.
She messaged him, told him to give her stuff to Banana. She couldn't meet him, she'd made other plans. He said okay. She closed the chat window, and busied herself with plans with other people.
She was determined to build a life with other people, without him in it. She was doing a good job. For half a week, everything was her new normal. It was okay. Passionless, but okay.
She posted a status about a joke she and Dusky had shared on Facebook, harmless fun. 20 people liked it...and one of the first to do so was KSL.
His profile pic...the picture she had taken of him of their first show together...stared her in the face. He saw. He acknowledged. She had said horrible, mean things to him. He had said horrible, mean things to her. It should be over. Why was he suddenly, for the first time, liking her social media posts?
A couple of days later, she posted a photo on Instagram and shared it on Facebook with her and the boys from the show. They all liked giving her a lap dance at once, and they caught it one night. It was blurry, full of underwear at eye level with her face. It wasn't any big deal. KSL liked it.
He was the first person to like her new profile picture. He liked her photo of her time at the lake. A show she attended that night. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. This was pretty manipulative, even for him. She posted an update, lame and contrived about her calling it a night early. She waited. Minutes later, he liked the post. "God damn it." She said aloud in her apartment. What was he playing at? She decided to ignore it, like she hadn't noticed it. She stopped posting things altogether.
Two days later, he messaged her. "How was the closing weekend? Did you get your stuff back?" She responded mostly in kind. He thanked her for letting her borrow her stuff, and said: "It was kind of you to share some personal nostalgia with me."
"What else are friends for? Thanks for taking care of it for me."
He started typing. He kept typing for a long time.
"You *are* a friend to me. Truly. I know I haven't been a good friend to you. Hell, I haven't even been halfway decent. You go through enough shit without me unloading on you. What was the line? 'Vomiting all your shitty neuroses.' Yeah. You don't need me doing that, nor do you deserve it. Just because I sometimes feel a little safer talking to you about things doesn't me license to open the floodgates of douchebaggery. I ask your opinion, request your counsel. I need to respect what you give me in those times, and not lash out just because I may not agree with your interpretation or if I'm particularly stung by it. That's not what friends do. So, for what it's worth (which I'm sure isn't much), I'm sorry."
She took a shaky breath. She was glad he apologized, but she wasn't sure where it would go. She decided to at least keep her wall up, but say what she needed to say.
"I appreciate your apology. For what it's worth though, it's not really your unloading but your approach to unloading that comes off as accusatory towards me. If you need to just vent, I understand that, but when it comes off as attacking me, then you aren't really venting anymore, you are lashing out. And as of late I haven't been extended the same courtesy. I'm sure you don't really care about the specifics, but I do appreciate your apology."
He responded that he hadn't been fair to her at all. She asked, then what now?
"I feel I owe you a drink or seven and some hang-time. I need to make some time to meet with you."
He did owe her a drink or seven. She'd bought him so many drinks, comforted him in his time of need. Could she hold it together, stay strong? Could she even really forgive him and forge a friendship?
"When are you free?"
She messaged him, told him to give her stuff to Banana. She couldn't meet him, she'd made other plans. He said okay. She closed the chat window, and busied herself with plans with other people.
She was determined to build a life with other people, without him in it. She was doing a good job. For half a week, everything was her new normal. It was okay. Passionless, but okay.
She posted a status about a joke she and Dusky had shared on Facebook, harmless fun. 20 people liked it...and one of the first to do so was KSL.
His profile pic...the picture she had taken of him of their first show together...stared her in the face. He saw. He acknowledged. She had said horrible, mean things to him. He had said horrible, mean things to her. It should be over. Why was he suddenly, for the first time, liking her social media posts?
A couple of days later, she posted a photo on Instagram and shared it on Facebook with her and the boys from the show. They all liked giving her a lap dance at once, and they caught it one night. It was blurry, full of underwear at eye level with her face. It wasn't any big deal. KSL liked it.
He was the first person to like her new profile picture. He liked her photo of her time at the lake. A show she attended that night. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion. This was pretty manipulative, even for him. She posted an update, lame and contrived about her calling it a night early. She waited. Minutes later, he liked the post. "God damn it." She said aloud in her apartment. What was he playing at? She decided to ignore it, like she hadn't noticed it. She stopped posting things altogether.
Two days later, he messaged her. "How was the closing weekend? Did you get your stuff back?" She responded mostly in kind. He thanked her for letting her borrow her stuff, and said: "It was kind of you to share some personal nostalgia with me."
"What else are friends for? Thanks for taking care of it for me."
He started typing. He kept typing for a long time.
"You *are* a friend to me. Truly. I know I haven't been a good friend to you. Hell, I haven't even been halfway decent. You go through enough shit without me unloading on you. What was the line? 'Vomiting all your shitty neuroses.' Yeah. You don't need me doing that, nor do you deserve it. Just because I sometimes feel a little safer talking to you about things doesn't me license to open the floodgates of douchebaggery. I ask your opinion, request your counsel. I need to respect what you give me in those times, and not lash out just because I may not agree with your interpretation or if I'm particularly stung by it. That's not what friends do. So, for what it's worth (which I'm sure isn't much), I'm sorry."
She took a shaky breath. She was glad he apologized, but she wasn't sure where it would go. She decided to at least keep her wall up, but say what she needed to say.
"I appreciate your apology. For what it's worth though, it's not really your unloading but your approach to unloading that comes off as accusatory towards me. If you need to just vent, I understand that, but when it comes off as attacking me, then you aren't really venting anymore, you are lashing out. And as of late I haven't been extended the same courtesy. I'm sure you don't really care about the specifics, but I do appreciate your apology."
He responded that he hadn't been fair to her at all. She asked, then what now?
"I feel I owe you a drink or seven and some hang-time. I need to make some time to meet with you."
He did owe her a drink or seven. She'd bought him so many drinks, comforted him in his time of need. Could she hold it together, stay strong? Could she even really forgive him and forge a friendship?
"When are you free?"
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Coming Clean
"I think, now that it's over, I'm going to tell SD about KSL." She said to Dawn.
"That's a good idea...I think she knows something is up." Dawn replied. Guess that settles that.
---
"So....I know that you had an idea that something was up, and it's over now, so I wanted to...I wanted to tell you...KSL actually did end up having sex a few times."
The look of shock on SD's face was genuine, and she almost regretted having another person know. Clearly she had given her too much credit as to knowing something was up.
"Back....no, you need to back up. What happened?!?!"
"Well...it started the day I moved in." She said sheepishly.
"Oh, this is all starting to make so much more sense. This is all coming together in my head. What happened?" SD said.
She started the story at her move in day, when he had come and kissed her in the studio. SD didn't ask if there was anything leading up to it, and she didn't offer any of the pre-show information.
"We agreed there was this...disconnect of emotions between us. Though we were great friends, and the sexual attraction was there...the romantic wasn't. So, I'm a nerd and I typed up rules for us."
"Good for you!" SD exclaimed. She was being much more understanding than she could hope for.
The rest of the story came out. The tumultuous back and forth of the friendship, how he was in bed, and just how he could be in general. SD had known KSL for years, knew his patterns, and commended her for not falling into the "same trap" all his other girls had. When she told her about this latest sad girl, she shook her head and said "You see what kind of a person he is? He just...he knows what he's doing. He knows that he's hurting people."
"And he knows that I know too." She said. She pulled out her phone and showed her the last conversation they had. She had torn him apart, and their last message was one of formality. She had decided she didn't want to see him in order to get her stuff back, and to give it to a mutual friend, Banana, during the next Sunday movie day he had...the one she wasn't invited to because of his heinous roommate....if that was even the truth.
"I would still like to keep this vaulted for obvious reasons. No one needs to know that I banged the village bicycle like every other girl. Plus we have that whole fun HPV thing to contend with now. That's why I was so concerned with it."
"Oh shit, yeah!" SD remembered. "Don't worry pumpkin, I won't tell anyone, and I'm here for you."
It was a better outcome than she knew she deserved. She was lucky to have a friend like SD.
"That's a good idea...I think she knows something is up." Dawn replied. Guess that settles that.
---
"So....I know that you had an idea that something was up, and it's over now, so I wanted to...I wanted to tell you...KSL actually did end up having sex a few times."
The look of shock on SD's face was genuine, and she almost regretted having another person know. Clearly she had given her too much credit as to knowing something was up.
"Back....no, you need to back up. What happened?!?!"
"Well...it started the day I moved in." She said sheepishly.
"Oh, this is all starting to make so much more sense. This is all coming together in my head. What happened?" SD said.
She started the story at her move in day, when he had come and kissed her in the studio. SD didn't ask if there was anything leading up to it, and she didn't offer any of the pre-show information.
"We agreed there was this...disconnect of emotions between us. Though we were great friends, and the sexual attraction was there...the romantic wasn't. So, I'm a nerd and I typed up rules for us."
"Good for you!" SD exclaimed. She was being much more understanding than she could hope for.
The rest of the story came out. The tumultuous back and forth of the friendship, how he was in bed, and just how he could be in general. SD had known KSL for years, knew his patterns, and commended her for not falling into the "same trap" all his other girls had. When she told her about this latest sad girl, she shook her head and said "You see what kind of a person he is? He just...he knows what he's doing. He knows that he's hurting people."
"And he knows that I know too." She said. She pulled out her phone and showed her the last conversation they had. She had torn him apart, and their last message was one of formality. She had decided she didn't want to see him in order to get her stuff back, and to give it to a mutual friend, Banana, during the next Sunday movie day he had...the one she wasn't invited to because of his heinous roommate....if that was even the truth.
"I would still like to keep this vaulted for obvious reasons. No one needs to know that I banged the village bicycle like every other girl. Plus we have that whole fun HPV thing to contend with now. That's why I was so concerned with it."
"Oh shit, yeah!" SD remembered. "Don't worry pumpkin, I won't tell anyone, and I'm here for you."
It was a better outcome than she knew she deserved. She was lucky to have a friend like SD.
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