Monday, July 10, 2017


"So you think you have a yeast infection." The skeptical nurse practitioner stated rather than asked. 

"I do.  I just had my tonsils out and have felt pretty crappy down there ever since and I tried treating it myself several times but it's not going away."  She waited a moment, then said "And I wanted to get the HPV Vaccine while I was here, and have another round of STD tests."  She didn't say why, figuring this lady heard the story all the time.

"What kind of soap do you use?" She asked.  "Um, the sensitive kind?" 

"The body wash or the bar soap?"

"The body wash."

"The body wash is horse shit.  It's just the cosmetics companies selling you water instead of product.  Always use the bar soap.  Tell your partner to use it too, it's important for your intimate areas to be clean without harmful chemicals."

She didn't have the heart to tell the NP that she hadn't even seen his junk yet, and she thought it would be awful presumptuous to tell him what to do with it.  The NP was so forceful about her opinion she ended up promising her that she would buy the bar soap for her and her "boyfriend" just to shut her up.

The NP did her swabs and came back in with the results pretty quickly.

"You have a bacterial infection.  Have you heard of vaginosis?" The nurse practitioner asked her.

Her heart immediately went into her throat.  That sounded serious.  What had she caught?

Someone stepped in to talk to the doctor and she stopped her explanation.  She panicked further until she came back around and said it was a typical thing.  "Most people have it when they think they have a yeast infection.  I'm sure it's just from your weakened immunity from your surgery.  I'll call in a prescription for you."

"Now about your vaccine.  It's three shots, taken six months apart.  Your insurance won't cover it, and it's $120 a shot.  Do you want to do one today?"

It was so much money, but she nodded yes anyway.  $300 for no cervical cancer and a piece of mind about not having it was worth it.

"Okay, so we will take you back out into the waiting room and get you all paid up, then take you back again for the shot.  Then we'll send you over to the lab for the rest of your requested blood work."

She got anxious again.  She was already going to be late for work.  "Listen, I didn't pack a lunch.  Can I make an appointment to do these things later?"

After work she made her way to the pharmacy to pick up her prescriptions.  The pharmacist was new, and young.  He stammered when he was talking about her prescriptions and in what order she should be taking them.

"And, lowers the potency of certain other medications you are taking.  So, if you are taking any form of birth control, you might want to um...double up?  Use a condom--use two forms.  Of birth control.  Just for this 7 day course of treatment."

She tried to interrupt, again, to no avail.  It seems everyone thought she was further along in her flirtationship than she actually was.  She had no idea when she would even see Nameless again.

"Okay, thanks" she said halfheartedly, taking her medication and heading for the exit.  In a couple of weeks she would no longer have an excuse not to have sex with him.  She wondered what she would do then.

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