Piz followed her closely and went to check out her view. She stood by the couch and took off her sweater. She went to take a step towards him and realized that was what she had done the last time. She only had to wait a few seconds before he turned around and walked to her.
After the disappointing night with Mel, she appreciated how much he took his time just kissing her, touching her, not just ripping her clothes off. His touch continued to be addictive, and she was lost in it.
The sex was fantastic, as usual...but there was something missing. It was like having one of the greatest hamburgers of her life, but someone had forgotten the ketchup. Though he lavished her with attention, it no longer held the emotional impact it once did. He said he wanted to make her orgasm, but wasn't doing the things he needed to do for her to get there. She didn't return the favor, seeing as how she was sure he had unprotected sex with his ex and she was having sex with him.
4 condoms and half the night later, they were spent. He pulled her under the covers and snuggled up to her. The way he held her was still unparalleled. She felt good, safe. He must be uncomfortable but still he held her to him.
At some point during the night she got up to get some water, came back and he didn't immediately reach out for her. She realized with some finality that this was it. Even though he was giving her forehead kisses in his sleep, waking up to make out with her, and looking deep into her eyes before wishing her sweet dreams...it meant nothing.
They woke up early due to the sunrise streaming into her high rise, illuminating the few boxes she had scattered around her space. He kissed her good morning and put his hand lovingly on her face, then through her hair. "Was your hair this long when we were together? It's so great."
Though it was early, they easily launched into a serious discussion about the friend situation waiting for him back home. His friend was going through a really rough time and having a drinking problem, as was his other friend/future roommate.
"Maybe you guys need to do a dry summer. Or get a hobby. Something to look forward to." She advised. He agreed that a break from drinking would be good, considering he felt like he had a small hangover from his 4 drinks last night.
He went to take a shower, and she remembered that she had been texting KSL about the whole ordeal. She grabbed her phone and read the last few messages they'd exchanged.
"Look up 'skin hunger.' It's a thing. Perhaps it's been too long since you've fed your body."
It had been just a few days shy of a year and five months since she'd last had sex. She guessed that played into it, along with booze last night.
Although it was 7 in the morning, she texted him again. "I can't get attached to any of it. I know he isn't interested in anything, he's leaving in 3 weeks. I can't connect. It's just...there."
"Well yeah, that's why being a demisexual sucks." he texted back.
Piz got out of the shower and said he should go to the university to work on this paper a little bit. He gave her a hug and asked if she had fun last night. The question hit her as absurd and she stuttered a bit, saying "yeah, but...I mean...you are leaving in 3 weeks." He seemed a little hurt and upset, and she couldn't quite read his emotions. She told him it was fine, she just needed to sort stuff out in her head. She offered up her apartment a couple of times a week for him to have a place to sleep. His eyebrows went up and she said "Not for sex, you used up all my condoms last night anyway, just in general."
"I would just feel like I'm imposing Penny, I don't know."
"If you were bugging me you'd be gone. You know that right?"
"Okay...I'll think about it."
And she would be sure to overthink about it all.
Friday, May 4, 2018
Tuesday, May 1, 2018
Rekindling
It had been a bear of a week, and she took off work early and texted Piz, wondering if he was in town and wanted to grab a drink.
He was in the library at the university writing a paper, and asked her if they could meet up in an hour. She said sure and headed home. As she walked in the door she got a call from Piz saying he couldn't concentrate any more. When he walked through the door, he was smelly and looked very tired. He'd been at school working tirelessly and had moved into a trailer with his dad for the last few weeks of school. "Do you need a shower?" She asked, half joking. "Yeah, and maybe I could crash on your couch tonight."
They had trouble deciding what they wanted to do, so he headed over to her apartment where they talked for awhile before deciding on the local bar at the base of her building for the cheap drinks and apps.
She talked about how her grapefruit beer and avocado fries combo was a favorite of her and 21's, but with him being in England she never got to get it. When they were out last week they had an amazing conversation where she called him a coward and he told her she never took any risks. They survived that, and it was so nice to be with him again. After a few more stories and a second beer for him, they decided to go to the Speakeasy they had attempted to go to a couple of weeks ago.
They were a little disappointed that they didn't ask for the password, they just walked right in. Piz mentioned the password to the bartender, as it was a drink he had quite a bit when he was stationed in Brasil for awhile. The bartender was obsessed with flavor profiles, and pointed out that they had meatballs for customers as well by the bar. They each had a couple and agreed they were great, although the drinks were so strong that she could barely taste them anyway.
The BBQ meatball seemed to invigorate him, and he perked up for the first time all night. She couldn't help but keep smiling at him, he was such an adorable child when things made him happy, it was infectious.
He noticed her smiling and asked "What?"
Her smile lowered a little bit, and she said "I'm just going to miss you when you leave. I know you won't be coming back."
He looked at her, and she held his gaze. "You were just an important part of my life, and now it's over."
"I know I've said this before, but your eyes are so pretty. I could stare into them forever."
She melted. The spark was still there between them. She wasn't sure if it had always been that way or not.
They walked across the skyway back to her apartment. She grabbed for his hand to lead him inside, and they stopped by the saunas for a minute and talked about going in but couldn't reach a decision.
"I don't know Penny...what do you want to do?"
She looked him, and said "I want to go upstairs. What do you want to do?"
He searched her eyes, then leaned down to kiss her before answering.
"I want to fuck your brains out."
He was in the library at the university writing a paper, and asked her if they could meet up in an hour. She said sure and headed home. As she walked in the door she got a call from Piz saying he couldn't concentrate any more. When he walked through the door, he was smelly and looked very tired. He'd been at school working tirelessly and had moved into a trailer with his dad for the last few weeks of school. "Do you need a shower?" She asked, half joking. "Yeah, and maybe I could crash on your couch tonight."
They had trouble deciding what they wanted to do, so he headed over to her apartment where they talked for awhile before deciding on the local bar at the base of her building for the cheap drinks and apps.
She talked about how her grapefruit beer and avocado fries combo was a favorite of her and 21's, but with him being in England she never got to get it. When they were out last week they had an amazing conversation where she called him a coward and he told her she never took any risks. They survived that, and it was so nice to be with him again. After a few more stories and a second beer for him, they decided to go to the Speakeasy they had attempted to go to a couple of weeks ago.
They were a little disappointed that they didn't ask for the password, they just walked right in. Piz mentioned the password to the bartender, as it was a drink he had quite a bit when he was stationed in Brasil for awhile. The bartender was obsessed with flavor profiles, and pointed out that they had meatballs for customers as well by the bar. They each had a couple and agreed they were great, although the drinks were so strong that she could barely taste them anyway.
The BBQ meatball seemed to invigorate him, and he perked up for the first time all night. She couldn't help but keep smiling at him, he was such an adorable child when things made him happy, it was infectious.
He noticed her smiling and asked "What?"
Her smile lowered a little bit, and she said "I'm just going to miss you when you leave. I know you won't be coming back."
He looked at her, and she held his gaze. "You were just an important part of my life, and now it's over."
"I know I've said this before, but your eyes are so pretty. I could stare into them forever."
She melted. The spark was still there between them. She wasn't sure if it had always been that way or not.
They walked across the skyway back to her apartment. She grabbed for his hand to lead him inside, and they stopped by the saunas for a minute and talked about going in but couldn't reach a decision.
"I don't know Penny...what do you want to do?"
She looked him, and said "I want to go upstairs. What do you want to do?"
He searched her eyes, then leaned down to kiss her before answering.
"I want to fuck your brains out."
Tuesday, April 24, 2018
Girl's Trip
They had to be up at 4am to make their flight.
Strike 1.
The sun rose as their plane made their decent into the city. She tried to keep up with conversation, the energy and excitement of the trip.
They got into town and she ordered a Rideshare, who promptly called her and asked how many people she had, and said he couldn't accommodate her and she needed to cancel the ride. The other girls yelled at her as soon as she had told them about it, like the guy had been her fault.
Strike 2.
They got to the hotel, that was of course not ready to check them in yet. They spent time in the lobby talking about nothing for what seemed like hours. Her introvert battery was quickly drained.
They decided to go to brunch early, and she decided to see how far she could walk before Mo came to pick her up at noon. According to her Fitbit, about 17,000 steps later, Mo came to pick her up with his wife and baby, and they headed to their favorite sushi restaurant.
It was the first time meeting his baby, and he reached out for her immediately, which made her feel good. She needed to make time to go down and visit him, maybe later on in the summertime.
They met up with other friends and had an amazing time eating. Back at the hotel, the girls had gotten drunk at brunch, and all started to text her that they wanted pizza. She had just gorged herself on sushi and didn't appreciate that they all started to gang up on her, texting five or six times in a row. She made a decision to ignore their texts, because otherwise she would end up back at the hotel in a rage.
They were drunk and cranky when she got back, and she left an hour later to go out drinking with Mo. They laughed, talked, bar hopped, and had a great time. She missed him so much, and when his wife asked if the schools were better in her town, she said yes without even knowing if they were. It would be amazing if they moved to where she lived.
Things were getting a little better with him and his wife, and she was glad they seemed to be working things out. She talked to him about her relationship woes, and they commiserated with more cocktails.
She didn't get to see him the rest of the weekend, and spent much of it on her own exploring her old haunts. The girls got more and more drunk and belligerent as the weekend wore on, and it was testing her nerves.
Goldie got upset that her PJs had gone missing, but the maids had been in and made the beds, and must have put it with all the other clothes that were lying on the other bed. When she suggested this she was berated again by the girls for how stupid of an idea that was.
Strike 3. She was done.
Goldie got upset that she wasn't helping them look. "They are lost forever." She stated coldly. Later they of course found it in the exact place they had told them to look. They responded by calling her sensitive...because that's the best way to make a sensitive person feel better, to call attention to their sensitivity.
The entire rest of the trip she became cold and unresponsive, just waiting for it all to be over.
Strike 1.
The sun rose as their plane made their decent into the city. She tried to keep up with conversation, the energy and excitement of the trip.
They got into town and she ordered a Rideshare, who promptly called her and asked how many people she had, and said he couldn't accommodate her and she needed to cancel the ride. The other girls yelled at her as soon as she had told them about it, like the guy had been her fault.
Strike 2.
They got to the hotel, that was of course not ready to check them in yet. They spent time in the lobby talking about nothing for what seemed like hours. Her introvert battery was quickly drained.
They decided to go to brunch early, and she decided to see how far she could walk before Mo came to pick her up at noon. According to her Fitbit, about 17,000 steps later, Mo came to pick her up with his wife and baby, and they headed to their favorite sushi restaurant.
It was the first time meeting his baby, and he reached out for her immediately, which made her feel good. She needed to make time to go down and visit him, maybe later on in the summertime.
They met up with other friends and had an amazing time eating. Back at the hotel, the girls had gotten drunk at brunch, and all started to text her that they wanted pizza. She had just gorged herself on sushi and didn't appreciate that they all started to gang up on her, texting five or six times in a row. She made a decision to ignore their texts, because otherwise she would end up back at the hotel in a rage.
They were drunk and cranky when she got back, and she left an hour later to go out drinking with Mo. They laughed, talked, bar hopped, and had a great time. She missed him so much, and when his wife asked if the schools were better in her town, she said yes without even knowing if they were. It would be amazing if they moved to where she lived.
Things were getting a little better with him and his wife, and she was glad they seemed to be working things out. She talked to him about her relationship woes, and they commiserated with more cocktails.
She didn't get to see him the rest of the weekend, and spent much of it on her own exploring her old haunts. The girls got more and more drunk and belligerent as the weekend wore on, and it was testing her nerves.
Goldie got upset that her PJs had gone missing, but the maids had been in and made the beds, and must have put it with all the other clothes that were lying on the other bed. When she suggested this she was berated again by the girls for how stupid of an idea that was.
Strike 3. She was done.
Goldie got upset that she wasn't helping them look. "They are lost forever." She stated coldly. Later they of course found it in the exact place they had told them to look. They responded by calling her sensitive...because that's the best way to make a sensitive person feel better, to call attention to their sensitivity.
The entire rest of the trip she became cold and unresponsive, just waiting for it all to be over.
Monday, April 9, 2018
Another Bow
The honesty and straightforward conversation between her and Piz had been refreshing. He was fast becoming the person she most preferred to talk to. It was so easy, and while he was still with his girlfriend, still safe.
They'd hung out a few times without issue, having great conversation about what the future held for them. He was kicking around the idea of going on in his schooling and getting a second Masters, but then would still be living with his horrible girlfriend.
They met up one night with plans that just continued to go wrong for them, and ended up at the bar at the base of her building after dinner.
She dropped their conversation rudely when she realized the bar had a giant blind sheepdog hanging around. After she was done playing with the dog, they took a couple of seats at the bar and ordered their cocktails.
"So, I graduate in May...and I've decided to move back to where I'm originally from. I'm gonna move in with my two best friends again, back to the couch again for now and we are going to find a three bedroom house for all of us while I figure things out."
Damn, another one bites the dust. She was going to have to go back on the dating scene again, she felt like she was losing them all over the place.
"Have you told your girlfriend yet?"
"....No. She's going to get so pissed off, it's going to be a huge mess." She scowled at him.
"Of course it is, she believes that you love her but you are not only going to break up with her, but move out of the state. That's going to be a lot to deal with at once."
"She's going to yell at me that I didn't tell her that I didn't actually apply for the Masters program. The application deadline was in February."
"Well, she'll be right. You didn't tell her. You need to start owning up to your own cowardice. We never like to admit that we did the wrong things, but we have to admit it, own up to it. If you can have sex with the person, then you should be able to talk about anything and everything. You and I can."
She admitted she was going to miss him and the friendship they had managed to form despite everything. He admitted that she was one of the only people he could talk to this about, his dad and his friends had little experience or sympathy. She said she'd always be there for him.
A few days later he said he'd broken up with his girlfriend. She had lost her mind at first but then calmed down the next day, and everything seemed to be fine.
"I want to see you at least a few more times before I leave" He said. She said that would be nice, though considerably more dangerous now.
They'd hung out a few times without issue, having great conversation about what the future held for them. He was kicking around the idea of going on in his schooling and getting a second Masters, but then would still be living with his horrible girlfriend.
They met up one night with plans that just continued to go wrong for them, and ended up at the bar at the base of her building after dinner.
She dropped their conversation rudely when she realized the bar had a giant blind sheepdog hanging around. After she was done playing with the dog, they took a couple of seats at the bar and ordered their cocktails.
"So, I graduate in May...and I've decided to move back to where I'm originally from. I'm gonna move in with my two best friends again, back to the couch again for now and we are going to find a three bedroom house for all of us while I figure things out."
Damn, another one bites the dust. She was going to have to go back on the dating scene again, she felt like she was losing them all over the place.
"Have you told your girlfriend yet?"
"....No. She's going to get so pissed off, it's going to be a huge mess." She scowled at him.
"Of course it is, she believes that you love her but you are not only going to break up with her, but move out of the state. That's going to be a lot to deal with at once."
"She's going to yell at me that I didn't tell her that I didn't actually apply for the Masters program. The application deadline was in February."
"Well, she'll be right. You didn't tell her. You need to start owning up to your own cowardice. We never like to admit that we did the wrong things, but we have to admit it, own up to it. If you can have sex with the person, then you should be able to talk about anything and everything. You and I can."
She admitted she was going to miss him and the friendship they had managed to form despite everything. He admitted that she was one of the only people he could talk to this about, his dad and his friends had little experience or sympathy. She said she'd always be there for him.
A few days later he said he'd broken up with his girlfriend. She had lost her mind at first but then calmed down the next day, and everything seemed to be fine.
"I want to see you at least a few more times before I leave" He said. She said that would be nice, though considerably more dangerous now.
Friday, March 30, 2018
Questions? Comments? Concerns?
"Oh, you've got stuff written down, like on actual paper? By all means, go ahead!" KSL said jovially as he busied himself in the kitchen.
She pulled out her two pieces of paper, the third copy of each one. She had thought of things, written and rewritten each one. One was business, the other was emotional. She hadn't realized she'd set it up that way until days afterward.
There were a few questions from both that made her nervous to ask, but she forged ahead anyway. She guessed that it helped the conversation with her head in her notes and his in the cooking.
"I wanted to start with a warning. I *will* be cranky about stupid every day things for a bit while I adjust back to real life. I have literally been living in a tower where I can walk to my job that I love. I haven't really had to worry about everyday things like traffic and parking in a long time. You need to be patient with me."
"And because everyone has been telling me lately that I'm negative and only see the bad side, I'm going to start with the positives list I've made." He seemed amused by the fact that most of her positives were the fact that she wasn't going to be his old roommate. He laughed at her point that if he was ever feeling down she would put googly eyes on everything in the fridge. His laugh made her stop on the rest of the list. There were invisible lines she didn't want to cross. If they were going to make this work she had to watch that any action she took wasn't taken as a relationship action.
As soon as the idea of living together came up, they had been apologetic to one another more than usual. Supportive even. It had also felt honest, and nice.
"I know you are stressed and this is a terrible situation...but living with KSL with boundries?!?!? Oh man. That would be a non-stop back and forth pseudo relationship don't you think?" Dawn had retorted to her over text one day.
She'd responded "I know it's silly, especially for a cynic like me, to think this will have a positive outcome. But I'm trying to be outside of my comfort zone in order to find happiness. I spent so much of my life closed off from every experience. It might suck, but it will be a life experience that I'll grow from no matter how it plays out. And I honestly do have a feeling it will be okay."
She went to the other list with KSL, asking about quirks of the current apartment, then got to another nerve-inducing question.
"Are you...well do you want to--"
"Use your words"
She scowled, hating when he said that. She knew it was a joke, meant to be lighthearted...but it felt too much like the passive aggressive things that came out of her mother's mouth anytime she spoke.
"Do you want to stay here? In this apartment?"
As it turned out, he wasn't quite married to the place after all. Moving would be annoying for sure, but he wasn't completely opposed to the idea. Emotionally, she felt like a fresh place would at least feel like both of theirs, instead of her moving onto his turf that he would already feel was his. She'd always feel a bit like an outsider. He had shown her his current roommates tiny room, and she suddenly remembered the claustrophobia she'd never had to feel 20 stories up in her high ceiling mirrored wall studio.
They talked about their space quirks. He wanted to be free to host his movies nights, which of course she didn't have a problem with. He also didn't have a problem with her project with Dusky. He even joked about being a part of it.
"You know people are going to talk." KSL stated.
"You know that I don't care what people think. But I think we also need to be careful. We have lots of mutual friends. I think that it's important that we don't bitch about each other in public. I think we've reached a point where we can be honest with each other. If we have a problem, we come to the other one first. You know I'm more upset if you aren't just honest with me in the first place."
He agreed, and for the first time in the conversation she relaxed. That had been her dealbreaker. If he hadn't agreed, if he had hesitated just a moment...she would have found another overpriced one bedroom and not looked back.
She was glad to be a little more settled towards a future. She was going to live with KSL for a year, save up as much money as possible, and then look for a house to buy. She'd be ready to be alone by then...at least she thought.
She pulled out her two pieces of paper, the third copy of each one. She had thought of things, written and rewritten each one. One was business, the other was emotional. She hadn't realized she'd set it up that way until days afterward.
There were a few questions from both that made her nervous to ask, but she forged ahead anyway. She guessed that it helped the conversation with her head in her notes and his in the cooking.
"I wanted to start with a warning. I *will* be cranky about stupid every day things for a bit while I adjust back to real life. I have literally been living in a tower where I can walk to my job that I love. I haven't really had to worry about everyday things like traffic and parking in a long time. You need to be patient with me."
"And because everyone has been telling me lately that I'm negative and only see the bad side, I'm going to start with the positives list I've made." He seemed amused by the fact that most of her positives were the fact that she wasn't going to be his old roommate. He laughed at her point that if he was ever feeling down she would put googly eyes on everything in the fridge. His laugh made her stop on the rest of the list. There were invisible lines she didn't want to cross. If they were going to make this work she had to watch that any action she took wasn't taken as a relationship action.
As soon as the idea of living together came up, they had been apologetic to one another more than usual. Supportive even. It had also felt honest, and nice.
"I know you are stressed and this is a terrible situation...but living with KSL with boundries?!?!? Oh man. That would be a non-stop back and forth pseudo relationship don't you think?" Dawn had retorted to her over text one day.
She'd responded "I know it's silly, especially for a cynic like me, to think this will have a positive outcome. But I'm trying to be outside of my comfort zone in order to find happiness. I spent so much of my life closed off from every experience. It might suck, but it will be a life experience that I'll grow from no matter how it plays out. And I honestly do have a feeling it will be okay."
She went to the other list with KSL, asking about quirks of the current apartment, then got to another nerve-inducing question.
"Are you...well do you want to--"
"Use your words"
She scowled, hating when he said that. She knew it was a joke, meant to be lighthearted...but it felt too much like the passive aggressive things that came out of her mother's mouth anytime she spoke.
"Do you want to stay here? In this apartment?"
As it turned out, he wasn't quite married to the place after all. Moving would be annoying for sure, but he wasn't completely opposed to the idea. Emotionally, she felt like a fresh place would at least feel like both of theirs, instead of her moving onto his turf that he would already feel was his. She'd always feel a bit like an outsider. He had shown her his current roommates tiny room, and she suddenly remembered the claustrophobia she'd never had to feel 20 stories up in her high ceiling mirrored wall studio.
They talked about their space quirks. He wanted to be free to host his movies nights, which of course she didn't have a problem with. He also didn't have a problem with her project with Dusky. He even joked about being a part of it.
"You know people are going to talk." KSL stated.
"You know that I don't care what people think. But I think we also need to be careful. We have lots of mutual friends. I think that it's important that we don't bitch about each other in public. I think we've reached a point where we can be honest with each other. If we have a problem, we come to the other one first. You know I'm more upset if you aren't just honest with me in the first place."
He agreed, and for the first time in the conversation she relaxed. That had been her dealbreaker. If he hadn't agreed, if he had hesitated just a moment...she would have found another overpriced one bedroom and not looked back.
She was glad to be a little more settled towards a future. She was going to live with KSL for a year, save up as much money as possible, and then look for a house to buy. She'd be ready to be alone by then...at least she thought.
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
So Long, Farewell
"How was your test?"
"Busy busy dude. I don't know how you do it, I'd go crazy."
4 hours away. There would be no reason for him to come back to visit, he had no family or actual friends here.
"So full time metropolitan life huh?"
She couldn't judge his mood, so she asked him how he was feeling about it.
"Well I'll miss our quarterly outings! We will have to have a goodbye drink before you go."
She smirked. She wonder if she was insinuating what she was thinking...if they weren't going to see each other again, maybe this was their last chance.
A lot of doors were closing on her lately. These last two years were going to exist in a such strange time capsule in her mind.
Might as well have fun while it lasts, right?
"Postponed. Got two more projects I'm working on."
"Busy busy dude. I don't know how you do it, I'd go crazy."
"Well the traveling is going to change soon. My boss told me that I will be coming back to the city by the end of August."
4 hours away. There would be no reason for him to come back to visit, he had no family or actual friends here.
"So full time metropolitan life huh?"
"Yep. I guess the company is no longer interested is having someone permanently stationed up here."
She couldn't judge his mood, so she asked him how he was feeling about it.
"I am okay with it. I really liked it up here and if I could find a place that did similar research (and as good as pay) I would jump ship. But I like my work and the other city isn't bad."
"Well I'll miss our quarterly outings! We will have to have a goodbye drink before you go."
"Maybe a couple of drinks."
She smirked. She wonder if she was insinuating what she was thinking...if they weren't going to see each other again, maybe this was their last chance.
A lot of doors were closing on her lately. These last two years were going to exist in a such strange time capsule in her mind.
Might as well have fun while it lasts, right?
Monday, March 26, 2018
Breaking the News
It didn't occur to her until later, but she realized suddenly one day that she needed to tell her ex about the roommate situation before he found out from someone else.
"I'm still not 100% sure where I will end up at this point, but KSL needs a roommate around that time and it would save me $400 a month to do that, so that's what I might end up doing. Then I could save up for a year and then buy a house.
I know you were worried about him when separated, and I didn't want you to hear that I was moving in with him from someone else and assume it was anything other than a roommate situation. I didn't want you to be surprised and hurt, I wanted you to hear it from me."
"I appreciate that."
Her heart sank. She hated that she was hurting him...why did she still feel this way, still feel like she continued to rip a band-aid off that kept reappearing?
"Are you okay?" She felt compelled to text.
"I'll be alright."
Even though she thought she'd cried herself out, fresh tears started to form. "I'm sorry. After paying so much for the studio the past two years I really need to save money. I was going to roomie up with Banana but this date came up so fast she's not ready to move out, she's still between jobs."
"I understand, and you don't owe me an explanation. I appreciate that you told me though."
"I feel like I do. I know it doesn't seem like it but that last thing I want to do is hurt you."
"Thanks."
"I'm still not 100% sure where I will end up at this point, but KSL needs a roommate around that time and it would save me $400 a month to do that, so that's what I might end up doing. Then I could save up for a year and then buy a house.
I know you were worried about him when separated, and I didn't want you to hear that I was moving in with him from someone else and assume it was anything other than a roommate situation. I didn't want you to be surprised and hurt, I wanted you to hear it from me."
"I appreciate that."
Her heart sank. She hated that she was hurting him...why did she still feel this way, still feel like she continued to rip a band-aid off that kept reappearing?
"Are you okay?" She felt compelled to text.
"I'll be alright."
Even though she thought she'd cried herself out, fresh tears started to form. "I'm sorry. After paying so much for the studio the past two years I really need to save money. I was going to roomie up with Banana but this date came up so fast she's not ready to move out, she's still between jobs."
"I understand, and you don't owe me an explanation. I appreciate that you told me though."
"I feel like I do. I know it doesn't seem like it but that last thing I want to do is hurt you."
"Thanks."
Friday, March 23, 2018
The Search Begins
She was going to have a talk with KSL about a potential roommate situation later. Until she could meet with him, she went into overdrive looking for one-bedrooms.
Goldie and SD kept sending her links to units in their building. They were all more money than she was paying, and when she went to see them...they looked their age. It was a 50 year old building and it was fast becoming apparent that her unit was the most updated. She secretly thanked her lucky stars that she'd found the only hardwood floor-Ikea-ed out kitchen in the entire building with a dishwasher.
She had let in three different potential investors and given them the grand 20 second tour. A couple of them had hinted that they might buy the place and let her stay, but she needed to be prepared and couldn't rely on empty promises.
Mel was trying to get her to move into a piece of shit place by herself, tried to convince her that she didn't need things that she found to be essential. Maybe he was just too young to realize that when you get to be a certain age, you don't have to compromise anymore...at least not about the things that really matter to you. Mel managed to pressure her with all this while at the same time almost completely disappearing from her life. Being as they shared the acts of service and quality time love languages, she took this as a complete abandonment and let her heart drift out to sea.
Dishwashers mattered to her. A washer and dryer in unit would be nice, but she could potentially live without it. It had to be under a certain amount of money or she wouldn't be able to eat. She didn't want to live out in the sticks and have a million hour commute. She could save a bunch of money if she had a roommate.
Her mind screamed no, that it was quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas that she become roommates with KSL. They would kill each other. It would be volatile, an emotional minefield of awful.
She started writing down concerns, questions about the apartment. Her mind kept going and she started a new page. She re-wrote. Then she heard a few voices in her head of people who had told her she was negative, a defeatist. She started a new page of positives about having a roommate, having her as a roommate. She figured that he would know what his good qualities of being a roommate would be.
She was ready to have the talk. There were a few things on her list that she knew if he didn't agree to, that it couldn't work. She at least felt more calm now that all her options had been laid out in front of her.
The crying had finally subsided.
Goldie and SD kept sending her links to units in their building. They were all more money than she was paying, and when she went to see them...they looked their age. It was a 50 year old building and it was fast becoming apparent that her unit was the most updated. She secretly thanked her lucky stars that she'd found the only hardwood floor-Ikea-ed out kitchen in the entire building with a dishwasher.
She had let in three different potential investors and given them the grand 20 second tour. A couple of them had hinted that they might buy the place and let her stay, but she needed to be prepared and couldn't rely on empty promises.
Mel was trying to get her to move into a piece of shit place by herself, tried to convince her that she didn't need things that she found to be essential. Maybe he was just too young to realize that when you get to be a certain age, you don't have to compromise anymore...at least not about the things that really matter to you. Mel managed to pressure her with all this while at the same time almost completely disappearing from her life. Being as they shared the acts of service and quality time love languages, she took this as a complete abandonment and let her heart drift out to sea.
Dishwashers mattered to her. A washer and dryer in unit would be nice, but she could potentially live without it. It had to be under a certain amount of money or she wouldn't be able to eat. She didn't want to live out in the sticks and have a million hour commute. She could save a bunch of money if she had a roommate.
Her mind screamed no, that it was quite possibly the worst idea in the history of ideas that she become roommates with KSL. They would kill each other. It would be volatile, an emotional minefield of awful.
She started writing down concerns, questions about the apartment. Her mind kept going and she started a new page. She re-wrote. Then she heard a few voices in her head of people who had told her she was negative, a defeatist. She started a new page of positives about having a roommate, having her as a roommate. She figured that he would know what his good qualities of being a roommate would be.
She was ready to have the talk. There were a few things on her list that she knew if he didn't agree to, that it couldn't work. She at least felt more calm now that all her options had been laid out in front of her.
The crying had finally subsided.
Thursday, March 15, 2018
Genenna
Genenna- a place or state of misery; hell.
She was avoiding messaging her landlady. She knew her lease was up at the end of April, and the front desk guard had told her the owners had just been slapped with a huge fee for something silly.
She figured maybe if she waited...she didn't know. She signed up for a new app that sent her updates of free apartments.
One day she received the text. Her landlady was going to sell the apartment. She asked for at least 2 months notice of her having to move out, she acquiesced.
Her mind went into overdrive. She researched apartments, signed up for alerts...and that night she went out to dinner with Mel. She apologized for fixating, and he said it was fine. She mentioned that one possibility, that she didn't want to really think about right now, was that KSL needed a roommate in June. Mel recalled his days being a roommate with KSL, and advised strongly against it. She said that with KSL she would at least know what she was getting into, she knew him.
Mel said that he would offer to move with her, but "that's a little too relationship stuff."
Internally she rolled her eyes. God forbid she was awesome enough to want to have "relationship stuff" with. She decided to shake it off, since he was the least of her worries at this moment.
Then, days later...she got her two months notice. She needed to be out by May 15th, and there were three realtors coming by that weekend to look at the apartment. The tearful phone call came right in the middle of the wrap party for the movie. She tried to pull it together, but the text messages from the investors came rolling in right after. She just tried to keep it together as well as possible. She spoke briefly with KSL over the phone about having a talk about being roommates. He was going through his own thing and she deliberately tried to keep the emotion out of her voice as she spoke to him.
Mel showed up soon afterward, but he was spooked because an old girlfriend who had once slashed his tires was there. He said he didn't feel comfortable with her there, and left soon afterward despite the fact that she said she wasn't feeling well and needed a ride home. He texted with her a little later vaguely threatening that if she moved in with KSL that he wouldn't see her anymore.
Good Riddance.
She got back to the apartment and realized that she was going to be up for hours trying to clean the apartment for the first realtor the next morning.
She got as far as her front hallway and started sobbing. She was not ready to say goodbye to this space. She was set free here. She realized that sex was enjoyable in this space, fell in love, and had so many drunk late nights with friends. She was not going to see Goldie and SD as often.
What if she had to go back? What if she ended up having no choice and moving back in with her mom, and her ex who still lived there? She was suddenly back there, that moment before she moved into her studio and was so desperate to have a different life, to be set free.
She felt as if she was going to lose her freedom again. It felt terrible.
"This place saved me. This apartment, you, saved me. I'm not ready to let go" She tearfully sobbed to Goldie.
She would figured it out eventually....but for the next three days she couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop mourning the potential loss. And she did it alone.
She was avoiding messaging her landlady. She knew her lease was up at the end of April, and the front desk guard had told her the owners had just been slapped with a huge fee for something silly.
She figured maybe if she waited...she didn't know. She signed up for a new app that sent her updates of free apartments.
One day she received the text. Her landlady was going to sell the apartment. She asked for at least 2 months notice of her having to move out, she acquiesced.
Her mind went into overdrive. She researched apartments, signed up for alerts...and that night she went out to dinner with Mel. She apologized for fixating, and he said it was fine. She mentioned that one possibility, that she didn't want to really think about right now, was that KSL needed a roommate in June. Mel recalled his days being a roommate with KSL, and advised strongly against it. She said that with KSL she would at least know what she was getting into, she knew him.
Mel said that he would offer to move with her, but "that's a little too relationship stuff."
Internally she rolled her eyes. God forbid she was awesome enough to want to have "relationship stuff" with. She decided to shake it off, since he was the least of her worries at this moment.
Then, days later...she got her two months notice. She needed to be out by May 15th, and there were three realtors coming by that weekend to look at the apartment. The tearful phone call came right in the middle of the wrap party for the movie. She tried to pull it together, but the text messages from the investors came rolling in right after. She just tried to keep it together as well as possible. She spoke briefly with KSL over the phone about having a talk about being roommates. He was going through his own thing and she deliberately tried to keep the emotion out of her voice as she spoke to him.
Mel showed up soon afterward, but he was spooked because an old girlfriend who had once slashed his tires was there. He said he didn't feel comfortable with her there, and left soon afterward despite the fact that she said she wasn't feeling well and needed a ride home. He texted with her a little later vaguely threatening that if she moved in with KSL that he wouldn't see her anymore.
Good Riddance.
She got back to the apartment and realized that she was going to be up for hours trying to clean the apartment for the first realtor the next morning.
She got as far as her front hallway and started sobbing. She was not ready to say goodbye to this space. She was set free here. She realized that sex was enjoyable in this space, fell in love, and had so many drunk late nights with friends. She was not going to see Goldie and SD as often.
What if she had to go back? What if she ended up having no choice and moving back in with her mom, and her ex who still lived there? She was suddenly back there, that moment before she moved into her studio and was so desperate to have a different life, to be set free.
She felt as if she was going to lose her freedom again. It felt terrible.
"This place saved me. This apartment, you, saved me. I'm not ready to let go" She tearfully sobbed to Goldie.
She would figured it out eventually....but for the next three days she couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop mourning the potential loss. And she did it alone.
Monday, March 12, 2018
Free Weekend Part 2
"Let's go walk back to the other bar." JJ suggested. Even though it was pretty cold, she decided a quick walk wouldn't hurt.
Less than 10 feet from the bar she regretted her decision. Though he was only wearing one thin white t-shirt, JJ took off his jacket and put it around her. She tried not to accept it, but he insisted he ran hot anyway.
A few steps later, she was suddenly flat on her back on the ground. Her glasses were off of her face and she had no idea what happened. JJ was helping her up, and she was reaching for her specs and relieved to find them unharmed.
"I was literally turning around to tell you about the black ice on the ground. Are you okay?"
She took inventory and realized she'd put out the heel of her left hand down to catch herself, and all of her weight had come down on it. It was already starting to swell. They got back to the bar and she ordered a drink strictly to put on her hand.
She told the bartender about her fall, and he kissed her palm better.
"Who is this guy? And what happened to your other friends?" The bartender asked.
"He's my friend! The other ones went home. I'm not allowed to have friends now?"
He smirked and shook his head.
She and JJ continued to drink and play arcade games, and sat around kissing for a little bit before her hand swelled up more and she felt she had to drive home while she still could.
"I have to go home. My hand hurts so bad." The bartender's cute smile turned downward, and he extended his hand to her good hand to hoist her upper body over the bar, and he tapped his cheek for a kiss...and turned in at the last moment. She laughed at him, knowing he was just doing it because JJ was standing right there.
She drove JJ back to his car, and his kiss seemed slightly more urgent than the last. She laughed to herself...looks like her bartender friend had his desired effect.
Less than 10 feet from the bar she regretted her decision. Though he was only wearing one thin white t-shirt, JJ took off his jacket and put it around her. She tried not to accept it, but he insisted he ran hot anyway.
A few steps later, she was suddenly flat on her back on the ground. Her glasses were off of her face and she had no idea what happened. JJ was helping her up, and she was reaching for her specs and relieved to find them unharmed.
"I was literally turning around to tell you about the black ice on the ground. Are you okay?"
She took inventory and realized she'd put out the heel of her left hand down to catch herself, and all of her weight had come down on it. It was already starting to swell. They got back to the bar and she ordered a drink strictly to put on her hand.
She told the bartender about her fall, and he kissed her palm better.
"Who is this guy? And what happened to your other friends?" The bartender asked.
"He's my friend! The other ones went home. I'm not allowed to have friends now?"
He smirked and shook his head.
She and JJ continued to drink and play arcade games, and sat around kissing for a little bit before her hand swelled up more and she felt she had to drive home while she still could.
"I have to go home. My hand hurts so bad." The bartender's cute smile turned downward, and he extended his hand to her good hand to hoist her upper body over the bar, and he tapped his cheek for a kiss...and turned in at the last moment. She laughed at him, knowing he was just doing it because JJ was standing right there.
She drove JJ back to his car, and his kiss seemed slightly more urgent than the last. She laughed to herself...looks like her bartender friend had his desired effect.
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Free Weekend Part 1
"I know it's sort of late notice, but if you and AB are free, let's go to the arcade bar tonight!" She also texted JJ, thinking that there was no way he was going to respond.
It was Saturday night, and she was finally out of enough depression to want to see the people that she really cared about. Banana was mysteriously missing from her place at the bar, wooing a potential new partner elsewhere.
The group of introverts soon grew overwhelmed by the din of the games mixed with the growing crowd and decided to walk over to the other bar for some quiet conversation. They talked about the poor crowds in the new BFF's new theatre space, how things weren't going well over there. They thought she knew about it because of Banana's involvement, but in reality she and Banana talked more about interpersonal relationships than actual business.
JJ was getting tired, starting to yawn, when JJ walked in.
"Just to let you know, I was just saying we were about to take off, so it has nothing to do with your arrival." PJ said to JJ.
She and JJ decided to stay at the bar, and said goodbye to AB and PJ. After a couple of drinks they made their way upstairs, mostly because there were comfy couches where she'd made out with two other guys before. She thought maybe JJ found that to be a challenge, because she'd mentioned it earlier.
Soon they were chatting and making out occasionally upstairs. They had the chat they always had, about how he was incapable of a real relationship, how bad he was at communication, and the potential for a threesome between them and Mel.
"You wouldn't have done it!" He teased.
"I don't know, I was drunk enough. But you missed your window, I got tired."
"Well, next time I'll ply you with booze and some protein bars."
After some more making out he said "Your laugh is always tinged with sarcasm. I never know if you are laughing because you are amused or you are laughing AT me."
She answered him by kissing him and laughing ambiguously. He was too emotionally needy to be satisfied by her.
It was Saturday night, and she was finally out of enough depression to want to see the people that she really cared about. Banana was mysteriously missing from her place at the bar, wooing a potential new partner elsewhere.
The group of introverts soon grew overwhelmed by the din of the games mixed with the growing crowd and decided to walk over to the other bar for some quiet conversation. They talked about the poor crowds in the new BFF's new theatre space, how things weren't going well over there. They thought she knew about it because of Banana's involvement, but in reality she and Banana talked more about interpersonal relationships than actual business.
JJ was getting tired, starting to yawn, when JJ walked in.
"Just to let you know, I was just saying we were about to take off, so it has nothing to do with your arrival." PJ said to JJ.
She and JJ decided to stay at the bar, and said goodbye to AB and PJ. After a couple of drinks they made their way upstairs, mostly because there were comfy couches where she'd made out with two other guys before. She thought maybe JJ found that to be a challenge, because she'd mentioned it earlier.
Soon they were chatting and making out occasionally upstairs. They had the chat they always had, about how he was incapable of a real relationship, how bad he was at communication, and the potential for a threesome between them and Mel.
"You wouldn't have done it!" He teased.
"I don't know, I was drunk enough. But you missed your window, I got tired."
"Well, next time I'll ply you with booze and some protein bars."
After some more making out he said "Your laugh is always tinged with sarcasm. I never know if you are laughing because you are amused or you are laughing AT me."
She answered him by kissing him and laughing ambiguously. He was too emotionally needy to be satisfied by her.
Friday, March 2, 2018
Quit Playing Games With My Heart
She walked into the arcade bar that Banana frequented and where she was meeting up with Piz. From his texts he seemed excited to meet up with her despite it snowing all day, threatening to freeze all the roads.
The bartender was instructed by Banana to flirt shamelessly with her so Piz got jealous, which was just a funny game considering that Piz was already in an (albeit terrible) relationship and she wasn't about to get involved with all that.
"...you still like him!" the bartender said with his trademark grin. Her half-smile and glance to the right gave her away. She couldn't deny it. Maybe a piece of her heart would always be with that goofball. What they had was fire and wasn't fully realized, and she desired closure so much that she was in that bar.
They played pinball, and a few other games that she was embarrassingly bad at. After a few minutes of hanging out he asked her if she was hungry, because he was starving.
Piz ended up picking a new pizza joint within walking distance of the bar. She grabbed her jacket out of the car and laughed because his light jacket wasn't going to cut it for the walk. Halfway there he realized the sidewalk was too narrow and let her walk ahead, softly berating himself for not doing it in the first place. Her heart squeezed a little bit as she remembered the time he pulled her out of the way of some leaking water on her walkway. She felt like no one had ever really looked out for her in such a sweet way.
They walked past the restaurant that saw their end as a couple. "You ever go back there?" She asked him. "No....you?"
"Are you kidding? They had a giant taxidermist bear head over the woman's toilet. I'm never going back there."
He chuckled at the earlier memory of that night. At the pizza place they talked about how the bar moving in next door was their second date. She brought up that she always worried that he had stopped smoking because she didn't like it. She mentioned that Mel was really into pot and it was a strong disconnect with her.
"Amy smokes pot every night, without fail." He shared.
She took a deep breath. "Does she know that it's over?"
He looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, that was really overstepping. You do not have to answer that at all."
"No, no...I honestly don't know. She can't not know."
"You play it pretty close to the vest Piz. She might not know."
They started talking about other things since he was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. She was going to be sensitive because he was doing to Amy what he did to her, just on a grander scale.
They started talking finances, and as the conversation continued she suddenly realized how much he didn't really care about them. When they met he wanted a career in finance, she thought he was passionate about it.
He was so...listless. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He never actually stuck to anything, or anyone.
She had, yet again, dodged another bullet.
The bartender was instructed by Banana to flirt shamelessly with her so Piz got jealous, which was just a funny game considering that Piz was already in an (albeit terrible) relationship and she wasn't about to get involved with all that.
"...you still like him!" the bartender said with his trademark grin. Her half-smile and glance to the right gave her away. She couldn't deny it. Maybe a piece of her heart would always be with that goofball. What they had was fire and wasn't fully realized, and she desired closure so much that she was in that bar.
They played pinball, and a few other games that she was embarrassingly bad at. After a few minutes of hanging out he asked her if she was hungry, because he was starving.
Piz ended up picking a new pizza joint within walking distance of the bar. She grabbed her jacket out of the car and laughed because his light jacket wasn't going to cut it for the walk. Halfway there he realized the sidewalk was too narrow and let her walk ahead, softly berating himself for not doing it in the first place. Her heart squeezed a little bit as she remembered the time he pulled her out of the way of some leaking water on her walkway. She felt like no one had ever really looked out for her in such a sweet way.
They walked past the restaurant that saw their end as a couple. "You ever go back there?" She asked him. "No....you?"
"Are you kidding? They had a giant taxidermist bear head over the woman's toilet. I'm never going back there."
He chuckled at the earlier memory of that night. At the pizza place they talked about how the bar moving in next door was their second date. She brought up that she always worried that he had stopped smoking because she didn't like it. She mentioned that Mel was really into pot and it was a strong disconnect with her.
"Amy smokes pot every night, without fail." He shared.
She took a deep breath. "Does she know that it's over?"
He looked uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, that was really overstepping. You do not have to answer that at all."
"No, no...I honestly don't know. She can't not know."
"You play it pretty close to the vest Piz. She might not know."
They started talking about other things since he was clearly uncomfortable with the situation. She was going to be sensitive because he was doing to Amy what he did to her, just on a grander scale.
They started talking finances, and as the conversation continued she suddenly realized how much he didn't really care about them. When they met he wanted a career in finance, she thought he was passionate about it.
He was so...listless. He didn't know what he wanted to do. He never actually stuck to anything, or anyone.
She had, yet again, dodged another bullet.
Monday, February 26, 2018
Valentine's Day
Both she and Mel had to work late on Valentine's day, and he accidentally made reservations for a time when they both were not going to be off work yet.
As a last minute surprise he got a room at the hotel they had spent time in before, and brought her a large bouquet of white roses. "I know you kinda think Valentine's Day is stupid, and that you think stuff is stupid...but this is the one day of the year where I have to do it. I had to get you these, I wanted to."
She kissed him, and they went downstairs to check out what restaurants were still open. They watched the Olympics at a fake Mexican Cantina and marveled at all the tequila on the walls. He was trying to take a break from alcohol and she was drinking water in solidarity.
They went back up to the room and debated going to the closing night of a local bar, but then got involved in a late 90's movie on TV while looking for the Olympics. It was a long movie, and towards the end they ended up fooling around. She stopped him as he reached for her underwear, and he continued to protest. She reminded him that he had a very easy task ahead of him, just a small test before she was going to let him go further.
"I'll go on Tuesday."
He'd said that before, so she didn't really pay it any mind.
On Thursday he sent her a text; "I peed in a cup then got stabbed."
She texted "I'm proud of you."
He responded "Now I'm off to Planned Parenthood."
She laughed out loud, then got a little nervous.
As a last minute surprise he got a room at the hotel they had spent time in before, and brought her a large bouquet of white roses. "I know you kinda think Valentine's Day is stupid, and that you think stuff is stupid...but this is the one day of the year where I have to do it. I had to get you these, I wanted to."
She kissed him, and they went downstairs to check out what restaurants were still open. They watched the Olympics at a fake Mexican Cantina and marveled at all the tequila on the walls. He was trying to take a break from alcohol and she was drinking water in solidarity.
They went back up to the room and debated going to the closing night of a local bar, but then got involved in a late 90's movie on TV while looking for the Olympics. It was a long movie, and towards the end they ended up fooling around. She stopped him as he reached for her underwear, and he continued to protest. She reminded him that he had a very easy task ahead of him, just a small test before she was going to let him go further.
"I'll go on Tuesday."
He'd said that before, so she didn't really pay it any mind.
On Thursday he sent her a text; "I peed in a cup then got stabbed."
She texted "I'm proud of you."
He responded "Now I'm off to Planned Parenthood."
She laughed out loud, then got a little nervous.
Friday, February 23, 2018
Asking Too Much
Mel asked if he could do anything for her, but he was going through his own dramas, so she told him she was fine.
She wasn't.
She was feeling her lowest when she got a text from Nameless, who she hadn't heard from since December. They easily fell into their old routine, but it was nice to talk to him about things. She missed having that connection with someone, where there was some flirting but mostly just honest talk.
She expressed her frustration with men and made fun of him for his commitment issues.
"I don't think I'm asking that much of guys. I'm respecting myself and I think that it's just enough."
He responded "I don't think you are asking too much, just more than most."
It woke her out of her depression.
She wasn't.
She was feeling her lowest when she got a text from Nameless, who she hadn't heard from since December. They easily fell into their old routine, but it was nice to talk to him about things. She missed having that connection with someone, where there was some flirting but mostly just honest talk.
She expressed her frustration with men and made fun of him for his commitment issues.
"I don't think I'm asking that much of guys. I'm respecting myself and I think that it's just enough."
He responded "I don't think you are asking too much, just more than most."
It woke her out of her depression.
Wednesday, February 21, 2018
You Get Your Rest
She woke up one morning, and the act of putting her feet on the ground felt like a defeat. She was depressed.
It was in this depression that she realized she hadn't actually been depressed in quite a while. She'd just been too busy.
Working on her new play had been difficult. No one was bonding, everyone was alpha-ing except for the director, and it was the stage manager's first time so she had to teach him the ropes without being overbearing. No one in the cast was bonding. She felt like she just went to get a little affection with JJ once in awhile.
Goldie was filming another movie and had actually cast her in it. It was her first time acting since college, and it was stressful to do the art direction and worry about a performance. While in production she rode the high of spending time with new people and being on a movie set. She thought she'd made a couple of friends, but their interest in Banana proved to show they were just looking for something else. She was happy Banana was getting the attention, but she was sad that these people didn't even want to be her friend.
At the end, she was also judging a local beauty pageant when a last minute addition to the shoot came up. She worked through the night, then went to day 1 of the pageant directly afterwards, followed by the last night of her play. In the end she was up for about 41 hours, and it took it's toll. After the next day the pageant was over, and thus all her projects had ended.
And so it all came crashing down. The vagintis she'd been fighting since the beginning of all the crazy suddenly raged. She called the doctor, thought about the friends she had made and lost in such a short time, and how there was nothing else to look forward to.
She wanted to deactivate her dating apps. She tried to be productive but ended up back in her bed after a few hours. The only thing that pulled her out of it for a bit was going to see IL's and Levi's new baby. He was very calming and sweet, and it was amazing, but the next day she was back to being cranky.
It would all pass, but for now she had nothing to look forward to.
It was in this depression that she realized she hadn't actually been depressed in quite a while. She'd just been too busy.
Working on her new play had been difficult. No one was bonding, everyone was alpha-ing except for the director, and it was the stage manager's first time so she had to teach him the ropes without being overbearing. No one in the cast was bonding. She felt like she just went to get a little affection with JJ once in awhile.
Goldie was filming another movie and had actually cast her in it. It was her first time acting since college, and it was stressful to do the art direction and worry about a performance. While in production she rode the high of spending time with new people and being on a movie set. She thought she'd made a couple of friends, but their interest in Banana proved to show they were just looking for something else. She was happy Banana was getting the attention, but she was sad that these people didn't even want to be her friend.
At the end, she was also judging a local beauty pageant when a last minute addition to the shoot came up. She worked through the night, then went to day 1 of the pageant directly afterwards, followed by the last night of her play. In the end she was up for about 41 hours, and it took it's toll. After the next day the pageant was over, and thus all her projects had ended.
And so it all came crashing down. The vagintis she'd been fighting since the beginning of all the crazy suddenly raged. She called the doctor, thought about the friends she had made and lost in such a short time, and how there was nothing else to look forward to.
She wanted to deactivate her dating apps. She tried to be productive but ended up back in her bed after a few hours. The only thing that pulled her out of it for a bit was going to see IL's and Levi's new baby. He was very calming and sweet, and it was amazing, but the next day she was back to being cranky.
It would all pass, but for now she had nothing to look forward to.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Closed Heart, Open Mouth
She looked down the bar and didn't see him. She turned around and saw him, almost panicked, coming around the opposite corner. He must have seen her come in through the giant windows.
He looked the same, but different. Sort of beaten down. His hair was shorter, darker somehow. He seemed happy to see her, but at the same time reserved. He must have known, instinctively, what was coming from her. She wasn't about to hold back.
Looking back on the conversation, she was shocked how on the same wavelength they were. She spoke, and he understood. She was a little harder on him, the fear of losing him over. He took it in stride, and accepted her criticism.
After breaking it off with her, he left for his job. Three weeks later he realized he hated the job. It had turned out to be the sales job he didn't want, and they hadn't told him until he had moved and started training. In a bind, he decided to sleep on his friends couch for the next 6 months. "Most of 2017 just...sucked." He admitted.
She had to agree. She told him about her new rule of getting an STD test before having sex with someone again, and how it had successfully kept her celebate for all of 2017 and where she had gotten so far with 2018.
"But, I don't understand...they are so easy to get."
"Yeah, well I guess I'm not special enough for anybody."
He took a deep breath and she waited for him to tell her what she already figured had happened. He had been in a relationship for the past six months. They were living together, and his dog was staying about 45 minutes away with his dad. She was shocked at what passed for his excuses to the situation. He clearly didn't love her, and living with her was situational. He said he felt like a dick about it, and she didn't let him off the hook. She told him that the most hurtful part of their relationship was the way he gave up, the way he was what he was doing cowardly.
"You should feel like a dick. You are just doing to her what you did to me but on a grander scale. If you don't want to be with her--"
"I don't have the money to move out, all I have is a part time job right now."
"So get another part time job, Piz. Don't do this to another girl. I know you know better and ARE better than this."
They talked about how their timing had been off in the relationship, and he admitted he doesn't see himself with anyone long term. He also said twice that you can't really tell the future, and maybe someday they would find each other romantically again.
She looked at him, thought to call him on the lie, the leading on...but decided not to.
He said she looked really good, very pretty. He said she had made an amazing life for herself, and he was jealous, but also very proud. She told him he just needed to work a little harder and things would look up for him. He had decided he wanted to get his Masters and teach. She was happy his life had gotten a little more direction.
They parted as friends, and she felt, finally, she was at peace. Her heart finally had a clean slate.
He looked the same, but different. Sort of beaten down. His hair was shorter, darker somehow. He seemed happy to see her, but at the same time reserved. He must have known, instinctively, what was coming from her. She wasn't about to hold back.
Looking back on the conversation, she was shocked how on the same wavelength they were. She spoke, and he understood. She was a little harder on him, the fear of losing him over. He took it in stride, and accepted her criticism.
After breaking it off with her, he left for his job. Three weeks later he realized he hated the job. It had turned out to be the sales job he didn't want, and they hadn't told him until he had moved and started training. In a bind, he decided to sleep on his friends couch for the next 6 months. "Most of 2017 just...sucked." He admitted.
She had to agree. She told him about her new rule of getting an STD test before having sex with someone again, and how it had successfully kept her celebate for all of 2017 and where she had gotten so far with 2018.
"But, I don't understand...they are so easy to get."
"Yeah, well I guess I'm not special enough for anybody."
He took a deep breath and she waited for him to tell her what she already figured had happened. He had been in a relationship for the past six months. They were living together, and his dog was staying about 45 minutes away with his dad. She was shocked at what passed for his excuses to the situation. He clearly didn't love her, and living with her was situational. He said he felt like a dick about it, and she didn't let him off the hook. She told him that the most hurtful part of their relationship was the way he gave up, the way he was what he was doing cowardly.
"You should feel like a dick. You are just doing to her what you did to me but on a grander scale. If you don't want to be with her--"
"I don't have the money to move out, all I have is a part time job right now."
"So get another part time job, Piz. Don't do this to another girl. I know you know better and ARE better than this."
They talked about how their timing had been off in the relationship, and he admitted he doesn't see himself with anyone long term. He also said twice that you can't really tell the future, and maybe someday they would find each other romantically again.
She looked at him, thought to call him on the lie, the leading on...but decided not to.
He said she looked really good, very pretty. He said she had made an amazing life for herself, and he was jealous, but also very proud. She told him he just needed to work a little harder and things would look up for him. He had decided he wanted to get his Masters and teach. She was happy his life had gotten a little more direction.
They parted as friends, and she felt, finally, she was at peace. Her heart finally had a clean slate.
Monday, January 15, 2018
Poor Decisions Lead to Pour Decisions
It could be stated that she made poorer decisions when she was sleep deprived, much more poor than when she was drunk.
It was on a sleep deprived night around 2am where she made a poor decision. She saw a clever Star Wars post on Instagram, and before she realized what she was doing, she had sent the post to Piz in a private message, saying that he didn't need to respond because apparently they weren't speaking, this was just a post she thought he would find funny.
Eventually she managed to get to sleep, and woke up thinking it was a stupid dream she had.
Until she saw the notification that he had written back. "Hi Penny, how have you been?"
She allowed over 24 hours to pass so she could calm down and choose how to respond. She decided on a cool, calculated response of "I've been fine, and you?"
The response she got she wasn't prepared for. He was pretty open and honest about the fact that he was back in town and crashing on some couches for the last year because that whole job didn't work out for him.
"So you lost the career and the girl?" She thought to herself. Instead she responded that she was sure his dad was happy he was back in town. He came back with asking if she still had the same job and was still doing theatre.
She told him about the now year old job and the few projects she was involved in. He responded "That's awesome! You're awesome. I'm really happy for you"
She swooned. She thanked him and asked what his plans were besides school. He said he was just up to his eyeballs in school and didn't have time for anything else.
"Just where I left you huh? Like not a day has passed."
"Yeah, pretty much, haha."
It was time to throw down her gauntlet.
"Well good luck with all that self imposed solitary confinement!"
He waited half a day to respond, "I'm a total hermit and should probably get out more. Why don't we grab a drink sometime?"
She only lasted about 4 hours before responding "When are you free?"
It was on a sleep deprived night around 2am where she made a poor decision. She saw a clever Star Wars post on Instagram, and before she realized what she was doing, she had sent the post to Piz in a private message, saying that he didn't need to respond because apparently they weren't speaking, this was just a post she thought he would find funny.
Eventually she managed to get to sleep, and woke up thinking it was a stupid dream she had.
Until she saw the notification that he had written back. "Hi Penny, how have you been?"
She allowed over 24 hours to pass so she could calm down and choose how to respond. She decided on a cool, calculated response of "I've been fine, and you?"
The response she got she wasn't prepared for. He was pretty open and honest about the fact that he was back in town and crashing on some couches for the last year because that whole job didn't work out for him.
"So you lost the career and the girl?" She thought to herself. Instead she responded that she was sure his dad was happy he was back in town. He came back with asking if she still had the same job and was still doing theatre.
She told him about the now year old job and the few projects she was involved in. He responded "That's awesome! You're awesome. I'm really happy for you"
She swooned. She thanked him and asked what his plans were besides school. He said he was just up to his eyeballs in school and didn't have time for anything else.
"Just where I left you huh? Like not a day has passed."
"Yeah, pretty much, haha."
It was time to throw down her gauntlet.
"Well good luck with all that self imposed solitary confinement!"
He waited half a day to respond, "I'm a total hermit and should probably get out more. Why don't we grab a drink sometime?"
She only lasted about 4 hours before responding "When are you free?"
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Year in Review
"Wait, you haven't had sex at all this year?" IL asked her over lunch one day. She was genuinely shocked. "With all the boys you had this year?"
She thought about it and realized she did have a dick-filled year for not getting any. She'd spent the early morning hours of 2017 having tons of sex with KSL. Things had gotten more serious with Nameless before dropping off. She'd filed for divorce and in attempting a no-strings attached make out session with JJ and ended up in a sexless relationship with Mel. There was even that hot moment where she almost agreed to a threesome with JJ and Mel, but ultimately decided she was "too tired."
It's funny that throwing out a tiny stipulation about getting an STD test before having sex will make your actual sex life come to a screeching halt.
But she had started her new job too, which still felt new despite being there a whole year. Having a whole week off of it had been rejuvenating, but she was ready to get back to the grind of her life.
As she waited for the countdown, she had a mini panic attack. She was officially getting into "too old" status. Too old to procreate, even though she wasn't sure she even wanted to. Too old to seriously get into a relationship. She was very soon going to be of an age where nothing was appropriate anymore.
She tried to stifle the thoughts, as they just came with spending a New Years Eve alone. There was something about starting a year alone that was profoundly depressing. A friend had texted her that the crappier the NYE party, the better the year was. She guessed this was the year to put that theory to the test.
Happy New Year
She thought about it and realized she did have a dick-filled year for not getting any. She'd spent the early morning hours of 2017 having tons of sex with KSL. Things had gotten more serious with Nameless before dropping off. She'd filed for divorce and in attempting a no-strings attached make out session with JJ and ended up in a sexless relationship with Mel. There was even that hot moment where she almost agreed to a threesome with JJ and Mel, but ultimately decided she was "too tired."
It's funny that throwing out a tiny stipulation about getting an STD test before having sex will make your actual sex life come to a screeching halt.
But she had started her new job too, which still felt new despite being there a whole year. Having a whole week off of it had been rejuvenating, but she was ready to get back to the grind of her life.
As she waited for the countdown, she had a mini panic attack. She was officially getting into "too old" status. Too old to procreate, even though she wasn't sure she even wanted to. Too old to seriously get into a relationship. She was very soon going to be of an age where nothing was appropriate anymore.
She tried to stifle the thoughts, as they just came with spending a New Years Eve alone. There was something about starting a year alone that was profoundly depressing. A friend had texted her that the crappier the NYE party, the better the year was. She guessed this was the year to put that theory to the test.
Happy New Year
Saturday, December 30, 2017
A Blue Christmas
"What are you doing for Christmas?" The Ex texted.
"Hopefully sleeping the whole day." She replied. 23 days of working in a row, and she was done with all people and things.
He wanted to hang, make empanadas and watch movies.
She'd gone too far, being in a show with him. He'd gotten too close with her. She'd given him hope instead of getting her best friend back. Feeling more alone than before, she encouraged him to spend time with his ailing father instead. They only had so many Christmases left together.
Christmas Eve she was getting all kinds of things done...balancing checkbooks, working on her and Dusky's project...and her phone let out the generic text tone.
It was Theo. "Hope you are having a good holiday."
He was baiting her. She should be strong and ignore it, the way that she ignored his Facebook message and his Instagram message. She'd blocked him from seeing her FB feed, and un-followed him on both platforms. Still, he persevered.
It was Christmas, she was really enjoying her alone time. But he had gotten to her, made her annoyed. "I'm still Jewish Theo."
"Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the holiday, lol"
He was so desperately ignorant. She wanted to ask him how he enjoyed his Chinese New Year, because even though he didn't celebrate doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his Chinese New Year. She knew it was time to stop responding.
"How's it going?" He texted 20 minutes later. She continued to ignore him, and hoped he would release her in the new year.
"Hopefully sleeping the whole day." She replied. 23 days of working in a row, and she was done with all people and things.
He wanted to hang, make empanadas and watch movies.
She'd gone too far, being in a show with him. He'd gotten too close with her. She'd given him hope instead of getting her best friend back. Feeling more alone than before, she encouraged him to spend time with his ailing father instead. They only had so many Christmases left together.
Christmas Eve she was getting all kinds of things done...balancing checkbooks, working on her and Dusky's project...and her phone let out the generic text tone.
It was Theo. "Hope you are having a good holiday."
He was baiting her. She should be strong and ignore it, the way that she ignored his Facebook message and his Instagram message. She'd blocked him from seeing her FB feed, and un-followed him on both platforms. Still, he persevered.
It was Christmas, she was really enjoying her alone time. But he had gotten to her, made her annoyed. "I'm still Jewish Theo."
"Doesn't mean you can't enjoy the holiday, lol"
He was so desperately ignorant. She wanted to ask him how he enjoyed his Chinese New Year, because even though he didn't celebrate doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy his Chinese New Year. She knew it was time to stop responding.
"How's it going?" He texted 20 minutes later. She continued to ignore him, and hoped he would release her in the new year.
Wednesday, December 27, 2017
Stewed
"I was in a bad relationship, and I thought I found someone who put up with my ranting and craziness and laughed at my jokes. So I kissed that person. And I got scared."
It had been almost two years. It was like the storm had finally passed through the town of her soul, and a quiet had finally come over, like after a great snowfall.
She wanted to say to him that he did find that person. She was glad that he had been there to listen to her and help her through one of the hardest moments of her life. She did find his rantings and craziness amusing, and wholeheartedly laughed at his jokes. She still did.
But she hesitated. She didn't want to tell him all that. He would take it as a come on, as a want on her part to be with him, and that wasn't what she wanted to say. That wasn't important or relevant at this moment in time.
So she stayed silent, and he fell silent as well. She had her answer. He got scared. So many things fell into place from the past, and she finally felt like she could move on. Move forward, not be stuck wondering why. She finally had understanding, and closure.
It wasn't until a few weeks later she suddenly realized how it all must have felt from his side. He followed his emotions and felt something for her, and kissed her. Then she freaked out the next day. was in her head, figuring out how to end her relationship. So he tried to backtrack, to make her feel better. Told her the kiss didn't mean anything, which ended up upsetting her further.
It was even more doomed from the start than she realized. She still didn't regret a minute of what happened, and still cared for him deeply. But she knew she cared for him far more than he cared for himself, and that wasn't likely to change anytime soon.
They did end up getting a little physical that night, but ultimately she stuck to her rule and they didn't have sex.
It had been almost two years. It was like the storm had finally passed through the town of her soul, and a quiet had finally come over, like after a great snowfall.
She wanted to say to him that he did find that person. She was glad that he had been there to listen to her and help her through one of the hardest moments of her life. She did find his rantings and craziness amusing, and wholeheartedly laughed at his jokes. She still did.
But she hesitated. She didn't want to tell him all that. He would take it as a come on, as a want on her part to be with him, and that wasn't what she wanted to say. That wasn't important or relevant at this moment in time.
So she stayed silent, and he fell silent as well. She had her answer. He got scared. So many things fell into place from the past, and she finally felt like she could move on. Move forward, not be stuck wondering why. She finally had understanding, and closure.
It wasn't until a few weeks later she suddenly realized how it all must have felt from his side. He followed his emotions and felt something for her, and kissed her. Then she freaked out the next day. was in her head, figuring out how to end her relationship. So he tried to backtrack, to make her feel better. Told her the kiss didn't mean anything, which ended up upsetting her further.
It was even more doomed from the start than she realized. She still didn't regret a minute of what happened, and still cared for him deeply. But she knew she cared for him far more than he cared for himself, and that wasn't likely to change anytime soon.
They did end up getting a little physical that night, but ultimately she stuck to her rule and they didn't have sex.
Monday, December 25, 2017
Playing Catch Up
It had been one hell of a December. Before she even realized what was happening, it was the middle of the month and she had been working 15 days straight, and would continue to the end of the month.
Now that she was at the end, everything was a blur. The end of the last month had been tumultuous between her and KSL, but by the end of December it seemed to have leveled out again. She sincerely hoped to stay there for awhile. More and more she felt like she was just running out of friends, even though she still felt like she couldn't really trust him as much as she wanted to.
Being at Goldie's play was difficult because she was literally running over from work, running herself ragged, only to find that the BFF had made sure that other people were doing her job. BFF made sure she wasn't available to contribute to the director gift from the cast. One night she didn't even show up, only texting Goldie to give her a head's up. No one missed her.
It was funny. BFF was the one who introduced her to the Five Love Languages, and she went out of her way to take away her main love language; Acts of Service. She felt absolutely helpless. She recalled a conversation she and KSL had during one of their drives, where she told him she never felt like he needed her for anything. Nothing to contribute=nothing to love.
She might as well become an actor with how low her self worth was. Really she was just very, very tired. She was fast becoming too tired to care.
On a date with Mel, she was trying to get him to open up with her, to confide in her. They had been dating 6 months, and it had stayed really casual, with bursts of emotional intimacy. He was a really sweet guy, but she was fast feeling like a burden to him. She was not used to someone taking her out, paying for drinks and dinner, having dinner dates...but no sex, and no confiding from him. She, again, felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, wasn't needed by him.
A friend of his died, and she offered to go to the funeral. He said she didn't need to, and she addressed why he wasn't letting her in. "I'm a mess...you deserve better than that. It's a testament to how much I like you that I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you."
It hurt. It cut through all the numb she was feeling. On one hand, it was nice that he thought so highly of her that he didn't want to subject her to his shit show. On the other, it was a rejection. It hurt. And the only difference between him and her Ex was that Mel understood what he was doing and wasn't going to take advantage of her kindness.
It still hurt. How did she keep getting into these faux-lationships? If he never wanted a serious relationship with her ever...then what were they even doing? MG said she was doing "relationship" not with a lower case or capital R, but with a cursive R. At least without the sex part it was easy for her to not get her heart completely broken. Again.
Now that she was at the end, everything was a blur. The end of the last month had been tumultuous between her and KSL, but by the end of December it seemed to have leveled out again. She sincerely hoped to stay there for awhile. More and more she felt like she was just running out of friends, even though she still felt like she couldn't really trust him as much as she wanted to.
Being at Goldie's play was difficult because she was literally running over from work, running herself ragged, only to find that the BFF had made sure that other people were doing her job. BFF made sure she wasn't available to contribute to the director gift from the cast. One night she didn't even show up, only texting Goldie to give her a head's up. No one missed her.
It was funny. BFF was the one who introduced her to the Five Love Languages, and she went out of her way to take away her main love language; Acts of Service. She felt absolutely helpless. She recalled a conversation she and KSL had during one of their drives, where she told him she never felt like he needed her for anything. Nothing to contribute=nothing to love.
She might as well become an actor with how low her self worth was. Really she was just very, very tired. She was fast becoming too tired to care.
On a date with Mel, she was trying to get him to open up with her, to confide in her. They had been dating 6 months, and it had stayed really casual, with bursts of emotional intimacy. He was a really sweet guy, but she was fast feeling like a burden to him. She was not used to someone taking her out, paying for drinks and dinner, having dinner dates...but no sex, and no confiding from him. She, again, felt like she wasn't pulling her weight, wasn't needed by him.
A friend of his died, and she offered to go to the funeral. He said she didn't need to, and she addressed why he wasn't letting her in. "I'm a mess...you deserve better than that. It's a testament to how much I like you that I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you."
It hurt. It cut through all the numb she was feeling. On one hand, it was nice that he thought so highly of her that he didn't want to subject her to his shit show. On the other, it was a rejection. It hurt. And the only difference between him and her Ex was that Mel understood what he was doing and wasn't going to take advantage of her kindness.
It still hurt. How did she keep getting into these faux-lationships? If he never wanted a serious relationship with her ever...then what were they even doing? MG said she was doing "relationship" not with a lower case or capital R, but with a cursive R. At least without the sex part it was easy for her to not get her heart completely broken. Again.
Wednesday, November 29, 2017
UnThankful
Right before Thanksgiving, she started to not feel well. She resisted, because she hadn't been sick since getting her tonsils out, and she had fancied herself immune to all diseases since completing the HPV vaccine.
A few days later she started to feel worse, and realized she couldn't continue to blame it on allergies. She was sick.
Again.
It was a terrible time for her. She had time in early December to go to Urgent Care, but not before.
The Ex came over for Thanksgiving, and she was cranky and sick the whole day. He had come over so early, wanting to watch the parade with her. Half an hour before the parade started he knocked on her door. They watched the parade with her in her bed and him on the couch. When it was over they watched White Christmas, their tradition. She put on a movie for him and she took a shower, but it didn't really make her feel any better.
They watched a few other movies, she tried to help make dinner but couldn't manage a lot. He burned and ruined her cookie sheet and two of her pots. She didn't have time to get new ones, they would have to wait.
The ex left around 10 at night. She was exhausted and went straight to bed.
A few days later she started to feel worse, and realized she couldn't continue to blame it on allergies. She was sick.
Again.
It was a terrible time for her. She had time in early December to go to Urgent Care, but not before.
The Ex came over for Thanksgiving, and she was cranky and sick the whole day. He had come over so early, wanting to watch the parade with her. Half an hour before the parade started he knocked on her door. They watched the parade with her in her bed and him on the couch. When it was over they watched White Christmas, their tradition. She put on a movie for him and she took a shower, but it didn't really make her feel any better.
They watched a few other movies, she tried to help make dinner but couldn't manage a lot. He burned and ruined her cookie sheet and two of her pots. She didn't have time to get new ones, they would have to wait.
The ex left around 10 at night. She was exhausted and went straight to bed.
Monday, November 20, 2017
Going Back to the Well
"What ever happened to that guy you were seeing super casually, the scientist?" A couple of people asked. It was enough to make her really think about it...what did happen to him?
They'd left off with him needing about a month to get all his tests taken. Then her next month got super busy and he had never texted her back.
She should have just let it die. Obviously, he hadn't reached out to her, so that was the end, right?
Wasn't it?
She thought about it for a week. She could text him. The door wasn't closed.
She didn't tell anyone because they would tell her to leave it alone. Not to text him.
She thought to herself, three different people brought it up...that means something. She felt compelled.
"Sooooo...how was your summer?"
"Wow, are you drunk?" Came the response.
"Nope, only you try and get me drunk."
They fell into their old song and dance routine. Their tete-a-tete was unparalleled, and she realized how much she missed it. Missed him.
She went out on a limb and told him so. They bantered back and forth and he told her he hadn't messaged her back because she had come on too strong. She thought back and couldn't think of when that had happened. She apologized to him and said that wasn't her intention, and she was okay with just being friends with him.
So they made a non-date for a few days in the future to see the new Superhero movie. He warned that he might have to cancel, and she told him that she didn't expect anything less of him.
He didn't end up canceling, and they ended up having a good night. They did end up flirting a little, and he did end up in her apartment. He never touched her, and she never invited it. He told her that she had come on too strong when she had complained about her day, then apologized saying that they weren't at the complaining stage yet.
She rolled her eyes. It was never going to be anything serious, and she was glad for it.
They'd left off with him needing about a month to get all his tests taken. Then her next month got super busy and he had never texted her back.
She should have just let it die. Obviously, he hadn't reached out to her, so that was the end, right?
Wasn't it?
She thought about it for a week. She could text him. The door wasn't closed.
She didn't tell anyone because they would tell her to leave it alone. Not to text him.
She thought to herself, three different people brought it up...that means something. She felt compelled.
"Sooooo...how was your summer?"
"Wow, are you drunk?" Came the response.
"Nope, only you try and get me drunk."
They fell into their old song and dance routine. Their tete-a-tete was unparalleled, and she realized how much she missed it. Missed him.
She went out on a limb and told him so. They bantered back and forth and he told her he hadn't messaged her back because she had come on too strong. She thought back and couldn't think of when that had happened. She apologized to him and said that wasn't her intention, and she was okay with just being friends with him.
So they made a non-date for a few days in the future to see the new Superhero movie. He warned that he might have to cancel, and she told him that she didn't expect anything less of him.
He didn't end up canceling, and they ended up having a good night. They did end up flirting a little, and he did end up in her apartment. He never touched her, and she never invited it. He told her that she had come on too strong when she had complained about her day, then apologized saying that they weren't at the complaining stage yet.
She rolled her eyes. It was never going to be anything serious, and she was glad for it.
Wednesday, November 1, 2017
Float Like a Butterfly...
When she was younger she used to babysit this snobby little girl. The girl loved to pretend like she knew everything even though she was essential just a little girl.
One day they found a wasp stuck in her bathroom. "Don't!" She yelled at the girl as she swatted at insect without any thought to her own safety. She got stung and panicked.
Quickly her adrenaline kicked in. She checked for a stinger, there wasn't one in her skin. She put some ice on it and then called her mother. "She got bit by a bee!" She screamed into the phone.
Her mother came and told her there wasn't any more to be done. She had done a good job, taken care of the problem.
The child's mother came home soon afterward, and when she was recounting the story, she began to cry. Sob. Completely break down in the retelling of the traumatic event.
She felt the same the day after her latest play. It wasn't the usual ennui or la petite morte she usually had. It was a traumatic event she had gotten out of by the skin of her teeth.
The director had been mean, to other people and to her. She had stood up to him, more than she ever needed to stand up to anyone. It had been one of the most stressful and emotionally draining months of her life. She felt like she needed to cry. Sob. Completely break down.
She was still traumatized by it all. She couldn't do it. She still felt like she was still in the situation, like the monster was hiding just around the corner. Three small bruises on her arm showed his final strike, when he grabbed her and told her she was a "straight shooter" while gifting her with a cannon from the set. She wasn't even sure it was his to give.
She couldn't relax. Her entire body was sore, she didn't feel well. Her body started reacting physically as the day wore on. She needed to get food but couldn't get away from the bathroom. Mel brought her food in-between his two jobs. She told him he was fantastic.
One day they found a wasp stuck in her bathroom. "Don't!" She yelled at the girl as she swatted at insect without any thought to her own safety. She got stung and panicked.
Quickly her adrenaline kicked in. She checked for a stinger, there wasn't one in her skin. She put some ice on it and then called her mother. "She got bit by a bee!" She screamed into the phone.
Her mother came and told her there wasn't any more to be done. She had done a good job, taken care of the problem.
The child's mother came home soon afterward, and when she was recounting the story, she began to cry. Sob. Completely break down in the retelling of the traumatic event.
She felt the same the day after her latest play. It wasn't the usual ennui or la petite morte she usually had. It was a traumatic event she had gotten out of by the skin of her teeth.
The director had been mean, to other people and to her. She had stood up to him, more than she ever needed to stand up to anyone. It had been one of the most stressful and emotionally draining months of her life. She felt like she needed to cry. Sob. Completely break down.
She was still traumatized by it all. She couldn't do it. She still felt like she was still in the situation, like the monster was hiding just around the corner. Three small bruises on her arm showed his final strike, when he grabbed her and told her she was a "straight shooter" while gifting her with a cannon from the set. She wasn't even sure it was his to give.
She couldn't relax. Her entire body was sore, she didn't feel well. Her body started reacting physically as the day wore on. She needed to get food but couldn't get away from the bathroom. Mel brought her food in-between his two jobs. She told him he was fantastic.
Monday, October 30, 2017
The Take Over, The Breaks Over
She and Mel had an emotional night. She wasn't sure how they had come upon it, but he had decided before they went any further she deserved to know some dark secrets about him. They turned out to not be dark so much as unfortunate circumstances he'd been faced with in his past. He was clearly torn up over them though, but she said that she understood and didn't think any less of him because of it.
They were a little drunk, and she told him that she did like him, and that if he wanted to be exclusive, she would be for him. He told her that her being with other people took the pressure off him, even though he wasn't seeing anyone else. "If you ever feel differently let me know, okay?" She asked him. Mel nodded.
The next day she got a text from Theo. He was going to ask the other girl to be his girlfriend. She immediately texted back that she was happy for him, which she was. Wholeheartedly. Mel had been there for her when Theo just let her fall to the wayside. This was the way things should be.
She told him she felt him pulling away and it was okay, she was glad that he was happy.
"I wasn't trying to pull away seemed like you got busy honestly but you're too special to me I still want to talk to you and hang out."
Then he said he wasn't going to ask her to be his girlfriend right away, and she knew that he was playing games with her. He wanted her to say don't do it. He was being manipulative. She was even more glad to be rid of him, but still stayed diplomatic. He did not. He fucked with her time and kept rescheduling their last date until she told him to forget the whole thing. Good riddance and good luck to the new girlfriend. She was sure going to need. it.
They were a little drunk, and she told him that she did like him, and that if he wanted to be exclusive, she would be for him. He told her that her being with other people took the pressure off him, even though he wasn't seeing anyone else. "If you ever feel differently let me know, okay?" She asked him. Mel nodded.
The next day she got a text from Theo. He was going to ask the other girl to be his girlfriend. She immediately texted back that she was happy for him, which she was. Wholeheartedly. Mel had been there for her when Theo just let her fall to the wayside. This was the way things should be.
She told him she felt him pulling away and it was okay, she was glad that he was happy.
"I wasn't trying to pull away seemed like you got busy honestly but you're too special to me I still want to talk to you and hang out."
Then he said he wasn't going to ask her to be his girlfriend right away, and she knew that he was playing games with her. He wanted her to say don't do it. He was being manipulative. She was even more glad to be rid of him, but still stayed diplomatic. He did not. He fucked with her time and kept rescheduling their last date until she told him to forget the whole thing. Good riddance and good luck to the new girlfriend. She was sure going to need. it.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
The Love Bomb
About a month had passed since she started her polyamor-ish lifestyle. Seeing two guys had been oddly freeing. Without the ability to have a Relationship because she was seeing multiple people, her relationships were much more enjoyable. She didn't worry about fixing either one of them, didn't focus on their flaws. Never worried about where it was all going.
When Theo texted her that he started seeing someone else, she almost felt relieved. Not being someone's everything really took the pressure off of the relationship. Because she wanted to be open and honest about everything, she asked him about her. He refused. When pressed he said they'd met on Tinder, and she lived in his apartment complex so it was "convenient" and they were just getting to know each other. He enjoyed spending time with her. She got a little worried that he was doing it to try and make her jealous, but she felt the opposite.
She knew that Mel wasn't seeing anyone else. She was a little worried about that because he seemed to go pretty hard emotionally in his relationships. However, when they were together he seemed to be playing it pretty cool.
JJ kept telling her that Mel was serious, that all he talked about was her. She didn't feel that coming from him when they were together.
Her month got busy. She got stressed with work and taking on too much of the show she was ADing for. Mel stepped up to the plate, waiting for her after rehearsal to have a drink and decompress for the day. She didn't have a lot of spare time, but she looked forward to spending time with him.
Because she couldn't hang out in person, Theo started to pull away. The daily "good morning" and "good night" texts slowed to a stop. She barely noticed with her schedule, but did make a note that if that was something he did when she was stressed, that was another check mark in the negative column for him.
She couldn't wait to see light at the end of the tunnel of this month.
When Theo texted her that he started seeing someone else, she almost felt relieved. Not being someone's everything really took the pressure off of the relationship. Because she wanted to be open and honest about everything, she asked him about her. He refused. When pressed he said they'd met on Tinder, and she lived in his apartment complex so it was "convenient" and they were just getting to know each other. He enjoyed spending time with her. She got a little worried that he was doing it to try and make her jealous, but she felt the opposite.
She knew that Mel wasn't seeing anyone else. She was a little worried about that because he seemed to go pretty hard emotionally in his relationships. However, when they were together he seemed to be playing it pretty cool.
JJ kept telling her that Mel was serious, that all he talked about was her. She didn't feel that coming from him when they were together.
Her month got busy. She got stressed with work and taking on too much of the show she was ADing for. Mel stepped up to the plate, waiting for her after rehearsal to have a drink and decompress for the day. She didn't have a lot of spare time, but she looked forward to spending time with him.
Because she couldn't hang out in person, Theo started to pull away. The daily "good morning" and "good night" texts slowed to a stop. She barely noticed with her schedule, but did make a note that if that was something he did when she was stressed, that was another check mark in the negative column for him.
She couldn't wait to see light at the end of the tunnel of this month.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
The Year of Our Lord
Theo had agreed to meet her at her favorite bar. It was within walking distance, but when the time came she was tired and walked to the parking garage to get her car out.
She found it completely blocked in by new cars on either side of her. She sighed, sucked it up, and walked through the park, texting an apology for how late she was going to be.
Of course, she ended up being there about the same time as a friend of his dropped him off. She winced when she realized, again, that she was there without a car by choice, whereas he still had everyone drive him around.
They had bonded over dead dad stuff before, and they obviously had sexual chemistry. But he had some serious dealbreakers. He'd never learned how to drive and he was 30 years old. He didn't seem to have any kind of idea for his future--he said he was content to just be.
She talked about all these things with him, and he didn't seem to be worried about them not having a future together. He seemed cocksure that he was going to change her mind, win her over.
She told him that if he meant it he could get a license and a car. He complained that it was too expensive, and she pointed out that he made more money than she did, took her out to expensive drinks, so he had plenty of money. All he needed to do was save up a little.
She knew that he wouldn't, and she also knew it wouldn't go that far anyway. She was okay with a casual relationship...in fact it seemed like the perfect thing for right now.
She found it completely blocked in by new cars on either side of her. She sighed, sucked it up, and walked through the park, texting an apology for how late she was going to be.
Of course, she ended up being there about the same time as a friend of his dropped him off. She winced when she realized, again, that she was there without a car by choice, whereas he still had everyone drive him around.
They had bonded over dead dad stuff before, and they obviously had sexual chemistry. But he had some serious dealbreakers. He'd never learned how to drive and he was 30 years old. He didn't seem to have any kind of idea for his future--he said he was content to just be.
She talked about all these things with him, and he didn't seem to be worried about them not having a future together. He seemed cocksure that he was going to change her mind, win her over.
She told him that if he meant it he could get a license and a car. He complained that it was too expensive, and she pointed out that he made more money than she did, took her out to expensive drinks, so he had plenty of money. All he needed to do was save up a little.
She knew that he wouldn't, and she also knew it wouldn't go that far anyway. She was okay with a casual relationship...in fact it seemed like the perfect thing for right now.
Monday, October 2, 2017
Back From the Burn
"Sushi date tonight?" came the text from Mel. He was back earlier than she anticipated, and she was embarrassed to admit she'd missed him. She wasn't sure if it was going to be weird after so much time together. Maybe he'd met someone at Burning Man. Had sex with them. Was no longer interested in her.
It was possible.
He was waiting to pick her up in the back alley again, leaned up against his second vehicle. It bumped around like the back wheel was about to fall off at any moment. She laughed as they went around the corner to hop on the freeway.
They were waiting at a stoplight and the car in front of them suddenly put their car in reverse and back into them. He got out of the car and yelled a little too loudly and the lady who was clearly not from the country. She had a strong accent and didn't seem to understand what the problem was. It was a weird interaction but eventually they were back on their way and he seemed to cheer up.
He was full of Burning Man stories, from this year and year's past. He seemed tired but happy. Everything felt like it was on the right track again with them, and she smiled at him over wasabi and other amazing and spicy fish.
They were too tired to see a movie, again. It didn't matter, they were both okay with how much time they'd spent together. He was still decompressing and tired, and she forgave him. The kiss was still just as passionate as the first time, and she looked forward to the future.
It was possible.
He was waiting to pick her up in the back alley again, leaned up against his second vehicle. It bumped around like the back wheel was about to fall off at any moment. She laughed as they went around the corner to hop on the freeway.
They were waiting at a stoplight and the car in front of them suddenly put their car in reverse and back into them. He got out of the car and yelled a little too loudly and the lady who was clearly not from the country. She had a strong accent and didn't seem to understand what the problem was. It was a weird interaction but eventually they were back on their way and he seemed to cheer up.
He was full of Burning Man stories, from this year and year's past. He seemed tired but happy. Everything felt like it was on the right track again with them, and she smiled at him over wasabi and other amazing and spicy fish.
They were too tired to see a movie, again. It didn't matter, they were both okay with how much time they'd spent together. He was still decompressing and tired, and she forgave him. The kiss was still just as passionate as the first time, and she looked forward to the future.
Monday, September 25, 2017
The Trouble With Mimosas
He looked like a scruffy Theo Huxtable, and they had been writing novellas to each other on the dating site. Their compatibility was only 35%, but the way they could write back and forth was promising. She figured that the guy tried hard enough, she might as well meet up with him and give him a chance.
For the first date, he decided on a breakfast buffet with bottomless mimosas. In fact, he was so eager that he already had their second and third date planned before the first one came up.
She felt his eyes on her body as soon as she walked up, and it made her self-conscious. Even when she was stick-thin she didn't think her body was anything to write home about. She felt herself being reminded of Piz and how desired he had made her feel. So far, this wasn't quite the same.
As the breakfast wore on they kept talking, he kept flirting. He mentioned that he was wearing some satin PJs one night, and she challenged him to wear them on their first date. He said he'd only wear them if she came in a tank top and leggings, which is what she was wearing in the sexy dream he had about her.
They loaded up on mimosas, and only had one plate of food each. Their conversation never experienced pause, and eventually they ended up holding hands over the table. As an ENFP he put her completely at ease. His need for words of affirmation were a little overwhelming for her, but she found herself feeling so comfortable with him.
They ended up sharing their first kiss at the table. His lips were full and sweet, and he was, as promised, a good kisser.
A haze filled swirl of booze and sexual chemistry later, and they ended up in her bed. They ended up going much further than she ever intended, she wasn't sure what had come over her. He was just so sweet, comfortable, and just the right amount of teasing. She couldn't get over how fast it all had gone.
12 hours after the date had started, they had shared a late dinner and she drove him home. He had already planned out their next two dates.
For the first date, he decided on a breakfast buffet with bottomless mimosas. In fact, he was so eager that he already had their second and third date planned before the first one came up.
She felt his eyes on her body as soon as she walked up, and it made her self-conscious. Even when she was stick-thin she didn't think her body was anything to write home about. She felt herself being reminded of Piz and how desired he had made her feel. So far, this wasn't quite the same.
As the breakfast wore on they kept talking, he kept flirting. He mentioned that he was wearing some satin PJs one night, and she challenged him to wear them on their first date. He said he'd only wear them if she came in a tank top and leggings, which is what she was wearing in the sexy dream he had about her.
They loaded up on mimosas, and only had one plate of food each. Their conversation never experienced pause, and eventually they ended up holding hands over the table. As an ENFP he put her completely at ease. His need for words of affirmation were a little overwhelming for her, but she found herself feeling so comfortable with him.
They ended up sharing their first kiss at the table. His lips were full and sweet, and he was, as promised, a good kisser.
A haze filled swirl of booze and sexual chemistry later, and they ended up in her bed. They ended up going much further than she ever intended, she wasn't sure what had come over her. He was just so sweet, comfortable, and just the right amount of teasing. She couldn't get over how fast it all had gone.
12 hours after the date had started, they had shared a late dinner and she drove him home. He had already planned out their next two dates.
Monday, September 4, 2017
Goodbye Breakfast Dates
Mel didn't want to leave for 10 days not seeing her, so he asked to take her to breakfast the morning before he left.
He'd worked a graveyard shift and was blurry eyed when he texted that he was at the base of her building. His sunglasses covered half his face, and he was leaning casually against the side of his car.
He apologized for the traffic that had made him late, and she leaned into him and reached up for a kiss. It was sweet and playful, and any anger he might have had towards the traffic melted away.
The conversation was fun and easy as always. She was always worried they were a few sentences away from not having anything to say to each other anymore, but something interesting always came up. She would always laugh and tell him when he did something stupid, but how cute he was.
She realized he had never taken any of her quizzes and how crazy that seemed. She made a mental note to have him take it when he got back.
He pulled up across the street from her work and parked the car. He sweetly reached for her and kissed her gently, then more intensely. It floored her how sexually charged they were when she hadn't given him a second thought a couple of months ago. She told him to have an amazing time.
She sent him a message that she was already missing him. He sent back "Awwwww, I'm gonna miss you too."
He'd worked a graveyard shift and was blurry eyed when he texted that he was at the base of her building. His sunglasses covered half his face, and he was leaning casually against the side of his car.
He apologized for the traffic that had made him late, and she leaned into him and reached up for a kiss. It was sweet and playful, and any anger he might have had towards the traffic melted away.
The conversation was fun and easy as always. She was always worried they were a few sentences away from not having anything to say to each other anymore, but something interesting always came up. She would always laugh and tell him when he did something stupid, but how cute he was.
She realized he had never taken any of her quizzes and how crazy that seemed. She made a mental note to have him take it when he got back.
He pulled up across the street from her work and parked the car. He sweetly reached for her and kissed her gently, then more intensely. It floored her how sexually charged they were when she hadn't given him a second thought a couple of months ago. She told him to have an amazing time.
She sent him a message that she was already missing him. He sent back "Awwwww, I'm gonna miss you too."
Friday, September 1, 2017
Driving Mr. Drunky
Her head had just hit the pillow, the taste of a good kiss still on her lips, when the intercom for the building rang her phone.
It was 21. He was drunk, alone, and had lost his phone and his ID. She buzzed him up and he was in her bathroom peeing for what felt like forever. He was belligerent, repetitive, and annoying. Without both a phone and an ID, she had no other real choice but to drive him home. She couldn't even put him in an Uber because he couldn't tell her exactly where he lived.
"Far." He said.
They stopped by the bar where he thought he lost his ID and they told him they didn't have it. She drove all the way out to the other side of town where eventually they got to his house. He kept saying all the same things; how drunk he was, how he was missing out on a beautiful boy that he tried to follow into a bar but they wouldn't let him through the door because he didn't have his ID, how his friends had ditched him.
She figured she had nothing to lose and told him he ruined a perfectly awesome night. "What were you doing?"
"Well I was out all night with JJ, and he was a perfect gentleman and we made out at the front of the building. I really wanted that to be the last thing I thought about tonight.
"He wouldn't make out with you? I'll make out with you." 21 responded. "21 I'll never want to make out with you."
He was a mess. Coming home the freeway was closed due to construction, so she took the sides streets home and ended up getting back home close to 6 AM.
She wasted the entire next day sleeping before her dinner plans at 5:30 PM.
It was 21. He was drunk, alone, and had lost his phone and his ID. She buzzed him up and he was in her bathroom peeing for what felt like forever. He was belligerent, repetitive, and annoying. Without both a phone and an ID, she had no other real choice but to drive him home. She couldn't even put him in an Uber because he couldn't tell her exactly where he lived.
"Far." He said.
They stopped by the bar where he thought he lost his ID and they told him they didn't have it. She drove all the way out to the other side of town where eventually they got to his house. He kept saying all the same things; how drunk he was, how he was missing out on a beautiful boy that he tried to follow into a bar but they wouldn't let him through the door because he didn't have his ID, how his friends had ditched him.
She figured she had nothing to lose and told him he ruined a perfectly awesome night. "What were you doing?"
"Well I was out all night with JJ, and he was a perfect gentleman and we made out at the front of the building. I really wanted that to be the last thing I thought about tonight.
"He wouldn't make out with you? I'll make out with you." 21 responded. "21 I'll never want to make out with you."
He was a mess. Coming home the freeway was closed due to construction, so she took the sides streets home and ended up getting back home close to 6 AM.
She wasted the entire next day sleeping before her dinner plans at 5:30 PM.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Loveish Triangles
It was 9PM when she got dropped off from drinks with a friend. Still tipsy she entered her apartment as her phone went off.
"What are you up to?" text from JJ. "Nothing just got home from a couple of drinks."
"Want to go to a house party? I'm just getting out of the show and they are all going." He asked.
"Ummmm, well I'm still a little drunk so you'd have to come pick me up." She said, figuring that would be the end of it, and she sat down on her couch.
"I'll be there in five."
Crap.
She brushed her teeth and came downstairs. As she walked out the front door and looked for him, she spotted him outside of his car on his phone. He looked up and smiled his adorable schoolboy grin and opened the door for her. She made a comment that she knew how to get into a car and he stopped her saying that it was the gentlemanly thing to do.
He promised a friend fries so they went to a drive through that took a long time to get through. While they were waiting he brought up how he didn't like the fact that he was talked about as being a fuckboy on her podcast, anonymously of course.
"Explain it to me. How are you not a player, a Casanova?" She smirked at him.
"I enjoy the company of people, in general. I think they are interesting, and I like getting to know them. Women just aren't used to being treated right."
"You can say that again. There's a whole stand-up about it. I'm not used to it at all. There's a thin line between being yourself, your own person, not needing anyone else...and letting someone do things for you."
"Just accept it. You deserve to be treated well...just let it happen."
Still, in her mind, she resisted. She could hold doors for herself. Getting her own drink was fine. And yet, her main love language was and is Acts of Service...why wouldn't she let herself accept the love she should feel she deserved?
When they arrived at the party she got up to get a drink and JJ stopped her and asked what she wanted. She said that she just wanted some water but she could get it herself. He said he was getting it, and they both said at the exact same time: "We just talked about this."
She sighed and sat down, allowing him to grab her cup of water with tons of ice. It was going to be a hard road to just let him be a gentleman.
She managed to let it ride the whole night. He got her water, flitted around talking to everyone but always came back to her. She was on her phone and he asked who she was talking to, and she said Banana was out downtown with some of her drunk high school friends.
"We could go there."
So they said goodbye to all the remaining people and got back into his truck. Making their way back downtown, they talked more about him not wanting to ever be tied down to one person, actually be in a relationship. He said he'd never want to be in one, and sex just wasn't all that important to him. She smiled as Mel had told her a slightly different version of the story, but she firmly put it into the "not her business" category in her mind.
They got to the bar and realized Banana's friends were beyond wasted. She was trying to get them all to go to the next bar, but it was like herding cats. She and JJ followed them around for awhile, holding hands and he made fun of her hand holding. "You don't interlace the fingers, you hold hands like mittens? My thumb goes on top!" She laughed and they walked until they had round up all of Banana's friends and moved to the next spot.
They spent some time with Banana at the bar, until one of her friends made an insensitive joke. JJ took a minute and stepped outside because he was angry at the joke. She brushed it off because not only was the joke not funny, but he was too drunk to know what he was talking about. JJ came back in and ordered a water, drained it quickly, and then put his hand on her knee. He played with the fabric on her dress until he had moved it aside and caressed her bare knee. Suddenly, he squeezed it playfully to get her attention.
"Ready to go?"
It was around 3:45 in the morning, so she figured it was time. They had raged hard enough, even though she felt perfectly sober.
He held open the door of his truck for her, and they breezed along the half mile to her apartment. He hopped out of the car, opened her door for her, and grabbed her hand again as he walked her to the front door of the building.
He reached out and kissed her, and they made out for a little while. She was glad to have the redemption of another round of kissing where she wasn't sloppy drunk, but she found his kisses to be...not as bold as she would've liked. Still, it was pleasant to have a guy who wanted to kiss her, even if it wasn't ever going to go anywhere.
She was smiling as she went upstairs, got on her PJs, and put her head hit the pillow.
Then her phone rang. It was the intercom system for the building.
It was 5AM.
She hesitated, then answered.
"What are you up to?" text from JJ. "Nothing just got home from a couple of drinks."
"Want to go to a house party? I'm just getting out of the show and they are all going." He asked.
"Ummmm, well I'm still a little drunk so you'd have to come pick me up." She said, figuring that would be the end of it, and she sat down on her couch.
"I'll be there in five."
Crap.
She brushed her teeth and came downstairs. As she walked out the front door and looked for him, she spotted him outside of his car on his phone. He looked up and smiled his adorable schoolboy grin and opened the door for her. She made a comment that she knew how to get into a car and he stopped her saying that it was the gentlemanly thing to do.
He promised a friend fries so they went to a drive through that took a long time to get through. While they were waiting he brought up how he didn't like the fact that he was talked about as being a fuckboy on her podcast, anonymously of course.
"Explain it to me. How are you not a player, a Casanova?" She smirked at him.
"I enjoy the company of people, in general. I think they are interesting, and I like getting to know them. Women just aren't used to being treated right."
"You can say that again. There's a whole stand-up about it. I'm not used to it at all. There's a thin line between being yourself, your own person, not needing anyone else...and letting someone do things for you."
"Just accept it. You deserve to be treated well...just let it happen."
Still, in her mind, she resisted. She could hold doors for herself. Getting her own drink was fine. And yet, her main love language was and is Acts of Service...why wouldn't she let herself accept the love she should feel she deserved?
When they arrived at the party she got up to get a drink and JJ stopped her and asked what she wanted. She said that she just wanted some water but she could get it herself. He said he was getting it, and they both said at the exact same time: "We just talked about this."
She sighed and sat down, allowing him to grab her cup of water with tons of ice. It was going to be a hard road to just let him be a gentleman.
She managed to let it ride the whole night. He got her water, flitted around talking to everyone but always came back to her. She was on her phone and he asked who she was talking to, and she said Banana was out downtown with some of her drunk high school friends.
"We could go there."
So they said goodbye to all the remaining people and got back into his truck. Making their way back downtown, they talked more about him not wanting to ever be tied down to one person, actually be in a relationship. He said he'd never want to be in one, and sex just wasn't all that important to him. She smiled as Mel had told her a slightly different version of the story, but she firmly put it into the "not her business" category in her mind.
They got to the bar and realized Banana's friends were beyond wasted. She was trying to get them all to go to the next bar, but it was like herding cats. She and JJ followed them around for awhile, holding hands and he made fun of her hand holding. "You don't interlace the fingers, you hold hands like mittens? My thumb goes on top!" She laughed and they walked until they had round up all of Banana's friends and moved to the next spot.
They spent some time with Banana at the bar, until one of her friends made an insensitive joke. JJ took a minute and stepped outside because he was angry at the joke. She brushed it off because not only was the joke not funny, but he was too drunk to know what he was talking about. JJ came back in and ordered a water, drained it quickly, and then put his hand on her knee. He played with the fabric on her dress until he had moved it aside and caressed her bare knee. Suddenly, he squeezed it playfully to get her attention.
"Ready to go?"
It was around 3:45 in the morning, so she figured it was time. They had raged hard enough, even though she felt perfectly sober.
He held open the door of his truck for her, and they breezed along the half mile to her apartment. He hopped out of the car, opened her door for her, and grabbed her hand again as he walked her to the front door of the building.
He reached out and kissed her, and they made out for a little while. She was glad to have the redemption of another round of kissing where she wasn't sloppy drunk, but she found his kisses to be...not as bold as she would've liked. Still, it was pleasant to have a guy who wanted to kiss her, even if it wasn't ever going to go anywhere.
She was smiling as she went upstairs, got on her PJs, and put her head hit the pillow.
Then her phone rang. It was the intercom system for the building.
It was 5AM.
She hesitated, then answered.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Chill 3rd Date
The maybe romance had been whirlwind. Already on their third date, he said he felt like they should go on a normal one and get dinner and a movie.
They decided on a pizza place next to the theatre and got to talking about his upcoming trip. His eyes got excited as he talked about it, and how he'd love to take his kids someday. A little piece of her twinged, knowing that they'd never really end up long hauling it because she was pretty much past child bearing age at this point.
They missed the movie again, and he said he could just take her home or they could go out for a drink. She said she was down for either one, but sensed he just wanted to go home. Instead, they stopped at one of her favorite bars to get a drink.
They sat outside and amused themselves by watching the drunk people walking by. After one drink he said he would take her home.
In the car, he confessed he started not feeling well in the middle of dinner.
"Oh my gosh, why didn't you just tell me so that you could've just taken me home? I feel bad!"
He grinned shyly and said, "I wanted to spend more time with you."
She blushed. "You are so cute."
"I'm just gonna stop in the alley way and give you a quick kiss goodnight, is that okay?" He asked.
It was.
Later on she realized it was the last time she'd see him for a couple of weeks. She got a little sad.
They decided on a pizza place next to the theatre and got to talking about his upcoming trip. His eyes got excited as he talked about it, and how he'd love to take his kids someday. A little piece of her twinged, knowing that they'd never really end up long hauling it because she was pretty much past child bearing age at this point.
They missed the movie again, and he said he could just take her home or they could go out for a drink. She said she was down for either one, but sensed he just wanted to go home. Instead, they stopped at one of her favorite bars to get a drink.
They sat outside and amused themselves by watching the drunk people walking by. After one drink he said he would take her home.
In the car, he confessed he started not feeling well in the middle of dinner.
"Oh my gosh, why didn't you just tell me so that you could've just taken me home? I feel bad!"
He grinned shyly and said, "I wanted to spend more time with you."
She blushed. "You are so cute."
"I'm just gonna stop in the alley way and give you a quick kiss goodnight, is that okay?" He asked.
It was.
Later on she realized it was the last time she'd see him for a couple of weeks. She got a little sad.
Friday, August 25, 2017
Hotel Life
Mel texted the weekend after their first date. "I got a room at the big resort for the next two nights so I'm staying there. Want to come to the hotel bar for a drink? My treat of course."
It was a weeknight, and she hesitated before reminding herself that her life was her own and she could do what she wanted to do. So what if she was a little tired at work the next day? She was an adult.
She got there just as last call was happening at the bar. She ordered a dirty martini that he adorably turned his nose up at. For being a bartender and a wedding DJ, he certainly didn't appreciate the strong booze.
They talked and laughed and finished their drinks. He was a little shy when suggesting that they get another drink and take it up to the room.
"Just as long as you get that I'm not having sex with you up there." She said, stern but smiling.
"I'm not expecting anything...well maybe some light making out." He smiled back.
The room had a big kitchen, a living room, a huge bathroom, and a doorless bedroom. She was impressed and went to the window to check out the view. About a minute later he came up behind her and reached down and hugged her from behind. She felt a bit of a stab in her heart as she realized that she and Piz had done that with her view all the time. She tried to shake off the feeling.
"You know the LED screen on the side of this building lights up my entire apartment? It's insane."
"Seriously? You are like halfway across town, that's crazy!"
"Right?"
A comfortable silence came between them, and soon he turned her around and kissed her. The kissing intensified, and she felt him gently guiding her towards the bedroom. She playfully called him on it and he looked ashamed as she laughed and led him by the hand into the bedroom to the bed, kicking off her shoes as she went.
Soon enough his hands were under her shirt, and she told him about her quid pro quo. She took his shirt off and he struggled with her sports bra and she giggled at him.
They wore each other out without anyone's pants coming off, and they fell into cuddling soon after.
His phone kept going off and she grabbed it and downloaded apps that made his phone better. She texted with JJ and laughed as JJ told Mel about her sexual preferences that he had gleaned from her podcast. Mel laughed and said that JJ was his best friend.
About an hour after falling asleep she woke up uncomfortable. Her thyroid had been burned out and she felt like she got hit by a truck.
She was sort of done with being there. She gave him a kiss, slightly waking him up, and told him that she was going home. He wanted to walk her to her car, and she told him to just go back to sleep. He asked her to text him when he was home safe, which she did. It was a pretty racy but awesome second date.
It was a weeknight, and she hesitated before reminding herself that her life was her own and she could do what she wanted to do. So what if she was a little tired at work the next day? She was an adult.
She got there just as last call was happening at the bar. She ordered a dirty martini that he adorably turned his nose up at. For being a bartender and a wedding DJ, he certainly didn't appreciate the strong booze.
They talked and laughed and finished their drinks. He was a little shy when suggesting that they get another drink and take it up to the room.
"Just as long as you get that I'm not having sex with you up there." She said, stern but smiling.
"I'm not expecting anything...well maybe some light making out." He smiled back.
The room had a big kitchen, a living room, a huge bathroom, and a doorless bedroom. She was impressed and went to the window to check out the view. About a minute later he came up behind her and reached down and hugged her from behind. She felt a bit of a stab in her heart as she realized that she and Piz had done that with her view all the time. She tried to shake off the feeling.
"You know the LED screen on the side of this building lights up my entire apartment? It's insane."
"Seriously? You are like halfway across town, that's crazy!"
"Right?"
A comfortable silence came between them, and soon he turned her around and kissed her. The kissing intensified, and she felt him gently guiding her towards the bedroom. She playfully called him on it and he looked ashamed as she laughed and led him by the hand into the bedroom to the bed, kicking off her shoes as she went.
Soon enough his hands were under her shirt, and she told him about her quid pro quo. She took his shirt off and he struggled with her sports bra and she giggled at him.
They wore each other out without anyone's pants coming off, and they fell into cuddling soon after.
His phone kept going off and she grabbed it and downloaded apps that made his phone better. She texted with JJ and laughed as JJ told Mel about her sexual preferences that he had gleaned from her podcast. Mel laughed and said that JJ was his best friend.
About an hour after falling asleep she woke up uncomfortable. Her thyroid had been burned out and she felt like she got hit by a truck.
She was sort of done with being there. She gave him a kiss, slightly waking him up, and told him that she was going home. He wanted to walk her to her car, and she told him to just go back to sleep. He asked her to text him when he was home safe, which she did. It was a pretty racy but awesome second date.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
Meteor Showers of Feels
There was a lot of buzz around the meteor shower, and she loved going out and watching them. She and the ex had been in an astronomy class together in college. She smiled as she remembered everyone cheating off him in the final.
If she wanted to be friends with him she was going to have to do the hard things. She texted him and asked if he was busy. He was so clueless that he didn't even know a meteor shower was going on.
As they drove out to the middle of nowhere, it was very reminiscent of the wedding they went to awhile back. The conversation was raw, hard. She talked about how much she felt like the divorce was a death.
He took a big breath before telling her that he loved so much that she was able to put what he was feeling into words. She had almost forgotten that she had left him without an emotion interpreter. He'd never been good at it, but then again he almost never had them at all.
Until she brought all of them upon him.
She guessed that the guilt wasn't over with yet.
If she wanted to be friends with him she was going to have to do the hard things. She texted him and asked if he was busy. He was so clueless that he didn't even know a meteor shower was going on.
As they drove out to the middle of nowhere, it was very reminiscent of the wedding they went to awhile back. The conversation was raw, hard. She talked about how much she felt like the divorce was a death.
He took a big breath before telling her that he loved so much that she was able to put what he was feeling into words. She had almost forgotten that she had left him without an emotion interpreter. He'd never been good at it, but then again he almost never had them at all.
Until she brought all of them upon him.
She guessed that the guilt wasn't over with yet.
Monday, August 21, 2017
Dating Trickery
"I always have a fun time when you are around!"
Mel had worn her down with his boyish charm and she agreed to go see a movie with him. Friendly, innocent...seemed okay.
"Do you want to grab some food before the movie?"
Well, she was going to be hungry after work. She could eat.
Then he suggested sushi. "Crap," she thought. It was a date.
"I can't really afford sushi. I can do tacos or pizza."
"It's all my treat! I'm down for sushi if you are. I'll just take it easy with my mouth, I was at the dentist this morning."
"You don't need to do that." She said. He persisted.
She didn't mean to...but she was going on a date.
They missed the movie while eating sushi and talking. They walked down the street to a late night coffee house and continue to talk. He was so earnest and shy, and more introverted than she expected him to be. Her heart softened towards him, as it had a couple of years ago when she held him while he cried about his ex-girlfriend coming to their show.
He walked her home, back to the alley that she jokingly referred to as "the scene of the crime."
His 6'2" stance widened as they talked at her door.
"Well," He said, "Since you didn't want this to be a date, I won't kiss you goodnight."
Her eyebrow raised and her voice laughed as she said "Really? Really?"
"Well...okay then." He grabbed her and the kiss was electric. Just like the first time.
"Do it again soon?" He asked.
"Yes please" she replied.
Mel had worn her down with his boyish charm and she agreed to go see a movie with him. Friendly, innocent...seemed okay.
"Do you want to grab some food before the movie?"
Well, she was going to be hungry after work. She could eat.
Then he suggested sushi. "Crap," she thought. It was a date.
"I can't really afford sushi. I can do tacos or pizza."
"It's all my treat! I'm down for sushi if you are. I'll just take it easy with my mouth, I was at the dentist this morning."
"You don't need to do that." She said. He persisted.
She didn't mean to...but she was going on a date.
They missed the movie while eating sushi and talking. They walked down the street to a late night coffee house and continue to talk. He was so earnest and shy, and more introverted than she expected him to be. Her heart softened towards him, as it had a couple of years ago when she held him while he cried about his ex-girlfriend coming to their show.
He walked her home, back to the alley that she jokingly referred to as "the scene of the crime."
His 6'2" stance widened as they talked at her door.
"Well," He said, "Since you didn't want this to be a date, I won't kiss you goodnight."
Her eyebrow raised and her voice laughed as she said "Really? Really?"
"Well...okay then." He grabbed her and the kiss was electric. Just like the first time.
"Do it again soon?" He asked.
"Yes please" she replied.
Friday, August 18, 2017
You Can Go Home Again
She felt sad, then numb. The divorce had gone through. It was over. It was just a piece of paper, but PJ was right, it felt different.
She went out to coffee with a friend after work, and they talked about everything they could talk about besides her divorce. It was nice and refreshing, as they hadn't spent time together too much until that night.
She put on her headphones and started the walk home and decided to take a different path, through a road with very little streetlights and tons of trees.
It was calming and relaxing to walk through the closest thing she got to nature. She realized about halfway home, that she was actually heading home.
That studio was actually where she lived. This was the first time she had called it home in her mind and headed there. She had the sudden realization that she was, blissfully, alone. Her decisions were her own. Her choices didn't change anyone else's reality anymore. She was, albeit calmly, free.
She no longer felt like going on the dating sites. She didn't feel that insane push to prove that she was worthy of being loved anymore. The pressure melted away. The judgment from everyone else faded.
She was finally home, in herself, for the first time in her life.
It was a nice feeling.
She went out to coffee with a friend after work, and they talked about everything they could talk about besides her divorce. It was nice and refreshing, as they hadn't spent time together too much until that night.
She put on her headphones and started the walk home and decided to take a different path, through a road with very little streetlights and tons of trees.
It was calming and relaxing to walk through the closest thing she got to nature. She realized about halfway home, that she was actually heading home.
That studio was actually where she lived. This was the first time she had called it home in her mind and headed there. She had the sudden realization that she was, blissfully, alone. Her decisions were her own. Her choices didn't change anyone else's reality anymore. She was, albeit calmly, free.
She no longer felt like going on the dating sites. She didn't feel that insane push to prove that she was worthy of being loved anymore. The pressure melted away. The judgment from everyone else faded.
She was finally home, in herself, for the first time in her life.
It was a nice feeling.
Wednesday, August 16, 2017
D-Day
"Got the divorce proclamation from the judge today. That went a lot quicker than I thought." Her ex texted her.
She felt a stab go through her heart. She'd just checked the website a couple of days ago and it wasn't even loaded on yet.
"I'm surprised we didn't have to go in" He texted.
She wondered if the letter was sitting in her mailbox. The other night she'd been so drunk she tried to open her front door with her mail key and bent it, so she hadn't gotten mail in a little over a week.
"I guess that's it then?" She asked.
"I guess so..." He answered.
"I'm really sorry" she responded.
"I know. Me too."
She felt a stab go through her heart. She'd just checked the website a couple of days ago and it wasn't even loaded on yet.
"I'm surprised we didn't have to go in" He texted.
She wondered if the letter was sitting in her mailbox. The other night she'd been so drunk she tried to open her front door with her mail key and bent it, so she hadn't gotten mail in a little over a week.
"I guess that's it then?" She asked.
"I guess so..." He answered.
"I'm really sorry" she responded.
"I know. Me too."
Monday, August 14, 2017
Friends in Low Places
It had been an insane Saturday.
She spent a fair amount of time in bed that morning, continuing to fall asleep until she had to get up to go to Banana's play. She was running later than she felt comfortable, but as it turned out there were people still buying tickets when she arrived.
She walked into the theatre and the volunteer asked if she knew where she was sitting. She started to say that she thought so but would like a little help.
No more than a couple of sentences into her explanation she glanced up to see JJ. He grinned and slowly reached over and patted the seat next to his.
She returned his smile and told the volunteer that her seating arrangement had suddenly changed.
"I'm so hungover. We kept drinking and walked a mile to the bar that MG had driven to after dropping you off."
"Ya'll are crazy. I don't know how you put up with 21 that long. He's a handful."
JJ shrugged. "I like people who talk."
"Then why do you like me?" She laughed at him.
"Well I don't only like them."
He bought her chips for "their" hangover during intermission, then had to sneak out afterward because he had another social commitment.
She hugged Banana and congratulated her on her role of the lifetime, then had to move onto her next social commitment.
Her co-workers were waiting for her at the restaurant. She declined a cocktail at dinner, and they went on to see KSL's show. It hit her a little hard again as she watched, and there was a song about how his character had never been alone before, and it obviously struck a nerve. She was afraid of when the paperwork went through and she'd be all alone, for the first time in her life.
She left her co-workers and went downstairs to say hi to the cast. KSL gave her a warm hug, and it was the first time in a long time they had hugged. She buried her face in his chest and breathed in. His smell hit her with a powerful nostalgia. He commented on how good the hug had been, and they went in for another.
"You okay?" He asked her. She shook her head no. All the sensations from the papers filed weighed down on her. It was as if all the sentiments from the last year were concentrated in this moment.
"You need to talk?" He asked, already on high alert. She wanted to say no but ended up nodding her head. He said he needed to speak with some people first and then they could head out. She ended up talking to the musical director about the show, and she shared that it was hitting her harder because of the divorce. The musical director was shocked that they had been separated at all, so it was extra difficult to talk about. Eventually, the director left and she was chatting it up for awhile with the bartenders.
She heard KSL laugh over where he was surrounded by people, and her heart sank. She didn't want to do this to him anymore. He was having fun and she was being a burden. She said goodbye to the bartenders and left.
Halfway home she felt guilty that she'd left without a word, and texted him that she was going home. He texted a few minutes later that he was done, and came up for a drink. They talked and watched fireworks from her balcony, and she shared the feelings she was grappling with in regards to the divorce.
She joked about having celebration sex because she just got her results back and she was std free. He said he knew she was kidding, and she kept quiet because she didn't want to start anything or have any sex bruises before the sex with Nameless next week. She needed that to happen to take her mind off everything, and she was really starting to miss him.
She and KSL went to Wal-mart for thank you notes for him and milk for her, and on the way he mentioned the Memorial Day trip she didn't write about. He wanted to know if it was because she was angry about it when in reality nothing had really happened. They had gone to the lesser known lake to hang and found it crazy busy, so they kept driving and went to Ikea and to sushi, where he claimed to have gotten violently ill even though they ate all the same things and she felt fine.
Looking back she realized maybe that was why she'd forgotten to write about it. He'd managed to make her feel bad about the entire trip so she put the whole day out of her mind. It was crazy how good they had gotten at their friendship, but there were still an insane amount of land mines to avoid.
She spent a fair amount of time in bed that morning, continuing to fall asleep until she had to get up to go to Banana's play. She was running later than she felt comfortable, but as it turned out there were people still buying tickets when she arrived.
She walked into the theatre and the volunteer asked if she knew where she was sitting. She started to say that she thought so but would like a little help.
No more than a couple of sentences into her explanation she glanced up to see JJ. He grinned and slowly reached over and patted the seat next to his.
She returned his smile and told the volunteer that her seating arrangement had suddenly changed.
"I'm so hungover. We kept drinking and walked a mile to the bar that MG had driven to after dropping you off."
"Ya'll are crazy. I don't know how you put up with 21 that long. He's a handful."
JJ shrugged. "I like people who talk."
"Then why do you like me?" She laughed at him.
"Well I don't only like them."
He bought her chips for "their" hangover during intermission, then had to sneak out afterward because he had another social commitment.
She hugged Banana and congratulated her on her role of the lifetime, then had to move onto her next social commitment.
Her co-workers were waiting for her at the restaurant. She declined a cocktail at dinner, and they went on to see KSL's show. It hit her a little hard again as she watched, and there was a song about how his character had never been alone before, and it obviously struck a nerve. She was afraid of when the paperwork went through and she'd be all alone, for the first time in her life.
She left her co-workers and went downstairs to say hi to the cast. KSL gave her a warm hug, and it was the first time in a long time they had hugged. She buried her face in his chest and breathed in. His smell hit her with a powerful nostalgia. He commented on how good the hug had been, and they went in for another.
"You okay?" He asked her. She shook her head no. All the sensations from the papers filed weighed down on her. It was as if all the sentiments from the last year were concentrated in this moment.
"You need to talk?" He asked, already on high alert. She wanted to say no but ended up nodding her head. He said he needed to speak with some people first and then they could head out. She ended up talking to the musical director about the show, and she shared that it was hitting her harder because of the divorce. The musical director was shocked that they had been separated at all, so it was extra difficult to talk about. Eventually, the director left and she was chatting it up for awhile with the bartenders.
She heard KSL laugh over where he was surrounded by people, and her heart sank. She didn't want to do this to him anymore. He was having fun and she was being a burden. She said goodbye to the bartenders and left.
Halfway home she felt guilty that she'd left without a word, and texted him that she was going home. He texted a few minutes later that he was done, and came up for a drink. They talked and watched fireworks from her balcony, and she shared the feelings she was grappling with in regards to the divorce.
She joked about having celebration sex because she just got her results back and she was std free. He said he knew she was kidding, and she kept quiet because she didn't want to start anything or have any sex bruises before the sex with Nameless next week. She needed that to happen to take her mind off everything, and she was really starting to miss him.
She and KSL went to Wal-mart for thank you notes for him and milk for her, and on the way he mentioned the Memorial Day trip she didn't write about. He wanted to know if it was because she was angry about it when in reality nothing had really happened. They had gone to the lesser known lake to hang and found it crazy busy, so they kept driving and went to Ikea and to sushi, where he claimed to have gotten violently ill even though they ate all the same things and she felt fine.
Looking back she realized maybe that was why she'd forgotten to write about it. He'd managed to make her feel bad about the entire trip so she put the whole day out of her mind. It was crazy how good they had gotten at their friendship, but there were still an insane amount of land mines to avoid.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
A Little Too Much Fun
It was 21's birthday again, and they decided to have another epic night of drinking, sans DUI this time.
Everyone had their shows to perform/direct/attend, so they all decided to meet up later in the night. Acrobat and SD crapped out just before everyone was supposed to meet up, so it ended up being their directors from the show last year, MG, and a mutual friend JJ.
She and JJ had been flirting almost since they met a couple of years ago. It was purely innocent and sweet, and she enjoyed his company. He had been there for the Harmless Fun night, where she told him she'd make out with him if he came. He accidentally brought a friend, rendering making out null and void, which is why she ended up making out with the other boy.
She remembered making out with JJ, and 21 trying to make out with her...but the rest of the night, up to a certain point, was a blur. MG informed her that at a certain point she had fallen asleep on a toilet.
She decided that it was time to stop abusing alcohol so much. She had a bad week and deserved to act out a bit...but the time was over.
Everyone had their shows to perform/direct/attend, so they all decided to meet up later in the night. Acrobat and SD crapped out just before everyone was supposed to meet up, so it ended up being their directors from the show last year, MG, and a mutual friend JJ.
She and JJ had been flirting almost since they met a couple of years ago. It was purely innocent and sweet, and she enjoyed his company. He had been there for the Harmless Fun night, where she told him she'd make out with him if he came. He accidentally brought a friend, rendering making out null and void, which is why she ended up making out with the other boy.
She remembered making out with JJ, and 21 trying to make out with her...but the rest of the night, up to a certain point, was a blur. MG informed her that at a certain point she had fallen asleep on a toilet.
She decided that it was time to stop abusing alcohol so much. She had a bad week and deserved to act out a bit...but the time was over.
Monday, August 7, 2017
Mountains of Haze
It was Fire Season. Even though they'd had a great, wet winter...the summer had turned dry and there were fires all around the surrounding area. The last few days had filled the valley with smoke.
One morning she woke up, and for the third day in a row she couldn't see the mountains.
She hadn't realized until then how much she had counted on them to be there. She became anxious and felt exposed. It was like a blanket that had been ripped away from her and she grew cold.
It had been quite a week of emotions too. Getting to be okay with Nameless and where they were heading...coming to terms with the fact that she had made out with someone without any sort of emotions attached to it.
On her end, anyway.
Mel had messaged her, asking what she was doing on Saturday, a mere 8 days after the incident. He was marching in a Pride Parade and wanted her to come. She told him she had breakfast plans with the Unicorn and then a facial later that day. He then asked what she was doing Friday. Luckily she had plans to go out drinking with her Maid of Honor.
"If you don't want to go just tell him that. If it hurts his feelings he'll get over it." JJ advised her.
"I've just seen him get really emotional and over attached." She messaged back.
"Oh yeah. Definitely. But like I said, if you're not feeling it then just tell him."
"I did. Guess I'll have to keep doing it."
One morning she woke up, and for the third day in a row she couldn't see the mountains.
She hadn't realized until then how much she had counted on them to be there. She became anxious and felt exposed. It was like a blanket that had been ripped away from her and she grew cold.
It had been quite a week of emotions too. Getting to be okay with Nameless and where they were heading...coming to terms with the fact that she had made out with someone without any sort of emotions attached to it.
On her end, anyway.
Mel had messaged her, asking what she was doing on Saturday, a mere 8 days after the incident. He was marching in a Pride Parade and wanted her to come. She told him she had breakfast plans with the Unicorn and then a facial later that day. He then asked what she was doing Friday. Luckily she had plans to go out drinking with her Maid of Honor.
"If you don't want to go just tell him that. If it hurts his feelings he'll get over it." JJ advised her.
"I've just seen him get really emotional and over attached." She messaged back.
"Oh yeah. Definitely. But like I said, if you're not feeling it then just tell him."
"I did. Guess I'll have to keep doing it."
Friday, August 4, 2017
Murder on the 16th Floor
As it turned out, the paperwork they had filled out was the wrong one. She forwarded the correct paperwork to him, asked him to fill it out and give it to her mother, as she was seeing her the following Sunday.
Sunday came around and her mother brought all her junk mail, but was missing the divorce paperwork. She claimed to have not known about it at all.
She texted the ex and asked him where it was, as now she was going to have to drive all the way back to her mother's house to get it. He made the limp excuse that he thought she was swinging by anyway and he had left it on the kitchen table. Her mother's hoarder style dining room table. It was going to take her a decade to find it.
She was already running late, so she found the paperwork and left without seeing anyone in the house. Her sister and her boyfriend were out, and her ex wasn't home either.
The next day she went to the court. She ended being up in the wrong office, but they told her to go to the aid office to have them check the paperwork before going over to the correct building.
Smart move, because it turned out that she actually needed a friend to sign a portion saying that she had lived in the state for the appropriate amount of time. She also needed to be at work in the next half hour.
In a panic, she called SD who she knew had the day off. She was out, but said "Just sign my name to it, no bigs."
She wasn't about to forge a legal document that meant so much to her.
She messaged everyone she could think of, and even considered going into work early to see if a co-worker would do it. She walked down the street next to where she and KSL had their first D&M, sat down and tried to control her tears. For a fleeting moment she considered KSL who also had the day off. She shrugged it off almost immediately, as he didn't even have a working car to reach her to sign anything. If she didn't get everything signed then the dates were wrong and she'd have to start all over.
Finally she got a hold of Goldie who was coming back from a treatment and was feeling nauseous. She was a true friend and stopped by her work to fill out the paperwork for her.
Then during her lunch break, she walked back over to the right place, paid $400, and filed the paperwork.
She immediately felt a wave of regret, guilt, and utter sadness. There had been a murder, and she was a criminal.
Sunday came around and her mother brought all her junk mail, but was missing the divorce paperwork. She claimed to have not known about it at all.
She texted the ex and asked him where it was, as now she was going to have to drive all the way back to her mother's house to get it. He made the limp excuse that he thought she was swinging by anyway and he had left it on the kitchen table. Her mother's hoarder style dining room table. It was going to take her a decade to find it.
She was already running late, so she found the paperwork and left without seeing anyone in the house. Her sister and her boyfriend were out, and her ex wasn't home either.
The next day she went to the court. She ended being up in the wrong office, but they told her to go to the aid office to have them check the paperwork before going over to the correct building.
Smart move, because it turned out that she actually needed a friend to sign a portion saying that she had lived in the state for the appropriate amount of time. She also needed to be at work in the next half hour.
In a panic, she called SD who she knew had the day off. She was out, but said "Just sign my name to it, no bigs."
She wasn't about to forge a legal document that meant so much to her.
She messaged everyone she could think of, and even considered going into work early to see if a co-worker would do it. She walked down the street next to where she and KSL had their first D&M, sat down and tried to control her tears. For a fleeting moment she considered KSL who also had the day off. She shrugged it off almost immediately, as he didn't even have a working car to reach her to sign anything. If she didn't get everything signed then the dates were wrong and she'd have to start all over.
Finally she got a hold of Goldie who was coming back from a treatment and was feeling nauseous. She was a true friend and stopped by her work to fill out the paperwork for her.
Then during her lunch break, she walked back over to the right place, paid $400, and filed the paperwork.
She immediately felt a wave of regret, guilt, and utter sadness. There had been a murder, and she was a criminal.
Wednesday, August 2, 2017
Pesky Memories
Facebook memories dredged up the bitter reminder of how one year ago, she made her split Facebook Official.
It took her by surprise so much that she slumped down into her couch, and slowly felt herself unravel. This had officially gone on long enough. She cried, for 20 solid minutes...before texting her ex.
"Well Facebook is a real asshole and reminded me that it's been a year since we told everyone we were done. I can't stop crying."
Seconds later her phone started to ring. It was her ex.
They talked, cried, and hyperventilated with each other for 4 hours.
The question that she had been dreading for over a year finally came.
"Are you sure this is what you want? Can't you give me another chance?"
She drew a ragged breath. Tears again filled her eyes as she struggled to remain strong.
"If I gave you another chance....and the same thing happened again"
He interrupted. "You'd have every right to be mad at me then."
"You think this is about mad, about hate?" She asked him. She didn't wait for an answer. "It's never been about that. It's about love. If I gave you another chance and the same thing happened, I would be devastated. Devastated. I don't have the strength to leave you a second time. If the same thing happened...I would end my life. Please don't think I'm exaggerating, I'm not saying this to be dramatic."
"I still think about you everyday."
"I still feel guilty everyday."
They decided to get together to sign the paperwork in a few days.
It took her by surprise so much that she slumped down into her couch, and slowly felt herself unravel. This had officially gone on long enough. She cried, for 20 solid minutes...before texting her ex.
"Well Facebook is a real asshole and reminded me that it's been a year since we told everyone we were done. I can't stop crying."
Seconds later her phone started to ring. It was her ex.
They talked, cried, and hyperventilated with each other for 4 hours.
The question that she had been dreading for over a year finally came.
"Are you sure this is what you want? Can't you give me another chance?"
She drew a ragged breath. Tears again filled her eyes as she struggled to remain strong.
"If I gave you another chance....and the same thing happened again"
He interrupted. "You'd have every right to be mad at me then."
"You think this is about mad, about hate?" She asked him. She didn't wait for an answer. "It's never been about that. It's about love. If I gave you another chance and the same thing happened, I would be devastated. Devastated. I don't have the strength to leave you a second time. If the same thing happened...I would end my life. Please don't think I'm exaggerating, I'm not saying this to be dramatic."
"I still think about you everyday."
"I still feel guilty everyday."
They decided to get together to sign the paperwork in a few days.
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