Before Catfishing was a real thing, she lied about her age on the internet. She rationalized that she was taking college courses despite being a junior in high school, so she was really just stretching the truth when she said she was in college. She WAS in college, just...part time and semi-illegally.
He was her constant, her best friend. She eventually came clean with him, and he was forgiving. She hadn't lied about anything else, and neither had he. They met in person years later, him doing the cool guy lean against a parking meter on the Haight, her chiding him immediately for hiding his face when meeting someone from the internet. There shared everything with each other, not only that light but for years afterward. He never judged her or pushed her to be something she wasn't. He was the only one in her life that accepted her exactly as she was. Was it because he didn't have to see her everyday? Maybe.
Her good friend said that he had a crush on her in college. She didn't believe he did, because he never made a move or brought it up in conversation. When you had the computer to buffer, you say all kinds of things that you wouldn't be able to in person. But it put it into her head, and she was worried. She didn't want to ruin the relationship. He was her Yes Man. He validated her choices in a way no one else ever did.
Then, years ago, he decided to drop off the face of the earth. He got married and didn't tell her about it until afterwards. No one knew what he was up to anymore, but she missed him, now more than ever. She was doubting herself in ways that she never had. She needed her friend back.
It entered her mind that not pursuing a relationship with him might have been a mistake. She imaged how her life would have been with him. He was never going to make big money, but he would have made her a priority and made sure she was taken care of. He would have made sure that she felt loved everyday, telling her that even when they were apart they were under the same moon. She would have lived in the bay area like she always wanted, stayed close to home. Maybe he was her favorite mistake.
Friday, November 27, 2015
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Extra Firm
It had been a rough day.
Her husband had agreed to buying KSL's King size bed to replace their horrible California King. Ever since moving something was wrong with the bed. They tried rotating it, but she still felt like she was sleeping in a hole. Along with everything else going on, not sleeping was not helping her mental state. Her husband didn't really seem to care.
Once she called upon him to get the money for the bed, he found fault in the plan. They went back and forth about the space or how he would be uncomfortable with a shorter bed. She ended up contacting KSL and saying that she couldn't take the bed.
She had a moment of crisis after he left. Was she being too sensitive about the situation, where he didn't care about her comfort, or at least not above his own? She felt as if she was no longer a priority in his life. She wondered if it was because she asked for money. When it was reversed, he wasn't willing to share? Was this going to end up being the deal breaker? Would she feel like she was making a mistake if she asked him to leave? Would he even care?
She still loved him, but she no longer felt any love in return.
Her husband had agreed to buying KSL's King size bed to replace their horrible California King. Ever since moving something was wrong with the bed. They tried rotating it, but she still felt like she was sleeping in a hole. Along with everything else going on, not sleeping was not helping her mental state. Her husband didn't really seem to care.
Once she called upon him to get the money for the bed, he found fault in the plan. They went back and forth about the space or how he would be uncomfortable with a shorter bed. She ended up contacting KSL and saying that she couldn't take the bed.
She had a moment of crisis after he left. Was she being too sensitive about the situation, where he didn't care about her comfort, or at least not above his own? She felt as if she was no longer a priority in his life. She wondered if it was because she asked for money. When it was reversed, he wasn't willing to share? Was this going to end up being the deal breaker? Would she feel like she was making a mistake if she asked him to leave? Would he even care?
She still loved him, but she no longer felt any love in return.
Friday, November 13, 2015
...tequila
She had a plan. Just because she was unemployed did not mean she was at everyone's beck and call. She wanted to do two loads of laundry, take a quick shower, and meet BW at his coffee shop and see if she could network and look for jobs on her laptop. If she didn't set up plans like this, she'd never get out of the house and slip further into depression.
When she went to put the first load in the dryer, she found leftover clothes in the dryer her husband had left. Wrinkled. It would set her schedule back 30 minutes. She was annoyed, but threw the dryer on and waited to fluff this unknown third load. If she didn't get this done during the week, her mother would get angry that they were flooding the septic tank with too much water.
After the husband did some last minute plan canceling on her, she was almost on her way. Her mother had texted earlier to say that she needed her tires pumped, and would she come over with her pump. She told her that she could come by three pm but not before. Then mom passive aggressively said she would take care of it herself.
Right as she was going to get the last load of laundry, her mother called. She was on her way home and would be there in 3 minutes. Could she get out the pump and do it now? Did she have a choice? Did her time mean nothing to the people around her?
She ended up being an hour late meeting BW. His coffee shop had the owners hanging around and was extremely busy. She was sure it would have been fine an hour earlier. She was so mad on the way that she used some essential oils that were supposed to be used for headaches. It had an adverse affect much like benadryl and she got sleepy the rest of the day. She didn't even mind that BW didn't want to hang out but instead drop off some of his own resumes.
She went home, had a swig of tequila and sat at the table to eat her sandwich. Her husband saw she was still upset and asked if there was anything he could do.
"The laundry." She replied.
When she went to put the first load in the dryer, she found leftover clothes in the dryer her husband had left. Wrinkled. It would set her schedule back 30 minutes. She was annoyed, but threw the dryer on and waited to fluff this unknown third load. If she didn't get this done during the week, her mother would get angry that they were flooding the septic tank with too much water.
After the husband did some last minute plan canceling on her, she was almost on her way. Her mother had texted earlier to say that she needed her tires pumped, and would she come over with her pump. She told her that she could come by three pm but not before. Then mom passive aggressively said she would take care of it herself.
Right as she was going to get the last load of laundry, her mother called. She was on her way home and would be there in 3 minutes. Could she get out the pump and do it now? Did she have a choice? Did her time mean nothing to the people around her?
She ended up being an hour late meeting BW. His coffee shop had the owners hanging around and was extremely busy. She was sure it would have been fine an hour earlier. She was so mad on the way that she used some essential oils that were supposed to be used for headaches. It had an adverse affect much like benadryl and she got sleepy the rest of the day. She didn't even mind that BW didn't want to hang out but instead drop off some of his own resumes.
She went home, had a swig of tequila and sat at the table to eat her sandwich. Her husband saw she was still upset and asked if there was anything he could do.
"The laundry." She replied.
Thursday, November 12, 2015
Snow Covered Moments
She dropped her head onto his shoulder briefly, letting go of her anxiety in that few seconds. They were in the darkened theatre waiting for the BFF to come back and the Apple Guy movie to start. She knew without speaking that he would understand she just needed a moment of quiet, and he did. He let her breathe into the moment, and in the silence let her know he was there with her. It was only once she raised her head that he asked her how everything was going. "The same."
She succeeded in not letting herself rest on him again that night. He'd given her enough in that little moment to move onto her next one.
While driving home she admired the ivory peaks and valleys of the city. The moon wasn't out, yet the snow covered mountains were still visible in the darkness of the late night. The pinnacles hung at the edges of town like a ghostly fairy tale.
She succeeded in not letting herself rest on him again that night. He'd given her enough in that little moment to move onto her next one.
While driving home she admired the ivory peaks and valleys of the city. The moon wasn't out, yet the snow covered mountains were still visible in the darkness of the late night. The pinnacles hung at the edges of town like a ghostly fairy tale.
Friday, November 6, 2015
Beaucoup de la Mort
"How to Spot an INFJ." It was a photo that PJ sent her out of the blue. The first bullet point was "Asks if you are okay more times in five minutes than you've ever been asked in your entire life" and the last bullet point was "I know you better than you know yourself."
She was at a pretty deep point in her depression at that point. She knew that she wasn't understood, appreciated, or respected. By anyone. The one who was supposed to love her the most asked her for money. She tried to reach out to her husband with her pain, and was met with silence. She was all but accused of bumming him out. She wanted to just disappear.
She didn't eat because that cost money that she didn't have. It became a game for her, how long she could go without eating. A day and a half was her record. She'd lost three pounds. So that was a bonus.
PJ once again saved her self esteem, respect, everything. If he thought she was worthwhile, then maybe it was okay.
She dragged herself to his one act play downtown, and ended up going by herself after BW flaked out. She stayed afterwards and she and PJ walked down the street to retrieve a stray glove, forgotten before the show. Fall had gone quickly this year, and they could see their breath as they talked about her problems. Then they talked about his problems, as the chill crept into her cheeks. It amazed her how he could keep her attention though extreme temperatures.
He mentioned that AB was starting rehearsals for a show soon, so he would have more free time to hang out with her. She looked forward to it, cold nose and all.
She was at a pretty deep point in her depression at that point. She knew that she wasn't understood, appreciated, or respected. By anyone. The one who was supposed to love her the most asked her for money. She tried to reach out to her husband with her pain, and was met with silence. She was all but accused of bumming him out. She wanted to just disappear.
She didn't eat because that cost money that she didn't have. It became a game for her, how long she could go without eating. A day and a half was her record. She'd lost three pounds. So that was a bonus.
PJ once again saved her self esteem, respect, everything. If he thought she was worthwhile, then maybe it was okay.
She dragged herself to his one act play downtown, and ended up going by herself after BW flaked out. She stayed afterwards and she and PJ walked down the street to retrieve a stray glove, forgotten before the show. Fall had gone quickly this year, and they could see their breath as they talked about her problems. Then they talked about his problems, as the chill crept into her cheeks. It amazed her how he could keep her attention though extreme temperatures.
He mentioned that AB was starting rehearsals for a show soon, so he would have more free time to hang out with her. She looked forward to it, cold nose and all.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
Write and Wrong
With everything else going on, it was easy to see how she was over-reacting to every situation. BW had told her that TM had rejected one of her photos for a set up they were doing just because it was hers. Because she would have wanted to be credited for it.
She was so torn about what do to about TM. He was young, and not as intelligent as he thought himself to be. Young was the perfect word for him. Life had treated him nicely despite his opinion of how downtrodden he thought he was.
He'd been coddled by a lot of people, and for too long. In doing that he had elevated himself to a place in the community that getting on his bad side was unwise, and she found herself there. She didn't feel the need to apologize more than she already had in regards to the situation. She shouldn't have to smooth things over when she was in the right.
She still felt isolated and alone in the community, and felt like this was the nail in her coffin. Maybe she was never meant to make friends or fit in anywhere. She was tired and wanted to stop trying.
She thought of Alessia Cara's "Here" as a friend had said it reminded them of her. The more she listened to it, the more she identified with it.
She was so torn about what do to about TM. He was young, and not as intelligent as he thought himself to be. Young was the perfect word for him. Life had treated him nicely despite his opinion of how downtrodden he thought he was.
He'd been coddled by a lot of people, and for too long. In doing that he had elevated himself to a place in the community that getting on his bad side was unwise, and she found herself there. She didn't feel the need to apologize more than she already had in regards to the situation. She shouldn't have to smooth things over when she was in the right.
She still felt isolated and alone in the community, and felt like this was the nail in her coffin. Maybe she was never meant to make friends or fit in anywhere. She was tired and wanted to stop trying.
She thought of Alessia Cara's "Here" as a friend had said it reminded them of her. The more she listened to it, the more she identified with it.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
Brick
23 applications later and she was still out of work and stressed out. She no longer had anything to look forward to in life.
She had some weird feelings about the end of the show. It came at a terrible time with her losing her job, and there was a lot of emotion attached to it. It hadn't been an enjoyable process due to other people's bad attitudes. PJ had thrown a fit early on because his job made him late and he couldn't handle his anger. It made for an awkward rehearsal. Then the director started falling apart emotionally. A few weeks later the director's boyfriend broke up with her and she was at a loss, crying all the time. The director hadn't been directing before, and she really bailed out after that. She brought in a friend who undermined training they had gotten from a professional. It was a great show despite all the offstage drama, but it hadn't lived up to it's potential, and she'd felt helpless against it. Her BFF had been cranky through the whole process, and it just ruined it. She hadn't really bonded with anyone, but she was so close.
She didn't feel like anyone had become her friend or gotten to know her. Then one of the actors was asked to stage manage the next show. She felt unwanted, unneeded, useless. Now that she didn't have a job, the rest of her life was empty and meaningless.
Then the husband asked her for $20 after she had been out of work and was upset when she said she didn't have it, and then upset that she didn't have it in cash.
She was drowning slowly.
She had some weird feelings about the end of the show. It came at a terrible time with her losing her job, and there was a lot of emotion attached to it. It hadn't been an enjoyable process due to other people's bad attitudes. PJ had thrown a fit early on because his job made him late and he couldn't handle his anger. It made for an awkward rehearsal. Then the director started falling apart emotionally. A few weeks later the director's boyfriend broke up with her and she was at a loss, crying all the time. The director hadn't been directing before, and she really bailed out after that. She brought in a friend who undermined training they had gotten from a professional. It was a great show despite all the offstage drama, but it hadn't lived up to it's potential, and she'd felt helpless against it. Her BFF had been cranky through the whole process, and it just ruined it. She hadn't really bonded with anyone, but she was so close.
She didn't feel like anyone had become her friend or gotten to know her. Then one of the actors was asked to stage manage the next show. She felt unwanted, unneeded, useless. Now that she didn't have a job, the rest of her life was empty and meaningless.
Then the husband asked her for $20 after she had been out of work and was upset when she said she didn't have it, and then upset that she didn't have it in cash.
She was drowning slowly.
Monday, October 26, 2015
One Door Closes
She saw it coming. She wasn't shocked...or maybe she was in shock. She couldn't be sure.
"I'm gonna have to let you go. I just don't have the money to pay you. With the business slowing way down I just can't afford to pay you right now."
It was effective immediately. That very minute. She packed up her stuff and drove back into town. A theme was sensed when she was unable to do a mobile deposit on her phone, and the ATM was down. She had to walk in and deposit it in person. She tried to think about how things could be worse.
She dropped all her office stuff off at the storage unit, and spent the rest of the day on the couch applying for jobs and watching My So-Called Life on Hulu. She was always surprised that every time she watched the show, she felt differently about each character.
At the end of the day she snooped. She checked on his emails to see if he put out a call for someone to take over her job. He hadn't. At least he had been telling her the truth. That made her feel a little better, that it was nothing she had done.
But that didn't put money in her bank account.
"I'm gonna have to let you go. I just don't have the money to pay you. With the business slowing way down I just can't afford to pay you right now."
It was effective immediately. That very minute. She packed up her stuff and drove back into town. A theme was sensed when she was unable to do a mobile deposit on her phone, and the ATM was down. She had to walk in and deposit it in person. She tried to think about how things could be worse.
She dropped all her office stuff off at the storage unit, and spent the rest of the day on the couch applying for jobs and watching My So-Called Life on Hulu. She was always surprised that every time she watched the show, she felt differently about each character.
At the end of the day she snooped. She checked on his emails to see if he put out a call for someone to take over her job. He hadn't. At least he had been telling her the truth. That made her feel a little better, that it was nothing she had done.
But that didn't put money in her bank account.
Friday, October 23, 2015
Du Jour Means Crash Positions
"Our old teacher just called me. They just lost their male actor." He texted.
"She was talking to BW as well. Hopefully he takes it." He said.
"Dirty pig fucker. I wish PJ was available."
"Only because I'm stupid."
"Ugh, this character is like all of my worst traits amplified, plus a pothead"
She sighed and texted back "...she cast you didn't she?"
"She was talking to BW as well. Hopefully he takes it." He said.
"BW won't take it. He knows you will."
"Dirty pig fucker. I wish PJ was available."
"Crazy husband. Did you take it?"
"Only because I'm stupid."
"You are stupid. It's adorable."
"Ugh, this character is like all of my worst traits amplified, plus a pothead"
"You mean like the kind of idiot who would take a role 9 days before opening night?"
Wednesday, October 21, 2015
No Direction
BW talked to the director about her too. Basically said the same thing he said to TM; "She's awesome, stop fucking it up."
The director was driving her crazy. She was singlehandedly letting down the entire female population with her antics. She would say things like "You know how in old movies girls just wanted to be hit?" and would cry at the drop of a hat. She was not directing. She lost it a couple of weeks before opening and brought in the male artistic director of the company to direct for her. She was going to lose us the right to vote.
"The energy feels a lot different than it did with the last one, doesn't it?" PJ had asked her one night about halfway into the run.
"Yes it does," she answered. "The last play actually had a director."
She really just hated the fact that she was stuck not being able to fully do her job.
Right before the run the director had taken her aside and asked what she could do to help. "You have it the wrong way. I'm supposed to be helping you, but you won't let me. You pull in other people, don't ask my opinion, and deliberately change plans after I've told everyone the opposite thing. The next time you direct something, you should really pick a stage manager you trust. I'm not sure what I did to make you not trust me, but clearly you don't."
Not sure if that made it any better, but for what it was worth the director wouldn't be around anymore. It was her show now.
The director was driving her crazy. She was singlehandedly letting down the entire female population with her antics. She would say things like "You know how in old movies girls just wanted to be hit?" and would cry at the drop of a hat. She was not directing. She lost it a couple of weeks before opening and brought in the male artistic director of the company to direct for her. She was going to lose us the right to vote.
"The energy feels a lot different than it did with the last one, doesn't it?" PJ had asked her one night about halfway into the run.
"Yes it does," she answered. "The last play actually had a director."
She really just hated the fact that she was stuck not being able to fully do her job.
Right before the run the director had taken her aside and asked what she could do to help. "You have it the wrong way. I'm supposed to be helping you, but you won't let me. You pull in other people, don't ask my opinion, and deliberately change plans after I've told everyone the opposite thing. The next time you direct something, you should really pick a stage manager you trust. I'm not sure what I did to make you not trust me, but clearly you don't."
Not sure if that made it any better, but for what it was worth the director wouldn't be around anymore. It was her show now.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Two Wrongs Don't Make a CopyRight
She loved photography and taking pictures. She'd felt a deep connection to it ever since her father had introduced her to it. He taught her how to center the main focus of the picture, composition, and tried to teach her F-stops and shutter speeds. Sadly that education had been lost to time, but she still loved taking a good photograph. As technology had progressed, her iphone had told her time and again her storage was full so she couldn't take more pictures. She would frequently do a dump of photos onto her computer so she could start over. She bought tiny little lenses for her phone so she didn't have to lug the big computer around.
She also had the Nikon her father had left her. She became the play historian, taking photos and video. She posted them on her Instagram and on the private Facebook page for people involved in the play. During the last play she noticed her pictures going up on the theatre's public page with no photo credit. She mentioned it the theatre manager (TM) who ran the page. He laughed it off. He laughed off a lot of things that were disrespectful and bothered her. It was starting to become a problem. Even more so when she realized that they had put her photos up on the official web site for the current play. Without permission, without credit. Didn't they teach everyone these things in Kindergarden?
She had her writing stolen several times when she was trying to do freelance. It wasn't okay when complete strangers violated her like this, but someone that she considered a friend? She felt betrayed, double-crossed, stabbed in the back. It really cut her deeply, and she didn't know what to do. A few days later the BFF convinced her to tell her the whole story, in an alley behind the theatre with PJ. With tears it came out, along with the fact that there are certain things she just didn't feel comfortable sharing with the BFF. BFF was upset about that for sure.
But it was her friend BW that ended up saving her. She had gone to him to vent about the situation, and he had talked to the theatre manager, and said "Penny is one in a million and gives her all. Don't fuck it up with her. You need her."
TM had been kissing her ass ever since. BW certainly had a way with people. Out of all the people who she had told about this awful situation, he was the only one who took action to protect her. She wouldn't soon forget that.
She also had the Nikon her father had left her. She became the play historian, taking photos and video. She posted them on her Instagram and on the private Facebook page for people involved in the play. During the last play she noticed her pictures going up on the theatre's public page with no photo credit. She mentioned it the theatre manager (TM) who ran the page. He laughed it off. He laughed off a lot of things that were disrespectful and bothered her. It was starting to become a problem. Even more so when she realized that they had put her photos up on the official web site for the current play. Without permission, without credit. Didn't they teach everyone these things in Kindergarden?
She had her writing stolen several times when she was trying to do freelance. It wasn't okay when complete strangers violated her like this, but someone that she considered a friend? She felt betrayed, double-crossed, stabbed in the back. It really cut her deeply, and she didn't know what to do. A few days later the BFF convinced her to tell her the whole story, in an alley behind the theatre with PJ. With tears it came out, along with the fact that there are certain things she just didn't feel comfortable sharing with the BFF. BFF was upset about that for sure.
But it was her friend BW that ended up saving her. She had gone to him to vent about the situation, and he had talked to the theatre manager, and said "Penny is one in a million and gives her all. Don't fuck it up with her. You need her."
TM had been kissing her ass ever since. BW certainly had a way with people. Out of all the people who she had told about this awful situation, he was the only one who took action to protect her. She wouldn't soon forget that.
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Walks of Art
Drinks at a bar before the restaurant opened. Dinner at her favorite ramen house. A half an hour at a youth poetry slam with current students from her old high school. A show where neither of them had a job to do but be audience members. A gallery opening. Spending time with each other talking about everything that matter to them at the time. A hilarious late night drive through for food for him and desert for her. He had even offered to drive a majority of the time.
Had they been romantically involved, it would have been a hell of an epic date. As it was, it was a great and fun night out between friends. It was nice that they didn't have to worry about their significant others being jealous, that time was behind them. In fact, it had been his girlfriend that said they should go to the ramen place. Everything felt pretty settled in their friendship, and she felt comfortable moving along with it being the same way, this way, for a long time. She knew the dynamic would shift a bit after this show was over, but she had a feeling they would still make time for each other.
He had asked her at the end of the night what her favorite moment was. All of it was great, but she had enjoyed the deep conversation with dinner. Blurred a bit by the mojitos, it was great to have someone that made her think and question without making it feel like her feelings were invalid. He understood her in a way that no one else had. That didn't make him the most important person in her life, but it certainly brought him up the list quite a bit. She was lucky to have him as a friend, and wished she could think of something to do for him.
Had they been romantically involved, it would have been a hell of an epic date. As it was, it was a great and fun night out between friends. It was nice that they didn't have to worry about their significant others being jealous, that time was behind them. In fact, it had been his girlfriend that said they should go to the ramen place. Everything felt pretty settled in their friendship, and she felt comfortable moving along with it being the same way, this way, for a long time. She knew the dynamic would shift a bit after this show was over, but she had a feeling they would still make time for each other.
He had asked her at the end of the night what her favorite moment was. All of it was great, but she had enjoyed the deep conversation with dinner. Blurred a bit by the mojitos, it was great to have someone that made her think and question without making it feel like her feelings were invalid. He understood her in a way that no one else had. That didn't make him the most important person in her life, but it certainly brought him up the list quite a bit. She was lucky to have him as a friend, and wished she could think of something to do for him.
Tuesday, September 22, 2015
Contempt
The crush had disappeared on her way to work one day when she realized she didn't think about him as she sailed under his street. That KD Lang "Constant Craving" was over. But she still had that odd disdain for his new relationship. Eventually she would come around to being happy for them, but for now she rolled her eyes every time their schmoopy couple photos got set as a default on their pages. It was her birthday today, and he posted not just once but twice on her Facebook wall, with multiple photos. Ugh.
They had grown apart, but after a day-long panic attack that rattled her body, it was only his hug at rehearsal that made her calm down. A few minutes after she felt that release of nervous anxiety, and took her first deep breath since 9 AM that morning.
They had made plans to hang with each other on their one day off this week. She was looking forward to it even though she knew their friendship would never be the same. She mostly looked forward to the calm she could feel having alone time with him.
They had grown apart, but after a day-long panic attack that rattled her body, it was only his hug at rehearsal that made her calm down. A few minutes after she felt that release of nervous anxiety, and took her first deep breath since 9 AM that morning.
They had made plans to hang with each other on their one day off this week. She was looking forward to it even though she knew their friendship would never be the same. She mostly looked forward to the calm she could feel having alone time with him.
Tuesday, September 15, 2015
Playing Pretend with Fatigue
Her energy level is always teetering on empty. She was always just getting by. If she went for a hike, or a walk longer than a half hour, She'd be laid out for days.
KSL, the actor a foot taller than her, thought it was funny to have her get a running start to high five him...friends dancing around an empty bar and looking at her sitting down and wondering why she wasn't joining in...it's not fun.
She didn't want anyone to think she couldn't do something, so she stayed silent. Only a few people knew that she has this illness. She wished no one had to know. She wished she had a job that had insurance so she could go to a doctor and get medicine before it runs out in the next month. But it was not looking good. Or fun.
There was no light at the end of this tunnel. Not right now. She was waiting for a bend in the road.
KSL, the actor a foot taller than her, thought it was funny to have her get a running start to high five him...friends dancing around an empty bar and looking at her sitting down and wondering why she wasn't joining in...it's not fun.
She didn't want anyone to think she couldn't do something, so she stayed silent. Only a few people knew that she has this illness. She wished no one had to know. She wished she had a job that had insurance so she could go to a doctor and get medicine before it runs out in the next month. But it was not looking good. Or fun.
There was no light at the end of this tunnel. Not right now. She was waiting for a bend in the road.
Friday, September 11, 2015
Ben Nye The Makeup Guy
Who sends emails anymore? Her director apparently. At 9:00 AM on "Makeup Rehearsal" she had emailed to say that no one had ordered the makeup, so it was going to have to wait.
She had never done a literal face palm before, but she did one now. The director was basically giving up, saying they would rehearse other things that night. She was giving up on her show, because basically not everyone was available together again until tech week. First time directors were NOT her cup of tea.
A skipped lunch and several phone calls later, and both the chorography was set and the makeup delivered. She wouldn't get reimbursed for the makeup for awhile, but it was worth it to save the entire show. She knew she wouldn't get the credit she deserved for saving the day, but she wasn't really doing it for the credit.
What would they do without her? Roll up the show and go home I guess.
She had never done a literal face palm before, but she did one now. The director was basically giving up, saying they would rehearse other things that night. She was giving up on her show, because basically not everyone was available together again until tech week. First time directors were NOT her cup of tea.
A skipped lunch and several phone calls later, and both the chorography was set and the makeup delivered. She wouldn't get reimbursed for the makeup for awhile, but it was worth it to save the entire show. She knew she wouldn't get the credit she deserved for saving the day, but she wasn't really doing it for the credit.
What would they do without her? Roll up the show and go home I guess.
Friday, September 4, 2015
The Ring
She had never subscribed to the thought that if you forget your ring at home then something is wrong in the marriage. Sometimes you are in a hurry and just don't get a chance to put it on that day.
However, her husband had lost his. Less than a year into their 10th anniversary rings, his was gone. She had bought their first ones, days before the wedding. They had both let that bit of wedding list fall to the wayside, and ended up with a three ring set that cost $500 from a department store.
When it came to buying their 10th anniversary rings, he was supposed to pick up the tab since she had gotten the last one. That didn't happen. He had to pay for something else and she shelled out the money for the rings. About 8 months later, he had lost his ring. It hurt worse than the 10 years when he complained that the first ring hurt him.
She slowly stopped wearing her ring. It might have been on purpose, and meant something.
However, her husband had lost his. Less than a year into their 10th anniversary rings, his was gone. She had bought their first ones, days before the wedding. They had both let that bit of wedding list fall to the wayside, and ended up with a three ring set that cost $500 from a department store.
When it came to buying their 10th anniversary rings, he was supposed to pick up the tab since she had gotten the last one. That didn't happen. He had to pay for something else and she shelled out the money for the rings. About 8 months later, he had lost his ring. It hurt worse than the 10 years when he complained that the first ring hurt him.
She slowly stopped wearing her ring. It might have been on purpose, and meant something.
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Rage Monster
"So, what was with that temper tantrum he threw the other day?" The 22 year old asked about the 38 year old.
She took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to answer. It was hard to explain how PJ had reacted, even though out of anyone else on the planet she could explain it.
"He...just really hates being late. He was...I have to talk to him about it, it wasn't okay how he reacted."
His new job had kept him late, and he was late to rehearsal. It was not that big of a deal, but he was an INFJ. Being late is something that really alters their perception on life and it affects them horribly. Apparently the way it changed him was he threw fits.
He had walked in apologizing, clearly angry at his job. He walked across the stage and threw his backpack down with a loud thud. It was so loud that everyone in the room simultaneously reacted verbally, yelling "Woah!" or "Hey!" and "Are you okay?" and he continued to respond in anger. He just wanted to get on with it, not wanting to take a moment to get himself together as the director suggested. They launched into the scene, but it wasn't funny as it had been before he arrived. It was a dark comedy, but it was more comedy than dark. It became more dark as he came late the next day.
He even showed up angry to a restaurant as they all went to dinner before the bargain movie night that had become their staple. He showed up "with a headache" and rebuffed any help anyone offered him. She reminded herself that night to take people's help and stop being so stubborn.
"You need to talk to him about it? Like, as the stage manager?" The 22 year old actor asked as he sipped his whiskey at the bar after rehearsal.
"I need to tell him as a friend. Not as the stage manager. He doesn't realize how he is effecting others. Once he knows, he'll be better at it."
She hoped to god she was right.
She took a deep breath and tried to figure out how to answer. It was hard to explain how PJ had reacted, even though out of anyone else on the planet she could explain it.
"He...just really hates being late. He was...I have to talk to him about it, it wasn't okay how he reacted."
His new job had kept him late, and he was late to rehearsal. It was not that big of a deal, but he was an INFJ. Being late is something that really alters their perception on life and it affects them horribly. Apparently the way it changed him was he threw fits.
He had walked in apologizing, clearly angry at his job. He walked across the stage and threw his backpack down with a loud thud. It was so loud that everyone in the room simultaneously reacted verbally, yelling "Woah!" or "Hey!" and "Are you okay?" and he continued to respond in anger. He just wanted to get on with it, not wanting to take a moment to get himself together as the director suggested. They launched into the scene, but it wasn't funny as it had been before he arrived. It was a dark comedy, but it was more comedy than dark. It became more dark as he came late the next day.
He even showed up angry to a restaurant as they all went to dinner before the bargain movie night that had become their staple. He showed up "with a headache" and rebuffed any help anyone offered him. She reminded herself that night to take people's help and stop being so stubborn.
"You need to talk to him about it? Like, as the stage manager?" The 22 year old actor asked as he sipped his whiskey at the bar after rehearsal.
"I need to tell him as a friend. Not as the stage manager. He doesn't realize how he is effecting others. Once he knows, he'll be better at it."
She hoped to god she was right.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Saturday, August 22, 2015
Friday, August 21, 2015
You, Me, and Five Bucks
She did end up sending him an email.
"Have you ever seen Reality Bites? When it first came out I thought it was the funniest comedy ever. I would watch it and laugh for years. Then I sort of forgot about it, and about 6 years ago remembered it and watched it again because I needed a laugh.
He responded the next day:
"I love that movie! The Ethan Hawke character really strikes a chord with me for various reasons, but I haven't seen it in years. I would like to assume that it stands the test of time. Great scene btw. Hope your work is going well!"
All of her pet peeves about email exchanges suddenly came to the surface. Not addressing all the things in the email. Doing the "conversation ender" of "Hope your ____ is going well" and saying "various reasons" and not listing them. He had a great blog where he wrote fantastic poetry. She knew that he could write beautifully, but he wasn't sharing any of that with her.
He texted later "I start tomorrow at 9am at my new job!!!"
She congratulated him and called him on her lunch break. They talked the entire half hour about the job, what jobs meant anymore, how they just wanted a nice roof over their head, a couple of vacations a year, and how much they had to make in order to get those things. They talked about Reality Bites, and how their vices didn't meet up yet, and it was something they had to work on. She walked almost a mile around her work as they talked. Except for the fact that she severely disliked talking on the phone, it was a good conversation.
When she hung up, she realized that the method of communicating was so different from text to speech. She had reached out to him through both his and her preferred method of contact. He had responded best in his, of course. But she felt like he didn't even really try in hers. Though they were both so similar, she was seeing the hurtful differences. She was getting tired of being the one who gives the most in everything she does.
"Have you ever seen Reality Bites? When it first came out I thought it was the funniest comedy ever. I would watch it and laugh for years. Then I sort of forgot about it, and about 6 years ago remembered it and watched it again because I needed a laugh.
I cried almost the whole movie because it had become my life. I still love the movie though, especially this moment here:
Except I don't smoke, and I'm not really fond of coffee. I think you and I need to find a common vice"
He responded the next day:
"I love that movie! The Ethan Hawke character really strikes a chord with me for various reasons, but I haven't seen it in years. I would like to assume that it stands the test of time. Great scene btw. Hope your work is going well!"
All of her pet peeves about email exchanges suddenly came to the surface. Not addressing all the things in the email. Doing the "conversation ender" of "Hope your ____ is going well" and saying "various reasons" and not listing them. He had a great blog where he wrote fantastic poetry. She knew that he could write beautifully, but he wasn't sharing any of that with her.
He texted later "I start tomorrow at 9am at my new job!!!"
She congratulated him and called him on her lunch break. They talked the entire half hour about the job, what jobs meant anymore, how they just wanted a nice roof over their head, a couple of vacations a year, and how much they had to make in order to get those things. They talked about Reality Bites, and how their vices didn't meet up yet, and it was something they had to work on. She walked almost a mile around her work as they talked. Except for the fact that she severely disliked talking on the phone, it was a good conversation.
When she hung up, she realized that the method of communicating was so different from text to speech. She had reached out to him through both his and her preferred method of contact. He had responded best in his, of course. But she felt like he didn't even really try in hers. Though they were both so similar, she was seeing the hurtful differences. She was getting tired of being the one who gives the most in everything she does.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
Movie Night
It was bargain movie night, and so far the only people seeing Man from U.N.C.L.E. was herself and PJ. After the conversation about texting he had started calling her at work, which anywhere else would be something she couldn't really do. It was a 6 minute conversation that could have been completed in one text. In fact, it already had, by her last week. She had suggest the time and the movie and it had been agreed upon.
PJ's girlfriend was coming of course. PJ had also decided to call the BFF and ask her if she was coming. Turns out she did reschedule with her other friends and was also coming. Looks like her almost-going-by-herself-movie got really busy.
She needed some organized friends.
It all came together however. The BFF came to eat tacos with her, and the movie was amazing. Everything came together beautifully; hitting the nostalgia but not too hard, acting, costumes, humor, everything was glorious. She marked the soundtrack to listen to on Spotify later.
Even though she had a good time, she was tired by the end of the night. PJ had insisted on watching from the back of the front-most rows. Her peripherals still hurt for hours afterwards. She would have to take the husband to see it once it went to the cheap theaters. Even the thought of that now exhausted her, all she wanted was some alone time. She wasn't going to initiate any outings for awhile.
PJ's girlfriend was coming of course. PJ had also decided to call the BFF and ask her if she was coming. Turns out she did reschedule with her other friends and was also coming. Looks like her almost-going-by-herself-movie got really busy.
She needed some organized friends.
It all came together however. The BFF came to eat tacos with her, and the movie was amazing. Everything came together beautifully; hitting the nostalgia but not too hard, acting, costumes, humor, everything was glorious. She marked the soundtrack to listen to on Spotify later.
Even though she had a good time, she was tired by the end of the night. PJ had insisted on watching from the back of the front-most rows. Her peripherals still hurt for hours afterwards. She would have to take the husband to see it once it went to the cheap theaters. Even the thought of that now exhausted her, all she wanted was some alone time. She wasn't going to initiate any outings for awhile.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Another Day, Another Destiny
The read through of the play had arrived. It didn't feel like it had been that long since the last one, but it had been about 17 days.
Two people were missing for the next couple of weeks, so she read their parts. It would be the closest she would come to acting on the stage, and she was just fine with it. She didn't have to act in front of anyone except for the cast, and they weren't judging her on her acting ability.
It seemed like it was going to be another production that would come together completely by accident. Half the actors had neglected to print out a copy of the script, something the first time director had overlooked printing out.
The BFF was very cranky, and she never knew what to do in that situation. She never wanted attention called to her when she was upset, so she left her alone. She seemed distant the rest of the night, and she worried that there was something that she did to make her mad.
At the end of the night the BFF told her and PJ that she was going to be unable to make it to movie night the next day because she had made plans 3 weeks ago with some other friends. She made a pouty face at her, but let it go. She still wanted to go see the movie, and would watch it alone if PJ decided that it would be weird for just both of them to go. Of course, this would be the week that his girlfriend AB decided to come. Nothing like being the third wheel.
Two people were missing for the next couple of weeks, so she read their parts. It would be the closest she would come to acting on the stage, and she was just fine with it. She didn't have to act in front of anyone except for the cast, and they weren't judging her on her acting ability.
It seemed like it was going to be another production that would come together completely by accident. Half the actors had neglected to print out a copy of the script, something the first time director had overlooked printing out.
The BFF was very cranky, and she never knew what to do in that situation. She never wanted attention called to her when she was upset, so she left her alone. She seemed distant the rest of the night, and she worried that there was something that she did to make her mad.
At the end of the night the BFF told her and PJ that she was going to be unable to make it to movie night the next day because she had made plans 3 weeks ago with some other friends. She made a pouty face at her, but let it go. She still wanted to go see the movie, and would watch it alone if PJ decided that it would be weird for just both of them to go. Of course, this would be the week that his girlfriend AB decided to come. Nothing like being the third wheel.
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
Voice Your Opinion
It didn't quite bod well that she was already playing hooky from work. But the boss was out of town, she was the only one in the office, and she could do everything from her phone. Plus, her sanctuary needed a spa day.
After spending the morning with the bosses computer problems, she left. She took her car for an oil change and smog check, and ran into her husband who was just finishing up his oil change. Another unexpected $50 that he'd spent that they didn't have. They both knew that until he got a job there would be unease. They currently had $200 to their name after paying off the credit cards. She desperately didn't want to go into debt.
After her car was finished she headed back towards PJ's neighborhood. It was around 100 degrees so they took refuge at a local bar and talked. This was the first time they'd talked without much of an agenda, and it consisted mostly of the back and forth of comparing INFJ traits.
He hated texting. She had noticed and stated how he always said things like "I hope you are having a good day," rather than "How is your day going?" He texted in conversation-enders instead of just having an ease of conversation. He hated text conversations. He rated his preference of interaction as face to face first, phone calls second, emails third, and texting dead last.
She had once felt the same way until texting took over and she loved the fact that she had time to respond. It took a little longer to get across how she said something, but sometimes she felt like she had to do that in person anyway. At least she knew her words were strong and meaningful, they had intent. She wasn't babbling over the phone like an idiot.
She smiled at him and said "Maybe I'll shoot you an email sometime then."
After spending the morning with the bosses computer problems, she left. She took her car for an oil change and smog check, and ran into her husband who was just finishing up his oil change. Another unexpected $50 that he'd spent that they didn't have. They both knew that until he got a job there would be unease. They currently had $200 to their name after paying off the credit cards. She desperately didn't want to go into debt.
After her car was finished she headed back towards PJ's neighborhood. It was around 100 degrees so they took refuge at a local bar and talked. This was the first time they'd talked without much of an agenda, and it consisted mostly of the back and forth of comparing INFJ traits.
He hated texting. She had noticed and stated how he always said things like "I hope you are having a good day," rather than "How is your day going?" He texted in conversation-enders instead of just having an ease of conversation. He hated text conversations. He rated his preference of interaction as face to face first, phone calls second, emails third, and texting dead last.
She had once felt the same way until texting took over and she loved the fact that she had time to respond. It took a little longer to get across how she said something, but sometimes she felt like she had to do that in person anyway. At least she knew her words were strong and meaningful, they had intent. She wasn't babbling over the phone like an idiot.
She smiled at him and said "Maybe I'll shoot you an email sometime then."
Monday, August 17, 2015
The Long Sorrid Tale
She knew if she went home right after auditions that it would just be her and her mother. Dreading that kind of further interaction, she texted PJ and asked what he was doing. Rearranging his rented room after he cleaned up all the bedbugs. Gross. Still, she picked potential bedbugs over spending time at home. She grabbed both of them a double chocolate milk from the convenience store and headed over.
He had one too many pieces of furniture for his tiny room, and his birdcage was massive. All his clothes were out, begging for another infestation. She helped him put back all of his books while trying to rearrange his room in her head. He said it was like one of those cheap games as a kid where you had to move the pieces on the board, but there was only one open space. She had always preferred Tetris.
After getting his room to a livable state, they sat down to enjoy their drinks and talk. He was clearly tired from the day of moving heavy objects around, and the stress of maybe always having bedbugs as long as he lived in that space. He still wanted to have the talk though, and so reluctantly she began her story.
Mostly it was focused on her marriage and the difficulties facing that. The husband had relied on his charm to get him everywhere, and he wasn't sure what to do anymore. She had a suspicion that he wasn't even looking for a job anymore, which meant there was no end in sight to moving out of her mother's house. Her boss had paid her a dollar less than agreed on the last paycheck, and she was afraid to correct his mistake. It would be an awkward conversation, but one that needed to happen soon.
She told him a little of her auto-immune disease and how hard it was for her to even work at all. He was baffled by the behavior of the husband. He asked her "If I just bashed your knee in right now, and you were unable to work, what would he do?"
"The same thing he is doing now. He doesn't feel that need because he still thinks something good is about to happen to him. But we are at the beginning of debt now, I can't pay off my credit cards in full anymore. They money just isn't there. I'm drowning, and he's just standing by watching. Someone will always be there to fish him out, so he's just drowning and not worrying about it. There is no panic there."
"I wish I had a solution for you."
"I wish you did too, but until he gets a job, this situation will continue. Once we are both employed and out of the house, I need to seriously look into the relationship again and see what is there. Maybe we can work it out. I hope we can."
The conversation evolved into their friendship and how it was developing. He knew that occasionally she needed these one on ones to really connect, and he respected it. She apologized for assuming that she could use shorthand with him when he didn't have the whole story. "You still don't have the whole story, but at least you know now why I'm going to be prone to moodiness and depression occasionally."
He understood. One on one, she knew he would. Then the non-sequitur came.
"I don't want your husband to get hurt by our friendship. We know how this could go. I don't want my girlfriend to get hurt either."
"He's fine now. We had a talk after that night at the bar when he asked if he had to worry about you."
The husband had said in front of everyone "Do I have to worry about you leaving me for PJ?" She had felt so called out and angry that he had said that in front of everyone that she responded without thinking. "Maybe, have you seen him?" In the conversation at home that followed, she told him that the only thing he had to worry about was her leaving him for her own sanity. Another man would never be a problem. He understood that, and had been a little better since.
She told PJ, "I've always gotten along better with guys anyway, and he has always understood that up until you. I think he gets that what you and I have is something that he can't really give me. It's just not how he is built. That doesn't mean I'm leaving him for you, or that you are leaving your girlfriend for me, but he will get comfortable with that."
They both agreed that with their relationship, they had to be careful of not hurting anyone else's feelings. Even her BFF had expressed sadness over how close she and PJ had gotten. It wasn't the greatest way to start something that had started out so powerful, but it was the way it had to be.
The night ended with an extra long hug and the promise of a future.
He had one too many pieces of furniture for his tiny room, and his birdcage was massive. All his clothes were out, begging for another infestation. She helped him put back all of his books while trying to rearrange his room in her head. He said it was like one of those cheap games as a kid where you had to move the pieces on the board, but there was only one open space. She had always preferred Tetris.
After getting his room to a livable state, they sat down to enjoy their drinks and talk. He was clearly tired from the day of moving heavy objects around, and the stress of maybe always having bedbugs as long as he lived in that space. He still wanted to have the talk though, and so reluctantly she began her story.
Mostly it was focused on her marriage and the difficulties facing that. The husband had relied on his charm to get him everywhere, and he wasn't sure what to do anymore. She had a suspicion that he wasn't even looking for a job anymore, which meant there was no end in sight to moving out of her mother's house. Her boss had paid her a dollar less than agreed on the last paycheck, and she was afraid to correct his mistake. It would be an awkward conversation, but one that needed to happen soon.
She told him a little of her auto-immune disease and how hard it was for her to even work at all. He was baffled by the behavior of the husband. He asked her "If I just bashed your knee in right now, and you were unable to work, what would he do?"
"The same thing he is doing now. He doesn't feel that need because he still thinks something good is about to happen to him. But we are at the beginning of debt now, I can't pay off my credit cards in full anymore. They money just isn't there. I'm drowning, and he's just standing by watching. Someone will always be there to fish him out, so he's just drowning and not worrying about it. There is no panic there."
"I wish I had a solution for you."
"I wish you did too, but until he gets a job, this situation will continue. Once we are both employed and out of the house, I need to seriously look into the relationship again and see what is there. Maybe we can work it out. I hope we can."
The conversation evolved into their friendship and how it was developing. He knew that occasionally she needed these one on ones to really connect, and he respected it. She apologized for assuming that she could use shorthand with him when he didn't have the whole story. "You still don't have the whole story, but at least you know now why I'm going to be prone to moodiness and depression occasionally."
He understood. One on one, she knew he would. Then the non-sequitur came.
"I don't want your husband to get hurt by our friendship. We know how this could go. I don't want my girlfriend to get hurt either."
"He's fine now. We had a talk after that night at the bar when he asked if he had to worry about you."
The husband had said in front of everyone "Do I have to worry about you leaving me for PJ?" She had felt so called out and angry that he had said that in front of everyone that she responded without thinking. "Maybe, have you seen him?" In the conversation at home that followed, she told him that the only thing he had to worry about was her leaving him for her own sanity. Another man would never be a problem. He understood that, and had been a little better since.
She told PJ, "I've always gotten along better with guys anyway, and he has always understood that up until you. I think he gets that what you and I have is something that he can't really give me. It's just not how he is built. That doesn't mean I'm leaving him for you, or that you are leaving your girlfriend for me, but he will get comfortable with that."
They both agreed that with their relationship, they had to be careful of not hurting anyone else's feelings. Even her BFF had expressed sadness over how close she and PJ had gotten. It wasn't the greatest way to start something that had started out so powerful, but it was the way it had to be.
The night ended with an extra long hug and the promise of a future.
Friday, August 14, 2015
No Sleep Tonight
Her mom's hoarding had reached an all time low when she decided because no one was helping her, she wasn't going to do a garage sale. However, she was in charge of the community garage sale next weekend. The call home had come because she was unable to use the step by step instructions set up for her before the trip to wine country.
So she stayed up all night doing what her mother thought should be done. She only got four hours of sleep, and could see the miserable stretch of the extra long workday ahead of her. After that, it was straight to some auditions to fill the spots of her new play. Stage Managing was a thankless task, but it kept her out of the house.
They needed their own place soon or she was going to snap.
So she stayed up all night doing what her mother thought should be done. She only got four hours of sleep, and could see the miserable stretch of the extra long workday ahead of her. After that, it was straight to some auditions to fill the spots of her new play. Stage Managing was a thankless task, but it kept her out of the house.
They needed their own place soon or she was going to snap.
Thursday, August 13, 2015
Isolation
She knew they didn't do it on purpose. It's why it didn't hurt as much as it usually did, being left out. Their discount movie day had turned into a weekly thing, and it was amazing how two people she loved very much could drain her so quickly when they were all together. Alone with each of them it was more quiet, easier. Together they got so extroverted that her batteries were drained like a two year old iphone.
She was almost relieved when she had to shut down their bar dance party to go home early because her mother was freaking out. She drove him home and they only really had time to talk about her new favorite song, "Home." She didn't tell him the whole story, just that she found it a few weeks ago and it made her happy. They talked about the folksy side of pop now and how they liked it.
"I'd love to hear it, would you send it to me?" He asked. She sent it before leaving his driveway, then started the long drive...to a different kind of Home.
She sat in her driveway and checked her text messages. "I just started it. I love that song! I've heard it before, and just didn't recognize the band's name. Sweet Song!" and later "I'll have to watch the video again. Have a good rest of your night Penny!"
It was a little unnerving, they way he always used her name in text messages. He never said her name verbally, like everyone else. She rarely even responded to her own name anymore. Maybe that contributed to her isolation.
She was almost relieved when she had to shut down their bar dance party to go home early because her mother was freaking out. She drove him home and they only really had time to talk about her new favorite song, "Home." She didn't tell him the whole story, just that she found it a few weeks ago and it made her happy. They talked about the folksy side of pop now and how they liked it.
"I'd love to hear it, would you send it to me?" He asked. She sent it before leaving his driveway, then started the long drive...to a different kind of Home.
She sat in her driveway and checked her text messages. "I just started it. I love that song! I've heard it before, and just didn't recognize the band's name. Sweet Song!" and later "I'll have to watch the video again. Have a good rest of your night Penny!"
It was a little unnerving, they way he always used her name in text messages. He never said her name verbally, like everyone else. She rarely even responded to her own name anymore. Maybe that contributed to her isolation.
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
In-between Sober and Drunk, There is Happy
Generous friends came aplenty in the last few days. A trip to wine country on the "Goldie" tour for around $200 afforded her and the hubby a chance of a lifetime, and they took it. No one fought on the trip, no one found fault in the music. It was a small car they had to squeeze into, so small that she was still sore, but it had all been worth it.
When she was a kid, this was what she thought being an adult would feel like. Opportunities to take off on a minutes notice for a once in a lifetime event. Reserve wines, private tastings, patios in the sun that was hot but not too hot. Gondola rides and learning about the three sip rule. Learning new phrases like "revisiting" and who Georges De Latour is. Getting $100 bottles of wine for $10. This was some major adulting.
As far fetched as it was, this is who she wanted to be. She wanted to be the person who could make this her reality instead of her once in a lifetime experience. She wished that she could get a job that would allow her to take more of these trips in the monetary sense. She wished her public blog was more popular, got more hits, made her any money at all. This was the life she should be living.
Her reality wasn't so bad in the end, with pockets of happy like this.
When she was a kid, this was what she thought being an adult would feel like. Opportunities to take off on a minutes notice for a once in a lifetime event. Reserve wines, private tastings, patios in the sun that was hot but not too hot. Gondola rides and learning about the three sip rule. Learning new phrases like "revisiting" and who Georges De Latour is. Getting $100 bottles of wine for $10. This was some major adulting.
As far fetched as it was, this is who she wanted to be. She wanted to be the person who could make this her reality instead of her once in a lifetime experience. She wished that she could get a job that would allow her to take more of these trips in the monetary sense. She wished her public blog was more popular, got more hits, made her any money at all. This was the life she should be living.
Her reality wasn't so bad in the end, with pockets of happy like this.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
Opening Up
"I talked to the BFF last night and she said you were concerned about me. I'm sorry about how I've been acting. I keep meaning to explain my situation to you but there never seems to be a good time or not a lot of people around. I'd like to do that sometime soon if you are up for it. I don't want my crappy attitude to ruin our friendship, I promise I'm not always like this."
"We are friends. I care about our friendship. I'm sure we'll get the chance to talk soon. I hope you guys had a good talk. We're all in this crazy mixed up thing called life together trying to do the best we can with what we have, and what we've been given."
Saturday, August 8, 2015
Come to Hey Zeus
"I should have just gone home. The only reason I came out was
because it was PJ's birthday. I didn't mean to bring everyone else down."
"We WANT you there. You need to start seeing how awesome you are. I know your situation sucks, but you've got to be positive about the things that are good."
Another almost 2:00 AM conversation in her sanctuary, this time with the BFF. Almost everything she was saying she knew to be true...but she could only see it through the heavy veil of the desperation and depression she was experiencing. She was nearsighted, and her BFF was holding the truth very far away. Not so far as that she couldn't see it was the truth, but it was hard to know how to get back to it. It was all so very blurry.
Her confidence was shot, that was for sure. She would work on it, in the meantime she felt like she had messed things up with the guy. The BFF said "He called me and said we should go down and visit you at lunch, that you were going through something big and we should be there for you."
That lunch break had been a little heartbreaking for her, as she tried to explain what was happening to them, but then kept getting cut off. She had invited just him, but he had brought her BFF along without asking. She was always happy to see her BFF, but it hindered her socially as soon as someone else was involved. People get interrupted, you start talking about someone else. It's no longer communicating, but entertaining.
If it had just been one of them, they could have sat down and had an interesting conversation. Now that it was a threesome, she felt the need to take them to a coffee shop for snacks. It didn't accomplish what it set out to accomplish. In addition, it felt like he didn't want to be alone with her.
Her BFF's "You're awesome stop beating yourself up" speech came with extra conversation, mostly about PJ. She'd forgotten to just be selfish and open up. There were just too many people all the time. No one wanted to hear about her. She didn't want to work that hard just to be heard.
"We WANT you there. You need to start seeing how awesome you are. I know your situation sucks, but you've got to be positive about the things that are good."
Another almost 2:00 AM conversation in her sanctuary, this time with the BFF. Almost everything she was saying she knew to be true...but she could only see it through the heavy veil of the desperation and depression she was experiencing. She was nearsighted, and her BFF was holding the truth very far away. Not so far as that she couldn't see it was the truth, but it was hard to know how to get back to it. It was all so very blurry.
Her confidence was shot, that was for sure. She would work on it, in the meantime she felt like she had messed things up with the guy. The BFF said "He called me and said we should go down and visit you at lunch, that you were going through something big and we should be there for you."
That lunch break had been a little heartbreaking for her, as she tried to explain what was happening to them, but then kept getting cut off. She had invited just him, but he had brought her BFF along without asking. She was always happy to see her BFF, but it hindered her socially as soon as someone else was involved. People get interrupted, you start talking about someone else. It's no longer communicating, but entertaining.
If it had just been one of them, they could have sat down and had an interesting conversation. Now that it was a threesome, she felt the need to take them to a coffee shop for snacks. It didn't accomplish what it set out to accomplish. In addition, it felt like he didn't want to be alone with her.
Her BFF's "You're awesome stop beating yourself up" speech came with extra conversation, mostly about PJ. She'd forgotten to just be selfish and open up. There were just too many people all the time. No one wanted to hear about her. She didn't want to work that hard just to be heard.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
Life and Death in the Wild
She was feeling low enough that she had scheduled a cry in her commute back into the city. She preset a tissue so her eyesight wouldn't be blurry for the drive. This was her life now. Breaking down in-between human interactions. If it wasn't his birthday she would have just gone home, had some ramen, and gone to bed.
As she turned the corner to get back to the freeway, her breath caught in her throat as she saw a beautiful deer on her side of the road. Since the road was almost always barren, she immediately pulled to a stop on the road to get a photo. As she was fumbling for her phone, a baby jumped out into the road to follow it's mother. If she hadn't stopped for a photo, she would have hit that baby. The gravity of what might have happened made her pause and just enjoy the moment instead of getting a picture. Then another baby jumped out and also crossed the road to rejoin the family.
Even though she was already running late, she stayed stopped on the road for another minute, anticipating more deer. She didn't want to be destructive to anyone but herself.
PJ's birthday dinner made her sick, the movie not as funny the second time around. At one point the BFF asked her if she was okay. She said no. It wasn't pushed any further. At the end of the evening the BFF tried to push her into another activity the next day. The drama played on.
As she turned the corner to get back to the freeway, her breath caught in her throat as she saw a beautiful deer on her side of the road. Since the road was almost always barren, she immediately pulled to a stop on the road to get a photo. As she was fumbling for her phone, a baby jumped out into the road to follow it's mother. If she hadn't stopped for a photo, she would have hit that baby. The gravity of what might have happened made her pause and just enjoy the moment instead of getting a picture. Then another baby jumped out and also crossed the road to rejoin the family.
Even though she was already running late, she stayed stopped on the road for another minute, anticipating more deer. She didn't want to be destructive to anyone but herself.
PJ's birthday dinner made her sick, the movie not as funny the second time around. At one point the BFF asked her if she was okay. She said no. It wasn't pushed any further. At the end of the evening the BFF tried to push her into another activity the next day. The drama played on.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Irritation Squared
She felt like she was outside during a hurricane, able to see the eye of the storm on the horizon. Dirt stung her eyes, yet there was no shelter to seek.
She realized she was trying too hard to be happy. She flipped the radio to 90's alternative and embraced the emotion.
She was getting a bad attitude about everything. It really all boiled down to no one listening or caring about her feelings or needs. A meeting scheduled when she said she couldn't make it, putting her in a bad position at work. When she got to the meeting, it was canceled because they hadn't thought about something else being in that space already.
All the while she is stressed out and texting people she already had plans with, going back and forth with when she would be there. He texted "I don't know what I'll be doing by 7. You're welcome to drop it off here when you are done with work, if you like. I'll be here cleaning."
Which sounded dismissive, and not at all helpful. Her heart sank. As if he heard it, a follow up text appeared. "And, then let me know when you are done with your meeting please. I hope you are staying cool today :) :) :)"
Her heart still stayed pretty sunk despite his kind words. Later that night her BFF played devil's advocate to something that was really bothering her in her marriage, adding to her isolated feeling. She felt so utterly alone. She had finally found someone that she could be 100% herself with...but she was now having to hide, again, who she truly was.
She texted her friend Mo. "I'm just getting sick of being held to a higher standard than everyone else, without any of the benefits. I complained to the BFF later and she basically said I was wrong with the situation with the husband, when he was the one who just spent the last 7 months blowing through all of my savings. Why do I always have to be the better person? And if we end up getting a divorce, I'll be the one everyone hates. I'll never even come close to winning."
If it wasn't for PJ's birthday that day, she would just get in her car and keep driving. In this "death spiral" it was really difficult for her to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. She just wanted to turn away from it all forever.
She realized she was trying too hard to be happy. She flipped the radio to 90's alternative and embraced the emotion.
She was getting a bad attitude about everything. It really all boiled down to no one listening or caring about her feelings or needs. A meeting scheduled when she said she couldn't make it, putting her in a bad position at work. When she got to the meeting, it was canceled because they hadn't thought about something else being in that space already.
All the while she is stressed out and texting people she already had plans with, going back and forth with when she would be there. He texted "I don't know what I'll be doing by 7. You're welcome to drop it off here when you are done with work, if you like. I'll be here cleaning."
Which sounded dismissive, and not at all helpful. Her heart sank. As if he heard it, a follow up text appeared. "And, then let me know when you are done with your meeting please. I hope you are staying cool today :) :) :)"
Her heart still stayed pretty sunk despite his kind words. Later that night her BFF played devil's advocate to something that was really bothering her in her marriage, adding to her isolated feeling. She felt so utterly alone. She had finally found someone that she could be 100% herself with...but she was now having to hide, again, who she truly was.
She texted her friend Mo. "I'm just getting sick of being held to a higher standard than everyone else, without any of the benefits. I complained to the BFF later and she basically said I was wrong with the situation with the husband, when he was the one who just spent the last 7 months blowing through all of my savings. Why do I always have to be the better person? And if we end up getting a divorce, I'll be the one everyone hates. I'll never even come close to winning."
If it wasn't for PJ's birthday that day, she would just get in her car and keep driving. In this "death spiral" it was really difficult for her to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel. She just wanted to turn away from it all forever.
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
The Race
Uncharacteristically, she was running late. There were quite a few slow people on the road, but despite that she was in a good place at the halfway point. She was going to make it.
As she sped up the hill, she saw a train in the distance just ahead. One of her favorite parts of her job was hearing the trains pass by several times a day, but she was on the other side of the tracks. If she didn't beat this train, it was over. She was going to be late.
Go Big or Go Home started on the radio, and she was filled with a sudden knowledge that she would make it. She just knew that there were no police around, no one to stop her, so she hit the gas hard, passing all the other cars on the road. As she cruised past the middle of the extremely long train, the song urged her further.
It was nowhere in sight as she tore around the corner and across the tracks. The horn sounded, and she was just putting her foot outside her car door when it blew past. She felt triumphant.
As she sped up the hill, she saw a train in the distance just ahead. One of her favorite parts of her job was hearing the trains pass by several times a day, but she was on the other side of the tracks. If she didn't beat this train, it was over. She was going to be late.
Go Big or Go Home started on the radio, and she was filled with a sudden knowledge that she would make it. She just knew that there were no police around, no one to stop her, so she hit the gas hard, passing all the other cars on the road. As she cruised past the middle of the extremely long train, the song urged her further.
It was nowhere in sight as she tore around the corner and across the tracks. The horn sounded, and she was just putting her foot outside her car door when it blew past. She felt triumphant.
Monday, August 3, 2015
The Day of Unrest
She was up by 7:00 AM again, unable to go back to sleep. She still felt a little intoxicated, but not hungover. The weight of the last evening still weighed heavily upon her. She never got a hangover, and she wasn't about to start with two dirty martinis. She wasn't that old yet.
She waited for the husband to wake up. She waited a long time, half the day was done when she finally got him to get going. She ran errands for her mother, then went to the store to make the BFF some oreo truffles to thank her for all her work on the play. It was really a thank you for all she had done to help out the husband with the show.
Around 2 PM a wave of fatigue hit her like a slow motion car wreck scene from a movie. Her vision had been blurry all day, but it had started to double. She asked the husband for help with the baking, hoping he would see how tired she was. He looked past her, did the bare minimum of what was expected of him, and went back to his computer.
She finished up, burning her foot on boiling water and scooping up balls of chocolate on top of stacks of paper. She clearly couldn't bake in her mother's hoarder house again. The anxiety of all the things piled up around was the only thing keeping her awake.
A few friendly text messages from PJ got her until 9:30 at night. Then the weight came her shoulders, her chest. It was time to relinquish consciousness once more.
She waited for the husband to wake up. She waited a long time, half the day was done when she finally got him to get going. She ran errands for her mother, then went to the store to make the BFF some oreo truffles to thank her for all her work on the play. It was really a thank you for all she had done to help out the husband with the show.
Around 2 PM a wave of fatigue hit her like a slow motion car wreck scene from a movie. Her vision had been blurry all day, but it had started to double. She asked the husband for help with the baking, hoping he would see how tired she was. He looked past her, did the bare minimum of what was expected of him, and went back to his computer.
She finished up, burning her foot on boiling water and scooping up balls of chocolate on top of stacks of paper. She clearly couldn't bake in her mother's hoarder house again. The anxiety of all the things piled up around was the only thing keeping her awake.
A few friendly text messages from PJ got her until 9:30 at night. Then the weight came her shoulders, her chest. It was time to relinquish consciousness once more.
Sunday, August 2, 2015
Curtain Call
He had asked if she'd like to meet up before the show, she acquiesced and then launched into the death spiral of possibilities Was it a request for a goodbye? Was he simply being nice? Did the talk have impact on him and he saw that he needed to reach out to maintain the friendship? Maybe it was to end the friendship, maybe she had gotten weird.
It was a simple thank you dinner, his treat, to thank her for her services on the play. He had played a minor role, and didn't need to thank her for anything. He was just that kind of guy. It was another awesome conversation, about how relationships work and how different people react to different things. She, against better judgement, advised him on how to deal with his new girl. It didn't feel like an end, and it made her feel a little better about the continuation of their friendship. However, only time would really tell.
***
The play went by too fast, there was not enough time for emotional moments. She hugged everyone before they went onstage, but everyone was tired. It was the end of their rope, their acting stride long behind them. The show was anything from perfect, but it was enough. She had two dirty martinis at the bar to keep the dulled senses going until she had time to properly deal with it. Having another play lined up helped, but she would have some ennui tomorrow. She had great conversations at the bar, her emotions safely tucked behind the vodka and olive brine. She thought they would stay awhile, into the night feeling the rest of the play...play out.
She was wrong.
Everyone decided to leave when she was still intoxicated. No one wanted to stay with her. She was very careful as she drove home, but the abandonment was what messed with her equilibrium. Would she always be disappointed in people and their ability to love?
It was a simple thank you dinner, his treat, to thank her for her services on the play. He had played a minor role, and didn't need to thank her for anything. He was just that kind of guy. It was another awesome conversation, about how relationships work and how different people react to different things. She, against better judgement, advised him on how to deal with his new girl. It didn't feel like an end, and it made her feel a little better about the continuation of their friendship. However, only time would really tell.
***
The play went by too fast, there was not enough time for emotional moments. She hugged everyone before they went onstage, but everyone was tired. It was the end of their rope, their acting stride long behind them. The show was anything from perfect, but it was enough. She had two dirty martinis at the bar to keep the dulled senses going until she had time to properly deal with it. Having another play lined up helped, but she would have some ennui tomorrow. She had great conversations at the bar, her emotions safely tucked behind the vodka and olive brine. She thought they would stay awhile, into the night feeling the rest of the play...play out.
She was wrong.
Everyone decided to leave when she was still intoxicated. No one wanted to stay with her. She was very careful as she drove home, but the abandonment was what messed with her equilibrium. Would she always be disappointed in people and their ability to love?
Saturday, August 1, 2015
La Petite Mort
It happens at the end of every show. She knew that they would never be in this
configuration again. Sure, some of them
would have other shows together, and meet new people. Those times would also be great and unique,
but it was the current show that was near the end; dying. This had been a premiere of an original play
never produced before. The playwright
had become a friend. Everyone had become
a friend, some more than others.
She was walking with him back to her car to get his stuff. The bar noises slowly faded the further they walked away. He looked pensive, and she knew, almost without having to ask, what he was feeling.
"Having some feelings about the end of the show?"
He was. He was happy with what they had accomplished, and he was thinking of the last show the next day. He asked what her feelings were, and she told him the truth, that she would miss the special bond that this particular production had shared. She was already mourning the loss, yet at the same time was happy for it to be over. He looked at her incredulously and asked her if she thought that everyone would just stop hanging out as they did now. In that moment, she was reminded that in life, he was Gatsby and she was Nick Carraway.
The answer was yes, but just because everything would be different. People are less likely to hang out if they didn't all just come from the same event. He was in a new relationship now, which would take up much of his time. She took a deep breath and told him that she was done reaching out to him. She knew he wouldn't take this the wrong way, and he understood she was saying he was busy and she didn't want to get in the way. She reminded him that she would hang out with him everyday after work if he asked. But he would have to ask.
Friday, July 31, 2015
Thunder
She sat by the picnic table reading the book he had suggested, thinking about how he'd liked all her social media that day but had yet to text her. She was upset how much it bothered her. She needed to shake this attachment to him.
She tried to concentrate on the book, but her mind wandered. She remembered a couple weeks ago when he told her he would hold off the rain so she could have lunch outside. She pretended to be mad when lunch came around and it had just started to rain, as if he had caused it to mess with her. There had also been a deep rumbling of thunder just over the towering mountains. She found an awning and and bench so she could enjoy the book, and told him that he was off the hook. It was the last time she remembered being able to concentrate on this book, but she was almost done with it.
Today was hot and dry, at least 97 degrees. No chance of rain...no chance of anything.
Yet she could still hear the thunder rumbling. It sounded like it was coming from the mountains, but she was sure it was also coming from inside her.
She tried to concentrate on the book, but her mind wandered. She remembered a couple weeks ago when he told her he would hold off the rain so she could have lunch outside. She pretended to be mad when lunch came around and it had just started to rain, as if he had caused it to mess with her. There had also been a deep rumbling of thunder just over the towering mountains. She found an awning and and bench so she could enjoy the book, and told him that he was off the hook. It was the last time she remembered being able to concentrate on this book, but she was almost done with it.
Today was hot and dry, at least 97 degrees. No chance of rain...no chance of anything.
Yet she could still hear the thunder rumbling. It sounded like it was coming from the mountains, but she was sure it was also coming from inside her.
Thursday, July 30, 2015
Texting
"Ugh this week is the worst!"
"I forgot to write you back!"
"What should I do? Idk who all his friends are!"
"I mean...maybe we can all just go to the bar or something? Ugh! Idk!! What do people do?!"
"The week didn't give you bedbugs!"
"But between the new job, house/dog sitting, and now trying to find a new place and get rid of the old...I'm fucking pooped."
"You have a perfect boyfriend to help you move, a temp place to live that doesn't have bedbugs, and a better paying job to pay for it all."
*Hours of silence*
"Have you thought about what you are going to do for his birthday? It's pretty close."
"Bitch I was LITERALLY JUST THINKING ABOUT THAT!!!"
"Is that the week he will be out of town?"
"Yes. I think so."
"Boo. Then we have to do something sooner! Well, you do anyway. I'm not fucking him, dude is just getting a card from me."
"I've only fucked him once Penny!"
"Well that is one more time than I'm gonna do it! One fuck=party planning person. Sorry sister."
I've made you feel better, now make yourself feel better. I'm done. I can't make you happy with my ideal life. Minus the bedbugs.
*Hours of silence*
"I forgot to write you back!"
"What should I do? Idk who all his friends are!"
"I mean...maybe we can all just go to the bar or something? Ugh! Idk!! What do people do?!"
"Well, he's an introvert, he might just want to spend the night with you. You should ask him."
"Well we are going on a breakfast date the Sunday after we close to celebrate his birthday and to officially go on a date lol I'll ask what his dreams of 39 look like."
"He'll appreciate you being straight forward. Just ask him if he wants a party, a get together at a bar, or alone time."
Being in a relationship you aren't even a part of is exasperating.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Driving Slowly
Her car was fast becoming her only source of solitude. Although the temperature had dropped since the sun had gone down, she rolled down her driver's side window. Her shoulder grew cold and a chill came through her body, but she kept the window open all the way home. She had this vague notion that she could freeze the emotions out of her if she tried hard enough. Maybe her heartbeat would slow to a manageable pace.
She was in a constant flux of dealing with other people's emotions. She took on everyone else's emotions, and there was no room left for hers inside her mind. She was feeling everyone else's emotions or she was frozen, shut down. There was no inbetween.
Her car smelled of no one else tonight. Her BFF had been the last one in it, and only for a brief moment. Her sanctuary had become hers again. She wasn't sure she ever wanted to let anyone back in. If only she could stop her mind from wandering to her own stupid overzealous emotions.
The moon was so bright she could have turned off her headlights. Even tonight she couldn't disappear completely if she wanted to. She concentrated harder on the cold air coming into the car. It wasn't working.
She was in a constant flux of dealing with other people's emotions. She took on everyone else's emotions, and there was no room left for hers inside her mind. She was feeling everyone else's emotions or she was frozen, shut down. There was no inbetween.
Her car smelled of no one else tonight. Her BFF had been the last one in it, and only for a brief moment. Her sanctuary had become hers again. She wasn't sure she ever wanted to let anyone back in. If only she could stop her mind from wandering to her own stupid overzealous emotions.
The moon was so bright she could have turned off her headlights. Even tonight she couldn't disappear completely if she wanted to. She concentrated harder on the cold air coming into the car. It wasn't working.
Monday, July 27, 2015
Sea Foam
"Well, now, you are grown up,” said the old dowager, her grandmother; “so you must let me adorn you like your other sisters;” and she placed a wreath of white lilies in her hair, and every flower leaf was half a pearl. Then the old lady ordered eight great oysters to attach themselves to the tail of the princess to show her high rank.
“But they hurt me so,” said the little mermaid.
“Pride must suffer pain,” replied the old lady.
***Unseen she kissed the forehead of her bride, and fanned the prince, and then mounted with the other children of the air to a rosy cloud that floated through the aether.
-Hans Christian Andersen, The Little Mermaid
After the past month of trodding on sharp knives, she had finally reached the point of becoming a daughter of the air. She was comforting and helping the girl who had won her prince's heart. Reassuring the bride of his love and devotion despite an interloper monopolizing his time. This interloper would be gone soon, and they both would have him back, in their own way.
Of course, the little mermaid never had the prince or his full heart. Hopefully she would always have his friendship, and he would never treat her as the prince treated the little mermaid. She would just continue on, her oysters hurting her tail to distract her from the pain in her heart.
Of course, the little mermaid never had the prince or his full heart. Hopefully she would always have his friendship, and he would never treat her as the prince treated the little mermaid. She would just continue on, her oysters hurting her tail to distract her from the pain in her heart.
Sunday, July 26, 2015
Anniversary
She winced every time someone wished them a Happy Anniversary. It was like a dagger in her heart, she was physically feeling pain. No one had done it before, and it didn't feel special. The occasional Facebook post or a card had come, but for the most part it had always just been a date. The date that always reminded her that when she woke up 11 years ago, she had felt like going to see a movie instead.
Not that she didn't love him then. Not that she didn't love him now. The love has just changed, evolved, devolved. Things were different now, and being seen in a different light. A book on love languages was seemingly ignored, but then her love language was suddenly being taken care of slowly. It turns out he had heard and thought about it, but seemed to ignore it when she wanted to discuss it. She wondered for how long that would actually last, feeding the romance. She guessed it would be about a month before things went back to "the old normal."
In the meantime it was easing the stress level by a smidge. It wasn't really helping her great feelings of loneliness and isolation in her current run of friends. She felt everyone else had a stronger connection to another person, and her anxiety and fear of rejection stopped her from really sharing or allowing herself to get close to all but one. PJ.
PJ had just started a relationship with another mutual friend AB, and she could see and feel him emotionally slipping away. He wasn't the type to be anything but 100% with a girl, so their friendship had lasted a few short months before essentially dying on the vine. A snippy response from him on something that wasn't a big deal had crushed her. Happiness for others and jealousy are emotions that ride shotgun alongside each other.
Maybe it was mostly her overwrought emotion, and it wasn't all this terribly empty life laid out in front of her. Suicide entered her thoughts again, but not like the serious times before. She didn't really want death, just something different from what she had.
Not that she didn't love him then. Not that she didn't love him now. The love has just changed, evolved, devolved. Things were different now, and being seen in a different light. A book on love languages was seemingly ignored, but then her love language was suddenly being taken care of slowly. It turns out he had heard and thought about it, but seemed to ignore it when she wanted to discuss it. She wondered for how long that would actually last, feeding the romance. She guessed it would be about a month before things went back to "the old normal."
In the meantime it was easing the stress level by a smidge. It wasn't really helping her great feelings of loneliness and isolation in her current run of friends. She felt everyone else had a stronger connection to another person, and her anxiety and fear of rejection stopped her from really sharing or allowing herself to get close to all but one. PJ.
PJ had just started a relationship with another mutual friend AB, and she could see and feel him emotionally slipping away. He wasn't the type to be anything but 100% with a girl, so their friendship had lasted a few short months before essentially dying on the vine. A snippy response from him on something that wasn't a big deal had crushed her. Happiness for others and jealousy are emotions that ride shotgun alongside each other.
Maybe it was mostly her overwrought emotion, and it wasn't all this terribly empty life laid out in front of her. Suicide entered her thoughts again, but not like the serious times before. She didn't really want death, just something different from what she had.
Wednesday, July 22, 2015
You See, It's Like This...
She opened her car door 4 hours after the fact, and the interior still smelled of his breath. The scent of Starburst shared from the movie, his beer, and heavy conversation had stayed behind all night as if to signal it's importance.
Last night it had become humid and uncomfortable in the car near the end, but otherwise she could have stayed there forever, having a conversation that would never be finished, maybe for the rest of their lives. She imagined them up in heaven having existential conversations, never realizing that they had themselves become existential. They would look up one day and realize this was their heaven.
The air conditioner and her essential oils blew away his comforting smell as the long drive to work dwindled onward. She almost missed the warmth of it, then realized that even without the smell it had still happened, no one could take it away. He had shared a big part of what made him who he was, and that was precious. She had wanted to share too, to support him in his words. However there was too much to say, and so that night she had said nothing. There would always be time later.
Hopefully.
She drove under the overpass that lead to his house and set the cruise control as she sailed under it, wondering if that was a metaphor for something.
Last night it had become humid and uncomfortable in the car near the end, but otherwise she could have stayed there forever, having a conversation that would never be finished, maybe for the rest of their lives. She imagined them up in heaven having existential conversations, never realizing that they had themselves become existential. They would look up one day and realize this was their heaven.
The air conditioner and her essential oils blew away his comforting smell as the long drive to work dwindled onward. She almost missed the warmth of it, then realized that even without the smell it had still happened, no one could take it away. He had shared a big part of what made him who he was, and that was precious. She had wanted to share too, to support him in his words. However there was too much to say, and so that night she had said nothing. There would always be time later.
Hopefully.
She drove under the overpass that lead to his house and set the cruise control as she sailed under it, wondering if that was a metaphor for something.
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