Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Irritation Squared

She felt like she was outside during a hurricane, able to see the eye of the storm on the horizon.  Dirt stung her eyes, yet there was no shelter to seek.

She realized she was trying too hard to be happy.  She flipped the radio to 90's alternative and embraced the emotion.

She was getting a bad attitude about everything.  It really all boiled down to no one listening or caring about her feelings or needs.  A meeting scheduled when she said she couldn't make it, putting her in a bad position at work.  When she got to the meeting, it was canceled because they hadn't thought about something else being in that space already.

All the while she is stressed out and texting people she already had plans with, going back and forth with when she would be there.  He texted "I don't know what I'll be doing by 7.  You're welcome to drop it off here when you are done with work, if you like.  I'll be here cleaning."

Which sounded dismissive, and not at all helpful.  Her heart sank.  As if he heard it, a follow up text appeared.  "And, then let me know when you are done with your meeting please.  I hope you are staying cool today :) :) :)"

Her heart still stayed pretty sunk despite his kind words.  Later that night her BFF played devil's advocate to something that was really bothering her in her marriage, adding to her isolated feeling.  She felt so utterly alone.  She had finally found someone that she could be 100% herself with...but she was now having to hide, again, who she truly was.

She texted her friend Mo.  "I'm just getting sick of being held to a higher standard than everyone else, without any of the benefits.  I complained to the BFF later and she basically said I was wrong with the situation with the husband, when he was the one who just spent the last 7 months blowing through all of my savings.  Why do I always have to be the better person?  And if we end up getting a divorce, I'll be the one everyone hates.  I'll never even come close to winning."

If it wasn't for PJ's birthday that day, she would just get in her car and keep driving. In this "death spiral" it was really difficult for her to see any kind of light at the end of the tunnel.  She just wanted to turn away from it all forever.


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