"You haven't talked to Nameless all month? Yeah, he's done. He's ghosted you, it's over." Goldie stated. Of course, Goldie had also said that he was being a gentleman and waiting a few dates before he made a move because he was serious about her. So what was the truth?
A day later she decided she wouldn't take ghosting lying down so she sent him a text message:
"So, are you ghosting me or what? Blink once for yes."
His response, albeit a little later, was reassuring. He wanted to meet up next week for sure, he had just had a lot of stuff come down on him at work and he got overwhelmed. She smiled and felt reassured that he had honestly gotten busy and hadn't forgotten about her.
They had picked a bar at the base of her building, so she bragged to him that she'd be able to do a quick stumble home. He was, of course jealous, and gave her a hard time as soon as they met up.
He said he might make the move to the midtown area down the street from her building. Even though it was silly she thought about how much easier it would be to just meet up at the bar in the middle if he was that close. Even sleepovers randomly made it's way to her head, a silly fleeting thought. He hadn't even made a move...as far as she knew, they were still just being friendly.
Their conversation was, as always, easy to fall into. It was as if they had just had their last conversation, even though they talked that it had been since a few weeks before her tonsillectomy that they had even seen each other.
"I'm busy!" He would constantly state, exasperated. With a job 4 hours away on the weekends and going for his graduate degree as well as working a full time job during the week, she honestly believed that he had just been overwhelmed.
After a couple of drinks he slowly went from facing the bar to turning his body around to her. He propped his leg up on her chair, and she rested her arm on his leg.
She couldn't remember how it was brought up, but she mentioned her date the day before with the naive boy and how he was sweet, but was so not for her.
"You date a lot." Nameless said, completely devoid of jealousy or feeling, just stating a fact.
"Not really. Honestly you are the only one who has gotten past a first date in a really long time. You are the only person I date regularly, which is sad considering how often you are unavailable."
"Yeah it is," he said, amused at first, then thoughtful.
"What about you? Had any eventful dates?" She asked him.
"I don't have time...I've been on a few but..you can see it in their eyes when I tell them how busy I am."
She smiled "I know that look. I get it all the time. Now that I'm not doing theatre anymore I'm a little more available but guys don't really think going out for pho at 11 at night because that's the only time I have to spare is great. They tend to just give up because I'm also so disinterested in them."
He nodded, saying "They are always checked out by the middle of the date. They don't get that what I'm doing is important, and it won't always be like this. In a year I'll be done with my Master's degree and I'll have more time. I'll be more available. But they don't even want to wait for the end of that sentence. You're cool though, you know..."
She interrupted him; "I get it. You are crazy busy. I don't take it personally. I enjoy our time together a lot. Does it suck it isn't more frequent? Sure...but I don't blame you for it. I don't get mad. It is what it is."
"It's so great that you get it." He said. She smiled at him. They fell into a comfortable silence.
"It might be a few weeks before I can meet up again." He said. She smiled and said "I figured."
The energy shifted, and he leaned forward and kissed her right at the bar. He was so gentle and delicate that it took her by surprise. He had talked about his wild rock and roll style past being a musician, so she expected him to feel a little more dangerous.
He pulled away and looked into her eyes. "I could try and make some time next week."
She smiled at him and just simply said "Okay."
He leaned forward and kissed her again.
"Maybe later this week."
Her grin widened and she quipped "Now don't go making promises you can't keep."
"You know I always just keep you out as late as possible so I can spend more time with you. I could never forget about you, I'm just always so busy." He said earnestly.
She smiled at him again and said "I get it."
"It just feels like it's so long in-between when we see each other it's like starting over."
"You don't have to feel like that."
They started talking about Marvel and DC, and she brought up a movie that she hadn't seen yet. He became adamant that she had to see it. He would watch it with her. He was being so adorable about his enthusiasm that she couldn't help herself, and leaned forward and kissed him.
They shut down the bar and spent some time outside talking. They got a few bums asking for their spare change and quickly realized that hanging out in that area wasn't the greatest idea. They kicked around the idea of going to another bar, but he had an early morning. Eventually they parted ways, with him teasing her about getting the "vomit elevator" when she got home, the service elevator with the carpet walls.
She texted him when she got back to her apartment. "Ha, I didn't get the vomit elevator!"
He responded that she'd most likely get it in the morning, then asked her what flavor her lip balm was. She told him she thought that she'd worn peppermint and wild orange that day. He said the orange made sense but he didn't get peppermint. She asked if that was a good thing or a bad thing.
"That I can still taste you...good. Not knowing what flavor it was...puzzling."
"Fair. And Cute. In a nerdy scientist kind of way 😋"
Friday, June 30, 2017
Wednesday, June 28, 2017
Naive to the Nth Degree
She'd had her doubts from the beginning with this guy. He had messaged her back in December and stopped messaging after she'd made mention of her love for sushi. She figured that raw fish was just one step too far for him and wrote him off.
He popped back in and immediately wanted to meet. It was a little too fast for her and she told him she was busy the rest of the week. They talked and the conversation was boring, but at least he spoke in full and complete sentences without any major typos. He had higher education completed, but was 6 years younger than her. He sent her a link to his blog about his job, then later sent her a picture from the same blog. She noted that she had already seen it, and he responded "You actually looked!! It just made me happy that you care."
He was a little too easy to impress. He had sent it, she had read it. It was common courtesy. She perused it, she didn't actually read through the whole thing. She had done what she assumed was the bare minimum. He invited her to a concert he was having with his students, she told him she had to work. He said he admired her work ethic. She just worked when they told her too. He was certainly celebrating mediocrity.
Then his questions started getting a little too personal. He wanted to know what floor she lived on, where she worked, her last name...all things she wasn't comfortable telling a stranger. One night he was down the street and wanted to take a walk with her at 11 PM at night. She made excuses, trying not to hurt his feelings. He persisted, and she had to shut him down pretty harshly. Still, he persisted.
As soon as he opened his mouth she realized he was just the most naive person in the world. His voice was effeminate, but earnest. He didn't know what Catfishing was. He had no idea how he was coming off in his texts to her. "I was just excited to meet you, I didn't think about it being almost midnight!"
In the end, he was a very sweet guy...but she had already raised a boy and wasn't about to start all over again with another one. She told him they could be just friends.
He popped back in and immediately wanted to meet. It was a little too fast for her and she told him she was busy the rest of the week. They talked and the conversation was boring, but at least he spoke in full and complete sentences without any major typos. He had higher education completed, but was 6 years younger than her. He sent her a link to his blog about his job, then later sent her a picture from the same blog. She noted that she had already seen it, and he responded "You actually looked!! It just made me happy that you care."
He was a little too easy to impress. He had sent it, she had read it. It was common courtesy. She perused it, she didn't actually read through the whole thing. She had done what she assumed was the bare minimum. He invited her to a concert he was having with his students, she told him she had to work. He said he admired her work ethic. She just worked when they told her too. He was certainly celebrating mediocrity.
Then his questions started getting a little too personal. He wanted to know what floor she lived on, where she worked, her last name...all things she wasn't comfortable telling a stranger. One night he was down the street and wanted to take a walk with her at 11 PM at night. She made excuses, trying not to hurt his feelings. He persisted, and she had to shut him down pretty harshly. Still, he persisted.
As soon as he opened his mouth she realized he was just the most naive person in the world. His voice was effeminate, but earnest. He didn't know what Catfishing was. He had no idea how he was coming off in his texts to her. "I was just excited to meet you, I didn't think about it being almost midnight!"
In the end, he was a very sweet guy...but she had already raised a boy and wasn't about to start all over again with another one. She told him they could be just friends.
Monday, June 26, 2017
How to Save a Friendship
"You can either love it and live with it, hate it and live with it, or leave it." BFF said. She had reached out to her and they had an afternoon together, mending their limping relationship. BFF had started seeing a therapist who had drilled that platitude into her existence. She wondered if, eventually, BFF was going to say that she was "leaving it" with their friendship. When they left each other, it seemed better.
Her childhood best friend, Unicorn, had been going through a hard time, so she reached out to her and met up at her house on the other side of town.
Unicorn opened the door and she was shocked at her friend's appearance. She had gained at least 50 pounds since she'd seen her last. Her heart went out to her, she was clearly going through a rough time.
After hearing what Unicorn had gone through, she shared her story of the last year. Unicorn was super supportive and non-judging. Unicorn understood her to the core, and she was beyond glad to have her back in her life.
They exorcised their demons with each other, and it was like nothing terrible had ever happened between them. They picked up like it was the 6th grade again, although their stories of their lives had...escalated.
She mentioned all of her misadventures in dating. Unicorn asked her why she felt compelled to date at all, stating if she ever split from her husband, she'd never date again. She told her that she had already essentially been alone for her whole life, and she felt like it was her time.
"So...it seems you are getting the life you always wanted in high school!"
She started laughing intensely. Unicorn was right, of course. In high school she had never dated anyone but always longed to have a high school relationship. She'd had a small taste of it prom night...before her prom date told her that he had found a girlfriend in-between asking her to prom and the actual night of prom.
She guessed it was just her time.
Her childhood best friend, Unicorn, had been going through a hard time, so she reached out to her and met up at her house on the other side of town.
Unicorn opened the door and she was shocked at her friend's appearance. She had gained at least 50 pounds since she'd seen her last. Her heart went out to her, she was clearly going through a rough time.
After hearing what Unicorn had gone through, she shared her story of the last year. Unicorn was super supportive and non-judging. Unicorn understood her to the core, and she was beyond glad to have her back in her life.
They exorcised their demons with each other, and it was like nothing terrible had ever happened between them. They picked up like it was the 6th grade again, although their stories of their lives had...escalated.
She mentioned all of her misadventures in dating. Unicorn asked her why she felt compelled to date at all, stating if she ever split from her husband, she'd never date again. She told her that she had already essentially been alone for her whole life, and she felt like it was her time.
"So...it seems you are getting the life you always wanted in high school!"
She started laughing intensely. Unicorn was right, of course. In high school she had never dated anyone but always longed to have a high school relationship. She'd had a small taste of it prom night...before her prom date told her that he had found a girlfriend in-between asking her to prom and the actual night of prom.
She guessed it was just her time.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Mourning
She had lately begun missing him and thinking about him a lot. Her ex was such a big part of her life for so long. She trusted him with her everything. At the beginning of their marriage he had gotten 100% of her. He might not have understood her completely, but he was willing to listen.
She missed him. She missed her best friend.
She wished she could tell him everything. She imagined a world where she could tell him about KSL and he would magically not be devastated. Instead he would empathize with her and tell her what she needed to hear...that she had dodged a bullet, and didn't deserve to be treated like that by anyone.
She wished she could tell him how beautiful it had been with Piz. How even though it still hurt like hell, it had also healed her when she needed it.
She wished more than anything that she felt comfortable coming to him with anything more than lighthearted fun for fear of crushing him. She missed being understood, cared for...not forgotten. Not the pretending kind that KSL did with her, but the actual caring kind that her ex did for so long.
But she had no right to try and get back in his life at this point. Even if she needed it...even if he needed it.
God did she ever need it. She felt like she was falling apart, and her heart was made of glass.
She missed him. She missed her best friend.
She wished she could tell him everything. She imagined a world where she could tell him about KSL and he would magically not be devastated. Instead he would empathize with her and tell her what she needed to hear...that she had dodged a bullet, and didn't deserve to be treated like that by anyone.
She wished she could tell him how beautiful it had been with Piz. How even though it still hurt like hell, it had also healed her when she needed it.
She wished more than anything that she felt comfortable coming to him with anything more than lighthearted fun for fear of crushing him. She missed being understood, cared for...not forgotten. Not the pretending kind that KSL did with her, but the actual caring kind that her ex did for so long.
But she had no right to try and get back in his life at this point. Even if she needed it...even if he needed it.
God did she ever need it. She felt like she was falling apart, and her heart was made of glass.
Monday, June 19, 2017
Confession
"Holy fucking shit Penny, what were you thinking telling IL about KSL? She's very much about being free and open and honest, and the holy spirit will move her in a couple of weeks and she'll go straight to your ex and tell him that you were together."
Goldie had been out of town during the last week of the show and she was catching her up. She almost wish she didn't because she immediately felt nauseated. Everyone would know. It would destroy her ex, almost completely.
She flashed forward in her mind to seeing him so completely devastated, and knowing she was the cause of it. If he ever found out, she would quite literally feel bad enough to end her life. She could not live in a world where she had hurt him that badly.
She'd deserve it. She'd deserve everyone hating her and she considered how she would be able to hide from everyone and live, again, without friends.
She felt everything crashing down around her. She had left Goldie hours before, but she texted her as if they were just continuing the conversation.
"Should I just tell the ex? The only thing worse than him finding out would be him finding out from someone other than me." She was still concerned that the whole Improv troupe knew but she didn't dare ask.
"Assume good. Leave it be and release your worries. IL won't say anything. If he learns it from someone else then just be open with him. Proactively telling him now would only be for your sake, not his. Protect him. Anything else would be selfish and cruel. Blunt enough answer?"
It was the truth, and exactly what she needed to hear.
Goldie had been out of town during the last week of the show and she was catching her up. She almost wish she didn't because she immediately felt nauseated. Everyone would know. It would destroy her ex, almost completely.
She flashed forward in her mind to seeing him so completely devastated, and knowing she was the cause of it. If he ever found out, she would quite literally feel bad enough to end her life. She could not live in a world where she had hurt him that badly.
She'd deserve it. She'd deserve everyone hating her and she considered how she would be able to hide from everyone and live, again, without friends.
She felt everything crashing down around her. She had left Goldie hours before, but she texted her as if they were just continuing the conversation.
"Should I just tell the ex? The only thing worse than him finding out would be him finding out from someone other than me." She was still concerned that the whole Improv troupe knew but she didn't dare ask.
"Assume good. Leave it be and release your worries. IL won't say anything. If he learns it from someone else then just be open with him. Proactively telling him now would only be for your sake, not his. Protect him. Anything else would be selfish and cruel. Blunt enough answer?"
It was the truth, and exactly what she needed to hear.
Friday, June 16, 2017
Thinly Veiled Symbolism
MG had talked at her all night, and she was tired. Tired of her opinions about how her and KSL were exactly like her and her ex were. She harped and harped on the fact that they were a dumpster fire just waiting to blow up. Even though they hadn't had sex in 6 months. MG drudged up all the emotions that she had so carefully put away.
She was distraught.
Her ex had done something terrible. Naturally, since they were still married that also had gotten her in trouble.
They needed to run.
She couldn't recall how, but they ended up splitting up in order to confuse the police, and she was stuck sleeping on the floor in someone's house she didn't recognize with a bunch of other friends.
"Okay everyone, make sure to keep her away from KSL!" BFF shouted loudly. She felt her face turn scarlet. She grew even more embarrassed as everyone followed instructions and started to smoosh her down so that she just gave up and went to an opposite corner of the room.
But in the middle of the night, she got up and snuggled up to KSL. She realized she did this just to spite everyone, and not because she had any romantic affection for him. She just wanted to be defiant.
She forgot she could do that. She had gone so long without having a good night's sleep, having solid REM sleep. She had completely forgotten that when other people drink, or smoke, as an outlet...she had dreamt to deal.
But she hadn't been able to do that in a long time. She had forgotten that she was able to do it, it had honestly been that long.
She wondered how many questionable decisions she'd made without having that outlet. Maybe she had been making horrible mistakes for years.
As she walked along the river to work, she couldn't even pretend to be angry or upset about it, because it had come back. She was elated. She had an emotion, dreamt her thinly veiled symbolic dream, and emerged with a greater understanding of herself. She had found herself again.
She smiled at the rushing river, the people walking their adorable dogs, even the pesky religious folk that tried to talk to her every day. The day was beautiful, she was on her own, and she was going to be okay.
She was distraught.
***
Her ex had done something terrible. Naturally, since they were still married that also had gotten her in trouble.
They needed to run.
She couldn't recall how, but they ended up splitting up in order to confuse the police, and she was stuck sleeping on the floor in someone's house she didn't recognize with a bunch of other friends.
"Okay everyone, make sure to keep her away from KSL!" BFF shouted loudly. She felt her face turn scarlet. She grew even more embarrassed as everyone followed instructions and started to smoosh her down so that she just gave up and went to an opposite corner of the room.
But in the middle of the night, she got up and snuggled up to KSL. She realized she did this just to spite everyone, and not because she had any romantic affection for him. She just wanted to be defiant.
***
She woke from the dream with an icky feeling of her thinly veiled emotions. Her dream had brought a lot to light. Then she realized...she had a dream. She had a fully formed, "working it out" dream. She felt like she had dealt with her emotions in the dream, and she woke up feeling completely resolved from them.She forgot she could do that. She had gone so long without having a good night's sleep, having solid REM sleep. She had completely forgotten that when other people drink, or smoke, as an outlet...she had dreamt to deal.
But she hadn't been able to do that in a long time. She had forgotten that she was able to do it, it had honestly been that long.
She wondered how many questionable decisions she'd made without having that outlet. Maybe she had been making horrible mistakes for years.
As she walked along the river to work, she couldn't even pretend to be angry or upset about it, because it had come back. She was elated. She had an emotion, dreamt her thinly veiled symbolic dream, and emerged with a greater understanding of herself. She had found herself again.
She smiled at the rushing river, the people walking their adorable dogs, even the pesky religious folk that tried to talk to her every day. The day was beautiful, she was on her own, and she was going to be okay.
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Birthday Date #1 of 0
"So what else have you done on your birthday dates so far?" Levi asked her as the wind whipped their hair on the way to dinner.
"Well KSL counts the night before my birthday, but that was a disaster and I don't count it at all. So this would be my first one. Pressure is on!"
She saw him smile out of the corner of her eye, and also smiled at the absurdity of it all.
"So professor, I decided I needed to do my homework for this date and I finished your book."
She felt his energy change and he started talking excitedly about it. They didn't waste any time discussing the location where the book took place, where he had lived for a few years and her for 10. They talked about the energy of that city and the interesting places that were there. They spent all of dinner having an amazing conversation and discussing mutual interests and friends. He said he'd like to read her blog and she said it was way too autobiographical right now to be read by anyone. She did tell him about her old blog and how much she liked describing things.
He asked if she was ready to leave, and she said "Sure, but where are we going? You said it was a surprise, I can't wait to see what you've planned!"
"Well, there are a couple of live music events happening tonight. We could do Folk music at the BBQ place, or Jazz at the hipster bar."
Her heart sank a tiny bit, as she expected a bit more since he had built the evening up so much. However, she countered with herself, he was a musician and this was kind of sharing a piece of himself with her. And he was giving her a couple of options, which was polite.
She remembered the loud BBQ place, where she had met up with Nameless last and they had both found the scene a bit too much and fled immediately. She chose Jazz.
"Do you mind if we stop by the house and let the dog out?" He said, saying it as if it was a house they shared together. She said she didn't mind, as she had met the dog last weekend and wouldn't mind another interaction.
"You haven't actually been in the house yet huh? Just dropping stuff off?" He said. They had talked about minimalism at dinner and he showed her his collection of vinyl and books, his "only two materialistic vices."
She met their cat for the first time and immediately fell in love. Levi actually had to ask her if she was ready to go to get her to remember she was on a date and not at a pet store. For a moment she wondered why they had come back to the house and wondered if it was a tactic, but so far she was getting zero flirting or chemistry from him. Did she miss the signal while being enamored with the pets?
They decided to walk as his car lights had been flickering on the way back from dinner and didn't feel safe. The awesome conversation continued, completely devoid of anything but the beginning of an awesome friendship. They listened to the jazz and made up short stories about the other characters in the bar.
Eventually they moved down the street to one of her favorite bars, where there were only a few people into the late hour. He moved over so they would be sitting on the same couch and continued their easy conversation.
The bar emptied out quickly, and they brought up the break up of the Improv team. He had been the musician for most of the last run but was told by most of the team that they just thought of him as IL's husband and not really part of the team. They had even waited until after he was out of town for a week to drop the ax on IL.
She looked over at him and her heart sank for him. She could see exactly why he felt like that, IL did have a big personality and tended to keep her things "hers" despite the polyamory. But it still must hurt to not be thought of a a separate, real person. She knew that feeling intimately because she was always her ex's wife and nothing more for years and years.
It was soul-crushing.
For the first time on the "date" she wanted to reach out and grab his hand. But her empathetic side was feeling nothing coming from him. She decided to use her words instead of physical touch. She told him about how hard it was to be the "other" in the relationship, and how horrible that must have been for him to go through and feel. It was completely unfair and sad. She could tell he knew she was being sincere.
It was so nice to be connecting with another writer who could understand where her emotions came from. She felt so emotionally fulfilled from their conversation throughout the night that she wasn't the least bit disappointed that there was no romance at all.
They walked through the dark back to his house, laughing about how they got kicked out of the bar because the bartender was parked illegally. The bartender had promised them a round on him next time they came in before turning them out on the street.
They got back to his house at the same time as IL, and they all hugged and shared a bit of their evenings before he stated that he was going to drive her home.
Luckily the lights mostly remained on, and they laughed whenever they flickered.
"Come 'ere, give me a hug." He said as he threw the car into park. "Working date soon for developing the stand up?" She asked. "You know it" he replied easily.
"Thanks for tonight, it was so much fun. My first Jazz!"
He smiled, and waited until she was to the front doors before he took the car into a U-turn to head back home.
"Well KSL counts the night before my birthday, but that was a disaster and I don't count it at all. So this would be my first one. Pressure is on!"
She saw him smile out of the corner of her eye, and also smiled at the absurdity of it all.
"So professor, I decided I needed to do my homework for this date and I finished your book."
She felt his energy change and he started talking excitedly about it. They didn't waste any time discussing the location where the book took place, where he had lived for a few years and her for 10. They talked about the energy of that city and the interesting places that were there. They spent all of dinner having an amazing conversation and discussing mutual interests and friends. He said he'd like to read her blog and she said it was way too autobiographical right now to be read by anyone. She did tell him about her old blog and how much she liked describing things.
He asked if she was ready to leave, and she said "Sure, but where are we going? You said it was a surprise, I can't wait to see what you've planned!"
"Well, there are a couple of live music events happening tonight. We could do Folk music at the BBQ place, or Jazz at the hipster bar."
Her heart sank a tiny bit, as she expected a bit more since he had built the evening up so much. However, she countered with herself, he was a musician and this was kind of sharing a piece of himself with her. And he was giving her a couple of options, which was polite.
She remembered the loud BBQ place, where she had met up with Nameless last and they had both found the scene a bit too much and fled immediately. She chose Jazz.
"Do you mind if we stop by the house and let the dog out?" He said, saying it as if it was a house they shared together. She said she didn't mind, as she had met the dog last weekend and wouldn't mind another interaction.
"You haven't actually been in the house yet huh? Just dropping stuff off?" He said. They had talked about minimalism at dinner and he showed her his collection of vinyl and books, his "only two materialistic vices."
She met their cat for the first time and immediately fell in love. Levi actually had to ask her if she was ready to go to get her to remember she was on a date and not at a pet store. For a moment she wondered why they had come back to the house and wondered if it was a tactic, but so far she was getting zero flirting or chemistry from him. Did she miss the signal while being enamored with the pets?
They decided to walk as his car lights had been flickering on the way back from dinner and didn't feel safe. The awesome conversation continued, completely devoid of anything but the beginning of an awesome friendship. They listened to the jazz and made up short stories about the other characters in the bar.
Eventually they moved down the street to one of her favorite bars, where there were only a few people into the late hour. He moved over so they would be sitting on the same couch and continued their easy conversation.
The bar emptied out quickly, and they brought up the break up of the Improv team. He had been the musician for most of the last run but was told by most of the team that they just thought of him as IL's husband and not really part of the team. They had even waited until after he was out of town for a week to drop the ax on IL.
She looked over at him and her heart sank for him. She could see exactly why he felt like that, IL did have a big personality and tended to keep her things "hers" despite the polyamory. But it still must hurt to not be thought of a a separate, real person. She knew that feeling intimately because she was always her ex's wife and nothing more for years and years.
It was soul-crushing.
For the first time on the "date" she wanted to reach out and grab his hand. But her empathetic side was feeling nothing coming from him. She decided to use her words instead of physical touch. She told him about how hard it was to be the "other" in the relationship, and how horrible that must have been for him to go through and feel. It was completely unfair and sad. She could tell he knew she was being sincere.
It was so nice to be connecting with another writer who could understand where her emotions came from. She felt so emotionally fulfilled from their conversation throughout the night that she wasn't the least bit disappointed that there was no romance at all.
They walked through the dark back to his house, laughing about how they got kicked out of the bar because the bartender was parked illegally. The bartender had promised them a round on him next time they came in before turning them out on the street.
They got back to his house at the same time as IL, and they all hugged and shared a bit of their evenings before he stated that he was going to drive her home.
Luckily the lights mostly remained on, and they laughed whenever they flickered.
"Come 'ere, give me a hug." He said as he threw the car into park. "Working date soon for developing the stand up?" She asked. "You know it" he replied easily.
"Thanks for tonight, it was so much fun. My first Jazz!"
He smiled, and waited until she was to the front doors before he took the car into a U-turn to head back home.
Monday, June 12, 2017
Dismantle the Space
The day after the Improv show they all came together to take down everything that had built up from years in the theatre space. Everyone threw themselves right into the work in order to avoid any emotion. The troupe trickled in through the hour, as punctuality had never been their strong suite.
She and IL had bonded over a trip to the capitol for coffee, and now everyone was in full on "what do we do?" mode. At one point IL sent her and Levi to their house about a mile away to pick up and drop off a load.
He was mostly quiet in the car, and she immediately became worried about how if they had nothing to talk about now, how badly the future date would be.
"Thanks for letting me kidnap your wife for some girl time this morning. It was nice, I think we both needed it."
"Both of you are amazing women, you don't deserve to be treated like that."
Awesome. Of course he knew too. How great was this pity date going to be? "Thanks." She left it at that, and thankfully he didn't pursue it. Instead they talked about how grateful they were that many people showed up to help out instead of leaving it all to IL. It was a short drive to the house and they unloaded and he said he'd take his own car back to the space so they would have another vehicle to throw things into.
She stepped back into the space and said "You didn't want him back, did you IL?" with a smile. IL laughed and said "For real, where is he?"
"Waiting in my apartment." They both laughed, and she confirmed he had been behind her with their own car.
They all gathered around near the end and went through all the memory boards for each round of shows that they performed. Because it was Improv and everything lived and died on the stage, it was hard remembering where certain handwritten lines had come from, or even who had said them.
They went to a local diner for food and more company and reminiscing. The conversation, for once, didn't completely surround the troupe and what they had done onstage. She found herself immersed and finally engaging in that much needed conversation she had been missing the last few weeks. They joked, they made plans, everything felt effortless...which almost made it even more sad. Why couldn't it have been like this the whole time?
They took the party from the diner to the bar, with she and SD hitching a ride with Levi in his topless VW Convertible. As she got in the back she realized this is what he would be picking her up in a few days in the future. She hoped it was going to be a night free of precipitation.
She went home and started reading Levi's book so she had something to talk about during the date.
She and IL had bonded over a trip to the capitol for coffee, and now everyone was in full on "what do we do?" mode. At one point IL sent her and Levi to their house about a mile away to pick up and drop off a load.
He was mostly quiet in the car, and she immediately became worried about how if they had nothing to talk about now, how badly the future date would be.
"Thanks for letting me kidnap your wife for some girl time this morning. It was nice, I think we both needed it."
"Both of you are amazing women, you don't deserve to be treated like that."
Awesome. Of course he knew too. How great was this pity date going to be? "Thanks." She left it at that, and thankfully he didn't pursue it. Instead they talked about how grateful they were that many people showed up to help out instead of leaving it all to IL. It was a short drive to the house and they unloaded and he said he'd take his own car back to the space so they would have another vehicle to throw things into.
She stepped back into the space and said "You didn't want him back, did you IL?" with a smile. IL laughed and said "For real, where is he?"
"Waiting in my apartment." They both laughed, and she confirmed he had been behind her with their own car.
They all gathered around near the end and went through all the memory boards for each round of shows that they performed. Because it was Improv and everything lived and died on the stage, it was hard remembering where certain handwritten lines had come from, or even who had said them.
They went to a local diner for food and more company and reminiscing. The conversation, for once, didn't completely surround the troupe and what they had done onstage. She found herself immersed and finally engaging in that much needed conversation she had been missing the last few weeks. They joked, they made plans, everything felt effortless...which almost made it even more sad. Why couldn't it have been like this the whole time?
They took the party from the diner to the bar, with she and SD hitching a ride with Levi in his topless VW Convertible. As she got in the back she realized this is what he would be picking her up in a few days in the future. She hoped it was going to be a night free of precipitation.
She went home and started reading Levi's book so she had something to talk about during the date.
Friday, June 9, 2017
The Love Exposé
"Girl, if I had known your heart was anywhere near this I would've never even hung out with him!" IL said to her.
It was the day after the last Improv show, and IL had "requested an audience" with her to talk before clean up happened. Somehow, through someone, she had found out about her and KSL. She had her suspicions about who it could be, but she supposed it didn't matter at this point. IL was not going to out her source and she wanted to respect it.
She wracked her brain thinking about why she would be coming to her with this information. Then she realized, IL had given KSL a comp to the final show. She never gave out comps to guys unless she had slept with them and liked them. She and KSL must have slept together. She confirmed this with IL. She said they had slept together twice.
"Girl, you are fine. It's not like I lay any claim to him whatsoever. His dick is practically public property at this point. You don't have to stop sleeping with him on my account."
"I'm not, entirely. You see, he told me he hadn't slept with anyone in over a year. He lied to me, and then he asked me to keep our sexual relationship a secret. I told him I didn't do that, but then I did. I don't abide that at all, he and I are finished on that front."
She apologized to IL, although she didn't really know why. Maybe because she knew KSL's way of doing things and how it didn't gel with IL's way of doing things, and she knew that they had gone out for casual drinks. KSL had said that he felt weird about it and wouldn't be seeing her again...and she had stupidly believed him. She should have warned IL, but it was a fine line to walk between warning a friend and minding your own damn business.
"I have to say," IL started, "You are taking all this extremely well. You are more close to a Poly attitude than you think."
She smirked, then said "Maybe...or maybe it's just because I know that he'll never keep it in his pants or actually give me any part of him, so why waste the energy being upset?"
She was unsure of where to go from here. The only thing she felt was upset that again, KSL felt the need to be ashamed of her, to hide her away. She didn't know if she could do this anymore.
As if by magic but most certainly by IL's suggestion, Levi texted her. They set a time for next Thursday to have their date. She told him that she was both excited and scared.
"Don't be scared. Also, most men, are dumb. I'm not. It's an honor to go out with you."
Well that was new and different.
It was the day after the last Improv show, and IL had "requested an audience" with her to talk before clean up happened. Somehow, through someone, she had found out about her and KSL. She had her suspicions about who it could be, but she supposed it didn't matter at this point. IL was not going to out her source and she wanted to respect it.
She wracked her brain thinking about why she would be coming to her with this information. Then she realized, IL had given KSL a comp to the final show. She never gave out comps to guys unless she had slept with them and liked them. She and KSL must have slept together. She confirmed this with IL. She said they had slept together twice.
"Girl, you are fine. It's not like I lay any claim to him whatsoever. His dick is practically public property at this point. You don't have to stop sleeping with him on my account."
"I'm not, entirely. You see, he told me he hadn't slept with anyone in over a year. He lied to me, and then he asked me to keep our sexual relationship a secret. I told him I didn't do that, but then I did. I don't abide that at all, he and I are finished on that front."
She apologized to IL, although she didn't really know why. Maybe because she knew KSL's way of doing things and how it didn't gel with IL's way of doing things, and she knew that they had gone out for casual drinks. KSL had said that he felt weird about it and wouldn't be seeing her again...and she had stupidly believed him. She should have warned IL, but it was a fine line to walk between warning a friend and minding your own damn business.
"I have to say," IL started, "You are taking all this extremely well. You are more close to a Poly attitude than you think."
She smirked, then said "Maybe...or maybe it's just because I know that he'll never keep it in his pants or actually give me any part of him, so why waste the energy being upset?"
She was unsure of where to go from here. The only thing she felt was upset that again, KSL felt the need to be ashamed of her, to hide her away. She didn't know if she could do this anymore.
As if by magic but most certainly by IL's suggestion, Levi texted her. They set a time for next Thursday to have their date. She told him that she was both excited and scared.
"Don't be scared. Also, most men, are dumb. I'm not. It's an honor to go out with you."
Well that was new and different.
Monday, June 5, 2017
End of an Era
She was more upset than she had any right to be about the last Improv show. She had been with them for so long, and they were her first friends after moving back. She didn't know where she would be without the constant steadfastness of SD, the yoga and inspiration of TM, the endless wisdom of Goldie, and of course the BFF who had introduced them all to her. Even MG, although as of late they hadn't been getting along and things were becoming incredibly strained.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
Friday, June 2, 2017
Gunshots and More
She and Dusky had been working on their project for a couple of hours when he said "I'm burnt out. Let's make you something to eat and have a bitch session."
It was so nice to be talking again, to converse with Dusky. She always missed him until she saw him again, he was so awesome to be around. They talked about life, love, and all the garbage actors they knew and the silly things they did.
He was just getting up to leave at 11 PM when they heard 5 gunshots outside the building. "You aren't going anywhere" she said to him.
"I'll be fine, I'm parked by the bar right out front. Literally I'm walking like 10 feet from the building to my car."
She reluctantly let him go. She heard his elevator door close when she got a phone call from SD.
"Are you home? Can I come up please?!?!?!"
"Of course!" She opened the door and waiting for her to come up. SD had seen the whole thing, the gunman shooting into the parking lot...the one right where Dusky's car was parked.
Luckily Dusky called a minute later to say that he had watched the cops run up and tackle the guy, and he was in custody. She was still holding onto a shaking SD as she answered the call from him.
Now that SD was safe she went to the balcony and looked over at all the cop cars. Then she figured that the police might need a statement from her, and they should go downstairs to the lobby.
In the lobby she seemed to calmed down quite a bit, finally going back to her own studio feeling a little shook up but fine.
She went up to her own studio and chatted with Banana, the only other one that would be up this late. Their conversation took an interesting turn and she found herself getting upset by the subject matter. She knew she needed to stop talking about it and spiraling, so she said goodnight and took a big swig of her hydrocodone.
She was only asleep for 20 minutes before she was awake again at 2 AM. She picked up her phone as MG sent her a Snapchat of her bruised and battered face.
It was so nice to be talking again, to converse with Dusky. She always missed him until she saw him again, he was so awesome to be around. They talked about life, love, and all the garbage actors they knew and the silly things they did.
He was just getting up to leave at 11 PM when they heard 5 gunshots outside the building. "You aren't going anywhere" she said to him.
"I'll be fine, I'm parked by the bar right out front. Literally I'm walking like 10 feet from the building to my car."
She reluctantly let him go. She heard his elevator door close when she got a phone call from SD.
"Are you home? Can I come up please?!?!?!"
"Of course!" She opened the door and waiting for her to come up. SD had seen the whole thing, the gunman shooting into the parking lot...the one right where Dusky's car was parked.
Luckily Dusky called a minute later to say that he had watched the cops run up and tackle the guy, and he was in custody. She was still holding onto a shaking SD as she answered the call from him.
Now that SD was safe she went to the balcony and looked over at all the cop cars. Then she figured that the police might need a statement from her, and they should go downstairs to the lobby.
In the lobby she seemed to calmed down quite a bit, finally going back to her own studio feeling a little shook up but fine.
She went up to her own studio and chatted with Banana, the only other one that would be up this late. Their conversation took an interesting turn and she found herself getting upset by the subject matter. She knew she needed to stop talking about it and spiraling, so she said goodnight and took a big swig of her hydrocodone.
She was only asleep for 20 minutes before she was awake again at 2 AM. She picked up her phone as MG sent her a Snapchat of her bruised and battered face.
Wednesday, May 31, 2017
H2Oh No
"You have a lot of water problems" her aunt texted her.
"Yeah, well it's an old building." she responded.
For a month her shower's water temperature had been acting up. It went from super cold to scalding in a matter of seconds. She had actually gotten burned several times. She called into the handyman in the building several times, but it was only after her toilet overflowed that she actually met the handyman and pointed out how she'd put in several work orders and hadn't seen him.
After some texting with the landlord they called a plumber and set up an appointment for when the building was turning off the water anyway.
She hated strangers being in her space. The handyman had spent days fixing her toilet and stepped all over her bathmats with his dirty shoes. She washed them, again after they had been washed after the great flood of 2017.
The plumber made them more dirty than ever before. He also went and checked out her view with his muddy boots. Her once white bathmats had turned almost black.
When he finally left she mopped up the places where she could see his shoes and cleaned up the rest of the damage.
He wasn't done of course...there was a hole and a plastic bag taped up where her tile should be surrounding the facet. They were coming back in a few days to fix the rest of it.
On the flip side, the young filmmaker finally made time to come pick up the old TV that had been sitting in her studio for over a year. The empty space where it had been opened up possibilities. She offered her ex her desk, ask it was too big for her space and more than what she really needed. She never used it unless she was working with Dusky. They'd be better off with a smaller space. Her ex was finally moving out of her mother's house and she wanted to be able to give him what she could so he could start over.
Looked like it was time to start redecorating.
"Yeah, well it's an old building." she responded.
For a month her shower's water temperature had been acting up. It went from super cold to scalding in a matter of seconds. She had actually gotten burned several times. She called into the handyman in the building several times, but it was only after her toilet overflowed that she actually met the handyman and pointed out how she'd put in several work orders and hadn't seen him.
After some texting with the landlord they called a plumber and set up an appointment for when the building was turning off the water anyway.
She hated strangers being in her space. The handyman had spent days fixing her toilet and stepped all over her bathmats with his dirty shoes. She washed them, again after they had been washed after the great flood of 2017.
The plumber made them more dirty than ever before. He also went and checked out her view with his muddy boots. Her once white bathmats had turned almost black.
When he finally left she mopped up the places where she could see his shoes and cleaned up the rest of the damage.
He wasn't done of course...there was a hole and a plastic bag taped up where her tile should be surrounding the facet. They were coming back in a few days to fix the rest of it.
On the flip side, the young filmmaker finally made time to come pick up the old TV that had been sitting in her studio for over a year. The empty space where it had been opened up possibilities. She offered her ex her desk, ask it was too big for her space and more than what she really needed. She never used it unless she was working with Dusky. They'd be better off with a smaller space. Her ex was finally moving out of her mother's house and she wanted to be able to give him what she could so he could start over.
Looked like it was time to start redecorating.
Friday, May 26, 2017
Road to Recovery
"Men want to be needed...and they want to be left the hell alone too." PJ said to her. It explained a lot of what they were discussing that night.
She finally felt well enough and her voice was almost back. She was dying for a good conversation, so PJ was one of the first people she texted. He was at the end of his hockey game and told her to head over and "bring something chocolate."
After a trip to 711 for some M&Ms and chocolate milk she arrived at his door. They spent a few hours just talking about life and love, as he had just gotten engaged to AB. It was a great conversation, much like the one that started her writing about her life again. The kind where they could go on forever not realizing the world had changed around them.
She told him about her breakdown, about thinking that she should have stayed with her ex and how she had cried to Banana.
"You didn't tell anyone else though, right?" He asked. She shook her head no, "not really."
"Well I'm glad you are on the other side of that. It's hard to go through something like that alone and not come out the other side a little sad and lonely and worse for the wear. Just like the pain in your throat, this will get better too."
She told him that it wasn't the sore throat but the referred ear pain that was currently getting her down. He was unfamiliar with the term so she explained it to him. She was happy to see that he found the concept as poetic as she did, and he wanted to write a poem about it. She couldn't wait to read it.
Then he proceeded to tell her all the tips and tricks to get a toilet to stop overflowing. At least that was one mistake she couldn't make again.
She finally felt well enough and her voice was almost back. She was dying for a good conversation, so PJ was one of the first people she texted. He was at the end of his hockey game and told her to head over and "bring something chocolate."
After a trip to 711 for some M&Ms and chocolate milk she arrived at his door. They spent a few hours just talking about life and love, as he had just gotten engaged to AB. It was a great conversation, much like the one that started her writing about her life again. The kind where they could go on forever not realizing the world had changed around them.
She told him about her breakdown, about thinking that she should have stayed with her ex and how she had cried to Banana.
"You didn't tell anyone else though, right?" He asked. She shook her head no, "not really."
"Well I'm glad you are on the other side of that. It's hard to go through something like that alone and not come out the other side a little sad and lonely and worse for the wear. Just like the pain in your throat, this will get better too."
She told him that it wasn't the sore throat but the referred ear pain that was currently getting her down. He was unfamiliar with the term so she explained it to him. She was happy to see that he found the concept as poetic as she did, and he wanted to write a poem about it. She couldn't wait to read it.
Then he proceeded to tell her all the tips and tricks to get a toilet to stop overflowing. At least that was one mistake she couldn't make again.
Wednesday, May 24, 2017
A Valiant Effort
The pain could only be described as excruciating. Even taking a sip of water shot pain up her neck and straight into her ears, making her tear up. Her scabs scraped up against her uvula, causing her to choke and start coughing violently. The nausea pills that came with the original round of meds stayed untouched in their bottle until the moment where the pain was so bad she almost always felt like she was going to throw up.
It became far too much to bare. She couldn't function, and she couldn't take any more time off or she'd be unable to pay her rent the next month.
She felt weak, like an utter loser, but she called her doctor's office. The nurse took pity on her sob story and said she would give her a "few more days" of hydrocodone. At least it would help her to sleep. She'd have to muscle through the work days as best she could.
Then her period started.
After picking up far more than 3 days worth of meds, she went home and did all the laundry that had been piling up since her surgery. She made her bed, one of her favorite things to do to make her space feel clean again.
The laundry had taken longer than she expected, and it was late as she was heading to bed, already a little off from the medicine. Her toilet flushed, but as she was walking away she heard it bubble. Curious, as it never seemed to be an issue before. Everything looked okay, clean water in the bowl. But the bubbling made her nervous. She reached out and flushed again.
And it overflowed.
It kept going. It wasn't stopping. Her hazy mind panicked. She tossed everything on the floor into the nearby tub and pulled down her freshly washed towels onto the ground.
It kept coming. She became deathly afraid it would start to leak into the apartment below her. She ran.
"Be Back in 10 Minutes" That infernal sign was up in place of her false sense of security guard at the front desk. She looked all over the perimeter of the building, they were not out for a smoke break. She called SD and rambled about her Titanic-Situation until the security guard showed up.
She told him hurry, there wasn't much time, call whoever he needed to call to shut off the water. He calmly asked her if she owned or if she was a renter.
"THERE IS ABOUT TO BE A GODDAMN FLOOD IN MY APARTMENT REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT I RENT OR OWN!!!! ARE YOU GOING TO HELP?" She near-screamed at him.
"Maybe...call a plumber? If you are a renter we can't do anything without the owner's signing off on it. I'll call the building handyman and see what he says."
"That's great. Well it's about to be everyone's problem from my floor down if it doesn't stop, so you might want to help." She gave him her apartment number and ran back upstairs. SD said she would be on her way with towels.
The minimalist lifestyle was all fun and games until you try to clean up a mess with four towels.
She got back up to her apartment and left the front door open and slowly made her way around the corner. She was again grateful that her apartment tilted, as all the water had made a clean turn around to make a puddle under her bed. She moved the bed aside and exclaimed loudly at how much water had pooled around her floor.
She tried desperately to keep the water from going further. SD walked in, handed her the towels, saw the puddle and said "Ohhhh....ohhhh...I'll go get my mop."
Shortly after the doorman came and, with the instructions from the handyman to turn off the shutoff valve, even if it had already stopped on it's own. The doorman told her that the handyman would come around 7AM the next morning to take a look.
A half an hour later, every single absorbent fabric in her house was soaking wet and in her shower. She was shaking like a leaf because her medication had worn off and she was again in agony.
"Your voice sounds funny" SD told her. It sounded like she was losing her voice, again. She took a shot of her medicine, and 20 minutes later still didn't feel any relief.
She thanked SD a million times over, realizing in that moment that because she was so doped up she didn't think clearly about the situation at all. She would have been cleaning up slowly all night, going downstairs to the laundry room to dry her 4 towels and start all over again.
SD left, and she moved her bed back to the lower side of the room. She sat on her bed, in the most pain she'd been in in her life...and she started to cry. This was her breaking point.
"I'm just so fucking done with my entire existence right now. It's been such a rough recovery....hell such a rough year." She messaged a friend. "It's things like this that make me think I made a mistake. I should have stayed with my ex. Even if it was loveless and he basically took all my money...he never did anything vindictively. He would have been able to help me tonight. I wouldn't have had to call SD practically in the middle of the night. I'm a burden. I can't take care of myself."
"Stop it. You know that's not true." Her friend replied. "It'll be tough for a bit but you'll get the hang of this and find someone better for you."
She tired herself out with worry over her life and slept until her alarm went off.
The handyman didn't show up until she was getting ready to leave for work. She left them to do their work and told them the door would lock behind them when they left.
Walking to work she got a call from her doctor's office. They were billing her the entire surgery because they couldn't find her insurance.
"We've already danced this dance. Y'all almost canceled it because you couldn't find my insurance, and then you called me and said it was all good. The surgery center has it because they billed me and I paid them on the day. I'll give you the numbers again but I'm in the system."
She was sure she sounded plenty authoritative when her vocal range was still limited to "whiny Disney Princess." At least it matched her attitude about life in general these days.
It became far too much to bare. She couldn't function, and she couldn't take any more time off or she'd be unable to pay her rent the next month.
She felt weak, like an utter loser, but she called her doctor's office. The nurse took pity on her sob story and said she would give her a "few more days" of hydrocodone. At least it would help her to sleep. She'd have to muscle through the work days as best she could.
Then her period started.
After picking up far more than 3 days worth of meds, she went home and did all the laundry that had been piling up since her surgery. She made her bed, one of her favorite things to do to make her space feel clean again.
The laundry had taken longer than she expected, and it was late as she was heading to bed, already a little off from the medicine. Her toilet flushed, but as she was walking away she heard it bubble. Curious, as it never seemed to be an issue before. Everything looked okay, clean water in the bowl. But the bubbling made her nervous. She reached out and flushed again.
And it overflowed.
It kept going. It wasn't stopping. Her hazy mind panicked. She tossed everything on the floor into the nearby tub and pulled down her freshly washed towels onto the ground.
It kept coming. She became deathly afraid it would start to leak into the apartment below her. She ran.
"Be Back in 10 Minutes" That infernal sign was up in place of her false sense of security guard at the front desk. She looked all over the perimeter of the building, they were not out for a smoke break. She called SD and rambled about her Titanic-Situation until the security guard showed up.
She told him hurry, there wasn't much time, call whoever he needed to call to shut off the water. He calmly asked her if she owned or if she was a renter.
"THERE IS ABOUT TO BE A GODDAMN FLOOD IN MY APARTMENT REGARDLESS OF WHETHER OR NOT I RENT OR OWN!!!! ARE YOU GOING TO HELP?" She near-screamed at him.
"Maybe...call a plumber? If you are a renter we can't do anything without the owner's signing off on it. I'll call the building handyman and see what he says."
"That's great. Well it's about to be everyone's problem from my floor down if it doesn't stop, so you might want to help." She gave him her apartment number and ran back upstairs. SD said she would be on her way with towels.
The minimalist lifestyle was all fun and games until you try to clean up a mess with four towels.
She got back up to her apartment and left the front door open and slowly made her way around the corner. She was again grateful that her apartment tilted, as all the water had made a clean turn around to make a puddle under her bed. She moved the bed aside and exclaimed loudly at how much water had pooled around her floor.
She tried desperately to keep the water from going further. SD walked in, handed her the towels, saw the puddle and said "Ohhhh....ohhhh...I'll go get my mop."
Shortly after the doorman came and, with the instructions from the handyman to turn off the shutoff valve, even if it had already stopped on it's own. The doorman told her that the handyman would come around 7AM the next morning to take a look.
A half an hour later, every single absorbent fabric in her house was soaking wet and in her shower. She was shaking like a leaf because her medication had worn off and she was again in agony.
"Your voice sounds funny" SD told her. It sounded like she was losing her voice, again. She took a shot of her medicine, and 20 minutes later still didn't feel any relief.
She thanked SD a million times over, realizing in that moment that because she was so doped up she didn't think clearly about the situation at all. She would have been cleaning up slowly all night, going downstairs to the laundry room to dry her 4 towels and start all over again.
SD left, and she moved her bed back to the lower side of the room. She sat on her bed, in the most pain she'd been in in her life...and she started to cry. This was her breaking point.
"I'm just so fucking done with my entire existence right now. It's been such a rough recovery....hell such a rough year." She messaged a friend. "It's things like this that make me think I made a mistake. I should have stayed with my ex. Even if it was loveless and he basically took all my money...he never did anything vindictively. He would have been able to help me tonight. I wouldn't have had to call SD practically in the middle of the night. I'm a burden. I can't take care of myself."
"Stop it. You know that's not true." Her friend replied. "It'll be tough for a bit but you'll get the hang of this and find someone better for you."
She tired herself out with worry over her life and slept until her alarm went off.
The handyman didn't show up until she was getting ready to leave for work. She left them to do their work and told them the door would lock behind them when they left.
Walking to work she got a call from her doctor's office. They were billing her the entire surgery because they couldn't find her insurance.
"We've already danced this dance. Y'all almost canceled it because you couldn't find my insurance, and then you called me and said it was all good. The surgery center has it because they billed me and I paid them on the day. I'll give you the numbers again but I'm in the system."
She was sure she sounded plenty authoritative when her vocal range was still limited to "whiny Disney Princess." At least it matched her attitude about life in general these days.
Monday, May 22, 2017
The Lost Week
She'd never had to take a whole week off to recover from anything before. This week she expected to feel better but take the whole week off anyway, writing and catching up on movie's on KSL's Vudu account, and going through her Netflix and Hulu queue.
In reality, all she did was sleep. People slipped by, in and out of her consciousness and her apartment, bringing her fries (the only food she seemed to be able to eat) and milkshakes. Even BFF came by for a hot minute, although she figured it was more so that she could tell everyone else that she was being kind.
She had a Text-to-Speech app that she used with most people, in order to stay engaged in the conversation. When she had multiple people over it was hard to interject, so she ended up just showing the person next to her. They'd respond to her verbally, and she'd end up showing everyone. It wasn't the best way to talk to people.
The liquid hydrocodone made her go into sensory overload, and she felt like she was in a different reality. The Walmart she walked into seemed too dark, it didn't feel like she had her headlights on...it was taking away any pain she might be feeling, but at the cost of being able to go out and be a human. Her pupils stayed tiny pinpricks at all times, and she was always just a tiny bit dizzy. She never felt the slope in her apartment floor more in that week.
She felt as if she was underwater, and did nothing but try to escape it all by sleeping. Watching TV hurt her eyes, so the movies and the binge watching TV shows became a distant memory quickly. She couldn't even concentrate hard enough to read a book or write.
Then, right before she went back to work, the hydrocodone ran out. The sensory overload got better, although it was still very much there. But then the referred pain to the ears started.
In addition to not being able to eat anything much, she started to feel sick from everything she ate. Everything started to make her nauseated and she hoped she would be able to get through the work week, which was going to be 14 days long.
In reality, all she did was sleep. People slipped by, in and out of her consciousness and her apartment, bringing her fries (the only food she seemed to be able to eat) and milkshakes. Even BFF came by for a hot minute, although she figured it was more so that she could tell everyone else that she was being kind.
She had a Text-to-Speech app that she used with most people, in order to stay engaged in the conversation. When she had multiple people over it was hard to interject, so she ended up just showing the person next to her. They'd respond to her verbally, and she'd end up showing everyone. It wasn't the best way to talk to people.
The liquid hydrocodone made her go into sensory overload, and she felt like she was in a different reality. The Walmart she walked into seemed too dark, it didn't feel like she had her headlights on...it was taking away any pain she might be feeling, but at the cost of being able to go out and be a human. Her pupils stayed tiny pinpricks at all times, and she was always just a tiny bit dizzy. She never felt the slope in her apartment floor more in that week.
She felt as if she was underwater, and did nothing but try to escape it all by sleeping. Watching TV hurt her eyes, so the movies and the binge watching TV shows became a distant memory quickly. She couldn't even concentrate hard enough to read a book or write.
Then, right before she went back to work, the hydrocodone ran out. The sensory overload got better, although it was still very much there. But then the referred pain to the ears started.
In addition to not being able to eat anything much, she started to feel sick from everything she ate. Everything started to make her nauseated and she hoped she would be able to get through the work week, which was going to be 14 days long.
Friday, May 19, 2017
Sleeping Pukey
She had slept for 14 hours the day after her surgery. Her doctor had said if she felt up to it she should get out and do something. She felt after 14 hours she should be up to it, so she agreed to go to see a movie with PJ, BFF, SD and Banana.
The Marvel Superhero movie was funny and great...until the action began. Her eyes weren't adjusting to the lights at all, and everything seemed to get louder and louder.
Her stomach churned. Convulsed. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to throw up. Even with her eyes closed the movie was so bright. She considered getting up. leaving...but knew if she got up she would throw up all over the strangers in her row. She couldn't do that.
So she stuck it out, willfully blocking out the light and sound as best she could.
As they walked out of the movie, she got confused and walked the wrong way to the other side of the theatre with everyone. She tried to sign that she was going to walk home, but PJ saw that she was struggling.
"Dizzy? Nauseous?" He asked, and she nodded. BFF and SD offered to drive her home, as they were next door in the parking garage. Just the idea of going around and around in the garage made her reach out for PJ's shoulder. He said that they would walk back to his truck and he would drive her the rest of the way home.
He made sure she was following closely behind, and reached out for her hand as he crossed the street in front of cars who seemed to have no intention of stopping. He felt her falter back, afraid of getting hit by the oncoming traffic.
He glanced back and smiled at her, "Penny, you know I'm not going to put you in danger. You are okay, come on."
He unlocked his passenger side door, and she reached over to unlock the driver's side of his old truck. He thanked her, and kept her conscious throughout the short drive, talking about things just deep enough to keep her interested but shallow enough that her feeble mind could follow along.
They got to the loading zone of her building, and he hopped out and got the door for her. He hugged her tight and said that if she got too dizzy to be alone to give him a call and he and AB would make up their couch for her and let her stay for a few days.
He was truly an angel sent from heaven to her. She went back upstairs knowing she had a backup plan if she knew it, and she feel asleep despite her narrowly pupil-ed eyes.
The Marvel Superhero movie was funny and great...until the action began. Her eyes weren't adjusting to the lights at all, and everything seemed to get louder and louder.
Her stomach churned. Convulsed. She closed her eyes and willed herself not to throw up. Even with her eyes closed the movie was so bright. She considered getting up. leaving...but knew if she got up she would throw up all over the strangers in her row. She couldn't do that.
So she stuck it out, willfully blocking out the light and sound as best she could.
As they walked out of the movie, she got confused and walked the wrong way to the other side of the theatre with everyone. She tried to sign that she was going to walk home, but PJ saw that she was struggling.
"Dizzy? Nauseous?" He asked, and she nodded. BFF and SD offered to drive her home, as they were next door in the parking garage. Just the idea of going around and around in the garage made her reach out for PJ's shoulder. He said that they would walk back to his truck and he would drive her the rest of the way home.
He made sure she was following closely behind, and reached out for her hand as he crossed the street in front of cars who seemed to have no intention of stopping. He felt her falter back, afraid of getting hit by the oncoming traffic.
He glanced back and smiled at her, "Penny, you know I'm not going to put you in danger. You are okay, come on."
He unlocked his passenger side door, and she reached over to unlock the driver's side of his old truck. He thanked her, and kept her conscious throughout the short drive, talking about things just deep enough to keep her interested but shallow enough that her feeble mind could follow along.
They got to the loading zone of her building, and he hopped out and got the door for her. He hugged her tight and said that if she got too dizzy to be alone to give him a call and he and AB would make up their couch for her and let her stay for a few days.
He was truly an angel sent from heaven to her. She went back upstairs knowing she had a backup plan if she knew it, and she feel asleep despite her narrowly pupil-ed eyes.
Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Breathless Part 2
3 hours had passed, and all she wanted to do was get out of there. KSL was clearly uncomfortable, so she was trying to make it seem that she was okay so they could leave. Her head was heavy and she could fall asleep right there, but she sat up and continued drinking water.
But they still wouldn't let her leave, so they made fun of the cartoons they had on for the kids, and she sucked down as much water as she could. She had two popsicles in hopes that it would send her home earlier. She tried to ask if they would take her IV out, if she could go to the bathroom. KSL helped her after telling her to "project" or "use her words" and she shot him a dirty look. She should have expected something like that from him after not being able to speak.
Her nurse was good naturered and helped her out. Finally it was time to go home, and the nurse was going over the medications with KSL. She was trying to pay attention but her mind kept wandering until she heard "Happy Wife, Happy Life."
What?
Was she assuming they were married to each other? She looked over with laughter in her eyes at KSL. She knew he wouldn't let it stand much longer, and the next time she mentioned it he quickly corrected her that they were just friends.
The nurse, with perfect comic timing, looked at both of them, then to her and said "Tell me the truth...he's the Uber driver isn't he?"
Her silent laugh mixed with his heartfelt laughter was a good way to end her stay. He went to get the car and she got dressed and got into her wheelchair.
As they were taking the corners on the way out the nurse had to dig a little deeper. "That KSL huh, what a good friend! You could tell he cares about you. We could all use a KSL in our life, huh?"
She was glad she wasn't facing the nurse so she couldn't see her roll her eyes. If she only knew the extent of how crazy their friendship really was.
KSL opened the door to the car from the inside and reached back to pull out a giant bottle of water he'd bought for her. She made the shape of a heart with her hands and signed "Thank you." She was overwhelmed that he would do something that nice for her.
They made their way to the pharmacy. On the way she got really sleepy, but couldn't verbalize it so she tried to rally and went inside the store. She felt like she stood there forever before handing over her new insurance and her meds. They said they would take about 35 minutes, and KSL suggested just going back to his place to wait it out. Considering all she wanted to do was sleep she agreed.
They got back to his place and she snuggled up to him which he immediately rebuked. She was too tired to be offended by it, and spent her energy trying to keep her head elevated as they watched some TV while he ate. She gave him her drivers license and credit card, and he went back himself to get her scripts.
2 attempted naps later and he still wasn't back. He texted they grabbed the wrong anti nausea pills, and a half an hour later he was grabbing milkshake stuff and heading back.
The mug he made the shake in was enormous, but seeing as how it was the only meal she'd have that day, she enjoyed it, as well as the movie they watched. After it was over he decided to succumb to a nap and asked her if she wanted to do the same, where she wanted to go. She knew that wherever she went he would go the opposite from his earlier reaction. She indicated she didn't care and ended up on the couch. She wasn't about to kick him out of his own bed, even if the couch was severely uncomfortable.
More uncomfortable was when his roommate came home later, though she was cordial before going into her room and closing the door. She heard KSL's alarm go off in his bedroom, but he didn't come out. She realized he had slept through it and went in to wake him. She reached out to squeeze his arm, decided it was too intimate, and instead gave him a poke in the arm until he woke up.
He got ready and dropped her off at her apartment, minutes later her sister arrived to take care of her for the night. She hadn't spent time with her sister for awhile, and it was nice to slip into the familiarity of someone bullying her into comfort as only her sister could.
Later the freshly engaged AB and PJ came by with a care package of pudding, popsicles, and mints for her. She was overwhelmed with gratitude for her friends and their ability to care for her.
She hoped the rest of her convalescence would be just as comfortable.
But they still wouldn't let her leave, so they made fun of the cartoons they had on for the kids, and she sucked down as much water as she could. She had two popsicles in hopes that it would send her home earlier. She tried to ask if they would take her IV out, if she could go to the bathroom. KSL helped her after telling her to "project" or "use her words" and she shot him a dirty look. She should have expected something like that from him after not being able to speak.
Her nurse was good naturered and helped her out. Finally it was time to go home, and the nurse was going over the medications with KSL. She was trying to pay attention but her mind kept wandering until she heard "Happy Wife, Happy Life."
What?
Was she assuming they were married to each other? She looked over with laughter in her eyes at KSL. She knew he wouldn't let it stand much longer, and the next time she mentioned it he quickly corrected her that they were just friends.
The nurse, with perfect comic timing, looked at both of them, then to her and said "Tell me the truth...he's the Uber driver isn't he?"
Her silent laugh mixed with his heartfelt laughter was a good way to end her stay. He went to get the car and she got dressed and got into her wheelchair.
As they were taking the corners on the way out the nurse had to dig a little deeper. "That KSL huh, what a good friend! You could tell he cares about you. We could all use a KSL in our life, huh?"
She was glad she wasn't facing the nurse so she couldn't see her roll her eyes. If she only knew the extent of how crazy their friendship really was.
KSL opened the door to the car from the inside and reached back to pull out a giant bottle of water he'd bought for her. She made the shape of a heart with her hands and signed "Thank you." She was overwhelmed that he would do something that nice for her.
They made their way to the pharmacy. On the way she got really sleepy, but couldn't verbalize it so she tried to rally and went inside the store. She felt like she stood there forever before handing over her new insurance and her meds. They said they would take about 35 minutes, and KSL suggested just going back to his place to wait it out. Considering all she wanted to do was sleep she agreed.
They got back to his place and she snuggled up to him which he immediately rebuked. She was too tired to be offended by it, and spent her energy trying to keep her head elevated as they watched some TV while he ate. She gave him her drivers license and credit card, and he went back himself to get her scripts.
2 attempted naps later and he still wasn't back. He texted they grabbed the wrong anti nausea pills, and a half an hour later he was grabbing milkshake stuff and heading back.
The mug he made the shake in was enormous, but seeing as how it was the only meal she'd have that day, she enjoyed it, as well as the movie they watched. After it was over he decided to succumb to a nap and asked her if she wanted to do the same, where she wanted to go. She knew that wherever she went he would go the opposite from his earlier reaction. She indicated she didn't care and ended up on the couch. She wasn't about to kick him out of his own bed, even if the couch was severely uncomfortable.
More uncomfortable was when his roommate came home later, though she was cordial before going into her room and closing the door. She heard KSL's alarm go off in his bedroom, but he didn't come out. She realized he had slept through it and went in to wake him. She reached out to squeeze his arm, decided it was too intimate, and instead gave him a poke in the arm until he woke up.
He got ready and dropped her off at her apartment, minutes later her sister arrived to take care of her for the night. She hadn't spent time with her sister for awhile, and it was nice to slip into the familiarity of someone bullying her into comfort as only her sister could.
Later the freshly engaged AB and PJ came by with a care package of pudding, popsicles, and mints for her. She was overwhelmed with gratitude for her friends and their ability to care for her.
She hoped the rest of her convalescence would be just as comfortable.
Monday, May 15, 2017
Breathless Part 1
Tears came into her eyes as she felt the blood vessel burst. They had tried the IV in her hand first, and it hadn't gone well. The nurse held the pressure down to get it to stop bleeding, occasionally massaging it to get it to feel better. It hurt like hell, but she was more upset that she was going to have to sit through another poking.
The second one, just below the crease of her elbow, hurt worse. The nurse dug around for a vessel before popping another one, then decided to get the "master poker" who would get it in one go. She was left to freak out by herself for a minute before they brought back KSL. She noticed his agitation immediately and she asked what was wrong.
After a few minutes he confessed that he hated hospitals, after the ones he had to accompany his mother to and the ones he needed to be admitted to as well. She was immediately exasperated with him...why would he let it get this far? She needed someone to be calming her down, not the other way around.
She told him he could wait out in the main waiting room, but he said it was fine. She tried to get him to tell her a story, make both of them forget that an IV was sticking out of her arm, that she had a ridiculously oversized hairnet on. It worked for awhile, then it was finally time to take her back after joking with the anesthesiologist about getting her appendix out too, since she was already doped up.
Her heart was beating so hard that when it was time for her to transfer herself onto the operating table, she got woozy. "That stuff kicked in fast!" She exclaimed. The anesthesiologist again laughed at her. After quite a bit of shuffling herself over and not also flashing everyone in the room at the same time, she got to the other table. She was still adjusting her head onto the pillow provided, and then suddenly she was in recovery, still super woozy. She felt like she had awoken from a long nap, whereas before she had been under anesthesia, it was like no time had passed at all.
She took a deep breath in and was shocked at how much air was already in her lungs without much effort. It was as if someone had finally replaced her old, thick vintage fabric curtains with....well with nothing. Her throat was suddenly an open window into the outside world. Even with everything swollen and throbbing from surgery, she was feeling amazing. Better than amazing.
Which means she'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop during her entire recovery.
The second one, just below the crease of her elbow, hurt worse. The nurse dug around for a vessel before popping another one, then decided to get the "master poker" who would get it in one go. She was left to freak out by herself for a minute before they brought back KSL. She noticed his agitation immediately and she asked what was wrong.
After a few minutes he confessed that he hated hospitals, after the ones he had to accompany his mother to and the ones he needed to be admitted to as well. She was immediately exasperated with him...why would he let it get this far? She needed someone to be calming her down, not the other way around.
She told him he could wait out in the main waiting room, but he said it was fine. She tried to get him to tell her a story, make both of them forget that an IV was sticking out of her arm, that she had a ridiculously oversized hairnet on. It worked for awhile, then it was finally time to take her back after joking with the anesthesiologist about getting her appendix out too, since she was already doped up.
Her heart was beating so hard that when it was time for her to transfer herself onto the operating table, she got woozy. "That stuff kicked in fast!" She exclaimed. The anesthesiologist again laughed at her. After quite a bit of shuffling herself over and not also flashing everyone in the room at the same time, she got to the other table. She was still adjusting her head onto the pillow provided, and then suddenly she was in recovery, still super woozy. She felt like she had awoken from a long nap, whereas before she had been under anesthesia, it was like no time had passed at all.
She took a deep breath in and was shocked at how much air was already in her lungs without much effort. It was as if someone had finally replaced her old, thick vintage fabric curtains with....well with nothing. Her throat was suddenly an open window into the outside world. Even with everything swollen and throbbing from surgery, she was feeling amazing. Better than amazing.
Which means she'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop during her entire recovery.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Welcome to Your Tape, Side B
Earlier in the year someone from her hometown logged onto her blog for a minute. She panicked and moved it. A week later they had found it again, so she set it to private. She accused KSL several times of him being the one to find it, but he denied it.
She put the blog under lock and key and continued to add to it while giving pass codes to her select two readers, her good friends.
She continued to write, but her life got a little hectic. It went on. Work was getting into the busy season, and more was put on her plate than she was able to take. It didn't help that she was still in a rut, emotionally numb. She tried her best to feel anything at all, but she couldn't. She just couldn't bring herself to care, or even want to care.
Despondent seemed to be the right word for her feeling. So despondent was her feeling going into the evening with KSL. He was coming over to have a drink, she couldn't really get herself to care one way or another about it.
The evening was enjoyable enough, though he brought up the blog again. She said she was keeping up with it even though it was basically locked up.
"Can I tell you something?" KSL asked.
"You were the one that found it." She said numbly.
"Yeah," He replied, "I'd been reading it for months. I actually miss reading it."
She was still too numb to really care. But she did wonder.
"What are you even still doing here? Why don't you hate me?"
His shrug was almost as dispassionate as how she felt at the moment. "It was your truth in the moment. Sure, I was mad at stuff, when you lied to my face."
"You get why I had to lie though? You would've flipped out."
He shook off the statement, didn't address it. "I just wanted the full story. You weren't going to give me that. Maybe in snippets, but I wanted the whole story."
Maybe it was best that this news was hitting her while she was too numb to care about it, about anything.
He noticed her lack of response, asked her what was wrong. She couldn't verbalize it...she just didn't feel anymore. There was no real reason to.
She was walking him out and they stopped in her alcove. She was hugging him and thinking that again, she didn't want to let go. She was done with the numbness and wanted to feel again. But that was pretty unfair to ask of him. But again, he seemed to know what she wanted.
The push and pull began. He kissed her on her forehead, the "most innocuous place" he could find on her apparently small face. When pushed he said that kissing her after his confession would be too something "out of a movie."
She gave him permission, and for what felt like the first time in a very long time, he kissed her. It didn't feel like something he actually wanted to do. It felt cheap.
It felt like something he was just doing, like an obligation. She'd never know if he'd ever wanted to really kiss her.
He only kissed her because he knew that she had wanted it...because he'd read all about it. For months.
Dusky had posted the other day that "Nude is when your clothes are off. Naked is when your clothes are off and you're up to something." He'd seen her both nude and naked. Her soul was just sitting out there in the cold while he continued to wear a heavy jacket. She would have taken feeling numb over this feeling.
She stopped it before it went too far. She felt even more like a warm body in this instance than in any of the previous ones. She said he knew how she felt about it, and he mentioned that his love language was also physical touch, which confused her. Was he trying to say sex would mean more to him in that moment? She wasn't about to go chasing that thought tonight. It was time for him to go home.
When he reassured her that everything was okay and he rubbed her shoulders was when she melted, her numbness finally fading. She hadn't been touched like that since...New Years. Her body had just been needing another human connection. Again, it had just been a hand hold that she needed, a squeeze.
The small shoulder rub almost brought her to tears.
Later she sat in front of her computer, pondering. What did it really matter anymore?
"Fuck it. It's back in it's original place. Happy Reading" She texted him.
"Why? The 'fuck it' wording sounds like resignation rather than consent."
She smirked. When did she give consent for him to read it the first time?
"Why can't it be both?" She asked.
So here it is. Welcome to Your Tape KSL.
She put the blog under lock and key and continued to add to it while giving pass codes to her select two readers, her good friends.
She continued to write, but her life got a little hectic. It went on. Work was getting into the busy season, and more was put on her plate than she was able to take. It didn't help that she was still in a rut, emotionally numb. She tried her best to feel anything at all, but she couldn't. She just couldn't bring herself to care, or even want to care.
Despondent seemed to be the right word for her feeling. So despondent was her feeling going into the evening with KSL. He was coming over to have a drink, she couldn't really get herself to care one way or another about it.
The evening was enjoyable enough, though he brought up the blog again. She said she was keeping up with it even though it was basically locked up.
"Can I tell you something?" KSL asked.
"You were the one that found it." She said numbly.
"Yeah," He replied, "I'd been reading it for months. I actually miss reading it."
She was still too numb to really care. But she did wonder.
"What are you even still doing here? Why don't you hate me?"
His shrug was almost as dispassionate as how she felt at the moment. "It was your truth in the moment. Sure, I was mad at stuff, when you lied to my face."
"You get why I had to lie though? You would've flipped out."
He shook off the statement, didn't address it. "I just wanted the full story. You weren't going to give me that. Maybe in snippets, but I wanted the whole story."
Maybe it was best that this news was hitting her while she was too numb to care about it, about anything.
He noticed her lack of response, asked her what was wrong. She couldn't verbalize it...she just didn't feel anymore. There was no real reason to.
She was walking him out and they stopped in her alcove. She was hugging him and thinking that again, she didn't want to let go. She was done with the numbness and wanted to feel again. But that was pretty unfair to ask of him. But again, he seemed to know what she wanted.
The push and pull began. He kissed her on her forehead, the "most innocuous place" he could find on her apparently small face. When pushed he said that kissing her after his confession would be too something "out of a movie."
She gave him permission, and for what felt like the first time in a very long time, he kissed her. It didn't feel like something he actually wanted to do. It felt cheap.
It felt like something he was just doing, like an obligation. She'd never know if he'd ever wanted to really kiss her.
He only kissed her because he knew that she had wanted it...because he'd read all about it. For months.
Dusky had posted the other day that "Nude is when your clothes are off. Naked is when your clothes are off and you're up to something." He'd seen her both nude and naked. Her soul was just sitting out there in the cold while he continued to wear a heavy jacket. She would have taken feeling numb over this feeling.
She stopped it before it went too far. She felt even more like a warm body in this instance than in any of the previous ones. She said he knew how she felt about it, and he mentioned that his love language was also physical touch, which confused her. Was he trying to say sex would mean more to him in that moment? She wasn't about to go chasing that thought tonight. It was time for him to go home.
When he reassured her that everything was okay and he rubbed her shoulders was when she melted, her numbness finally fading. She hadn't been touched like that since...New Years. Her body had just been needing another human connection. Again, it had just been a hand hold that she needed, a squeeze.
The small shoulder rub almost brought her to tears.
Later she sat in front of her computer, pondering. What did it really matter anymore?
"Fuck it. It's back in it's original place. Happy Reading" She texted him.
"Why? The 'fuck it' wording sounds like resignation rather than consent."
She smirked. When did she give consent for him to read it the first time?
"Why can't it be both?" She asked.
So here it is. Welcome to Your Tape KSL.
Thursday, May 11, 2017
Daddy Issues
She was getting some Wanderlust and decided to head out of town once Namelsss had to cancel their date. She told him that she was going to drive up to capitol.
"Seems like a long way for coffee." Nameless said. This coming from the guy who had a job on the weekends a 4 hour car ride away.
Then she remembered MG giving her a hard time about her mini-road trips. Why was it that she liked getting out of town so much?
As she cruised down the freeway she thought about it. Most of her road trips had been with her family, but mostly with her father. They would go up to the ghost town and check out the old headstones, play road games.
Road trips were her way of connecting with people. There were people she didn't want to go on a road trip with ever...and there were also people that she wanted to in order to get closer to them, as a form of quality time.
They didn't always work...but she was always willing to go on another one.
"Seems like a long way for coffee." Nameless said. This coming from the guy who had a job on the weekends a 4 hour car ride away.
Then she remembered MG giving her a hard time about her mini-road trips. Why was it that she liked getting out of town so much?
As she cruised down the freeway she thought about it. Most of her road trips had been with her family, but mostly with her father. They would go up to the ghost town and check out the old headstones, play road games.
Road trips were her way of connecting with people. There were people she didn't want to go on a road trip with ever...and there were also people that she wanted to in order to get closer to them, as a form of quality time.
They didn't always work...but she was always willing to go on another one.
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Welcome to Your Tape-Side A
Her heart never really recovered from KSL sort of telling her she was hard to be around. Who knows what he actually meant by it, but the "evidence" of it started to pop up in her life.
MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods. All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough. She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.
God forbid she be a little quiet. It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute. God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.
She felt the depression deepen. She pulled away from her friends, dove into work. There was tons of work to dive into. When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail. They left her alone.
An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should. It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore. The numbness began. The not caring. She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.
She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why. All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.
"I can't talk about it for 24 hours. It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons. She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.
She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide. As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone. Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you. It'll be easier.
Because it's hard to be your friend.
MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods. All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough. She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.
God forbid she be a little quiet. It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute. God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.
She felt the depression deepen. She pulled away from her friends, dove into work. There was tons of work to dive into. When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail. They left her alone.
An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should. It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore. The numbness began. The not caring. She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.
She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why. All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.
"I can't talk about it for 24 hours. It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons. She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.
She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide. As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone. Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you. It'll be easier.
Because it's hard to be your friend.
Monday, April 24, 2017
A Hard Day's Night
Goldie picked her up after work and they went over to the hotel to set up the booth for the event on the weekend. Goldie had employed several volunteers to help them load stuff in; a couple that had been together for 14 years, and a young filmmaker she'd met in passing at a festival. She barely remembered him, but when Goldie asked if they had met he said yes a little too quickly.
The load in was brutal and tiring, but amongst the talk the filmmaker said that he would take the spare TV she had in her apartment. He had plans later that night however, so when they were saying goodbye outside of the car she told him to friend request her on Facebook and they'd make plans later for him to take it.
As soon as she got back in the car Goldie said "He's totally into you, but he's really young."
"Obviously, way too young to fuck with for sure. That's flattering though!"
It was the only confidence boost she'd had in awhile. She decided to take it.
The load in was brutal and tiring, but amongst the talk the filmmaker said that he would take the spare TV she had in her apartment. He had plans later that night however, so when they were saying goodbye outside of the car she told him to friend request her on Facebook and they'd make plans later for him to take it.
As soon as she got back in the car Goldie said "He's totally into you, but he's really young."
"Obviously, way too young to fuck with for sure. That's flattering though!"
It was the only confidence boost she'd had in awhile. She decided to take it.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
Another Night, Another Dream
"The non-dates are weird. But I'm sort of okay with it." She explained to Goldie.
"Respectable guys that are looking for a relationship will wait until the 4th date. He'll kiss you on the next date. You just have to go in for that hug where you stay in the hug but pull your face back to look at him. He'll go for it." She had no idea where Goldie picked these things up. She was about to remind her that the Disney Friends With Benefits thing didn't exist, then she remembered her first kiss on the cheek from KSL that she over thought about. That was pretty much exactly how that kiss had gone down, so maybe she was onto something.
"And how is everything with KSL going?" Goldie asked. "It's great," she explained. "We are just being friends ever since New Years, and it's been great. He's there for me, he's a great friend. We are doing really well."
As if his ears were burning, his text tone came through her phone. They had made plans for hanging out later that night and he was on his way over. She said goodbye to Goldie and headed downstairs to her studio.
They spent the evening watching videos on YouTube on his phone, talking and joking like old times. She again asked him if it really was okay if he took care of her during her surgery. He again said it wasn't a problem, he was happy to do it.
She told him about the fight she and MG had about her and KSL's friendship. "She really wants to think that you are being mean and abusive, and I keep telling her that you and are good, we are in a really good place."
"We are," KSL said. "I've been trying really hard to keep it good like this."
Her heart twisted slightly. "You've been...trying? It's been hard?"
He was silent, realizing his mistake. "I...those were the wrong words."
"Uh-huh."
Her head swam. Was he "trying" to keep it platonic when he actually wanted to just ditch the friendship and had sex with her? Was he trying to keep it friendly instead of romantic? What was hard about it?
His ego never really recovered from it, and soon after he stood up to leave. She stood up with him to walk him out, saying "can't make it harder for you than it already is right?" He shook his head and pulled her in for a long hug. It was warm, nice. "Okay?" He said after he pulled away.
"What, you think a long hug will make me forget everything?" She smirked. He reached out and booped her nose, and she grabbed him and they wrestled for a short time before he threw her on the bed and made a break for the front door. She chased after him and smacked him on the ass, stopping him cold. He turned around and stated the obvious. She smirked and then booped him on the nose.
He faked being offended as long as he could before a smile broke out on his face. She let her face fall a little and asked him softly "Is it hard to be my friend?"
He frowned and said "No, not at all." and pulled her in for another hug. He pulled away just enough to swoop down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey now..." she said to him. He pulled out of the hug and walked to the elevator, promising to say when he was home safe.
"Home" came the simple text reply. She said "Thank you. Tonight was good, we should do it again soon. Want to split those vitamins I'm going to pick up Saturday?"
"I'd be down."
She sent him a thumbs up, assuming the end of the conversation. Three minutes later he texted again.
"Night"
"Goodnight" she responded.
"Respectable guys that are looking for a relationship will wait until the 4th date. He'll kiss you on the next date. You just have to go in for that hug where you stay in the hug but pull your face back to look at him. He'll go for it." She had no idea where Goldie picked these things up. She was about to remind her that the Disney Friends With Benefits thing didn't exist, then she remembered her first kiss on the cheek from KSL that she over thought about. That was pretty much exactly how that kiss had gone down, so maybe she was onto something.
"And how is everything with KSL going?" Goldie asked. "It's great," she explained. "We are just being friends ever since New Years, and it's been great. He's there for me, he's a great friend. We are doing really well."
As if his ears were burning, his text tone came through her phone. They had made plans for hanging out later that night and he was on his way over. She said goodbye to Goldie and headed downstairs to her studio.
They spent the evening watching videos on YouTube on his phone, talking and joking like old times. She again asked him if it really was okay if he took care of her during her surgery. He again said it wasn't a problem, he was happy to do it.
She told him about the fight she and MG had about her and KSL's friendship. "She really wants to think that you are being mean and abusive, and I keep telling her that you and are good, we are in a really good place."
"We are," KSL said. "I've been trying really hard to keep it good like this."
Her heart twisted slightly. "You've been...trying? It's been hard?"
He was silent, realizing his mistake. "I...those were the wrong words."
"Uh-huh."
Her head swam. Was he "trying" to keep it platonic when he actually wanted to just ditch the friendship and had sex with her? Was he trying to keep it friendly instead of romantic? What was hard about it?
His ego never really recovered from it, and soon after he stood up to leave. She stood up with him to walk him out, saying "can't make it harder for you than it already is right?" He shook his head and pulled her in for a long hug. It was warm, nice. "Okay?" He said after he pulled away.
"What, you think a long hug will make me forget everything?" She smirked. He reached out and booped her nose, and she grabbed him and they wrestled for a short time before he threw her on the bed and made a break for the front door. She chased after him and smacked him on the ass, stopping him cold. He turned around and stated the obvious. She smirked and then booped him on the nose.
He faked being offended as long as he could before a smile broke out on his face. She let her face fall a little and asked him softly "Is it hard to be my friend?"
He frowned and said "No, not at all." and pulled her in for another hug. He pulled away just enough to swoop down and give her a kiss on the forehead.
"Hey now..." she said to him. He pulled out of the hug and walked to the elevator, promising to say when he was home safe.
"Home" came the simple text reply. She said "Thank you. Tonight was good, we should do it again soon. Want to split those vitamins I'm going to pick up Saturday?"
"I'd be down."
She sent him a thumbs up, assuming the end of the conversation. Three minutes later he texted again.
"Night"
"Goodnight" she responded.
Open Letter to Piz
Dear Piz,
It's been almost 2 months since you said you'd be back in town and would give me a call so we could go out for a drink. I don't really expect you to contact me again, but there are still things I feel I need to say.
I've forgotten how you feel. I sleep on the pillow I put on my bed for you, but it no longer reminds me of sleeping on your chest. I don't remember exactly where all your tattoos were on your body.
I've forgotten how you feel. It breaks my heart to know that I won't hear from you. I'm embarrassed that I still think of you when I've become so accustomed to not having you around anymore. I wonder if I ever see you again if I'll find you differently. Maybe your goofy grin will look awkward instead of endearing. Maybe I'll look in your eyes and instead of caring, I'll finally see indifference.
I understand why you wanted to end things. I get that you needed to concentrate on your studies and your move and training. I get that you felt guilty for trying to get more out of me after we broke up then you should have. It was not fair to me for you to freak out and leave.
You know you were being a coward but letting me wait for two weeks until I made the first move. Then you apologized and never texted me back. Don't bring up that we could be friends when you have no interest in it.
You said that what we had was more than you using me as a warm body, but what else am I to believe at this point? You seem to be doing just fine ignoring me. You still don't go a full week without checking into the dating app. You unintentionally hurt me at every turn, because you lied. You said I wasn't just a warm body. I remember clearly lying in bed with you, you looking deep into my eyes and saying "You know that isn't what this is, right? This isn't just a fling for me."
But it was. It was worse, it was a rebound. I became the thing that I didn't want to be. To date I've only been someone's rebound girl. That became a trend because of you. And I know you didn't mean it. I know that you ended up caring too much which is why it ended the way it did. But that also just wasn't fair to me.
You said that when you moved back we could maybe start over. I wish you would have never said that, because my subconscious keeps thinking about that. Holding onto that possibility. Making plans. Like an idiot, because you are never going to call me back. Because you are a coward.
And I don't want to date a coward. So I'm writing this to you to release you from my heart. Because I don't even remember how you feel. But I remember how I feel, everyday. And it's not fair to me.
It's been almost 2 months since you said you'd be back in town and would give me a call so we could go out for a drink. I don't really expect you to contact me again, but there are still things I feel I need to say.
I've forgotten how you feel. I sleep on the pillow I put on my bed for you, but it no longer reminds me of sleeping on your chest. I don't remember exactly where all your tattoos were on your body.
I've forgotten how you feel. It breaks my heart to know that I won't hear from you. I'm embarrassed that I still think of you when I've become so accustomed to not having you around anymore. I wonder if I ever see you again if I'll find you differently. Maybe your goofy grin will look awkward instead of endearing. Maybe I'll look in your eyes and instead of caring, I'll finally see indifference.
I understand why you wanted to end things. I get that you needed to concentrate on your studies and your move and training. I get that you felt guilty for trying to get more out of me after we broke up then you should have. It was not fair to me for you to freak out and leave.
You know you were being a coward but letting me wait for two weeks until I made the first move. Then you apologized and never texted me back. Don't bring up that we could be friends when you have no interest in it.
You said that what we had was more than you using me as a warm body, but what else am I to believe at this point? You seem to be doing just fine ignoring me. You still don't go a full week without checking into the dating app. You unintentionally hurt me at every turn, because you lied. You said I wasn't just a warm body. I remember clearly lying in bed with you, you looking deep into my eyes and saying "You know that isn't what this is, right? This isn't just a fling for me."
But it was. It was worse, it was a rebound. I became the thing that I didn't want to be. To date I've only been someone's rebound girl. That became a trend because of you. And I know you didn't mean it. I know that you ended up caring too much which is why it ended the way it did. But that also just wasn't fair to me.
You said that when you moved back we could maybe start over. I wish you would have never said that, because my subconscious keeps thinking about that. Holding onto that possibility. Making plans. Like an idiot, because you are never going to call me back. Because you are a coward.
And I don't want to date a coward. So I'm writing this to you to release you from my heart. Because I don't even remember how you feel. But I remember how I feel, everyday. And it's not fair to me.
Monday, April 17, 2017
Death and...
The ex had convinced her that filing their taxes together one last time would be beneficial. He even offered to do it. She thought, why not? He was offering, seeming to make amends. She should give him a chance.
That was in February.
For the rest of that month she assumed he had done it, but hadn't heard how much they were getting back. She suddenly realized at the beginning of April she hadn't gotten back to him. She asked how the taxes were coming. He said he would have them finished by Tuesday. On Thursday she asked again how they had gone. He said he got called into work and he would finish them that night.
Again, she trusted him to do it.
The following Monday her heart had sunk, she hadn't heard from him. She asked him if she needed to take over, her friend had offered to help. He replied "I may take you up on that. I keep having to work OT. I will try to see if I can finish them up tonight, but if not I will prep them and you can grab them tomorrow."
She grabbed them the next afternoon. He had called her and admitted that he tried getting all the tax stuff together the night before for the first time, and he found all his stuff...but none of hers. He'd managed to lose her one W2 to his four W2s.
"So, why did you just trust the ex to do the things?" KSL asked her.
"Because even after 13 years I want to believe people can change and be better, because apparently I love getting my heart trampled on." was her reply.
"What are you going to do?" KSL asked.
"Learn to never trust or love. And also get a copy of the stuff he lost and do the taxes with my friend The Accountant."
"Well the latter seems to be preferable to the former." KSL replied.
"I can't do both? Oh well, if the president can get away with tax evasion so can I" she snarked.
"I mean, you can, but it won't be fun. Any of it. I think that's an oversimplification."
She panic texted her ex-office manager who kindly emailed her another copy of her W2. She took the giant folder of paper to her friend's house. The Accountant asked her as she was on her way over what her AGI was for last year, as it would be needed to file electronically. That would mean logging into an old account from filing last year.
She remembered last year in the green tinted building, the awkward conversation with the man as she pretended to still be happily married to avoid it being awkward.
She pretended again this year to the help desk on the phone because the security question answer didn't work to log in. Her ex had put it all in his name of course, and he was currently at work and his texts were spotty.
After 2 hours of being hung up on by customer service, she turned to The Accountant with tears in her eyes and said "We just need to file the old fashion way. I'm sorry."
The Accountant was so calm and understanding, and after only 15 minutes it was done, printed out, and she was in the car on the way back to her mother's house to drop off the paperwork to be signed. She was relived that they were getting enough back to afford a divorce. She had it set up to go directly to her bank account.
She was murderous that he had dropped her with all this, yet again. Yet again she was left holding the bag and taking care of business. Like she always would.
After she dropped off the paperwork she shot him a text. "I put them by your place at the table. Please sign them and put them into an envelope but don't seal it because I haven't signed yet. I'll pick it up in the morning."
His reply "OK. What was the damage?" She was driving home and didn't answer.
"Less than $1,000?"
She was still driving.
"Well, I will see it soon enough. I will talk to you tomorrow. Happy Easter."
Her already upset demeanor became rage. What did he care either way about what the return was? And wishing her a Happy Easter? They had spent 13 years of marriage together, and he was living with her clearly Jewish mother. She had never celebrated Easter, and neither had he. Was he being passive aggressive? That wasn't like him. Either way she was pissed off.
She parked in her parking spot, took a deep breath, and answered his messages. "Around $2000. Sorry, driving home."
"Jesus!!" He answered. She ignored his text.
The next afternoon, long after she said she would be around to pick up the paperwork, he texted again.
"Oh thank god, that was a refund. I have been fretting all night how I was going to pay that."
If it was possible to make her more angry, this did. He wouldn't have even remotely worried about it. He would leave her holding the finance bag as he always did.
He was downright happy-go-lucky when she came by to pick up the paperwork. She was so mad she spoke to him in clipped sentences, saying she had milk in the car and had to get it home to a fridge.
She'd bought the milk right before heading over so she'd have an excuse to leave. She taped the huge envelope down, and walked to the post office the next morning and had it stamped, one day before the deadline.
It might takes months to see that money.
That was in February.
For the rest of that month she assumed he had done it, but hadn't heard how much they were getting back. She suddenly realized at the beginning of April she hadn't gotten back to him. She asked how the taxes were coming. He said he would have them finished by Tuesday. On Thursday she asked again how they had gone. He said he got called into work and he would finish them that night.
Again, she trusted him to do it.
The following Monday her heart had sunk, she hadn't heard from him. She asked him if she needed to take over, her friend had offered to help. He replied "I may take you up on that. I keep having to work OT. I will try to see if I can finish them up tonight, but if not I will prep them and you can grab them tomorrow."
She grabbed them the next afternoon. He had called her and admitted that he tried getting all the tax stuff together the night before for the first time, and he found all his stuff...but none of hers. He'd managed to lose her one W2 to his four W2s.
"So, why did you just trust the ex to do the things?" KSL asked her.
"Because even after 13 years I want to believe people can change and be better, because apparently I love getting my heart trampled on." was her reply.
"What are you going to do?" KSL asked.
"Learn to never trust or love. And also get a copy of the stuff he lost and do the taxes with my friend The Accountant."
"Well the latter seems to be preferable to the former." KSL replied.
"I can't do both? Oh well, if the president can get away with tax evasion so can I" she snarked.
"I mean, you can, but it won't be fun. Any of it. I think that's an oversimplification."
She panic texted her ex-office manager who kindly emailed her another copy of her W2. She took the giant folder of paper to her friend's house. The Accountant asked her as she was on her way over what her AGI was for last year, as it would be needed to file electronically. That would mean logging into an old account from filing last year.
She remembered last year in the green tinted building, the awkward conversation with the man as she pretended to still be happily married to avoid it being awkward.
She pretended again this year to the help desk on the phone because the security question answer didn't work to log in. Her ex had put it all in his name of course, and he was currently at work and his texts were spotty.
After 2 hours of being hung up on by customer service, she turned to The Accountant with tears in her eyes and said "We just need to file the old fashion way. I'm sorry."
The Accountant was so calm and understanding, and after only 15 minutes it was done, printed out, and she was in the car on the way back to her mother's house to drop off the paperwork to be signed. She was relived that they were getting enough back to afford a divorce. She had it set up to go directly to her bank account.
She was murderous that he had dropped her with all this, yet again. Yet again she was left holding the bag and taking care of business. Like she always would.
After she dropped off the paperwork she shot him a text. "I put them by your place at the table. Please sign them and put them into an envelope but don't seal it because I haven't signed yet. I'll pick it up in the morning."
His reply "OK. What was the damage?" She was driving home and didn't answer.
"Less than $1,000?"
She was still driving.
"Well, I will see it soon enough. I will talk to you tomorrow. Happy Easter."
Her already upset demeanor became rage. What did he care either way about what the return was? And wishing her a Happy Easter? They had spent 13 years of marriage together, and he was living with her clearly Jewish mother. She had never celebrated Easter, and neither had he. Was he being passive aggressive? That wasn't like him. Either way she was pissed off.
She parked in her parking spot, took a deep breath, and answered his messages. "Around $2000. Sorry, driving home."
"Jesus!!" He answered. She ignored his text.
The next afternoon, long after she said she would be around to pick up the paperwork, he texted again.
"Oh thank god, that was a refund. I have been fretting all night how I was going to pay that."
If it was possible to make her more angry, this did. He wouldn't have even remotely worried about it. He would leave her holding the finance bag as he always did.
He was downright happy-go-lucky when she came by to pick up the paperwork. She was so mad she spoke to him in clipped sentences, saying she had milk in the car and had to get it home to a fridge.
She'd bought the milk right before heading over so she'd have an excuse to leave. She taped the huge envelope down, and walked to the post office the next morning and had it stamped, one day before the deadline.
It might takes months to see that money.
Thursday, April 13, 2017
The Imaginary Boyfriend
She was waiting to jaywalk across the alleyway when a car flew past her driving a little too fast for the enclosed space. It appeared to be a dusty 90's Subaru hatchback with a dark-haired guy driving.
She always wondered what it would be like to be with a guy who didn't care about his car, maybe even be proud that he drove a beater. He would name it and show empathy when it broke down rather than anger.
Her ex always said that it was silly that she anthropomorphized objects like cars. Then he even started to do it a little himself.
She suddenly found herself imagining that guy in the car did it all by himself. The car was a "she" and he gave her some old timey name like "Bessie" and when asked would say something like "She just felt like a Bessie."
He was the type of guy who would find a nickname for you that you sort of hated to start, but after awhile hearing your real name on your lips felt strange. You would know if he ever used your real name it would mean he was serious about something.
He was the kind of guy who would laugh at your lame dad jokes, then look into your eyes and push your hair behind your ear before leaning in for a kiss.
She had just built up a Manic Pixie Dream Boy from a passing car. She must be really lonely.
She always wondered what it would be like to be with a guy who didn't care about his car, maybe even be proud that he drove a beater. He would name it and show empathy when it broke down rather than anger.
Her ex always said that it was silly that she anthropomorphized objects like cars. Then he even started to do it a little himself.
She suddenly found herself imagining that guy in the car did it all by himself. The car was a "she" and he gave her some old timey name like "Bessie" and when asked would say something like "She just felt like a Bessie."
He was the type of guy who would find a nickname for you that you sort of hated to start, but after awhile hearing your real name on your lips felt strange. You would know if he ever used your real name it would mean he was serious about something.
He was the kind of guy who would laugh at your lame dad jokes, then look into your eyes and push your hair behind your ear before leaning in for a kiss.
She had just built up a Manic Pixie Dream Boy from a passing car. She must be really lonely.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Third Dates...or are they?
Nameless had come out of the woodwork once more for...an outing. He had to reschedule twice due to his busy science schedule. She got a little irritated when it conflicted with other things she wanted to do, but they managed to work something out.
She named a bar close to her first plans that ended around 10PM. She ran through the rain into the louder-than-normal bar. There was some sort of awful jug band playing. Nameless shot her a look that clearly said "What the hell are we doing here?" She raised her eyebrow back and yelled "Let's just go to a different bar."
He had a tab open and another two drinks coming. He offered her one and she took it and downed it. He laughed, downed his, and they took her car to the next location. They remained there until 2AM talking and laughing and getting to know each other better.
He brought up the dog from before, chided her about it and she laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. They talked about their scars, and he took her fingers and placed them on his hand so she could feel the steel plate just below his knuckles.
They talked about social and romantic dynamics, and she brought up MG and Banana as an example of how different types interact. Banana just let the guys come to her, and they frequently did. MG took a harder approach, playing hardball flirting. After showing him their photos, Nameless declared that Banana got more dudes because she seemed more approachable, easier. MG looked "like a frigid bitch."
"And depending on the night, I might want to take home any of you." Nameless stated. "With guys it's all about what they happen to be in the mood for."
They talked about gender roles and how they have been so redefined that it's impossible to know when someone is actually interested. His view was that if someone was interested they would want to go out again, they would make a move, regardless of gender. She wondered if that was a way of telling her to make a move on him. But even after three dates, she was still so uncertain about him. He pushed her buttons in a fun-loving way, but she didn't feel a strong attraction to him yet.
Nor he her, because when she dropped him off at his car, he popped out of the car quicker than she could even attempt to go in for a hug. He then hovered by the outside door in the light rain and said they'd have to do it again sometime. "Text me." He said.
"You text me, you are the super busy one!" She said indignantly.
"You can still text me...about whatever you want."
She smirked and said "Fine. I'll text you."
She named a bar close to her first plans that ended around 10PM. She ran through the rain into the louder-than-normal bar. There was some sort of awful jug band playing. Nameless shot her a look that clearly said "What the hell are we doing here?" She raised her eyebrow back and yelled "Let's just go to a different bar."
He had a tab open and another two drinks coming. He offered her one and she took it and downed it. He laughed, downed his, and they took her car to the next location. They remained there until 2AM talking and laughing and getting to know each other better.
He brought up the dog from before, chided her about it and she laughed and punched him lightly on the arm. They talked about their scars, and he took her fingers and placed them on his hand so she could feel the steel plate just below his knuckles.
They talked about social and romantic dynamics, and she brought up MG and Banana as an example of how different types interact. Banana just let the guys come to her, and they frequently did. MG took a harder approach, playing hardball flirting. After showing him their photos, Nameless declared that Banana got more dudes because she seemed more approachable, easier. MG looked "like a frigid bitch."
"And depending on the night, I might want to take home any of you." Nameless stated. "With guys it's all about what they happen to be in the mood for."
They talked about gender roles and how they have been so redefined that it's impossible to know when someone is actually interested. His view was that if someone was interested they would want to go out again, they would make a move, regardless of gender. She wondered if that was a way of telling her to make a move on him. But even after three dates, she was still so uncertain about him. He pushed her buttons in a fun-loving way, but she didn't feel a strong attraction to him yet.
Nor he her, because when she dropped him off at his car, he popped out of the car quicker than she could even attempt to go in for a hug. He then hovered by the outside door in the light rain and said they'd have to do it again sometime. "Text me." He said.
"You text me, you are the super busy one!" She said indignantly.
"You can still text me...about whatever you want."
She smirked and said "Fine. I'll text you."
Friday, April 7, 2017
Butt Hurt
"You were not being a cunt at all. Stop listen to MG, she's still a shit show." KSL said. They had just come from listening to a local musician she had a crush on and had conceded when he seemed to be more interested in Banana.
He had come to return the CDs he'd borrowed and they ended up staying longer than anticipated when MG showed up after she had texted MG that she was leaving.
"Is something wrong? Are we okay?" MG had asked.
She wanted to answer no, she didn't want to spend every waking minute with her when she was quitting smoking and being angry and mean.
They made an excuse for him to come up, and he had a vodka coke because he was on a diet.
"You know your diet is doing nothing until you get your thyroid checked and get on medication right? You have health insurance, you are the 1%, go to the doctor."
He sighed and said "I don't know how to do all that adulting stuff. I don't even have a doctor. How do you get one?"
She looked him dead in the eye and said "What is the name of your insurance?"
He sensed that she would go all the way with this and look it up if he answered her, so he said "Okay, okay, I'm sure there is a list at work or something. I'll do it."
He changed the subject to the night of her birthday and how out of hand the drinking had gotten. "I bruised myself trying to boop your nose!" She exclaimed.
"Hey, you bruised me trying to boop my nose!"
"You should just let Drunk Penny do what she wants, she's stubborn."
"That's the sort of thing rapists say."
"Please, booping a nose is not rape. Besides I'm not having sex with you again."
His face fell slightly, but he recovered quickly to say "Okay, that's fair. I understand that. You are trying to keep the friendship we have right now going on it's trajectory, which is healthy. Besides we agreed on New Years to not do it again."
"No, you agreed. And although all those things are true, that's not why I'm not having sex with you again."
"Oh. Then why? You don't find me attractive anymore? Since I shaved my head?"
She rolled her eyes at him and said "No, because you are the type of person who avoids doctors and STD tests, and you had sex with your ex unprotected. And even though I'd never have unprotected sex with anyone including you, I don't trust her. You could be running around with god knows what--"
He interrupted her, "Okay okay I'll go to a doctor. Shit."
He was quiet, and she looked over at him. He was staring out the window at the city, pensive.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him when he didn't turn to meet her gaze into his eyes. He snapped back into focus and said "sorry, just got lost thinking about...everything that needs to be done for the wake and stuff."
He told her where he was planning on spreading his friends ashes at their old community college. He talked for awhile and she let him. She was pensive herself, thinking about how she gave 110% to people and didn't get anything back. "You need to stop giving so much of yourself" he had told her earlier. She didn't know how to do that. It was being disingenuous to herself. She could either keep being herself or retreat and not be friends with anyone anymore.
"For as bitter and cynical as you pretend to be, you still want to see the best in people, still want to see their potential." He said to her. A friend had said something similar to her years ago.
"I keep going back to that convo that PJ and I had about seeing potential in people that others don't see."
"I'm curious then, what potential do you now see in me, a year later?" KSL knew he was playing with fire, but asked her anyway.
She took a deep breath, and decided to answer honestly. Give him the closure that he hadn't given her.
"You still have that potential I saw a year ago. You have changed, and for the better. I've asked things of you, deal-breaking things for me. As far as I know, you've continued to be honest with me when I asked you not to lie again. You really have improved. You just need to be able to accept love and see your own potential."
She cleared her throat as it was starting to hurt again, and he noticed and said "So, the tonsillectomy. When is that again?"
"May 8th....I'll just have my mom pick me up though, it's okay. I'll deal with her."
"Hey, I made a promise, I said I was going to help you and I am."
"It just seems too intimate of a thing to ask you. I don't feel right about it." She felt her face getting hot.
"Penny, you've had my dick in your mouth. We've been intimate." She blushed, then winced at his statement, but also nodded.
"It just seems like a relationship thing to do, like picking someone up from the airport--"
Again he interrupted "I pick up lots of people from the airport."
She sighed, then looked at him. He starred back at her, and she was reminded of this time last year when they were getting "lost in each other's eyes" and being intense. Only this time instead of going in for a kiss, her eyes narrowed.
"Are you sure this won't be too big of an imposition? You can say yes, it's okay."
He still wanted to do it.
While talking he took off his newsboy cap and put it on her head. "For your 'hat stealing photo' collection." She smiled at him, snapped a photo, and gave it back. Later she posted it on social media and he was one of the first to like it. He really seemed to be making strides in being okay with people knowing they are friends.
Between taking care of her and finally going for an STD/HIV test, she wasn't sure what level of "friendship" they'd reached. For a fleeting moment she thought he had taken the romantic comedy pact to heart. She guessed only time would tell his true intentions.
He had come to return the CDs he'd borrowed and they ended up staying longer than anticipated when MG showed up after she had texted MG that she was leaving.
"Is something wrong? Are we okay?" MG had asked.
She wanted to answer no, she didn't want to spend every waking minute with her when she was quitting smoking and being angry and mean.
They made an excuse for him to come up, and he had a vodka coke because he was on a diet.
"You know your diet is doing nothing until you get your thyroid checked and get on medication right? You have health insurance, you are the 1%, go to the doctor."
He sighed and said "I don't know how to do all that adulting stuff. I don't even have a doctor. How do you get one?"
She looked him dead in the eye and said "What is the name of your insurance?"
He sensed that she would go all the way with this and look it up if he answered her, so he said "Okay, okay, I'm sure there is a list at work or something. I'll do it."
He changed the subject to the night of her birthday and how out of hand the drinking had gotten. "I bruised myself trying to boop your nose!" She exclaimed.
"Hey, you bruised me trying to boop my nose!"
"You should just let Drunk Penny do what she wants, she's stubborn."
"That's the sort of thing rapists say."
"Please, booping a nose is not rape. Besides I'm not having sex with you again."
His face fell slightly, but he recovered quickly to say "Okay, that's fair. I understand that. You are trying to keep the friendship we have right now going on it's trajectory, which is healthy. Besides we agreed on New Years to not do it again."
"No, you agreed. And although all those things are true, that's not why I'm not having sex with you again."
"Oh. Then why? You don't find me attractive anymore? Since I shaved my head?"
She rolled her eyes at him and said "No, because you are the type of person who avoids doctors and STD tests, and you had sex with your ex unprotected. And even though I'd never have unprotected sex with anyone including you, I don't trust her. You could be running around with god knows what--"
He interrupted her, "Okay okay I'll go to a doctor. Shit."
He was quiet, and she looked over at him. He was staring out the window at the city, pensive.
"What are you thinking?" She asked him when he didn't turn to meet her gaze into his eyes. He snapped back into focus and said "sorry, just got lost thinking about...everything that needs to be done for the wake and stuff."
He told her where he was planning on spreading his friends ashes at their old community college. He talked for awhile and she let him. She was pensive herself, thinking about how she gave 110% to people and didn't get anything back. "You need to stop giving so much of yourself" he had told her earlier. She didn't know how to do that. It was being disingenuous to herself. She could either keep being herself or retreat and not be friends with anyone anymore.
"For as bitter and cynical as you pretend to be, you still want to see the best in people, still want to see their potential." He said to her. A friend had said something similar to her years ago.
"I keep going back to that convo that PJ and I had about seeing potential in people that others don't see."
"I'm curious then, what potential do you now see in me, a year later?" KSL knew he was playing with fire, but asked her anyway.
She took a deep breath, and decided to answer honestly. Give him the closure that he hadn't given her.
"You still have that potential I saw a year ago. You have changed, and for the better. I've asked things of you, deal-breaking things for me. As far as I know, you've continued to be honest with me when I asked you not to lie again. You really have improved. You just need to be able to accept love and see your own potential."
She cleared her throat as it was starting to hurt again, and he noticed and said "So, the tonsillectomy. When is that again?"
"May 8th....I'll just have my mom pick me up though, it's okay. I'll deal with her."
"Hey, I made a promise, I said I was going to help you and I am."
"It just seems too intimate of a thing to ask you. I don't feel right about it." She felt her face getting hot.
"Penny, you've had my dick in your mouth. We've been intimate." She blushed, then winced at his statement, but also nodded.
"It just seems like a relationship thing to do, like picking someone up from the airport--"
Again he interrupted "I pick up lots of people from the airport."
She sighed, then looked at him. He starred back at her, and she was reminded of this time last year when they were getting "lost in each other's eyes" and being intense. Only this time instead of going in for a kiss, her eyes narrowed.
"Are you sure this won't be too big of an imposition? You can say yes, it's okay."
He still wanted to do it.
While talking he took off his newsboy cap and put it on her head. "For your 'hat stealing photo' collection." She smiled at him, snapped a photo, and gave it back. Later she posted it on social media and he was one of the first to like it. He really seemed to be making strides in being okay with people knowing they are friends.
Between taking care of her and finally going for an STD/HIV test, she wasn't sure what level of "friendship" they'd reached. For a fleeting moment she thought he had taken the romantic comedy pact to heart. She guessed only time would tell his true intentions.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
Woke
"I want to. I'm just unsure of my abilities." KSL had been deemed the one to be the host of his friend's wake.
"Yeah. Alcohol will help."
"Yeah"
She asked when it would be, and he didn't answer her until the next day. She had work that Sunday, but said she would ask if she could be late.
She went to work and asked, and they were very nice about telling her that she could be late.
"Uhm, I don't even know if you would be on the guest list. You didn't know him."
Her face went red with embarrassment. She didn't know how a wake worked, she assumed it was whomever wanted to show up. If it was invite only, of course she didn't expect to be on the guest list. Why did he let it go on this long without telling her that?
"Well I don't really know what it is. I'm not the organizer. But I've been told to limit the invitees to those that knew or worked with him in some capacity. I wasn't trying to be rude. Just giving you a head's up."
"I'm sorry, I feel like a dick or something. Your support is super appreciated."
"You didn't overstep. I appreciate your concern and support. Please don't be mad."
"You can do it. And you can do it well. It's a wake not a funeral."
"Yeah. Alcohol will help."
"However it shakes out, he would've loved it. And in the end that's what matters. And if you want to get totally trashed I'll be your DD."
"Yeah"
She asked when it would be, and he didn't answer her until the next day. She had work that Sunday, but said she would ask if she could be late.
She went to work and asked, and they were very nice about telling her that she could be late.
"They said I could show up at 5 so I'm good."
"Uhm, I don't even know if you would be on the guest list. You didn't know him."
Her face went red with embarrassment. She didn't know how a wake worked, she assumed it was whomever wanted to show up. If it was invite only, of course she didn't expect to be on the guest list. Why did he let it go on this long without telling her that?
"I thought it was an open thing and I was coming to support you and drive you home. If I'm not invited then I guess never mind."
"Well I don't really know what it is. I'm not the organizer. But I've been told to limit the invitees to those that knew or worked with him in some capacity. I wasn't trying to be rude. Just giving you a head's up."
"I know, my mistake. I'll tell work never mind."
"I'm sorry, I feel like a dick or something. Your support is super appreciated."
"Don't feel like a dick, I misunderstood. You're not wrong, I didn't know him and if it's an invite only thing I don't expect to be invited. I was just trying to be there for you and clearly overstepped."
"You didn't overstep. I appreciate your concern and support. Please don't be mad."
"I'm not mad dude. A little embarrassed but not mad."
The truth was she was beyond embarrassed. She was mortified she had made that mistake. After this and the Pilot standing her up, she was beginning to feel like she just left her heart out to be stepped on every time she put herself out there.
And she wasn't sure how to fix it.
When she told MG about it, she wasn't nice. "You were a pretty big cunt about it. You and KSL are basically just in a toxic relationship. You are a shit show, you are what I was a couple of years ago. You need to just not speak to him for 3 months to get him out of your system."
MG was quitting smoking so she tried to take it with a grain of salt, but it was really difficult. She felt even more stepped on and exposed than before.
When she told MG about it, she wasn't nice. "You were a pretty big cunt about it. You and KSL are basically just in a toxic relationship. You are a shit show, you are what I was a couple of years ago. You need to just not speak to him for 3 months to get him out of your system."
MG was quitting smoking so she tried to take it with a grain of salt, but it was really difficult. She felt even more stepped on and exposed than before.
Tuesday, April 4, 2017
Birthday Eve Disasters
She had to work the night before her birthday, but would get out around 8:00 PM. She had plans to meet up with KSL for their signature portable beverage...just like last year.
But this year, she didn't want a kiss. She wanted answers. She wanted a why. It had all happened and she had accepted it...but she still didn't know why he really kissed her that night. No one just kisses someone because it seemed like they needed it.
Did they?
Work was the most difficult that it had been. Her new job was normally a dream, but the company they were working for was doing things the wrong way and causing a ruckus. She had been left alone and tried to do her best. She knew that she'd be forgiven, but it was still a new job and she wanted to be able to show them she could handle anything that came her way.
She left work agitated, but trying to calm down. Her phone rang, it was KSL. He immediately sensed how upset she was and attempted to calm her down.
"Hey, you're out now, you are okay. I'm on my way, give me 10 minutes. We'll get a drink, it'll be fine."
She told him about the night as they walked over to grab their drinks. She raged through the first half of her drink, and then he spilled about his trip to see his dying friend, who sadly passed before he could get there. On the way he had an awkward road trip with people he didn't really care for anymore. They played a road game where they added up all their sexual partners. He said that he was embarrassed to say that he had 56.
"You were the last one though." He said to her.
"No I wasn't."
He looked at her, puzzled.
"There was that one girl that I don't like to talk about because it was basically the end of our friendship, and then there was Banana. So, you are at 58 pal."
"Shit!" He was clearly a little distraught over his number. She wondered how many others he had "forgotten" in-between.
She didn't have time to wallow in this news, because he grabbed for her drink. "Looks like you had a friend hiding in your ice"
There was a fly floating in her drink. Her already bad night took a turn for the worst.
"You should go back up to the bar and show them. They owe you a new drink." KSL said sensibly.
Her face crumbled and her heart sank. "I don't want to" she pouted.
"You want me to do it?" He said gently. She nodded, and he stood up and took her drink. It took him a few minutes, and as soon as he got back she was ready to break the drunk seal.
She headed up to the seedy bathroom of the bar, which was normally pretty messy but passable. Tonight, of all nights however, it was in the worst condition she'd ever seen any other bathroom in her life. Shit was all but painted on the walls. The hooker hanging out by the sinks noted her reaction and countered "Girl, I know...it's the worse I've seen it too."
She shot out the door and down the stairs to their table and picked up her fresh drink and rounded the other side, near shouting "We're leaving!"
KSL was shocked. She again stated that they were leaving, they were going back to her place where she could pee in a place that wasn't already covered in fecal matter.
"You are walking awful fast..." KSL said to her as she motored out of the bar, nearly knocking over a homeless man on the other side of the door to the back alley. She didn't answer, instead just muttering "Cm'on" as she continued to walk. His long legs caught up with her easily, and he got her to slow down by grabbing her elbow and whispering "hey" into her ear. She slowed and calmed down.
Slightly embarrassed she said "That bathroom was really gross. I'm just done."
"Hey, we are on our way. You're okay."
"This is shaping up to be a worse day then that whole throwndown with BFF." It really wasn't, but she was upset and the booze was causing her dramatics to heighten.
"Yeah, what really happened that day?" He asked with concern.
She spilled most of it to him, and when she was done he had his arm around her as they snuggled on her couch, looking out over the city. She wiped the tears from her eyes, but more came when he played a message he had recorded for his dying friend. She talked about messaging Piz after Valentine's day and how stupid she felt....how her ex was still living with her mother.
She screwed up her courage and asked him why he kissed her last year, on her birthday. She was quiet and waited for an answer. He was quiet for what felt like another year. She picked her head up off his shoulder and gazed at him. She wasn't going to be the first to speak, to give him an out. She would wait for his answer. She deserved something besides the excuses he made before.
When he finally spoke, he changed topics. She steered him back, and he said "Oh...I thought the question was rhetorical."
He might never have an answer for her.
But this year, she didn't want a kiss. She wanted answers. She wanted a why. It had all happened and she had accepted it...but she still didn't know why he really kissed her that night. No one just kisses someone because it seemed like they needed it.
Did they?
Work was the most difficult that it had been. Her new job was normally a dream, but the company they were working for was doing things the wrong way and causing a ruckus. She had been left alone and tried to do her best. She knew that she'd be forgiven, but it was still a new job and she wanted to be able to show them she could handle anything that came her way.
She left work agitated, but trying to calm down. Her phone rang, it was KSL. He immediately sensed how upset she was and attempted to calm her down.
"Hey, you're out now, you are okay. I'm on my way, give me 10 minutes. We'll get a drink, it'll be fine."
She told him about the night as they walked over to grab their drinks. She raged through the first half of her drink, and then he spilled about his trip to see his dying friend, who sadly passed before he could get there. On the way he had an awkward road trip with people he didn't really care for anymore. They played a road game where they added up all their sexual partners. He said that he was embarrassed to say that he had 56.
"You were the last one though." He said to her.
"No I wasn't."
He looked at her, puzzled.
"There was that one girl that I don't like to talk about because it was basically the end of our friendship, and then there was Banana. So, you are at 58 pal."
"Shit!" He was clearly a little distraught over his number. She wondered how many others he had "forgotten" in-between.
She didn't have time to wallow in this news, because he grabbed for her drink. "Looks like you had a friend hiding in your ice"
There was a fly floating in her drink. Her already bad night took a turn for the worst.
"You should go back up to the bar and show them. They owe you a new drink." KSL said sensibly.
Her face crumbled and her heart sank. "I don't want to" she pouted.
"You want me to do it?" He said gently. She nodded, and he stood up and took her drink. It took him a few minutes, and as soon as he got back she was ready to break the drunk seal.
She headed up to the seedy bathroom of the bar, which was normally pretty messy but passable. Tonight, of all nights however, it was in the worst condition she'd ever seen any other bathroom in her life. Shit was all but painted on the walls. The hooker hanging out by the sinks noted her reaction and countered "Girl, I know...it's the worse I've seen it too."
She shot out the door and down the stairs to their table and picked up her fresh drink and rounded the other side, near shouting "We're leaving!"
KSL was shocked. She again stated that they were leaving, they were going back to her place where she could pee in a place that wasn't already covered in fecal matter.
"You are walking awful fast..." KSL said to her as she motored out of the bar, nearly knocking over a homeless man on the other side of the door to the back alley. She didn't answer, instead just muttering "Cm'on" as she continued to walk. His long legs caught up with her easily, and he got her to slow down by grabbing her elbow and whispering "hey" into her ear. She slowed and calmed down.
Slightly embarrassed she said "That bathroom was really gross. I'm just done."
"Hey, we are on our way. You're okay."
"This is shaping up to be a worse day then that whole throwndown with BFF." It really wasn't, but she was upset and the booze was causing her dramatics to heighten.
"Yeah, what really happened that day?" He asked with concern.
She spilled most of it to him, and when she was done he had his arm around her as they snuggled on her couch, looking out over the city. She wiped the tears from her eyes, but more came when he played a message he had recorded for his dying friend. She talked about messaging Piz after Valentine's day and how stupid she felt....how her ex was still living with her mother.
She screwed up her courage and asked him why he kissed her last year, on her birthday. She was quiet and waited for an answer. He was quiet for what felt like another year. She picked her head up off his shoulder and gazed at him. She wasn't going to be the first to speak, to give him an out. She would wait for his answer. She deserved something besides the excuses he made before.
When he finally spoke, he changed topics. She steered him back, and he said "Oh...I thought the question was rhetorical."
He might never have an answer for her.
Sunday, April 2, 2017
Crash Landing
"I'm at home. My friend who's here just told me some fucked up shit and laughed at my fears." Pilot had been texting her upset. His friend was dying of cancer, but he was just offered a job at NASA. His world was a little shaken.
"You don't need that shit." She replied.
"I want out. I just want to talk."
"You want to meet up somewhere for a couple of hours?" She immediately regretted it as soon as she sent it. It was already 10:30 at night, and she had work the next morning.
"Please," came the response "I'm a mess."
She arrived at the bar they decided on at 10:47. She texted him that she was there, and he said he was on his way. At 11:13 she texted "How much longer are you gonna be? I'm officially that creepy girl at a bar by herself."
In reality she was sure no one noticed her, but she was feeling self-conscious by the minute.
"Almost there," He answered 15 minutes later. "On 1st Street."
At 11:30 she sent "They are doing last call so we don't have that long."
"I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I'll just go home."
She was furious. She had waited almost an hour for him, and now he was just going home? How drunk was he already? She was concerned about him going home on his own.
"Dude, I'll at least drive you home, just make it here."
No answer. She got in her car and drove down 1st street for several blocks. She didn't see anyone walking along the street.
Was he lying to her the whole time?
"Well I just drove down 1st and didn't see you so I guess I'm going home."
When she parked her car she looked at the several text messages that continued to stream in from him.
"Oh. Ok"
"Uh. I'll just go home. Sorry"
"I'm a terrible person"
"I shouldn't even try to like people because I hurt them"
"Honestly. You should block me because I'm a horrible mess of emotions that no one wants shit to do with"
She finally answered "Hey, I shouldn't go the extra mile for near strangers either. Guess that just makes us even." It was the meanest thing she had ever said to him. Would ever say to him.
"Works for me." He replied. She got ready for bed. Two rapid-fire texts came through as she turned out the light.
"Sorry. I can't cope with shit"
"I'll just leave. I was a block from the bar. I'm sorry. This is why I don't put myself out there"
This is why SHE didn't put herself out there. She felt hurt that she had been long hauled by Pilot, by almost a whole year.
"You don't need that shit." She replied.
"I want out. I just want to talk."
"You want to meet up somewhere for a couple of hours?" She immediately regretted it as soon as she sent it. It was already 10:30 at night, and she had work the next morning.
"Please," came the response "I'm a mess."
She arrived at the bar they decided on at 10:47. She texted him that she was there, and he said he was on his way. At 11:13 she texted "How much longer are you gonna be? I'm officially that creepy girl at a bar by herself."
In reality she was sure no one noticed her, but she was feeling self-conscious by the minute.
"Almost there," He answered 15 minutes later. "On 1st Street."
At 11:30 she sent "They are doing last call so we don't have that long."
"I'm sorry, I'm a mess. I'll just go home."
She was furious. She had waited almost an hour for him, and now he was just going home? How drunk was he already? She was concerned about him going home on his own.
"Dude, I'll at least drive you home, just make it here."
No answer. She got in her car and drove down 1st street for several blocks. She didn't see anyone walking along the street.
Was he lying to her the whole time?
"Well I just drove down 1st and didn't see you so I guess I'm going home."
When she parked her car she looked at the several text messages that continued to stream in from him.
"Oh. Ok"
"Uh. I'll just go home. Sorry"
"I'm a terrible person"
"I shouldn't even try to like people because I hurt them"
"Honestly. You should block me because I'm a horrible mess of emotions that no one wants shit to do with"
She finally answered "Hey, I shouldn't go the extra mile for near strangers either. Guess that just makes us even." It was the meanest thing she had ever said to him. Would ever say to him.
"Works for me." He replied. She got ready for bed. Two rapid-fire texts came through as she turned out the light.
"Sorry. I can't cope with shit"
"I'll just leave. I was a block from the bar. I'm sorry. This is why I don't put myself out there"
This is why SHE didn't put herself out there. She felt hurt that she had been long hauled by Pilot, by almost a whole year.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)