She was more upset than she had any right to be about the last Improv show. She had been with them for so long, and they were her first friends after moving back. She didn't know where she would be without the constant steadfastness of SD, the yoga and inspiration of TM, the endless wisdom of Goldie, and of course the BFF who had introduced them all to her. Even MG, although as of late they hadn't been getting along and things were becoming incredibly strained.
Everyone was separating from the Improv Leader and forming their own group. They had done this in the wrong way, leaving IL hurt and feeling incredibly betrayed. she and IL had spoke a few times about it and IL was in a healthy place, although there were still a lot of hurt feelings that she assumed would remain for quite a while.
She'd cried at least three times that day. She couldn't believe this experience was coming to an end. Her heart hurt for IL, and she felt like a child whose parents split up, but neither one wanted to keep the child. She wasn't sure what she was going to do with her Saturday nights anymore.
With no play to stage manage in the near future, she felt more alone than ever.
Luckily she would be surrounded by friends that night. Banana, and even KSL were coming. Working the front was overwhelming but she made it through and managed to get into a seat beside Dusky, who insisted on saving her a spot. BFF's fiance offered to save her a seat as well, and she was touched. KSL texted her asking if he'd like to save her a seat, but then the seats next to him were taken shortly after he offered. She wasn't sure why he sat by himself instead of with Banana and the people she came with, but she was too preoccupied with dealing with the front to worry about it.
She took her seat for a perfect first half of the show. All the suggestions were perfect, the chemistry was on fire, and for the first time she had a front row seat. She ducked out shortly before intermission to return the money to the cage, then rushed back so she could talk to everyone a little before the second half. KSL seemed a little standoffish and withdrawn, but she learned a long time ago not to poke that bear when she got this feeling about him. Her emotions were already too high, and she assumed he would come to the restaurant with them after the show and she decided she would sit by him then and catch up.
She tried like hell to stay positive through the second half, laugh and live in the moment, and she felt that she honestly succeeded until the end. She didn't completely fall apart, and she was proud of herself.
Afterwards KSL was again a little evasive and said he was going to talk to some of the troupe and congratulate them on the final show. A few minutes later she saw him walk out. She assumed he was going to the bathroom, but he turned the other way. Her heart sank a little.
"Nice Irish goodbye" She texted him.
"Sorry. I suddenly felt very awkward and had to make a hasty exit."
"Weird that you'd feel that way all of a sudden."
"Yeah. It's not like I have an uncontrollable mental affliction that sometimes causes random bursts of anxiety."
"Since when?" She thought to herself. In actuality she answered "Okay well I guess I'll go fuck myself then."
He shot back with venom. "What do you want me to say? 'It's not totally weird and here's why!' Trust me, I wish I could say that. What do you want? An explanation? An apology?"
Tears stung her eyes in the middle of the restaurant. She was surrounded by the troupe and needed to pull herself together before someone noticed. "Nothing" she replied.
"Okay then. Sorry if I upset you. Sorry if you felt slighted."
"Sigh. Just forget about it. Conversation stricken."
The next morning once she got control and a better understanding of her emotions, she realized what she had been feeling. She had an expectation of what was going to happen that night, and it wasn't what happened. She again texted KSL.
"I'm sorry. I reacted as well as I could in the moment. It's just that you've never just left a situation like that before, and coupled with my abandonment issues and the anxiety of the night it didn't mix well. It felt like something was wrong, maybe with us, that I had to fix. I'm sorry."
No answer.
