Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Welcome to Your Tape-Side A

Her heart never really recovered from KSL sort of telling her she was hard to be around.  Who knows what he actually meant by it, but the "evidence" of it started to pop up in her life.

MG was still cranky from quitting smoking and both she and Goldie ganged up on her one day saying her hormones were all out of wack, and if she could look back on the past few months she'd see a pattern in her moods.  All this after they complained she wasn't talking enough.  She said she was just thinking...she was in a malaise she couldn't really explain but was trying to figure out.

God forbid she be a little quiet.  It was hard keeping up between the two chatting about BDSM while she was without anything to contribute.  God forbid she get lost in her own thoughts while being actively left out.

She felt the depression deepen.  She pulled away from her friends, dove into work.  There was tons of work to dive into.  When she did hang with her friends, she tried to insert positive statements occasionally enough to basically throw them off the trail.  They left her alone.

An incident that she should have shrugged off bothered her more than it should.  It seemed to illustrate how she shouldn't be around others anymore.  The numbness began.  The not caring.  She still didn't understand why, but she no longer really cared.

She watched Goldie's dog for a week and viewed most of 13 Reasons Why.  All those news stories about the show being trigging...she realized that they meant to the people who ignore suicide and not the people actually experiencing the suicidal thoughts.

"I can't talk about it for 24 hours.  It's still too raw." Goldie said, stopping all conversation about 13 Reasons.  She could understand Goldie being upset, as a good friend of hers had committed suicide earlier last year.

She thought back to how vindictive she felt when she had decided to commit suicide.  As a teenager it was a more "you'll be sorry" than the actuality of breaking people's hearts by her being gone.  Her mother would've been guilt-ridden, her father...when you are that far down in the darkness, you also think they'll be better off without you.  It'll be easier.

Because it's hard to be your friend.

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