Sticking Your Dick in Crazy Part 3

"Wait, what?" She asked, taken aback.  Did he suddenly realize this wasn't a good idea? 

"Cm'on," he said now with a little more authority.  "Just for a second, get up."  She got off him and stood up.  He also stood, then without warning shoved her straight down onto the bed.  She was too shocked to respond to how forcefully he did so, as she couldn't believe she was just fooled so quickly into being on the bed.  A heart-shaped bruise from the heel of his hand would grace her right breast the next day, and for over a week afterward.

He climbed on top of her as she laughed and stated "Well done, you almost had me there!" And since he had already written the script...they proceeded to act out their roles accordingly.  She loved his responses to her touch, and he expressed many times how much her tiny moans turned him on.  It was steamy hot from beginning to end.  She was shocked to find how nice sex was with a different penis person, she didn't need any lube for the first time in her life.  Though she didn't orgasm (he was disappointed), she had the best time she'd had in a long time.  She was sated.  Blissful.

When he came she hugged him to her with her legs, loving the feeling of his orgasm pulsating inside her.  It felt powerful, like she had accomplished something.  She was validated.

Suddenly he pulled away, jumped off the bed and stood next to it, claiming a leg cramp.  She was concerned and asked if there was anything she could do.  A cramp sounded plausible, as they had tried at least three different positions, one of which made possible by her weekly yoga classes.

He then went to the bathroom to work out the cramp and flush the condom, she put on her underwear and a t-shirt.  After he had been in the bathroom awhile, she reached over and grabbed his hat and put it on her head, thinking it would make him laugh when he walked out.  He walked out of the bathroom and only noticed that she had on clothes...but it was more stating a fact than it was any outrage.  He didn't notice the hat.  She slowly took it off and put it on the table, and said that she had to use the bathroom, and she'd be right back.  He seemed to still need a moment to pull himself together, and she needed to clean up.

When she came back out he was fully dressed, sitting on the couch.  His foot was bouncing up and down quickly, knocking into her coffee table.  It was her turn to state the obvious.  "Wow, totally dressed huh?  Why is--"

"I don't think I can stay.  I'm really freaking out right now.  I only broke up with her this morning!" 

Sticking Your Dick in Crazy Part 2

"If I stay over, I'll just want to do more." KSL warned her, his hands and eyes roaming over her body sensually.

"But...I kinda wanted you to stay over." She pouted.  They continued kissing, groping, shirts coming off, until he asked a second time if she was okay.  She said again "Five more minutes."

"You know...a lot could happen in five minutes." KSL said confidently.

"Not much, I'm having lady business time right now...so no sex for you."  The truth was she was just spotting a bit, but enough to make her self conscious.  She really would prefer their first time she be 100% "April Fresh."  Of course, he wasn't to be deterred.

"I've had murder sex before.  I don't mind it.  Like I said, a lot can happen in five minutes."

"Oh really, you think so?  I'm intrigued.  Please, tell me what would happen.  Pretend like Instagram is down and just describe it to me."

So he did. Punctuated by passionate kisses, he explained to her that he would first find some clever way to get her over to the bed, then after a bit more kissing and groping, her pants would be off before she even knew what was happening.   She raised her eyebrows, amused, and told him to continue the story as she kissed down his neck.

"I'd go down on you until you couldn't stand it any longer, then you'd be angry that I still had my pants on while you were stark naked.  So you'd take my pants off, go down on me, then we'd have mind blowing awesome sex."

"Hmmm...that sounds nice.  Longer than five minutes, but nice.  I could do that."  She smiled.  He pulled back and searched her eyes as if she had a message written there just for him, but he couldn't quite make it out.  His own eyes suddenly narrowed.

"That's it, get off the couch for a second."  He said, sounding a little irritated.

Sticking Your Dick in Crazy Part 1

"What are your plans tonight?  I need a drink and a half."

For the first time in their relationship, she wanted to tell him no.  It didn't feel right, she was worried this was a booty call.

Maybe he was just in need of a friend.  He was heartbroken, he was hurt.  So as his friend she took him out for their signature beverage to hear the whole sordid tale.  Now that he was single, inviting him over for drinks at her studio seemed presumptuous, like she was looking for sex.

They may never be the kind of couple that has their own song, but they would always have tequila.

He had fallen apart on his now-ex.  He had ugly-cried (his words) and she had stayed stone cold, saying she expected this ever since their fight two months ago.  She was just waiting on him to drop the ax.  Kind of cold, but she had to respect the girlfriend for being so honest.

She could tell that even though he said nothing about this, his heart was broken that her heart WASN'T broken.  The ex had approached it calmly and rationally, and he had expected tears, crying, something expressing emotions she no longer had towards him.  That had to hurt.

By the time he was done with his story, they were situated at the bar with their drinks. She reached out and affectionately rubbed his back a little to let him know she cared. He asked the bartender to top off his drink, and the bartender must have felt his desperation and took care of it on the house.

"So I thought of another rule to add to our list.  Discretion."  He said after he was done with his story.  This statement took her by surprise and she started to laugh.  He got upset and wanted to forget the rule, forget the list, forget the whole thing.  "Hold on, calm down!  Let me just think about it for a minute, damn!" She chided him.  Once she took a moment to stop laughing and think about it she asked "Exactly what kind of discretion are we talking here?"

"I'm a very private person.  There has been enough talk about me, if anyone asks just deny, deny deny." He said, resolute.  He was right, of course.  She didn't really want everyone to know her new lover was someone with his reputation either.

"Okay, so here is the thing.  The logical part of my brain is with you, and wasn't going to say anything anyway.  The girl part of my brain however thinks you are ashamed and just trying to hide me."

"That's not even remotely what it is!" KSL exclaimed, and she quickly said "I know, that's why it's the girl part.  That's why I was laughing, it was at myself.  Don't get offended, that's just the two sides I'm feeling at the moment, okay?  Clearly you are still reeling over your breakup, now really isn't the time for that kind of discussion anyway.  We can have this talk calmly later."

He nodded, and seemed to become placid.  Searching for a distraction, he looked over and complimented a man's hat across the bar that bore the mark of the nearby sports team.  They went back and forth about sports for awhile, with another man joining in.

She started checking her phone as the conversation held little interest for her, when she felt the energy change and looked up.  KSL turned his head and said under his breath so no one else could hear, "please get me out of here."  Even though he was an extrovert, he was clearly done dealing with other people while he was still so emotionally raw.

She used her patented introvert-ing skills to get them away from the conversation and into the alleyway behind the bar.  Since they still had plenty of booze in their plastic water bottles, he suggested they go back to her place.

He seemed to be mostly cheered up, and even started to flirt a little on the way.  He retorted to her "Is that a come on?" after an innocent remark she made.  She scoffed and said "No!" emphatically. He acted hurt, and she changed her tone and said "No?" in a sweeter voice.  In all honesty she wasn't trying to flirt tonight, she had her friend hat firmly on. She didn't expect sex to happen that night at all.

Once they walked back into the studio, the booze had really kicked in.  He pulled her into a hug on the couch that eventually turned into him pulling her on his lap.  She straddled him and they started kissing, gently at first but then with more intensity.  He kept stopping and asking if everything was okay, and if she wanted him to stop.  She always smiled into the kiss, muttering "Just five more minutes of this.  This is nice." 

Breakeven

"Well, it's over."

"My heart seriously just broke for you.  I'm so sorry buddy.  Did she take it okay?"

"It was very mutual, apparently.  She took it really well."

"Well that's better than expected right?  ...or is it even more heartbreaking?"

"Can't decide."

"I get that.  I'm so sorry KSL.  I'm here for you if you need anything."

"Thanks"

"You gonna be okay today?  Do you need somewhere to go/be?"

"I'm at the movies.  It's a safe space."

"That's good.  It's gonna get better from here."

Wall Around My Heart

KSL had gotten approved for his apartment, after a nail biting three days.  He was going to sign the paperwork later next week.  His relationship would end once "The ink was on the lease."  He was apprehensive about pulling the ripcord, but he knew it was for the best.  He was very solemn, and she felt her own heart sink for him.

She had shown him what she had on the rules so far, and he told her that he would look at it again after all the dust had settled on the end of his relationship.  He seemed fairly open to it, although he agreed with her that he had no idea where their relationship would really go after this breakup.

They clinked glasses to toast to a brighter future, even though they had no idea what the future would hold for either of them.  She accepted this quietly, preparing both to never see him again, and for him to come bursting into her apartment on the day of and ravish her.  If there was anything to be counted on, it was the uncertainty of which way the wind was blowing his sails.

They walked a few blocks over to a theatre photo event. Everyone was going to be there, and she looked forward to seeing people she hadn't seen in awhile.  There was also an outdoor art festival happening at the same time, so once they arrived KSL went to say hi to someone she broke away to look at the exhibits.

She turned around to see KSL and her ex talking.  The "uuggh" from I Love Lucy escaped her mouth and she turned back around and walked to the next exhibit.  She was admiring the art when she felt a presence behind her.  She hoped that it was KSL, but it was the ex.  They chatted and walked down to check out the rest of the exhibits together while they talked.  It was nice conversation, and she broke off once they got back to say hi to some friends.

He followed.  He stood too close as he also said hi to the same friends, making it appear as if they came together.  She became uncomfortable...this was giving people the idea that they were still in a functioning marriage.  Then they'd never understand when it became public that they were apart.  This felt deceitful, even though it hadn't become public.

Anxiously she waited, engaging the group in an involved conversation, then moving onto the next group of friends.  After the initial hellos in the new group...

He followed.

She tried this a few more times, to no avail. At this point she finished the water that KSL had bought her on the way, so she went to the nearest trash can to dispose of it.   The trash can was full, as was the one across the street.  So she started out to the end of the block where the next cans were located.  She was on her way back when her phone started ringing.

It was her ex.  He wanted to know if she was leaving.  She was beyond irritated at this point and snapped at him that she was throwing away her water bottle, but stopped short of what she really wanted to say, which was that where she went was no longer his concern.  He hadn't been this clingy when they were married, and she was getting sick of it.

She approached TM and gave him a hug, and told him briefly what was happening.  He said "Yep, he's just two feet to your left right now."  She took a deep breath, tearing up.  TM told her that it was going to be okay, and brought her over to his side when they staged the photo of everyone.

KSL brought up the rear behind her for the photo, and her ex tried to edge him out.  "Now I know what sex with me would feel like" KSL joked later, commenting on their similar stature.  On the other side of TM was PJ and AB, so it was as if they built a wall around her.  She was so happy that even when she was being dark and terrible and petty, they were all there for her.  The final photo was going to be a weird combo of all her support systems...and her ex.

Counter-Intuitive

She'd been feeling judged by those she trusted lately.  She felt utterly alone in decisions she had come to, but she still stood by those decisions.

This wasn't a typical situation.  There are many aspects that are not favorable.  Sometimes good people do bad things.  People need to make mistakes in their life in order to truly live.

She never set out to get involved with someone she could barely stand at first.  She never intended to fall into an intense friendship with him.  She never intended to kiss someone else's boyfriend on her birthday--while she was still married.  She never expected it to feel so freeing, to show her what she needed to do to fix her life.

Sometimes good people need to do bad things to see the underlying good that can come out of it.

KSL had snapped at her recently, causing her to take an afternoon to get drunk and burn the feelings out of her.  He had been mean, but she had been judge-y.

They both had their faults.

Eventually, he apologized for hurting her.  She had ignored the apology, but moved onto the next topic.  He was still waiting to hear back from the apartment complex on approval.  It looked like he was in for a longer wait, as it was the weekend.

Their flirtationship was at an impasse.  They really couldn't move forward with a Lovers/FWB/Anything until he was out of that house and broken up with his girlfriend.

It would change things for sure, but she was uncertain in which direction.  He was feeling bad right now about the upcoming break up, so she was forgiving him for a lot of his actions.  She was beginning to see why people called him an asshole.

But she wasn't willing to give up on him just yet.  She wanted to see where her mistakes would take her.  See if she could live just a little while longer.

Hopes, Wants, and Expectations

"What do you want?"

It was a loaded question she had been asked so many times in the last few months.  All by different people, all in reference to different things.

During her last show, a day or so after her separation, she was backstage getting ready for the next scene when she heard the main character say his line, desperately: "Tell me what you want."

It was the same thing her husband said to her during their separation.  It didn't matter what she wanted at that point...she wasn't going to get it.  She had stopped short when she heard the line ring out from onstage, and grabbed her chest from the impact.  KSL asked what was wrong, she shook her head that she couldn't explain at the time.  KSL would later say it to her in the heat of the moment.  It was breathy, intense, but the words still rang through to her soul.  "What do you want?"

What did she want?

The thing was that her hopes, wants, and expectations in what was to come for her were vastly different.

She hoped that KSL would listen to her, actually hear her and start to heal himself, see himself as worthwhile and worthy of her.  She hoped to see his wall finally come crashing down.

She hoped her husband would eventually pull himself up and be financially stable, for himself and not her.  She hoped that some day he would see where she was coming from, and forgive her.  She hoped that he would find someone else that supported him without enabling his past actions they way she had for too long.

She wanted KSL.  In her life, in her bed, with her.  She wanted him to want her with every fiber of his being instead of just being "attracted" to her.  She wanted to never take him by surprise when she wanted to kiss him, because he wanted the same thing.  She wanted him to be hopelessly devoted, while at the same time pushing HER to be a better person, taking walks with her and encouraging her to go to the doctor and be healthy inside her mind as well as her body, they way he had been.  She wanted him to care a little more than she did, for her own ego.

She wanted her job to be successful.  They seemed to like her, and she wanted more opportunities and to have one of her ideas take off and make the place a resounding success.  She wanted to be the one to do interviews because SHE had been the brilliant one.

She wanted to stay content in her studio apartment for this coming year, enjoying every last moment of her beautiful view while she could, and only sharing it with those she deemed worthy.

She expected that she would have sex with KSL at least once, if not a few times after he broke up with his girlfriend, before they went back to being friends or just stopped being in contact unless they were in a show together.  She expected his wall would remain firmly in place despite the sledgehammer she wielded.

She expected that her heart would break a little, but she would remain strong.

She expected that her husband would do enough to get by, and no more.  She expected him to eventually grow resentful of her and stop speaking to her, their initial friendship lost.

She expected that she would have this job for a long time, but it would not be the success it could be because they weren't willing to take a risk on her ideas.

She expected to survive all of these things, regardless of the outcome.

Friends and Lovers

"So, you've been here a month now huh?" He said as he walked in after his rehearsal.  "Yep, just mailed in my rent check.  It's been an official full month here.  It's been a bit of a wild ride so far."  He gave her a high five and told her he knew she could make it work.  They sat down to some leftover pizza and White Russians.

"Explain this arrangement we have come to again?"  He smiled at her and leaned back into the couch.  She was confused, then realized what he meant.  "Oh, the Romantic Comedy Relationship Pact?  It's simple really.  We keep going like we are going, where it's leading.  Keep it casual, friends with eventual benefits.  And in April of 2017, if we are still speaking to each other, then we try a relationship."

"Got it...so all I have to do is get in a relationship before next April, cool."  He said in mock seriousness, then grinned from ear to ear when he realized that he had pissed her off with the comment.  She mock-punched him in the arm and he laughed and pulled her into a deep hug, shifting her body on top of his.  They cuddled there comfortably, and he jokingly took off his hat and put it on her head.  She turned the cap around so that the bill wouldn't come between them, and he smiled and said "You look way too good in my hat."

"Oh yeah?"  She returned his smile with one of her own.

"Yeah.  It's a problem." He retorted, his inflection clearly indicating that it was only a problem for his Irish Sausage.  The full body hug lead to more couch cuddling and a brief make out session; the first time they had kissed in a month.  They spent a lot of time fighting it, with their faces close together, forehead to forehead.  The kisses were mostly romantic instead of the friendly birthday kisses and the lip-biting move-in day kisses.  In that moment they really felt like a couple.  She realized later it was only the second kiss they shared that they both didn't taste like their favorite beverage.

"You know, MG and SD were talking the other night about how they just want to be able to snuggle on the couch with someone and watch movies.  I hope being FWB doesn't mean losing this right now." She said.

"Mmmm" He agreed, nuzzling into her neck.

As it turned out, it did.

After doing some googling for ground rules on Friends With Benefits, she found that they had already broken all the rules.  Like, almost every single FWB rule.  One of them was actually no cuddling!

Whoops.

They couldn't be Friends With Benefits.  They needed a different arrangement.

She continued to research and found her way to this article, and her new personal hero.  The author was smart, witty, and everything she wanted to be.  The way she described "taking a lover" was the perfect set up.  She liked almost all the rules, and started drafting her own directly after she was finished reading.

She became excited.  She was going to be taking a lovah!

Sexting by Proxy

After the season finale of the improv show, MG and SD decided to go out drinking at her favorite bar.  MG was sexting this guy she met on Bumble and had one hot night with last week.  So hot, in fact, that she was being treated for a UTI and trying to keep the guy at bay through sexting until she had worked through all the medication.  She was glad she could live vicariously through MG for these kind of trysts.  She could never have one herself, no matter how much SD and MG tried to convince her otherwise.

As she read through the sexting texts, she felt the need to do it herself.  She started to text with KSL a little, but never really got up the nerve to get it to sexting level.  Light flirting was about all she could achieve.  He was really terrible at texting and words in general.  She missed face to face time with him.

MG told her that she was going to have to step up her game and try harder if she wanted to hook up with someone.  MG was under the impression that to get over someone you had to get under someone else.  It was so hard to explain to people where she really was emotionally.  She didn't feel broken-hearted, jilted.  It had just ended, and now she was a single person.  She was pretty much at peace, really just trying to not freak out over being alone.  She didn't feel like she needed to "get over" her marriage.  It needed it's own mourning time.  Plus, legally they were still married.

Instead she opted for self-depreciation.  She said that no matter how hard she tried, she was still 35, overweight, and too weird to really date.  She was demi-sexual, no way would she let someone she just met into her house and into something that intimate.  She couldn't say the arrangement she and KSL had come to either, so she really had to watch what she said.

"No one would sleep with me, and I'm okay with that." She told MG.

"KSL would sleep with you." MG pointed out.

Time for the performance part of the evening.  "Of course KSL would sleep with me, he'd sleep with anyone.  It's not exactly a compliment." She regretted the comment, as she saw on MG's face that it made her a little sad to be included in that specific "everybody."  What else could she have said?  A full on denial wouldn't fly at all.  She thought better of telling her that KSL would sleep with MG given the opportunity.  It might be hate sex, but he would still do her in a second.

The conversation continued the next morning over mimosas and bloody marys.  SD also thought that she should just go out and sleep with someone, anyone, to help her get over it.  She again wanted to explain that she had gotten over it already and just needed some alone time, but thought better of it.  These were girls who would love to be in a relationship, and she was still dying to see how she would make it alone.  But she also wanted some companionship, but nothing really serious.  She and KSL were on their way to being the Great Casual...he just had to break up with the girlfriend and move out first.

The wait was killing her.

The Romantic Comedy Relationship Pact

"I just had a beyond hilarious thought I have to share with you the next time I see you." She messaged him.

"Share it now."

"I kinda wanted to see your face when I told you.  I was thinking the best solution to the problem would be an old fashioned Romantic Comedy pact."

"Okay...?"

"Basically in year, if we are both still single, we try having a real relationship. Until then we agree to keep it casual with benefits, if it happens."

"I see. I could work with that"

"Could work with it like...?? Like, just crazy enough to work or just crazy period?"

KSL Has Sent A Video:

She laughed, then sent:

He gave her the biggest thumbs up that Facebook would allow.

Pizza Party of Two

It was time for another preview for another theatre show that they decided to attend together.  KSL made it a point to say that there would be more talk of them sleeping together if they showed up at this event.  She reminded him there would be talk regardless, and he agreed.  She told him she would order a pizza, and they got into a discussion of toppings that lead to some mild flirting in regards to Italian vs. his Irish "sausage."

"So, no sausage for you.  On the pizza I mean." he messaged.

"If you really want it I can pick it off, no bigs."

"But what if it was Irish?"

"Maybe, if I knew I was the only one getting it."

"Technically, you would be, haha."

"For that night, maybe."

"Ouch."

"Hey, a girl has to keep her feeling in check around you. Like I said, it would be super easy just to fall in love with you. But I don't see you falling for me anytime soon."

"Fair enough.  You do you boo boo"

"Oh yeah? You aren't going to give me crap about giving only 60% to you?"

"Wow.  I would ask that things said in the heat of the moment not be admissible as evidence later." 

***
Later they decided to walk from her apartment to the theatre a little under a mile away.  As they walked along, she continued to give him a hard time about how he still didn't know how he felt about her, how he still "didn't know" why he had kissed her or started anything.  She was pushing him away, typical of what she usually did with people who got too close.  Reject before you can be rejected.  He turned the tables back to her uncertain feelings.

"What's going on up there in your head?  Seriously, how do you really feel about me?"  He asked her.  She knew from previous conversations that he was worried about being judged by her, for every little thing that he did.  She assured him that was not what was going on in her head at the moment.

"Honestly, at this point it's not really about you anymore, it's about me.  There are a lot of situations I roll through in my head, and you can't clarify them.  You don't know how you feel, and that directly changes how I would feel.  Maybe that's unfair, but I'm not going to let myself fall for someone who has no intention of falling for me."

Somehow, as always, he managed to get her to open up further.  She told him that she was unsure of where she stood, as their entire relationship was a hard one to manage.  On one hand they had become great friends, getting to know each other in a short span of time.  On the other he would say things that likened them to a couple, so she wasn't sure where his head was.  There was a lot of "We've talked about this already" in the conversation, and it lead to going an extra couple of blocks on the walk as they talked about it.

In conclusion, she told him that she had 300 million feelings about them, all varied.  She was sad they hadn't met in the right way, where she could share her excitement with friends, so that it didn't all feel so wrong that she had feelings for him at all.  It was something she was just trying to get over at this point, because he had already said he didn't want to jump into another relationship.  She respected that, and was just trying to get her own feelings in check.

He left for the night, most likely a little confused by her brutally honest monologue.  After he'd left, a feeling overtook her, and she realized the feeling was loneliness. For the first time, she sobbed in her apartment because she felt utterly alone.

She texted KSL minutes after he left, "I think it's also just really hitting me how alone I actually am.  And I'm scared.  So I'm sorry I'm projecting some of that onto you."

A few minutes later he texted back "I'm sorry.  Also, I'm home."  Letting her know that he was home safe, she knew they were in an okay place.

After a few minutes, she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, finally free of conflict. 

She woke up and had a moment exactly like the MSCL Blister in the Sun scene.  She was over the over-attachment to him.  Truly purging herself of all that she was thinking about to him had cleansed her.  

She was free.

 

Reaching Out or Over-Stepping

"Your mom and sister are still fighting like cats and dogs.  Your mom put in her two weeks for retirement, but they convinced her to stay longer."

That's where the catching up ended.  He had wanted to get together to "hang out" but they had pretty much run out of things to say.  As he spoke, tears welled up in his eyes, and she panicked thinking of something else to say to distract him.  She couldn't think of anything, so she just approached it head on.

"Have you told anyone else about us?  Confided in anyone?"

It was the wrong thing to say.  The tears started falling.  "No."

"Why not?  You need some emotional support."

He looked at her like a man in so much pain, and she willed herself to stay strong.

"I don't even know what to say!  What are we, what would I say?  I don't know what--" He gestured around weakly, indicating the both of them.

"We are separated.  That's what we are."  She said gently, trying to hold back her emotions.

He continued to cry in the middle of the restaurant, the man who never cried or felt emotion.  He was letting himself drown in this, instead of doing what he needed to do.  He wasn't going to fight for her.  He wasn't even going to fight for himself.

If it was possible, her heart broke a little more for him.  After a little over a month apart he was still crying like it was the day it happened.  This was so hard on him, but there was nothing she could really do.

A few days later, she decided she had to do something.  She contacted a mutual friend of theirs, Acrobat, and told him that they had separated, but her husband needed the support of his friends right now, so please meet up with him for coffee. The friend willingly agreed, and offered his support to her as well.

She felt a little better after doing it, and hoped it was the right thing.  She really wanted to help him without enabling. The line was almost as blurry as ever.

Mr. Zero Knew

"I'm waiting for an apartment and then I'm killing it." KSL messaged.

"Yeah?  That should be a fun day....Mr. Zero Knew."

"So, A) there are no movers. Only Zuul. Or rather, Uhaul. And that shit can be set up same day. B) there is no other person, like the tax attorney. I'm not in love with, nor am I actively fucking anyone else. And C) its not that I've never loved her or been in love with her. I love her very much. Why the fuck do you think I'm depressed and beating myself up over this?"

"So, A) I just meant you were planning it out to basically have a Uhaul and be like "I'm out" which is why B) I only quoted "Mr. Zero knew" instead of the entire scene. C) Not trying to make you feel bad."

"But I don't have the option of just ending it now, though I really wish I could." 

"Fair enough."

Fair enough had become their code for "I've got nothing left to say to you right now."  She didn't, especially after the love comment.  She could tell even through text that he was just agitated from the situation and didn't mean it as a dig at her.  To be fair, she couldn't use the L word with him comfortably either.  They were beyond like, but came up short before love.  She wished there was a word for their flirtationship.

The Beginning of the End

 "Are you okay?" He asked with concern as he walked in the door.  She said "I'll be okay, I'm calming down."  She made the universal gesture for a deep breath.  They embraced, and took a deep breath together.  When they broke she noticed bags under his eyes.  He had mentioned earlier that he was in a depressive spiral, but she didn't realize what a toll it had taken on his physical presence.

"How are you doing?" She asked as they sat on the couch.

"I've started looking at apartments...I don't know how I'm going to afford it." He was not sure how long he's going to make it before they had another fight and she threw him out. He talked about staying with his mom, and how mad that would make her.  She could tell it would hurt his pride, because she had just gotten out of the same situation.  He said he and the girlfriend have been distant since the last fight, and he was sure it was only a matter of time.

He made another reference to his being an asshole, and she said that he wasn't.  She named off all his good qualities, and referenced the open letter she wrote him and how thoughtful he was with his girlfriend, even though the love was obviously gone.  He cared.  He was hurting.  She wished he was listening to her, actually hearing and accepting what she was saying.  Instead he was intent on staying in his depressive state.

There wasn't much she could do, so she slid over to his side of the couch and wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his shoulder.  They stayed that way and talked about what MG said about him, his Myers Briggs type results, and why they got themselves into situations like the ones they were in.  She again offered her place for him to stay if he needed to, promising she wouldn't try to get in his pants.

She sighed, he asked why.  "I just wish that I could say something that would change anything about how you are feeling.  I just want to take the pain away.  But I can't."

She pulled away and they stared at each other with intensity.  They got lost in each others eyes, he just as much as her. She told him how great his eyes were, and how cute she thought the freckles on his nose were.  He found it amusing.  He had a genuine smile rather than the wry smile that usually graced his lips.

He pulled a piece of fluff from her hair.  She knew he meant it as a nice gesture, but she was embarrassed for being so sloppy.  She had taken a small nap earlier and hadn't bothered to look at herself since.  "Why do you even like me? I'm a mess." She asked him.

He took a deep breath, as if he had a list of things ready for this moment, and didn't want to screw it up or forget anything.  "I'm attracted to you, physically and emotionally.  I like you because you have really soulful eyes."  She blushed and looked down, and he continued.

"When you look at me I feel like you can see all the way through me.   I like you because I think all that snark and sarcasm is just hiding the fact that you've been hurt."  She nodded, surprised that he really had been paying a lot of attention.  "I like you because we get along really well."  He motioned this last point by interlacing his fingers together tightly.  "I like you, and I think you really deserve someone who wants to be with you and take care of you."

She smiled into his gaze, a feeling of calm coming over her for the first time in a long time.  This was the first time he'd opened up to her, told her what she needed to hear from him.  That she wasn't just a warm body, but that he saw her for who she was.  The opening lines of "It Takes Two" sang inside her head.

His eyes darted over her face, as if scanning it for a hint of what she was thinking before he said, "...and shit, I really want to kiss you right now."

They sat cuddling for a while, in silence.  Almost kissing, but never being able to let themselves pull the trigger.  She hoped there would be time for that later, when it was right.

"Sorry for coming over and shitting all over you." He said to her.  "That's what friends are for." She replied.

"Are we okay?" He asked.

"Better than."

Pizza Party of One

It was her first full day at her studio by herself with no plans.  She was excited to do nothing and just be in her own company.  She woke up early, got showered and dressed because she did have tentative plans to celebrate Earth Day at the park and go out for bloody marys with MG and SD.  They both canceled however, and she was left to her own devises, for the first time maybe in her life.

She got a text from her husband offering her some french macarons he'd picked up, but saying he couldn't bring them by until later.  She said she had a small headache anyway and to let her know when he was free.  She napped, and he did call later to invite her to his cast party for his show.  It was at the director's house, and she felt like that would be a little imposing.  She had anticipated asking him if he wanted to get something to eat.  She declined the invitation to the party and the macarons, but agreed to meet up with him in the middle of next week for a social get together.  She was sure that would lead to a division of assets, but she didn't want to think about that now.

She had already had a microwave meal for lunch and didn't feel like breaking out another for dinner.  The idea suddenly hit her to order a pizza, and she realized she had never ordered one just for herself before.  It felt...indulgent.  It felt wrong.  She suddenly felt like she was on the edge of a cliff looking down, about to fall.  Vertigo setting in.  She was panicking over the amount of freedom she had in this moment.

"So, on a scale of 1 to 'Damn you're fat' how sad would it be to order pizza just for myself because I don't feel like leaving the studio?" She messaged to a friend.

He assured her that it was a smart plan, and that she would be surprised at how long one pizza could last solo.  So she texted SD and asked if they would let the pizza delivery guy up to her floor or did she need to wait for him in the lobby?  Then she messaged another friend freaking out about how she couldn't do this, she couldn't live alone.  What was she thinking?  He replied that she shouldn't dump on herself, she was strong enough to do this on her own.  She took a deep breath and took his words to heart, tried to calm down and do what she needed to do.

She went online and looked at the menu, then realized that she had no idea what she liked.  She'd spent her whole life compromising other people's topping into her own.  It took her far longer to figure out what she liked and order it.   She didn't even have her own account for the pizza place, she had to create one.  This would take some getting used to.

She ate three slices of pizza, then put the rest in the fridge.  She was still trying to get a hold of herself, tears forming, when she got the text from KSL.  "How goes?"

He seemed to always know.

Dowisetrepla

She discovered early on that the flooring the landlord had set down was shotty craftsmanship; the entire main room was at an angle.  It amused her to put her desk chair in the middle of the room and watch it slowly make it's way to the other side.

Then one night she accidentally forgot about the full glass of iced coffee she had on the table, and knocked it over with her laptop.  It spilled across the coffee table and started dripping down to the floor.  "Shit!" she exclaimed to no one in particular.  She jumped up to grab the paper towels, and by the time she came back she saw the liquid slowly making it's way to the other side of the room.

This she found slightly less amusing.  She ran out of paper towels and furiously threw out all the other things in the cabinet to get the packaging off all the new towels.  She got down on her knees and fought against the tilt and tried to keep the liquid from continuing to roll down to the other side of the room and under her bed. She realized suddenly that she was the only one in charge of that mess, for the first time in her life.  She cleaned the entire thing up herself, then mopped the floor and washed the table, feeling accomplished that she had done it without anyone's help.

When she was finished she sat back on her heels, and started to laugh.  It had been a sitcom moment.  Spills and the Single Girl.

Tell Me You Love Me

Her borrowed HBOGo account was acting up again, so she decided to delete the app from her kindle and re-upload.  She clicked on a random title to see if that had fixed the issue, and found herself watching all 10 episodes of Tell Me You Love Me from 2007.

Parts hurt her heart because they reminded her of her marriage, and how easily these couples seemed to get into therapy and be open and honest with each other.  How they seemed to evolve, devolve, change.  Not stay the same for 10 years.

She also thought a lot about KSL and the potential relationship.  After their conversation, she felt stretched, distanced from him.  She invited him over on Friday, he had not shown up.  Saturday she texted him asking if he was going to the Improv show, because she was working front of house and could put him and his girlfriend on the list.  "Not this week it seems.  Sorry" he texted back.

"No worries, just didn't want to save seats if it wasn't necessary." She texted, then set her phone down and got ready to leave.  She saw two texts from him later when she picked up her phone to leave her studio, about 45 minutes apart.  The latter was the "afterthought message."  The reaching out and trying to reconnect text.  Five minutes later she just texted "Thanks" and went about her night.

The afterthought message had become his only "tell" that he cared after that night she moved into her studio.  They had dubbed their first kiss "The birthday kiss" but they had yet to put a title to what happened that night.  It was hard to believe that the birthday kiss had only happened a little over a month ago, it seemed like a lifetime.

Their whole relationship had seemed like a lifetime.  Things had gotten intense so quickly.  To gain some perspective, she went over his tag in the blog, looking for clues.  Overarching ideas.  Reading through everything cleared nothing up for her.  They were both equally wrong and right for each other.  Even in all the reading she did about their Myers-Briggs types, their relationship was almost textbook.  She knew from her reading that all INFJs have a sort of fascination with ENFJs.  Of course, she couldn't find out how ENFJs felt about INFJs...the missing piece.

He said he didn't know.  Much as she tried to suss it out...neither did she.  She felt stuck on the steps of the palace.

Blind Speed Date

She got a text from MG: "We should go on blind dates."

She laughed, then responded "With each other?  Just pretend we've never met?  I'm down."

MG: "hahahahahaha no, we should make a competition out of it.  Like, walk up to a person and say, 'hey, want to be on a blind date for 5 minutes?' And if you can make it the full five you buy the drinks and if he bows out he has to pay."

"That sounds daring and expensive!  I think you think I'm more outgoing than I actually am."

MG: "No, not really.  I am just pushing you to do crazy things.  Enjoy this while you are still riding the high of your freedom."

"Maybe.  We'll see!"

Origin Story

Sleuthy reminded her of all the things she'd left unsaid in the blog.  "KSL sounds like an asshole."

It was the second time a "reader" of the blog had said that.  She felt like a bad writer for letting it go this long, making him sound like an asshole.  What must people think of her if she was painting him in such a bad light?  She went back to read his tag and see what things were left unsaid.

When they first met, according to the blog, he was just an asshole getting her to run and jump to high five him.  Not the best first impression.  What was unsaid was that, at first, she had to be well caffeinated to get to his level.  He had just broken up with his girlfriend, and in hindsight he was feeling very vulnerable.   The more vulnerable he is, the louder he gets.

"Penny, tell me a story!" He would joyously demand during a lull in rehearsal.  She told him about her prom, about how she won a dance competition in junior high, and others.  One day she realized she was telling him the stories, and never the other way around.  He would always make jokes like "Don't hit me, that's my dad's job!" and whenever something bad happened he would say "prom night flashbacks!"

"Tell me a story!"  He said one day, and she retorted "I'm all out of stories KSL, YOU tell me a story."

So he did.  She got a little background on how horrible his family was, how his dad did actually beat him pretty frequently as a kid because he was abusing drugs and alcohol.  "But don't worry, he's all better now" he would reassure her, badly.  He explained how he had been screwed over by his family as well as got into brutal fights with his brother.

They shared stories of how they had gotten their scars.  She tied his gun holster into his belt every night, part of his costume for the show.  Then he was onstage for the entire show, so they never really bonded much past "story time" while she tied down his holster.

With PJ's and BFF's increased aggravation in his job and her Improv show respectively, KSL didn't really hit her radar that hard.  He was just the main character in the show, another actor amongst 10 or 11 that she had to wrangle.  She sensed his wall being up right away, but didn't see the point in trying to break it down.  They had just met.

Eventually she stopped needing to have energy drinks before each rehearsal.  Whenever he got to be too much, she could now calm him down or get him to shut up all together with just a word.  She found that he was actually a very good listener, and was responsive to things she would put her foot down about right away.

At the opening night party, they ended up on a couch alone at the beginning of the evening and got to talking, which led to some light flirting.  After a few drinks they were taking silly pictures of her in his giant shoes and laughing.   Every once in awhile people would join them, flow in and out.  They remained joined on the couch, as the bar was packed tightly.  No reason to give up prime real estate when the conversation and harmless flirting was good.

Late into the evening her husband had shown up to the bar unexpectedly, having gotten out of his rehearsal early.  KSL's face changed upon his arrival, and the energy between them changed.  It was as if he suddenly remembered that she was married, and he was back in his relationship.  It was then she realized that the flirting hadn't been all that harmless.

"Well," he said jokingly, "I'm gonna get out of here first.  You give it five and then follow to avoid suspicion."  She smiled at him and said goodbye.

At the time, she didn't think anything of it.  Until now, when she realized it had gone unsaid.  The beginning of their friendship had been really good...she had just been distracted.

The Status Update

"First day as a Substitute Teacher was awesome! Did Elementary Special Ed. Nothing feels as good as walking into a lunchroom full of 2nd graders and seeing their eyes widen and mouths falling open in wonder at the giant that just came in. The collective "Whoaaaaaa!" was pretty cool, too.
Good times."

The husband's status update sounded like he was doing really well.  She "loved" it and went about her day.  It came back up on her feed later, and it suddenly hit her.

It was a status update.  There were no texts from him, nothing sharing his day.  She got to know about his day through a status update.  She teared up a little, but also raised her head up and down, nodding yes to herself as she looked out at the city through her window.  She looked over in the general direction to her mother's house, and wished him well.

The more she thought about it, the more he might not have even told her about it had she been there.  She was still doing the right thing.

The tear receded without running down her face.  She took a deep breath, then went back to her writing.

The Hardest Part

"You've got this down to a science.  I'm impressed."  She messaged KSL.

"I'm sensing a slight buttering of incredulous scorn here.  Fire away then."

"Not a bit, legit impressed.  Hardly a single deviation, which, if it's not broke..."

"Wow.  This is fantastic.  Another bridge burned, and friendship ruined.  I'll mark it in my calendar."

"I'm not mad at you, I'm being serious.  I'm impressed.  Just because I fell for it doesn't mean I can't respect how well it works for you.  I want the breakdown of how it all works, I'm fascinated.  I still don't regret any of it."

"Respect how it works?  Wow, like I'm some creeper with a system.  Excuse me while I go fuck myself."

"You admitted yourself you have a pattern, that you said just happens, that you didn't even plan on trying to change.  I just see it as a pattern.  Hey, I can say that when people get too close I turn into an asshole and push them away and that is MY pattern.  Everyone has them."

"I *am* trying to change it.  Paying $125 an hour to do so.  Only my sessions have been hijacked by my failing relationship.  But whatever.  I see where this is going.  Nobody judges judges me harder than I judge myself, and I'd hate for that to change anytime soon.  Hows about we say I'm a shitty person and leave it at that?  Not like I'm paying therapy money to you, right?"

"You are taking this the wrong way.  You said the other night that I should stay away from you because it was a pattern, that you were going to try it on me, like it wasn't an option.  MG was not talking shit about you, I asked her and she told me.  I had to sit there and say 'Interesting, I see the similarities, but no MG, I'm not fucking him.  He must be really disappointed in our friendship.'"

"Sorry if I don't believe you, birds of a feather and all that."

"Wow, really?"

"Disappointed in our friendship?"

"Birds of a feather?  You explain that first."

"Is that what you think you are to me?  I've been doing everything I  can to show you differently.  To actually be a friend.  Maybe it's too late for that.  Which is fine."

"It's what SHE needs to think to lay off."

"Another pattern, I'm sure."

"Read what I'm writing to you.  I had to tell her that or she wouldn't believe me."

"Because the dime a dozen ones, like me?  We're all so predictable.  Fair enough.  I lie to myself, why shouldn't you lie about me?  I lead by example, apparently."

"Okay, seriously not what I'm saying.  You think MG will blab everything all over, and so I'm protecting you, protecting US.  It's not a lie I'm telling her either.  We haven't had sex.  That's the truth."

"I appreciate you spinning the truth to protect what little bit of honor I pretend to have left, truly.  A piece of mercy, that.  Certainly less than I deserve."

"Okay, that birds of a feather thing needs to be addressed, don't just skip over that.  Why are you looping me in with someone you think so low of?  Are you just lashing out at me because you are mad or do you actually think I'm going around to everyone talking shit about you?"

"No.  I'm in a depressive spiral.  Not your fault, been going through for a few days now.  Just ranting."

"Okay, good.  Now, you read that open letter, you know I think the world of you.  I know you are capable of change, that you are a worthwhile person.  I wholeheartedly believe that if you continue to work on yourself the way you are now, you are going to be unstoppable.  And I'm not saying that because you are depressed or because I'm your friend or because I want to get into your pants, but because that is honestly the truth.  I know you are going to attribute it to one or all of those things, but it's the truth.  The real problem is that as much as I say these things to you, YOU have to believe them.  I can't convince you.  YOU have to convince YOU."

She took a deep breath but continued.

"It hurts my heart how much I wish I could convince you.  But I can't.  That powerless feeling is the hardest part of our friendship for me."

Dick Surfing

"Who needs food?  Let's just go out and drink!" MG texted.  She couldn't agree more.

They started out at a place that MG frequented often and ordered them an off-the-menu drink.  It was delicious, and they started in on the deep stuff right away.

"Cm'on, you and KSL...it HAS to be happening." MG said to her.  She kept her cool and said "Nothing is happening.  He has a girlfriend, I'm just getting out of a decade long marriage.  We are just friends, honestly."

It wasn't a lie.  At this point there certainly wasn't more.  It was something she needed to stick with.

MG had broken up with a guy about a month before.  A week later it came out that for the full year and a half they had been together, he had been cheating on her.  As it turns out, she was actually the other woman...for a full year and a half without knowing it.

MG was crushed.  Destroyed.  She wanted to move out of the city, forget about him and everyone there.  Her heart went out to MG, as betrayal has got to be the hardest thing to get over.  How was she going to be able to trust again?

She told her that although this was awful, it wasn't going to be the end of her world.  She was very young, super hot, and anyone would be lucky to have her.  She wasn't just blowing smoke either, the girl was very hot.  She really hoped that she pulled herself out of this slump without too much damage.

The conversation, of course, came back around to KSL.  A few years ago, when she was young and stupid, MG had given KSL a blow job.  She couldn't remember many details, except for the fact that he was the smallest she'd ever seen, before or after.  She stifled a laugh, and said "Why'd you give him a blow job then, had to get that popcorn kernel out of your teeth?"  They howled with laughter, so hard that other bar patrons turned to look at them.

Apparently he had kicked another girl out of his house, turned off all the lights and lit candles when MG had come over.  It devolved from there, and she ended up giving him a blow job.  The way she described the build up was the same.  A bunch of D & M-ing that ended up in his house, in a situation she didn't expect but welcomed anyway.  Hardly any deviation from her own situation...only no blow job.  No sex.

MG mentioned her friend that KSL cheated on his now-girlfriend with, and what a wild sex life they had.  "She said she came multiple times, every time with him.  He might have a small penis, but apparently he knows how to use it."  It was certainly something to think about...and not do.  Besides, maybe that girl is just easily excitable.

"Wow," she said to MG, "He must be really disappointed that nothing has happened with me if this is his pattern."

Inside her head, she was thinking how disappointed she was that he was never going to try and change, be better.

She texted MG that she got home safe, and they got into a conversation about hobbies.  MG said "mine is botulism" and she texted back "...you 100% need a new hobby.  Might I suggest knitting?"

The answer, "HAHAHAHA I mean....yeah.  I would not tell you no."  She replied "Let's be old ladies later, for now let's just go dick surfing together."

Having a D & M

She'd had just enough to drink at the movie's wrap party to put herself out there and text him.  "You at rehearsal tonight?  Want to hang after or do you need to get home?"

KSL: "I can chill for a bit, sure."

Then she got kidnapped by Super Director and Goldie to go out for tacos.  The clock was ticking and she tried to hurry them along, ordering her tacos to go and them sitting down.  She made the excuses, she had to work early in the morning and she wanted to pee in her own studio instead of the outside bathroom of the taco place.  They finally left to go back home.

Upon getting to the elevator, she jumped in and punched their respective floors.  The elevator groaned slightly and SD and Goldie jumped out like a hot potato.  KSL was due to arrive any minute, and she couldn't waste any more time.  She said goodbye to them and stayed in the elevator.

It went up to her floor just fine, and she unlocked her door and entered the studio, turning on her small lamp on the way to the kitchen.  She was afraid her timing was horrible, but KSL arrived a few minutes later, long enough that he didn't share an elevator with SD and Goldie.

"I put 'Goldie Stop Being Nosy' in the guest book when I signed in." He said with a smirk.  "Would you stop that?" she asked "They are going to kick me out or something!  Just write your damn name."

After making drinks and sitting down, the open letter came up.  She had written one for the blog, but at the last minute decided not to post it.  She saved it to a Word doc and put it on her desktop.  After some convincing, she opened it and let him read it.

She looked down as he did, trying to hide how red her neck must be.  It felt hot, and she could feel her heart being squeezed.  She prefaced the read with the fact that a lot had been cleared up due to finding out he was an ENFJ.  After finishing he wordlessly handed her back her laptop, and she said "thoughts?"

What followed was a big D & M about almost everything they had been through.  The physical stuff got brought up, he again pointed out that she initiated that one kiss.  "You know, it's funny how the ONE time I iniated anything and you continue to throw it in my face.  Look at what YOU started.  I had no idea where I stood with you, and when you didn't kiss me back I was humiliated.  Humiliated.  I would NEVER try that again."  He claimed she had just taken him by surprise, and he sincerely apologized for making her feel that way.

He said he had a pattern, and that after he breaks up with his girlfriend (his guess was they wouldn't make it another month) he will be destructive for awhile.  He warned her that she would most likely not want to be around him when he got destructive, which would be around the 2 month mark of his being single.  He said he'd start his own dating blog about dating in his 30's, and it stung on two levels.

She desperately wanted him to say that he cared about her, but couldn't do a relationship right now.  She just wanted to know that there were feelings there.  It appeared that the closest she would come is in him warning her to stay away.

She told him how much he had penetrated her...emotionally.  The open letter, the blogs...she felt like an open wound.  "I just want to know where I stand.  It's just hard to keep my balance when I'm not sure if you regard me as a fuck buddy, a friendship, or a relationship.  I don't know how to act around you, what is okay and what isn't...so I've been trying to keep my distance."

"Clearly," he said, motioning to the fact that she was on the far side of the couch from him.  After a long silence, he said "I don't know.  I just don't know."

She nodded, and fell silent.  Many many thoughts were swirling in her mind, none she could really say out loud.  It was a hard place to be.  He glanced at her, saw the storm brewing in her mind.  His face softened.

"Need a hug?"

She heistated, then finally joined him on the other side of the couch, curling up into his side.  They joked and snuggled until long after he said he had to leave.  They hugged again by the door for a long time.  She was still on shaky ground with him, but she thought they'd done an okay job of drawing a line in the sand as to how far they would go again.  She knew that she needed to make a promise to herself to not sleep with him for at least a year.  It was a promise she needed to stick with.

She closed the door behind him, deciding not to walk out to the elevators with him.

Hard Knocks Make Good Neighbors

Her lady bits were being murderous, so she decided to skip the surprise birthday party for a friend and just stay home.  She settled into her couch with a movie when she heard it.

Knock.

Knock.



KnockKnock.


Was it coming from the neighbor to the right?  Above her?  Below her?  It sounded like it was directly on the other side of her bathroom, but that was where the elevator was.  She shrugged and figured it would stop after a little while.  She pushed play on her movie again.

After that movie and a couple of TV show episodes, it was 8:00 PM and the knocking continued.  She got up to try and find the noise again, when her old-timey doorbell buzzer went off.  She opened the door and there was a guy, angry.  He was wearing sweats just like hers, and she laughed internally because they could go as twins somewhere.

"That knocking...it has to stop."  He said through gritted teeth.  "It's after 8PM, construction hours are over."

"I couldn't agree more...but I'm not the one doing--" the knocking started up again, proving that she wasn't the culprit.

The man let out a grunt and said "WHERE could it be coming from?"

"I think maybe it's the one on the other side of the elevators...or above or below...where is yours?"

"I'm on 20" he said, indicating the floor above.  He was already halfway down the hallway to the other side.  She desperately wanted to ask him if he was directly above her, and if he played jacks and marbles all the time, or only when she was home.  Before she could say anything, he was gone around the corner.

She went back inside, closed the door, and locked it.  Still facing the door, she said to herself "It was nice to meet you."

The Open Letter to KSL

Dear KSL,

When I was pouring my guts out to you, you said that you wish you understood me the way that PJ did.  The truth is that I've shared more with you than I ever did with him.

You and I share something...we have a secret that no matter what happens, will not become public.  The real trouble is, I'm not sure exactly what that secret is.

I know the truth of what we did, but I'm unsure of its meaning.  Like all things, there are many truths.
The truth is that I'm like that girl you dated and loved, and you were her first everything.  I learned a lot of things with you.

I'm also like that girl you cheated on her with...I told BFF a little too much about your situation, betraying your trust.  The difference was you forgave me.  The difference is we have another secret that I will keep.

I'm like your current girlfriend in the sense that I have a chronic illness that debilitates me.  The difference is, I don't let it debilitate my entire life like she does.

The truth is, I'm like every woman you've ever been involved with...and yet I'm none of them.
I see you in a way they never did, and never fully appreciated.  You are considerate, but almost because you feel you have to be, like that is the only way you'll be accepted.

You turn clasps around on necklaces, tell people when they have food stuck in their teeth.  You go for walks with someone who needs a D&M (Deep and Meaningful), you check to see what booze will induce migraines so you don't upset your girlfriend.  In fact, you go out of your way to spend as much time with her as possible, even though you are furious with her.  You gave her another chance and moved to a place you hated.  You make kisses fluid, you think of the other person and make them feel like they are the most desirable person.  You made us feel like we fit together.  You are a hugger.  You are devoted to a fault, in all things.

You've said in the moment you are a lot more guarded.  That is both true and false.  It depends on the moment.  Sometimes I ask you a hard question, and you answer it.  Most of the time the answer is deep, honest.  Visceral.  Other times you are hiding something, maybe even also from yourself. 

Sometimes I look into your eyes and wonder if you even know that you are hiding from yourself.
We have a reoccurring theme with each other; going too far, and then pulling way back.  A certain Paula Abdul song comes to mind.  We've gotten too close too fast...just as I imagined.  Yet we are also still strangers.

I told you not to kiss me again unless you had decided that you liked me romantically.  Then you did.  You seem to kiss me at my most vulnerable, like you know when I need it.  When I want it.  I wish that worked both ways.  You feel both very dangerous and extremely safe.

I've told you that you need to leave your girlfriend, but not for me...for yourself.  If we end up together then that is great...I'm sure it will make for an interesting relationship.  Part of me wants to scream "choose me!" but you've already made it clear that there are hundreds of girls screaming that at you.  It amazes me how you can make me feel so amazing and so insignificant depending on how you feel.  It's both extremely hard and very very easy not to fall in love with you.  For as much as we've shared, I'm not sure we'll ever get anywhere together.

But it might be fun to try.

-Penny