Sunday, May 1, 2016
The Open Letter to KSL
When I was pouring my guts out to you, you said that you wish you understood me the way that PJ did. The truth is that I've shared more with you than I ever did with him.
You and I share something...we have a secret that no matter what happens, will not become public. The real trouble is, I'm not sure exactly what that secret is.
I know the truth of what we did, but I'm unsure of its meaning. Like all things, there are many truths.
The truth is that I'm like that girl you dated and loved, and you were her first everything. I learned a lot of things with you.
I'm also like that girl you cheated on her with...I told BFF a little too much about your situation, betraying your trust. The difference was you forgave me. The difference is we have another secret that I will keep.
I'm like your current girlfriend in the sense that I have a chronic illness that debilitates me. The difference is, I don't let it debilitate my entire life like she does.
The truth is, I'm like every woman you've ever been involved with...and yet I'm none of them.
I see you in a way they never did, and never fully appreciated. You are considerate, but almost because you feel you have to be, like that is the only way you'll be accepted.
You turn clasps around on necklaces, tell people when they have food stuck in their teeth. You go for walks with someone who needs a D&M (Deep and Meaningful), you check to see what booze will induce migraines so you don't upset your girlfriend. In fact, you go out of your way to spend as much time with her as possible, even though you are furious with her. You gave her another chance and moved to a place you hated. You make kisses fluid, you think of the other person and make them feel like they are the most desirable person. You made us feel like we fit together. You are a hugger. You are devoted to a fault, in all things.
You've said in the moment you are a lot more guarded. That is both true and false. It depends on the moment. Sometimes I ask you a hard question, and you answer it. Most of the time the answer is deep, honest. Visceral. Other times you are hiding something, maybe even also from yourself.
Sometimes I look into your eyes and wonder if you even know that you are hiding from yourself.
We have a reoccurring theme with each other; going too far, and then pulling way back. A certain Paula Abdul song comes to mind. We've gotten too close too fast...just as I imagined. Yet we are also still strangers.
I told you not to kiss me again unless you had decided that you liked me romantically. Then you did. You seem to kiss me at my most vulnerable, like you know when I need it. When I want it. I wish that worked both ways. You feel both very dangerous and extremely safe.
I've told you that you need to leave your girlfriend, but not for me...for yourself. If we end up together then that is great...I'm sure it will make for an interesting relationship. Part of me wants to scream "choose me!" but you've already made it clear that there are hundreds of girls screaming that at you. It amazes me how you can make me feel so amazing and so insignificant depending on how you feel. It's both extremely hard and very very easy not to fall in love with you. For as much as we've shared, I'm not sure we'll ever get anywhere together.
But it might be fun to try.