"What do you want?"
It was a loaded question she had been asked so many times in the last few months. All by different people, all in reference to different things.
During her last show, a day or so after her separation, she was backstage getting ready for the next scene when she heard the main character say his line, desperately: "Tell me what you want."
It was the same thing her husband said to her during their separation. It didn't matter what she wanted at that point...she wasn't going to get it. She had stopped short when she heard the line ring out from onstage, and grabbed her chest from the impact. KSL asked what was wrong, she shook her head that she couldn't explain at the time. KSL would later say it to her in the heat of the moment. It was breathy, intense, but the words still rang through to her soul. "What do you want?"
What did she want?
The thing was that her hopes, wants, and expectations in what was to come for her were vastly different.
She hoped that KSL would listen to her, actually hear her and start to heal himself, see himself as worthwhile and worthy of her. She hoped to see his wall finally come crashing down.
She hoped her husband would eventually pull himself up and be financially stable, for himself and not her. She hoped that some day he would see where she was coming from, and forgive her. She hoped that he would find someone else that supported him without enabling his past actions they way she had for too long.
She wanted KSL. In her life, in her bed, with her. She wanted him to want her with every fiber of his being instead of just being "attracted" to her. She wanted to never take him by surprise when she wanted to kiss him, because he wanted the same thing. She wanted him to be hopelessly devoted, while at the same time pushing HER to be a better person, taking walks with her and encouraging her to go to the doctor and be healthy inside her mind as well as her body, they way he had been. She wanted him to care a little more than she did, for her own ego.
She wanted her job to be successful. They seemed to like her, and she wanted more opportunities and to have one of her ideas take off and make the place a resounding success. She wanted to be the one to do interviews because SHE had been the brilliant one.
She wanted to stay content in her studio apartment for this coming year, enjoying every last moment of her beautiful view while she could, and only sharing it with those she deemed worthy.
She expected that she would have sex with KSL at least once, if not a few times after he broke up with his girlfriend, before they went back to being friends or just stopped being in contact unless they were in a show together. She expected his wall would remain firmly in place despite the sledgehammer she wielded.
She expected that her heart would break a little, but she would remain strong.
She expected that her husband would do enough to get by, and no more. She expected him to eventually grow resentful of her and stop speaking to her, their initial friendship lost.
She expected that she would have this job for a long time, but it would not be the success it could be because they weren't willing to take a risk on her ideas.
She expected to survive all of these things, regardless of the outcome.
