Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Pizza Party of Two

It was time for another preview for another theatre show that they decided to attend together.  KSL made it a point to say that there would be more talk of them sleeping together if they showed up at this event.  She reminded him there would be talk regardless, and he agreed.  She told him she would order a pizza, and they got into a discussion of toppings that lead to some mild flirting in regards to Italian vs. his Irish "sausage."

"So, no sausage for you.  On the pizza I mean." he messaged.

"If you really want it I can pick it off, no bigs."

"But what if it was Irish?"

"Maybe, if I knew I was the only one getting it."

"Technically, you would be, haha."

"For that night, maybe."

"Ouch."

"Hey, a girl has to keep her feeling in check around you. Like I said, it would be super easy just to fall in love with you. But I don't see you falling for me anytime soon."

"Fair enough.  You do you boo boo"

"Oh yeah? You aren't going to give me crap about giving only 60% to you?"

"Wow.  I would ask that things said in the heat of the moment not be admissible as evidence later." 

***
Later they decided to walk from her apartment to the theatre a little under a mile away.  As they walked along, she continued to give him a hard time about how he still didn't know how he felt about her, how he still "didn't know" why he had kissed her or started anything.  She was pushing him away, typical of what she usually did with people who got too close.  Reject before you can be rejected.  He turned the tables back to her uncertain feelings.

"What's going on up there in your head?  Seriously, how do you really feel about me?"  He asked her.  She knew from previous conversations that he was worried about being judged by her, for every little thing that he did.  She assured him that was not what was going on in her head at the moment.

"Honestly, at this point it's not really about you anymore, it's about me.  There are a lot of situations I roll through in my head, and you can't clarify them.  You don't know how you feel, and that directly changes how I would feel.  Maybe that's unfair, but I'm not going to let myself fall for someone who has no intention of falling for me."

Somehow, as always, he managed to get her to open up further.  She told him that she was unsure of where she stood, as their entire relationship was a hard one to manage.  On one hand they had become great friends, getting to know each other in a short span of time.  On the other he would say things that likened them to a couple, so she wasn't sure where his head was.  There was a lot of "We've talked about this already" in the conversation, and it lead to going an extra couple of blocks on the walk as they talked about it.

In conclusion, she told him that she had 300 million feelings about them, all varied.  She was sad they hadn't met in the right way, where she could share her excitement with friends, so that it didn't all feel so wrong that she had feelings for him at all.  It was something she was just trying to get over at this point, because he had already said he didn't want to jump into another relationship.  She respected that, and was just trying to get her own feelings in check.

He left for the night, most likely a little confused by her brutally honest monologue.  After he'd left, a feeling overtook her, and she realized the feeling was loneliness. For the first time, she sobbed in her apartment because she felt utterly alone.

She texted KSL minutes after he left, "I think it's also just really hitting me how alone I actually am.  And I'm scared.  So I'm sorry I'm projecting some of that onto you."

A few minutes later he texted back "I'm sorry.  Also, I'm home."  Letting her know that he was home safe, she knew they were in an okay place.

After a few minutes, she fell into a deep, dreamless sleep, finally free of conflict. 

She woke up and had a moment exactly like the MSCL Blister in the Sun scene.  She was over the over-attachment to him.  Truly purging herself of all that she was thinking about to him had cleansed her.  

She was free.

 

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