Thursday, June 23, 2016

Extirpate

The next day she was still just as mad as before.  He didn't contact her, and she didn't contact him.  She was still seething with rage and would say many, many hurtful things.

The day after, a text came through at 10:30 at night.

"How goes"

She was not going to answer that.  To just start up a conversation again like nothing had happened?  Fuck him.

"Or not, that's cool too"
-Sent at 12:14 AM

"Sorry I pissed you off so badly"
-Sent at 12:17 AM

She went to sleep.  The next morning she waited until 9AM and sent the fried shrimp emoji.

"Why a panko crusted prawn?"


"Honestly I don't know what else to say to you right now."

"You are the one that got all huffy with me that I hung up."

HE hung up?  He again said that by stopping sleeping together, it would stop people from talking.


"What would change outwardly for them?  Nothing!  The only thing it confirms to me is that you can shut the emotions on and off for me, so I am just that warm body.  That thing I didn't want to be.  You are being so jumpy with me around other people that you aren't even being a regular good friend right now.  I love our friendship; I hate being treated this way.  If you care that much about what other people think, that's ridiculous."

"Seriously, when you break it down to it's base, how is what we're doing any different from a standard rebound?"


"If you told me you wanted to stop because you were still hung up on your ex or you didn't feel right about it, that would be one thing...doing it because you think other people will stop talking is another."

"She's already moved on."


"With who?"

"With herself."


"Yeah, well with you being this emotionally draining I can understand.  I've been nothing but supportive and nice to you and I feel like I get punished for it all.  I'm not talking about the sex, I'm talking about our friendship. The only outcome from talking to your roommate is she thinks that Goldie and I are catty bitches. So while I protect you and tell people how awesome you are, you are indirectly bringing me down with other people."


 "You could also listen to your friends. I feel like everything I say to you, you just "meh" and don't actually listen. Yes I have my faults, but the benefit of overthinking everything is that I see all the possible outcomes. I don't just jump into anything. I saw us coming a mile away, weighed the pros and cons, and decided to let it happen. I called you bailing on it after once or twice a month ago in my blog. I'm not an idiot."

"Wow, life must be pretty boring when you have all the answers. Nice to know that you had/have so much faith in me" 

"Are you mad about it and attacking me because I know you so well and I'm right, or that you honestly thought it was going to play out differently? Because you HAVE to know by saying "Wow, life must be pretty boring when you have all the answers" that it is a hurtful thing to say to someone you consider a friend."

"Sometimes friends hurt each other. I have no clue what I'm doing in my life. So when you claim your oracle powers, yeah, its a bit disheartening. Plus, if you knew that I was gonna bail, as you put it, why even do anything at all?" 

"Because despite it all, it was still worth it. It would still be worth it. It was fun, it was exciting. If you were still open to the arrangement, it would be beneficial to both of us. We could take solace in the fact that we are healing from our past relationships together, while at the same time regaining our independence. I could help you be a better person, and you could help me be a better person. You push me to take walks and be healthier about getting out there. We have fun. We both have something to bring to the arrangement.  But you just seem so determined to be miserable...why should I stand in your way? You do you."

  
"If this is it then it was fun while it lasted. The only thing I'm sad about is the fact that I'll turn into everyone else when it comes to you.  They all say you are a great guy with some issues that you never seem to want to resolve. Despite what you think, no one has ever said you were an asshole or a bad guy. Just unwilling to change bad behavior.  Saying things like "sometimes friends hurt each other" rather than just thinking about what you say first. Saying that when you break this down its just a rebound instead of exploring where it could go. You could change so much of this yourself, but you won't. Everyone knows and says this. I can't deny it.  I have to accept that I will have zero impact with you no matter what I do."

"I don't know what to say." 

"Well, you can't say that you'll change or try or anything like that, clearly. So you win. I'm all out of literal and figurative fucks to give. I'm everyone else."

"I am trying


Nobody sees it


You wanna not be like everyone else?


Believe that I'm fucking trying"



Try as she might...she was having a hard time believing.  They had a day of silence and then another day of fighting.  The last thing she texted him was "This make up sex better be fucking worth it."   

She truly believed that they next time they had sex, it would be the last time.

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